The Weinsteins aren't leaving anything to chance, though, bringing out precautionary, surprisingly deferential big guns like producer Kevin Spacey just in case:

"I could not be more excited that Fanboys is being released this September and is the version of the film that the fans want," said Fanboys producer Kevin Spacey. "I am enormously grateful to Jedi Knight Harvey Weinstein for having allowed Trigger Street to restore Fanboys to its original story and am thrilled that it will first screen during Comic-Con. We believe in this film and are honored that George Lucas and all his team gave us permission to film at Skywalker Ranch and let us have so much fun with Star Wars. We also have a couple of surprises in the film that I think will bring added enjoyment to all the fans of Lucas' great and epic movies, and Trigger Street is proud to have produced this film and to have kept the dark side at bay."

"Jedi Knight Harvey Weinstein"? Great — so is this the part of Harvey's story where a disappointed Yoda is stuck raising his sunken business from the swamp? Goldman Sachs is asking for few spoilers, if so.

This is clearly a vain attempt by the Weinstein Company to avert Star Wars fans' impending boycott of all of their films. Well, guess what? It's not going to work, Darth Weinstein!

There was never any doubt that you would release both versions of the movie on DVD — probably months apart, so as to leech as much money from Star Wars fans as possible! ...

There is only ONE VERSION OF FANBOYS - THE ONE THAT WAS MADE BY STAR WARS FANS! ... If you release your mutilated anti-fan version of FANBOYS in ANY FORM, you can look forward to a lifetime boycott of your studio by every Star Wars fan on the planet.

As such, the Fanboys supporters are sticking to their picket plans for this weekend, with sizable protests scheduled in both New York and Los Angeles. Knowing what we know about Harvey, though, we expect this to be all the compromise these guys are going to get. Moreover, where the hell are all the Wong Kar-wai fans to protest Harvey's cut of the long-delayed Norah Jones / Jude Law / Natalie Portman road flick My Blueberry Nights, finally opening April 4 with an ugly, sludgy sheen added in edit bays sequestered deep inside the Weinstein Death Star. Even Roosevelt and Stalin had the common sense to ally against the Axis 65 years ago; with art-house romantics and and sci-fi geeks on the same page, we're confident Harvey Scissorhands wouldn't have a prayer.

• Geeks Get Their Movie... Kinda [The Hot Blog]

• DARTH WEINSTEIN MAKES A DESPERATE LAST-MINUTE ATTEMPT... [Stop Darth Weinstein]

Among the most deserving members of the group are, in no particular order:

Jim Halpert on The Office: because laughter is everything. Plus, he's tall.
Ned on Pushing Daisies: Tall, too! And he makes pies. While wearing an apron. With perfect hair and dreamy eyes and that tall, lean frame...let's just say we'd forgive him if he accidentally killed us.
Amanda Tanen on Ugly Betty: If we swung that way, this would be our girl (free clothes!), and from our imagined male point of view, well, same thing: free suits!
Michael and George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development: Best. Threesome. Fantasy. Ever. And afterwards, Michael Cera might bake you cookies, while Jason Bateman played you his favorite records!
Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks: Sure, not Swimsuit Issue-worthy (at least back then, but these days in ER, yum), but in a way, Lindsay was the original Juno MacGuff.

And the incomprehensibles:

Jack Bauer from 24: While we genuflect thrice daily to a poster of the real-life Kiefer, we are going to have to strongly oppose the choice of Jack Bauer. Are we the only ones who happened to catch the fact that his wife was tortured, raped and killed? Yeah, dreamboat for sure.
Jack Shephard from Lost: Yes, Matthew Fox is a fox, there is no doubt. And yes, he's a doctor, and sure, he may have saved, oh, a trillion or so lives. But he's got daddy issues, and we're not into being bossed around, even if it means saving the world (or whatever the fuck they're trying to save this season).
Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills: 90210: Again, hot. But as much as Brenda Walsh infuriated us with her teeth and her moody/wannabe actress/princess-y tendencies, we'd have dumped the too-cool-for-school druggie just on the basis of Squint Addiction.
Summer Roberts from The OC: We've been known to act a little high-maintenance from time to time, but this Cali girl took the term to new heights of offensiveness. Plus, she kinda strikes us as one of those high-school girls who'd pretty much just lay there and blab on her cell while you're pumping away.
Bree Van De Camp from Desperate Housewives: Seriously? Of all the (admittedly impossible-to-choose-from) old frumps on this old frump of a show, EW readers want the shrill ice queen in their sack? Thin lips + bony legs = thanks but no thanks.

And finally, the most crucial void on the list, the most adorable, dateable, loveable visage ever to cross our screens, was inexcusably uninvited to join the list of Effables: Bret from Flight of the Conchords. We don't know about you, but every episode has been permanently saved on our DVR and played repeatedly, from noon to night, to the dismay of our roommate. We'll let you tell us who the EW readers scathingly excluded from the list in the comments!

• READER PICKS: TV CHARACTERS YOU'D DATE [EW]