1.) "God, Guns, Guts, and American Pickup Trucks"
That's this guy's motto for his truck dealership in rural Missouri. He gives away a free AK-47 with each vehicle purchased. While being interviewed on CNN's American Morning, he made some compelling arguments for his business model:

"The only 911 call I need is chambering a round."
"There is a tremendous crime problem with people doing meth and these people – they've lost their souls."
"You don't have a problem with God, do you? I'm just curious…"
"We're a Christian nation."
"You don't think God wants us to defend ourselves? I'm confused."

2.) Paris Hilton: "I'm Not Retarded"

3.) Me: "Yes You Are"

4.) Barbara Walters' Speech Impediment
I've finally cracked the code to the cause of Barbara Walters' "accent." She says her R's backwards, so they come out as "raw" instead of "arh."

5.) Big Brother

I'm so obsessed with these turds. This sums up how I'm feeling right now:

6.) Gay Penguin Dramz
After a six-year relationship, Harry and Pepper, two gay male penguins living in a zoo in San Francisco, are no longer an item. Harry left Pepper for a woman. (A penguin one, not a human one.)

7.) And This

8.) Things Are Different in Canada

9.) Who Does Jon Gosselin Think He Is?
Remember when the father of eight said that he was sick of doing the show and sick of paparazzi? He's so sick of the celebrity life, that he just needed to get away from it—by sipping champagne on a private yacht floating in the French Riviera.

10.) Wrap It Up, Linda

As Fox called in the FBI to find out who had leaked the film onto the Internet, Friedman posted a column last Thursday marveling at how easy it was to find a copy of the purloined Hugh Jackman comic book film online. The column was quickly removed and over the weekend, reports emerged that he had been fired. News Corp.'s corporate P.R. even released a statement on Sunday saying that the columnist was toast.

But that was a bit premature, and Ailes gave Friedman the chance to come in and tell him and Fox News executive vice president John Moody why he shouldn't be fired. That meeting was supposed to take place this morning, but got pushed back to the afternoon.

Why go through all the bother? Our guess is that, as ridiculous as it might sound, corporate politics were to blame. Power at News Corp. is in flux now that Ruper Murdoch's deputy Peter Chernin has announced his exit. And some of the big winners in the corporate restructurings so far have been the heads of the Fox movie studio, Tom Rothman and Jim Gianopoulos. No matter how inevitable Friedman's exit may have been, it wouldn't be surprising if Ailes bristled at the idea of movie studio people making hiring-and-firing decisions in his cable news outfit.

So, Friedman got his day in kangaroo court. And lost. Here's the official statement from Fox News:

Fox News representatives and Roger Friedman met today and mutually agreed to part ways immediately. Fox News appreciates Mr. Friedman's ten years of contributions to building foxnews.com and wishes him success in his future endeavors. Mr. Friedman is grateful to his colleagues for their friendship and support over the past decade.

Update: Friedman asks that we clarify one thing: He did not not download Wolverine per se. He explains:

I did not download anything. I found Wolverine on the internet by accident on Wednesday night. I was looking for something else—info on another movie, which had a link to this site. I simply pressed "play" and when I realized it really was Wolverine, I skipped watching Lost and watched this instead. Afterwards I discovered that the Times had written about it earlier that evening. I guess what I did was called streaming. But there was no downloading. I am fervently anti-piracy, have written extensively about this, and spent too much money at amazon's mp3 site. Please let's clear up this misconception.

Okay then.

Nicole Kidman, plastic bee-stung actress of floundering status, has joined Woody Allen's next movie. Also on board are Josh Brolin, Anthony Hopkins, Naomi Watts, Antonio Banderas, and Freida Pino. Generally Allen's more star-studded movies turn out to be the worst ones (with the exception of Everyone Says I Love You), so this doesn't bode well. [Variety] Meanwhile the so totally still likable Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are said to be on board a James Mangold-directed movie about a luckless lady love loser who meets a mysterious stranger on a blind date. The movie was originally going to star Eva Mendes and Chris Tucker, so that should speak to its quality. [Variety]

The top 35 ad-based cable networks—Fox News, Food Network, Cartoon Network—are up 7% this year in ratings. Fox, for example, averages a depressing 1.7 million households, up 22% from the same quarter last year. Though other networks like MTV and Lifetime have seen drops, 16% and 12% respectively. Makes sense to us. What with the economy and all, no one has time to pay attention to things like music and women. [Variety]

Hm. Noted conservative 24 producer Joel Surnow (who is responsible for this) is penning a 10-hour miniseries called The Kennedys, which will dig into "the soiled and crooked steps" that the family took to insinuate themselves into the White House. A Canadian distributor plans to shop the idea around Cannes in May. Good luck finding actors! Though, I bet Bruce Willis would look fabulous in a wig and pillbox hat. [Variety]

Area hottie boombalottie Ian Somerhalder (Boone from Lorst) has been cast in a CW pilot called Vampire Diaries. He plays a vampire who is fun one minute, evil the next. And nude. Hopefully nude. [Variety] Former hottie boombalottie Orlando Bloom will be featured in the last unproduced screenplay by the late playwright Horton Foote. He'll play a small town North Carolina policeman. Also joining him in the cast is Andrew McCarthy. [THR]

Donald Sutherland will star in The Eastmans for CBS. [THR] Isaiah Washington is lined up to star in that Lou Rawls biopic everyone's been clamoring for. [THR] The comic American Jesus, about a modern-day bout between the Savior and the Antichrist, may be adapted into a film by X-Men director Matthew Vaughn. [THR]

• Weekend Predictions, Nov. 21-23 [DHD]

• Fox and Friends [Fox News]

“Elisabeth feels she can’t win at The View, but she’s been told by friends at FOX News that they’d find a spot for her without hesitation.”

“Elisabeth is just as tired of the ladies at The View as they are of her! She feels she constantly has to defend herself,” a show insider revealed to The National Enquirer this week.

“Besides that, when she gets passionate about her opinions, the others make her look like she’s hysterical. But when she doesn’t talk enough, she’s accused of ‘pouting.'”

Cheer if you must, Hasselbeck haters, but if she leaves The View, are you ready for Patricia Heaton to take her place? We'll take our chances with the devil we know, at least until Barbara Walters suspends her "no hugs" rule to throttle the ex-Survivor contestant in a faux-maternal bear hug gone asphyxiatingly wrong.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Elisabeth Hasselbeck Leaving “The View” For FOX News Anchor Seat [PopCrunch]

Sarah Palin had no problem watching Tina Fey's impression of her on Saturday Night Live over the weekend — but couldn't bear to listen what Tina said!

"I watched with the volume all the way down," the vice presidential candidate for the Republican party tells FOX News Channel's Sean Hannity in a new interview for Hannity & Colmes, airing Wednesday at 9pm/ET.

"I didn't hear a word she said, but the visual was spot on," Sarah says. "It was hilarious."

Can a potential President Palin stand up to Vladimir Putin if she cannot first face down intimidating SNL head writer Seth Meyers? Who knows, but if even a mild satirical sketch gives Palin pause, can we all agree that no one is to tell her about this?

• Sarah Palin Says She Watched SNL With No Volume [Star]

One of them was that he’d been caught having an affair with his tennis instructor (a woman) and that he was undergoing rehab to save his marriage.

Alas, it isn’t so, says a close friend [editor's note: "alas"?]. Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

I have inferred from my conversation with Duchovny’s friend that this has something to do with an addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction, where the person is just hopelessly trapped in chat rooms.

...When Duchovny is done with the rehab, I’m also told that he and Tea and their kids will complete their move to Manhattan’s Upper East Side from Hollywood. They will be very welcome here, as Tea is much in demand work-wise. Duchovny will have more "Californication" and plenty of offers. New York doesn’t solve all your problems, but it’s a much more realistic place to live than Los Angeles.

The truth is here, not out there.

If you say so, Rodge! Sounds to us like Duchovny's problem could be better served by a DSL downgrade than by a sudden uptick in falafel and population density, but then again, that might just be our non-"realistic," Left Coast point-of-view talking. Duchovny might find it hard to shake his online persona ("HouseOfDP") no matter which city he chooses to land in, but call us optimists: we want to believe.

• David Duchovny Sex Scandal: No Affair [Fox News]

• WATCH VIDEO

First came Rove, who, with new Fox News colleague Chris Wallace, sought to defend the appropriateness of his hiring as an election-season commentator after he recently refused to testify to the House Judiciary Committee. "It is not between me and Congress; I have not asserted any personal privilege," Rove said. "It's between the White house and Congress." A few hours later came MacFarlane, who fell back on the quintessentially good taste we've come to expect:

"Is this where Karl Rove sat? Because I don't want to get AIDS."

That's Seth MacFarlane, startin' things off classy. Of the hundreds of people that will have taken a turn on the Beverly Hilton ballroom stage by the end of the Television Critics Association's semi-annual press tour, the Family Guy creator is probably the only one who could come within 30 nautical miles of pulling that off that joke. It's interesting the things one can get away with saying once people have a certain expectation of your personality.

Funny — we'd say the same thing about Rove. Tell you what, TCA: Bring these guys back every six months and we'll order a stay of press-tour execution.That is television worth watching.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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Chloe Parker went from tycoon tot to tycoon twat... She's got it all. Daddy, money, and one of those tiny little dogs that rich people keep in their vagina... Her penthouse in Algonquin's exclusive Little Barkings district is a palace in the sky complete with a motor drawbridge, torture dungeon, and servants with scurvy. This is real estate we can only watch on television and masturbate over. (After the jump, the clip, and two screenshots from Liberty City's self-mocking version of the web; and here's blow-by-blow coverage of Grand Theft Auto's new release from Kotaku.)

Whatever that odor may be (booze? the dreary stench of unrealized dreams?), and however perturbed the Fox anchor may have been when Gary decided to nearly ruin her chance at talking to Clooney, some of the most shocking bits of this clip occur during Gary's on-air apology to Seacrest. As he puts it, "you are an innocent champion of honesty. Your heart has a way of embracing the truth." Now if only Seacrest would Lance Bass the shit out of a glossy or two, we might agree with Busey for the first time in our lives.

• Gary Busey's Apology [Red Lasso]