Actually, don't answer that. Even with born-again genre slut Sir Ben Kingsley rumored to have an eye on the project, it's not necessarily unfair to calculate the sum of these parts as "clusterfuck": Guided by Stallone both in front of and behind the camera, a gang of mercenaries heads off to South America to take down a ruthless dictator. But perhaps its the optimism of a new year or, more rationally, the concept of a Gran Torino-esque valedictory with half the syllables and twice the bullets that has us intrigued at the possibilities here. To wit:

· Score One: The Second Coming of Mickey Rourke owes itself in part to Stallone's faith in him a decade ago, when he recommended Rourke for a minor role in the remake of Get Carter. Their brooding, mangle-faced chemistry was about the only thing that clicked while the film imploded around them. We wanted more, and we'll get it.

· Score Two: One of our New Year's resolutions is to explain why Statham may be the greatest actor working today — with the exception of War, his misbegotten action showcase with Li, who requires some atonement of his own. The Expendables offers a nurturing environment for that to occur. Or it will affirm a Statham/Li curse, which will at least save Flopz™-grade genre-flick mills the trouble of bothering again in the future. Win-win.

· Score Three: A Stallone/Lundgren reunion bespeaks more than inspired stunt-casting, but also the prospect for unprecedented levels of bonding between fathers nostalgic for Rocky IV and sons who'll attend anything with them as long as they can drive the car.

· Score Four: Unless you count Denzel Washington (we don't) and his Where the Wild Things Are voice work for Spike Jonze, Forest Whitaker hasn't worked with a real director since Kevin Macdonald shepherded him to an Oscar in 2006. He may not fully reclaim his edge, but if he can just anchor a group like this, we'll take it.

· Score Five: It's not Rambo V.

• Mickey Rourke joins 'Expendables' [Variety]

In today's installment: Paula Abdul, Courtney Love, Diane Keaton, Salma Hayek, Jason Schwartzman, Forest Whitaker, Elliott Gould, Mischa Barton, Craig Ferguson, Seth Green, Luke Perry, William Peterson, Michael C. Hall, Peter Krause, Maria Sharapova, Robin Tunney, Craig Bierko, Ian Ziering, Rodger Lodge, Max Martini and John Calipari and more.

SATURDAY, JULY 5
· A strange duo at the LAX Luftansa business class counter around noon: Six Feet Under's PETER KRAUSE (and son, I presume) with The Unit's MAX MARTINI (again, with son). Both looking quite virile.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23
· Tennis Darling/Nikon shiller MARIA SHARAPOVA shopping at the Anthropologie in El Seguendo Plaza. She was rummaging through racks and stacks like everyone else (Stars! There just like us.)

SATURDAY, JULY 18
· Saturday night at Bar Marmont, I saw my future ex-husband, MICHAEL C. HALL, of Dexter fame. He seemed shy, but very polite.

MONDAY, JULY 21
· DIANE KEATON, hand-in-hand with her adorable young son (looked 7 or 8), walking him in to day-camp at the Ocean Institute in Dana Point. Amidst the sun-aged, OC wanna-be MILFs, Diane looked sophisticated and straight out of Annie Hall in long sleeves, dress slacks, blazer, scarf, and felt hat.

TUESDAY, JULY 22
· I JACK STEHLIN (DEA Roy Till on Weeds, thx IMDB) at the Whole Foods on Barrington and National. He was helping two cute little girls (his daughters?) at the salad bar. He has very very blue eyes. Later, out in the parking lot, I saw ELLIOTT GOULD pulling into a parking space. Looks exactly like Elliott Gould pulling into a parking space.

THURSDAY, JULY 24
· I went to LAX last Thursday and saw WILLIAM H. PETERSON, dressed head to toe in black, including some sort of black baseball Castro-styled hat, and oddly because it was very warm, a dark scarf. He was so "incognito" it was hard to miss him. Of course no one noticed him anyway. I will say he greeted his driver very warmly - which was saved me from really being annoyed with his trying-so-hard-not-to-be-seen-that-of-course-you notice-him 'tude.
· 3:30 p.m.: RODGER LODGE, of Blind Date and sports talk radio fame, chatting with his wife while pushing a double stroller through the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Unshaven and dressed for the pool, but still quite manorexic and brow-waxed. Two kids under 4 years old scampering about and being loud. An animated thought bubble appeared over his head: "How did I get here? My God, what have I done?"
· Saw Memphis basketball coach JOHN CALIPARI talking on his mobile phone in front of the InterContinental Hotel in Century City this morning...Had a terrible tick and was mumbling something along the lines of "Guard Chalmers! Guard Chalmers!" No sight of Memphis Tiger bandwagoner Justin Timberlake.
· LUKE PERRY at El Toro Cantina on the Miracle Mile. With a pretty, skinny brunette, both totally into each other. Was disappointed to see he was wearing sweatpants, once he stood up to leave. He still looks amazing, not gonna lie.

FRIDAY, JULY 25
· Spotted SALMA HAYEK at the ArcLight looking terrific — didn't she just have a baby? She was with what looked like her girl posse ... did not see what movie they went to, but wanted to cheer girlfriend on for breaking the engagement to Francois-Henri Pinault.
· This is the type of star sighting that urban myths are made of. I saw COURTNEY LOVE, America's Sweetheart of babble-blogging used-to-be-rock stardom, shopping for paints in Cox Paints in Santa Monica. From behind a turnstile of Benjamin Moore samples came the raspy strains of a woman on the edge...the edge of re-painting the inside of her Malibu home with a cacophony of kaleidescopic colors in various finishes. The most important was finding a red that had to match something of the red glitter variety. Oh Courtney...you are bat s**t kooky crazy and skinny as an adolescent whippet which is exactly what I look for in a celebrity.
· 11:30 a.m.: CRAIG FERGUSON, CBS' wildly underappreciated and underpromoted late-night host, hunkering down in a corner of the Starbucks in the middle of the MGM Grand in Vegas. Wearing a black T-shirt and big, thick sunglasses while talking to a hot, age-appropriate blonde and being quite charming to people who recognized him. He's gonna grind Jimmy Fallon into haggis after NBC commits Lorne-assisted suicide next year.
· This morning at 10:00 am I ran into CRAIG BIERKO at the Beverly/Detroit Starbuck's. If I ever get a TV gig, I have to have his DP and makeup crew. For this lucky guy, the camera subtracts 10 pounds.

SATURDAY, JULY 26
· ROBIN TUNNEY at Dan Tana's for a birthday party with Heidi Klum's ex-husband Ric Pipino. Hairdressers get all the hot girls!
· I was coming out of The Dark Knight at Arclight and my friends and I saw one paparazzo take a picture of someone on our way to the parking garage. We had no idea who it was and kept walking to the elevators, when we got a closer look and saw it was MISCHA BARTON. She didn't look as emaciated as one would expect and was with a normal-looking guy who was about her height, maybe a little shorter. The guy seems to be an upgrade from her past men - he looked like he showered.
· IAN ZIERING is training a (his?) very well behaved shaggy dog by Cafe Primo on The Strip.
· Saw PAULA ABDUL at the Borders on Ventura in Sherman Oaks. She had a handful of books in one hand (Three Cups of Tea was the only one I could see the title of) and a coffee in the other. She was looking at the travel books and seemed alone. Planning a vacay maybe. Sundress, ponytail, pretty.
· Spotted SETH GREEN last night at a friend's Comic Con after party. Way shorter than expected and seemed to be unable to enjoy himself for fear that he would be recognized. Honestly, the whole place knew he was there and no one was bugging the guy. Ignored a friend who tried to strike up a friendly conversation with him outside the party. Acted like he was busy on the phone instead. Overall impression, lame.

SUNDAY, JULY 27
· Heidi Klum's current hubby SEAL at the Coffee Shop, downstairs at the BHH. Also spotted, real estate reality TV stars JOHN BERSCHI and KURT RAPPAPORT. JACK OSBOURNE also poked his head in, but wouldn't wait for a stool.

TUESDAY, JULY 29
· FORREST WHITAKER indulging some fans outside ONE Sunset. Not as big as I thought he'd be.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30
· I spotted JASON SCHWARTZMAN in the Staples on Sunset. He wasn’t holding any office supplies, but he did look like a man on a mission. Very handsome, although much smaller than I would have expected.

In today's episode: Oprah Winfrey; Carla Gugino and Elizabeth Berkley; Brad Pitt and Zahara; Alec Baldwin; Kiefer Sutherland; Dave Chapelle; Forest Whitaker; Drew Barrymore and Justin Long; Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy; Woody Harrelson; James Spader; Tim Roth; Lisa Kudrow; Rob Schneider; Dylan McDermott; Gil Bellows, Ken Olin, Justin Kirk, and Cameron Crowe; Mischa Barton; Jason Segel; Adam Levine; Emilie de Ravin; Seth Binzer; and Luenell.

· Monday 4th Feb, heading to Runyon Canyon, stopped at the gas station at Sunset & Fairfax for some much needed agua. Dude took my money & then continued his conversation with another customer..."so, looks like your guy is two points ahead". A glance at said customer revealed none other than OPRAH WINFREY! Took me a sec to realize it was her - huge D & G wraparounds, black tracksuit and girlfriend...that is some booty ya got going on. Let's hope the snacks she was perusing were for the 2 white yapping small dogs in the Merc outside. As if that's not enough, descending from said hike, passed two fresh faced beauties talking & walking up the hill. CARLA GUGINO & ELIZABETH BERKLEY. Both cute & skinny...no surprise there.

· I was headed to see "Cloverfield" at The Grove when I heard some commotion behind me. I turned to see Brad Pitt carrying Zahara and being accosted by a tenacious paparazzi photog. The guy was a total pest, but Pitt kept his cool. As he shook the photo-spaz, I heard Pitt reassuring Z. that everything was okay and basically apologizing to her that she had to go through that. I felt bad, but quickly thereafter felt worse for myself that I had to shell out $11.50 to see somebody shoot a home movie of Godzilla.

· Alec Baldwin Friday 2/2 at the Starbucks in Studio City. Contrary to his well-known cellphone-screaming history, though, he was quiet and polite. Waited in line, tipped well and held the door for people on the way in and out. That peacoat and widewale cords weren't doing him any favors, though. He was looking, um, stocky, to say the least.

· Saw Kiefer at Spaceland in Silverlake last night (Jan 31). He went straight for the door despite the huge line, apparently to ask if Castledoor had already played. He was very apologetic about cutting in line to the girls at the front; after he talked to the doorman he went and hung out on the curb with a male friend until someone insisted they come in. He was all smiles, wearing an Iron Workers' Union jacket. Good to see him on the Eastside.

· Jack Bauer likes indie rock?! I was at Spaceland last Thursday night for the final, packed night of buzz band the Airborne Toxic Event's residency there, and who is standing right in front of me but the recently-released Kiefer Sutherland, who arrived early to brave the line. (It was, by the way, the longest line I have ever seen at the Silver Lake club.) He stayed from the beginning of the night all the way through the headlining band's set, singing along with the tunes and telling his friends how much he loved it. Afterwards, he hung around for a bit, taking some pictures with the violin girl from ATE and shooting the shit with the guys from the Deadly Syndrome. Who knew Jack Bauer had such good taste in music?

· Feb 1. - Dave Chapelle keeping it low profile at Swingers on Beverly. He looked a little thin but that might be because I've gotten so fat because of this strike. Come back, Dave, we need you.

January 30 - Forest Whitaker at the gas station on Beverly and Fairfax. Sweet Beamer! I had to hold myself back from telling him how beautiful his wife looked at the SAG awards.

January 27/28 - Drew Barrymore and Justin Long at the Apple Store at the Grove. Giggling as they read the blog 100 Days in Bed. Zexy!

· 2/3, about 5:15 p.m.: It's not every day that you see Oscar nominees-slash-Emmy winners at the local drugstore. Well, it's kinda every day here. But that doesn't make it less cool that, while making a Super Bowl halftime meal run, I ran into Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy at the Rite-Aid on La Brea and Santa Monica. They looked adorably normal with their two cute little daughters, even with Bill's crew cut and mustache - must be for a movie, I hope think.

· Was going to Maha Yoga in Brentwod tonight (Jan 26) and a dude wearing no shoes (just white tube socks?) opened the door for me. It was none other than Woody Harrelson. He asked at the front desk if they had any sandals, but the lady told him they only had women's left. I overheard him chitchatting about his trip to Kentucky to promote some sort of system that turns poop into drinking water. The other two members of the Shirtless Stoned Triumvirate were nowhere to be found; maybe next week.

· Saturday 2/2 at Sushi Ike on Hollywood Blvd I was seated across from James Spader. He looked good in his dark-rimmed glasses and younger than recent pics I've seen. He was with a hot-but-age-appropriate redhead and one of his sons, who looks like Fred Savage circa 1995. No really, a lot like Fred Savage. When he left he bid a large and friendly farewell to the staff and chefs.

· Not sure if this was overreported to you guys or not, but TIM ROTH was all over the Health/Autolux show last Friday at the El Rey (2/1). He was taking photos of the band from all over the sides of the stage, striding confidently out of the side stage door area (presumably for no reason, I'm sure they have bathrooms and booze backstage), and kind of weirding out all the indie rock fans in general. What's that guy from Pulp Fiction doing here? was a question wafting about the area - I also reminded them he was "the bad guy in Rob Roy".

Here's an unconvincing photo I tried to take of him as he snapped away during the Autolux set.

· Was at the 7:05 showing of 27 Dresses at the AMC Century City 15 on Sat night. Lisa Kudrow was sitting next to me with her friend. Both seemed to enjoy the movie, and their small bags of popcorn. No one made of big deal of this

· Saw Rob Schneider in a sloppy red tee shirt having lunch with a buddy at real food daily today. (2/5)

· Weds, January 30 - Dylan McDermott waiting for his car in a strip mall off of Santa Monica Blvd. I assume he'd had lunch at Hamasaku. Was really nice - when the valet accidentally handed my friend's car keys to him, he joked about switching cars!

· The strike-bearded masses convened at the Ryan Adams show on 1/31, including: mustachioed Gil Bellows, paunchy Ken Olin, dreamy Justin Kirk (who hopefully found special appreciation for the pot jokes), frequent attendee Cameron Crowe, and that chick who played "Jane Doe" on Grey's Anatomy (imdb says her name is Elizabeth Reaser). I'm sure there were others, but I was hypnotized by Spacewolf for most of the show.

· Saw Mischa Barton last night (2/4) sucking face with some scrappy dude in a booth at the Rainbow Bar & Grill...

· feb 1, The 'Ho, How I Met Your Mother/Knocked Up's Jason Segel smoking a ciggy in front of Basix. tall and smoking nerd hot, rocking a scarf while waiting for a friend. i'd hold his bong any day, earthquake or not.

· Adam Levine at Katsuya Hollywood last night (2/3/08), pretty trendy sighting at a pretty trendy place. He was with a group of hipster guys and girls, they were there for a few hours and seemed to be enjoying the delicious yellowtail.

· Feb 6 - I saw "Lost" star Emilie de Ravin at the Farmers Market's Monsieur Marcel market the other day. She was buying red wine and no one recognized her. Looks like she's spent her strike downtime eating.

· Jan 5: Seth Binzer in Van Nuys traffic court: He looked like a mohawked butterfly in his bejeweled green hoodie and gilded t shirt. I had randomly caught the first episode of Celebrity Rehab, otherwise I would have thought he was just a regular douche, not a sober celebrity douche. Seth Binzer had some photo copies of rehab completion certificates, and the look on his face was proud. He explained he had missed multiple court dates because he was in "several recovery centers" and I swear he looked about to name drop Dr. Drew. I think the judge had seen the show too, because he was much less condescending to old Shifty Shellshock than he was to the rest of us. After explaining that while going to rehab voluntarily is commendable, it's no excuse for missing court dates, the judge knocked his fines down to about a grand. One can only imagine what they were to begin with. His violations were kind of weird, including driving a vehicle without mirrors. Just when I thought this guy was gonna be the only one of us not publicly put in our place by this just judge, Seth asked for a One-Stop. The judge said, "I've never heard of a One-Stop." Seth said, "Yeah! This guy in line told me that since I was here I could go ahead and take care of this other ticket I got in Sherman Oaks and-" The judge cut him off and said, "No son. That's why you don't listen to jail house lawyers or guys standing in line. You have to take care of all your court appearances individually. You cannot do a One-Stop." I didn't see if the judge used scare quotes or not, but it sounded that way.

After Seth met with the cashier he said to his one man entourage "I got six months to pay this. After six months, I'm gonna reassess." I wish him the best.

· Feb 5 We saw Luenell— the prositute from Borat — dining with girlfriends at Chinois Monday night.

· The American Society of Cinematographers will honor Annette Bening for never making her DPs sully their craft by insisting that all lenses trained upon her be slathered in the youth-conferring lubricants demanded by her more vain peers. [THR]
· Rent will close on June 1st after ten wildly popular, overrated years on Broadway. [THR]
· Forest Whitaker enters the "playing coaches in uplifting sports dramas" phase of his Oscar-winning career, as he's in negotiations to join the cast of Patriots as the man who led a high school basketball team to the Louisiana state championship following Hurricane Katrina. [Variety]

· THR stresses the importance of winning the strike's PR battle as a work stoppage drags on. Translation: Give reporters the quotes they crave, tight-lipped picketers. [THR]
· New Line hopes—perhaps insanely!—that The Golden Compass will bring them Lord of the Rings-like success; however, the studio is hedging its bets somewhat by whoring out the movie to any brand partner who'll help them raise awareness of the armor-clad polar bears they're praying audiences will find every bit as cuddly as furry-footed Hobbits. [Variety]
· CBS must be thrilled that NCIS is reaching new heights in popularity just as it's about to run out of first-run episodes. [THR]

In today's episode: Cher, Matthew Perry, Natasha Gregson Wagner, and Alicia Silverstone; James Blunt; Drew Barrymore and Justin Long; Forest Whitaker; Felicity Huffman, Cherry Jones, and Sarah Paulson; Karl Malden; Mike Tyson; Famke Janssen; Dominic Chianese; Seth Green, Joel McHale and David Annable; Elizabeth Perkins; Alexis Bledel; Tom Colicchio; Carson Kressley; and Eric McCormack.

· Saw Matthew Perry and Alicia Silverstone (not together) circulating around the rooftop patio before the Frames went on stage at the Henry Fonda last night (9/6). A very petite Cher was with a group of people that included a gentleman who was a dead ringer for Kenny G. Chandler Bing, who looked a little rough, was with a lady who I believe was Natasha Gregson Wagner (not sure though). Didn't see them during the actual concert because it was so awesome, I had tunnel vision.

· 9/6 - saw matthew perry and james blunt at the frames show at the fonda. matthew must be a big fan cause he was at glen's swell season gig earlier last month as well. while he was introducing a song, glen was like "you just want to come back from tour, sit on the couch with your girl while drinking tea, watching Friends, you know?" i looked back and matt and his girl friend were cracking up. and at another point in the set, glen randomly half way through the song "star star" said "this song is for matt." i didn't look back to see if it was for him or not. he is, however, taller than i expected and seems to be aging well. he has kind of a rough look. ok i'm being gay. the end.

· Sep 5 - Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were spotted at Pace Restaurant in Laurel Canyon trying to meld into one being using only their tongues. Ah young love.

· Saw Forest Whitaker filming what I now know is Power Blue (thanks IMDB!) right next to my block on Hollywood Boulevard in the middle of the heat of Tuesday. He was dressed in a Santa outfit, which made me feel bad for him... but then I remembered he's probably getting a few million and his car probably has air conditioning. Dick.

· Went to grab a late lunch at Toast yesterday (9/5) and had just finished telling my companion that every time I go there, I see some celebrity (B or C List status mostly) when all of a sudden behind my back a flurry of activity breaks out. The clack of multiple camera shutters turn my attention to the curb behind me where a funny-hat wearing Kirsten Dunst stands hiding her face from a collection of paparazzo. Stating, "this never happens here," she was brought inside by a server to wait for her car to pull up and whisk her away. Upon getting her the getaway vehicle (face still covered) her little fan club takes off in chase. Sadly, my first reaction that the site of her snaggletooth was that it detracted from the deliciousness of my beloved tuner melt. Sigh.

· In a misguided attempt to beat the sweltering heatwave this weekend, a friend and I caught the Sunday, 5:30 pm screening of the Bourne Ultimatum at the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight. "Misguided" because we thought there would be air-conditioning. Other duped Arclight patrons included: Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives), Cherry Jones (Tony Award winner) and her girlfriend, Sarah Paulson (of the late Studio 60). Felicity wasn't nearly as thin as I thought she'd be, but if she packed on 10-15 pounds she'd definitely look more feminine (I hate myself for saying that because I really do love her). I also noticed Cherry Jones before I even recognized Felicity.

· Sep 5 - Holy god! KARL MALDEN IN THE HIZZY!

Just hackin' it up on my MacBook at the humble Coffee Fix in Studio City when Skag himself, KARL MALDEN comes in and gets himself a coffee and properly-pronounced croissant. Class act, that Malden.

· Another Privacy Watch, another obligatory Mike Tyson sighting. Saturday afternoon at around 4, (9/1/07) I saw the fearsome Iron Mike speaking to a couple of guys in front of one of those clothing stores on Melrose with one name (which is to say, all of them.) He looked a little chunky, but don't tell him I said that.

· Today 9/7 driving to work on Sunset Blvd. I was stopped at a light and look over to my shoulder and see a very attractive brunette woman driving a Prius in a white wife beater, also stopped at the light. It took me a second to realize it was the comic book movie vixen Famke Janssen.

Also on Wednesday at Cat N Fiddle, as I was walking out after my meal into the courtyard I spotted Dominic Chianese (Junior Soprano) seated and talking with some PYT in the corner. He's still pullin game, god bless his old man soul.

· Well....Bacara resort (in sassy Santa Barbara, actually Goleta for anyone paying attention) was the place to be on labor day weekend. I had lunch at the spa cafe between Seth Green (he's so tiny, he's almost troll status) and is ultra-skinny biatch girlfriend, who were dining and laughing their asses off with Joel McHale (Talk Soup Funny Guy who's a good 6'4") and his wife. Seth ordered the shellfish bouillbase, which my friends and I thought was funny considering the 100 degree plus heat, but Joel picked up the tab. On my other side was Dave Annable (Brothers and Sisters) who was rocking the shirt off, aviator shade look with a tall L.A. looking chick. We all exited at the same time, and Dave was definitely checking out every other girl in the place - classy! But Seth gave no props to Dave who kept looking at him to see if he knew 'he' was....it was hilarious to watch. Seth and his lady hugged it out with Joel and his wife, who then joined us at the Spa pool for a nice salt water swim. A fine way to spend an otherwise boring Monday afternoon!!!

· Thursday Sept. 6: There I was standing in line for my brie and apple panini at Aroma Cafe in Studio City, when the women in front of me in line turns around and I see it's Elizabeth Perkins a.k.a. Celia Hodes from Weeds! She was wearing a cute floor length sun dress and was totally sunburned, or rather, baked.

· Tues 9/4...Cruising west on Sunset, through Echo Park, when I spot Alexis Bledel (or her doppelganger) standing on the street with a couple of people. I can't for the life of me figure out what she was doing there, if it was her...it was a little too far east to be trendy.

· In town for business, I had three celebrity sightings in as many days.

First, Thursday, August 30: Tom Colicchio of Top Chef fame, at his new restaurant Craft in Century City. He was sporting the chef's coat and working in the kitchen, but came out and chatted with some fans. He is fitter in person and his eyes are absolutely piercing blue. He is just as cool as he comes across on television and his new restaurant is amazing.

Friday August 31: Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight guy, filming yet another reality television program at the Promenade in Santa Monica. This one apparently involves women with body self image issues. Carson was invented for television and couldn't have been nicer, but he seems Botoxed within an inch of his life.

Saturday, Sept 1: Eric McCormack from Will and Grace at LAX. Only slightly shorter than I would have expected, he was with his wife and son, both of whom are equally adorable. They sat on the floor, waiting for the flight to Vancouver, and kept to themselves. He has such a distinctive voice and a great smile.

In today's episode: Leonardo Dicaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Avril Lavigne; Halle Berry and Yeardly Smith; Demi Moore; Forest Whitaker; Djimon Hounsou; Dolly Parton; Lily Tomlin and Teller; John Krasinski and Kevin Sussman; Chris O'Donnell; Jason Bateman; Kelis and Nas; Kim Kardashian; Scott Baio; Mike Tyson; Illeana Douglas; Zachary Quinto; Vincent Gallo and Thurston Moore; Andy Dick; Michelle Rodriguez; Michael McDonald and Andrea Bowen.

· 8/22/07 10:05pm - Brentwood - So I'm at Katsuya where on one side of my table is Leo Dicaprio, Tobey Maguire and random actor guy I've seen in some things but have no idea what his name is and on the other side is Avril Lavigne. Leo actually scolded me while I was using my blackberry telling me, "don't use that" pointing to it where I promptly rolled my eyes and kept texting. I guess paranoia is rampant post growing pains. I mean, c'mon no one in the room even looked up from their kiwi-flavored scallops with yuzu vinaigrette at him. I also don't want to point fingers or anything but when my friend went into the one toilet unisex bathroom right after Avril it was totally clogged where my friend came back to our table saying "I'm not getting blamed for that mess." I'd love to see that in US weekly's "they're just like us!" section.

· This may be too late but last Friday, the 17th, my wife and I had the most amazing dinner at La Terza on 3rd street. Dining next to us was Halle Berry with her enormous white male model boyfriend and some rumpled old dude. That would have been amusing, but sitting behind us was none other than the voice of Lisa Simpson, Yeardly Smith. Good thing I spent all that time watching "Herman's Head," or I wouldn't have known what she looked like! Anyway, who cares, the food was out of this world, Gino was in the kitchen and all I could think about while eating the most amazing roasted pork belly was "Trading Places."

· So, today (Aug. 21) I went to see "Superbad" at AMC CC. When I got into the the theatre, I saw that basically 2/3rds of a row was taped off with signs on the chairs reading "reserved for a birthday party." Interesting—the last time I saw seats taped off like that, it was for Bruce Willis & entourage at Pirates 2. My friends and I sat down in the remaining seats in the row. And, sure enough, when the lights went down, in came Demi Moore and the youngest Willis girl and her teen friends. No sign of Ashton or Bruce. When the movie was over, they dashed out so quick before the lights came back on that my friends didn't get to see Demi. At this point, I just want to know what kind of deal the Willis clan has with that theatre...

· On Wed, 8/15, lunch hour rush at Jerry's Deli across from Cedars, I alerted my out of town guests to keep their eyes peeled for celebs on lunch meetings. We were about to leave, and Forest Whitaker rolled up to the valet in an off-white Chrysler 300 (y'know, the baby Bentley). I would respect his privacy and not report it, but hell, Jerry's at noon? He wanted to be noticed.

· Aug. 21: Djimon Hounsou at the WeHo Equinox. Little bit of white in his goatee. Must be from all that give-me-an-Oscar fence-rattling.

· Aug. 23: Over here in Muppetland, aka the Jim Henson Studios, it's been a fun day. The Queen of Country, Dolly Parton stopped by looking fantastic.

· Thursday 8/23 Formosa Café - Lily Tomlin with a small group. Mostly kept to herself, but saw her craning to look at the old headshots as she walked through. Resisted the urge to tell her that I was obsessed with "Big Business" for about three months as a kid. Also saw Teller from Penn & Teller with another group.

· Sunday at Sunset Junction, I saw Kevin Sussman — aka Walter from "Ugly Betty" (and yes, I needed IMDB for that one) — walking down Sunset just past the exit gates with what I assume was his (kind of pretty) girlfriend. Then, later Sunday afternoon at the movie theater at the Grove, I was behind John Krasinski and a male friend in line to pick up tickets from those automated ticket machines that, for some reason, speak to you in an Australian accent. Anywho, John was dressed in a hoodie (notwithstanding the fact that it was at least 95 degrees outside), and John's friend was wearing extremely tight skinny jeans. I only provide such detail because I haven't had a good celebrity sighting in months, so I may be a little overly descriptive.

· Aug. 22 I'm at lax and chris o'donnell is here on the curb with 100 bags and a black lab. He is also wearing an extremely preppy outfit of khakis, pint plaid shirt, and boat shoes. Shorter than I thought and not really that recognizable. So weird to see the man whose robin costume inspired the first funny feelings in my 12 year old loins.

· On vacation in California last week, and managed a good mix of sightings in two days in LA:
~ Tuesday 8/14: Jason Bateman, filming on Dayton Drive and looking cute in a suit with portfolio bag on his shoulder. He's taller than I thought.
~ Lunch at the Farm: Kelis & Nas having lunch right next to us. Very low-key & polite to the wait staff. She's pretty and he's short (Sawed-off in the words of my boyfriend.) Adorable couple.
~ Kim Kardashian on Robertson leaving M.A.C. and being snapped by the paparazzi. She put a finger up to her mouth, like she was telling the paparazzi to keep her desperate presence a secret, while they took her picture. Please. She had on cute shoes, though.
I Love L.A !

· Last Saturday I was having a please-cure-my-hangover brunch with my sister and step mom at the Beverly Glen Deli and almost did a spit-take with my crab omlette when I spotted "I'm 45 and Single" SCOTT BAIO!! He was with a mixed gender group of mostly attractive, actory looking folks although my sister - who watches his show - claims that none of them are on it. Scott was in shorts and a t-shirt, trying to rock a hipster beachy vibe and was actually pretty cute. He doesn't look 45 at all. Definitely knew the entire place was staring at him and liked it. I couldn't decide if I was thrilled the cameras for his show weren't there as I was feeling pretty rough and not prime-time ready or bummed - who doesn't want to be on TV?

· I was at the Farmers Market last night (Aug. 23) having drinks with a friend. After we finished our drinks we walked through the market and crossed paths with three people near the fruit stand. I said "Excuse me" as I passed in front of them, looked up briefly to see who it was, and almost lost my mind. It was MIKE TYSON.

Now, I'm not a fan of the man, but when you see him and his tattooed face (and it totally looks like facial kudzu, I'm not kidding) in person, it's quite a surprise. I ran over to my friend and asked if she saw who we just passed. She didn't, I told her it was Mike Tyson, and she stopped in her tracks and declared that she had to get a picture with him. We hustled back to the fruit stand where he was posing for photos and my friend asked him if he wouldn't mind taking one with her. He obliged and I took the photo on her camera - no kidding!

But wait - there're more. After I took my friend's picture with Mike, he then took out his camera and said, "Let me get a picture of you!" And there you have it: Mike Tyson took a picture of my friend and me on HIS camera. Hilarious, no?

· Saw illeana douglas as VintageWeave Antiques across from the Grove this week. Obviously walked across the street from the farmers market as she was a carrying a big pink cake box from one of the bakeries there..she was holding it out like it was loaded with spun gold. Very friendly. Embarrassed to say that I got a rise from checking her out because Bug-Eyed Girl has a smokin' body.

· Late Entry - two weeks ago (8/10) I saw new Spock Zachary Quinto at the West Hollywood Trader Joe's. He was dressed stylishly in a WeHo hipster sort of way, skinny jeans, striped shirt, gelled semi-mohawk. He paused to take a picture of the girl he was with as she stuck her face through the cardboard character cut out at the checkout stand. I don't think it was his girlfriend, because I am pretty sure he prefers the men.

· took in a movie yesterday at the new landmark theater at the westside pavillion and afterward decided to scarf up a tasty burger at the apple pan across the street. upon entering and finding a seat, i looked up to see my favorite sleeze-bag actor and baby maker for rent vincent gallo. the "brown bunny" boy was seated alone by one of the registers eating something that required utensils. he had this kinda dazed vacant look as he sat and consumed his gruel or whatever it was in the bowl in front of him. if you did not know who he was, he looked like a homeless guy that finally begged up enough money to actually sit somewhere to get something hot to eat. pretty pathetic.

· Vincent Gallo and Sonic Youth's Thurston Moore hanging out together around the bar at the Yeah Yeah Yeah's show at the Mayan Theater (8/22)

· Aug. 22 - Yay! My first real celeb sighting since moving to LA. four months ago. So, I met up with a friend for lunch at the delicious LUCQUES (I recommend the BLTA!) when I spy none other than sitcom-sidekick and Howard Stern guest Andy Dick sitting at the bar (in front of the windows, natch). He looks surprisingly healthy, the hair was a bit darker, no glasses, and he was in the company of two cute boys. I was staring inappropriately and he made eye contact and gave a friendly wave - I wasn't sure if he though he knew me or was just grateful to be recognized. I realized I was probably being rude and went on my way. The end.

· Michelle Rodriguez. Thursday morning. Sitting outside JambaJuice in the heart of Boystown/Weho. Sitting with a pretty young lady. Both in blue jeans & long-sleeve collared shirts (like men wear). Neither wearing a lick of make-up. Girlfriend sitting with legs demurely crossed. Michelle sitting with legs wide open. Leaning forward with one for-arm on the table. Kind of like how you'd imagine McSteamy (Eric Dane) would be sitting with a chick he wants to bang.

· Hey, if somebody can report on Mr. Belding at the Cat and Fiddle, can I chime in on my eehhh sighting as well? Sunset Junction on the Sunday the 19th. Saw Michael McDonald (nah, not of the Doobs / Steely Dan...much to my chagrin)...the one from MadTV. Hes tall, had a few people around him, and did not look in the mood for any Stuuuuaaaart-related requests. Uh, not that I'd do that anyway.

· Saw the girl who plays Julie Mayer (Andrea Bowen) on desperate housewives last night (Aug. 23) in santa monica at some crystal light charity thing. I was shocked to see a young hollywood start NOT out partying. Weird!

In today's episode: Forest Whitaker; Orlando Bloom; David Caruso; Dustin Hoffman; Jay Leno; David Spade; Ryan Reynolds; Tony Hale and Kelly Clarkson; Tim Allen; Tim Allen; Giovani Ribisi, Danielle Rees, and Zooey Deschanel; Scott Speedman; Thomas Lennon; Meg White; Brooke Burke and David Charvet.; Ben Harper and Laura Dern; Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb; Mario Lopez, Dante Spencer, and Isaac Cohen; Nick Carter, Brian Littrell, and Howie Dorough; Justin Guarini and Jesse Camp.

· So I went to this Hollywood Reporter reception at Crustacean on Monday and was enjoying wine and mini-bowls of garlic noodles when Academy Award Winner Forest Whitaker (please bold entire phrase) cruised by with his wife. Good sighting, but it gets better. On his way to the door, a little Asian guy in the jazz/R&B band notices Forrest and announces on the loudspeaker "Forest! Forest!" and somehow convinces the couple to come to the front of the room. The guy then proceeds to get everyone's attention and SERENADE him with John Lennon's "Imagine." Extremely awkward. The crowd just kind of looked on in puzzlement. But Forest was gracious, posed for a few photos with that little woman who owns the place, then high-tailed it to the valet (literally I think I heard screech marks when he pulled away).

· — Viceroy Hotel in Palm Springs (Saturday 10 March)...was lounging by the pool with cocktails and friends and saw what looked like a weathered version of David Caruso...yeah, you can guess where this is going...it was David Caruso. He was down there for his wife's birthday and she brought 4 fellow gays with her (2 of which were quite hot). They appeared to have a few small children (his?) and nannies in tow. He said hello and seemed like a nice guy but I really wanted him to pull his sunglasses down and tell me I was going to jail for killing his brother or something.

— Il Sole (12 March)...birthday dinner with friends (long ass wait but amazing food) and in strolls Orlando Bloom with an angry publicist type. Its not a big restaurant but he proceeded to be greeted by or greet someone at almost every table. There was one oversized blonde with an English accent that hovered around him most of the time...she looked familiar but I have no idea who she is. Orlando was sporting some curly brown locks and a cute sweater. He's a bit too girlish for my taste, and I don't think he can act his way out of a paper sack, but he's cute so who cares. Four paparazzi were waiting for him outside the restaurant.

· 3/12 pm- Saw Mr. Focker himself, Dustin Hoffman, at my current fav restaurant and serious Cougar hangout, Bandera in Brentwood. Pretty much what I expected him to look like, and seemed really nice. I was hoping to see him with Sacha Baron Cohen, since I've heard they've been joined at the hip lately- but no luck. That would have been niiiicccceeee.....

· I'm driving down some side street in Burbank last week trying to beat the traffic on Hollywood Way to the Burbank Airport, when I see some aged contraption ahead with billowing mounds of black smoke coming from where the exhaust pipe should be. I mean this thing was a pollutin' machine. The neighbors probably thought the street had been closed to film the next Towering Inferno movie. I pull up alongside the driver, give him a dirty look, and it's none other than Jay Leno. He doesn't smile, just returns the dirty look, I pass him and continue on my way.

· if you ever want to have breakfast with david spade (and why would you?) he can apparently be found at the belmont on la cienega. the last 3 times i was there with family he was eating inside with "his posse". my mother says he has "dookie drawers" which means he has a big ass. i don't know if he actually wears adult diapers full of shit but whatevs. he's usually there with kevin farley ( brother of the late chris farley) who looks good. david is, per usual. tiny and a bit girlish. does heather have lezzie tendencies???

· Fri 3/16 @ 11:50am - Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds, getting ready to ride off on his silver Ducati motorcycle on Roxbury Drive and little Santa Monica. The bike caught my attention first before the rider.

· Saw Tony Hale and his lovely wife at the amazing Patty Griffin show at the Wiltern tonight, 3/13 — Buster was always my favorite Bluth so I had to try hard not to geek out. They seemed very normal/cute.
Also saw Kelly Clarkson at the same show, very low-key ... hat and no makeup, and accompanied by an older woman—maybe her mom? Thumbs up to Kelly for her taste in music ... I knew I always liked that kid for a reason!

· gelson's studio city, tues nite, about 6ish. there's tim allen, who's next to me in the frozen pizza section (wouldn't he have a personal chef or something?) he opts for digiornio's while i get california pizza kitchen. he gives me one of those "surprised friendly" smiles that makes me think at first that i know him. all i can think of is that heonce got busted for DUI, right? i never watched "home improvement."

· Giovanni Ribisi with a newly blonded Danielle Rees, Zooey Deschanel and other male friend at the dive bar "Little Joy" in Echo Park. The girls are both gorgeous in person albeit quite a bit thinner than I'd imagined. They were hamming it up in the dj booth while the fellas looked on. Giovanni, like a fine wine, is getting better with age. I'd never thought of him as "sexy" before, but a few dignified lines and some facial hair have changed my heart. All four of them were drinking water or red bull all night. (Scientology thing maybe?) They seemed happy. No PDA to be seen though.

· Wed 3/10 @ 4:00pm - A very bearded Scott Speedman outside the Arclight lobby by himself heading towards the parking lot.

· Saturday, the 10th, spotted Thomas Lennon from Reno 911 walked in the Jamba Juice near Beverly Center. He was sporting his character's famous 'stache and enjoying a morning walk with his dog. About an hour later, inside Bev Cen, Dita Von Teese was walking near the Louis Vuitton store. She looks EXACTLY the same in person, jet black hair, red lipstick, and a tight black outfit.

· Thursday, the 15th, Meg White from The White Stripes was dining at Swingers on Beverly. She looked totally casual and relaxed, even though it was 2 in the morning. Two guys joined her at the booth, but Jack was not there.

· Don't know if this counts as a "celebrity" (the line is murky these days), but saw Brooke Burke and hubby (??? looks like a leftover from "Baywatch") [ed. note Extreme Makeover's Garth Fisher M.D. Baywatch's David Charvet] eating at Blue Plate on Montana in SM on Sunday. I can't remember what she's famous for, other than taking her clothes off and some shit on E! She was in a sun dress thing-y and flipflops that probably cost more than all of our meals combined. Sunglasses and baby strapped to her ample (fake) boobs.

I'm not a fan of her (looked very plastic), but the other two males thought she looked good (the woman in our group gave her a "eh"). Apparently Brooke and her annoyingly LA hubby forgot to either pay or take their credit card. Weird confusion that resulted in the waitress running after them. They came back to clear up the confusion, but by then the four of us had lost interest in the soap opera.

Mere seconds later, Ben Harper and Laura Dern sauntered by (near the Peet's at the corner). Looking attractive, tall and lean— they're a couple who looks like they enjoy a lot of sex. Usually I'm not a Laura Dern fan, but damn...she was looking fine. And Ben is almost hot enough to turn a man gay. I thought to myself that I'd kill for that physique (as I puffed stupidly on my post-breakfast cig). My brother was visiting from out of town, so it was a nice "welcome to LA" morning. Now, if only I can stumble across Grace Park, I'll die a happy man.

· 3/11 - On Sunday, I passed Donald Faison w/ Cacee Cobb pulling into the parking lot at the Coffee Bean on Sunset & Hayworth. He was driving a black Prius and looking very happy.

· Shopping at Macy's Glendale Galleria last Friday afternoon (March 10) when I ran into Isaac Cohen, Britney's ex, browsing the men's department.
I stuck around for a few minutes later and realized he was there to work a Cubavera event. Around an hour later, Mario Lopez shows up for a meet and greet.
People lined up to see him flash the mega dimple smile and maybe see him strut his stuff, but no dancing there. And to complete the trio of man candy, Dante Spencer (I know he's Paula Abdul's ex because somebody said so) also worked the room. I must say, all three were easy on the eyes and caused quite a stir among the ladies.

· Saturday March 10th. Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame with hot Latina in tow at the Magic Castle. At one point during a show, a magician called out, "Hey Mario, I see you here all the time. Are you a member or something?" to which a slightly embarassed Lopez replied in the affirmative. So I guess that's what he's been doing since the Bayside years ended.

· Yesterday, March 13th at Koo Koo Roo in Museum Square area on Wilshire Blvd. Three Backstreet Boys, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell, and Nick Carter (I had to look up their names on the internet) were spotted having lunch with two other guys. We did not see them leave as they exited out the back door. Imagine that...the Backstreet Boys going back door?

· Tuesday, 3/13.

So I waited on Justin Guarini tonight, along with two of his friends. He's fairly tall, reasonably polite, but needs a haircut. But on to the important stuff:
Their bill was $167. My tip? $10. Stellar. Really classy. To be quasi-fair, they paid $140 cash and Justin put the rest on his card...and he was the one that left a tip. So one could make the argument that he tipped me well, but his friends are fuckers. However, Justin, you're still culpable because you have shitty, ill-bred friends who stiffed me.

· I don't even know if this counts but it's definintely a random sighting.

On the 304 bus this morning heading toward Santa Monica, I'm almost positive former mtv vj Jesse Camp was passed out a few seats ahead of me. Homeboy is still going for the homeless glam rocker look. Eventually woke up and began text messaging before getting off somewhere in Santa Monica. Maybe a meeting at mtv??? Bizarre.

The place was packed and security was tight but it was worth it. I saw several Oscars floating around the party.

Leonardo DiCaprio made the rounds with Bar in tow. He donned his usual ball cap. He's a really gracious person. He recognized us and said hello. Just a brief encounter.

Martin Scorsese made a quick appearance.

Djimon Hounsou as sprawled out on a chair drinking a beer, meeting a girl.

Live action short film Oscar winner Ari Sandel celebrating the night away. I got to hold his Oscar (they really are heavy) while he was congratulated by Vince Vaughn. Ari directed Vince's comedy show documentary. Vince posed for photos with our group. He arrived at the party in the wee morning hours and stayed for a few hours. He spent most of the time chain smoking and talking to a buddy. He seemed to practically avoid women at the party.

I found my self sandwiched between Jamie Foxx and Forest Whitaker. I congratulated Mr. Whitaker and as humble as usual he turns my attention back to Foxx. Jamie introduced himself and we chatted briefly about Texas as we're both from the same area. Foxx was definitely on the prowl. He tried to chat up my Paris Hilton-look-alike friend but she was having none of that.

As we make our way back to the shuttles we saw Forest again. His crew was loaded into a shuttle with Carmen Electra and friend.

The rag mags' favorite party crew was there too: Nicole Richie lounging and snuggling with her boy (Joel right?). She was drinking and having a good time. She even chowed down a plate from the buffet with Mischa Barton. Paris Hilton was looking very out of it, talking on her cell. We talked to her a bit. (One of the girls in our group looks like her twin.) Later saw her arguing with Stavros. He looked like he was "over" her. He kept trying to walk away and she kept pulling him in. There was an obvious disagreement. It ended with Paris running into the bathroom. Nicky Hilton was around too. She was hanging with some guy, looked like a boyfriend.

Lindsay Lohan was looking sober and chatting to a male friend. She wasn't the crazy party girl I've read about.

Other sightings ...

Jessica Biel still in her Oscar attire. No sign of Justin in sight.
Kirsten Dunst looking a bit out of it.
Reggie Miller looking - well — tall.
Cameron Diaz. I didn't see her talk to anyone significant.
Rosario Dawson in a long white coat.
Amy Smart
Naomi Campbell was there. She looked amazing, as a model should. Hung out with some girlfriends. Didn't seem to be with a guy.
Stacy Keibler and boyfriend. They danced the night away. She was *super* social. Seemed to talk to everyone.
X men guy ... James Marsden partied to the wee hours. He's single and was lookin'.
Adam Brody looking dapper in a 3-piece suit.
Scott Speedman (I noticed him because I just think he so cute. No one in my group knew who he was.)

People that made me think hmmm ...

Dog the Bounty Hunter was there.
Courtney Love (she looks like she looks in every picture I've seen of her. A mess. Her boobs were falling out of her dress - no surprise there.)

The music world represented ... besides Courtney:

James Blunt and girlfriend (what's her name? She was stunning looking.)
Jon Bon Jovi - he was very nice.
Kid Rock - I don't know who he is with but that woman had some BIG teased-out hair. They kept to themselves.
Danced to the tunes of DJ AM but no signs of Mandy Moore. If she was there I didn't notice. (By the way, he's dance mix lived up to the hype.)

• Complete Oscars Coverage [Defamer]

· The AFI list gets happy, including such lighthearted fare as Borat, The Devil Wears Prada, Dreamgirls, Happy Feet and Little Miss Sunshine. To even things out a bit, United 93 and Babel are singled out as having impressively maximized the depressing potential of their "doomed 9/11 aircraft" and "randomly shot American tourist on a marriage-salvaging bus tour of Morocco" subject matter. [Variety]

· The NY Film Critics Circle names Paul Greengrass's United 93 as the year's best picture, instantly sending Oliver Stone into a spiral of self-doubt over whether he should have maybe told a less uplifting 9-11 story, and not had it star the guy from Ghost Rider. Forest Whitaker and Helen Mirren both take the top acting awards, he for playing bloodthirsty, psychotic despot Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland, and she for playing bloodthirsty, psychotic despot Queen Elizabeth II in The Queen. [THR]
· The Los Angeles Film Critics Assn. names the non-Ryan-Phillippe -starring-chapter of Clint Eastwood's ode to World War II couplet, Letters From Iwo Jima, as the year's best picture. Mirren makes it two and two, as does Whitaker, though in a stunning upset, he ties Sacha Baron Cohen in the best actor category. Instantly, the specter of the overexposed Kazakh correspondent showing up to the Oscars to compliment the "hilarious man in charge of ceremony, Ellen DeGeneres" looms ominously. [The Envelope]
· The Boston Society of Film Critics gives their top honors (picture and directing) to local favorite The Departed, and Whitaker and Mirren make it a hat trick. Best supporting actress went to Shareeka Epps for Half Nelson, which, along with Jennifer Hudson's NY Film Circle win in the same category, indicates that this is shaping into the year of young, unknown African American actresses who can both steal a movie and break your heart, all with a single, mournful look and/or high note held for approximately two-and-a-half minutes. [Boston Globe]