Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

Honestly, no one's given a shit in the past 25 years. Yet as always, with mondo-stratospheric celeb death comes a whole stadium full of dusty grievances. With the fire vid now shocking the internets, the fire safety inspector at the shoot, Captain Don Donester ("DON DONester" - what clever parents he had!) blames director Giraldi for making Jackson stand under the sparks longer so the popstar would "look more majestic."

C'mon, admit it. The moonwalk with one's hair in flames? Chilling, yes. But it does look pretty Olympian.

TMZ called up Giraldi for a response. He said, "That's not true. Whatever." Click. Dial tone. Wow, what a prick!

In true canned spokespersonspeak, Pepsi's response was also a hair toss and shoulder shrug.

We don't know what that footage is. It's 25 years ago. We don't know who owns it, so we have no recourse as far as I know. I can only tell you what I know. We didn't put it up and we don't know where it came from.

Guess they're bitter their latest slogan, "Refresh Everything," hasn't registered with anyone anywhere nohow.

The video clearly shows Jackson doing a few pyrotechnics takes safely and then, on the sixth, everything goes disastrously wrong and his hair is set ablaze. It almost looks as though Jackson doesn't notice it at first, until some guy runs on and just sprays him in the fucking face with a fire extinguisher.

In a statement the actor thanks fireman for saving his fish:

A fire broke out in my Manhattan apartment this morning, apparently starting with a lamp attached to my fish tank. The sprinklers promptly activated and the NYFD came by to make sure it was contained.. Fortunately, the fire did not spread and no one in the building was injured — even the fish are okay. My thanks to the New York Fire Department for their quick action.

A source tells us that Morgan's tank was full of sharks and eels and things. Which is hilarious. Oh, Tracy. TedSez was right.

[TMZ]

OK! magazine reports that the actor and comedian lost most, if not all, of the contents of the Trump Place apartment. The fire apparently also spread to other apartments, including maybe Sherri Shepherd's??

The View Earth's roundness-denier mentioned the fire on her show this morning, saying that her apartment had flooded because of the sprinkler system. So that's awful for everyone, good thing they are rich and can buy new things and new apartments.

More importantly, isn't it kind of wonderful that Sherri and Tracy, who play husband and wife on 30 Rock, live in the same Riverside Drive Boulevard building? Maybe they have secret "rehearsals"...

Here's Sherri talking about the fire and her precious, precious wigs:

On a certain level, there is little as beautiful as Los Angeles burning. Be it actual fire, Ed Ruscha's work or the end of Miracle Mile when the ICBMs are coming over the Hollywood Sign, we find the destruction of the City of Angels to be gorgeous. Very Oedipal, we know. That said, 53 cars – mostly Chryslers and Lincolns – were tragically incinerated Sunday right across the freeway from where Griffith Park went up in flames. Up a few miles from Dodger Stadium and across the river (yeah, we have a river) sits an industrial section of Atwater Village. All of the dealers in Glendale use this part of town as an overflow facility for new cars. The cars are kept outside next to dilapidated warehouses. One of which caught fire and destroyed 53 cars. Embers from the blaze ignited dry palm tress half a mile away. It must have been quite a sight. Thanks to the Mike Meadows for the image. – Jonny Lieberman

Warehouse Fire Destroys Nearly 60 Cars [cbs2.com]; Fire Destroys Dozens of Cars and Vacant Building in Atwater Village [lafd news & information]

Related:
San Diego Arsonists Apparently Unhappy With Toyotas [Internal]

A smattering of reactions from operatives and some new, pretty photos follow:

· "All of us at the Universal lot are driving around with the golf carts to investigate. Crazy amounts of smoke, tons of helicopters and fire trucks. Frightened tourists on the tram tour. Please don't include my name so that my boss won't know I'm totally not working right now!"

· "Warners Will Burn Down!!!! - Due to the REAPING premiere last night...pissing god off...now we have fire! Plague #11, burn down studio which did movies on Plague's #1 - 10.... "

· "WB is STILL making TV and movies on the lot even as a brush fire licks at Gate 7. The lesson here is:

1) WB is not going to be intimidated by some flaming danger that's circling their back gate
2) Over at Universal, some tour guide is taking that burning bush example for The 10 commandments section of the tour a little too seriously."

• Breaking: Burbank Is Burning! [Defamer]