Kudos, HuffPo, for allocating resources and a crack team of interns with magnifying glasses to the mysterious case of Madonna's stubbly upper lip. Sure, the pop superstar's facial hair is a somewhat sad excuse for a mustache, even flimsier than the three-week old peach fuzz sported by a heavily concentrating McLovin (and we're surprised to see the site venture down this path so soon after their "Look at 58-Year-Old Anna Wintour's Wrinkles in Close-Up" item bombed a while back), but this investigation reps a brave new frontier for Arianna Huffington's respected news organization. In no time, we expect the to see the editrix personally drawing cum stains that dribble down Sarah Palin's face — and won't our national discourse be better for it?

• Madonna Premieres "Filth and Wisdom" with Celebrity Friends [HuffPo]

1. The World No Longer Wants Madonna's Sex: As we know by now, Lesbian Chic is the word. And despite her reputation as being so very salacious in the Erotica department, Madonna's on-stage kiss with her female backup dancer two months ago didn't cause much of a ripple in the pop culture universe. All the stunt really did was make Lourdes cry and finally learn what all those ladies were doing crawling in between Mommy's legs in the Ritchies' many life-size portraits hung prominently in each and every house they call home. Marrying Madonna should mean being one half of a super sexy barrier-crossing team — if Madge couldn't even compete with Lindsay Lohan in making lesbianism "cool," what is she doing for his stock?

2. Guy Ritchie Does Not Have Brad Pitt Penis Envy: Just as little Maddox put the nail in Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton's bloody coffin of a relationship, adopting the Ritchies' newest asset David from Malawi was allegedly not such a joyous occasion for Guy. After rumors surfaced that Ritchie wasn't on board, his public denials after the fact didn't do much to help squash the gossip. As he put it, "We don't talk about it. We haven't talked about it for the past six months." And somehow we doubt Guy will be yammering on and on about his legally adopted son David for the foreseeable future either.

3. Madonna Officially Swept Away Guy's Filmmaking Cred: After pulling a Gwyneth in 2006 and "giving up" that whole showbiz career, the Desperately Seeking Susan scene-stealer spent years trying to figure out, Her Madgesty not-so-memorably spread her directing wings for this year's Berlin Film Festival disaster, Filth And Wisdom. And even after THR noted its sole saving grace was assisting audience members with "getting in touch with their inner slut," Madonna just announced last week how much she prefers unloading bombs like these to shimmying around stages. But when you're dating the likes of former BAFTA nominee Ritchie, whose highly stylized gems have managed to make Brad Pitt look funny and indecipherable dialogue feel tolerable, the battle between Guy's talent and Madonna's indestructible ego is enough to make anyone run for the hills. The silver lining? Madge will no longer singlehandedly wreck any more of Ritchie's films by testing out her accents on-screen.

• MADONNA AND GUY 'DISCUSS SPLIT AS SEVEN-YEAR MARRIAGE HITS ROCK BOTTOM' [Daily Mail]

As for the cinematography, Var chides Madonna for staying stuck in the 80s: "It's as if she's taken her video for 'Papa Don't Preach' as her main dramaturgical template." But despite all the Madonna-hatin', we're somewhat tempted to sneak into a theater incognito and watch it based solely on the description of leading man Eugene Hutz. Var claims he's got "rock-star charisma" and is the only actor since Daniel Day-Lewis to make a handlebar moustache look sexy. Though we beg to differ with that last assertion (Sascha Baron Cohen in Sweeney Todd, hello!), we'd sit down for a reading session of Erotica with Hutz any day.

• FILTH AND WISDOM REVIEW [Variety]
• FILTH AND WISDOM [THR]