I’m no opera buff, but I heard that David Cronenberg was directing an opera version of The Fly and I wanted to go. When I saw that decent tickets were like $250 each, I decided to pretend I was a journalist and get in for free. This worked shockingly well. Not only did I get orchestra seats to The Fly, but also tickets to Il Trittico (a Puccini trilogy directed by William Friedkin and Woody Allen) as well as an invitation to the opening weekend black tie gala. In other words, my ass got hooked up.

I arrived at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion on Friday night, at least 20 years younger than everyone else and certainly the only one in a rented Men’s Wearhouse tuxedo. The women, bronzed and tucked within an inch of their lives, were draped in gowns that looked like fine Renaissance tapestries. Golf ball-sized bangles hung from their elongated earlobes. The men had self-tying bow ties and wore patent leather loafers without socks—a move only extremely successful people and total douches can pull off. The crowd even smelled rich. No Axe body spray here, this was strictly a Creed gathering, filled with people who made their money long ago. These guys didn’t have to worry about whether the studio would greenlight their next project; they were too busy donating wings to museums. I grabbed some complimentary champagne and drank a flute or five, thinking it would help me blend in a little better.

The opera began and I was carried all the way to intermission afloat on a sea of alcohol. So much for the performance. Before I knew it, I was in the lobby with the swells once again. There was a reception for the media but I decided to skip it, preferring to stay with my rich brethren. I noticed that a select few of them were making their way to the left side of the auditorium and I decided to follow. They were filing into the Founder’s Room— an exclusive members only club within the already exclusive club of people who attend the opera on opening night. I snuck in, which was surprisingly easy to do because security doesn’t assume anyone would be so uncouth as to pull a stunt like that. The room was a gorgeous wood-paneled affair and the people here made the people in the lobby seem like paupers. There were even some celebs. Michael Eisner stood alone in the corner thumbing through a program. Martin Short walked by entertaining a group of dowagers who cackled at every word he said. William Petersen talked shop with some ancient executives. Don Johnson (!) strutted around with his amazingly tall ex-model wife. Josh Groban was being Josh Groban. I drank more free champagne to steel myself for the opera’s final act.

Soon enough the show was over and it was time for the opening night gala dinner. Only large donors to the opera were invited to this shindig and I was one of the lucky few members of the media asked to cover it. The courtyard of the Music Center had been converted into a banquet hall. Crystal stemware, silver, and a centerpiece of expensive roses graced every table. I was seated off to the side with the other journalists, but they were professional opera journalists, and therefore far classier than I. We dined on filet mignon and creamed Tuscan black kale catered by Patina. A live orchestra tinkled out standards and I fortified myself with still more champagne. Placido Domingo, living legend and director of the L.A.O. took the mike. In his glamorously Italian-accented yet boring speech, he thanked the opera’s many benefactors and introduced the cast and crew. Then he singled out Woody Allen.

Earlier in the evening Woody made his operatic debut by directing Gianni Schicchi, the only comedic opera in Puccini’s Il Trittico. It was a smashing success and received a standing ovation, but the famous recluse never came out for a curtain call. Many of us wondered if he even bothered to show up at all. I certainly didn’t expect him to be at the gala dinner. But as soon as Placido said his name, Woody stood up and shyly waved to the crowd. He had skipped the tux in favor of his traditional uniform-the famous thick black glasses, khaki pants, frayed Oxford shirt, and a blue blazer—and it made him look more like a living cartoon character than a real human being. It’s rare that anyone gets a chance to be near Woody in the flesh, especially Los Angelinos, and within seconds well-wishers mobbed him. Most memorably, Don Johnson came up to him brimming with confidence. “I’m a big star,” thought Don. “There’s no way Woody wouldn’t be psyched to meet me.” But when he tapped Woody on the shoulder and shook his hand, Woody said hi, and then immediately turned to talk to someone else. Obviously Woody Allen could give a shit about Don Johnson. For the briefest second, a look of embarrassment flashed across Don’s face, but then he bucked up and went back to his model wife, pretending all was right in the world.

After that, the evening pretty much died down. I drank the last of my free champagne and floated off into the night vowing to become super rich so I could hobnob like this every year.

[Photo Credits: FilmMagic]

DEFAMER: Mel Brooks and John Waters turned their old movies into Broadway musicals. How come you went the opera route?

CRONENBERG: As a kid I saw the original West Side Story and The Pajama Game in New York, and I have a fondness for musicals, but I've never really been attracted to them as something I would do myself. It makes sense for John Waters to do it. He's into that kind of stuff. But I'm much more snobby and elitist! Although truthfully, opera was popular in its time. It's only now, in retrospect, that it's become an elite art form.

DEFAMER: What did your agents and lawyers say when you told them you wanted to direct an opera?

CRONENBERG: They don't tell me what to do. Your agent is there to help you realize the projects you want. Sure, they're interested in money—they want to get their ten percent—but they work for me.

DEFAMER: Your work has been getting more and more critical acclaim lately. Do you care about winning an Oscar?

CRONENBERG: You have to remember, the movie I did in 1986 won an Oscar.

DEFAMER: Yeah, but for best makeup.

CRONENBERG: You know, everybody disdains the Oscars and wants one at the same time. And I think that's the right attitude. Many wonderful, creative people have won Oscars, so if you win one, you're in their company. And there are also some great filmmakers who have not. So when you don't win an Oscar, you're in that club. But that can never be your motivation. The Oscars are such a lottery. You don't know what films you'll be up against. You don't know what people's attitudes will be. It's foolish to spend two years of your life working on a movie on the off chance that you might win an Oscar.

DEFAMER: Who is it more important to please, yourself or an audience?

CRONENBERG: There's no difference. You are your own audience to begin with. I once met Oliver Stone and he said, "Do you mind being so marginal, with such a small audience?" And I said, "Well, how big of an audience do you need?" There comes a point where if you try to please too big an audience, you lose what was interesting about what you're doing. You have to achieve a balance.

DEFAMER: Why does it seem like all your movies are in some way obsessed with the human body?

CRONENBERG: People don't pay enough attention to the body. My understanding of life is very existential. I think that we are our bodies. There's nothing else, and when we die, that's it. No afterlife. I'm very anti-religious because religion tends to disembody you. There's an emphasis on your spirit, or where you'll be when your body's gone, and that's misleading. I think the world would be a better place if it we admit that's not the case.

DEFAMER: Did you see that BodyWorlds exhibit at the science center here? You of all people would love it!

CRONENBERG: That's what people tell me.

DEFAMER: I've heard you say that you are lazy, but you seem like such an obsessive guy. How is that possible?

CRONENBERG: I get other people to do work for me and then I take credit for it. I say it jokingly, but it's true. I have a desire to be creative, but that's not the same as obsession. I'm happy reading a book or riding my bike through the hills. I get up late, I stay up late. I'm not very well organized unless I'm plugged into a structure like the opera or a movie. When I'm doing that, I have to be organized. But left to my own devices, I like to laze around. I think that's a huge part of creativity. You have to let your mind relax and then another part of your brain suddenly connects with the solution you're trying to find. I nap all the time when I make movies. Often I give my cameraman a very difficult lighting set up so I can get a longer nap.

DEFAMER: What a great scheme. Alright, one last question. Who is weirder, you or David Lynch?

CRONENBERG: Oh, Lynch is way weirder than I am. That's obvious.

(From L To R: Composer Howard Shore, performer Daniel Okulitch, David Cronenberg and conductor Placido Domingo)

[Photo Credits: FilmMagic, Getty Images]

• The Fly: The Opera

In today's installment: Ryan Seacrest, Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel (twice!), Michael Keaton, Adrian Grenier, Calista Flockhart, Lorne Michaels, John Krasinski, Amanda Bynes, Florence Henderson, Balthazar Getty, Eric Dane, Channing Tatum (twice!), JC Chasez, Katherine McPhee, David Boreanz, Kevin and AJ from the Backstreet Boys, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kevin Garnett, Sam Cassell, Hailey Duff, Samantha Mathis, Dave Navarro, Wayne Brady, Charlie Day, Mary Elizabeth Ellis and more!

FRIDAY, JULY 11

· CHANNING TATUM at Fitness Factory on Santa Monica and La Peer. Kind of pudgy and looking like an extra from 8 Mile. Don't understand the heartthrob status at all.

· Saw KEVIN RICHARDSON from the Backstreet Boys at Lucky Devils on Hollywood Blvd on Friday night with three blonds and another guy. While eating, AJ from BSB spotted him from the street and came in to say hello. What are the odds? Kevin looked the exact same, AJ was much more bearded than I remember.

SATURDAY, JULY 12

· Saw JOHN KRASINSKI at Animal on Fairfax. He was wearing a ball cap indoors and was very unshaven, like a couple more days and you have to call that thing a beard. I don't think he arrived with anyone and didn't seem like he was particularly chatting up any of the ladies at his table; I think it was a birthday party and he knew one or two people there already.

SUNDAY, JULY 13

· At the Arc Light Sherman Oaks for Wall-E (yes, I like to see all summer movies, but only after waiting a few weeks; an August Dark Knight screening is already planned) when I saw KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR, as did everyone else in a 500-yard radius. Intellectually, I knew that he's over seven feet, but until you see it in person, you just don't know how tall that is. He was friendly and seemed to be chatting with a couple random fans.

· Saw SAMANTHA MATHIS with a friend @ Figaro on Sunday afternoon. So cute with not a drop of makeup on.

MONDAY, JULY 14

· Stopped at a light in Sunset Plaza, glanced to the right and saw JAMES WOODS sitting at an outdoor table at Cafe Med. Unfortunately he was with another guy and not engaged in any provocative James Woods behavior like canoodling with a twentysomething or holding up his I.Q. score or M.I.T. diploma. Rather, he was just behaving like a normal citizen, albeit one who sits where all the tourists, not to mention tetchy locals like me, will spot him.

TUESDAY, JULY 15

· Saw RYAN SEACREST Tuesday night at the Coldplay show. Posed for photos with fans and seemed really nice.

· Almost ran over Punky Brewster (SOLEIL MOON FRYE) and hubby at the Beachwood Market. They were standing in the middle of the street. Girlfriend lost the pregnancy pounds fast.

· Just saw ADRIAN GRENIER making out with some model looking chick outside Joe's in Venice on Abbot Kinney. He had her pushed up against a wall and they were all over each other. Couldn't hear if he asked her if he could F the S out of her, but it kinda looked like he was trying to do that against the building. Even when I yelled "Get a room," Vinnie didn't even look up. I should have sprayed him with a hose......

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16

· Spotted JC CHASEZ at the Grove movie theatre, accompanied by a shorter, Filipino-looking woman, and a little boy who appeared to be her son. JC was sporting a black baseball cap and black shorts, and interacted with the boy in a cute, fun uncle way. He was squatting down so they could chat, and I overheard him telling the kid in a "hey, did you know" type voice, that his friend so-and-so choreographed the dance for (insert nameless piece of children's entertainment that may or may not have impressed the boy). Identity = confirmed. Bonus points for friendly interaction with children.

· While waiting to board my flight back to LA at the Seattle airport on 7/16, I saw CALISTA FLOCKHART with her son getting in line. She was very petite and dressed down for comfort. No sign of Indiana Jones.

THURSDAY, JULY 17

· KATHERINE MCPHEE looking amazingly cute at Fitness Factory. Also, DAVID BOREANZ. Good haircut.

· I saw MICHAEL KEATON chatting and smiling with some hot 40-something blonde while he ate outside at Amelia's on Main in Santa Monica; they seemed friendly and focused on his NY Times. I see him there often and he usually looks old, rundown, and bitter. I was surprised to see him looking fit and kinda hot. Turns out the blonde had two young sons, who were inside, she left once she got her latte, so they weren't together.

· At the Jason Falkner show @ Spaceland, one tall, friendly-eyed RYAN GOSLING. Good taste in music, very good chest.

FRIDAY, JULY 18

· Last night, 7-8 pm, saw CHANNING TATUM with his Personal Trainer at The Fitness Factory in West Hollywood.

· Ballers KEVIN GARNETT and SAM CASSELL scheming on some LA hos at Caffe Primo.

· HAILEY DUFF with a boyfriend (?) waiting for her breakfast at Aroma Cafe in Studio City.

SATURDAY, JULY 19

· AMANDA BYNES having breakfast with two friends at Jumpin' Java in Studio City. Her friends barely got any words in, she didn't stop talking.

· In line at the Arclight, I saw CHARLIE DAY and MARY ELIZABETH ELLIS - aka Charlie and The Waitress from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. A nice culty sighting. I half stepped out of line and went "STOP. I AM A HUGE FAN" much to the confusion of nearby Arclight patrons.

· My friends saw BOB SAGET at GLOW. Hell yeah.

· ERIC DANE and BALTHAZAR GETTY were meeting for a late lunch at King's Road Cafe. Both wearing shades, smoking, talking and looking rather stone-faced. Balt looked over his shoulder a few times, seemed a little paranoid, smoked more than his companion — whose appeal I still don't understand. They left the table at one point to check out the news stand, returned with nothing, and I can only hope that Balt used it as an opportunity to show Eric his latest vacation pics.

· DAVE NAVARRO and two hotties at El Coyote last night for drinks.

SUNDAY, JULY 20

· After the Feist/Sharon Jones show at the Hollywood Bowl, we were delighted to see FLORENCE HENDERSON boarding our shuttle. We tittered too much about this and the two middled aged ladies behind us told us to mind our manners.

· JESSICA BIEL at City Bakery at the Brentwood Country Mart. Looks exactly like any paparazzi picture you've ever seen of her - pulled back hair, no makeup, angular face. She had on sweatpants, gladiator sandals, and the biggest purse I've ever seen in my life. She managed to somehow look sad, pissed, rushed, and confused, all at the same time. Bizarre.

· I was standing in the walkway between the super seats and the boxes at the hollywood bowl for Feist, and who should walk by me but JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and JESSICA BIEL. Totally incognito. No one recognized them. Instead of turning to go down to the boxes, they turned up and walked about halfway up into the H section, scooted by everyone in their row, and sat down quietly. Totally normal people. It was kinda cool.

MONDAY, JULY 21

· LORNE MICHAELS enjoying a sandwich and fries at Campanile with Paramount's JOHN LESHER and some dude today. Bit of a belly on the Lornester. Lesher was rocking the Homer Simpson short-sleeves w/ tie look. Pasty white arms.

· WAYNE BRADY at Coldstone Creamery in Sherman Oaks.

NOT DATED

· ROMA MAFFIA (Dr. Liz from Nip/Tuck) in line at the Silver Lake Gelson's on a weekday afternoon, first week of July. Looked pleasant with a peaceful smile on her face, more vibrant than she appears on tv. Could have been the lipstick talking, as her make-up was more noticeable than what ladies typically wear for a midday trip to the grocery store.

[Photo Credit: Film Magic]

Attending a charity dinner hosted by huggy bear and lovable eccentric extraordinaire Barry Sonnenfeld, Paltrow ditched her splashy call girl aesthetic in favor of a simple baggy black dress and according to that incredibly silly quote-heavy Brit tab we rarely trust but always adore, The Mirror, "despite the mouth-watering dinner most of the guys spent the night feasting their eyes on her." Okay, it's more than plausible that the new and improved Gwyneth caught a few glances from male attendees, but nobody except the annoyingly and totally unrealistically articulate self-obsessives of Dawson's Creek speaks like this. That aside, we're tempted to officially join Team Gwyneth in lieu of her return to makeup-free living, especially after noticing her favorite accessory, a glass of red, in her hand amid a display of water bottles.

[Photo credits: Splash via Celebitchy, FilmMagic]

• EXCLUSIVE: PICTURES OF GWYNETH WITHOUT ANY MAKE-UP [Daily Mirror]

”Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, ‘Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.’”

Sounds like a cinch, abounding with potential suspects, right? Not so fast. After our handy thinking caps proved to be malfunctioning this morning (or, possibly, the mindgrapes under said cap?), we took a few guesses after the jump, but today calls for the help of you commenters who, as always, are typically far more savvy at this sort of thing than us:

Anyone else who sadly remembers Mango the flamboyant monkey, or Corky Romano the flamboyant mob kid or, really, Chris Kattan the flamboyant Chris Kattan, was surely as shocked as we were to hear someone like model/actress Sunshine Tutt had agreed to marry the quirky little guy. Is she a cokehead, though? Well, were we forced to utter "Sunshine Tutt" whenever introducing ourselves to someone, we might need something to bolster a bit of confidence too. Melanie Griffith has admitted to dabbling with her fair share of substances in the past, and hubby Banderas has not only high-kicked on Broadway, but dude has not one, but two perfumes colognes under his shiny belt. Yasmine Bleeth, maybe the biggest repeat offender in cocaine bustland, is married, but we (and, we suspect, she) don't have a clue who this husband of hers is, but perhaps none of the above matters. When we hear the term "closeted actor," we instinctively picture the two actors most closely associated with the phrase in the public's eye: man-smoocher John Travolta and macho, macho man Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes is many things, but a cokehead? Nah. Kelly Preston, on the other hand... How an actress could fake her way through filming an explicit sex scene with Cruise without the aid of drugs? The world may never know.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, FilmMagic, Getty]

• CELEBRITY SIDE DISH [NYDN]

Most of the ladies who gave up fearing Jesus remain happily married to their Chosen Person. Stunner Elizabeth Banks married the businessman Max Handelman in 2003, and her mother not only approved of Banks’ choice, but made the chuppah herself. First Lady of Dreamworks Kate Capshaw, though still hanging on to her surname from her first marriage, made the switch for Steven Spielberg, and Anne Meara’s conversion put a quasi-end to the primary source of material for her comedy act with Jerry Stiller, “Stiller & Meara,” which used their religious differences for many a punchline. And who can forget Miss Connie Chung, whose baffling adoration of silly Maury Povich convinced the anchor to go Jew for life.

But it’s not all dradles and festivals of lights! Model/actress/bimbo Nikki Ziering went through the lengthy process for, of all people, Steve Sanders himself, Ian Ziering. But predictably, the union went bust after four short years. However, Nikki’s still Jewish! And most memorably, Liz Taylor very famously converted to Judaism to become Eddie Fisher’s second wife, only to eventually become number two of five just a few years later. But her “guts and guile” found its way into Sex And The City, inspiring Charlotte to be proud of her decision to convert for her bagel-loving Jewish baldie, and even name her fancy puppy after Liz.

[Photo credits: Getty, FilmMagic, Wireimage]

• SACHA BARON COHEN AND ISLA FISHER'S WEDDING ON HOLD [Daily Mail]

Admittedly, the tousled blondie Moses would probably look very hot to trot in a pair of Mom's tarantula heels, but being the devoted maternal icon Gwyneth is, we hope she puts a stop to this cross-dressing business at footwear considering the kid can barely walk yet. And Paltrow makes sure to backpedal on the overshare with People by adding that "[Apple] doesn't put makeup on him!" Phew! As long as gollops of Merlot-shaded lipstick and inch-long eyelash extensions aren't included in Apple's bag of cross-dressing tricks, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Moses won't follow in the footsteps of Brad Pitt penis-envying Chris Martin, who wound up so bicurious he became convinced Gwyneth's "boobs are fantastic" just to straighten out.

[Photo credits: X17, FilmMagic]

• GWYNETH PALTROW: APPLE MAKES MOSES CROSS-DRESS! [People]

According to the weekly, it was none other than controversy-free Jennifer Connelly:

"Connelly… will not be included in an upcoming cover shoot for Marie Claire magazine that will feature Aniston… and her other co-stars from the October comedy, Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin. 'Word is, Aniston threatened to pull out if Jennifer was part of the cover.'"

Though we suspect Johansson would have been the target of Aniston's venom had she been free for the shoot, we're more than a little surprised to hear Connelly received the wrath (and the boot) from the other Jennifer. While Barrymore met her own boy toy Justin Long on set and Ginnifer's still dating Katie Holmes' leftovers, these two are unmarried just like Aniston. Connelly's been married for centuries in Hollywood time, and has kids to prove it. Which, of course, makes perfect sense on second thought. If Aniston wasn't going to "hit it off" with one of the movie's other leading ladies, it would have to be the sole hitched actress. We suspect Connelly's ejection had less to do with personality clashes than Aniston's desire to appear like a Barrymore/Goodwin peer, all single and tan and carefree, rather than part of the mature woman's yin to the young gal's yang.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty, FilmMagic]

• JENNIFER ANISTON AND JENNIFER CONNELLY HAVING OFF-SCREEN FEUD [Celebritique]

Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet: Followers include ridiculously skin-and-bones supe Gisele Bundchen, weight loss master Robin Quivers and the muscular Madonna. The 21-day detox promises devotees to shed 21 pounds in that many days "by subsisting on live juices, enzymes - and regular colonics." Fun!

The Master Cleanser: Reportedly what Beyonce used in order to nab her Dreamgirls role, Vince Vaughn allegedly follows the lemon juice liquid diet, and Jared Leto shed his Chapter 27 weight by drinking the "water mixed with lemon, maple syrup and cayenne pepper" cocktail as well. Yum!

Dr. Joshi's Holistic Detox: Fans include the clavicle-flashing Gwyneth Paltrow, original waif Kate Moss and currently slim Ralph Fiennes. The main focus is avoiding acidic and toxic foods, but the downside hardly sounds worth it, and sort of explains Kate's moody expressions in photo after photo: "Users report headaches, stomach pains, nausea and fatigue." Even more fun!

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, FilmMagic]

• CELEB DETOX DIETS MAY PROVE HARD TO SWALLOW [NYDN]

What makes this particular game of bingo far more fun than usual is struggling to figure out which Olsen is which. And in an effort to help you out, we'll clue you in to the fact that Ashley, who hasn't clung to The Prune as obsessively as MK recently, appears only thrice in our montage. Let the guessing games begin!

[Photo credits: FilmMagic, Getty, Wireimage]

• SECRET OF THE OLSENS' SMILE? SAY 'PRUNE'! [MSNBC]

“On a recent weekend, Jeremy rode the Planet Hollywood private jet from Las Vegas to Los Angeles and...started chatting about Entourage. [Piven] suggested that it would be fun to have [his seatmate] make an appearance...Jeremy was overheard calling a producer and telling him as soon as the plane touched down in LA.”

So which diva extraordinaire tickled Piven’s pickle so well she earned herself a much-needed spot on the HBO hit? Details after the jump.

Apparently Piven was seated next to one Miss Whitney Houston on the short plane ride in question, and something in her dilated eyes, crack pipe-wounded chuckle, and most importantly, her tightly packed and newly improved cleavage, inspired Jeremy to give this bitch one hell of a hug and offer her a cameo on Entourage. The mind reels just picturing what Piven has in mind — a competitive power agent who lures clients away using a goodie-packed drawer in her office? Turtle's new S&M-loving cougar crush? Ari's ex-wife's new lesbian lover (remember: lesbians are so hot this season)? We can hardly wait for the inevitable gossip stories involving ongoing on-set epic bickering between two of the most self-important stars around today.

[Photo credits: FilmMagic, Wireimage]

• JEREMY PIVEN IS ALWAYS WORKING [Janet Charlton]

What is it about London that makes otherwise prim actresses turn into girls gone wild? At last night’s premiere of SATC: The Movie across the pond, sex book author and Police Academy alum Kim Cattrall decided to do away with those pesky accessories we’re all (aside from Britney) forced to wear in public: her shoes. The good news? As Cameron Diaz proved at the premiere of Charlie’s Angels, walking the red carpet barefoot attracts some great press. The bad? Cattrall’s shoe-less night on the town revealed the most frightening pair of tootsies we’ve seen in recent memory, and Kim’s reported late-night behavior was eerily reminiscent of the night Renee Zellweger painted London red last month.

After prancing properly down the red carpet in a pair of sky-high Gucci heels, Kim initially headed to the premiere's after-party in a less painful pair of gold sandals. But after reportedly staying at the fête longer than any of her co-stars, she exited Renee-style sans any shoes at all. And despite a remarkably flawless pedicure, this close-up reveals some severe skeletons in her closet: a case of zombie feet that remind us of Paris Hilton's infamous "sinewy" size 11s. Enterprising young plastic surgeons take note: while freaky feet can strike at any age, there isn't any medical technology available today that can cure this problem. Do something about it and you just might turn out to be a rich, rich person. We can think of at least two clients who'll be pounding down your door.

[Photo credits: Getty, FilmMagic]

• FIFTYSOMETHING SEX AND THE CITY STAR KIM CATTRALL KICKS OFF HER DESIGNER SHOES...AND GOES BAREFOOT IN THE CITY [Daily Mail]

Regarding the Aniston/Mayer date in question, an OK! source described the pair as "very close and in deep conversation," while a pervier onlooker told Us, "they were very affectionate, definitely touchy, feely." Which is yucky, considering Mayer most recently touched and felt The Blogger Whose Name We Do Not Mention. But more importantly, Jen has been rumored to go on dates and flirt with co-stars Aaron Eckhart, Owen Wilson and, last we heard, Orlando Bloom. None of these rumors have ever gone the way of a Reese/Jake trajectory from "yeah, right" to one year relationship and still chugging along. How are we to interpret her behavior? Is she proving single women can date around and just have fun without worrying about that whole "settling down" thing? Or is this a PR-conceived strategy to make sure the public knows she's still a very wanted woman, and far from the teary mess Vanity Fair memorably cast her as just after her divorce? Lastly, should we just put a ban on any and all Jennifer Aniston Is Dating So-And-So stories in the future?

[Photo credits: Wireimage, FilmMagic, Daily Mail]

• JENNIFER ANISTON AND JOHN MAYER IN MIAMI [OK!]
• JENNIFER ANISTON, JOHN MAYER MEET IN MIAMI [Us]

When Bravo debuted Queer Eye For The Straight Guy back in 2003, the network's tiny audience and overall lack of buzz went away overnight, replaced by soaring ratings, critical praise and a groundbreaking moment for gay-themed television. Sure, Will And Grace had already proven that a mass audience could accept the sight of two guys kissing, but a sitcom featuring abnormally handsome straight-in-real-life actors couldn't compare to Queer Eye's cast of flamboyantly charming girly boys and their instant appeal among stay-at-home moms and former soap obsessives.

And, intelligently, Bravo capitalized on the show's success by producing endless reality shows featuring gay characters and themes. They started launching shows about styling hair (Shear Genius) to cooking (Top Chef) and, of course, their flagship runaway hit, Project Runway. And as we all know by now, Lifetime (who coincidentally picked up a Queer Eye spin-off starring Carson Kressley) has jumped on the glamour bandwagon by stealing PR away in an effort to exhibit a similar "cool" factor. It was inevitable that TLC would follow suit, and their decision to feature Jennifer Lopez in this upcoming snoozer will undoubtedly appeal to all 6.5 million drag queens who impersonate her on a nightly basis. Our only concern? How exactly will they film Marc Anthony during the day? Don't vampires tend to whither under bright lights? Fingers crossed their solution doesn't include featuring him solely in bedroom scenes (shudder).

[Photo credit: FilmMagic]

• J.LO TO GIVE CABLE'S TLC A GLIMPSE OF HER TWINS' TLC [NYDN]

"It looks like she may have had some filler in her upper lip. It's subtle, but it benefits her face...Her brows look elevated, which means she may have had some Botox in her forehead."

The three pictures above were taken after Jen's septum fixer-upper last July. And to be frank, we don't see any signs of wrinkles, thin lips or (god forbid!) brows that aren't high and mighty enough. Girl looks good to us.

And you know what? Jen still looks just as good, as evidenced by these photos taken in the last few weeks. Are her lips really bigger? Nope. Is she capable of evoking happiness (unlike, say, Nicole Kidman)? Sure! But just to play devil's advocate for a nanosecond, her brows are kinda high. How dare she raise her eyebrows in a state of excitement! We call these so-called experts' bluffs, and choose instead to think celebrities can, believe it or not, be pretty without trying. Cheers.

[Photo credits: Getty, FilmMagic]

• DOES JEN HAVE A NEW FACE? [OK!]

"I love Jessica Simpson's stuff, especially the shoes. I dance around my house in them all the time."

Though we are glad to hear that at least one person out there actually likes anything Jessica Simpson has designed, we have to wonder if Pete only agreed to make due on that "promise ring" he gave Ashlee earlier this year so he could have unlimited access to her closet and makeup bag for the rest of his life. Between his guyliner and her plastic surgery addiction, we only hope they don't rush out too many mini-Wentzes to promptly ruin the childhoods of.

[Photo credit: FilmMagic]

• ASHLEE SIMPSON & PETE WENTZ GET ENGAGED [People]
• GUYLINER + WEARING WOMEN'S SHOES = IS PETE WENTZ STILL STRAIGHT? [ONTD]

Yikes! This is quite a difference from the "Abbie Cornish (whom Phillippe is rumored to have romanced)" revision hastily implemented just after HuffPo's item broke. This is what always happens any time Friedman breaks from his beloved, played-out Michael Jackson beat, but hats off to him and the gang at Fox for keeping the class alive by pretending his lies, rumors and innuendo never existed. Though we can't say the same for either star's lawyers, we'll pretend — for the hundredth or so time — that we didn't see that.

[Photo Credit: FilmMagic]

• First Reese Witherspoon, Now It's Ryan Phillippe's Turn in 'Stop-Loss' [Fox News]

Considering the fact that a line like Whitney Kros (with its zebra-crotched pants and paint-splattered white jeans) is not exactly Chanel couture, we're not entirely caught off-guard to see that Tom, Katie, Will, Jada and the Travoltas didn't make the trek. While we'll never know exactly why the "cool kids" of Scientology weren't there, there is one question that is weighing even heavier on our minds — how sick do you think Jason Lee is of that ridiculous Earl mustache? We're betting that answer lies somewhere between really sick and really really sick. But we've been wrong before.

[Photo Credits: Getty, Filmmagic]

• YOU TOO CAN DRESS LIKE A SCIENTOLOGIST [Janet Charlton]

I can imagine it all right now. The hallway leading up to Brett Ratner's bedroom lined with MTV Music Video awards, scented candles, rose petals and framed photos that'd feel more home in Brett & Bob Evans' 'Book of Us'. The song above blasting through the Bose Audio system all through out the house; vibrating and rattling the windows. Yet the only thing spoken the entire night probably was, "Just not in my eyes, okay?"

[Photo Credit: Film Magic]