Gawker: defamer, fifth grader

Fox To Preview Its Writers Strike Primetime Schedule Tomorrow Night

Mark — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 20:45:15 EDT

Of the countless doomsday scenarios we've pondered since the kickoff of the StrikeWatch season, perhaps none has been more upsetting than the one suggested by the above Fox e-Alert that just landed in our inbox: a primetime TV schedule where's there's nothing to watch but Regis Philbin and Clay Aiken furrowing their brows in frustration at grade-school geometry lessons long forgotten, determined not to hear a smug Jeff Foxworthy ask, "So, since it's obvious that being famous has made you retarded, why don't you ask little Bobby over here how many sides a rhombus has?"

Up until the moment we closed our eyes and imagined this scene playing out every single night for months on end, the nightmare we might all wake up to any day now never felt quite real. Please join us in praying that this catastrophe can somehow be averted before Fox starts puts in a call to Jerry Springer's agent.

Previously: Warner Bros. Issues Its Writers Strike Survival Guide [Defamer]

Trade Round-Up: Fox To Humiliate The Stupid For 13 More Weeks

Mark — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 16:54:40 EDT

· To celebrate Fox's order of 13 more episodes of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, please take a minute to once again relive the televised near-humiliation (hey, he got it right...eventually) of Pledge of Allegiance Guy. Many more special moments like that one are sure to follow! [Variety]
· The floundering First Look Studios is rocked by yet another "mutual decision" for an executive to surrender his or her job, with president Ruth Vitale announcing she's exiting her post once she makes sure Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters gets released without any marketing campaigns that terrify entire cities with their innovative techniques. [THR]
· Ocean's 13 will make its international premiere at the Cannes Film Festival (though out of competition). What this means to you: Nothing, as your boss is too cheap to fly you to France for the fest, but you at least might get to hear some amusing stories about the French audiences booing the film for not living up to the lofty artistic expectations set by Ocean's 12 . [Variety]
· Daniel Craig is in talks in the Fernando Meirelles drama Blindness, getting a start on the long and frustrating process of obtaining roles in which he's not asked to portray a British superspy. [THR]
· Behold the awesome power of American Idol, which can elevate even the worst, previously low-rated sitcom to unimaginable Nielsen heights! [Variety]

Aren't We All Dumber Than A 5th Grader, When You Really Think About It?

Mark — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 21:17:19 EDT

The initial success of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, the latest lobotomizing primetime scythe-swipe from Mike Darnell, Fox's Horseman of the Alternative Programming Apocalypse, prompts a Washington Post article (reprinted on latimes.com) to ponder the obvious question: "Have TV quiz-show questions become dumber, and have the shows' rules grown wimpier, as producers pander to ever-lower audience expectations and the viewing public's general intellectual flabbiness?" The answer is, of course: [SFX: sound of a viewer drooling on his shirt while wondering how Jeff Foxworthy suddenly became so intimidatingly intelligent.] Rather than send you along to waste your time reading about how the quiz-show world has devolved into its current Just Hold Up Two Fingers And I'll Give You Ten Thousand Dollars! Can You Do That For Me, Guy? state, we instead invite you to watch the above clip from 5th Grader, in which a supposedly college-educated man struggles mightily to answer a first-grade-level query while being sadistically deprived of the lifeline of a pen and paper.

The dumbing down of TV quiz shows [WaPo via LAT]
Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? [Fox.com]

Trade Round-Up: 26 Million Americans Officially Dumber Than A Fifth Grader

Mark — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 15:05:24 EST

· But how did yesterday's 416 point stock market bed-shitting affect the faceless multimedia corporations behind your favorite entertainment products, you ask? Disney was hit the hardest with a 6% fall, followed by Time Warner at 4%, and 2-4% drops by News Corp., CBS, Viacom, and Sony. [Variety]
· Kelsey Grammer's Grammnet Productions throws away a 15-year relationship with Paramount for a one-year fling with 20th Century Fox TV's younger, hotter piece of studio ass. [THR]
· Fox's Fifth Graders Humiliating Morons draws a depressingly huge 26.6 million viewers in its American Idol-boosted premiere. Realizing that the series' initial numbers might be a little inflated by its lead-in, the network hopes to continue to hold that audience's interest by adding an element to Fifth Grader in which the show's precocious ten-year-olds kick its contestants in the genitals after each incorrect answer. [Variety]
· Oscar winner Alan Arkin will join Little Miss Sunshine co-star Steve Carell underneath the Cone of Silence in Warner Bros. Get Smart movie adaptation. [THR]
· Robert Downey Jr. signs on to play "Kirk Lazarus, the greatest actor of his generation and a four-time Oscar winner" in Ben Stiller's Tropic Thunder, but there's no mention if that's the role that Tom Cruise was reportedly hoping to land to extend his buddy time with Stiller past Hardy Boys. We'd hate for Downey to get blacklisted at Cruise's United Artists for stealing a role away from the new mogul. [THR]