So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

In the final years of her too-short life (which ended with cardiac arrest late Sunday) Murphy was all saucer eyes and nervous energy, a toothy grin on the arm of one shady movie industry boyfriend after another. After multiple called-off engagements, she settled on Simon Monjack, the screenwriter husband and accused con man now raising eyebrows for trying to block her autopsy. Celebrity publications charted her weight fluctuations, speculated about eating disorders and drug use, and documented red carpet disasters and plastic surgery slip-ups.

There was a time, though, when Brittany Murphy's headlines were all about her promise—and until the bitter end, she fought to get back into the lead actress fold that had once seemed a given. After conquering regional acting circuits, Murphy and her mother threw themselves at the feet of Burbank's pilot season free-for-all, and the little girl from Edison, New Jersey scored one role after another, from the short-lived Drexel's Class to Blossom to Melrose Place and her breakout role in Clueless, where Murphy proved herself a talented comedian. The nervous energy was charming; the saucer eyes sweetly endearing.

But it took four years for her to deliver a successful cinematic follow up with small roles in darkly comedic Drop Dead Gorgeous and critical darling Girl, Interrupted, where Murphy demonstrated dramatic range playing an eating disordered incest victim.

One part of that character became prophetic: Shortly after Girl, Interrupted Brittany underwent a transformation from roly-poly brunette to a whippet-thin leading lady with the requisite blonde hair, heart-throb boyfriend (Just Married co-star Ashton Kutcher), and rumors about drug use and eating disorders. She steamrolled through a series of moderately successful (if generally forgettable) comedies, including Uptown Girls, in which Roger Ebert pinpointed Murphy's "divine ineptitude" (in the manner of "Lucille Ball") as the otherwise light movie's strongest suit.

It was a fine career, but it didn't sit right, and Murphy again changed tracks with roles in 8 Mile and Sin City—and a Maxim-approved "troublemaker" makeover—but her agent suddenly dropped her at what should have been a career turning point. Murphy was described as "hot and cold" and "difficult." She became a voicing staple (with leading vocal roles in Fox's King of the Hill and penguin movie Happy Feet) even as she fought for screen time in acting roles she eventually lost due to "creative differences" and being "problematic on set."

So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

But Brittany's most memorable postmortems will likely be of the tabloid variety: grisly details from the scene of her death, "sources" who come forward to say they saw it coming, speculation about "self-destruction," "enablers," and the price of fame. And so Brittany Murphy, it seems, will die as she lived: ambivalently, a public figure that no one ever quite figured out how to pin down.

The biggest lesson is that there isn't much out there that is as great as Mad Men. It's going to be a long wait until the show returns next summer, but until then, maybe we can all keep ourselves warm with one of these substitues, but it's doubtful.

The Prisoner
Similarities to Mad Men: Mining '60s culture for a modern day story.
Differences from Mad Men: This remake seems to be scared of its heritage, avoiding the pseudo-psychedelic, swinging London vibe of the original.
Reasons to Watch: AMC thinks it's a worthy replacement to Mad Men, placing The Prisoner in Mad Men's time slot cage for its six-episode run. Ian McKellen is pretty awesome in everything, espeically when he plays the villain.
Reasons to Avoid: We were underwhelmed with the first installment, and it's only six episodes long. That will barely get us through the first month of MM withdrawl.
Replacement Analogy: The Prisoner is to a Rolling Stones cover band as Mad Men is to Mick Jagger live in concert.

Dexter
Similarities to Mad Men: An intelligent drama with a dark mood and characters with questionable morality that every so often has some grisly blood spray.
Differences from Mad Men: Showtime's serial killer drama doesn't have the subtlety that we get from Draper and company.
Reasons to Watch: It is an interesting and suspenseful take with a very distinct point of view. This season John Lithgow is doing a knock-out job playing the calm but crazy Trinity Killer.
Reasons to Avoid: There's lots of back story to catch up on, and if you don't like blood, guts, and murders, you're better off cracking open a book.
Replacement Analogy: Dexter is to a bludgeoning as Mad Men is to a slow death by poison.

Brothers and Sisters
Similarities to Mad Men: Lots of family drama and intrigue in the work place.
Differences from Mad Men: Ojai Foods is a far cry from Sterling Cooper, and Betty Draper couldn't care less about her kids where as meddlesome Nora Walker can't go 10 minutes without calling them on the phone.
Reasons to Watch: ABC's ensemble drama has a look inside some fun and wacky family dynamics. Also, Nora has a hot new boyfriend.
Reasons to Avoid: This season has the two story lines that make all TV shows boring: cancer and pregnancy. Every episode is kind of the same: there's a secret, the family has a dinner party, the secret comes out at the party, everyone fights, then they make up. Yawn.
Replacement Analogy: Brothers and Sisters is to a family funeral as Mad Men is to an Irish wake.

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Similarities to Mad Men: A wealthy, creative, annoying man driving everyone crazy.
Differences from Mad Men: Larry David only dreams he could be as handsome as Don Draper, and when Mad Men makes you cringe, it's from finely crafted emotional storytelling, not wacky embarrassing stunts.
Reasons to Watch: Haven't you heard, there's a Seinfeld Reunion and it's only on HBO.
Reasons to Avoid: Larry David.
Replacement Analogy: Curb Your Enthusiasm is to Bruno as Mad Men is to Borat.

Family Guy
Similarities to Mad Men: Um...
Differences from Mad Men: This ubiquitous, animated Fox comedy that is a string of non sequiturs, absurdest rants, and silly ditties is about as far away from the '60s advertising drama as you're going to get.
Reasons to Watch: In case you need to have a conversation with a straight boy between the ages of 16 and 28.
Reasons to Avoid: It's Family Guy.
Replacement Analogy: Family Guy is to beer bongs as Mad Men is to scotch.

60 Minutes
Similarities to Mad Men: CBS' news magazine also features bunch of people who have been working since the early '60s.
Differences from Mad Men: The people are old now (and don't dress as sharply) and think they still know what goes on in the world.
Reasons to Watch: Inappropriate crushes on Leslie Stahl and nostalgia for the ticking watch.
Reasons to Avoid: Andy Rooney.
Replacement Analogy: 60 Minutes is to Parade as Mad Men is to vintage Esquire.

Going to the Movies
Similarities to Mad Men: Decadent and at times either serious or comedic, depending on the mood.
Differences from Mad Men: It's the movies, not TV, so every time it's different. This week we went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, which was smooth, sylish, and visually interesting, like Mad Men, but its overwrought hipster vibe couldn't be different from the show's cool detachment.
Reasons to Watch: Going to the movies every week will keep you culturally relevant. If you catch the late show on Sunday night when MM is usually on, the cineplex is also less crowded than the rest of the weekend
Reasons to Avoid: Leaving the house on Sunday night, $12.50 a pop, and the empty calories from all that pop corn.
Replacement Analogy: Going to the movies is to Twizzlers as Mad Men is to Betty's meatloaf.

Mad Men on DVD
Similarities to Mad Men: Well, it's Mad Men, just all the ones you've seen already.
Differences from Mad Men: No commercials, watch as many as you want whenever you want, bonus material.
Reasons to Watch: With a show as difficult as this, you can't catch everything the first time around, so a rewatch is definitely rewarding. Knowing what happens in season three puts everything in seasons one and two in a different context.
Reasons to Avoid: There are no surprises.
Replacement Analogy: Mad Men on DVD is to your wedding day as Mad Men on TV is to your first date with your future spouse.

• South Park: In its famous "Cartoon Wars" episode, Cartman decides he hates Family Guy, hilarity ensues.

• Deborah Solomon: The NYT's stern question lady had a decidedly pissy interview with Seth Macfarlane last month. Sample Solomon questions: "Personally, I find the show's rape jokes especially unfunny...Why is that funny?...I would say Groening is a better colorist...Are you contemptuous of families?...Are you straight?" God, shut up, Deborah Solomon.
• Richard Lawson: Famous cultural critic who did not care for the show. He called it "crude, sloppy, shamelessly Simpsons-derivative non sequitur humor," which is relatively non-debatable, as insults go.
• Microsoft: Microsoft and their supercool ad agency Crispin Porter Bogusky were all signed up as sponsors for an upcoming prime time Family Guy special, but then somebody at Microsoft accidentally watched Family Guy, and, whoa! Microsoft can tolerate jokes about nerds, Apple, the blind, barely legal hoes, and Rwanda, but this show's "riffs on deaf people, the Holocaust, feminine hygiene and incest" were too much, according to Variety.

Remaining Family Guy Fans:

• Seth MacFarlane: That guy is so rich now. Filthy, unclean rich.
• News Corp. Executives: Family Guy makes money.
• Millions of 18-34 year old males: Their taste is America's taste!

While some attributed the lightness and hope of this summer's successful Star Trek reboot to residual post-Obama good feelings, it was really just a classic genre pic, with zoom around the galaxy, sword fights, explosions and time travel. Not so for the sequel. Re-creator J.J. Abrams, who is writing the script with Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, says their sophomore effort needs a message.

The ambition for a sequel to 'Star Trek' is to make a movie that's worthy of the audience and not just another movie, you know, just a second movie that feels tacked on...There needs to be relevance, yes, and that doesn't mean it should be pretentious. If there are simple truths—truths connected to what we live—that elevates any story—that's true with any story."

Orci echos his sentiments and says that they're looking for the right issue to base the second movie around.

We got a lot of fan response from the first one and a considerable amount of critical response and one of the things we heard was, ‘Make sure the next one deals with modern-day issues.' We're trying to keep it as up-to-date and as reflective of what's going on today as possible. So that's one thing, to make it reflect the things that we are all dealing with today.

Just as Battlestar used a bunch of humans wandering through space to tell a story about the Iraq war and religion and D9 shed a new light on apartheid, racism, and awesome alien space suits, Star Trek now wants in on the contemporary allegory racket. We must say that is pretty rad. We love to blow shit up, but when you blow shit up with purpose, you get the thrill of blowing shit up, but don't have the residual guilt of watching something totally idiotic. The way aliens heads explode when you run over them with a warthog in Halo can be like, a metaphor for the way people's head explode when they are run over by a tank in the Middle East. Or something like that.

There are a few other properties out there that could use some similar intellectual gussying up if their writers ever want to get the time of day at the Soho House. Here some suggestion of how a little well-placed subtext can rescue these shows, and their crews, from their own stupidity:

The Hills:Discussing whether to help Kristen throw her birthday party, Audrina tells Heidi that there isn't room for enough people at the club. They tell her the only solution is for her to to decide who isn't allowed in the club and murder them when the place is overcrowded.
Metaphor: The health care debate and death panel misinformation.

Gossip Girl: Blair finds that putting on her headband makes her feel great and tingly all over. When she wants to buy more headbands, she discovers they are illegal and that the U.S. government is in a long, protracted, and expensive battle to keep headbands out of the country and off the streets. She becomes an advocate to free all the headbands and starts a march that has lots of bongos, puppets, and hacky sacking.
Metaphor: The war on drugs and efforts to legalize marijuana.

Family Guy: Peter's stupid conservative neighbors tell him that their dog Brian was not really born in America, but in Kenya, and they claim to have the kennel papers to prove it. If what they say is true, then Peter must put his dog down and then burn him in the public square while walking counterclockwise around the flames to prevent the spirits of evil from invading the country. He doesn't know who to believe.
Metaphor: The Birther movement.

Man Vs. Wild: While out in the wild, Bear Grylls meets an aimless Sherpa. The two fall madly in love. Bear brings the Sherpa home, but everyone denies their love and won't let them get married. They even go so far as the pass a law that forbids reality show hosts from marrying Tibetans. Everyone is really sad.
Metaphor: The gay marriage debate.

Wheel of Fortune: Every time a contestant wins the jackpot, he is given a trip to Guantanamo Bay! It's such a great vacation that they can't tell anyone what happens there or when they're going to be back. But while they are there, they get to enjoy lots of activities that include water. Now they wish they had picked Z, X, Q, and U for their extra letter, then they never would have guessed the puzzle.
Metaphor: Torture.

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

It happened because the Emmys aren't really about "rewarding excellence" or whatever. Well, they sort of are, but not really. The Emmy people are also concerned with ratings, like the NASA guys on the space episode of The Simpsons ("These machines just measure ratings.."). So they widened all the categories, bringing in shows and actors that regular potato chip-strewn boob tubing idiots like. People like Jim Parsons from some hunk of horror called The Big Bang Theory. Other people like the Mean Guy Who Woos Andy Sachs from The Mentalist. And shows like Family Guy.

The reasoning being, what, exactly? That teenage boys who are obsessed with crude, sloppy, shamelessly Simpsons-derivative non sequitur humor will stop masturbating for two hours on a Sunday night to watch the freaking Emmys? Actually, no. No they will not. Nor will the people who were actually stupid enough to think the awards still had some sliver of meaning (Hi! I'm an idiot), because now they're just a dumb joke. We're thrilled that people like Kristen Wiig, Tracy Morgan, Aaron Paul, and Drew Barrymore got recognized for their tremendously good work this year, but really it doesn't mean much of anything, does it?

Oh God, the 10-nominee Best Picture Oscar category is going to be a doozy isn't it?

Full nominations list.

The Emmy voters should watch this, also:

Here are the nominees, via Variety:

COMEDY SERIES

"Entourage"
"Family Guy
"Flight of the Conchords"
"How I Met Your Mother"
"The Office"
"30 Rock"
"Weeds"

DRAMA SERIES

"Big Love"
"Breaking Bad"
"Damages"
"Dexter"
"House"
"Lost"
"Mad Men"

MINISERIES

"Generation Kill" (HBO)
"Little Dorrit" (PBS)

ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Alec Baldwin - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Steve Carell - "The Office" (NBC)
Jemaine Clement - "Flight Of The Conchords" (HBO)
Jim Parsons - "The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)
Tony Shalhoub - "Monk" (USA)
Charlie Sheen - "Two And A Half Men" (CBS)

ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Simon Baker - "The Mentalist" (CBS)
Gabriel Byrne - "In Treatment" (HBO)
Bryan Cranston - "Breaking Bad" (AMC)
Michael C. Hall - "Dexter" (Showtime)
Jon Hamm - "Mad Men" (AMC)
Hugh Laurie - "House" (Fox)

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Christina Applegate - "Samantha Who?" (ABC)
Toni Collette - "United States Of Tara" (Showtime)
Tina Fey - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - "The New Adventures Of Old Christine" (CBS)
Sarah Silverman - "The Sarah Silverman Program" (Comedy Central)
Mary-Louise Parker - "Weeds" (Showtime)

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Glenn Close as Patty Hewes - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Sally Field - "Brothers & Sisters" (ABC)
Holly Hunter - "Saving Grace" (TNT)
Mariska Hargitay - "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (NBC)
Kyra Sedgwick - "The Closer" (TNT)
Elisabeth Moss - "Mad Men" (AMC)

MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIE

"Coco Chanel" (Lifetime)
"Grey Gardens" (HBO)
"Into The Storm" (HBO)
"Prayers For Bobby" (Lifetime)
"Taking Chance" (HBO)

REALITY HOST

Tom Bergeron - "Dancing With The Stars" (ABC)
Phil Keoghan - "The Amazing Race" (CBS)
Heidi Klum - "Project Runway" (Bravo)
Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio - "Top Chef" (Bravo)
Jeff Probst - "Survivor" (CBS)
Ryan Seacrest - "American Idol" (Fox)

ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Kevin Klien - "Cyrano de Bergerac" ("Great Performances") (PBS)
Brendan Gleeson - "Into The Storm"(HBO)
Sir Ian McKellen - "King Lear" ("Great Performances") (PBS)
Kevin Bacon - "Taking Chance" (HBO)
Kiefer Sutherland - "24: Redemption" (Fox)
Kenneth Branagh - "Wallander: One Step Behind" (PBS

ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Drew Barrymore - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Jessica Lange - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Shirley MacLaine - "Coco Chanel" (Lifetime)
Sigourney Weaver - "Prayers For Bobby" (Lifetime)
Chandra Wilson - "Accidental Friendship" (Hallmark Channel)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Jon Cryer - "Two And A Half Men" (CBS)
Kevin Dillon - "Entourage" (HBO)
Neil Patrick Harris - "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)
Jack McBrayer - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Tracy Morgan - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Rainn Wilson - "The Office" (NBC)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Christian Clemenson - "Boston Legal" (ABC)
Michael Emerson - "Lost" (ABC)
William Hurt - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Aaron Paul - "Breaking Bad" (AMC)
William Shatner - "Boston Legal" (ABC)
John Slattery - "Mad Men" (AMC)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Len Cariou - "Into The Storm" (HBO)
Tom Courtenay - "Little Dorrit" (PBS)
Ken Howard - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Bob Newhart - "The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice" (TNT)
Andy Serkis - "Little Dorrit" (PBS)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Kristin Chenoweth - "Pushing Daisies" (ABC)
Jane Krakowski - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Elizabeth Perkins - "Weeds" (Showtime)
Amy Poehler - "Saturday Night Live" (NBC)
Kristen Wiig - "Saturday Night Live" (NBC)
Vanessa Williams - "Ugly Betty" (ABC)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Rose Byrne - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Hope Davis - "In Treatment" (HBO)
Cherry Jones - "24" (Fox)
Sandra Oh - "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
Chandra Wilson - "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Shohreh Aghdashloo - "House Of Saddam" (HBO)
Marcia Gay Harden - "The Courageous Heart Of Irena Sendler" (Hallmark

Hall Of Fame Presentation) (CBS)
Janet McTeer - "Into The Storm" (HBO)
Jeanne Tripplehorn - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Cicely Tyson - "Relative Stranger" (Hallmark Channel)

Having revived Hong Kong Phooey, the schlocky, chop-socky 70s cartoon about a racially insensitive dog and his kung fu adventures and the fucking View-Finder toy, and another one about Candy Land the boardgame, Hollywood has long decided that there is no such thing as a bad idea when it comes to developing movies around "existing intellectual properties."

The thinking seems to be that new, original projects are just too damn risky. People don't want to shell out $12 for something they don't know already. That sentiment started with the bigtime executives and producers, but has now trickled down to basically everyone.

What we can only imagine is a cynical, jaded, resigned David Goodman, the script writer for Hong Kong Phooey, is also doing an update of Who Killed the Great Chefs of Europe?, a movie from the 70s that he's transplanting to Vegas. He's also a staff writer on TV's irksome referencepalooza, Family Guy.

Phooey will be a terrifically terrible blend of live action and animation, much like the successful Alvin and the Chimpmunks and Garfield, which, hey!, were also based on other old things. Though this story—regular janitor gets transformed into magic karate dog—is decidedly weirder than a lasagna-scarfing cat and, um, a lonely gay man living with three teenaged chipmunks that eat poop. Wait, actually maybe it's not weirder than Alvin.

But, still. Not only is Hollywood Out Of New Ideas, it's Out Of Semi-Decent Old Things. It's really barrel-scraping at this point. So we ask you: Can a Snorks epic be far behind? Have we really heard the last of Jabberjaw and The Neptunes?

Some of the only other viably adaptable properties left:

Connect Four: Very popular in hipster bars, because it's throwbacky and laughably simple. Basically the movie adaptation would be about hot young harried singles living stacked on top of each other in a Manhattan apartment building and the wacky, sexy love combos that ensue. The great thing is that not only is it an adaptation of a popular tic-tac-toe game, it's also kind of an update of Friends as well. One stone, a whole flock of birds.

The Funky Phantom: This cartoon from the early 70s was about a Revolutionary War-era ghost named Jonathan Wellington "Mudsy" Muddlemore who had a cat named Boo and the three 70s-era teenagers he helped solve mysteries. Because it was the fashion of the day, they all drove around in a dune buggy. The phantom, who was decidedly unfunky, was voiced by the guy who did Snagglepuss. So the funky phantom was gay. So! Modern day! The word "Funky" means "Urban" these days which means "Black." So, Mr. Murphy? Are you ready? You don't have to be gay if you don't want to.

Power Wheels: In the world of the future, your wheels are what set you apart and what give you power. Our story unfolds in sun-baked urban hellsphere Meridian City, ruled by the awful Silas Cain (a seriously desperate John Malkovich), who pits innocent citizens (and their wheels) against each other in gasoline-fumed battle royales. He says it's for population control—the food is running out and a rebellious band of freedom fighters, called Hydros, keep staging raids on the feed warehouses—but it's really so he can control through terror. But one day a young wheel-jockey named Max Axel (it would have to be Shia, probably), who watched both of his parents die at The Arena, makes a wary pact with the Hydros to fight the power, using only their wits... and their wheels.

Skip-It: Nick Cannon produces and cameos in (as a weary elder) this hype flick about an East St. Louis underground dance circuit where everyone's doing a new thing called skippin'. Skippin' is fast, furious, off the hook, and mad masculine when the fellas do it and mad girly when the ladies get they skip on. But what will happen when a brother and sister team from Rockwood try to break in? Will the Don let them skip? Will Maisley make it work with badboy Braxton? And will her twin brother Thorne win the heart of the tough-as-nails Monique without getting beat down by her jealous ex-boyfriend Malik? It's gateds vs. ghettos in this pulse-pounding story about the wars we wage in love and dance. You definitely won't want to skip it.

Alphie: The 1980s' favorite teaching robot gets a new treatment in this haunting and terrifying psychological sci-fi thriller. Everyone loves their Alpha Omega Units (Alphies for short). The knowledge-giving teaching robots are used in the classroom, on the job, and in space. When a team of scientist astronauts, led by captain Diane Lane and first officer Chris Evans, ventures deep into the Black Lights—a space zone where communication signals die and time bends—someone begins to sabotage their ship. Plus, everyone seems to be getting smarter. Maybe too smart. Is Alphie involved? Will anyone survive? Movie also stars Ming Na as chief space surgeon Dr. Q. Yang, a bored-looking David Strathairn as Astro-Historian Jonas Zentrope, and Elle Fanning as the ethereal young Brainchild, Isis.

Ohhh ha ha ha. Family Guy thinks it's people. Creator Seth MacFarlane has submitted his painful animated series for consideration in the Best Comedy Emmy category, going up against actual comedies with things called plots like The Office and 30 Rock. [Cut to: A chicken boxing Peter, then James Woods shows up, and everyone throws up, and an 18 year old boy Cheetos-farts and wheezes sadly to himself]. [Variety]

Oh dear. Remember that movie Hot Tub Time Machine that we talked about a little while ago? Well now someone that we used to talk about, a while ago, has joined the cast. His name is Chevy Chase, and you're not. Or something. Sigh. [THR]

UM, YOU GUYS? They're remaking Girls Just Want to Have Fun. This is terrible! Though, we hear Helen Hunt is available. [Variety]

ABC has picked up a summer reality series called Crash Course, about cars crashing into things. They're also excited about their fall series Things Blowing Up, to be followed in the spring by Man Getting Hit With Football, featuring the ghost of George C. Scott. [THR]

Mario Bello (twin brother of Maria?) Adam Beechen's graphic novel Hench has been optioned by Warner Bros. as a vehicle for Danny McBride. He'll play a washed-up sports star. Hm. Familiar. [Variety]

The creator of that new show Mercy (which unfortunately stars Michelle Trachtenberg), has inked a two year deal with Universal. Good for her! I hate her. [THR]

[CelebrityCarsBlog]

The top slot goes to Seth MacFarlane, who earns the $100 million that FOX is paying him to keep Family Guy and American Dad on Sundays through 2012, especially when you consider that Family Guy DVDs and merchandise have pulled in a reported $1 billion for 20th Century Fox.

Did they mention he also just came off a Writers Guild East benefit headlining at Carnegie Hall? Yes—the Carnegie Hall, the one you need to practice, practice, practice to get to, in which he and Family Guy's Alex Boorstein performed 26 songs—one for each letter of the alphabet—in a review they called "listening to a retard's iPod." U was for Diana Ross's "Upside Down," as interpreted by Marlee Matlin. The world couldn't be ending a second sooner. [AP]

First came Rove, who, with new Fox News colleague Chris Wallace, sought to defend the appropriateness of his hiring as an election-season commentator after he recently refused to testify to the House Judiciary Committee. "It is not between me and Congress; I have not asserted any personal privilege," Rove said. "It's between the White house and Congress." A few hours later came MacFarlane, who fell back on the quintessentially good taste we've come to expect:

"Is this where Karl Rove sat? Because I don't want to get AIDS."

That's Seth MacFarlane, startin' things off classy. Of the hundreds of people that will have taken a turn on the Beverly Hilton ballroom stage by the end of the Television Critics Association's semi-annual press tour, the Family Guy creator is probably the only one who could come within 30 nautical miles of pulling that off that joke. It's interesting the things one can get away with saying once people have a certain expectation of your personality.

Funny — we'd say the same thing about Rove. Tell you what, TCA: Bring these guys back every six months and we'll order a stay of press-tour execution.That is television worth watching.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

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The deal is worth over $100 million, committing MacFarlane's showrunner duties on Guy, American Dad!, and Guy spinoff Cleveland until 2012. Throw in series development costs (live, animated, and web-only), and home video and merchandising revenue, you have in this unlikely wiseacre hailing from Kent, CT. a template for the Creative Hollywood Mogul of the Future. If ever there were an appropriate time for Peter Griffin's alter ego to bust out into a rousing rendition of "I Need a Jew," now would be it.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• "Family Guy" creator seals megadeal [THR]

The Advocate: The Parents Television Council voted the episode, along with many others, "Worst TV Show of the Week." Do you appreciate that honor?

Seth MacFarlane: Oh, yeah. That's like getting hate mail from Hitler. They're literally terrible human beings. I've read their newsletter, I've visited their website, and they're just rotten to the core. For an organization that prides itself on Christian values—I mean, I'm an atheist, so what do I know?—they spend their entire day hating people. They can all suck my dick as far as I'm concerned.

Which character do gay fans respond to the most?
Generally they respond to Stewie, because he's arguably the most complex character. He originally began as this diabolical villain, but then we delved into the idea of his confused sexuality. We all feel that Stewie is almost certainly gay, and he's in the process of figuring it out for himself. We haven't ever really locked into it because we get a lot of good jokes from both sides, but we treat him oftentimes as if we were writing a gay character.

If a house party full of America's gay celebrities literally burst into flames, which one would you run in to save first?
John Travolta. But if he's not there for some reason, how about David Hyde Pierce? I'm acquainted with him and he's a good man. And if we ever did a Family Guy Broadway musical, we would need him to play Stewie?"

Naming Travolta—well-established as a loving family guy himself—was a clever response to the loaded question, as it offered a clear indication that MacFarlane chose not to take the gay-life-or-death scenario at all seriously. That should come as a handy excuse should he ever run into Bruce Vilanch at an industry event in the future, wearing a peeved expression and tight-fitting top reading, "Seth MacFarlane could have chosen to rescue me from the Towering Queenferno, but all I got was this lousy T-shirt!"

• BGF: Seth MacFarlane [The Advocate]

We managed to have a hell of a time at Monday night's Family Guy 100th Episode Party at Social in Hollywood, catching Seth McFarlane croon classics like "I Get A Kick Out of You" and "I've Got You Under My Skin" over a live band, and Seth Green fending off various lusty ladies. Supporting engineers and animators also happened to provide us with anonymous tidbits of insider information, such as the fact that this party was waaaaay better than the cheapo Simpsons parties. That, and the fact that Stewie may be hiding a severe methamphetamine addiction.

• Family Guy

• Classic Song's Owner Sues Over Spoof [AP]

"I think writers have a lot of reason to be anxious," [Dean Valentine, a former head of Disney's television unit and president of UPN] added. "The world they've been living and writing in no longer exists. The generic sitcom that has been a staple of TV for 30 to 40 years is not coming back."

But David Goodman, executive producer of Fox's hit series "Family Guy," said audiences had not tired of sitcoms, only weak shows.

"I don't want to insult my colleagues, but the reason people didn't watch 'Joey' wasn't because they didn't want to watch comedy," Goodman said, referring to the short-lived "Friends" spinoff.

Point taken, though we're not entirely sure if having Joey pause every few seconds for a, "This reminds me of the time..." non-sequitur flashback sequence to former, Friends-era hilarity would have been the solution to that series' creative shortcomings. And while the prognosis isn't much better over at Fox, where the ancient custom of sitcom breeding is still practiced despite most of the hatchlings arriving stillborn, we'd discourage out-of-work TV comedy writers to indulge the impulse to panic until they receive a surefire sign that they've exhausted every avenue of employment; i.e. CartoonNetwork.com suddenly stops returning their calls to set up a pitch for their Flash animation web series starring the Osmond grandkids as an extended family of multitalented starfish making their way in a subaquatic, all-marine-life Hollywood.

• No time for making new 'Friends' at NBC? [LAT]