No, really. Yesterday, there was this tiny item buried in the New York Post. Maybe they wanted to be nice to a publicist? Or maybe because this kind of thing was too ghoulish even for Halloween.

Michael Jackson's dad thinks the singer is "worth more dead than when he was alive." Joe Jackson, 80, let that slip last night in an interview on the syndicated TV show "Extra." Jackson — decked out in creepy sunglasses and a blinged-out, black, chalk-stripe suit — quickly recognized his gaffe and blurted out, "I'd rather have him alive."

One hell of a necrophiliac Freudian slip, right? Extra has the item up on their site, but no video, yet: again, wonder why. Meanwhile, when the early week's numbers for This Is It aren't being praised/castigated/positioned both ways by Nikki Finke, the movie's been predicted by Box Office Guru to possibly - maybe - break the $20M mark by the end of the weekend, which is short of the earlier predicted $30M mark.

Whether or not it's "impressive" or a "disappointment," however? Meh. Leave it to studios and math geeks. All that matters is that Joe Jackson sees dollah dollah bills, y'all. Which means Jackson is a star yet again. Give this man awards, Al Sharpton! Abusive in life, abusive in death. Parents won't stop being embarrassing until the universe just flat-out ends.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin/Garry Sun.]

The phone numbers were contained in court documents for the prosecution of singer Brown for allegedly beating girlfriend and fellow R&B star Rihanna. Celebrity news show Extra published the raw documents on its website and, like other outlets, attempted to redact the phone numbers of Brown, Rihanna and Rihanna's personal assistant.

Unfortunately, Extra editors missed a spot, right near the top of the 11-page search-warrant application, exposing the three numbers for which police are seeking records. We've blurred them at left.

It's not clear from the warrant which number belongs to which person, though it seems safe to guess both Rihanna and her personal assistant would be using the same provider, T-Mobile. The first Verizon and second T-Mobile number are disconnected; a recording of the voice mail for the first T-Mobile number is above. You can decide for yourself if you think it belongs to Rihanna or her assistant.

We imagine both Rihanna and her helper have precious little time right now for calls from strangers, courtesy Extra. On the other hand, if the working number does belong to one of them and not some poor new subscriber who got prematurely-recycled digits, then at least the show gave Rihanna's worried family a way to finally get back in touch with her.

After Lopez told Cruise that he made his Broadway debut in the same theater Katie Holmes was currently performing in ("That's outstanding!" barked Cruise), he asked the actor why he chose the Valkyrie role of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg. “I knew I was interested in the film," Cruise answered. "I always wanted to kill Hitler so Stauffenberg and I had that in common." Sadly, Lopez neglected to ask a follow-up about the four-year-old Cruise's elaborate fantasy to travel back in time and assassinate Hitler with a well-timed, sharpened Crayola crayon (periwinkle, natch) to the throat. [Extra]

The Oscar nominee told "Extra," "I want to take this opportunity... also to give you the exclusive and just talk a little bit about the fact that this will be my last performance as an actor... I'm not doing films anymore."

"Extra's" Jerry Penacoli, shocked by the news, further probed Joaquin. "Are you serious?" Phoenix, who was curiously being followed by his own camera crews, reiterated, "Yeah. I'm working on my music. I'm done. I've been through that."

Actor Casey Affleck, present during the admission, tells "Extra", "I don't think he's kidding. He's got music and stuff."

Today, "Extra" contacted Phoenix's rep for clarification and got this response: "That is what he told me."

Ah, the dreaded lure of the Hollywood vanity band! Actors like Russell Crowe and Keanu Reeves have been cast adrift on the shoals of rock before, so we can only hope Phoenix learns from their mistakes. Hey, Joaquin — don't listen to that impulse telling you to give up acting for a cramped North American tour of small clubs. That voice in your head? It's simply the brain-eating frog, come back to collect!

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Joaquin Phoenix: Leaving the Silver Screen? [Extra]

In it, quadruple threat host Mario Lopez—he acts, dances, crunches, and reads showbiz news copy!—capably sums up not just our report, but The View's ensuing damage control campaign. Not only did Whoopi hit the Regis high-chair, but she also reassured GMA's Diane Sawyer that no one's life is in immediate danger—in fact, they all love each other! Yes, yes, we're sure that's all true, ladies, but can we suggest bringing back that effective split-screen technique that hastened Rosie O'Donnell's departure? You're really losing half the fun if the camera misses Joy silently mouthing, "IwillburnyoudownIwillburnyoudown" while Elisabeth defends her theories that a 19-year-old Barack Obama was the one who gave John Hinckley, Jr. his Reagan-shooting marching orders. [Extra]

Previously:

• DEFAMER EXCLUSIVE: Backstage Elisabeth/Joy Blowup Rocks 'The View'
• 'View' Catfight Of The Century Part 2: Joy Tells Hasselbeck 'You Make A Fool Of Yourself!'

"My shirtless photo-shoot days are behind me," Mario Lopez tells PEOPLE in a bitter blow to beefcake.

"My TV projects are my main priority," he says. "And no, you will never see me host Extra without a shirt."

Still, to every rule there's an exception – in this case, Nip/Tuck.

Lopez says he is "thrilled" to be reprising the role of Dr. Mike Hamoui on the cable series, with Dr. Mike moving to Los Angeles – where he can once again gain the attention of the ab-admiring Dr. Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) in the locker room.

"A small spoiler," says Lopez. "Dr. Mike might not be taking anymore showers at the gym with Christian, but he will lose his shirt."

Thank God: a reprieve! America, did we even know what we had before it had been briefly lost? From now on, no one is to ask questions in the rare event that Lopez goes barechested, lest the skittish actor be moved to cover up. Like a beautiful, Naired deer that could be spooked by the merest side-by-side Photoshop, Lopez is not ours any longer. He belongs to the wild.

• Mario Lopez: No More Going Shirtless [People]

Boomp3.com

Recently exiled Extra host Mark McGrath announced his plans to get revenge on Mario Lopez, the newly minted host of the show he recently vacated. McGrath got the idea when he left the popular watering hole, Crown Bar, and saw a giant sign for acting lessons. McGrath said, "If he's going to steal my hosting gigs, then I'm going to steal his acting gigs. So, get ready to see my lovely face all over Lifetime. I'm going to be your worst nightmare. I'm going to be your own personal Nedick."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Mario Lopez to host 'Extra' [Variety]

"EXTRA'S" OPEN INVITATION TO BRITNEY SPEARS (Los Angeles - September 10, 2007) - "Extra" is opening its doors to Britney Spears for a second chance at a comeback. We made the call to Spears this morning, inviting her to perform at "Extra" on our stage in Los Angeles or in Las Vegas at the Extra Lounge in Planet Hollywood's Hotel and Resort. Britney, come perform "Gimme More" and show the world what you've got. Our stage is yours....the deal is on the table.

Britney would be in good company in "Extra's" Los Angeles studio where musicians like Lionel Richie, Seal, Lifehouse, The Goo Goo Dolls, Chris Isaak, Hall and Oates, Nelly Furtado, Outkast and Earth, Wind & Fire have all come to perform in the Extra Lounge.

We know it's incredibly cynical of us to raise doubts about the TV newsmagazine's motives, but we fear a trap. Even though we realize our words will probably never reach the exceptionally bright chihuahua Spears recently purchased to plan her comeback, we still feel the need to warn her that Extra probably plans on dosing her rider-mandated backstage bowl of Cheetos with a powerful sedative, hoping that in her pharmaceutically altered state, she won't notice that the leather bra-and-panty set they've provided her is three sizes smaller than the one MTV tricked her into wearing, negating the weeks of punishing workouts she'll endure to be better prepared for her do-over performance. And we genuinely hope that Team Spears needs no such advance warning to turn down TMZ TV's forthcoming offer to repeatedly stun-gun her in the neck while she tries to perform an a cappella version of "Gimme More" in their new studio.

• Exclusive Video: Britney Leaves Stage After Disastrous Performance [Extra]
• Previously: Britney Spears Gives The People What They Want: A Nationally Televised VMA Trainwreck [Defamer]

How Extra obtained the video isn't mentioned, but one imagines that Hasselhoff decided that his self-flagellating approach to recovery couldn't truly be complete until he's suffered the public humiliation of having his alcohol-soaked nadir reduced to a slickly produced entertainment newsmagazine segment, then forcing himself to listen as Mark McGrath barely contains his disappointment in how far his Baywatch idol has fallen as he solemnly sets up the disturbing clip.

• David Hasselhoff's Cry for Help [Extra]