PR: I have some explaining to do. [laughs]...Yeah, that was tough, that was a tough moment in my life.

Capone: Was it tough at the moment, or was it only tough after?

PR: It was tough…it got tougher…you know, I feel a little asshole-ish doggin’ it, because the guy [Jeff Lowell] who wrote and directed it is a great guy and naturally a very funny guy…I went into it thinking that it might be a little different take than it really was...I get it that the whole ‘dead coming back’ is right there under the ‘personality switching’ food chain of movie crapdom. I get that now.

...I’ve certainly done some clunkers, for sure. And, I take it really hard. It really bums me out. And, that one…I got kind of depressed when it came out, in all honesty...And, I think, I maybe was not the best choice. And, I also was not very good in it. So, I take responsibility for how kind of crummy I was in that, but you know…

Capone: [Laughs] You didn’t stand out as being the crummiest thing.

PR: Well, it’s a tough…it seemed like a movie, like…When I watched it, I thought, They don’t really make movies like this anymore. It seems like this was from 1984, you know?

Rudd goes on to say that the film wasn't simply a paycheck gig for him, though we certainly hope he was well-compensated to fill out a billing block that could boast little besides Longoria Parker and Jason Biggs. Perhaps he truly did believe in the writer/director, but we think it's more likely that he simply couldn't withstand Longoria Parker's unique brand of flattery/coercion: "Jesus! We want you in this movie! Be nice. FUCK!"

• Capone chats with one of his ROLE MODELS—the lovely and talented Paul Rudd!!! [AICN]

Boomp3.com

Before proceeding down the red carpet at a charity event, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria Parker checked in with her closest associates for a bit of last minute advice. While the advice was inaudible to the normal human ear, a body language expert felt that the close associate weren’t dispensing any form of advice, but a quick boost of confidence. The expert said, “The left one said something about being really awesome while the right spoke about how they’re really workin’ it tonight.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]

As he sits on the couch next to guest Eva Longoria Parker, a misheard reference to PETA sends the comedian on a tangent that splashes the audience with sexual offers they've likely never contemplated before bedtime. Bold talk when delivered to a Desperate Housewife, Russell, but we're reserving your comedy credibility until you introduce Miley Cyrus to the concept of a Dutch Oven during this weekend's VMAs.

• The Tonight Show

After filming a scene for the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria Parker took out a stack of bills and began to count out loud at a very high volume. One crewmember asked if Longoria Parker was going to practice her stealth tipping skills, but the popular actress said that her husband is the undercover tipper in their relationship. Another crewmember thought that Longoria Parker might be headed to the Spearmint Rhino to make it rain. Longoria shook her head and said, "Wrong. All wrong. It's my snack money for when I see Pineapple Express at the Americana tonight, dudes. Skittles and James Franco, crazy delicious!"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

The salad may provide me with enough energy to last rest of today's filming. But, my Blackberry is my Blackberry and I can talk to my husband. The salad is healthy and may be delicious; I think it's a chicken salad of some kind. But, I can talk to all of my friends and see what they're up to. I could find out if Ryan Seacrest really sleeps with his Blackberry under his pillow. I mean, I could do both, but my one handed typing skills are not as strong as I'd like them to be. Tony is good at it, though. Maybe he can teach me. I should message him about that. I think I'm going to do both because they take away my Blackberry as soon as I get within 5 feet of the set.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The Accused: Yeeeah!
The Crime: Nasty, mean, misanthropic, supposedly funny comments that condemn a thin woman for being fat.
The Evidence:

"These pictures of Eva Longoria on vacation in Portofino took the gossip world by storm today, and 'by storm' I mean 'she looks fat.' Not that there’s anything wrong with being fat, necessarily. Just like there’s not anything wrong about having a lazy eye or psoriasis that thing where your head grows three time its normal size and shit oozes out of your ears. People like that can still live happy, fulfilling lives. They just need to live them somewhere far away underground in a sewer drain, where their fat ugly skin diseases and uncontrollable gas and ear secretions can’t infect the rest of us beautiful people. It’s what Darwin would have wanted."

It's not funny; Eva Longoria is not fat. Humanity is doomed.
The Sentence: One-way ticket to Malawi, where a crop failure, flood and droughts have three million people on the verge of a severe hunger emergency. You probably won't want to ever make fat jokes again.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Lookism; possible Holocaust joke.
The Evidence:

"I don’t mind that a gay person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan, I mind that an ugly person is blowing a goodbye kiss to Lindsay Lohan. I don’t like it when ugly people flaunt their sexuality right in front of me. It’s unsettling. They should really have some kind of camp where ugly people go to concentrate on how to get sexier. A 'concentration camp,' if you will."

I think we can all agree that not a single word or thought behind this is funny. Is this site supposed to be humor? Or gossip? Or just mean-spiritedness? What is its point? I am having an existential crisis.
The Sentence: Learn the value of having eyes at all: 90 days working for the World Health Organization's Alliance for the Global Elimination of Blinding Trachoma, which performs surgery in countries where conditions and infections cause people to go blind.

The Accused: Perez Hilton
First Count: Weight-mocking.
The Evidence:

"Not Pregnant, Just Fat—For Real!
Rumors keep swirling that Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is sperminated.
The tiny Latina has put on a few extra pounds recently.
Will they say it's for a potential movie role?
Close enough.
According to
her rep, Eva has gained weight for her show.
Says the publicist, 'For the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives Gabrielle [Eva's character] has "gained" weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.'
We guess she likes the role so much that she's decided to wear the butt and stomach pads everywhere she goes!"

I don't get it. Are pigs flying? Is hell cold? Because those things would have to be true if Eva Longoria is fat.
Second Count: Calling a 15-year-old slut.
The Evidence:

"Y'all Wanna See My Panties?? That Miley sure loves lifting up her shirts and skirts. Slut!"

A young woman who poses with her hem hiked up is not necessarily a slut. A young woman who poses naked is not necessarily a slut. How you can call someone you don't know a slut — based on a photo in which 96% of her body is covered — and get paid to "write" on the internet is baffling.
Third Count: Calling the same 15-year-old a "teen slut" and a "Disney whore," based on some possibly fake photos.
The Evidence:

"Miley Almost Naked! When will she ever learn???? Wow. Wow. Wow. These photos look very very real. But, we're working under the assumption that they're fake… Isn't it too young to be posing for photos like that????"

Isn't it a shame that Miley's cell phone might have been hacked? Isn't it a awful that these "almost naked" pictures are actually pretty tame, but that saying so wouldn't garner as many pageviews? Isn't terrible that someone makes money off of speculation about a teenage girl's private life?
The Sentence: Suggestions welcome.



Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

boomp3.com

After being dropped off in Inglewood for the Coldplay concert, Eva Longoria Parker and husband Tony Parker checked their respective messages on their new iPhones. Yet the twosome became so enchanted with their new phones that they missed the concert altogether. Longoria Parker had noticed that they missed the show when the car service came back to pick them up. The driver asked if they enjoyed the concert after pulling up, but Longoria Parker thought that the man had just dropped them off. The Over Her Dead Body star realized that they had been spending all their time on their phones. Longoria asked if her husband knew that they had missed the concert, but Parker said that he had been watching Coldplay videos on YouTube; so, it was similar to being at the concert, only minus the spilt beer smell.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

As none other than Defamer first reported back in April of 2006, the newly single Simpson handled her pouty grief by shoving her cleavage in scented cinema revolutionary Brett Ratner's smelly face, to the dismay of rumored Ratner tossaway Lindsay Lohan. After a Simpson hanger-on called Lohan a "bitch," the then-closeted lesbian allegedly lunged towards their table, held back by the heroic hack himself. A year later, entrenched in John Mayer's predatory grip, Jessica was said to have declared war against her own sister Ashlee after Mayer got the two mixed up in old photos. The rivalry ended with Jessica stating to the press that she was "no longer the girl with potential," but a "blessed butterfly" instead. Triumph! And later that year, the NY Post claimed the amnesia-ridden Jessica became furious after hearing engaged Eva Longoria had dared to be "friendly and polite" to then-ex Mayer, and went on a name-calling rant through New York.

Our favorite tale, however, occurred right on the heels of her anti-PETA message tee bomb drop. Some gossips say the shirt had nothing to do with fuzzy wuzzies or pro-fur campaigns, but was meant as a message to Jesus fan and Tony Romo ex, Carrie Underwood. Underwood won the group's infamous Leno-monologue-staple Sexiest Vegetarian title back in 2005, and Simpson has supposedly been jealous of her whipped boyfriend's ex since day one of their ridiculous union. So in the end, Anderson should probably put the venom away and align with Simpson — they're both failed actresses whose only chance of maintaining "celebrity" is shoving their ample cleavage in the faces of hacks who'll give them their precious screen time.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• PAMELA ANDERSON CALLS JESSICA SIMPSON A BITCH AND A WHORE [The Sun]

With other guests like Kyra Sedgwick, Eva Longoria and Tobey Maguire attending, it's no surprise the security was so tight, but why the golf carts? Did Tom and Katie really force their guests to go scootering around their mansion just to say, Look! We're Rich! You Knew That Already But, But...Look!

Though paparazzi weren't allowed to snap anywhere near the actual party, they did manage to get a good handle on just how pricey the guests' rides were: Bentleys, Lexuses and Porsches galore. We're just relieved Jeremy Piven wasn't on hand to witness the rides, lest he throw a very Ari Gold-esque fit and begin pounding away at his beloved hoopty chick magnet with his hairy bare fists.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

• TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES HOST A-LIST HOUSEWARMING PARTY [Us}
• TOMKAT HOST THE PARTY OF THE YEAR (WITH POSH AND OPRAH ON THE GUEST LIST) [Daily Mail]

Call it a magic moment, call it a completely forced photo opp, but the Cruises and Beckhams did briefly pose on the carpet before entering the Gala. And though Victoria certainly didn't look happy about it, her nipples sure did.

Amidst the sea of designer gowns, we thought Eva Longoria's dramatic ruffle-adorned number was most impressive. Busy and over the top maybe, but her petite little body suddenly looked voluptuous and the midnight purple color was the perfect choice.

Thandie Newton usually kills on the carpet, so we were baffled to see her in this very Madonna circa 1995 S&M lingerie-esque ensemble. And poor Mischa Barton, possibly still smarting from those unflattering balcony bikini pictures, chose a shapeless dress that was boring on the bottom, modern Bride of Frankenstein on the top.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, Daily Mail]

• TOMKAT AND THE BECKHAMS TURN ON SOME OLD-FASHIONED GLAMOUR - BUT WAS IT TOO OLD FOR POSH? [Daily Mail]

"Holmes is annoyed Beckham is choosing to spend most of her time with new friends Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale."

After reports surfaced that Katie and Tom were not invited to Posh's dinner at Eva Longoria's restaurant last week, Victoria was predictably labeled the villain in the situation. But as we learned yesterday, Cruise had a conflict, which suggests it wasn't Posh's decision to ban the couple from her small gathering. However, as we just noted, Katie is reportedly jealous that Victoria has become chummy with Eva and Kate. But really, Katie, are we still in high school? Sure it's lovely to have a BFF, but this new jealousy-driven behavior is striking us as being very Single White Female of you. We know that Tom keeps you on a short lease, but surely you could find some other pro-Scientology friends to play with. Say, maybe, Erica Christensen or Laura Prepon? We know they're not quite as major as Posh, but at least with those two, you'll always be the queen bee!

[Photo credit: Getty]

• VICTORIA BECKHAM AND KATIE HOLMES' FRIENDSHIP 'STRAINED' [Showbiz Spy]

As we reported, on the night of April 16th when Posh and Becks held an intimate dinner the night before her actual birthday, only a select few glamour girls were invited, like Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale. But being the clever talentless superstar that she is, Posh sneakily planned a bigger, better, over-the-top celebration last night, inviting the more usual suspects like Will Smith, Elton John and Gwen Stefani.

And, thankfully, Tom and Katie. But it turns out Tom had a good excuse for missing last week's gathering; he was busy saving the world one gala at a time by presenting an award at the Will Rogers Motion Picture dinner that night.

And as for Katie, we're never ones to jump on the premature pregnant guessing game, but compared to her most recent trend of showcasing her trim figure with body-hugging dresses, this loosely fitting shift dress is the ideal shape when it comes to hiding baby bumps. Has the all-mighty Cruise sperm struck again?

[Photo credits: X17]

• TOM AND KATIE CELEBRATE VICTORIA'S 34TH [Just Jared]

As we heard last week, Tommy had just about had it with Katie and Posh's buddy system when it came to losing weight, and intended on splitting up the power union so he could have his regular-sized wife back. And we'll never know how they do it (or who "they" is, for that matter), but all the forces of Scientology seem to have come together to dissuade Katie from hanging out with the Beckham bunch in order to please Hubbard Hall of Famer Cruise. But really, we somehow suspect Beckinsale and Longoria are far more fun to hang out with. They both have that ginormous toothy laugh going on, and don't come accompanied by men who are over a foot shorter than them in their heels.

[Photo credit: Pacific Coast News via Daily Mail]

• POSH AND NEW BEST FRIENDS KATE AND EVA DINE OUT AHEAD OF 34TH BIRTHDAY...BUT WHERE WERE THE CRUISES? [Daily Mail]

boomp3.com

After watching her husband suffer a crushing loss at the hands of Los Angeles Lakers, Eva Longoria-Parker, wife of San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, decided to work out her feelings of disappointment and frustration. Longoria-Parker told her friends that she was mostly upset because "of all the games I could've gone to this season , I had to pick the one where he loses." A friend mentioned that it would've been awesome cross promotion for the first post strike episode of Desperate Housewives if Tony had won. Longoria-Parker then held her Barneys bag and smiled, "This makes everything all right though. Now, let's get some margaritas!"

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

Can't you just picture it now? The former Saved By The Bell star will gift her with a necklace, and the gullible tabloid press will fall for the ruse hook, line, and sinker. Moments later, the splashy photos will appear across paparazzi sites, gossip blogs, and eventually the tabloids and glossies. And oh, how they'll laugh. Laugh! For Eva and Mario, they are nothing but friends. And you bought it! Do you see now? Do you see what a fool you are, gullible consumer of paparazzi product? Now you go and think about what it is you've done during the commercial break, after which you'll learn things about K-Fed's spare tire that will blow your brains right out the back of your heads.

• Pop Fiction [E Online]

"Kate's pins reminded me of one of my favourite snacks - the Jaffa Cake."

"If [Courteney] sees these pix she'll no doubt be rushing off to the same doctor as DEMI MOORE to make hers the bee's knees.

"Judging by Eva's skinny knees she needs to put on weight. Tunnock's, send her a truckload of tea cakes."

"Heavily-pregnant JENNIFER LOPEZ proves she is a bigger star than ever as she heads for a party with her hubby — and her knobbly knees."

• SOPHIE'S GOT TOBLERONE KNEES [The Sun]