After a few weeks of flailing around like Jason Blair trying to cover up his fake quotes, Runway was back in form last night with a good, creative challenge, some hot paper dolls, and a serious heaping mound of drama thanks to Hot Tranny Meth Johnny. This week, Tim took the designers to the offices of the L.A. Times to meet the paper's fashion critic Booth Moore, a real lady with a name that sounds like it was boosted from a novel. She really served no purpose other than introducing America to her fantastic name. Tim tells all the little chickadees that they have to make a dress using newspaper, and that they can only use one of four sections of the paper. Why only choose one section? Did the show need like 37 extra seconds and having Tim explain this inconsequential complication fill them up?

Anyway, this was just the type of challenge that makes us love Runway and the show benefited from challenging the designers to work with unconventional materials. This week we actually got to see some of the craftsmanship that went into their pulp creations and that is the real reason we tune in. Oh, that and to see colossal fuck ups like Johnny. Not only did both of his dresses suck, but he made up some sort of lie how a iron ruined his first dress by spitting water all over it. Of course no one bought it because they all know better than to trust anything that comes out of a meth addict's mouth. We hate the liar, but loved the lie.

Things We Hated:

• More Missing Judges: Both Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire magazine were absent, the latter for the second week in a row. Kors seems to have been M.I.A since three episodes before the last finale aired on Bravo. Where the fuck are they? Instead we got stuck with Vice Principal Zoe Glassner and Tommy Hilfiger, who looks like he could have played the Joker in the old Batman television show. Lame. Again, the only saving grace was the "guest" judge. But these days, everyone is a guest judge. We want our bitches back!
• Silent Designers: After giving him back story last week, someone pressed the mute button on Epperson again this week. There was barely a peep from below Kenley Jr.'s bangs, and we are seriously loving her creations. Also in Project Runway time out was Carol Hannah and Uli's (fake) mom Gordana, but she's not very attractive, a crappy designer, and has an accent, so we don't mind it as much when she's not around.
• Irina Vs. Shirin: It's five weeks in and we still can't tell the different between these two. They're both young, attractive brunettes with modest design abilities. Irina is the bitchier of the two, but every time either of them is on screen we have to stop and ask ourselves which is which (and which is the witch). Can't we make them wear name tags or give one a hat or something?
• Paper Dress Slide Show: What was that all about? We don't care about the history of paper fashion! This shit looked like a Power Point presentation that one of the producer's 19 year-old daughters made for a fashion appreciation class. Fill up the hour with the designers bitching about each other, not this.
• Sketches and Designs: We saw all the sketches for what the designers were working on next to their half-completed works. The jury is still out on whether or not we like seeing their vision next to the delusion that they're working on. Since we can't decide, we're deciding that we hate it.
• Army Wives: The promo for this '40s-inspired episode of Lifetime's mind-boggling hit show may be even worse than the long version of the trailer for Georgia O'Keefe Paints Vagina Flowers. Designing Women did it first and better, so unless you can get Julia Sugarbaker on the show, we are not interested.

Things We Loved:

• Bitchy Nicolas: His clothes suck and he looks like a husky-sized Kurt Cobain, but he is the go-to man to talk shit about all the other contestants. We're into that. His war on Johnny, which lasted the entire episode, was a great salvo to save himself. Too bad it may only work for another week or two.
• Eva Longoria-Parker: She was everything a guest judge should be: cute, funny, and insightful. She spoke to what she likes and since she has good taste we were down. She even cracked a joke or two. Maybe Nina didn't show up because she was jealous.
• Shirin's Noises: Now that some of the dead weight has been dropped like a model's skirt at an open casting call, we get some of these silly little interludes about the designers, like last night's where Shirin made some crazy noises and everyone rolled their eyes at each other. We can't wait for the one where Logan spends 20 minutes in front of the mirror shirtless trying to figure out just how sexy he is.
• Tim Gunn Rules: Grandpa Gunn calling out Johnny's lie was awesome. If even the mentor thinks you're a crazy whack-a-doo, you might as well just pack up your belongings and go directly to jail, do not pass the Macy's Accessory Wall, do not collect $200 to use on drugs. Also, if you missed the Tim Gunn comic book you need to check it out.

So, in the end, it was pant-on-fire Johnny who went home, but not after much indignity of being sneered at by the polygraph detectors of Grandpa Gunn; the death panel of an Old Joker, a Vice Principal, and Gabby from Desperate Housewives; and tubby Kurt Cobain. Can't say we're sorry to see you and your $4 Tibetan necklace go home.

What we are sorry about was the uneven judging. Only one of our favorite dresses—the architectural genius from Our Girl Althea—made it to the top three. In our opinion, dreamboat Logan, with his asymettrical color doodle, should have been up there along with Kenley Jr., with her unique minidress that made the model look like she was drowning in a pit of thread spools. Also capable was Carol Hannah's crumpled gown and silent Epperson's kimono-inspired design. But no, it was Shirin Irina and her fake fur collared overcoat that took the day. Yeah, we liked it, but it was a little too literal. Then again, newspapers are about just the facts, ma'am.

For someone who doesn't know anything about facts or design, let's take a look at Johnny's meltdown. To the videos!

Shit Talking
Context: The show starts and Irina and Johnny are already bad-mouthing the other designers.
Vision: That talking badly about others will make you a better designer. For winner Irina, it seems to work.
Delusion: That Johnny knows anything about good design. Not only does he say that eventually winner Irina sucks, but he also claims not to be nervous. Oh, you should be, honey.
What Would Nina Say?: Who cares. Replace her with Anne Slowey.
Dramometer: 6

Under the Gunn
Context: Tim Gunn sees a giant mess before him, and it is standing next to a dress covered in pig's blood and origami. After some harsh words (and some awesome laughter from Fat Kurt) Johnny scraps his dress. He later tells everyone the iron ruined it, but we see the truth, Johnny. We are like god!
Vision: That, yes, he should have spent more time working and less time on crosswords.
Delusion: That he has another decent creation in him.
What Would Nina Say?: Who cares. Replace her with Tina Brown.
Dramometer: 7

Runway Arrogance
Context: Chris watches his dress walk down the runway. We like it.
Vision: A hard bodice and fake paper feathers will wow the judges. He's right.
Delusion: That those really look like any feathers other than the plumage a six year old makes to put on a turkey for a Thanksgiving project in art class. Otherwise, good job.
What Would Nina Say?: Who cares. Replace her with Bonnie Fuller.
Dramometer: 2

Back Talk
Context: In a final effort to save himself, Nicolas lets the judges know that Johnny is lying about making a fierce dress. Who would you believe? Pleasantly Plump Kurt or a Hot Tranny Meth?
Vision: That calling Nicolas a jerk is going to make the judges think he's telling the truth.
Delusion: This whole story is a delusion!
What Would Nina Say?: Who cares. Replace her with Anna Wintour.
Dramometer: 7

Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged
Context: Tommy Hilfiger figures out that Johnny is a liar with his story that a water-spurting iron ruined his first dress. He has some wits about him, that Tommy Hilfiger. Heidi tries to second his emotion, but Eva swats her down with a well-placed quip.
Vision: That Tommy Hilfiger does not iron.
Delusion: None. Tommy Hilfiger does not iron. We bet he doesn't even design that much anymore either.
What Would Nina Say?: Who cares. Replace her with a trained monkey with a blond wig and a bad attitude.
Dramometer: 4

The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway

PR: I have some explaining to do. [laughs]...Yeah, that was tough, that was a tough moment in my life.

Capone: Was it tough at the moment, or was it only tough after?

PR: It was tough…it got tougher…you know, I feel a little asshole-ish doggin’ it, because the guy [Jeff Lowell] who wrote and directed it is a great guy and naturally a very funny guy…I went into it thinking that it might be a little different take than it really was...I get it that the whole ‘dead coming back’ is right there under the ‘personality switching’ food chain of movie crapdom. I get that now.

...I’ve certainly done some clunkers, for sure. And, I take it really hard. It really bums me out. And, that one…I got kind of depressed when it came out, in all honesty...And, I think, I maybe was not the best choice. And, I also was not very good in it. So, I take responsibility for how kind of crummy I was in that, but you know…

Capone: [Laughs] You didn’t stand out as being the crummiest thing.

PR: Well, it’s a tough…it seemed like a movie, like…When I watched it, I thought, They don’t really make movies like this anymore. It seems like this was from 1984, you know?

Rudd goes on to say that the film wasn't simply a paycheck gig for him, though we certainly hope he was well-compensated to fill out a billing block that could boast little besides Longoria Parker and Jason Biggs. Perhaps he truly did believe in the writer/director, but we think it's more likely that he simply couldn't withstand Longoria Parker's unique brand of flattery/coercion: "Jesus! We want you in this movie! Be nice. FUCK!"

• Capone chats with one of his ROLE MODELS—the lovely and talented Paul Rudd!!! [AICN]

Boomp3.com

Before proceeding down the red carpet at a charity event, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria Parker checked in with her closest associates for a bit of last minute advice. While the advice was inaudible to the normal human ear, a body language expert felt that the close associate weren’t dispensing any form of advice, but a quick boost of confidence. The expert said, “The left one said something about being really awesome while the right spoke about how they’re really workin’ it tonight.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]

As he sits on the couch next to guest Eva Longoria Parker, a misheard reference to PETA sends the comedian on a tangent that splashes the audience with sexual offers they've likely never contemplated before bedtime. Bold talk when delivered to a Desperate Housewife, Russell, but we're reserving your comedy credibility until you introduce Miley Cyrus to the concept of a Dutch Oven during this weekend's VMAs.

• The Tonight Show

After filming a scene for the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria Parker took out a stack of bills and began to count out loud at a very high volume. One crewmember asked if Longoria Parker was going to practice her stealth tipping skills, but the popular actress said that her husband is the undercover tipper in their relationship. Another crewmember thought that Longoria Parker might be headed to the Spearmint Rhino to make it rain. Longoria shook her head and said, "Wrong. All wrong. It's my snack money for when I see Pineapple Express at the Americana tonight, dudes. Skittles and James Franco, crazy delicious!"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

The salad may provide me with enough energy to last rest of today's filming. But, my Blackberry is my Blackberry and I can talk to my husband. The salad is healthy and may be delicious; I think it's a chicken salad of some kind. But, I can talk to all of my friends and see what they're up to. I could find out if Ryan Seacrest really sleeps with his Blackberry under his pillow. I mean, I could do both, but my one handed typing skills are not as strong as I'd like them to be. Tony is good at it, though. Maybe he can teach me. I should message him about that. I think I'm going to do both because they take away my Blackberry as soon as I get within 5 feet of the set.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

After being dropped off in Inglewood for the Coldplay concert, Eva Longoria Parker and husband Tony Parker checked their respective messages on their new iPhones. Yet the twosome became so enchanted with their new phones that they missed the concert altogether. Longoria Parker had noticed that they missed the show when the car service came back to pick them up. The driver asked if they enjoyed the concert after pulling up, but Longoria Parker thought that the man had just dropped them off. The Over Her Dead Body star realized that they had been spending all their time on their phones. Longoria asked if her husband knew that they had missed the concert, but Parker said that he had been watching Coldplay videos on YouTube; so, it was similar to being at the concert, only minus the spilt beer smell.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

After watching her husband suffer a crushing loss at the hands of Los Angeles Lakers, Eva Longoria-Parker, wife of San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, decided to work out her feelings of disappointment and frustration. Longoria-Parker told her friends that she was mostly upset because "of all the games I could've gone to this season , I had to pick the one where he loses." A friend mentioned that it would've been awesome cross promotion for the first post strike episode of Desperate Housewives if Tony had won. Longoria-Parker then held her Barneys bag and smiled, "This makes everything all right though. Now, let's get some margaritas!"

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

boomp3.com

FH: "The kids have got me burning the candle at both ends. It's either they want this or they want that and it always changing. We hate cupcakes. No, we love cupcakes. You know, make up your mind about what kind of treats you want to bring in for your class on your birthday, already? And Bill is no help either. He's been in a funk ever since the Coen Brothers stopped returning his calls. I always tell him that sure they might be geniuses, but they're still creepy. The Coens don't have the market cornered on being creepy geniuses. Then there's my agent. This effin guy keeps on hounding me to do this Zac Efron movie. It's a nice payday, but it doesn't challenge me as an actor. I want to be challenged with my craft. I was nominated for an Oscar! Uff. I don't know anymore, Eva. I really don't know."

ELP: "Hey, do you think they still have those big chocolate chip cookies over at craft services? You know, the ones that sort of like a Mrs. Fields cookie?"

[Photo Credit: INF]