Gawker Media has not yet received the official court filing, so no one here is able to respond in full. Our overlord Nick Denton, however, filed this very to the point retort on on his twitter feed:

To quote the great Marty Singer — Eric Dane's lawyer — if you don't want a sex tape on the internet, "don't make one!"

We are as anxious as anyone to see what the happy pair allege, so we'll share with you what we know, when we know it, but for now, feel free to take a trip down memory lane to the video that started it all.

Tonight and tomorrow E! News will air a two-part interview with the former Miss Teen USA where she denies that she worked as a prostitue, that she had sex with either Dane or Gayheart and that she is the one who leaked the video. "If I was going to leak it, I would have done that a long time ago," she confesses. "If someone else was going to leak it they would have done it a long time ago…I would never leak this tape."

Of course, she also says that she was abused and molested as a child. Oh, isn't that the way these things always end up. And she's going to write a book (we told you!).

Dane and Gayheart aren't trying to cash in like their pruney-fingered pal. Neither have spoken to the press since their tape became public knowledge and the pair took off for Santa Barbara's San Ysidro Ranch, hoping that that paparazzi wouldn't follow. Of course that didn't work out so well.

You might be familiar with source number one: it's Mark Ebner, the Hollywood, Interruped writer who helped us report on the original item. Ebner notes:

"Kari Ann said that, unlike Nici, she'd only take 40% of what a girl brought in," recalls Ebner, adding that Peniche admitted having turned tricks herself. (Another source says Peniche once joked, "I've gone from labor to management.")

The NLRB would be proud. Source number two is onetime Roger Clemens fling, Peniche's Celebrity Rehab roommate, and general hot mess: Ms. Mindy McCready.

"Did she say she'd been a madam?" says McCready. "She sure did."

Now: McCready's been accused of stealing the tape, is a home-wrecker, a supposedly reformed addict, and is basically the female David Allen Coe, so take her word with those things in mind.

Our third contestant on "How Much Of A Hooker Is The McSteamy Threesome's Third Wheel?" is Joey Gonzalez, a bodyguard. Gonzalez asserts that Peniche hired him to trail a hooker who was going in on her territory.

"Kari Ann wanted to hire me to follow a girl who worked for her - who she said was skimming money and stealing clients. I declined. But she bragged about how her girls could make $15,000 a month. She introduced me to one girl who told me she'd just gotten a boob job Kari Ann had paid for."

See, now we have a ballgame. Three's a trend, is it? Even with the inherently sketchy nature of the people involved (an investigative reporter, a trainwreck country singer, a Hollywood bodyguard), really, only one of them has anything to gain by this kind of thing — Ebner — and Ebner's been right plenty of times before. The other two? Maybe McCready can sell a few more records, get her name out there more by putting herself into the narrative of this thing, but is this the best way to sell a country record? (Don't answer that.) As far as the bodyguard goes, maybe Gonzalez is trying to drum up some business for himself, though really, who in Hollywood wants a bodyguard who's ratting out potential clients?

The best, of course, comes from Peniche's own putz manager, who throws this Blue Ribbon, hack statement to the Daily News:

Peniche and her manager, David Weintraub, declined to comment on any of the charges, though Weintraub allowed, "I don't know her whole past."

Really, though? You couldn't have just said nothing? The way things are going, Weintraub isn't going to have much to manage unless he's okay with making trips to the pen, soon. Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart have already lawyered up, to distance themselves from allegations of paying for sex, or the company of Peniche. Might be time for her, to, as well. She might be enjoying her time in the spotlight, but there's really no amount of infamy that's worth going to prison for.

The president of bluCigs - a company making smokeless, "electronic" cigarettes (we would hazard a guess) could be seen in Dane's Anatomy - has issued a PR statement on his company's, ha ha, disputed involvement in the now infamous ménage a trois of gettin' high and splashin' around. Now, you're the president of a company trying to corner an obscure market of non-smoking smokers that's now maybe involved in a smokin' hot sex tape.

So: did he make the push? Hell yeah, he did.

"Our client records are confidential. We respect the privacy of all our clients, not only high profile ones."

Nicely played, Jason Healy of BluCigs! The non-denial denial that neither rats out your clients nor squashes your product's potential plug. Furthermore, Healy goes servicey on us:

"In response to whether an electronic cigarette such as blu is safe for use in a bathtub, Healy said, "While we would not recommend use in an environment like that, there's no problem if it were dropped in the water. It would have to be dried out sufficiently before using again."

Healy's product is family friendly, as in, he doesn't recommend it for use in drug-binge laden, blue-balling threesomes! Furthermore, this thing is the hotness, and they don't even need the publicity!

"Blu has only been on the market for a few months but the demand has been so overwhelming that we've really been trying to stay out of the news," said Healy. "While I'm not saying it is our product, it would've have been better for us, if not Ms. Gayheart and Mr. Dane as well, if this tape hadn't come out."

Yes! For a publicist with an AOL address, expertly handled: celebrity friendly promotion while basically managing to completely insinuate that, yes, maybe it's their product, and further more, you can use it in splashy sex tapes. Hooray for sex tapes, the economy, and The World's Best Electronic Cigarette©.

According to Page Six, the former Miss Teen USA and possible Hollywood madam, walked right up to Chambers (who plays Dr. Alex Karev) at a party in L.A. Problem is, even after all the kerfuffle, he had no clue who she was. Harsh. And this was on Tuesday, the day after the hot tub adventure went public.

Damn, we give it a month before she's somewhere in Hollywood knocking over tables and screaming, "Don't you know who I am? I was the other girl in the McSteamy tape!"

Speaking of McSteamy, he was snapped by the paparazzi yesterday, reportedly leaving the doctor's office. What could he be doing there? Probably research for his role. Yeah, that's it. No checkup needed.

We put the original tape up Monday afternoon. The tabs all go to press on Monday night so they can be out on the stands for Wednesday, so there were plenty of harried reporters working their Blackberries trying to get these stories together.

Of course, we've been waiting all day to run out and see just how they were going to handle this mess. The answer: some well, some horribly. Except with the people at People, they seemed to have dropped the ball altogether (or just don't give a fuck).

So this is how we handled the story. Take a look at how everyone else did, we judged them based on the size of the story, it's placement, if they got the details right, what additional reportage they did, and, of course, whether or not we got the credit for bringing the world one more piece of naked celebrity detritus.

Magazine: Us Weekly
Headline: McSteamy's Sex Tape Scandal
Page: 56
Size: Full spread
Details: Us leads the mood on the set of Grey's Anatomy (understandably tense) on the day the video went online. Gives a recap of the movie followed by a look into how it went public. Talks to Peniche's mother, who denies her daughter leaked the tape for some quick fame. Includes a "Who is Kari Anne Peniche?" sidebar.
Our Due?: We're mentioned by name and there are screencaps with our watermark.
Grade: A

Magazine: In Touch Weekly
Headline: Can Their Marriage Survive?
Page: 48
Size: Full spread
Details: Talks to a "friend" of Rebecca who says, "she wishes it had not happened." Duh. An "insider" says this was not their first threeway (PS—If threeways are involved, it doesn't seem like their marriage is in too much trouble). The rest of the article focuses on how Gayheart's hit-and-run accident affect her and how a prior picture leak made her "emotionally fragile." Includes a "Who is the Other Woman?" sidebar.
Our Due?: Screen caps with our logo, but no mention by name.
Grade: B+

Magazine: Star
Headline: Rub-a-Dub-Dub...Three in a Tub
Page: 39
Size: Full Page
Details: Basically just a recap of the video. However, an "insider" says that Dane was told by Grey's to clean up his partying ways "and this tape proves he hasn't done that."
Our Due?: Mentions both Gawker and Defamer by name with screen caps baring both logos. Double word score!
Grade: C

Magazine: Life & Style
Headline: Grey's Star's Shocking Sex Tape
Page: 39
Size: Third of a page
Details: A recap of the video along with a description of Peniche, and the statement from Dane and Gayheart's lawyer. There is a nice picture of Dane and a topless Gayheart
Our Due?: No mention.
Grade: F

First of all, we found the dress that Gayheart wears (briefly) at the the beginning of the movie. It's a Halloween costume called the "Support Our Troops Sexy Halloween Costume." Well, don't you worry, there is no sexy here!

As for Dane's pornstar name, Cocaine Manor, that could be true. There really is a Manor Drive in San Carlos, California, which is right near where he graduated from high school. Still no explanation on how he ended up with a dog named cocaine.

Thanks to some of the commenters, we gave a closer look to minute 2:54, where a random table is on view for a few seconds (sideways, natch). What is on the table? Another camera (ha!), a vase, a pack of cigs, a wineglass a candle, and something that looks suspiciously like a pipe. It's on the right, and it has a cylindrical shaft and a bulbous head. But it appears to be resting on something, so it's either inactive (you ever put a recently used pipe on something? Disaster usually ensues) or, you know, something else.

More suspicious is the cigarette that Gayheart and Peniche are smoking starting about 1:25. They both hold onto it for quite a bit of time, but no smoke is coming off it and it doesn't appear to get getting even smaller. Also, the tip seems to be glowing blue. Is it just not lit, or is it a "magic cigarette?" Or maybe it's one of these?

We caused an internet sensation yesterday after posting the video of Peniche romping naked with the Grey's Anatomy star and his former Noxzema girl wife, apparently in some sort of altered state. While Dane and Gayheart aren't talking (though their lawyer is!), Peniche hasn't shied away from the spotlight. TMZ has a video of her denying she had sex with the famous couple — they were just hanging out naked, y'all! — and saying the she was "just having fun with my friends." Oh, it looks like they're having fun, alright!

Also, when the cameraman asks if she's going to sue her former roommate and fellow Celebrity Rehab patient, Mindy McCready, she laughs it off. It's just another night out for Peniche! This impromptu interview contradicts an earlier story on the gossip website, which claims Peniche said that the footage was stolen off her laptop by McCready.

Kari Ann says she got into an argument with McCready over money and believes the singer took her hard drive when she moved out. Kari Ann freaked out about certain personal information about her on the hard drive and filed a stolen property report with the LAPD.

Last month there was a summit between Eric, Rebecca, Kari Ann and Mindy. Their reps hammered out a deal as to who got what on the hard drive. Eric got full rights to the video and everyone assumed that was that ... until the tape surfaced on the Internet yesterday.

So, where does Kari go from here? Her name will be in the press for a couple weeks until the heat from the tape wears off. Assuming that the LAPD doesn't nab her — though they're trying — there are only a few tried-and-true post-sex-tape career options. Rule out legit film or television work right off the bat. She's already done Playboy and a D-List reality show, so it's not like she can give those another go-round. Porn is always an option, but there is no coming back from that. Maybe a tell-all book, but that's only if she's willing to dish on celebrities and talk about her work as a Hollywood madam—but even then there will be no teary repentance on Oprah (maybe Tyra, but not Oprah).

Otherwise, she can get ready for a slow fade into obscurity as "the girl in the sex tape with Eric Dane and Noxema girl."

[The above video is NSFW for T&A. Our filthy-minded comrades at Fleshbot will be posting an uncensored version for those of you who want a gander at McSteamy's intsruments. Update: It's up. Go forth and review! ]

In the video (which we edited down from a 12-minute original), we see the apparently inebriated threesome — at one point Gayheart says she needs to lay down because she's so high — lounging au naturel in the fallen beauty queen's Studio City apartment, passing around the camera and, for giggles, discussing what their porn names should be. Dane settles on "Tuff Hedemen" (his favorite champion bull rider). Soon the threesome move to the bathroom where the two ladies disrobe and get into a jacuzzi tub while Dane takes over the camera duties.

The line between Hollywood success and failure is razor thin. The acting couple (the married in 2004) may not be at the pinnacle of the Hollywood talent heap, but they're about as successful as they could have hoped in their teenage years. Oh, and they're hoping to start a family! Dane, 36, moved to L.A. in his teens, landing bit parts in early 1990s TV shows like Saved by the Bell and The Wonder Years, palling around the Hollywood club scene (once dated Lara Flynn Boyle!) before winning stardom in Grey's Anatomy. Gayheart, 38, had her first big break in 1992 as the Noxzema Girl, and aside from accidentally killing a teenager crossing the street, she's made a career of film and TV roles here and there.

Peniche, 25, probably had a similar future in mind when she was crowned Miss Teen USA in 2002, but it wasn't to be. She was stripped of her crown for posing in Playboy (NSFW link). Peniche tried to leverage the controversy into a career, and knocked around on the Hollywood Z-list for a while. She got engaged to Backstreet Boy Nick Aaron Carter for a minute. There were a handful of TV and film roles, but lately, a source in Hollywood tells us, she's ended up working as a madam, working the Hollywood club scene as "Tristan Bailey." Her m.o.: When horny club dudes would hit on her, she'd tell them she was seeing someone…but, she could hook them up with someone who knew some smokin' hotties-for-hire. The dudes would then be redirected back to her service, and she'd occasionally turn a trick herself.

Recently she was thrown off Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab (where she was being treated for sex addiction) amidst back-and-forth accusations that she punched out a cameraman, entertained unsavory drug dealer types at the Sun Valley sober house, and stole money and personal belongings from her roommate, country singer Mindy McCready. As of late July, the Hollywood vice squad got a hold of Peniche's client list and the above video, which Peniche herself had been showing around to friends. The most damning part segment: Peniche lying topless in bed reading off a credit card into a phone. (Or maybe she's just ordering out?) Here's the evidence receipt, with the identities of the cops and the person who turned it over blurred out.

Oh, and a fun fact: This isnt't the first time Gayheart's been seen naked and high in a hot tub. This past June, the National Enquirer printed a 2003 photo of her in a bathtub with an unidentified woman and a crack pipe. As Dane comments while his wife gets naked with another woman again, he pays Peniche, who's facing a criminal investigation while they are not, a back-handed compliment: "You're, like, a good hang. I see you on the street tomorrow, you're one of Rebecca's friends."

Update: Dane and Gayheart's adorable lawyer Marty Singer hasn't sent us any legal threats yet, but he did get on the phone with TMZ to issue a threat against, well, us because the tape is "private, confidential." I haven't heard from him but you do have to chuckle when a man speaks of what he knows:

"From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape." Singer added, "At most it's 3 people maybe wanting to have sex."

Oh, and look, his take-down request just arrived. Let me go read it.

With reporting by Mark Ebner.

Much like Patrick Dempsey before him, who left his thoughts on the Grey's gaywashing unspoken but clearly evident, Dane told DeGeneres that he couldn't confirm reports that Heigl and T.R. Knight will be leaving at the end of the season. That came, however, after Dane bored his eyes into DeGeneres's very soul for a long, silent, uncomfortable moment, hoping to telepathically convey the information, "Yes! Finally, time for the Danester to move up on the call sheet...#6, here I come!" Sadly, his extended stare at DeGeneres was construed by ABC brass to be indicative of lesbian leanings, and after he left the pipe-busting Ellen set, he was summarily fired.

• Ellen

In today's installment: Ryan Seacrest, Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel (twice!), Michael Keaton, Adrian Grenier, Calista Flockhart, Lorne Michaels, John Krasinski, Amanda Bynes, Florence Henderson, Balthazar Getty, Eric Dane, Channing Tatum (twice!), JC Chasez, Katherine McPhee, David Boreanz, Kevin and AJ from the Backstreet Boys, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kevin Garnett, Sam Cassell, Hailey Duff, Samantha Mathis, Dave Navarro, Wayne Brady, Charlie Day, Mary Elizabeth Ellis and more!

FRIDAY, JULY 11

· CHANNING TATUM at Fitness Factory on Santa Monica and La Peer. Kind of pudgy and looking like an extra from 8 Mile. Don't understand the heartthrob status at all.

· Saw KEVIN RICHARDSON from the Backstreet Boys at Lucky Devils on Hollywood Blvd on Friday night with three blonds and another guy. While eating, AJ from BSB spotted him from the street and came in to say hello. What are the odds? Kevin looked the exact same, AJ was much more bearded than I remember.

SATURDAY, JULY 12

· Saw JOHN KRASINSKI at Animal on Fairfax. He was wearing a ball cap indoors and was very unshaven, like a couple more days and you have to call that thing a beard. I don't think he arrived with anyone and didn't seem like he was particularly chatting up any of the ladies at his table; I think it was a birthday party and he knew one or two people there already.

SUNDAY, JULY 13

· At the Arc Light Sherman Oaks for Wall-E (yes, I like to see all summer movies, but only after waiting a few weeks; an August Dark Knight screening is already planned) when I saw KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR, as did everyone else in a 500-yard radius. Intellectually, I knew that he's over seven feet, but until you see it in person, you just don't know how tall that is. He was friendly and seemed to be chatting with a couple random fans.

· Saw SAMANTHA MATHIS with a friend @ Figaro on Sunday afternoon. So cute with not a drop of makeup on.

MONDAY, JULY 14

· Stopped at a light in Sunset Plaza, glanced to the right and saw JAMES WOODS sitting at an outdoor table at Cafe Med. Unfortunately he was with another guy and not engaged in any provocative James Woods behavior like canoodling with a twentysomething or holding up his I.Q. score or M.I.T. diploma. Rather, he was just behaving like a normal citizen, albeit one who sits where all the tourists, not to mention tetchy locals like me, will spot him.

TUESDAY, JULY 15

· Saw RYAN SEACREST Tuesday night at the Coldplay show. Posed for photos with fans and seemed really nice.

· Almost ran over Punky Brewster (SOLEIL MOON FRYE) and hubby at the Beachwood Market. They were standing in the middle of the street. Girlfriend lost the pregnancy pounds fast.

· Just saw ADRIAN GRENIER making out with some model looking chick outside Joe's in Venice on Abbot Kinney. He had her pushed up against a wall and they were all over each other. Couldn't hear if he asked her if he could F the S out of her, but it kinda looked like he was trying to do that against the building. Even when I yelled "Get a room," Vinnie didn't even look up. I should have sprayed him with a hose......

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16

· Spotted JC CHASEZ at the Grove movie theatre, accompanied by a shorter, Filipino-looking woman, and a little boy who appeared to be her son. JC was sporting a black baseball cap and black shorts, and interacted with the boy in a cute, fun uncle way. He was squatting down so they could chat, and I overheard him telling the kid in a "hey, did you know" type voice, that his friend so-and-so choreographed the dance for (insert nameless piece of children's entertainment that may or may not have impressed the boy). Identity = confirmed. Bonus points for friendly interaction with children.

· While waiting to board my flight back to LA at the Seattle airport on 7/16, I saw CALISTA FLOCKHART with her son getting in line. She was very petite and dressed down for comfort. No sign of Indiana Jones.

THURSDAY, JULY 17

· KATHERINE MCPHEE looking amazingly cute at Fitness Factory. Also, DAVID BOREANZ. Good haircut.

· I saw MICHAEL KEATON chatting and smiling with some hot 40-something blonde while he ate outside at Amelia's on Main in Santa Monica; they seemed friendly and focused on his NY Times. I see him there often and he usually looks old, rundown, and bitter. I was surprised to see him looking fit and kinda hot. Turns out the blonde had two young sons, who were inside, she left once she got her latte, so they weren't together.

· At the Jason Falkner show @ Spaceland, one tall, friendly-eyed RYAN GOSLING. Good taste in music, very good chest.

FRIDAY, JULY 18

· Last night, 7-8 pm, saw CHANNING TATUM with his Personal Trainer at The Fitness Factory in West Hollywood.

· Ballers KEVIN GARNETT and SAM CASSELL scheming on some LA hos at Caffe Primo.

· HAILEY DUFF with a boyfriend (?) waiting for her breakfast at Aroma Cafe in Studio City.

SATURDAY, JULY 19

· AMANDA BYNES having breakfast with two friends at Jumpin' Java in Studio City. Her friends barely got any words in, she didn't stop talking.

· In line at the Arclight, I saw CHARLIE DAY and MARY ELIZABETH ELLIS - aka Charlie and The Waitress from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. A nice culty sighting. I half stepped out of line and went "STOP. I AM A HUGE FAN" much to the confusion of nearby Arclight patrons.

· My friends saw BOB SAGET at GLOW. Hell yeah.

· ERIC DANE and BALTHAZAR GETTY were meeting for a late lunch at King's Road Cafe. Both wearing shades, smoking, talking and looking rather stone-faced. Balt looked over his shoulder a few times, seemed a little paranoid, smoked more than his companion — whose appeal I still don't understand. They left the table at one point to check out the news stand, returned with nothing, and I can only hope that Balt used it as an opportunity to show Eric his latest vacation pics.

· DAVE NAVARRO and two hotties at El Coyote last night for drinks.

SUNDAY, JULY 20

· After the Feist/Sharon Jones show at the Hollywood Bowl, we were delighted to see FLORENCE HENDERSON boarding our shuttle. We tittered too much about this and the two middled aged ladies behind us told us to mind our manners.

· JESSICA BIEL at City Bakery at the Brentwood Country Mart. Looks exactly like any paparazzi picture you've ever seen of her - pulled back hair, no makeup, angular face. She had on sweatpants, gladiator sandals, and the biggest purse I've ever seen in my life. She managed to somehow look sad, pissed, rushed, and confused, all at the same time. Bizarre.

· I was standing in the walkway between the super seats and the boxes at the hollywood bowl for Feist, and who should walk by me but JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE and JESSICA BIEL. Totally incognito. No one recognized them. Instead of turning to go down to the boxes, they turned up and walked about halfway up into the H section, scooted by everyone in their row, and sat down quietly. Totally normal people. It was kinda cool.

MONDAY, JULY 21

· LORNE MICHAELS enjoying a sandwich and fries at Campanile with Paramount's JOHN LESHER and some dude today. Bit of a belly on the Lornester. Lesher was rocking the Homer Simpson short-sleeves w/ tie look. Pasty white arms.

· WAYNE BRADY at Coldstone Creamery in Sherman Oaks.

NOT DATED

· ROMA MAFFIA (Dr. Liz from Nip/Tuck) in line at the Silver Lake Gelson's on a weekday afternoon, first week of July. Looked pleasant with a peaceful smile on her face, more vibrant than she appears on tv. Could have been the lipstick talking, as her make-up was more noticeable than what ladies typically wear for a midday trip to the grocery store.

[Photo Credit: Film Magic]

A waitress at the Feb. 7 party at New York club Socialista tested positive for hepatitis A, a source at the New York Board of Health confirms to Star.

"A report will go out tomorrow that everyone who was at the club at Feb. 7, 8 and 11 will need to be tested," says the source. Madonna, Kate Hudson, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, Liv Tyler, Gwyneth Paltrow, Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart celebrated with Ashton and his wife Demi Moore.

Other guests included Salma Hayek and her husband, Lake Bell, Molly Sims, Amy Smart, Ivanka Trump, Parker Posey, Ali Larter, stylist Rachel Zoe, and designer Roberto Cavalli.

We promise to bring you updates on the well-being of your favorite celebrities as we get them, and ask, at this difficult moment, that you save the lion's share of your prayers for two potential victims in particular: Having just overcome a cleanse-related bout of intestinal duress, and a very public battle with a malignant cold sore, we only ask God that the already compromised immune systems of unwitting attendees Paltrow and Dane not be further taxed by the potentially serious, fecal-matter-transmitted disease.

• HEALTH SCARE AT ASHTON'S BIRTHDAY [Star Magazine]

The malignancy was treated by freezing the cancerous tissue off with liquid nitrogen. Unfortunately for Eric, the actor had a severe reaction to a cream given to him for his lip after the treatment . "My skin is very sensitive," the actor most famous for playing Dr. Mark "McSteamy" Sloan, explains to OK!, "and my lip was traumatized by the procedure I had to go through."

His lip's overreaction to the medication created a painful scenario that made eating difficult, if not impossible. "I didn't eat very well for a couple of weeks and lost a bunch of weight," Eric explains, estimating that he dropped at least 10 pounds off his 6'1" frame while dealing with his cancer.

We shall keep our eyes trained on the supermarket checkout racks in weeks to come for status updates, and send Dane our heartfelt wishes for a speedy and lucrative recovery announcement in OK!. And again, we have to give thanks for life's little miracles: Not only for the work stoppage, which may have helped to save a hunky fake-doctor, but also for the absence of Isaiah Washington from the proceedings, who'd inevitably be threatened by his co-star's media coverage, eventually taking it out on him by loudly accusing Dane of being "a little mouth-cancery fa—ot" during a tense table read.

• Cover Story: Eric Dane's Fight Against Cancer [OK!]

Us
"Britney's Fight To Get Well." Before Britney went into the psych ward of Cedars Sinai, she wrote a note to "manager" Sam Lutfi, that read, "I love you, Sam. Are there people coming? Circle yes or no." Sam circled yes, and now she's in a cell. Apparently Britney's manic episodes had been increasing — when she put on her pink wig, that's when you knew it was getting bad. Also inside: Hayden Panettiere has yet to choose which Democratic candidate she'll support, but she did tell Chelsea Clinton she'll vote for whomever will help save the whales. Because there is no larger issue facing this country! There are four pages of Hillary Clinton critiquing her own outfits. Fun!
Grade: D- (fungal nail)
In Touch
"My Mom Slept With My Husband." Britney is on lithium and Seroquel to control her severe mood swings. But her paranoia has lead her to believe that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib. Lynne was always going to Kevin's to visit the kids, and Brit thinks that's when they shagged. Also inside: Michelle Williams thinks Mary-Kate Olsen is a part of Heath's downfall and wants nothing to do with her. Halle Berry is spending $1,350 a pop on 16 oz. La Mer skin cream so that she won't get stretch marks while she's pregnant. Good luck with that! Michael Jackson's kids were having an "especially" good time at a puppet show in Vegas, maybe because they never get out? Jackson, who is trying to make a comeback, was advised to "stop acting weird" so the kids no longer wear veils.
Grade: D (split nail with hangnail)
OK!
"My Fight Against Cancer." So Eric Dane's lips were weirdly chapped. He went to the dermatologist and found that it was malignant tissue from sun damage. He's going to be fine, but thinks everyone should wear SPF lip balm, basically. Also inside: Rihanna says, "I'm always alone on Valentine's day." Sob! John Mayer was spotted at an Equinox gym in New York where, says a source, he "did five minutes of the elliptical and then spent the next twenty minutes strutting around the gym, waiting for someone to talk to him." Kate Hudson says she can't wait to have more kids. Also, she denies ever making out with Justin Timberlake: "One, he has a girlfriend. Two: who makes out in a bar?" There's stuff about the battle over Britney: Sam Lutfi claims that as she was going into the hospital, Brit yelled, "My mom is banging my boyfriend!" Paranoia is a symptom of whatever she has, right? Jake Gyllenhaal is having trouble snapping out of the shock he's been in since hearing of Heath Ledger's death: He did not attend either of the two memorial services held in L.A.
Grade: C- (chewed-up nail)
Life & Style
"Shiloh's Scare." Is Shiloh in danger? Someone got to the doorstep of one of Angelina and Brad's homes and left a photo of Shiloh and a note that read, "We got this close already." By the end of 2008, Angie and Brad's security bill could hit $5 million. Also: Lauren Conrad got wasted on watermelon cucumber mojitos at a bar in L.A. on her 22nd birthday. Lo had to pull her into the car to prevent her from having a wardrobe malfunction. Preggers Jessica Alba has Earth Lodge boots, which have negative heels — wearing them is like walking on a treadmill! Heidi and Spencer were turned away from eating lunch at Il Pastaio in L.A. because Angelina Jolie was there with her kids and asked that the restaurant be closed until they finished. Maybe Heidi and Spencer got mad and left that "threat" on Angie's doorstep? Not everyone is into Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia's relationship: former Heroes actor Thomas Dekker, 20, says, "It's gross. It's like me dating a 12-year-old."
Grade: C (chipped nail)
Star
"Twisted Sisters." Unlike the other women in his life, Mary-Kate did not go to Heath's memorials. And speaking of the twin, sister Ashley hates her; her mood swings make her tough to be around. A former bodyguard says while the twins always want to go to the most popular clubs, they don't want anyone to look at them. Their bodyguards form a wall around them and follow them to the bathroom. And the girls love booze! An insider says, "MK and Ash can drink anybody under the table." Also inside: Jake Gyllenhaal has moved into Reese Witherspoon's home and likes to spend every moment with her. Jude Law and Sadie Frost might be back together: He seems to be around her house more now than when they were married, according to a source. Are Hayden and Milo on the rocks? Hayden, 18 wants to go clubbing; Milo, 30 likes to stay at home. Plus, now that they're not sneaking around, the thrill is gone. Michael Jackson's kids: Who's your daddy? "It would have to be a bizarre biological fluke if they had the same DNA," says a witness at the Luxor hotel. Debbie Rowe once claimed that the two kids were conceived via artificial insemination with sperm from an anonymous donor. Who could it be??? Colin Farrell's going to be the best man at his brother Eamon's gay wedding. In fact, Colin helped pick out the ring! Sweet. Mena Suvari got a huge tattoo on the back of her neck: a lion's head and the words "Word Sound Power." As for Britney: The singer is in psych-ward hell because her padded cell has no TV and she must be on her best behavior during cigarette breaks. Also, people in the ward scream at night and the food is not great. Meanwhile, her sister is Party Lynn Spears: She and Casey had some kind of sorority-girl filled Super Bowl bash. In addition, Nicole Richie is only consuming chicken broth on an extreme diet to get her post-baby body back. Except she cheats and has fatty foods, then starves herself as punishment. She wants to lose 20 lbs. in 20 days to keep her baby daddy happy. Angelina and Brad are not done having children, and Maddox loves it: He sees more kids as more playmates, soldiers for his army. The couple may adopt an African baby or black kid from New Orleans to "balance" the family. (So Zahara doesn't feel left out?) Also: They might name the twins Jesse (like Brad played Jesse James?) and Marcheline (Angie's mom.)
Grade: B- (DIY manicure)