This YouTube video came via a tipster who writes, "Hi; I'm not sure how this works, but I got this footage from the set of Entourage the other day. Matt Damon was directing a PSA starring Adrian Grenier and he flips out on Adrian in front of everyone! [It] even shows Jeremy Piven as he tries to keep the peace - but Matt totally loses his cool and goes off."

We, on the other hand, are pretty sure how this works: Have a Hollywood star do a cameo playing himself on your Hollywood-focused TV show so he can promote his charity, incorporate an ego-driven blow-up on the set of a PSA into the plot, make a fun, shaky little video of said blow-up, put it on YouTube, and send it to gullible blogs claiming that it depicts a real on-set blow-up, which blogs will write about it and drive traffic to it in advance of the show's season finale featuring the Hollywood star.

What the hell, we'll bite. It's Friday. Also, go give money to OneXOne.org, because it looks like a fine little shop. But whatever you do, please stop watching Entourage.

Okay, so Entourage has been compared to Sex and the City in a great many places, most notably Entertainment Weekly and Slate. But when you really examine the text, you can see that some themes have definitely been recycled.

Sunday night's episode "Murphy's Lie" continued to play into the themes established by the SATC foursome. Listen to the guys discuss Eric's little slip up:

Or Eric channeling Charlotte as he tries to prevent breaking up with his current girlfriend while still pining for his ex:

I understand that the testosterone soaked words and visuals can obscure the nature of the text. So I pulled two random scenes for this season and subbed in the different characters. It works almost a bit too well.

[General Scene Changes: Charlotte has Eric's lines, Samantha has Drama's lines, Miranda has Turtle's lines, and Vince has Carrie's. I left the name Sloan is because it's unisex. All references to she have been changed to he, and pussy was replaced with dick. Other than that, the script is as it plays.]

Charlotte (E): How pathetic are you guys?

Samantha (D): Pathetic? Us? Who tells a first date that they love [him]?

Charlotte (E): Aw, yeah right, I told [him] I loved [him].

Miranda (T): You looked like you were going to tell [him] you loved [him].

Samantha (D): My point exactly.

Charlotte (E): Whatever.

Carrie (V): Aww, [Char], [they're] are just bitter because you're on a hot streak.

Charlotte (E): Thanks [Carrie].

Samantha (D): The girl's got more [dick] the last month than the previous 29 years. I wouldn't call it a hot streak, I would call it entering the twilight zone.

Miranda (T): That's what being a successful [gallery] manager does for ya.

Samantha (D): So you're saying it has nothing to do with [her], just the business card.

Miranda (T): Yup.

Samantha (D): Ah. Now I get it.

Miranda (T): So you've been banging all these dates, [Charlotte]?

Samantha (D): [S] he [w]on't bang ‘em that quickly. [Charlotte] needs to be wined and dined for at least a month.

Carrie (V): No, no, no, I think I heard banging last night. Was there banging[Charlotte] ?

Miranda (T): Well, was there banging?

Charlotte (E): Can we talk about important stuff, please?

Carrie (V): So how's Sloan?

Charlotte (E): What do you mean?

Carrie (V): I mean, how is [he]?

Charlotte (E): Oh, [he's] good.

Carrie (V): Was that a weird question?

Charlotte (E): No.

Carrie (V): Because you sure answered it kind of weird.

Charlotte (E): Did I?

Carrie (V): Yeah, didn't [s]he?

Miranda (T): Yeah.

Samantha (D): Kind of weird.

Miranda (T): You're getting back together with Sloan?

Charlotte (E): No.

Miranda (T): After one cup of coffee?

Charlotte (E): No!

Samantha (D): You're back in love with Sloan?

Miranda (T): One cup of coffee is all it takes with this [girl]!

Charlotte (E): It was a friendly meeting!

Miranda (T): Ah.

Carrie (V): A meeting.

Miranda (T): A meeting that [he] called for!

Samantha (D): It's all the [guys] [she's] been getting. [Dick] can smell other [dick] and then they have to pounce on it. That's why when you're on a hot streak, you have to press it like blackjack.

Miranda (T): Are you pressing it with Sloan, [Charlotte]?

Charlotte [E): Forget it, I'm done with this conversation.

Next Time: The Entourage Boys Take on the Sex and the City Script!

Related: Extended Fourplay [Entertainment Weekly]
It's A Guy Thing [Slate]

According to a tipster, a meeting was called on Monday at the New York offices of William Morris Endeavor where Cara Stein, COO of WME-NY, informed agency assistants, most of whom came from William Morris in the merger with Endeavor, that their salaries are being slashed drastically, some down to $10 an hour. A rumor that such a thing might be happening was floated last month. Now it's been confirmed.

Calling the move a "cost-cutting measure to keep costs under control," Stein laid out the new pre-tax, seniority-based compensation rates for agent's assistants:

Employed at WME less than 1 year - $10/hr

Employed at WME 1-2 years - $11/hr

Employed at WME 2-3 years - $12/hr

Employed at WME 3 years or more - capped at $14 hour.

We're told that prior to the merger with Endeavor, newly hired assistants at William Morris were making $13 an hour and up. Additionally, Stein informed the assistants that they'll be forced to work a mandatory 50 hour work week from here on out. No word on whether or not the firm will set up a "good assistant" bonus prize ala Conde Nast.

Not receiving pay cuts: Assistants in the music and personal appearance departments. Our tipster speculates that Ari Emanuel doesn't want to do anything to ruffle the feathers of the heads of these departments as they're generating tremendous revenue for the company at this point.

Speaking of Ari, we wonder if he and his WME co-CEOs, Patrick Whitesell and Dave Wirtschafter, will be taking pay cuts like the little people to help the company's bottom line. If you've any insight into this, feel free to pass it along to us. Your confidentiality will be held sacred.

Coffee-voiced Javier Bardem is in talks to join Julia Roberts in the movie adaptation of Eat, Pray, Spend a Lot of Money, Love, Moralize to Poorer Women About Going on Ashrams, Be Treated as Demigod by Oprah. He'd play Roberts' love interest, because in the end of that story the pretty rich lady yes, of course, lands a new man. [Variety]

Good morning, you are old. Malcolm in the Middle, Fox's manic comedy about two frazzled parents and their hellion sons, will be airing on Nick at Nite soon. Which is like hearing 'NSYNC on an oldies station. [Variety]

Neil Patrick Harris, who further endeared with his successful hosting gig at last night's Tonys, has landed two movies. First he'll play chillaxed husband to Bonnie Somerville's crazed wife in The Best and Brightest, about a humble couple who moves to the Upper East Side to get their kids into fancy kindergartens. John Hodgman, Kate Mulgrew, and Amy Sedaris will costar. Then he'll play a blind tutor in that Beastly movie, about a cute kid who gets turned ugly by Michelle Tanner. [THR]

Masi Oka, that novelty act from Heroes, may have a new life as a producer. He successfully pitched his project The Defenders to DreamWorks, where it will be steered by Alex Kurtzman and Robert Orci (of Star Trek) and directed by rising star DJ Caruso. The pic is about kids from all around the world who play an online role playing game and don't know each other outside the confines of the intercybercomputer, but when real-life disaster strikes, they must band together and actually talk in person and maybe, hopefully, touch boobs and stuff. [THR]

USA's new irksome-looking series Royal Pains did solid numbers on its premiere night, dragging in 5.3 million viewers. That number is higher than the premieres of other USA hits like In Plain Sight and Burn Notice: The Show Everyone Tells Everyone Else to Watch. [Variety]

Scott Caan and the never-quite-got-there-but-maybe-someday William Fichtner will both do several episodes of HBO's Entourage, a show that needs—please God, please—to be put to bed immediately. Because it's becoming Arli$$. [THR]

Lady screenwriters? Just a thought: If you don't want people to fixate on your sexuality maybe don't blurt out to a Times writer, "We've all seen each other naked."

Or call your drunken limousine rides "super porno."

But having talked about your work on a would-be series called Sluts, and having dubbed yourselves "The Fempire," it sounded a bit disingenuous when you all complained about "pressure to look photogenic in a way that is not demanded of male screenwriters."

That's surely true of the Femperors. But these aren't hermit screenwriters, hunkered down in Los Angeles apartments, avoiding the sort of Times reporters who would call them "gorgeous" in the second paragraph.

No, these are women with moxie, and ambition. This profile has the feel of, oh, a group bid to launch some sort of lady Entourage, maybe? The photogenic, novelist author of the Times piece would fit snugly into such a project.

Whatever their specific dreams, Entourage-scale aspirations will be judged with the likes of Adrian Grenier and Jeremy Piven in mind. As Cody knows all too well, making those sorts of references and comparisons is utterly second-nature to viewers. And one suspects Cody and her friends, despite protestations to the contrary, don't need to be reminded of it.

It was the first time he'd met the media since advancing the much-pilloried sushi excuse, and for the most part, he kept his stories straight. Piven was "brought to his knees" by the mercury overload, he told both People and Us, adding "It feels like the heaviest bout of mono you've ever had in your life." According to Piven (now fish-sober for five months!), he'd actually gone all the way out to Connecticut for a diagnosis "just so it wouldn’t turn into a circus," which is naturally why he would choose an unrelated TV bodybuilder to announce the mercury poisoning to the media.

But what of Moss, who notably "sobbed" at the close of the first Piven-less Speed-the-Plow? People says she got face time with the actor on the red carpet:

"She knows that the second we said go, I've been battling this," Piven says.

Moss also holds no hard feelings over Piven's abrupt departure. "I hadn't actually spoken to him since he left the play," she tells PEOPLE. "It was good to speak to him."

"Sorry, Elisabeth, babe," Piven was heard to have said. "I meant to call, but then I got wrapped up in this whole Sherri Shepherd thing, and then I had to take Ashley to get headshots in Tarzana. How are things going in New York? Not so good? Ah, well, actually I'm not that interested. Sorry—gotta do KNBC and Telemundo before Lindsay Lohan starts wondering why I haven't made it to 'our stall' at Bardot!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jeremy Piven: Mercury Rising [Fox News]

• Jeremy Piven Says Mystery Mercury Illness Was "Crippling" [Us]

• Jeremy Piven Embarrassed by Illness Backlash [People]

The David Mamet comedy grossed $326,559, down nearly $160,000 from the previous week, according to figures released Monday by the Broadway League, the industry's trade organization. The show played to about 50 percent capacity at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre.

Piven was replaced by his understudy, Jordan Lage, for eight performances.

With figures like that, Speed-the-Plow may not make it til mid-January, when William H. Macy arrives bearing a strict, no-unagi rider. Shoulda gone for Steven Weber when you had the chance, Mamet! Instead, that ardent Wings fanbase must divert its attentions to Farmington, Illinois, where Crystal Bernard is currently knocking them dead in a dinner theatre production of The Fantasticks.
[Photo Credit: AP]

• Grosses tumble at a Piven-less 'Speed-the-Plow' [AP]

First, the New York Post caught up with Piven's "visibly angry" Speed-the-Plow costar, Raul Esparza, "We have not heard from him. We do not know where he is. It's very disappointing when your co-star leaves." Esparza made his level of disappointment clear in the curtain call following yesterday's matinee, says Fox News:

According to those who saw this, Esparza — famous for being outspoken — reamed Piven while [costar Elisabeth] Moss, my sources say, “sobbed.”

“’He said, I’m sure you’ve read the headlines about the silliness in our show.’ Then he said, Today was the first time I really enjoyed playing this show.’ I hope you weren’t expecting a big TV star.” It was pretty emotional.”

So how does Piven combat the actors, playwrights, and investors ("We didn't have star insurance, but we should have had asshole insurance") who have allied against him? With the unbeatable trump card that is a testimonial from Fisher Stevens:

"I believe him. His numbers are off the charts," Stevens, who suffered from mercury poisoning this year, told Page Six. Stevens says that while he was producing his upcoming Sundance entry, "The Cove," a documentary about the slaughter of mercury-loaded dolphins in the Far East, he ate fish four or five times a week. "I started feeling really sluggish and had no energy. It turns out the larger the fish, the higher the levels. I only eat small fish now."

Sadly, this unexpected endorsement found no quarter among Piven's ditched colleagues, who point out that his "mercury poisoning" didn't inhibit his well-documented late-night partying. Also fishy? Piven told friends visiting him that he was "bored out of his mind," and he attempted to line up his friend Steven Weber to replace him. Investors clearly weren't convinced of Weber's star power, preferring instead to conserve it for a touring production that would reteam the Wings star with his former NBC crew (eventually culminating in a terrible curtain call in Iowa City where Tim Daly would denounce Weber as Crystal Bernard buried her Maybelline-streaked face in her hands, weeping, "I never should have done this without Shalhoub!").

[Photo Credit: AP]

• PIVEN'S FISH TALE BEGINS TO STINK [NY Post]

• 'Entourage' Star Bashed For Being Diva [Fox News]

• TOXIC AVENGER [NY Post]

I know some folks just wanna get my back, but honestly - I'm fine. We're talking about a show set in a Hollywood so fictional that Ed Burns is a successful television producer (surprisingly, in the real world, Burns' brother is a writer on "Entourage"). We all know where the jabs are coming from (Vanilla [Entourage EP Rob] Weiss) as well as why they're being made: because Rob's still working out some issues he didn't cover in therapy...

Regardless, "Entourage" is still a guilty pleasure for me (even with the shots taken). And, like I wrote above - it's a fair jab: I've been to Sprinkles many times (just had no clue Weiss was stalking me during those runs)

We're relieved the director is able to take such jabs (the third, according to one message board poster) in stride, admitting that as cheap Entourage shots go, at least Sprinkles is a baked goods purveyor he actually endorses—if you define "endorsement" as holding a Sprinkles Platinum Visa that allows him to cut the line and head straight to the counter to pick up his regular. (An assorted baker's dozen "with a extra side of lemon icing, just-a like da Mister Kevin he likes!").

• The View Askewniverse

Green conceived the story for The Freshman with Hugh Sterbakov, who penned the title with an assist from illustrator Leonard Kirk; Green and Sterbakov are currently scripting the film. Set on a socially stratified college campus, the Top Cow series follows the misadventures of a group of dejected students who acquire peculiar abilities after a lab mishap irradiates them.

io9: How did you decide The Freshmen would make a good movie?
Seth Green: Hugh and I conceived this a couple years ago as a film. What we found was the marketplace at the time was really unreceptive to comic-book properties. X-Men had just come out, and people were still hesitant to believe that a comic book could translate cause it had so much baggage [plot-wise]. So we had an opportunity to make a comic, and we said, “Well, fuck it. Let’s just entrench it in the marketplace.” Although the movie actually will be different than the book.

io9: It would have to be. First of all, there would be a whole lot of vomit.
Green: [Laughs] You know, honestly, Elwood [who can intoxicate others when he’s drunk] remains largely unchanged. He’s got it hard because he’s a straight-A dude who doesn’t really indulge in anything, and his views are so conservative. And the one night that he tries something new, like lets his hair down [by getting drunk], he gets fucked for life.

io9: So how will the movie be different from the book?
Green: The kids aren’t going to wear costumes, obviously. Except for Paula [who can enchant anyone into falling in love with her] and [the group’s powerless leader] Norrin. Cause Paula makes her costume, and Norrin—the costume’s all he’s got. We also had to eliminate characters just for the sake of telling a story in the most concise way. I don’t want to really talk about who, but it’s a heartbreaking thing to do.

io9: Is Ray, whose superpower is essentially having a huge penis, going to stay?
Green: Oh yeah. What I’m touching on are these personalities, and what happens to kids and where they’re coming from and what they go through. And how they become who they are. And that kid, that path—oh my gosh! All I can say is it’s gonna be heartbreaking.

io9: Not to be crass, but I just have visions of Boogie Nights.
Green: It’ll never be that graphic. But he does use it as a weapon. You know, it’s long and indestructible. [Laughs] I mean, there’s a protective sheath constructed for him.

io9: Clearly, this is an R-rated movie!
Green: Yeah, definitely. Your college experience should be rated R.

io9: Will the movie cover the origin story told in volume one, which also touches on the mad scientist’s evil plot?
Green: Essentially. So much of what works well in a comic won’t work well in a movie. So thematically we’re just addressing it. The Beaver [a character who’s turned into the animal] is prominent in the film, but I don’t know that we’ll get into that dam.

io9: You’ve said you’re looking at a $35 million budget.
Green: Hey, it’s all estimations. We haven’t budgeted the script or anything like that. But I know that I need this Beaver to exist in real life. And I know that’s gonna be expensive computer-generated graphics, over like 15 percent of the film. This isn’t an effects driven movie, though. This is a character-driven movie.

io9: Sort of like a purgatory tale.
Green: It’s similar to that. We do play it for laughs, but at the same time this is a very grounded story about real kids dealing with something significant. The changes that you go through when you leave high school and go to college are huge. You’re embracing your own identity for the first time, telling the whole world who you will be for the rest of your life. This is a world where superpowers don’t exist. And I’m not talking first season of Heroes. This is today, this is actually happening, this is right now.

io9: Did you go to college?
Green: I did not go to college. (A) I had terrible entry scores—I’m a bad tester, and (B) I was already working professionally in the field that I was pursuing. So it just seemed silly for me to spend my time in a scholastic environment. [Instead] I went to the used bookstore and just bought a ton of stuff that I wanted to read.

io9: Wouldn’t it be tough, then, to direct a movie about the college experience?
Green: Oh, I spent a ton of time at colleges. All of my friends were in school, and that’s where I’d discuss with them what their experiences were. It was really just responsibility for the first time. For the first time in someone’s life, they set their own alarm; they do or don’t go to school; they do or don’t eat properly. You know? They do or don’t do all the things they’ve been instructed are crucial. That’s what I’m fascinated by.

io9: How far along are you with the script?
Green: Well, we wrote a script and we wanna take another pass at it, but we got it on paper.

io9: Have you sold it?
Green: I spent a bunch of time talking to George Lucas about how he makes his movies. And I really like his philosophies. So we’re writing it, and we’re figuring it all out. I spent a good deal of time producing over the last eight years, so this kind of thing I can handle. We’re gonna partner up with somebody we believe in and who believes in us, and make the movie that we wanna make. At press time, we haven’t picked a producer.

io9: Would you reach out to George Lucas or Joss Whedon for advice about directing?
Green: Absolutely, yes, always. When you’re fortunate enough to get to work with masters, without being a nuisance, take advantage of that.

io9: When would you ideally like to start production?
Green: Um, well, schedule really becomes a product of availability. Hugh has a show that he’s sold to the Sci Fi network. He’s doing a bit of work on that right now. I’ve got Robot Chicken—we just wrapped [another] Star Wars [episode], which is gonna be out Nov. 16. Then I have a movie in April. So it always becomes about where do you put it? But what I will say is that I wanna make this movie. I’m really excited about it. I’m really excited to show it to people.

io9: What do you think of Hollywood’s almost indiscriminate love for comic books now?
Green: It’s making a universe. It’s creating, like, a taxable marketplace. I think that’s what Marvel’s been doing so succinctly: trying to combine all their franchises into something that’s just really serving the fan. What’s nice is that Hollywood studios are essentially banks and don’t really care what the content is as long as it’s turning a profit. They become more and more willing to trust these storytellers who’ve been telling good stories all along.

io9: Yet if you talk to most comics creators and editors, they’d probably argue they’re more or less left out of the process.
Green: Well, you know, everybody’s got their process. As a filmmaker I’m just excited by the prospect of a filmmaker putting their stamp on something that they already love. Jon Favreau was a huge Iron Man fan and look what he gave us.

io9: But there are comic-book companies that solely want to develop…
Green: I know. There is no such thing as selling out anymore. 50 Cent who is the hardest gangster—or at least sold as the hardest gangster around—made $50 million selling Vitamin Water. If you don’t have a clothing line and a record or a comic book or a scent, then you’re just not participating. And it’s a funny thing to accept, as a citizen of the world. I hope this doesn’t sound disingenuous, but I’m not driven by financial gain. All my life I’ve liked to make stuff. And I’ve found myself in a position of opportunity to make some of the things I’ve been wanting to for a long time. And I’m just taking every advantage of it, absolutely.

io9: How big of a comics fan are you?
Green: I think there’s a misconception about me and the size of my comic-book geekiness. I grew up reading comic books. My dad and I did together, and I learned how to draw and I got interested in that storytelling. But around ’96, I just flat-out stopped buying them. The whole collecting market started frustrating me cause all of these companies were doing these ridiculous multiple printings with different covers to gouge the average fan. And I just found the whole thing grotesque and turned my back on it.

io9: Do you want to make anymore comics?
Green: I didn’t write The Freshman. We co-conceived the characters and the stories. I haven’t really given [creating more comics] a lot of thought. You know Geoff Johns is a buddy of mine, and he writes comics all the time. Oh my gosh, that guy is awesome. He and Matt [Senreich, Robot Chicken’s other co-creator] are going to make a movie. But, no, I haven’t really thought about it cause I haven’t had a story I wanted to tell in that medium.

io9: If Joss asked you, would you ever consider taking on the Buffy comic?
Green: See, I don’t think I’m instinctive for those characters or that content. I always put myself in their hands. I was like, “Write me something awesome.” And they never disappointed. I don’t think I’d be a good candidate. I don’t think I have valuable instincts for those characters.

io9: What was your costume this Halloween?
Green: I’ve prepared a Dr. Henry Jones Sr. costume. I love Sean Connery in The Last Crusade. I was Axl Rose one year. That was a very strong costume.

io9: Superficially, you’d appear to have a fascination with Amish people—what with The Freshman’s Amish character, Liam, as well as your role in Sex Drive.
Green: I dressed up as an Amish person when I went with [actor] Todd Grinnell to the Playboy party a few years ago. But I don’t really have some kind of fascination. It’s just come up a bunch recently.

io9: Can you tell me a little about the upcoming Star Wars episode of Robot Chicken?
Green: Oh my gosh, I cannot wait for people to watch this. It exceeded all of my expectations. We have a little bit of a linear story—we kinda discuss the bounty hunters. I’ve always been interested in those guys and who they are and how they got there. Do they have agents, or did they answer an ad? Do those guys compete all the time? Do they hate each other? Are there rivalries? What’s the story? So, start to finish, it’s the bounty hunters story. And mixed up throughout are channel flips that are all over the universe and timeline.

io9: You’re all over the place lately. What can you tell me about your upcoming spot on Heroes?
Green: Oh, I can’t [laughs].

io9: I know that you and your old buddy Breckin Meyer play comic-book nerds in Atlanta who help one of the Heroes.
Green: You possibly know more than I’m allowed to tell you. Yeah, Breckin and I are both in it. And all our scenes are together.

io9: And shots from the set reveal that you have a beard that sorta makes you look like Morgan from Chuck.
Green: Oh. Wow. That hurts a little bit.

io9: Oh, please. You know the girls love you, Seth.
Green: [laughs]

io9: Would you ever do another Star Trek spoof on Robot Chicken and have Zachary Quinto voice Spock?
Green: Not for Star Trek, no. Zach came on and did a Sylar bit for us. And he did some other stuff. He is so funny. He has got to do a comedy, cause he always plays these really scary and serious characters and he’s so fucking funny. We don’t have any new Star Trek bits. We want to see the movie first.

io9: The next episode of Entourage is intriguingly titled, “Seth Green Day.” Explain.
Green: [Creator] Doug Ellin asked me if I wanted to come and do something. And I was like, “Of course I do!” [Laughs] And me and Kevin Connolly get to fight some more. That’s funny. It’s so silly.

top Seth Green photo courtesy of bonniegrrl

After the jump: Which of the two men to play Mike Brady is joining the cast of Entourage?

· If Gary Cole could go ahead and join the cast of Entourage for three episodes, playing Ari's "oldest Hollywood friend," that'd be great. All right! [THR]
· Now Paramount is negotiating with Chris Columbus to star in Ripley’s Believe It or Not!, which is still set to star Jim Carrey...Believe It or Not! [Variety]

SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives Time Travels
The big surprise in last season's finale was a series of short scenes showing the characters five years in the future. The new season picked up where that left off, with everyone older and not necessarily wiser. It's a bit gimmicky, yes, but it's allowed them to jettison tiresome plotlines and create brand new ones (Lynette's rambunctious twin boys are now rambunctious twin young men!). While some of us here at HQ still find the show to be a bit of a whiny bore, others are digging the series like it was the first season all over again. B+

Entourage's Cameoverload
The HBO boyfest LA answer to girl business New Yorkfest Sex and the City has been overdoing it with the celebrity guest appearances, yes. But its arc has also been pat and frustrating. Drama has reached Inspector Clouseau levels of idiocy, Turtle has been given little to do, E continues to rankle in his snappy-short-guy-who's-kinda-earnest way, Adrien Grenier still cannot act, and poor Jeremy Piven is going to drive himself to an early grave with all his senseless bellowing. Credit to the underused Debi Mazar and Rex Lee for keeping their characters fresh and fun, though. C-

Dexter Is Still Killer
Showtime's gory character study about a Miami forensics expert cum justice-seeking serial killer (Michael C. Hall, steamy as ever) and the people who orbit him is still as thrilling as ever. Good grades go to Jennifer Carpenter's sassy new haircut, the always-dependable Lauren Vélez and David Zayas as Dexter's weary partners in crime fighting, and to the softly heartbreaking Julie Benz who brings a quiet dignity to every tiny scene she's in. This season's chief storyline (so far), concerning Dexter's accidental murder of an ADA's (Jimmy Smits) brother, is tense and ominous. You know, as the show should be. A-

True Blood, Truly
It's campy and silly at times, yes, but with the ever-increasing mysterious death toll, we're hooked now. Anna Paquin-factor be damned. B

Mad Men
Oh you know it's good. A

MONDAY

Gossip Girl & The Hills: Hurt So Good
The Upper East Side teen soap (fiction) and the Los Angeles post-teen soap (reality!) are both dumb and gut-churning sometimes, yes, but both have mostly been hitting on as many cylinders as they can so far this season. GG has tempered the silly melodrama of last season with more groan-inducing witty New Yorky references and word play, while The Hills has mined some sneakily affecting emotional depths. (Well, not really that affecting, but you know, relatively.) It's what the kids are watching and really, they could be doing worse. GG: B+, Hills: B-

Two and a Half Men Apparently Exists
Yeah, apparently it does. And lots of people watch it. Sigh. D

TUESDAY

Greek Is The Best Show You're Probably Not Watching
Well the third season of this terrific little confection of a college series is almost over, but I'm told the entire first season is available for your ears and eyeballs to consume online. It's a funny, sweet, nice-but-not-too-nice dramedy about a college in Ohio (where it's always sunny and warm!), that has soared these past couple of months. That Greek (heh!) guy from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is on it, and, well, swoon. The various romantic polygons have remarkably not gotten tired, and the sore-thumb single gay plotline has been treated calmly and evenly. Go watch! A-

Please Do Not Watch 90210
This excreble misery of a remake is a sloppily-made, boring piece of drivel that mind-bogglingly managed to even underestimate the taste level of squealing teenage girls. With seemingly no feel for plot structure, continuity, character, or humor, the writers have blundered along, serving us tepid little piles of gruel that—despite the presence of o.g. stars Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth (plus a hilarious Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez line)—woefully pale in comparison to the original teen whine and cheese party. Ugh. F-

Fringe: WTF?
OK, we admit we only watched the first episode of this sci-fi CSI meets X-Files pastiche. And we admit to sort of enjoying it. But nothing really pulled us back in. Joshua Jackson, way late of Dawson's Creek, is as wannabe suave and charming as ever, Anna Torv is sort of hard to pin down, and Lance Reddick is left to lurk in the shadows, reminding of us better work like The Wire and Lost. Who has kept up with this? How's it doing? We guess right now we'll give it a C

WEDNESDAY

Goodbye Forever, Project Runway
So it ends tonight, whatever. This season has been kind of unbearable, save for a few highlights (Leanne! Sort of!), with its annoying catchphrases, untalented contestants, and uninspired challenges. When the show comes back as a sad Pontiac Phoenix rising from the ashes on Lifetime (or, um, maybe not), we're pretty sure we're not going to watch it. Which is sad, because it used to be so damn good. Ah well. To everything a season and blah blah. C-

I Suppose There Have Been Other Things Airing On Wednesday Nights?
Um, let's see here.. Lipstick Jungle? No thanks. Knight Rider? Certainly not. America's Next Top Model? Never in a million years. Oh here we go. Top Design. Wait. Wait, nope. Not that either.

THURSDAY

Clocking In At The Office
We've only had two episodes, but they've been squirmy, swoony delights thanks mostly to the rainy day engagement between floppy old Jim and frizzy old Pam—though, it'd be nice to have her back in the actual office, rather than flirting it up with that teddy bear dude from Mad Men—and to the pitch-perfect Amy Ryan as a strange, nerdy, cautious love interest for ever-bumbling Michael Scott. Kudos also to the show's writers for giving lesser-seen characters like Meredith their chances to shine. A-

Kath & Kim
Sad. Just sad. Such high hopes for the usually likable Molly Shannon and Selma Blair, but this Australian import just didn't connect. D

Live From New York It's... Thursday Night?
Because of some sort of political and economic foofaraw going on these days, Lorne Michaels and co. have decided to add a special Thursday version of their Saturday Night Live Weekend Update segment to the NBC lineup. You know, to stay current and all. We've only had one so far (they'll run up to the election), and it was funny in parts and strained and awkward in others. The thing is, SNL is so skimpy on the funny as is, it seems a bit foolish to stretch out their best material to two nights a week. But, we'll keep watching for now and give it a tentative B.

It Really Is Always Sunny In Philadelphia
FX's hilarious, filthy, swear-filled, low-budget comedy It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia continues to blow the brain with out-there yet somehow completely salient themes like the gas crisis and how to fake one's own death. A

(Note: Please come back, '30 Rock.' Pleeeassse??)

THOSE OTHER TWO NIGHTS NORMAL PEOPLE SPEND DRUNK

Friday and Saturday... I dunno. I guess there's new stuff on, but who really watches. So instead let's take a moment to discuss the real TV this fall, which of course has been news and various humorous reportings on said news. As we said above, there seems to be some sort of election happening as well as some coverage of the large and troubling black hole that recently opened up here in New York, south of Worth Street. The "news" programs, as they were, have been of course loud and shouty and irksome and saturated with the kind of editorializing and conjecture that has somehow slunk its way to the top of the heap. It's so rare, like really honestly rare, these days to see any reporting that's not loaded with opinions and speculation and all manner of rabid fame-clawing by correspondents desperate to earn the next truckload of sweet ass O'Reilly or Olbermann cash. Fuck who's in the tank for who, let's toss out both tanks and start from scratch. And yes, though I like her, I'm willing to throw the Maddow out with the bathwater. F+

The parody shows, chiefly The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, have fared far better because, duh, there's just so. much. to make fun of. It's no surprise that these arch hosts (Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert) are performing ably, but all of their correspondents, writers, and editors have also been more on top of their game than we've seen in a long time. Wherever you fall on the issues (crazy, nonsensical shortsightedness vs. Barack Obama), the back-to-back lineup is always worth watching. A+

So that's that! Tell us what else you've been watching and if you've enjoyed it in the comments. And, you know, disagree with me. Because really I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

The result is something akin to what might happen if the CAA Death Star were to hover off from its Century City docking bay and touch down gently in the middle of the Burning Man festival. In the clip above, Ari loses the group, and in the process, all control of his perverse, stranglehold-reliant existence. Is it any wonder that as he panics among the boulders, he turns to his own rock—fiercely loyal gaysian henchman Lloyd—for guidance? With a sixth season announced today, we look forward to future episodes in which the lovable foursome pull off their socks and inject some of Roberts's premium brown sugar between their toes in a heroin-fueled attempt at divining whether or not Vinnie should take on the lead in Eight Below 2. [Entourage]

After the jump: Michael Douglas has a party, Woody Harrelson has a complex, and Bull Durham plots a return by Costner demand.

· Eighteen years after giving the hardware to his father, the American Film Instutute selected Michael Douglas to receive next year's Lifetime Achievement Award. [BBC]
· Kat Dennings is in talks to co-star in Defendor, featuring Woody Harrelson as a man who believes he possesses superhero powers and Dennings as the ADD-afflicted, poor-spelling neighbor girl who gives him his name. [THR]
· Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are all reportedly in talks to return for Bull Durham 2: The Beer League Years. [Page Six]
· Crisis averted! After less than a day of protests, Bollywood's dancing girls and nearly 100,000 other actors, filmmakers and crew concluded their big-budget production Kuchi Kuchi Pay Us Bitches in record time. [NYT]

Boomp3.com

Thirsty Tuesday hit an unfortunate sour note for one fan of the popular HBO series Entourage when its star Adrian Grenier entered the bar. The fan attempted to confront Grenier about the program's declining quality but soon fled tearfully, leaving only boyfriend left in the bar. The boyfriend gave Grenier the Cliff Notes version of the situation, explaining how despondent she’s been since Entourage's slide. Never one to disappoint a fan, Grenier flew out of the bar, rushed down the street, caught up with the sobbing woman and gave her a big hug. He then clutched her tightly, leaning in to whisper something in her ear. The tears quickly faded into a smile and a look of optimism. Grenier and the woman left their embrace and started to walk back to the bar. “Also," Grenier added, "the economy is going to bounce back. It always does.”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Alec Baldwin
Monk - Tony Shalhoub
The Office - Steve Carell
Pushing Daisies - Lee Pace
Two and a Half Men - Charlie Sheen

With last year's surprise winner Ricky Gervais out of the mix, the stage is set for Alec Baldwin to take home the first of what will most likely be several Emmys for his role as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. Clinching the deal? Baldwin submitted the episode containing this season's instant classic therapy scene:

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Tina Fey
The New Adventures of Old Christine - Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Samantha Who? - Christina Applegate
Ugly Betty - America Ferrera
Weeds - Mary-Louise Parker

If this is not Tina Fey, Sarah Palin will have all the Emmy voters fired.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Entourage - Kevin Dillon
Entourage - Jeremy Piven
How I Met Your Mother - Neil Patrick Harris
The Office - Rainn Wilson
Two and a Half Men - Jon Cryer

While Neil Patrick Harris has had a career-best year, How I Met Your Mother is still little-seen. The Emmys fear change, especially in the comedy category (five-time winner Candice Bergen and four-time winner John Laroquette both eventually withdrew their names to give other actors a chance), so this award should go to the Pivs in a walk.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Pushing Daisies - Kristin Chenoweth
Samantha Who? - Jean Smart
Saturday Night Live - Amy Poehler
Two and a Half Men - Holland Taylor
Ugly Betty - Vanessa Williams

My Name is Earl's Jaime Pressly took home this award last year, but this time she's not even nominated (neither was dark horse Jenna Fischer for The Office). Kudos to Amy Poehler for becoming the first modern Saturday Night Live performer to score a supporting actor nomination, but Emmy loves a veteran, so we expect this to go to two-time winner Jean Smart.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
The Office
Two and a Half Men

Curb Your Enthusiasm is a weak-fill in for last year's nominee Ugly Betty; frankly, we're surprised that the dazzling Pushing Daisies pilot couldn't muster up the votes to fill that fifth slot (the strike-truncated season could have sapped its momentum). All the buzz is with 30 Rock right now — not only did it win in this category last year, but none of its challengers are coming off their best seasons. If anything besides Tina Fey's expertly crafted sitcom wins, we promise to liveblog an episode of Two and a Half Men as penance.

Boomp3.com

Entourage star Jeremy Piven spent a good portion of his lunch yesterday wondering why he didn't have any company. Piven asked his waitress at a New York City eatery if she thought that season premiere of his HBO laffer wasn't quite up to snuff. The waitress remarked, "Eh, I missed it. I was watching Mad Men on Sunday night and sort of flipping back and forth between the VMAs." Piven then asked her if she was planning on watching it On Demand, but the waitress shook her head "no", then excused herself by explaining that she needed to get Diet Coke refills over to Table 12.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Entourage star Jeremy Piven bucked the established order of the fashion world by sporting a pair of white pants after Labor Day in New York City on Tuesday. When asked why he dared to commit a fashion crime this heinous, Piven claimed that his pants weren't white, they were actually vanilla. Piven said, "They're vanilla bean colored — that's what my glam squad told me. Check the catalog."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.