By the time the smoke's cleared, and the kingpins of William Morris and the thugs Endeavor come together and become the giant talent syndicate that is WME Entertainment, a significant number of people are going to have lost their jobs. Until then, there's the typical air of absolute paranoia and uncertainty that these desk-chained youngsters - one of whom I once was - have to endure. And it sounds like nobody's saying anything right now...

"How would I describe it? Madness in denial...We see "normalcy" but things have been eerily quiet. Assistants are scared for their careers. It's very difficult not to feel as though there's a big target on our backs, but we're all just reporting to our desks like sitting ducks but you can taste the tension in the air and feel the nerves jangling. It's definitely a bizzare [sic] atmosphere. Every assistant is scrambling to find a new job, whether they're told they're in or not..."

...Except, of course, for Nikki Finke, who the assistants have to get their news through. Another one:

"We get all of our information second-hand from Nikki Finke. You know what we know. At the same time, I'd be lying if I didn't admit it was very exciting to be in the "middle" of something this "big." But people are being called in. And there are really no jobs out there. Like, none.

None, apparently! Finally, some intel on Dana Sims - one of the agency's largest talent agents - leaving the company, and the fate of her longtime, devoted assistant.

Dana had a brand-new assistant at the time that was an agent trainee. Dana's departure demonstrated WMA's new callousness towards its staff. When Dana left, her assistant (who had been at WMA for three years) was initially told he would be able to stay. He did, in fact, state to Human Resources that he would love to remain at the company, and told them he would do any job they needed him to do in order to stay. HR: Okay, great, you can stay." The next day, after Dana had be escorted out by security, HR called him and said "you're fired." This doesn't happen: a trainee was fired?! In the wake of this merger, the company just can't afford to care about any of its employees, regardless of how long they've been there."

And see! There's your lesson: Hollywood is like every other industry when it comes to letting people go. Shrouds of secrecy, thinly veiled threats, bald-faced lies, and eventual disappointment. To all other assistants out there in this merger, no matter which side you're on: duck, run, take cover. Only the strong (or strongly connected) are surviving this one.

Friday's premiere of Tell Tale, which stars Josh Lucas as a man hunting for the guy who murdered the person whose heart he just had transplanted into himself (yes), was interrupted right in the middle of the ultra-violent, climactic torture-porn sequence. Though some people thought the whole incident was a publicity hoax, when people realized that the man was not well, an ambulance was called and the lights came up. So the director, Michael Cuesta, was upset, sure, but an agent from Endeavor was spotted going apeshit.

The audience was told the final five minutes would be shown as soon as the man was tended to, but most people started filing out, getting a good look, a witness tells Gawker, at Dawn Saltzman bellowing into her phone, seemingly irate that something as small as a man suddenly passing out in a crowded theater would stop something as insanely important as a horror movie screening. At least, I guess, she had her client's (and her) interests right up there at number one.

From their report:

[T]alks have heated up between upstart Endeavor and venerable William Morris to the point where I'm being told the odds are "70/30" that the two agencies will do a merger deal...I hear Ari Emanuel may run the combined agency as long as Jim Wiatt gets a fancy title and an uber-lucrative contract.

A stumbling economy can make for strange bedfellows, for as recently as six months ago WMA would likely have never even entertained Emanuel's offer of a $300 gas card and unlimited Netflix subscription in exchange for their reality-show-packaging contract clearinghouse. The consolidation of the William Morris mailroom with the Endeavor kitchen supply closet will provide Hollywood with one agent-launching hotbed, producing a baby-gobbling army estimable enough to finally defeat the evil CAA Death Star. Their ability to offer no interruption in their parking validation service will be but the final coup de grâce.

• IT'S FOR REAL: Endeavor And William Morris Talking About Teaming Up [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

And how did the ubiquitous hipster documentarian penetrate the inner sanctum of Hollywood's Wormhole to the White House™? We're not entirely sure, but we know partner Tom Strickler signed off on it, and even answered some interview questions left for him on a whiteboard. (Cobrasnake: "What is the best advice you can offer someone starting in the mail room at Endeavor?" Strickler: "Work work work work work work.") There's also some great shots of life behind the scenes at the Hollywood power-brokerage—everything from 189-line telephones to bedraggled assistants to Strickler and his team of hardworking baby-devourers themselves. Ari Emanuel, however, is nowhere to be found. Nice work, Cobrasnake! Now put some pants on.

More photos:

[Photo credits: Mark "The Cobrasnake" Hunter]
[Except the one of Lloyd. That's just a joke.]

• Endeavor [The Selby]

1. Their father is an Israel-born pediatrician, their mother a former X-ray technician, a onetime rock club owner, and a civil rights activist. She would take her sons along on the demonstrations if they were peaceful.
2. They grew up poor, leaving one apartment because it was rat-infested, and another because neighbors complained that the three Emanuel boys were too rambunctious.
3. He lost half of his right middle finger after a meat-slicer accident while working at Arby's as a teenager. It happened on prom night, and led to a bone and blood infection that nearly took his life. His fever went as high as 106.

4. Rahm is the inspiration for Bradley Whitford's character Josh Lyman on The West Wing.
5. He was encouraged to take ballet lessons as a boy, and he excelled at it so much, he eventually won a scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet. He turned it down to attend Sarah Lawrence College.
6. He worked on Paul Simon's 1984 Senate bid.
7. He volunteered in Israel during the Gulf War, and was assigned to rust-proof breaks at an army base.
8. The same year, he convinced Bill Clinton to put off campaigning in New Hampshire to raise funds instead. It was a strategy credited with winning Clinton the election.
9. He acted as a senior advisor in the Clinton regime from 1993 to 1998, but was demoted one year after Clinton took office. After the '96 election, he planned on quitting, but Clinton gave him George Stephanopoulos's post as senior advisor for policy and strategy.
10. During his 1992 run for Congress, Edward Moskal, president of the Polish American Congress, called him a "millionaire carpetbagger who knows nothing [about] our heritage." He also falsely claimed that Rahm was a dual Israeli citizen and fought in their army.
11. He was named DCCC chairman in 2005, and butted heads with DNC chair Howard Dean over Dean's "50-state" strategy—in one heated exchange, Rahm even lobbed an F-bomb and stormed out of the room.
12. Torn over who to support in a Presidential bid between longtime friend Hillary and home-state senator Barack, Rahm said, "I'm hiding under the desk. I'm very far under the desk, and I'm bringing my paper and my phone."
13. He practices Orthodox Judaism with his wife, Amy Rule, and their three children, Zacharias, Ilana, and Leah.
14. He's a triathlete.
15. His name means "high" in Hebrew.
16. He doesn't recommend that colleagues appear on The Colbert Report, though he himself has appeared numerous times on The Daily Show.
17. His date of birth is November 29th, 1959.
18. He has photos of sunsets in his office and David Gray on his iPod.
19. He's quick with a zinger. Example: On the Clinton Days: “Back then, stimulus and package had a whole different meaning.” ”I’ve spent more alone time with Bill than Hillary.” On Fred Thompson: “He had an interesting take on No Child Left Behind. He married one.”
20. His nickname is Rahmbo. Even his mother uses it.

In April 2002, an agent named Sandra Epstein sued Endeavor, alleging, among other things, sexual harassment and pointing out that at one point she had been the lone woman among a dozen male agents. ...

Mr. Emanuel, the filings said, allowed a friend to operate a pornographic Web site out of the agency’s quarters. Also, according to Ms. Epstein’s filings, Mr. Emanuel made antigay and racist remarks — accusations he disputed at the time.

Ms. Epstein said Mr. Emanuel blocked her from sending a script about the Navy Seals to the actor Wesley Snipes. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” the agent was reported in the papers to have said. “Everyone knows that blacks don’t swim.”

It's all good now, reports the Times's Michael Cieply, and thank God: We'd hate to see CAA get too far ahead when it comes to classiness.

• Agents Replaying a Hollywood Drama [NYT]

· Val Kilmer, Fairuza Balk, Jennifer Coolidge, Vondie Curtis Hall, Shawn Hatosy, Denzel Whitaker and Xzibit join Nicolas Cage in Werner Herzog's remake reimagining updating sequel-with-none-of-the-original-characters to Abel "Who?" Ferrera's Bad Lieutenant. [THR]
· Strike.tv is a new original-content site that launches this summer. Its first three months of profits are earmarked for the Entertainment Assistance Program of the Actor's Fund, which "helps anybody in the entertainment community in need of assistance." [THR]
· Physical album sales are down 11% from last year, and digital sales are up. A flowers, candles, and teddy bear memorial has begun to form outside Amoeba. [Variety]

Clients like Aaron Sorkin—whose tragically short-lived observational masterwork, Studio 60, managed in one short season to get Americans thinking as much about blacklisted WGA veterans and U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan as it did about the serious-minded process of unfunny-sketch-show mounting. But while Emanuel is quick to deflect his accomplishments in favor of those of his higher-profile clients, we'd suggest no one has affected more positive change than Ari himself, his battered Prius the pace-car for the entire Hollywood conscience derby.

• A discussion about healthcare with Ezekiel, Ari, and Rahm Emanuel [Charlie Rose]

While still simmering about the Berg incident, Emmanuel [sic] arrived at the executive dining room at Universal, where he was to have lunch with film studio chairman Marc Shmuger. As fate would have it, Shmuger's boss—Universal Studios chief Ron Meyer—was meeting Silverman there that day. In fact, the two couples were in adjoining booths. When Emmanuel [sic] spied Silverman, he delivered a tongue-lashing, touching on Silverman's lifestyle and its impact on NBC-Universal's business. He didn't whisper. ...

At the lunch, the almost-always-affable Ron Meyer tried to keep out of the line of fire. But we're told that afterward he advised Silverman to mend fences with Emmanuel. [sic] Eventually, the two met and at least nominally made up.

Great! Now that that's resolved, it's on to Slate's copy editors. Here's hoping the resolution is as swift and serene, if perhaps more permanent; Masters also reports that Silverman was back to talking shit by the end of the day. Kids these days, seriously.

• Hugging It Out [Slate]

Where I work I heard a rumor about Jodie's new gf. It's not Cynthia Mort. Allegedly it's a 20something year old agent at Endeavor. Anyone else hear this?

Could the enduring star and glass-panic-room-dweller have found love in the assistant-lined halls of Endeavor, right beneath the approvingly paternal gaze of agent-swap mascot Ari Emanuel (whom we've outfitted with a stylish-yet- easy-to -manage hairdo and sassy new attitude to befit the occasion)? Our lines our open.

• Homewrecking Spy In Jodie Foster's House Of Love Revealed! [Defamer]

And why the sudden case of itchy feet? Posits Variety:

Writers and their agents say that the post-writers strike and pre-actors strike funk has ramped up agency raiding of rival clients...Add in stress-inducing factors — expected post-strike writing assignments that never materialized; studios squeezing quotes on the few jobs that do exist; studios having filled out slates through 2009; and the lack of greenlights until a SAG deal is in place — and the combination is a perfect storm of anxiety that has made talent, writers included, particularly susceptible to sweet talk from other agents.

Or maybe they're just promiscuous rep-sluts, in dire of a Dr. Drew® Intervention™.

• Top Hollywood scribes making moves [Variety]

Jacobs joined UTA in 1998, bringing along Depp, Joan Cusack, Vincent D'Onofrio and filmmakers Lasse Hallstrom and Mark Pellington from her previous perch at ICM. Those names will join her at Endeavor, which bulked up considerably this month with Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller (the latter leading Stevens' "comedy wheel" exodus) signing on across Wilshire Boulevard. No comment yet from Jacobs or leadership at either agency, though we presume UTA boss Jim Berkus should have an anonymous Craigslist post offering surplus office furniture online by the end of the day. Let us know if you spot it.

UPDATE: Looks like Tracey Jacobs is staying put ... for now.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

De Niro joked that by the time the Film Society of Lincoln Center invited him to speak at its annual gala tribute, the program was already filled out and he should just contribute some anecdotes. "But I don't have any!" he complained to his Deer Hunter co-star, seated with Mike Nichols, Robert Redford, Amy Adams, Uma Thurman, Christopher Walken and other luminaries in a box above the stage. "I don't have any details of fun things you used to do. We didn't go to the high school prom together, though that would have been fun. I don't think we ever sneaked into [Deer Hunter director] Michael Cimino's trailer to play a practical joke. That could have been fun, too. I don't remember sleeping together, but..." De Niro shrugged.

Oh, snap! He was unstoppable. "It was nice to see that clip from The Deer Hunter, though I was kind of hoping they'd show Marvin's Room or Falling in Love because I'm pretty sure most of you haven't seen them." Pow! Zing! "That's OK, though — Meryl and I will be selling DVD's in the lobby after the show.

"I was very fortunate to be in these three films with Meryl, which means I'm in every 60 or show movies that she does.

"I was honored that the organizers of this event asked me to say a few words, though I did notice they waited until I had already bought a ticket."

De Niro later recalled first seeing Streep on-stage in The Cherry Orchard, which led to him and Cimino recruiting her for The Deer Hunter. Then he got on another roll; we figured we should probably film this one.

"Meryl was wonderful," he said. "She's just wonderful. And I would do anything to be in another movie with her. That brings me to another [thing]: There's a great part for a Meryl Streep-type in a new movie I might be doing. Meryl, your agent isn't returning my calls. They warned me there would be consequences for leaving CAA. So I thought maybe if we talked after the show? I don't know if the ticket I bought gets me into the after party, so if I don't see you later, let me tell you how proud I am to be here tonight." But no prouder than your new family at Endeavor is today, Bobby! Way to knock 'em dead!

"Market forces are affecting the agencies," said Scott Harris, the head of Innovative Artists, a boutique outfit that represents top Broadway actors (Patti LuPone, Adam Pascal) and a number of established names, including Frank Langella, Ving Rhames and Marilu Henner. "Sometimes we have to manage expectations down. What someone made five years ago, the market may no longer bear." ...

Several managers — and more than a few agents — said the recent poaching is having a deleterious impact on the business. Rather than focusing on carefully building a career, these people say, some agents nowadays favor high-profile deals over strategic advice.

It's one thing to get a client a private jet and a fat cut of a film's profits, said UTA partner Jeremy Zimmer, "but it's also really exciting and emotionally satisfying to see someone's first movie premiere at Sundance or put someone to work who hasn't worked in a year."

We're encouraged to see moral rewards reclaim their status among dealmaking considerations — especially at UTA, where the recent defections of comedy super-agent Nick Stevens, Ben Stiller and virtually anyone who has had his name on a movie poster with him since 2003 promise a brave new era of phone-line sharing, cubicle consolidation and unisex bathrooms on every other floor. Next to go: Private e-mail, thus requiring a trip to Kinko's for agents faxing anonymous, client-hating poems to Nikki Finke.

• Behind the talent-agency shakeups [LAT]

They promised they could turn back time. They promised they could get him 20m a picture.

DeNiro had a choice ten or so years ago. He could either go the Nicholson route - very selective, very particular, protect the brand - or go out sending himself up in tripe like Analyze This, which made money but turned him into that "old psycho guy." ...

Bobby blames everybody but himself for the way he's squandered his career, and refused lots of quality pictures because they wouldn't give him producer credit.

Good luck in the Hotel Business, pal.

The raw bile percentage of the rest — ripping up the Tribeca Film Festival, his persona non grata status among younger filmgoers — suggests the note really did emerge from within the Death Star. In fact, we suspect a memo pushing CAA's interoffice contest "500 Words or Less on Why We Won't Miss Bob De Niro" is floating around someone's inbox; we'd love to have a look if anyone will pass it along, or at least we'd like to know what the seething minions were playing for. "Star commenter" status on Nikki Finke's blog hardly seems worth the effort.

• It's True! Robert De Niro Has Fired CAA [DHD]

Everyone's favorite actor/producer/restaurateur Ashton Kutcher has announced he is leaving Endeavor, the agency he's been with for a decade, and for the cozier confines of the CAA Death Star. Known for their ability to revive careers, CAA may have an uphill battle with an actor whose only successful role was also his first (as lovable dimwit Michael Kelso on That '70s Show).

Luckily for the agency, they stand to take a percentage of the TV shows Kutcher will develop as a producer with his company Katalyst (which have so far included some surprisingly good series, like Punk'd, Beauty and the Geek, Miss Guided and Pop Fiction). Unfortunately, his new agents at CAA will not get a cut from the ridonkulously popular clubs and restaurants Ashton holds a stake in with the Dolce Group. Nor will they get to have sex with Demi Moore.

• Ashton Kutcher Signs With CAA [Variety]

News of the move broke Friday night, and by Saturday afternoon Stiller was telling the Reporter's Gregg Kilday: "I think Nick Stevens is a unique entity in this business: an agent with integrity, a point of view and most of all humanity. ... I would be with him if he was working out of the Sunglass Hut at the Beverly Center." Of course, Stevens rep was for working out of anywhere but the UTA office, which was a nagging bone of contention with the board that was trying to edge him off while keeping him and his golden geese — whose creative partnerships and overlaps have earned over a billion dollars globally since 2000 — in the talent department fold he'd maintained since 1995.

Obviously, that could have gone better. UTA brass, who had in recent weeks seen high-profile client departures like Kate Bosworth and Vince Vaughn, limped through the weekend telling anyone who would listen that no, it's not merging with Paradigm, and no, it's not for sale. Chairman Jim Berkus went on the defensive to say that UTA allowed as much rope as it could before things became untenable. We don't doubt it, but in any case, Stevens is the Salinger of talent agents and won't be giving his side of the story anytime soon. Watch for the talent defections to continue as Stevens settles in across Wilshire; share your tips if you see any comics jaywalking.

• UTA partners move to Endeavor [THR]
• Shocker! UTA's Nick Stevens To Endeavor... [DHD]