1. Be honest: The worst thing a layoff can be is full of shit. At least have the common courtesy to tell the truth. From MTV's memo today:

We all know there's a fundamental restructuring of our entire economy going on, and it extends beyond our borders. This is not just about MTVN, Viacom or even sister media companies – it's happening in every industry, all over the world. This doesn't make it easier to say goodbye to people we love and respect, but it is the hard truth. In these tough times, we are responsible for sustaining and reinventing our company as thoughtfully as we can. The changes we're making today are necessary, difficult, and the responsible way for us to move forward.

This is true, straightforward, and not patronizing.

2. But not too honest: Perfect honesty demands admitting that the people you laid off are the ones you consider disposable. Don't do that. You must, must fellate your departing employees to the extent possible without seeming absolutely fake. Elsewhere in that MTV memo:

Everyone here contributes to MTVN and Viacom every single day and night without exception. We hate to see dedicated friends and co-workers leave us, and we say goodbye with care, gratitude, support and respect.

The first sentence is patently false for any large organization. The second sentence may or may not be true. Still, it's a nice thought.

3. Remember your audience: Your audience here—your most important audience—is people who are being laid off. Employees with safe jobs, the media, and the general public will all get hold of these memos and read them, but really, you have to cater to the dead here. From Viacom's memo today:

Viacom's long-term health will depend on our shared commitment to adapt, to innovate and to make difficult choices. To compete and thrive, we need to create an organization and a cost structure that are in step with the evolving economic environment.

Do you know how much newly laid-off employees care about Viacom's long-term health? Not much. They just got laid off. Keep the focus on the people.

4. Look like you put some thought into it: Being cold and perfunctory is almost as bad as being a see-through fake. Sure, executives and their flacks would rather be sniffing blow in a golf cart than approving layoff memos. But you people still have jobs, so suck it up and try to say something non-robotic. Universal Pictures' memo today is only four short paragraphs, the last three of which say this:

While much has been accomplished to find necessary savings, we regret that we must also reduce headcount by around 3%. No company likes to have to make these kinds of decisions, and certainly we are no exception. We want to assure you that everyone has done their best to keep job cuts to an absolute minimum.

The process of communicating with those individuals whose positions are affected has begun today and will continue for the next few days.

We appreciate the effort from everyone who has participated in this difficult process.

Yada yada. The tone is indistinguishable from an internal memo announcing that staplers must be signed out of the supply closet from now on. Shed a tear or two, fuckers.

5. Every time you use corporate doubletalk, an angel dies: Actual human sentences—try them! When ushering hundreds of people out the door, avoid standard management-speak, like this from Paramount's memo today:

Without question, the changes we implement today required us to make difficult choices. We take these steps after a careful analysis of our overall business and as part of a broader strategy to overcome the challenges of this unusual time in the market and to chart a successful course for the future.

As we look ahead, we are encouraged by the strength of our slate, the quality of our creative partners, the innovation we see on the lot every day and the projects we have in development. These assets, coupled with your talent and hard work, I believe will enable us to remain strong over the long term.

With that, your newly unemployed workers may leverage their strategic capabilities to steal a lot of stuff on the way out. [Pic via]

This is a tough job. The pay is between $600 and $900 per week, depending on level of experience. If you're looking for an easy, relaxing, cushy job, please stop reading now and move on to the next ad. Seriously.

The best person for this job is someone who's very responsible and highly organized. If you're not responsible, or if you're not highly organized, please stop reading this ad and move on. [...]

ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT HAVE: Q: Will I like working for this guy? A: That depends. People who are smart and work hard LOVE working for him. People who are lazy and make silly mistakes HATE working for him.

Q: Will I be working with nice people?
A: Yes. The people who work on our productions are fun and nice. It's a very positive environment, largely because this producer is very careful about hiring only excellent, nice people.

Q: Is this boss a yeller? Will he ever shout at me?
A: No. He doesn't yell. He's never abusive or mean. But if you do dumb things, or are lazy, you won't have a good time. [...]

Q: Will I have to do a lot of driving?
A: Yes. Tons of driving. If you don't like driving in L.A. traffic, this job isn't for you.

Q: Will I have to do lots of personal errands for my boss?
A. Yes. Absolutely. For sure. Lots of personal errands. [...]

Q: Do I get health benefits?
A. No.

Q: Could I expect to make more money in the future?
A: Sure. If you do really great work you'll get nice raises. If you screw up a lot, you won't. [...]

Q: You seem to be trying to make this job sound unappealing. Why?
A: We're making this job sound very tough because it is. You'll have a lot of things to do each day. Some tasks are mundane and easy. Some are new and challenging. If you're lazy, or weak, or a person who gets easily flustered or stressed, you won't last a month in this job. To handle it, you need to be smart, hard-working, and resourceful.

The rest of the ad is here, but we suspect you've already been scared off by the terrifying, passive-aggressive realities of assistant work ("Hey, Jenny, did you remind the Starbucks guy that I like exactly one extra squirt of caramel in my macchiato? You did? [beat] Well, would you mind double-checking next time that he didn't forget it? Super. I've already put a Post-It note on your monitor so tomorrow you'll remember to keep an eye on Mr. Screw-Up. That guy is so lazy! [sing-songy] Thank you.") to pursue this opportunity further.

• *** PERSONAL ASSISTANT NEEDED FULL-TIME *** [Craigslist]

• Bikinis preferably metallic, but any bikini or bikini top will do • Sunglasses (locs, gangsta shades) • Thong Underwear • Weird hip hop tops • Butt shorts • Ball caps • Lip liner make up • Stripper Shoes • Bling (gold chains and shit! $ signs!) • No green! No Brand Name LOGOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The entire Craigslist post is after the jump.

We need dirty dirty girls who want to shake their asses in our video. Are you one? Do you know one?

Become part of Pop-Culture History!!!

The official video for Captain Ahab's Snakes on the Brain, featured in the film "Snakes on A Plane" will be filming next weekend and we are in need of BOOTY GIRLS. If you've got junk in the trunk and think you've got what it takes to shake on camera, Hit us up!!!!

Extras are also Welcome!!!!!

1 day shoot 3-6 hours —Sun. 07/09

possibly 2days—Sat. 07/08

Booty Girls/Babes will provide own wardrobe. suggestions:
• Bikinis preferably metallic, but any bikini or bikini top will do
• Sunglasses (locs, gangsta shades)
• Thong Underwear
• Weird hip hop tops
• Butt shorts
• Ball caps
• Lip liner make up
• Stripper Shoes
• Bling (gold chains and shit! $ signs!)
• No green! No Brand Name LOGOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Independant Production

Send Headshot or something close.
Meal, Cred, Copy

• Snakes On A Plane Music Video Needs Booty Girls!!!! [Craigslist]
• Captain-Ahab.com

REAL EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT POSITION I am seeking an Executive Assistant. We are a film finance and production company. We do NOT do porn. We finance and produce mainstream films. I am seeking an assistant that I can take under my wing and train her in every aspect of the film industry. After a year she will be moved to a VP position supporting my own. I am looking for someone ambitious, smart, sexy, strong and discreet. THIS IS AN ACTUAL POSITION! The job carries a salary, bonuses paid quarterly, full medical, paid vacations and some expenses. I am posting in the adult section for a reason, and YOU KNOW WHY!! You must be absolutely secure with that. Please send a resume with a photograph of your self and a short paragraph on how you would make my day easier.

We should disclose our doubts about this potential employer's value in advancing your career. This is not an industry for those afraid to ask for what they want, and if the best he can do is meekly wink that "you know why!" he's posting for office help in the adult section, how far is he going to take you in Hollywood? Give some thought to that question before you start agonizing over the perfect wording of an explanation of how a quickie in the copy room really clears one's head before a pitch meeting.

• REAL EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT POSITION [Craigslist]

Flight Attendant

Company: Avjet/Jerry Bruckheimer
Location: Burbank, CA 91505
Status: Full Time, Employee
Job Category: Airlines
Relevant Work Experience: 1+ to 2 Years Career Level: Experienced (Non-Manager)
Education Level: High School or equivalent

Job description
The ideal candidate is an exceptional person with meticulous attention to detail and above average organization and communication skills. Secondary education preferred, but not required. Experience in corporate aviation and fine dining service preferred. Candidate must be able to travel extensively worldwide and work professionally as an important member of the flight crew. Sense of style and etiquette a must. The successful candidate is resourceful and possesses an ability to juggle and prioritize in a very fast-paced environment. The position of flight attendant is a physical job and candidates must be able to stand, walk, kneel, bend, stoop, stretch, reach, and lift heavy objects.

The ideal candidate should also be willing to endure, if not actively invite, the crude, Mile-High-Club-based come-ons of frequent Bruckheimer collaborator and celebrated fauxteur Michael Bay on those occasions that the two men need to discuss their next blowing-shit-up project while in transit.

Also: No fatties, please. But you knew that already, didn't you?

• Flight Attendant [Monster.com]

LOBBY GREETER HIP! EXCITING! Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel is looking for individuals with great customer service skills that likes to make people feel welcome. Must be flexible and work different shifts. Part time are considered as well as full time. Willing to train the right person who likes to be around exclusive clientele. Please apply in person at 7000 Hollywood Blvd - Hollywood - CA 90028 or fax 323/466-xxxx EOE - M/F/V/D

We wish good luck to the Roosevelt's management in its endeavor to offer a more welcoming environment for their "exclusive clientele," who'll enjoy the temporary novelty of politeness and respect for a little while, become bored, then eventually run back into the arms of a place willing to stun-gun anyone who looks like they don't fit in, just like the Trop in its guest-abusing heyday.

• LOBBY GREETER [Craigslist]
• Defamer Employment: Tropicana Staffing Up [Defamer]

TV Executive Looking for Dynamic Personal Assistant/Masseuse Hello! I'm a TV exec (male, 34), Beverly Hills-based for the next 4 months, around 4 days a week, as we continue production on one of my current shows.

While I'm in Los Angeles, I'm looking for a smart, dynamic, personable gal with great hands, who can give me a couple of massages a week, and spend a few hours a week running errands (buying wine, dry-cleaning, helping with documents). You don't have to be certified in massage, just be personable, and have a good touch — this is primarily for relaxation, and because I don't have the time to make and break spa appointments.

I'm also looking for someone who can serve as an escort/assistant to several high profile entertainment functions I will have to attend. Outfits for the events included as perks. Looking for someone attractive, with social graces.

Errands/PA may include:

- Dryclean dropoff/pickup
- Gift buying/drop-off
- Escort/assistant to work functions

Your time committment can be extremely flexible, and will not require more than 4 to 5 hours a week of your time. I'm a fun, easy-going and relaxed fella, and will be willing to work around your full-time work schedule, if necessary.

Compensation will be $140 per hour for massage, and $25 per hour for errands/assistant work. Events that you attend will be paid at $400 per event, plus perks like the clothes. The job guarantees $400 per week minimum, and is no more than 4 to 5 hours of work a week (except when there's an event, there's 4 of them in the next 4 months). You must have a cell phone, and be relatively accessible.

I am interviewing this week, so early responses get first priority.

Please respond with a picture and phone number — I don't have ready access to email all the time.

A handy tip: He was offering the same rates last year (actually, there's been a cut in the per-hour pay for the errands). At the very least, ask for a cost-of-living or inflation increase should you join the competition for the position. Good luck!

• TV Executive Looking for Dynamic Personal Assistant/Masseuse [Craigslist]
• Defamer Employment: Busy Exec Seeks Assistant With Strong Hands, Weak Self-Esteem [Defamer]

Looking for an assistant for Collin [sic] Farrell...$750 per week, must be male.... must be intelligent. Please contact Russell at *******@gmail.comASAP if you know anyone...

The position's penis-having prerequisite might at first smack of sexism, but we can assure you, this is probably not the ideal job for a woman especially when its three main responsibilities are "drunk girl at club ice-breaker," "sex tape dialogue punch-up writer," and, least glamorous of all, "suspicious discharge inspector."

• Colin Farrell Sex Tape: The Script [Defamer]

Girls Gone Wild Office Coordinator

Office Coordinator Needed:

Mantra Films, Inc. the producer of Girls Gone Wild is looking for a highly organized, detail oriented, and dependable Office Coordinator in Santa Monica, CA. Duties include assisting the VP of Production, Booking Agent, Tour Coordinator, and Production Manager in all areas of production, including three nationwide tours and various Spring Break locales.

Ideal candidate is internet savvy, skilled in Excel and Word. He or She is able to work hard, follow-through, and be available at least 9am to 6pm M-F in an extremely fast-paced environment. Advancement within the company is a possibility.

Please send intro and resume to xxx@mantraent.com

The ideal candidate must also be conformable reading the following phone script to disappointed former GGW cast members: "We at Girls Gone Wild regret that you've experienced doubts about your participation as a featured player in our films. However, at the time of shooting, you assured us you were at least 18, passed our 'How Many Sets Of Mardi Gras Beads Am I Holding Up?' Consent Sobriety Test, and held a pen somewhere near the area of a release form. Good luck in all of your future endeavors, and remember, 'Show us your tits!'"

Of course, we recognize that this listing may not be for everyone, so we'd be remiss in our duties if we didn't offer an alternate opportunity. How about taking a little money to help a major studio release generate some buzz?

Get Paid to be the Pink Panther's Biggest Fan!! Are you energetic and outgoing? Creative, cutting edge advertising agency seeks a dedicated fan of the upcoming Pink Panther movie to embark on an unprecedented promotion concurrent with the DVD release. We are working with the world renowned plastic surgeon behind MTV's hit show "I Want a Famous Face" to re-create the cast of the film for an upcoming publicity tour and fan convention. Seeking willing participants to have their likeness reimagined in the likes of the four leading characters: Steve Martin, Kevin Klein, Beyonce Knowles, and most excting THE PINK PANTHER himself! Contact immediately, project must start asap. Participants, if well matched, will be paid along a range; starting at $10,000 for a Beyonce look alike and $100,000 and featured publicity opportunities for the Pink Panther.

$100,000 seems like sufficiently generous compensation for radical plastic surgery necessary to complete the Panther transformation; the fang installation, the grafting of pink fur onto one's skin, and the multiple face implants are all easily reversible once the opening weekend publicity onslaught ends. If they can't find a suitable candidate, however, a clause in Sony chief Amy Pascal's contract is triggered, and she'll be forced to attend all promotional events wearing the ragged panther costume used during the original movie's press tour in 1963.

• Girls Gone Wild Office Coordinator [Craigslist]
• Get Paid to be the Pink Panther's Biggest Fan!! [Craigslist]

I went in and interviewed for this off the UTA job list when there wasn’t a production company listed. I found out it was Steven Seagal and decided to do the interview just for the story. I was told that I would travel the world on a private jet and make $800/week. Sounded pretty good (except for the S. Seagal part). Then I started asking questions: Turns out you have to keep a 12-20 person entourage including personal chef, monks, and body guards happy at all times. I was told it was more of a “management” than an “assistant” position. Meaning you had to manage to get all of them where they needed to go or Steven would rip you a new one. Did I mention the 50 pieces of luggage that you are in charge of shepherding around the world? Also you have to go out to the “clubs” with Steven every night after work—a truly horrifying thought. And of course discretion is an absolute must. I told this story to someone else who had applied for the same job and they told me that when asked what sort of things they were supposed to be discreet about they were given this example: “like for instance if someone were to get shot."

I asked how long the person before me had lasted and the interviewer (not seagal) said 3 months. I applied 4 months ago.

We can only hope that there's no connection between the last assistant's three-month tenure and the referenced discretion about potential gunplay-related mishaps. Anyway, happy interviewing!

• Previously: Defamer Employment: Marked For Success [Defamer]

Assistant to Producer & Celebrity
There are three jobs available for this listing. 1. Assistant to Celebrity 2. Assistant to Celebrity producing partner 3. Office assitant for production company

Steamroller Productions is seeking experienced full-time assistant. Candidate will deal directly with actors, travel for production, and learn all aspects of movie making. This a busy office with heavy phones, scheduling, and travel arranggement. Ideal candidate must be extremely responsible, organized, self disciplined, and able to multi task. Wonderful opportunity for right person. Great opportunity to move up quickly in the entertainment business. Email a picuture and resume to xxxx@gmail.com or fax them to 310-xxx-xxxx. no calls please.

* Job location is Los Angeles
* Compensation: above $600 per week.

For those of you who haven't decoded the mind-melting clue offered by the picture above, Steamroller Productions is onetime action star/current semitoxic energy beverage mogul Steven Seagal's company. Before you tear up that last unemployment check, sure that all your Hollywood dreams are about to come true at rate of "above $600 per week," ask yourself a tough question: Which tastes better, the Ramen noodles slowly boiling on the hotplate in your studio apartment, or what passes for craft service on the Romanian set of the straight-to-video classic Hard to Kill 2: Somewhat Harder to Kill?

Oh, and we wouldn't read too much into the part where you have to submit a picture; they just want to make sure that you're not an obviously deranged maniac. Or, you know, a dude.

UPDATE: A reader reports on his interview for the job.

• Assistant to Producer & Celebrity [Craigslist]
• Previously: Defamer Employment: Writer Seeks Muse [Defamer]

WRITER NEEDS SEXY SMART MUSE
Professional screenwriter needs a muse. I'm against a deadline by Jan 4th on a bio pic I am writing. I have a friend who tried this and it worked. I thought he was nuts until he sold the script. My motavation sapped... brain fried. I need a jolt. You need xmas cash. Be smart, funny, sexy, discreet, open minded, sensual, a spark plug personalty, soothing when needed, good with story, ideas, thoughts, participate in the process. A few hours a day for the next week working at my production office. If you are in the biz or wanting to break in then of course I will help, but if it's just for cash and some adventure, that's cool too. SEND PIC for reply and why you are the girl.

I'm 42, 6ft, easy on the eyes, drk brn hair, blue eyes, fit and SANE. So please you be too. This should be fun for both. Mutual respect a must. CASH.

Sanity is important for this off-the-books gig, but only so long as it doesn't interfere with an applicant's inability to discern the boundaries between "inspiration" and "prostitution."

• WRITER NEEDS SEXY SMART MUSE [Craigslist]

Staff Needed Tropicana Bar holding open cal of Sat 3rd sept. from 4 to 5 pm.
Looking for barbacks, cocktail waitresses and bartenders.
Ask for Johnny
Roosevelt Hotel
7000 Hollywood Blvd

As with any undercover operation, remember that you're constantly being evaluated, and be prepared to prove that you belong. Earn Demme's loyalty by taking the initiative; the first time you take a sample drink order, glare back and ask, "Who the fuck do you think you are? Do I need to call security?" They'll be fitting you for an apron in no time.

• Staff Needed [Craigslist]
• Previously: Defamer Employment: Tropicana Staffing Up [Defamer]
• Amanda Scheer Demme Strikes Again [Defamer]

I own a dog park in the vacinity for A list dogs and I need a new pooper scooper. Last guy I had quit for no reason - he said it wasn't his style. Ok, we get Steven's dogs and Harvey's dogs and so many cool dogs, you couldn't believe - so there is room for a little socializing. But just a little - tact, grace, and charm are needed for this gig. I do it up real nice for the dogs. It's like a country club for dogs and their handlers. Everyone loves it and everyone should. Some of our A listers have strange demands and I am morally forbidden to say who - but some want their dogs' asses wiped after a bowel movement.

It's expected. Some are totally organic, Whole Foods and don't care; but those that do, demand the courtesy and respect from my scooper that only people of that caliber should. Anyway, the last guy I had on doo doo patrol always got around to wiping the asses of the wrong dogs and then totally ignoring the dogs who needed the wipe. Can you imagine! The nerve, he was such an idiot. Some of our members want their doggy excrement bagged up and recycled. He couldn't handle this task either. Some want their dog doo bagged up and carefully placed in the cooler of their Range Rover so they can bring it home for fertilizer. Rich people are cheap. We differentiate ourselves by the level of service and accomodations we provide. At 25K to join and monthly dues of $5500, our members can have anything they want. The operation is totally first class.

Even if such a magical place and the accompanying shit-collecting jobs didn't exist before, they almost certainly will now. There are just too many deals to be made while hovering over a squatting poodle for this kind of idea to be squandered.

• Dog Park for "A" List Dogs Needs New Pooper Scooper [Craigslist]

A newly renovated Hotel in Hollywood is looking for full time experienced Security Agents with great customer service background. Must be flexible to work different shifts. Ability to write reports and have CPR/First Aid experience and background a plus. We offer full benefits and free parking. Please apply at 7000 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood, CA or fax your resume at 323-xxx-xxxx

This recruitment drive also might have something to do with a brutal mugging we heard took place just outside the Roosevelt this weekend following producer Mike DeLuca's party there, after which a Paramount exec had to be hospitalized. Those CPR and first aid skills might come in handy for ugly incidents like this one, or just for the night-to-night maintenance of Courtney Love when she decides to party by the pool.

• Security Agents [Craigslist]

Television Exec needs personal assistant/masseuse
Hello! I'm an entertainment executive from New York (male, 34), live bi-coastally (frankly, on a plane :-), and am going to be in Los Angeles for the next 5 months on business, around 3 days a week.

I love my job, but tend to keep very long hours and travel schedules (100+ hours a week, incluing 300,000+ miles a year in flying). While I'm in Los Angeles, I'm looking for a smart, dynamic, personable gal with great hands, who can give me a couple of massages a week, and spend a few hours a week running errands (buying wine, dry-cleaning, helping with documents). You don't have to be certified in massage, just be personable, and have a good touch — this is primarily for relaxation, and because I don't have the time to make and break spa appointments.

I'm also looking for someone who can serve as an escort/assistant to several high profile entertainment functions I will have to attend. Outfits for the events included as perks. Looking for someone attractive, with social graces.

Errands/PA may include:

- Dryclean dropoff/pickup - Gift buying/drop-off - Escort/assistant to work functions

Your time committment can be extremely flexible, and will not require more than 4 to 5 hours a week of your time. I'm a fun, easy-going and relaxed fella, and will be willing to work around your full-time work schedule, if necessary.

Compensation will be $140 per hour for massage, and $50 per hour for errands/assistant work. Events that you attend will be paid at $400 per event, plus perks like the clothes. The job guarantees $400 per week minimum, and is no more than 4 to 5 hours of work a week (except when there's an event, there's 4 of them in the next 4 months). You must have a cell phone, and be relatively accessible.

I am interviewing this week, so early responses get first priority.

Please respond with a picture and phone number — I don't have ready access to email all the time.

Reply quickly, because at $140/release and $400/event plus clothes, headshots and resumes will be flooding in.

• Television Exec needs personal assistant/masseuse [Craigslist]