His account follows:

"You're bringing a book?" This was Tom Colicchio's reaction on seeing the paperback in the pocket of my Tux. Had that been a mistake?

It was 1.30pm when I got into the limo with Tom outside our hotel and the Emmys weren't due to start until 5pm. Even factoring in a bit of red carpet action, that was a lot of down time.

Top Chef was nominated for six Emmys this year, including one for hosting and one for outstanding reality show. As a regular judge on the show, I had been flown in by Bravo to attend the ceremony. It felt strange heading over to the event in a limousine with Tom. Back in my days as a hard-drinking rogue journalist I had crashed plenty of award shows, but I'd never been invited to one before.

Gail Simmons was also in the car and we discussed whether to rush the stage if Top Chef won in the hosting category. Technically, the hosts of the show are Tom and Padma — they were the named nominees — but I did my best to convince Gail that if we grabbed the Emmys before them we'd probably be able to keep them.

One of my closest friend in Los Angeles is a television writer and the previous night he'd told me about a similar stunt pulled by a couple of writers on a show he'd worked on that won a Golden Globe. These two writers weren't the named nominees, but they'd rushed the stage, hoping to grab the statuettes, only to be apprehended by security. Afterward, an official of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association came and sat down at their table and told them that all the writers on the show, including my friend, were entitled to take home a Globe. "All you have to do is fill out these forms," he said, pulling a sheaf of documents out of his pocket. The only snag was that they'd have to cough up $750 a piece. "Back then, the Globes weren't as big a deal as they are today," my friend explained. "In retrospect, I wish I'd handed over the cash."

Tom revealed that, as a nominee, he'd had to fill out a long questionnaire sent to him by the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences. "One of the questions said, ‘If you weren't an actor, what you be?'" revealed Tom. "I didn't know how to answer that one."

He'd also been sent an elaborate set of guidelines, telling him exactly how to behave if he won. If you were nominated as part of a group, only one member of the group was allowed to speak and if you went on for more than 40 seconds they would cue the orchestra to play you off. Tom didn't think this applied to the hosting category and if he and Padma won they were planning to speak for 15 seconds each.

"Who's going to speak first?" I asked.

"Padma."

"In that case, forget about it. She's just going to carry on talking until they cue the music."

In the event, this wasn't put to the test because the Emmy in question went to Jeff Probst for hosting Survivor. I had joked to Padma the night before that if she didn't win I was going to "do a Kanye", ie, storm the stage, grab the statuette and say, "This should have gone to Padma."

"Oh please, please, please do that," she said, her eyes sparking with mischief.

As anyone who watched the Emmys will know, good sense prevailed. One of the reasons I restrained myself is because I was convinced that Top Chef would win for outstanding reality show and that category was up next. I didn't want to tarnish what would be a proud moment for the show by behaving like a jackass. (There's quite enough of that in each episode.)

I carefully placed the book I'd brought under my chair. Gail and I really would be going up on stage if Top Chef won in this category — "We all go up," Tom explained — and I didn't want to be seen by 13 million people clutching a copy of Hold Tight by Harlan Coben.

Unfortunately, we didn't win for outstanding reality show either. For the third year running, Top Chef was beaten by The Amazing Race. A clip was shown in which a deaf contestant told the host that being in The Amazing Race meant the world to him because it proved that deaf people could achieve their dreams, too. This proved to be such an emotional moment that both the deaf man and the host broke down in tears. Cue rapturous applause in the Emmy auditorium. In the bar afterwards, I told Tom that if we wanted to stand a chance next year we'd have to get some contestants with disabilities.

"That's why we hired you Toby," he said.

Believe it or not, going home empty handed wasn't too much of a blow. We were up against 27 different reality shows in our category — that's how many official submissions there were — and to make it to the final shortlist of six was an achievement in itself. At least, that's what I kept telling myself as I headed off to the HBO party in my limo, reading Hold Tight. In any event, there's always next year …

1. "Actress 1, an Emmy nominee/winner, is married to a man. We"ve never thought that the marriage was fake, or that Actress 1 was anything other than straight. That's why it was rather puzzling as to why she was in the bathroom at the awards show with her arms around Actress 2. Actress 2 was not nominated for anything at the Emmy's, is not married, and has dated some high-profile men. But there was something odd about Actress 1's behavior. It looked as if Actress 2 was upset about something, and Actress 1 was trying to comfort her. Actress 1 kept hugging Actress 2 and stroking her hair and rubbing her back and pulling her closer. Then she would whisper something in her ear, and kiss her on her cheek, her forehead… and her lips. It was a little too close for comfort. Who kisses their friend on the lips." [Blind Gossip]

2. "At least two of the celebrities on the red carpet at yesterday's Emmy Awards paid for their date. You would think that just being invited to the Awards would be payment enough, but nope, it turns out that both of these companions wanted more than just tickets. Contrary to what you might be thinking, there was one male and one female who did the hiring yesterday. This C list actress from one of those initial shows is actually quite attractive. Very attractive and if she needs a date somewhere in the future she should give me a call instead of having to pay for one of the crew from the show to go with her. Oh, he wasn't technically a pro, but she paid him $1000 and bought him a suit. I don't know if dinner or drinks were included." [CDaN]

3. "One person who was most definitely a pro was the woman that this A list television actor brought to the awards. You know I say he is A list, but he won't be for long. I would tell you why he won't be A list for long but then it would give away his identity. My favorite role of his was actually a fairly small role on a different television series." [CDaN]

4. "The two celebrity couples are fairly publicly known as friends. They've been snapped going out together before and been known to double up or hang out. We're told that the two couples are no longer such BFF's since one of the B list males made a VERY inappropriate drunken pass at the other female that is not his wife. Since the incident, which we can only describe as awkward, with a lot of grabby/grabby action going on, the couples refuse to see one another. Not Posh and Becks." [BuzzFoto]

But in these last days of media, if there is a slim reed to grab on to, no one's going to turn that down. And if we can make it seem like there might be a place in the Mad Max media world of the future for Hollywood's attempts at a Chamber of Commerce dinner featuring anachronistic tuxedo-clad parades of acceptance speeches, then I'm buying!

Traditionally the Emmys have been the most hapless of awards shows, lacking the gravitas of the Oscars, the booziness of the Globes and the musicality of the Grammys (not to mention the ridiculousness of the People's Choice Awards, the glamor of the SAGs, the OMG'ness of the Teen Choice Awards, the controversy of the VMA's). Emmys have been right in middle, which in the dying awards sector is to say, nowhere.

Ratings were up for the Doogie Howser-hosted show. 13.3 million people tuned in last night, which is not quite two million more than watched the season premiere of Survivor.

The critics however, are all Lady Gaga for the brilliance of NPH. The LA Times wrote, "From the moment he walked onstage, itself a richer and more evocative setting than last year's bleak theater-in-the-round, you knew you were in good hands."

USA Today was positively besides itself, gushing about the brilliant success, "much of the credit goes to Harris, the show's dapper, constantly congenial host. Proving his Tony Awards stint was more than a flash-in-the-reward-show-host pan, Harris rescued the show from two years of reality-host miasma with style, grace and musical flair."

The NY Times labeled Howser, "genial and efficient" but decried the inside-jokeyness of the show, and of awards shows in general. The crusade for jokes that everyone can get is a venerable movement, dear to the hearts of newspaper editors and copy editors everywhere, and we're delighted to see the Times still standing by its worthiness in these final hours.

And the Washington Post's Tom Shales declared that NPH had turned the tide for all of media. "America's traditional old broadcast networks staged a comeback Sunday night at the 61st annual Emmy Awards and snatched a few of the key prizes back from cable channels that have been making inroads and all but staging raids, especially in the 21st century."

Our review: Doogie was a more affable version of the Hugh Jackman genial-quasi-old-school-glamorous-song-and-dance-man host model. The opening number was fun. Breaking things into categories sort of gave it some kinda continuity. But in the end, 90 percent of the show is reading lists of names and listening to pompous speeches punctuated by dumb jokes, and even a teenage doctor can't make that relevant for the modern age.

• Everyone loves Neil Patrick Harris. And how could they not? He came out singing cabaret and danced away with our undying love. Not that he didn't have it before. After this evening's turn as the show's host, we're pretty sure Harris should master the ceremonies of every Hollywood event ever. (By the way, Mediaite has the lyrics from the introductory number. Learn them. Live them. Love them.)
  
  
• Kristin Chenoweth will soon be the hardest working woman in Hollywood. The adorable actress — once known mostly to the Broadway crowd — stole the nation's heart by crying after winning best supporting actress for Pushing Daisies. The show's been canceled and Chenoweth, bless her, reminded the world that she needs a job: "I'm unemployed now, so I'd like to be on Mad Men. I also like The Office and 24."
  
  
• Tina Fey fans are upset that Toni Collette won the "best comedy actress" award for United States of Tara, which we actually enjoy. Well, Jeff Jarvis is upset, at least: the journalist and internet aficionado twittered, "best comedy actress was a crime." But, whatever, because Fey won for her SNL Sarah Palin impersonation.
  
  
• In other-SNL news, Justin Timberlake took home a trophy for his "Dick in a Box" routine. But that was announced last week, so hopefully you knew that.
  
  
• Sure, Fey didn't win, but that doesn't mean the Academy doesn't still love 30 Rock: the incredibly popular show won "best comedy series" and Alec Baldwin walked away with a "best actor" statuette. That's his second, for the record.
  
  
• Speaking of seconds: Mad Men again won "best drama series" and best writing for a drama series. Does this mean the show will continue to be a popular culture darling? Not if you ask Matthew Greenberg from True Slant — he thinks the consecutive win will alienate those who don't already watch it, because they'll think it's elitist.
  
  
• If Greenberg's right, there could also be a backlash against Glenn Close: the Damages star once again won for "best actress" in a drama series.
  
  
• Comedy Central's no doubt pleased with Jon Stewart and the Daily Show crew: they won "best writing" for a comedy, variety, etc series. And, yes, Stewart commended Neil's hosting abilities. He also made a joke about going backstage to watch football, which was competing on another network and became the butt of many tiresome jokes.
  
  
• LA Times writer Tom O'Neil has crowned Bill Maher the biggest Emmy loser in history because Maher, whose show was nominated in the aforementioned variety category, has lost 22 times over the course of his career.
  
  
• Remember how we said Harris should host everything? He may have some competition from Hugh Jackman, who won for original music for his Oscar dance routine.
  
  
• Hey, did you know Sarah McLachlan's still around? And she's still singing "I Will Remember You." While, yes, we should take a moment to recognize the departed — Bea Arthur! — certainly there's a less maudlin, predictable soundtrack.
  
  
• And on that note, here's a list of the winners.

It happened because the Emmys aren't really about "rewarding excellence" or whatever. Well, they sort of are, but not really. The Emmy people are also concerned with ratings, like the NASA guys on the space episode of The Simpsons ("These machines just measure ratings.."). So they widened all the categories, bringing in shows and actors that regular potato chip-strewn boob tubing idiots like. People like Jim Parsons from some hunk of horror called The Big Bang Theory. Other people like the Mean Guy Who Woos Andy Sachs from The Mentalist. And shows like Family Guy.

The reasoning being, what, exactly? That teenage boys who are obsessed with crude, sloppy, shamelessly Simpsons-derivative non sequitur humor will stop masturbating for two hours on a Sunday night to watch the freaking Emmys? Actually, no. No they will not. Nor will the people who were actually stupid enough to think the awards still had some sliver of meaning (Hi! I'm an idiot), because now they're just a dumb joke. We're thrilled that people like Kristen Wiig, Tracy Morgan, Aaron Paul, and Drew Barrymore got recognized for their tremendously good work this year, but really it doesn't mean much of anything, does it?

Oh God, the 10-nominee Best Picture Oscar category is going to be a doozy isn't it?

Full nominations list.

The Emmy voters should watch this, also:

Here are the nominees, via Variety:

COMEDY SERIES

"Entourage"
"Family Guy
"Flight of the Conchords"
"How I Met Your Mother"
"The Office"
"30 Rock"
"Weeds"

DRAMA SERIES

"Big Love"
"Breaking Bad"
"Damages"
"Dexter"
"House"
"Lost"
"Mad Men"

MINISERIES

"Generation Kill" (HBO)
"Little Dorrit" (PBS)

ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Alec Baldwin - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Steve Carell - "The Office" (NBC)
Jemaine Clement - "Flight Of The Conchords" (HBO)
Jim Parsons - "The Big Bang Theory" (CBS)
Tony Shalhoub - "Monk" (USA)
Charlie Sheen - "Two And A Half Men" (CBS)

ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Simon Baker - "The Mentalist" (CBS)
Gabriel Byrne - "In Treatment" (HBO)
Bryan Cranston - "Breaking Bad" (AMC)
Michael C. Hall - "Dexter" (Showtime)
Jon Hamm - "Mad Men" (AMC)
Hugh Laurie - "House" (Fox)

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Christina Applegate - "Samantha Who?" (ABC)
Toni Collette - "United States Of Tara" (Showtime)
Tina Fey - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - "The New Adventures Of Old Christine" (CBS)
Sarah Silverman - "The Sarah Silverman Program" (Comedy Central)
Mary-Louise Parker - "Weeds" (Showtime)

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Glenn Close as Patty Hewes - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Sally Field - "Brothers & Sisters" (ABC)
Holly Hunter - "Saving Grace" (TNT)
Mariska Hargitay - "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (NBC)
Kyra Sedgwick - "The Closer" (TNT)
Elisabeth Moss - "Mad Men" (AMC)

MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIE

"Coco Chanel" (Lifetime)
"Grey Gardens" (HBO)
"Into The Storm" (HBO)
"Prayers For Bobby" (Lifetime)
"Taking Chance" (HBO)

REALITY HOST

Tom Bergeron - "Dancing With The Stars" (ABC)
Phil Keoghan - "The Amazing Race" (CBS)
Heidi Klum - "Project Runway" (Bravo)
Padma Lakshmi, Tom Colicchio - "Top Chef" (Bravo)
Jeff Probst - "Survivor" (CBS)
Ryan Seacrest - "American Idol" (Fox)

ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Kevin Klien - "Cyrano de Bergerac" ("Great Performances") (PBS)
Brendan Gleeson - "Into The Storm"(HBO)
Sir Ian McKellen - "King Lear" ("Great Performances") (PBS)
Kevin Bacon - "Taking Chance" (HBO)
Kiefer Sutherland - "24: Redemption" (Fox)
Kenneth Branagh - "Wallander: One Step Behind" (PBS

ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Drew Barrymore - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Jessica Lange - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Shirley MacLaine - "Coco Chanel" (Lifetime)
Sigourney Weaver - "Prayers For Bobby" (Lifetime)
Chandra Wilson - "Accidental Friendship" (Hallmark Channel)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY

Jon Cryer - "Two And A Half Men" (CBS)
Kevin Dillon - "Entourage" (HBO)
Neil Patrick Harris - "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS)
Jack McBrayer - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Tracy Morgan - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Rainn Wilson - "The Office" (NBC)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA

Christian Clemenson - "Boston Legal" (ABC)
Michael Emerson - "Lost" (ABC)
William Hurt - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Aaron Paul - "Breaking Bad" (AMC)
William Shatner - "Boston Legal" (ABC)
John Slattery - "Mad Men" (AMC)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Len Cariou - "Into The Storm" (HBO)
Tom Courtenay - "Little Dorrit" (PBS)
Ken Howard - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Bob Newhart - "The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice" (TNT)
Andy Serkis - "Little Dorrit" (PBS)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY

Kristin Chenoweth - "Pushing Daisies" (ABC)
Jane Krakowski - "30 Rock" (NBC)
Elizabeth Perkins - "Weeds" (Showtime)
Amy Poehler - "Saturday Night Live" (NBC)
Kristen Wiig - "Saturday Night Live" (NBC)
Vanessa Williams - "Ugly Betty" (ABC)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA

Rose Byrne - "Damages" (FX Networks)
Hope Davis - "In Treatment" (HBO)
Cherry Jones - "24" (Fox)
Sandra Oh - "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)
Chandra Wilson - "Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Shohreh Aghdashloo - "House Of Saddam" (HBO)
Marcia Gay Harden - "The Courageous Heart Of Irena Sendler" (Hallmark

Hall Of Fame Presentation) (CBS)
Janet McTeer - "Into The Storm" (HBO)
Jeanne Tripplehorn - "Grey Gardens" (HBO)
Cicely Tyson - "Relative Stranger" (Hallmark Channel)

While it appears that the expansion of the nominees is designed to reward those eternally on-the-bubble critical favorites who can never sneak into the final five, the Academy also announced that it is dismantling the "blue-ribbon" panel it recently instituted to help guide worthy nominees there in the first place. That panel was convened after too many good shows were passed up in a dunderheaded general vote; without the quality committee in place to help cull the entire membership's vote down, that sixth slot will probably be filled with representatives from generic CBS sitcoms and crime dramas that go heavy on the acronyms, like CSI and Law & Order: SVU.

So, good news, Jon Cryer, Christopher Meloni, and the actors from Big Bang Theory! You now face even less of a challenge from Battlestar Galactica and Weeds. Enjoy your comfy new leg room!

• Fresh Meat for 30 Rock: Emmys Expand Nominations [E!]

"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]

On the topic of likes and dislikes, Fey said that when she hears the expression "President Palin," she thinks to herself, "I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5." To the gathered journalists she added, "So, if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me."

Further pressed on what she thinks of her uncanny physical similarity to the GOP vice-presidential hopeful, Fey responded, "First of all, I was very resistant to acknowledge that there was a resemblance. Then my kid saw Sarah Palin on TV and said, 'There's Mommy.' "

Sadly, Palin then had Fey's child fired, further punctuating the sad fact that even Fey's virtual comedy sweep (accurately predicted by Defamer!) isn't enough to stop journalists from playing a game of "This Thing Looks Like That Thing." We're sad it's come to this, but if Liz Lemon shows up on 30 Rock this season suddenly rocking contact lenses and a blonde bob, Fey will be the only person in America who can safely be called blameless.

• Tina Fey's Emmy Loss – Her Purse [People]

Boomp3.com

Lost castaway Evangeline Lilly returned to the mainland to participate the 60th Annual Emmy Awards on Sunday night. As she walked the luxurious red carpet, Lilly was asked if she ever thought about getting any plastic surgery in the future. Lilly chuckled slightly, then demonstrated what her face may look like if she got the Joan Rivers special. In a cruel twist of fate, Rivers happened to be watching the ceremony through her crystal ball and summoned up a few evil spirits in order to cast a spell that froze Lilly's face that like for a week. Lilly mumbled as she walked, “That Joan Rivers serves a cold and bitter dish of revenge. The make up call times that I'm going to need to fix this hex aren’t going to be fun, either.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - James Spader
Breaking Bad - Bryan Cranston
Dexter - Michael C. Hall
House - Hugh Laurie
In Treatment - Gabriel Byrne
Mad Men - Jon Hamm

Don't even bother, House fans. Though Hugh Laurie turned in the compelling, two-hour season finale as his submission, Emmy voters love three-time winner James Spader, and his submission (which finds him passionately arguing a case before the Supreme Court) provides Spader with his biggest tour-de-force yet. If he's ever to lose, it won't be this year.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters - Sally Field
The Closer - Kyra Sedgwick
Damages - Glenn Close
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Mariska Hargitay
Saving Grace - Holly Hunter

A toss-up! In a category filled with film refugees deigning to do TV (which Emmy loves), Sally Field won last year and notoriously gave a bleeped speech that will only solidify her as the incumbent in voters' memories. Her biggest threat is the cool, nefarious Close, but we'll side with inertia and predict Field as the winner once more.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - William Shatner
Damages - Ted Danson
Damages - Zeljko Ivanek
Lost - Michael Emerson
Mad Men - John Slattery

All but two of the nominees are newcomers to this category, and last year's winner Terry O'Quinn is nowhere to be found. We think voters will reward his co-star, Lost MVP Michael Emerson, whose blockbuster episode submission included horse-riding, piano playing, action scenes, foreign languages, and a juicy scene grieving the death of his daughter. Plus, Emerson is no Emmy novice: he won the award in 2001 for guest-starring on The Practice.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - Candice Bergen
Brothers & Sisters - Rachel Griffiths
Grey's Anatomy - Sandra Oh
Grey's Anatomy - Chandra Wilson
In Treatment - Dianne Wiest

If the category seems oddly mild this year, it's because of 2007 winner Katherine Heigl's infamous decision to pull her name out of consideration. As a reward to the co-stars who bit their lips and suffered in silence, we expect either Oh or Wilson to pull through as the winner, with a slight edge to Oh (after all, she once had to deal with Isaiah Washington, too).

Outstanding Drama Series
Boston Legal
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

For party crashers Damages and Dexter, it's an honor just to be nominated. Like them, Mad Men is little-seen, but the difference is that it's watched by all the right people (and heavily appeals to older Emmy voters), so we expect a first-season surge to victory. What Would Don Draper Do if he had to go home empty-handed?

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Alec Baldwin
Monk - Tony Shalhoub
The Office - Steve Carell
Pushing Daisies - Lee Pace
Two and a Half Men - Charlie Sheen

With last year's surprise winner Ricky Gervais out of the mix, the stage is set for Alec Baldwin to take home the first of what will most likely be several Emmys for his role as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. Clinching the deal? Baldwin submitted the episode containing this season's instant classic therapy scene:

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Tina Fey
The New Adventures of Old Christine - Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Samantha Who? - Christina Applegate
Ugly Betty - America Ferrera
Weeds - Mary-Louise Parker

If this is not Tina Fey, Sarah Palin will have all the Emmy voters fired.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Entourage - Kevin Dillon
Entourage - Jeremy Piven
How I Met Your Mother - Neil Patrick Harris
The Office - Rainn Wilson
Two and a Half Men - Jon Cryer

While Neil Patrick Harris has had a career-best year, How I Met Your Mother is still little-seen. The Emmys fear change, especially in the comedy category (five-time winner Candice Bergen and four-time winner John Laroquette both eventually withdrew their names to give other actors a chance), so this award should go to the Pivs in a walk.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Pushing Daisies - Kristin Chenoweth
Samantha Who? - Jean Smart
Saturday Night Live - Amy Poehler
Two and a Half Men - Holland Taylor
Ugly Betty - Vanessa Williams

My Name is Earl's Jaime Pressly took home this award last year, but this time she's not even nominated (neither was dark horse Jenna Fischer for The Office). Kudos to Amy Poehler for becoming the first modern Saturday Night Live performer to score a supporting actor nomination, but Emmy loves a veteran, so we expect this to go to two-time winner Jean Smart.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
The Office
Two and a Half Men

Curb Your Enthusiasm is a weak-fill in for last year's nominee Ugly Betty; frankly, we're surprised that the dazzling Pushing Daisies pilot couldn't muster up the votes to fill that fifth slot (the strike-truncated season could have sapped its momentum). All the buzz is with 30 Rock right now — not only did it win in this category last year, but none of its challengers are coming off their best seasons. If anything besides Tina Fey's expertly crafted sitcom wins, we promise to liveblog an episode of Two and a Half Men as penance.

HUNG BLACK ESCORT NEEDED FOR EMMY AWARDS (Awards and after parties)

I am looking for a hung black escort to attend the Emmy Awards with me. The escort must wear flimsy white linen slacks that will be tailored and provided. Cockring ok—no underwear.

No money involved. Must attend the Emmy Awards and a couple after-parties with me. Fuck around with whoever you like, but flimsy, white linen slacks must be worn with no underwear — a cockring is preferred. Escort can be white but prefer black. Must be hung however. Have fun and meet the right men.

Lets have some fun!

Included with the ad was the accompanying photo (we've black-barred out all faces to protect the innocent). Interested and appropriately equipped parties take note, however: We make no guarantees that the blonde man gleefully sniffing the trophy's signature rubber-band ball will be the same one who'll be similarly inspecting your white-linen-wrapped goods (post-Labor Day fashion bylaws be damned!) after Sunday night's big event.

• HUNG BLACK ESCORT NEEDED FOR EMMY AWARDS (Awards and after parties) [Craigslist]

"No way!" she gasped in her seat when she heard her name called as winner. Upon arriving at the podium, she gasped, "Well, well, well! Here we go again, f—ers. Here we go again!" Looking around the auditorium, she acknowledged some celebs in the audience, adding, "Hanks, Gandolfini — what the f—! I'm not going to tell anyone to suck it. I would make love to this thing if I could."

The evening's other winners included best guest actor Tim Conway for the sweet, old (perverted, racist) writer, wandering, Studio 60-style, around the 30 Rock halls, and best guest actress Cynthia Nixon, for her character with multiple-personality-disorder on SVU. (All of the personalities were up for the same award.) HBO's John Adams took eight trophies—the evening's most—while Mad Men won the most series awards with four, including best cinematography. Silverman's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon," meanwhile, took two: best music and lyrics, and best editing of clip packages, for which it tied with American Idol. She dedicated the award to the man who "broke her heart – who'll always have a place in my heart." Variety has the full list of winners.

[Photo credit: Variety]

• Kathy Griffin wins an Emmy — and shocks — again [Gold Derby]
• Emmys: 210 minutes of Creative Arts awards [Variety]

The creator and exec producer of AMC's critical darling is set to make the rounds of the majors in the next few weeks as he shops for a big-bucks overall deal. The timing is hardly accidental, given the approach of Sept. 21's Primetime Emmy Awards, in which "Mad Men" is a top contender with 16 noms.

It's understood that "Mad Men" producer Lionsgate TV and AMC have just begun their discussions on a third-season pickup for the period ensembler. Weiner's continued involvement with the show, a passion project that he nurtured as a spec for years before getting a yes from AMC, is sure to be part of those talks.

What a Mad Men might look like without the notoriously (from what we hear) controlling showrunner would be difficult to imagine, though it's safe to say that minus Weiner's indelible creative imprint, the AMC drama would be in danger of morphing into a different series altogether. We'd hate to see Season 3 begin with the title card "23 Years Later..." only to find our treasured rotation of series regulars replaced by cheaper unknowns, puzzling over how best to market a Rubik's Cube as Sterling Cooper discovers its wackier side in the Me Decade.

• Showrunner shops for 'Mad' money [Variety]