"I was shocked that the suits at AOL have no humor . . . But that's OK. I've been gagged more times than Linda Lovelace. AOL is like Holocaust deniers. They want us to believe 6 million Jews spent World War II in Boca and Anne Frank was in an attic for two years looking for Christmas ornaments."

Joan, it's one thing to take on Russell Crowe (or even the Girl Scouts) but Forrest Gump himself? Go after Hanks, and soon enough the only place you'll be allowed to do red carpet commentary is on a Geocities page, nestled amid blinking unicorn .gifs. Video of all the relevant Rivers moments is up above — as a bonus, we've even included Joan's "Eva Longoria Porker" crack. Enjoy!

• AOL GAGS RIVERS' RANTS [NY Post]

On the topic of likes and dislikes, Fey said that when she hears the expression "President Palin," she thinks to herself, "I want to be done playing this lady Nov. 5." To the gathered journalists she added, "So, if anybody can help me be done playing this lady Nov. 5, that would be good for me."

Further pressed on what she thinks of her uncanny physical similarity to the GOP vice-presidential hopeful, Fey responded, "First of all, I was very resistant to acknowledge that there was a resemblance. Then my kid saw Sarah Palin on TV and said, 'There's Mommy.' "

Sadly, Palin then had Fey's child fired, further punctuating the sad fact that even Fey's virtual comedy sweep (accurately predicted by Defamer!) isn't enough to stop journalists from playing a game of "This Thing Looks Like That Thing." We're sad it's come to this, but if Liz Lemon shows up on 30 Rock this season suddenly rocking contact lenses and a blonde bob, Fey will be the only person in America who can safely be called blameless.

• Tina Fey's Emmy Loss – Her Purse [People]

Boomp3.com

Opting to go without her trademark glasses, Emmy nominee Tina Fey still had to fight off the Sarah Palin comparisons and questions while leaving LAX baggage claim. Even the limo driver assumed that she was the wildly popular vice presidential candidate. Fey explained that she just played the Alaskan air huntress in a sketch and that she was becoming a bit tired of the comparisons. “She hunts moose and doesn’t know a thing about password protection," Fey said. "I made Saturday Night Live watchable for four years. I think I have more executive experience than her. Serkplatt!”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - James Spader
Breaking Bad - Bryan Cranston
Dexter - Michael C. Hall
House - Hugh Laurie
In Treatment - Gabriel Byrne
Mad Men - Jon Hamm

Don't even bother, House fans. Though Hugh Laurie turned in the compelling, two-hour season finale as his submission, Emmy voters love three-time winner James Spader, and his submission (which finds him passionately arguing a case before the Supreme Court) provides Spader with his biggest tour-de-force yet. If he's ever to lose, it won't be this year.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters - Sally Field
The Closer - Kyra Sedgwick
Damages - Glenn Close
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - Mariska Hargitay
Saving Grace - Holly Hunter

A toss-up! In a category filled with film refugees deigning to do TV (which Emmy loves), Sally Field won last year and notoriously gave a bleeped speech that will only solidify her as the incumbent in voters' memories. Her biggest threat is the cool, nefarious Close, but we'll side with inertia and predict Field as the winner once more.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - William Shatner
Damages - Ted Danson
Damages - Zeljko Ivanek
Lost - Michael Emerson
Mad Men - John Slattery

All but two of the nominees are newcomers to this category, and last year's winner Terry O'Quinn is nowhere to be found. We think voters will reward his co-star, Lost MVP Michael Emerson, whose blockbuster episode submission included horse-riding, piano playing, action scenes, foreign languages, and a juicy scene grieving the death of his daughter. Plus, Emerson is no Emmy novice: he won the award in 2001 for guest-starring on The Practice.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Boston Legal - Candice Bergen
Brothers & Sisters - Rachel Griffiths
Grey's Anatomy - Sandra Oh
Grey's Anatomy - Chandra Wilson
In Treatment - Dianne Wiest

If the category seems oddly mild this year, it's because of 2007 winner Katherine Heigl's infamous decision to pull her name out of consideration. As a reward to the co-stars who bit their lips and suffered in silence, we expect either Oh or Wilson to pull through as the winner, with a slight edge to Oh (after all, she once had to deal with Isaiah Washington, too).

Outstanding Drama Series
Boston Legal
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

For party crashers Damages and Dexter, it's an honor just to be nominated. Like them, Mad Men is little-seen, but the difference is that it's watched by all the right people (and heavily appeals to older Emmy voters), so we expect a first-season surge to victory. What Would Don Draper Do if he had to go home empty-handed?

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Alec Baldwin
Monk - Tony Shalhoub
The Office - Steve Carell
Pushing Daisies - Lee Pace
Two and a Half Men - Charlie Sheen

With last year's surprise winner Ricky Gervais out of the mix, the stage is set for Alec Baldwin to take home the first of what will most likely be several Emmys for his role as Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock. Clinching the deal? Baldwin submitted the episode containing this season's instant classic therapy scene:

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
30 Rock - Tina Fey
The New Adventures of Old Christine - Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Samantha Who? - Christina Applegate
Ugly Betty - America Ferrera
Weeds - Mary-Louise Parker

If this is not Tina Fey, Sarah Palin will have all the Emmy voters fired.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
Entourage - Kevin Dillon
Entourage - Jeremy Piven
How I Met Your Mother - Neil Patrick Harris
The Office - Rainn Wilson
Two and a Half Men - Jon Cryer

While Neil Patrick Harris has had a career-best year, How I Met Your Mother is still little-seen. The Emmys fear change, especially in the comedy category (five-time winner Candice Bergen and four-time winner John Laroquette both eventually withdrew their names to give other actors a chance), so this award should go to the Pivs in a walk.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
Pushing Daisies - Kristin Chenoweth
Samantha Who? - Jean Smart
Saturday Night Live - Amy Poehler
Two and a Half Men - Holland Taylor
Ugly Betty - Vanessa Williams

My Name is Earl's Jaime Pressly took home this award last year, but this time she's not even nominated (neither was dark horse Jenna Fischer for The Office). Kudos to Amy Poehler for becoming the first modern Saturday Night Live performer to score a supporting actor nomination, but Emmy loves a veteran, so we expect this to go to two-time winner Jean Smart.

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Entourage
The Office
Two and a Half Men

Curb Your Enthusiasm is a weak-fill in for last year's nominee Ugly Betty; frankly, we're surprised that the dazzling Pushing Daisies pilot couldn't muster up the votes to fill that fifth slot (the strike-truncated season could have sapped its momentum). All the buzz is with 30 Rock right now — not only did it win in this category last year, but none of its challengers are coming off their best seasons. If anything besides Tina Fey's expertly crafted sitcom wins, we promise to liveblog an episode of Two and a Half Men as penance.