Never mind 90210 actress Shenae Grimes, who, well, stinks. Drake, who was born Aubrey Drake Graham, actually has talent. For true! And, more than that, he's doing quite well.

His single "Best I Ever Had" was number one on Billboard's R&B and rap charts. And another single, "Successful," reached number three. Numbers, of course, don't make the man, so let's examine the aforementioned tracks.

First, "Best I Ever Had." Yes, this song's about how some "ho" absolutely wants Drake's bizness, but, despite the egotistical bravado, "Best" actually comes across as rather sweet: "You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice." Awww, our cold heart's thawing!

Now, "Successful." We've included the video above. While Drake does sing about wanting hoes, money and cars, he also warns "too much will kill ya." There's no room for greed here, for modest success, he insists, quite charmingly, is far more important. Being ostentatious simply isn't for him. He's far too sensitive.
Even if you disagree with our take on this, hopefully you can agree the 22-year old far outshines his formerDegrassi castmates. This is assuming, of course, that the CW's Vampire Diaries, which stars another Degrassi actress, Nina Dobrev, will suck. Which it will.

Regardless of your opinion, there's no doubt Drake will get far in the wild world of music. He's already worked with the annoying-yet-talented Kanye, musical genius Lil Wayne, Eminem and Trey Songz. If that combination can't help him beat the competition, nothing will.

Sample Carey "jabs":

"You're so lame....Ooh boy, why you so obsessed with me? Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn't impress/Last man on the earth/still couldn't get this."

Between MTV's Bruno stunt and Mariah's doppelganger performance, it looks like Eminem has become more participant/victim of celebrity pranks than actually well you know, doing anything.

In an interview with Rap Radar, Eminem said this:

Sacha called me when we were in Europe and he had an idea to do something outrageous at the Movie Awards. I'm a big fan of his work, so I agreed to get involved with the gag....After the ceremony I went back to my hotel and laughed uncontrollably for about three hours. Especially after I saw it on air....I'm thrilled that we pulled this off better than we rehearsed it. It had so many people going nuts so to speak. Everyone was blowing me up about it.

Yeah, like we really needed to hear this to close the case, but whatever.

In other news, remember that time Jimmy "SuperFly" Snuka had to be carried out on a stretcher at Wrestlemania after taking a piledriver from The Undertaker? That was fake too.

Really people? Some of you actually fell for this?! Did the fact that cameras were focusing on Eminem while Bruno was early in his descension from the ceiling AND the fact that he was miked for sound not give that away to you? Geez! Well, just in case there was any doubt, one of the show's writers, Scott Aukerman, announced tonight on his Tumblr that it was definitely staged.

Yes, the Bruno/Eminem incident was staged. That's all anyone wants to talk about, so let's get it out of the way. They rehearsed it at dress and yes, it went as far as it did on the live show then.

So there you go! Bruno/Eminem = Mancow waterboarding. Totally fake! Aukerman must have spoken without permission though, because as Animal points out, the post in question has been deleted from his Tumblr. Woooo...controversy!

The bit was funny and all, but anyone who believed for a minute that this was real needs to immediately find a urinal and drown themselves in it. We're serious.

The Final Word on Eminem/Bruno: It Was Staged, Writes Head Writer [LA Times]
Eminem Was In On Bruno's Ass Stunt Says Head Writer [Animal]

This is almost without question a staged "controversy," what with Eminem screaming "get this motherfucker off of me" after the cameras had already focused in on him in the audience while Cohen was still in the air, but it's funny as hell nonetheless. We had tears in our eyes. Enjoy.

But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

Christopher Ciccone, Life With My Sister Madonna, Summer 2008: As the NY Post reports today, Madonna’s estranged gay brother has rushed out a “brutal” tell-all about growing up with the promiscuous and outspoken runaway, and we need only wait til next month to read the gruesome details: “’It's extremely graphic and devastating,’ said a source who declined to give details. ‘He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it.’”
Donna Hogan, Train Wreck, 2007: Taking greedy advantage of sister Anna Nicole’s tragic and sudden death, Hogan’s aim seemed to be pure fame and cash. Portraying Anna as a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs all over television and in interviews, Hogan wound up looking like, and admitting to, being a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs. Well done.
Vernon Winfrey, Things Unspoken, Unreleased: Though Oprah-fearing publishers have yet to offer Winfrey’s father a deal, excerpts from the manuscript painted a much-maligned and hateful picture of the rags-to-riches billionaire’s childhood: “Children need roots and limits and discipline. (And I don't mean time in time out. I mean the rod of correction, swung hard and often.)...Our daughter was out of hand, an unruly child...she stayed out all times of night and lied regarding her whereabouts, said she made herself known to boys.”

J.R. Watkins, Cleaning Out My Closet, 2002: Though not technically related to Eminem, Jenny Watkins was a close friend of the rapper and on-and-off wife Kim during his highest heights — and by high, we mean Jenny spends page after page discussing both Em’s and Kim’s drug use. From coke binges to Xanax addictions, Watkins portrays the couple as the modern-day Sid and Nancy with chapter titles like “Tossed Aside Like Garbage,” “Kim And Drugs,” and “White Trash.”
Nancy Aniston, From Mother And Daughter To Friends, 1999: One of the more depressing stories, Nancy reportedly mocked Jennifer’s appearance before she got the nose job and the big break, tried to reconcile once she did , but eventually took the low road by publishing this intimate book about Jen’s tumultuous childhood. The outcome? The two remain estranged, and in a public display of Aniston’s anger, she did not invite Nancy to her big, beautiful and doomed wedding to Brad Pitt the next year.

[Photo credit: OK!]

• LYNNE SPEARS'S MEMOIR SET FOR FALL RELEASE [People]

• Foster Quotes Eminem at Penn Graduation [Yahoo/AP]

Christopher Duncan, 21, pleaded guilty last week to killing Jagdip Najran, 26, a law student and aspiring singer.

Prosecutors said Najran, who studied at London Metropolitan University, met Duncan at a karaoke bar last year and was smitten with him after watching him perform. On May 13 at his apartment, Duncan, who has the same hair color, style and tattoos as the rapper, beat her with a metal baseball bat. Medical experts testified Najran did not die for at least an hour after being struck.

We have no idea where Duncan may have found the inspiration for his brutal hate crime; certainly not from Eminem's lyrics, such as this nursery rhyme couplet from "Bonnie and Clyde '97," recited to the sounds of his own daughter's cooing:

Da-Da made a nice bed for Mommy at the bottom of the lake. Here, you wanna help Da-Da tie a rope around this rock? We'll tie it to her footsie and we'll roll her off the dock

Obviously, Duncan's elaborate homage to his hero failed to take into account that Eminem, as once described in a Slate review entitled Eminem: The rapper is sadistic, misogynistic, and fantastic, is "a murderous rapper for an ironic age. It's OK to be a sociopath, as long as you can laugh about it."

Ha, ha.

• Eminem Impersonator Faces Life in Prison [AP]
• Eminem, Dolls dethrone Madonna on UK charts [Reuters]
• Eminem: The rapper is sadistic, misogynistic, and fantastic. [Slate]

Related: Gawker notices that Google News doesn't see color. If the world of hip-hop operated on the same principles, the climactic battle at the end of 8 Mile wouldn't have been nearly as charged.

UPDATE: The Detriot Free Press says it's Ambien addiction resulting from problems with insomnia. That's better than the generic "sleeping meds" reference, but to someone conditioned to be as reflexively skeptical as we are, the "inevitable effects of insomnia, which often include severe disorientation and loss of short-term memory" could also be caused by other fun substances one might put in one's body. We're just sayin'.

• Eminem in Rehab for Sleep Medication [AP]