• Or at least he was over Christmas, when he was only allowed to send a brief text message to his worried parents. At 50 years old, the man's grandmother is younger than the witch Madonna, who has at press time taken the form of a heap of sand and chicken bones that lurches across the plains. We'll keep you notified if any more children go missing or if, God forbid, she takes her Shadow form and can therefore easily enter any home, at any time. [NYP]
• Lindsay Lohan and her wife of 29 years Samantha Ronson got in a spat on a New York street as they returned to their hotel last night. "Samantha Judith Ronson, why are you doing this to me?" Lindsay called after her lover, who was stomping back to the Bowery Hotel in stony silence. When they got back to their room, Samantha was moodily flipping through the channels and Lindsay said "well fine then." In the car ride back home Lindsay said only one thing: "You missed the exit, Sam." Samantha cursed loudly and hit the steering wheel. Once they'd finally made it home and were sitting eating a painful, silent dinner at the dining room table—do they really need this big table now that the kids are gone?—Lindsay whimpered a bit and said "I just wanted it to be a nice vacation." Samantha nodded her head and said, "I know. I know. I'm sorry." And they went to bed and when they woke up, it was a new day and there were new things to be done. [NYP]
• Ageless actress Ellen Barkin is filming a TV pilot for HBO in which a sassy blond lady divorces a high-powered asshole. So it's basically her Ron Perelman story. In the TV show, Ron dies in the first episode. [Rush & Malloy]
• Rapper M.I.A. has given birth to a baby boy. Insiders at the hospital say that it's kind of strange looking at first but then you see all the crazy eccentricities in him and you start to like him and then you can't get him out of your head and you think he's maybe talking about like immigration or refugees or something? But you can't really tell. After a while, though, you just want him to go away. [Us]
• Now that she's all famous, Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto has dumped her boyfriend of four years. Citing irreconcilable loserdom, Pinto told courts "he just doesn't get it, you know?" The boyfriend, Rohan Antao, was reportedly last seen at a sports bar, pointing to the TV when an ad for the film came on and glumly saying to the bartender "Yeah, her. No man, I swear." [Showbiz Spy]

In today's episode: Catherine Keener; Leonardo DiCaprio and Kevin Connolly; Tommy Lee Jones; Jon Voight; Michael Cera and Mandy Moore; Ellen Barkin, Perry Reeves, and Eddie Kaye Thomas; Courteney Cox Arquette, David Arquette, and Powers Boothe; Kirsten Dunst, an Olsen twin, John Hawkes, Dayton Callie, Paula Malcomson, and Garret Dillahunt; Jonah Hill; Nicole Richie and Joel Madden; Adam Levine and Clea DuVall; Seth Green; Tim Meadows; Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart; Vanessa Williams and Rick Fox; Mike Tyson; Valerie Harper; Jeff Gordon, Dominick Dunne, and Rachel Zoe; and Suge Knight.

· Went to the Wilco show last night- 8/29 at the Greek Theater. They played their last song, and I'm walking out of the aisle when this woman barrels down on me obviously in a rush. She apologizes over and over again and calls me sweetheart. I suddenly recognize the distinct voice of Catherine Keener. She apologizes again. Very nice and cool for being a Wilco fan. Love her.

· On Monday night (August 27) - I saw the infamous Leonardo DiCaprio roll in to the Viper Room at about 11:15pm wearing jeans, a black long sleeved shirt and a brown tweed newsboy cap. He was alone.

He watched the band - Blackcowboy - whom he's had perform at events and in a movie he produced.

But then I saw Kevin Connolly running down the strip to meet up with his buddy, Leo.

· It's been the week of middle-aged-transitioning-to-older tough white guy actors. Today (8/30) at Clementine Jon Voight snagged our table as we got up to leave. He was quite smiley and friendly enough for an irascible type. Might need to lay off the facial cosmetic treatments, though; he's looking a little plasticized.

And forgot to report — Tommy Lee Jones walking into Orso this past Sunday around lunchtime.

· Tuesday, Aug 28. Café Stella in Silver Lake: Michael Cera on a romantic dinner date with Mandy Moore. Cripes, you can have Valderrama and Braff, Mandy, but do you really need Cera too? He was supposed to be my boyfriend, but I had the decency to wait until he sprouted some more pube before making my big move.

· at the 8/29 wilco show at the greek theatre... c-level sightings of eddie kaye thomas (american pie epics and fox's unwatchable 'til death) and perry reeves (ari's shrewish wife on entourage). but classing the place up was cougariffic ellen barkin...

· I guess seeing celebs at the Dodgers Dugout Club is like shooting fish in a barrel, but, August 28th game, end of the seventh, we see owner Frank McCourt and a lot of security in the bar and then the front of David Arquette and the back of Courteney Cox Arquette. Boy, is he good looking in person! Courteney, your work here is done.

And as we were leaving, Powers Boothe in the cheaper seats. Do I get any points for that one?

· Tuesday August 28 at Spaceland. Tiny and cute Kirsten Dunst, and an equally tiny but not as cute Olsen twin (God help me, I have no idea which one). They rocked out a bit to King Straggler, but didn't see them after that. It was a benefit for a very cool local theatre company, so thanks Kiki for (most likely inadvertently) supporting the arts! Also many Deadwood/John from Cincinnati alums - since John Hawkes (Sol Starr) is in King Straggler. Dayton Callie, Paula Malcomson, Garret Dillahunt...but this is for "celebrities" not "brilliant semi-recognizable character actors" right?

· 8/27 - Jonah Hill, just standing on the corner of Fairfax and Oakwood near the Out of the Closet thriftstore, using his cell phone. I had the distinct feeling EVERY CAR passing him was going 'hey, it's the kid from Superbad, you know, the one not from Arrested Development' as they drove past this busy corner.

· Out for some Labor Day frozen yogurt to ease the pain of the sweltering heat in the valley, I instantly recognized the easily identifiable tattooed-ness of Joel Madden and then realized that the girl in front of him was Nicole Richie. They were headed into the Coffee Bean next to Studio Yogurt at Laurel Canyon and Ventura. Satisfying some pregnancy cravings?

· Sunday, Aug 26th...A cornucopia of celebrity sightings. Adam Levine and Clea DuVall, both at Mustard Seed Cafe on Hillhurst, dining separately. Levine is hotter than expected, she looks just like she's looked the 9,000 other times I've seen her in Los Feliz. That afternoon at The Grove, saw Tim Meadows on my way into the movies, where I then saw Seth Green (cue the standard: "he's so short!" reaction) at the afternoon showing of Superbad. Post-movie (loved it, btw. Viva Michael Cera), went to Barney's Coop and saw Kirsten Dunst, where the cashier loudly and embarrassingly thanked Dunst for shopping there. Ugh.

· Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart at Cafe Mauro for a late Saturday lunch. With four Hipster friends. They both looked very east coast preppy (baseball hats, chinos, white Ts). But left looking very Hollywood/Bling in a black Caddy DTS with chrome shoes.

· Sunday night/ August 27th- Vanessa Williams and Rick Fox with kids at California Adventure's Vineyard Room restaurant. Rick only person in the room not to get up and watch the Electric Light Parade that passed right in front of the restaurant. Good for them though, even with a divorce keeping family trips for the kids.

· Tough guys like Pinkberry, too! 104 degrees on Thursday 8/30 around noon at Pinkberry in Studio City. Iron Mike Tyson dressed smartly in a fedora and that unmistakable face tattoo. Now my boyfriend can't just say that Pinkberry is "just for chicks".

· Sunday, August 26th. Heading back to LA from Aspen, television's sassiest neighbor from Minneapolis, Rhoda Morgenstern aka Valerie Harper, seated in first class, chatting and laughing with her fellow cabin mates. She looked great however, I was disappointed when she went into the "see me, recognize me" vintage actress routine of gabbing loudly on her Jitterbug and gesticulating wildly outside the terminal while looking for her ride. Simmer down, Rhoda. Simmah down now!

· Aug. 30: Apparently, my last minute, un-planned "quiet date night" at the Chateau was the idea of the day. Also on "dates" were Bungalow regular Dominick Dunne, NASCAR's Jeff Gordon with a woman friend, and Rachel Zoe.

· Wednesday (8/29) - Annoying lunch-time Beverly Center traffic, in line to make a left-turn at 3rd onto La Cienega; I look in my rear-view mirror, it's Suge Knight looking equally pissed in his gleaming off-white custom Land Rover. Needless to say, I made a very quick and efficient left as soon as I got the arrow. As he drove by I was a little surprised he had plates on it, let alone standard issue.

SYLVESTER Stallone took issue with our witness who said he sat "dumbfounded" while Ellen Barkin choked at dinner at the Tower Bar in L.A. last weekend. "I had no idea [Barkin] was in the restaurant," Sly told us yesterday. "If she was coughing or dying, she was doing it politely. I would have been more than happy to reach down her throat or squeeze her hard - harder than [Barkin's agent and rescuer] Kevin Huvane did. I just want to set the record straight - 'sat there dumbfounded?' Please, I would have rallied - just to avoid paying the bill!"

Barkin's surely relieved that Sly was not the first one on the scene, as the actor's brute force approach to a routine choking rescue might have had fatal complications; suffocating on Stallone's throat-probing fist or having her lungs punctured by violently snapped ribs are unquestionably worse fates than gagging on some underchewed food. However, Stallone has made an important contribution to this story by realizing the disruption of the Hollywood social order caused by an agent grabbing a headline from the talent and taking this bold, if slightly desperate-seeming, step to correct the story.

• NOT SO DUMB! [NY Post]
• Previously: Heroic Agent Now Owns 100 Percent Of Client's Life [Defamer]

On Saturday night, the beleaguered blonde, clad in black pants and a black, sleeveless top, was dining at the Sunset Tower Hotel's Tower Bar with Barry Diller and high-powered CAA agents Kevin Huvane and Bryan Lourd. (George Clooney was supposed to be there as well, but didn't show up, we hear.)

All of a sudden, [actress Ellen] Barkin jumped up from the table and screamed, "I'm going to die!" before falling silent - a sign she could no longer breathe.

"At first I thought it was some sort of joke until she started shaking with spasms and waving her arms in the air," a spywitness told PAGE SIX's Jared Paul Stern. "It was really terrifying. The whole restaurant went dead silent."

Action hero Sylvester Stallone, who was dining a few tables away, sat dumbstruck. But Huvane quickly leapt to Barkin's rescue and performed the Heimlich maneuver. "He saved her life," says our witness.

Did we expect that Stallone would unsheath a Rambo utility knife and perform an emergency tracheotomy on the suffocating Barkin? That would've made for a great story, but he is, after all, just an actor, and his steak was undoubtedly getting cold. Much more interesting was the emergency cost-benefit analysis being performed by the two agents (Barkin is repped by CAA), who had to quickly decide if the actress was worth more to them alive and sporadically working or dead and racking up a burst of DVD residuals spurred by the tragedy of a sudden passing. Luckily for Barkin, her agency apparently still believes in her ability to earn.

• AGENT SAVES CHOKING BARKIN [NY Post]