Using scores from Metacritic, Miller-McCune weighted the critical scores of actors' movies with the relative size of their roles in those movies. The final list shows that everyone who was in Lord of the Rings is an awesome actor with great taste in projects, with Elijah Wood topping the list and Viggo Mortenson and Ian Holm (the British geezer who played Bilbo Baggins) making the top four, too. Philip Seymour Hoffman is as serious an actor as you think he is, and Jessica Alba is as big a hack. Bottoming out the list was Freddie Prinze, Jr., followed by someone named Eddie Griffin and a tragic Matthew Lillard who had so much potential, once. Here's an abridged sampler:

Equally interesting was scatterplot showing the relative niceness and consistency of America's 25 most prolific movie critics. We discover that the Chicago Tribune's Michael Wilmington drinks the kool-aid more than any other critic, followed by the Chicago Sun-Times' Roger Ebert's perennially upraised thumbs. The meanest critic in America is the Austin Chronicle's Marc Savlov, who gives low scores but deviates regularly. On the other hand, TV Guide's Maitland McDonagh gives low scores and has a relatively low standard deviation from her mean score, meaning she's always stone cold.

[Miller-McCune]

But that's no reason not to be intrigued by the newly released teaser for 9, a feature-length expansion of Shane Acker's Oscar-nominated 2005 short that boasts both men as producers and Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, John C. Reilly and Crispin Glover as the voices of dolls threatened by some toy-hungry winged evil. The spirit implied here is that of the unlikely wasteland savior immortalized in WALL-E, yet without the cooing and didacticism; instead, enjoy the elevator-rock soundtrack entitling the title character to a more bombastic self-discovery of the fledgling Burton/Bekmambetov ilk. Not bad, but we'll still take take Delgo any day.

• '9' [YouTube]

Meanwhile, in addition to Ms. Stone and Mr. Nolte, this installment includes Miley Cyrus, Elijah Wood, Jerry O' Connell, Mario Lopez, Tom Cavanagh, Hank Azaria, Milo Ventimiglia, Joel Madden, and more. Onward!

Thursday, Oct. 9

· Rock N' Roll Ralphs on the late night. A sour-faced MILO VENTIMIGLIA enters looking ever the dick in a white shirt and black slacks. This guy is miniscule. I don't know if that's why he was pissed off or what. Maybe his First Communion rehearsal didn't go so well.

Wednesday, Oct. 8

· This was taken today, the day after his fire, NICK NOLTE at Starbucks in malibu. Looking actually in very good spirits. he was with the guy in the tank top.

· Just walked past MARIO LOPEZ inside Equinox in WeHo... Surprisingly, he was wearing a shirt.

Sunday, Oct. 5

· TOM CAVANAGH, TV's "Ed", with his wife and children on AA flight 185 from JFK to LAX.

· I began my day by watching old movies on cable, on of which was Intersection (1994, Richard Gere, Sharon Stone, Lolita Davidovich). Fast foward, same day, Bristol Farms Beverly Hills, 4:07 (I looked at my receipt). I picked up a few things and am standing on line at checkout and looking at this woman in the next checkout over thinking, hmmm, that woman looks like SHARON STONE and it was. We both ended up leaving at the same time and I told her about my movie morning and she laughed and said "How funny!" I asked her how she was doing (why, I don't know) she replied "Good!" and then I told her how great she looked and she smiled and thanked me. So pleasant and nice. Then in the parking lot, I neary dropped my bag as no less than 3 paps jumped at her and clicked away. One helped her with her bags to her new back Bentley convertible.... She did nothing but smile, thank and wave. And that was the day I lost my paparazzi virginity, with Sharon Stone. I need a cigarette.

Saturday, Oct. 4

· All at the Swell Season show at the Greek: CHRISTINE TAYLOR, HANK AZARIA, JEREMY SISTO. I'm glad they all have good taste in music. Glen and Marketa had just recorded their voices for The Simpsons the day before so that's probably why Hank was there. No Matthew Perry tho? He's been at every single Swell Season/Frames show I've seen in the past year.

Thursday, Oct. 2

· Saw everyone’s favorite Hipster Hobbit ELIJAH WOOD at the Sigur Ros at The Greek on Thursday night. I’ve read he’s got great taste in music, so this is no real surprise.

Tuesday, Sept. 30

· I saw JOEL MADDEN getting coffee in Westwood early this morning. At first I didn't notice, but Nicole Richie was also there with their baby. She was dressed casually and was super tiny. I'm not tall, but I was definitely taller than him as well. Once Madden got his coffee they quickly disappeared. All I could figure was that they were taking the baby for a check up at the medical center.

Sunday, Sept. 28

· Spotted MILEY CYRUS at the Grove. She was with two girl friends and she surprisingly didn't look troll-like at all. And in fact looked her age.

Thursday, Sept. 25

· I was on Brooks avenue in venice this past Thursday, when who do I see getting out of his car a full block and a half from Abbot Kinney? It's the fat kid from Stand By Me (JERRY O'CONNELL), and boy did he look nervous. He parked his car, walked down the block, then went back to his car. Strange behavior in a residential neighborhood two hundred yards from Abbot Kinney. It was a at about 2:30 and there was plenty of parking on Abbot Kinney, so I figured he didn't want anyone seeing him getting out of his car here. Strange behavior, but as he walked past me in his skinny jeans and sunglasses, I said "Hey," and he ignored me. Now I know he's a long way from Calabasas, but here in Venice, it's not that unusual seeing actors and it's even less unusual to see B-grade TV actors married to hot babes. So, he should smile and say hello. However he acted nervous, and with the missus pregnant with Twins, one has to wonder what he's doing so far from home, acting stressed. Hey — wasn't he the star of Tomcats?

Boomp3.com

Like the swallows returning to the missions of San Juan Capistrano, all of the women attending the Marc Jacobs fashion show flocked to quirky actor Elijah Wood. The Lord of The Rings star could not find a moment of peace in the tents of Bryant Park. Wood was startled by his newfound status as a hunk, but relished the experience all the same. Wood said, "I always thought that everybody loved Sean Astin from the movies, but I guess it was wrong. Shhh...don't tell my gal pal, but I'm loving this. It's going to make her super jealous and I love it when she's jealous."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In today's installment: Lindsay Lohan (twice!), Katherine Heigl, Al Pacino, Adrian Grenier, Nicole Richie, Casey Affleck, Elijah Wood (with Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly), Eric Stoltz, Mario Lopez, Bryce Dallas Howard, Samantha Ronson, Larry King, Audina Patridge, Tommy Lee and Ludacris, Bradley Cooper, Clea Duvall, Ian Ziering and Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons.

FRIDAY, MAY 9
· Friday night I make a quick run into Toast for one of their yummy cupcakes. While I'm waiting, I look over and see uber hottie Bradley Cooper laying back on the couch. Sporting that sexy scruff and a shirt unbuttoned enough to get a shot of his nice chest. My gay porn fantasy come true! Oh...he was with some unrecognizable chick.
· Saw Casey Affleck, Summer Phoenix and two young kids dining with Clea Duvall, an unknown male and another small kid at Mexico City in Los Feliz. Nobody seemed to pay much attention but I was transfixed. Summer Phoenix sat facing the whole restaurant holding a small child. Her eyes are huge and she is a people watcher. Casey was very quiet and paid attention only to his small, hyper son.
· Lindsay Lohan walking into the Vista Theater in Silver Lake at 12 noon for a video shoot for the Make A Wish Foundation. The papanazis were right behind in minivans and SUV's, peeling into an alley one after the other like NASCAR drivers on meth (or Danica Patrick on a pit stop.) Hard to say who's more dangerous behind the wheel, Lindsay or these duds. I mean, dudes. No I don't.

SATURDAY, MAY 10
· At the Southern California Renaissance Faire I saw Tommy Lee and Ludacris filming an episode for their show Battleground Earth. They were supposedly learning how to make paper. Both were wearing extravagantly feathered 3 Musketeers hats.
· I saw Lindsay Lohan with Sam Ronson at the Beachwood Market; they were shopping for a lot of groceries (including toilet paper, cause everyone shits), but NO BOOZE.
· Al Pacino shops at Target (at the mall in Hollywood). Saw him in the toy section with some little kid (son? grandson?). He was in that all in black, oversized blazer, baggy pants look, and my girlfriend thought he was Richard Lewis.
· Katherine Heigl exits the Say Cheese in Silverlake at Hyperion and Monon and the paparazzi swarm around her making a huge scene. Katherine looks great and handles it well but it looks annoying as F**k. These paparazzi look like total scum and K.H. is soooo boooooring anyway. The whole situation is bizarre but for some reason people like seeing people in movies walk in and out of stores.
· After suffering through the stank of dog urine at Runyon Canyon, my friends and I are blinded by the site of some chick with ginormous boobs. They were so distracting that we almost missed that she was with none other than Steve Sanders himself - Ian Ziering.
· I have never felt uglier sending a sighting in than i do right now. Saturday evening @ the gelson's in calabasas, I saw Jeffrey Tambor buying a travel-sized saline solution and a single fleet enema. Hey now!

TUESDAY, MAY 13
· I saw Diedrich Bader and Jamie Kennedy at Mozza. Damn, that place is tasty.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
· I spotted hobbits Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (with girlfriend Evangeline Lilly in tow) checking out singer/songwriter Matt Miller's set at King's Road Cafe. Unfortunately, there was no cover of Leonard Nimoy's 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins', but that would've been amazing.

THURSDAY, MAY 15
· Rode the elevator with Beyonce and her security guy at Jay-Z's Roc The Mic Studios on 27th street about 5 mins ago. Very pretty -not noticeably pregnant. Also, the asshole security guard blocked her off from just me like she was royalty.

SUNDAY, MAY 18
· The opening of Two Unrelated Plays by David Mamet at the Kirk Douglas was the place to be for random celeb (ok, generous) sightings on a Sunday afternoon. Felicity Huffman, Eric Stoltz, Tate Donovan, Joe Mantegna, Kate Burton, Julianne Phillips, and Ricky Jay were all present and accounted for.
· Bryce Dallas Howard with baby and a companion (not sure if it was husband Seth Gabel or not, but I'm kicking myself for not paying attention to a potential Jeremy Darling sighting!) leaving Whole Foods at Fairfax & Santa Monica.

MONDAY, MAY 19
· Mario Lopez at T-Mobile Store at One Embarcadero Center in San Francisco. With a mustachioed handler. Tight green shirt (showed off the guns), woven leather belt and jeans. Didn't really believe it was him until one of the (male) cashiers asked him for a cell phone photo, which he gave graciously. As soon as he left the store, all three male cashiers huddled over the cell phone photo and discussed Saved By The Bell episodes.
· Mickey Gubitosi AKA Robert Blake at the Pinkberry looking happy, healthy and enjoying the goodness that is Crackberry. Looks like he has been hitting the gym. It's nice to him happy again. [Ed Note — Um, we guess?]

TUESDAY, MAY 20
· Saw the ESPN Sports Guy (Bill Simmons) eating a fancy lunch at Campanile with the Sports Gal (wife), kid, and what looked like either his or his wife's mom (5/20). This sighting probably means nothing to 90% of Defamer readers but for us heterosexual males in our 30s it's a big deal.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21
· Saw Adrian Grenier at the El Rey at the sold-out Kills show. His appearance in the crowd triggered several conversations around me that went exactly like this: "Do you watch Entourage?" "Eeeeeehhhhhhhhyeeeeah, well, I used to...then I totally got sick of it."

THURSDAY, MAY 22
· Saw Nicole Richie at Katsu-Ya in Studio City. She was teeny tiny, wearing a dirty white hoodie (that was too big) with leggings and had her hood up most of the time. Sorry Nicole, there's no mistaking that mug! She waited for a long time for a table and finally settled down at the sushi bar. She was with a nondescript female and was not approached by anyone. She was a bit boring, but my friends visiting from New York got the celeb sighting they were hoping for!
· Thurs. 5/22. Saw Paula Poundstone at the Coffee Bean in the lobby of the CAA building asking the barista if he wanted an extra ticket to an LA Sparks game.

FRIDAY, MAY 23
· Wee little Christian Siriano spotted in West Hollywood last night- giving out hugs to fans on San Vicente and Santa Monica, wearing a black beanie, black trench coat, black skinny jeans and silver reflective high top sneakers (possibly Nikes?). Fierce!
· Was walking out of Indy 4 at the Arclight Hollywood and saw Jacinda Barrett having a chat with 2 guys. White long sleeve shirt under a black short sleeve one and super skinny jeans. So skinny in fact I almost bought her a pesto sausage from the snack bar.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
· Saw Audina Patridge around 6:30PM at the Happy Nail salon at West Hollywood Gateway center. The salon madame was clearly impressed with her walk-in client, who arrived with a friend girl. Since I was with my only friend who gives a shit about The Hills, Defamer has the privilege of being my "OMG, guess who I just saw" email.

SUNDAY, MAY 25
· Oh. My. God. F-List reality night at Barney's Beanery (WeHo branch on Santa Monica Blvd.) on Sunday night for karaoke. First of all, some dude is singing Kiss by Prince and surprisingly hitting all the notes, and it turns out to be that black trainer with the dreads from Work Out on Bravo. Not a bad singer! THEN. I am talking to a group of people who include these two tall identical blond dudes. Today whilst trolling the blogs I see one of them in the teaser for the new VH1 show I Love Money, and I realize that he was Mr. Boston from I Love New York. He has an identical twin. They are both kind of dorky and awkward.
· Wandering in and out between the parked cars in the 700 block of Hillcrest Road in Beverly Hills Sunday morning: Larry King. Note to Larry — those speeding metal chariots will hurt you. Use your phone on the sidewalk.

I did feel the need to tweak (New Line co-founder Michael Lynne's) nose once, when he seemed to be trying to diddle the cast of LOTR out of their well-earned share of the profits. It was at a party in Berlin after the opening of The Return of the King. I said "That's for all the trouble you've been causing!" I don't know who was more surprised: Michael, that I had taken his nose in my finger and thumb and twisted it gently, or me for having dared do it! At least one of us enjoyed it.

And, in desperately needed response to "rumors" that Viggo Mortensen and his other male castmates were fraternizing during production, only to beard it up in public:

This gossip is all news to me. Elijah [Wood], Dominic [Monaghan] and Orlando [Bloom] introduced me to their girlfriends during shooting. I didn't ever meet Viggo's partner although his son visited a a few times. It would seem that none of my friends can be accused of hypocrisy. Probably the fevered imagination of slashers is to blame.

McKellen's acknowledgment of such whispers is itself a brave step forward in smashing the Hollywood closet — a classy, conscientious refusal to allow even the basest of speculation to go ignored lest the valuable, "not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that" opportunity that follows gets away. Those incoming phone calls from Mortensen, Bloom and Co. are surely best wishes for a successful — and long — return to Middle-Earth.

• The Lord of the Rings [McKellen.com]

In today's star-studded holiday spectacular episode: Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon; Sean Penn; Jack Black; Antonio Banderas; Dustin Hoffman; Elijah Wood; James Spader and Michael Rapaport; Leonard Cohen; Malcolm Gladwell; Benjamin Bratt and Talisa Soto; Dylan Walsh; Amy Brenneman; Giovanni Ribisi; Chris Noth; Jeremy Sisto; Dave Annable; Christopher MacDonald; Vincent Gallo; Rachel Dratch and Chris Parnell; Eve; Catherine Bach; Brandon Davis; Sean Hayes; John O'Hurley; Monica Lewinsky; Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed; John Lydon; Paul F. Tompkins; Randy Spelling; and Trevor Penick.

· Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon with some other actorly types at the 5:35 Dome showing of Sweeney Todd 12/29. Reese was wearing a baseball cap w/"Jake" embroidered on the side. Awww. Both were casual and cute. She is teeny tiny. Seriously.

Jake and Reese part 2 - when I got into the line to exit the parking lot, I was behind a black Mercedes, which then proceeded to pull up to the ticket booth and sit for five minutes while the driver obviously searched for his ticket. I suppressed the New Yorker in me and didn't lay on the horn, and was rewarded with the realization that Jake himself was the culprit. Stars, they're just like us! P.S. When I pulled to the ticket booth myself, the attendant was giddy from her five mins w/Jake. Don't know how Reese felt about all this; she seems pretty organized.

· Wednesday (12/19) I'm at the car rental office at Ontario Airport when I see a guy walk past who I think looks a lot like Sean Penn. But I think: Why would Sean Penn be renting a car at Ontario Airport? And besides, this guy is tall, and most celebrities are short. And also besides, this guy has a lot of gray hair, and Sean Penn is young and virile. A few minutes later, he passes by again, this time hounded by a car rental office employee very eager to have an autograph, and I realize it IS Sean Penn. He's in a big hurry but says he can sign something if she finds something for him to sign really fast. She produces a piece of paper, which he signs, then takes off. He's all alone, no entourage or assistant or companion or anything. The employee runs off with her prize, literally whooping and leaping in the air. I wish Sean Penn hadn't been in such a hurry so I could tell him that I liked "Into the Wild," and that my brother sincerely believes he hates America. Alas.

· Sat (12/29) - Jack Black with assumed nuclear family (child in plastic car, wife and 2 old people) at the Geffen Murakami show. Jack had a shaved blonde hair trim and was wearing a Coltrane shirt and seemed eager to view some paintings of jism.

· 12-20 - I promised my visiting mother some good celebrity sighting possibilities at the Grove. Just as the day was ending, with nothing but unnameable character actors everywhere, my mother entered Duck Soup and ran into Antonio Banderas as he was leaving. Mucho apoplexy and self-fanning. Her verdict: thin, unshaven and gorgeous. Merry Xmas, Grove.

· I'm pretty sure I saw Dustin Hoffman at Third Street Promenade today (12-28). He was walking by himself, talking on his cell phone and wearing a Rolling Stones jacket.

· saw ELIJAH WOOD doing some last-minute Christmas shopping on Monday, 12/24, at Anthropologie/3rd St. Promenade. looked a bit overwhelmed and overloaded with bags.

most surprising? actually short + hobbit-like in person. least surprising? piercing blue eyes.

· At the Murakami at the MOCA on Friday 12/28, the line was very, very long—way out the door. Not for Michael Rapaport though, who probably lives in some sort of alternate reality where he's really famous and people give a shit about him. He was a huge dick and cut in front of the whole line to buy his tickets. I was in the middle of buying my tickets, and he didn't even wait until I finished. James Spader was also there but he obeyed the rules.

· He's my man: Leonard Cohen, younger Asian wife, and a white couple with a newborn that spent plenty in time in grandpa (guessing here completely) Lenny's lap during a particularly delicious brunch at Ammo on Sun, Dec 31. I mean it was totally gross! Keep waiting on line for Doughboys across the street! Much better!

· Visited LA over New Year's for a reunion of my college roommates (go UNC!) and was able to squeeze in a couple celeb sightings. First, saw Michael Rapaport sitting outside Brooklyn Projects on Melrose on Sunday afternoon 12/30. Only noticed him because I damn near tripped over the broken skateboard in front of him. Then, saw Ron Livingston and his "Standoff" costar, Rosemarie DeWitt, in line at Whole Foods by the Grove standing in an endless line on New Year's Eve to buy overpriced groceries with the rest of the masses.

Oh, and earlier that day around 1 pm, I was trying to get breakfast at Rockenwagner's cafe on Abbott Kinney, and took over the tiny outdoor table in front of the bakery from Malcolm Gladwell, the author of pop-science greats "Blink" and "The Tipping Point." He was dressed in skinny jeans and was wandering around by himself with what looked like a manuscript in his hands. His giant fro is unmistakable.

· Benjamin Bratt, looking very doable in all-black on my LAX to EWR flight on 12/18. Traveling with beautiful wife Talisa Soto and two cute kids on a rainy day, he kept his sunglasses on all the way from the back of the very long gate check-in line. When he actually reached the flight attendant, he popped them on top of his head and clearly poured on the charm with the holder of all crosscountry seats. Hmmm, did you not start out with those cushy front row of first class seats, Benjamin? In any case, was very low key and seemed very into his family. Too bad his hip length coat was hiding what looked like a luscious butt. Traveling is touch, Benj, give us SOMETHING to dream about on a 5 1/2 hour flight!

· AA's LAX to Boston flight Dec 22.... None other than Dylan Walsh (Nip/Tuck's Sean McNamara) looking fretful in 1st class, and upon de-planing at Logan, spotted a very normal-looking Amy Brenneman (TV vet of Judging Amy and the unwatchable Private Practice) with husband-type and kids. Looked like the neighborhood MILF...

· January 1, 8 pm- After finishing an early dinner at Osteria Mozza (crispy duck and burratta with leeks vinaigrette) and while still trying to conjure up the name of the b-list tv celeb/happily working actor having dinner with his family next to us, ran into Giovanni Ribisi at the valet. He was leaning James Dean style against the wall giving everyone a pointy eyebrow look, probably trying to hypnotize us with some kind of Scientology mind trick. He was small and pale with a very expressive face. Standing next to him was a small and pale little girl, perhaps his sister. Was very gracious when a valet shook his hand.

· A biggie — Pavillions, Santa Monica Blvd, West Hollywood/Boystown, reading Page 6, New Years Eve, in serious need of touching up his roots, with weirdly dark eyebrows, pale skin, and a paunch. You guessed it — Sex In the City 'hottie' Mr Big, Chris Noth. The gays were all filling their baskets calmly (sort of), so I guess SJP wasn't there with him.

· January 1 - Jeremy Sisto was standing outside of Arclight, totally alone & looking both confused and as maladjusted as most of his characters. Throngs of people everywhere, but Mr. Sisto was in a clearing and looking around as if he was waiting for someone. Scruffy, just like he was every other time I've seen him. Had a Borders bag with him...which, come to think of it, makes me think he really likes book stores, because I've seen him twice in two different Barnes & Noble stores. Maybe he's well read. Definitely, he's taller than you average actor.

· Saw cutie Dave Annable at the Nordstrom's Westside Pavilion location on Tuesday 12/18 afternoon. In jacket, baseball cap and jeans, with another similiarly-attired guy. No mini-blonde in sight...

Veteran character actor Christopher MacDonald spotted at the Ozomatli HOB show Thursday night, 12/20. Dude is aging well...looked like a C-O-O-L rider.

· For your holiday star sighting blog entry...I saw Vincent Gallo in the produce section at Whole Foods on sm blvd/Fairfax last night, 12-26.

· On either Dec 11th or 12th, Rachel Dratch and Chris Parnell of SNL (or formally i suppose), biding their time in the gift area at the Arclight around 10 PM. They appeared to be even heights, meaning he is comically short and she is about a phonebook taller than you would think. She did look done up, but overall they did not seem to be on any couple-related business.

· 12/25/07
I'm in the security line at LAX trying to get on my flight to start my Xmas vacation when who do I see in the line in front of me? The rapper Eve. She was lookin' pretty good and I must say that I find that Tambourine song very catchy. Gotta give her props because she only had one hanger-on with her although she was being escorted through the airport by some "official " looking dude. She had go through security just like the rest of us peons.

Honorable pseudo-celebrity mentions:
American Airlines flight to Maui in the first class section Catherine "I used to be Daisy Duke" Bach. Wow. Girlfriend has really let herself go big time. She had herself crammed in a red velour sweatsuit that looked like it was about to burst open. Also, REALLY BAD dermal filler of some type in her lips. They looked so fake!

01/01/08 I'm waiting for my several hours delayed flight back to LA from Maui (Thanks American Airlines!!!) and I spot Brandon "Firecrotch shouter" Davis in the airport. Not as fat in person, but walking around in all of his greasy faced glory. He ended up making his flight to LA on United wait for him. Who does he think he is? Someone famous?
That is all to report.

· Saturday 12/29 Wandering through that little alley at The Grove (J.Crew/Whisper Lounge/side elevator to the parking lot), spotted Sean Hayes braving the throngs of common folks. Boyfriend and I spotted him at the same time & looked to each other for confirmation—yes, it was him. He was with a smaller dude and had on his requisite baseball cap. Seriously, is that thing stapled to his head?

· Since all the A and B-list celebs were on holiday, I only managed to catch some lower-level celebs about town.

My friend and I were at the Bel-Air Hotel NYE champagne gala and saw the nimble J. Peterman, AKA John O'Hurley of "Dancing With the Stars" fame, with his wife and another couple. He sadly disappeared before the unlimited champagne fueled dancing session started, robbing us gala-goers of his fancy footwork.

The next day, Jan. 1st, my friend and I were lunching at Nate & Al's on Rodeo when we saw Monica Lewinsky with a male companion. It looks like she's gained back the weight she lost, along with Linda Tripp's weight. I wanted to ask her who she was going to vote for this year, but she was busy eating.

· So I was dropping my girlfriend off at LAX this morning. She was flying to Mexico on Delta. At the Delta International terminal (longest line I've ever seen to check in, literally wound out of the building and down the sidewalk). My girlfriend and I had just said goodbye. Suddenly as I was walking away I saw, being guided by a Delta robot/security guard, the whole Simmons brood — Gene, Shannon Tweed and the two kids. They were whisked past the whole line (ahhh, the privileges of flying first class, no doubt), and taken to a fancy elevator right to the screening area. I have it on good authority that they were all headed to Puerto Vallarta. Gene looked as you'd expect: tall and creepy. His son's tall, too, but not nearly as creepy looking. Didn't get a good look at the daughter. But man, Shannon Tweed still looks hot as f*&k! Go, Cougars! Thanks, Defamer!

· Took a walk in Venice today (12/25) and was overcome with a mix of nausea and intrigue when I noticed a shirtless John Lydon sunbathing while reading his paper. He was bloated, pale and hairless.

· 12-21 - Paul F. Tompkins helping his lady friend choose a plaid coat at Forever 21 at The Grove while wearing white plastic frames with no lenses

· 1/2 - Saw the least-offensive Son of Hollywood, Randy Spelling, on my flight from Denver to LAX. It was a coach-only Frontier trip, so apparently Tori wasn't the only one cut off by Aaron in the will.

· Thursday Night, 12-20. Saddle Ranch Trevor from O-Town. I'm a loser.

In today's underwhelming episode: Sir Michael Caine; Elijah Wood; Kathy Griffin; Frankie Muniz, Tiny Majorino and Suge Knight; Jamie Lynn Spears; Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo; Billy Baldwin; David Proval; and Danny Bonaduce.

· A few weeks old but what they hey...After settling in on a British Airways flight from LA to London I was just getting ready to watch the original 1966 version of "Alfie" on demand. But, sadly, my video monitor wasn't working so no video content for me during the 10-plus hour flight. All I got to say about that is thank Gawd for the ipod and Ambien. Upon arrival, still reeling from my post-Ambien/gin and tonic-induced slumber, I notice Sir Michael Caine heading off the plane from first class (not where I was sitting, of course). So I guess, in a way, I got to see "Alfie" on the flight.

· Elijah Wood backstage at Gogol Bordello at the Mayan last night (Oct 25). Evidently dating one of the leotard-clad backup singer girls. About a head taller than he is. He's pretty cute, nonetheless. The band rocks, highly recommend them.

· Oct 23 - I know this is a lame one, but here goes. Kathy Griffin walking on Sunset near Fairfax with one of her gays (the one who thinks he can speak Spanish?). She was wearing brown cords with a nearly fluorescent pink t-shirt which clashed with her bright orange straw hair. She looked pissed.

· 10/23
three sightings on sunset tuesday night, our out of town friends were giddy with delight.
frankie muniz jaywalking and enjoying some sushi with friends, he's tiny and was copping quite an attitude for such a little fella.
tina majorino, who's brother was performing with the band creature feature at the whisky. she's tiny as well, but adorable and very nice.
suge knight, at mel's diner. the first thing we noticed was the giant escalade and sparkling diamonds in his ears. he never got out of the car, but appeared to be waiting on someone inside. I can only hope his middle-of-the-night cravings were satisfied.

· Two random pop culture sightings on Friday, Oct 19:

1st, made a quick stop at The Grove and saw Jamie Lynn Spears herself. Cute girl, good dress, no Britney in sight. Only saw her for a second - nothing terribly exciting to report.

2nd, was at LAX and saw Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo a couple of gates away catching a flight to Cincinnati. He looked fantastically hot and normal. Exactly like you'd expect, and thankfully not remotely "look at me, don't look at me" like some other celebs are. Vanessa was wearing a fairly standard LA travel uniform - Uggs and a fedora. I'm not trying to hate on the girl, but she let's just say she doesn't look the same as she does on tv and leave it at that.

· 10/25 Sitting in front of the wolfgang puck in the LAX United terminal. Billy Baldwin is pacing in circles right in the middle of the hall, talking loudly on his phone about his dinner reservations. He's even less talented in person.

· 10:30am 10/26, LAX. As I'm barely moving in the security screening line of terminal 2, cursing myself opting to save $20 by flying Northwest Air to vegas, an overweight DAVID PROVAL aka Richie 'i like to hold guns to bitches' heads as I'm screwing them a la Fred Spektor' Aprile from The Sopranos cued up behind me. His hair was disheveled and he was wearing a worn leather jacket. I was scared.

· Wednesday, October 24, 7:00-ish at Kabuki Sushi in Hollywood, my friend and I were seated just as Danny Bonaduce and his girlfriend were getting up from the booth next to ours. Being nosy, I asked our server if he was nice; he said he was. And no, I didn't see any sake on their table.

What at first we thought was the result of a binge-weekend-induced fever-dream incorporating some of the most disturbing images from the worlds of Middle Earth, Sid and Marty Krofft, Laugh-In, and Stonewell-era drag queendom, it turns out was merely a photo taken on the set of Yo Gabba Gabba!, Nick Jr.'s new live-action show for the toddler-set, premiering tonight in nurseries and bong-clouded dorm rooms across the country, and sure to cause much controversy when the Religious Right accuses the green hairy thing of being gay.

• [Yo Gabba Gabba! via ONTD]

In today's episode: Hilary Swank; Elijah Wood and Lori Petty; Queen Latifah; Hank Azaria; Lori Loughlin; Jessica Alba; Paris and Nicky Hilton; Tommy Lee; Jason Lee; Ryan O'Neal; Allison Janney; Crispin Glover; Ed McMahon; Lorenzo Lamas; Heidi Fleiss; Keith David and Jason "Wee Man" Acuna; The Miz, Adam King and Christopher "Kid" Reid.

· Monday night, post-getting her star on the walk of fame, saw Hilary Swank and date (her agent?) dining at Vincenti in Brentwood. They were sitting side-by-side at a banquette and looking particularly cozy. Rough life.

· Saw Hobbit-in-Chief ELIJAH WOOD flying Virgin Airways from L.A. to London today (Weds. Jan. 10th.) Always thought the guy might be gay, but — no friggin' way — he was sucking face with a nice, head-taller-than-him short-haired brunette in the VIP lounge and then throughout the flight. The lovebirds even shared the same lie-flat seat (just sleeping; no snogging, it seemed). Appears to be a really nice, down-to-earth guy. At one point during the flight they announced over the P.A. that someone had lost a ring in one of the lavatories. Turns out it was some kid, and the ring was a LOTR souvenir he'd bought in New Zealand. After asking E.W. if it'd be okay, a stewardess brought the kid (newly reunited with his ring) to meet him and get his autograph. Hmmm ... plot line for a sequel? Quick, somebody tell Bob Shaye to bury the hatchet with Peter Jackson.

· Saturday, 1/6- Elijah Wood at Albertson's on Lincoln and Ocean Park. Looked lost in the produce department.

Sunday, 1/7- Lori Petty shopping on Abbott Kinney. She's looking well-fed.

· Drove past Queen Latifah this morning on Melrose as she was pulling up to Urth Cafe. She was driving an Aston Martin and talking on her cell phone. Eerie.

· Congrats, Defamer Gods, your attempts to Borg me are now complete. 1/11 in the afternoon, I'm on Sunset waiting to make the left into Beverly Glen, I see an Aston Martin coming toward me and my first thought is not "Sweet ride" or "I didn't think Daniel Craig sucked so bad," it was "Hey, Defamer Privacy Watch always has a sighting of Hank Azaria in his convertible Aston Martin! Maybe it's him!" And Christ in a kickline, it was. He was wearing a tan jacket and either singing or talking to himself (had the top up, it was overcast). Does he just drive around all day hoping schmucks like me will write him up for Privacy Watch?

· all of these were in beverly hills in the area of brighton and bedford

january 2- aunt becky (lori laughlin)- we were getting pedis and manis at the same time....soooo fun. i wanted to pee my pantalonays.

january 9- jessica alba. paparazzi waiting for her to finish getting her eyebrows done. poor girl. except she had a girl entourage. why?

january 11- Paris and nicky hilton!! thats right! they were walking out of the doctors office and I SAW THEM!!!!! paris' dress was ugly.

· Randomly having lunch at Fiesta Taco, a tiny little shack with all outdoor seating on plastic patio furniture in the parking lot of a skeezy motel in Burbank when who should walk in but Tommy Lee and another rocker type dude and skanky half dressed rocker type chick as companions. Tommy had a burrito and a can of Squirt. Yeah, a can of Squirt. And he reeked of cologne. I haven't been tested yet, but I'm pretty sure he gave me hepatitis.

· Spotted Jason Lee on Crescent Heights and Santa Monica last night (Wednesday) riding on a Harley (I think it was a Harley - didn't get a good look). He was riding in tandem with a male friend. Not much to report beyond that. He has lots of facial hair, but you already knew that.

· 1/11/07- Saw Ryan O'Neal having lunch at Pizzicotto on San Vicente in Brentwood. He looked pretty good- very pink complexion but that might have been because he was sitting outside in the freezing cold. He was eating pasta with two other guys. No Farrah in sight.

· This past Saturday, 1/6, Allison Janney of West Wing fame at The Abbey, looking amazing as usual. Much taller than you'd expect, but an incredibly nice [albeit a tad drunk] lady. Also, to be expected, the princess herself, Lance Bass was there and appeared to be intoxicated.

· Friday night - Gelson's - Silverlake.
As I was gathering my weekend supplies of ritz crackers and booze, I saw the mad genius himself, Crispin Glover. He was a little hard to miss, being that he was wearing a full on suit and was accommpanied by a smoking hot (younger) blonde. If he wasn't my hero before, he is now. Even as creepy as that guy is, he still managed to look like James Bond while at the grocery store, complete with Pussy Galore on his arm.

· Legendary second banana Ed McMahon sighted in first class on a Dulles to LAX flight. He may be getting on in years, but he looked dapper in a blazer and perfect hair. Dude has still got it.

· Lorenzo Lamas, in his toughest role yet...playing dad to his roving band of kiddies as they roamed the Beverly Connection humming the theme song to "Renegade". Or was I the one humming???

· Saw Heidi Fleiss at the Home Depot on Sunset last Saturday. Looked like she had been whacked in the face by a dozen ugly sticks and was surrounded by a couple of homely junior stripper types in platform jellies and juicy sweat suits. She is a mouth breather.

· saw Keith David walking in all yellow being too damn busy on his cell in Santa Monica on 3rd and Arizona.
saw wee man at Griffith Park skating

· Last night (1/10) I was at Barney's Beanery in WeHo for Karaoke (which is AWESOME btw) and I saw three, count 'em, THREE, celebrities (totally D-list ones anyway). The Miz from Road Rules/Real World Duel fame was rocking a bleached mohawk at a booth with several friends, a short-haired Adam King, from Real World Paris, was chatting it up on the porch (PS he works as an assistant at CAA), and the best sighting of all, Christopher "Kid" Reid from Kid and Play. Honestly, I didn't even recognize him, but my friend swore up and down that it was him, and he would know.

Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

In today's episode: Robert Duvall, Thandie Newton, Dolph Lundgren, Michael Vartan, Avril Lavigne, Melissa Padrón and Paul Herman; Chazz Palminteri, Robert Davi, Stephen and Billy Baldwin; Britney Spears and Justin Long; Jeremy Piven, Dee Snider and Kurt Fuller; Andie MacDowell; James Woods; Andy Dick; Ron Livingston; Liev Schreiber; John C. Reilly; Elijah Wood, Busy Phillips, James Denton, Curtis Armstrong and Kevin McDonald; Brooke Shields and Lukas Rossi; Frankie Muniz; Adam Brody; Rob Dyrdek; Ben Savage; Jason Wahler and Andy Milonakis; Fiona Apple, B.J. Novak, Robert Wuhl, Dave Eggers and Jonah Hill; Scott Baio and John Kalodner; Sarah Silverman; Larry Joe Campbell and Neil Flynn; Sean Hayes; Connie Britton, Famke Jannsen and Selma Blair; Jordana Brewster; Catherine O'Hara; Bob Newhart; Clarence Williams; Thomas Lennon; Jason Hervey; Danielle Rees and Darren Robinson; Zooey Deschanel; Richard Benjamin; Tom DeLonge, Adam Busch and Amber Benson.

· It was packed at Ago last night on 12/7. Quite a few sightings, some very random. Thandie Newton walks in with a guy with dark, scraggly hair and about 5'10. She heads for the ladies and then to a table outside afterwards. She is stunning. Flawless skin and about 5'7. Thin, but very graceful looking. A real beauty. I had my back to the door, but my Dad spotted Robert Duvall walking in. Came in with his wife and went right outside to a table despite a packed bar waiting for tables. Looks just like you'd expect. Kind of funny - the maitre'd told him to watch his step up to the outdoor patio and Duvall kind of paused on the step and hesitated. Either he was pissed that the guy thought to tell him to watch out because of his age or he was really steadying himself. He looks pretty good for his age. Next, Dolph Lundgren was milling around. Buzzed hair cut and very fit, good looking guy. We were inside and my brother's gf spotted a guy through the window sitting about an arm's length from me - Michael Vartan. Great hairline and handsome - he was sitting down, so no height info. Avril Lavigne went to the ladies twice (also sat outside) - she was very tiny and short, wearing a very hip outfit of jeans and a vintage coat. So small. Also spotted Real World Miami girl (Melissa Padrón) and Beansie from the Sopranos (Paul Herman).

This was better than last time about a month ago: Lundgren again (is this his spot or what?!?!) and a table of Chazz Palminteri, Robert Davi (of Goonies and Die Hard fame) and two Baldwins (Stephen and Billy). That time was hilarious, though, because some guy said something to Stephen, and all I heard Stephen say was, "Thanks a lot man, but I'm Stephen."

· Last night (12/7) went w/ a couple of friends to "Black Out" (a cabaret show at Aqua in Beverly Hills)... my friend who suggested it knows some dancers, choreographers and managers involved in the show. She asks one of the afore mentioned choreographers/managers if we can sit in the middle part w/ all the pillows on the floor (we got there early but not early enough to score a seat... although there was a huge table being reserved for someone that remained empty). Well... the table was reserved for Britney Spears, and when she showed up (a few minutes before the start of the show)... it was decided by her & her entourage that our seats looked like more fun... so they had us removed... and we had to stand in the back cuz Britney's hangers on didn't want to give up the table to us, even though they had taken our seats. Thanks Britney.

Not that he deserves any of the blame... but I had more respect for the "Mac Guy" (Justin Long) who was apparently in her entourage... having run into him around town... he seemed like a nice guy. Too bad he got mixed up w/ BS.

· I don't know why, but I've been having a ton of celeb sightings lately.

Last week, I was stopped at a crosswalk by the school in my neighborhood (West LA/Westwood), and Kurt Fuller (Wayne's World, that new show with Wendy Malick) walked right in front of me, taking his daughter to school.

Last night (12/11) I was at LAX, and saw both Jeremy Piven and Dee Schneider of Twisted Sister (not together) at baggage claim. Jeremy looked like a pimped out version of himself (hat, leather jacket, on the phone the whole time), while Dee Snider just looked like himself, albeit a scruffy version (hey, it was midnight) of the guy we see on those VH1 or E! shows. He had on black tight jeans, a trucker cap, and was carrying a gold briefcase. Yeah, I don't know.

Finally, today, I saw Andie MacDowell at the Lather store in Pasadena. She was shopping with a friend, and was dressed as an equestrian in riding boots, brown riding pants, and a brown sweater. She is still absolutely gorgeous.

· Driving down the street on Burton in beverly hills, I was remembering last week's sighting of James Woods with 19 y/o "niece" in front of l'ermitage. And what do you know, there was the man himself a block from the hotel walking his dog 'Angel' - no "niece" at his side...

· Saturday, around 1 p.m., saw a most-distressed Andy Dick in the bathroom on the 8th floor of the Beverly Center looking like he was inches away from crapping his pants, or perhaps already beginning to do so. He was sweating and doing that leg-dragging walk that little kids do when they're debating if the immediate relief would be worth the social torment.

Also, Ron Livingston at La Poubelle in Los Feliz Friday night. Nothing special to report there.

· Spied Liev Schreiber at the Grove on Sunday. He looked as freaked out by the masses of little girls running around holding American Girl dolls as I did. Why did either one of us think it was a good idea to go to Grove on the Sunday before Christmas? We're so stupid.

· John C. Reilly in Whole Foods, Pasadena looking just like JCR ought to look. Seriously. And in a city starved for celeb sightings, news of his presence spread like butter on a hot waffle. He was very chatty and pleasant to the meat guy helping him and his laughter was unmistakable. And special kudos to him for walking around without a cell phone glued to his head. How refreshing is that? He's not afraid of our cooties.

Last thing: by the time he reached the checkout I think he could feel dozens of eyeballs on him because he looked pretty embarrassed. I don't think it helped that his checker was totally cheesing and blushing a very beet red. Veeery gay!* C'mon, dude get a grip. Seriously.

(* Not in the derogatory sense.)

· 12/11 - King King in Hollywood - I went to a show called Mortified (people do readings of cringe-worthy shit they wrote when they were kids) and they had some "surprise guests" at the end. For the last guy, some schmuck wrote a horribly embarrassing race car screenplay when he was a teenager, they brought out Elijah Wood, Busy Phillips, someone Denton from DH I'm a guy, sorry I honestly don't know who he is) (James Denton), Booger (Curtis Armstrong) from Revenge of the Nerds, and Kevin McDonald to perform it.

It was all pretty funny. The Hobbit managed not to overact, Phillips managed to be hot, Denton managed to be funny, and Booger managed to get laughs. Judging by his hair, McDonald is auditioning for Side Show Bob on. But he had a hot girlfriend and it made me sad.

· Saturday:

Lukas Rossi (Rockstar: Supernova) entering the MAC cosmetics store on Robertson. Looked just like he did on TV (which is a little scary for 3PM). He was with a short, stubby woman who did herself no favors in parachute pants with draw-string cuffs and heels.

Brooke Shields, husband, daughter (!!!). And another older couple at 1AM (!!!) At the Polo Lounge. Cocktails, etc. Maybe Tom Cruise had a point, what normal mom has the kid in a bar at that hour. She did (I must admit) look great for 42 (she was my pre-teen crush), but is looking a touch man-ish as she ages (they used to call women like that "handsome" back in the day). They stayed well past last call (!!!). Does Scientology have a child services division we can call?

Sunday:

Frankie Muniz, Equinox on Sunset. That boy is a tiny whisp of a thing. If Equinox were "OZ" the big buff WEHO real estate Fags would have dragged him into the steam room and traded him for smokes. He's that frail looking. Sadly, its not "OZ" and they didn't.

· Monday, 12/11. Arclight. 10:50 showing of The Holiday. Spotted Adam Brody (The OC) and an equally attractive male friend in the audience. I'm still confused by this. He's skinny, but adorable (like, "Wow, I wouldn't mind sitting on his face for a while" adorable). He's straight...right? Or was Bilson just his Beard? Why does it seem weird that he'd be at a romantic comedy with another guy?

· * thursday (12/7): rob dyrdek (of mtv's "rob & big") at the ladytron/faint show at the hollywood palladium. rob was sans big black, which was disappointing to say the least (he was instead with someone i'll call 'average white'). also, he came up to my kneecaps.
* friday (12/8): little old ben savage of "boy meets world" fame at three of clubs. guess what... former child stars send drunken text messages while wobbling alone in the corners of dimly lit hollywood bars, just like us!!
* saturday (12/9): Jason Wahler of "laguna beach" fame, looking like a younger, dirtier version of colin ferrell, smoking a never-ending cigarette butt and wearing an off-white, stretched-out thermal undershirt at toast on 3rd street, during brunch. he was with another mtv nobody - andy milanokis, who managed to keep himself under control until the valet pulled up with their early '00's black suburban, at which point he yelped something incoherent and they drove off.
* saturday (12/9): after that nauseating experience at toast... the mcsweeney's event restored my faith in los angeles - the ethereal, imbalanced fiona apple (with some silver fox-looking studio type guy); b.j. novak; arli$$ (aka robert wuhl); would-be "real world"-er dave eggers; and jonah hill.

· 12-7 Spotted tonight: Left the reading at Book Soup for Steve Blush's "American Hair Metal" book release (the Sunset Strip location did not coax any of the book's subjects to the reading, damn!). So the party had to move to the Rainbow for dinner (memories!). Spotted around the room: 80s heart throb Scott Baio, 2005 heart throb James Denton, 80s Metal/Rock A and R God John Kalodener, in all white robes, rocking the long white hair and beard. No Lemmy or members of White Lion through...

· Saw Sarah Silverman at...Yamashiro in Hollywood on Sat. night, standing outside @ valet. The only reason I noticed her was the sharp contrast of her adidas-type tracksuit/baseball cap against the less casually dressed crowd.

· 12/9 @ IOWest:

Larry Joe Campbell ("According to Jim") with his improv group "The 313"

Neil Flynn (The Janitor from "Scrubs") with his improv group "Beer Shark Mice"

Both hung out afterwards and were very friendly, talking to everyone.

12/10 @ Fred Segal:

Sean Hayes (wearing retro Dallas Mavericks t-shirt) standing in the cafe talking to two men. Taller than I expected.

HOLY COW!!! I totally forgot the best one from this weekend:

12/10 pm : AA flight from LA to Dallas - IVAN DRAGO (Dolph Lundgren). Sitting in the front row of first class with a shaved head, wearing a crushed velvet jacket, jeans and work boots. Easily 6'5" and just plain mean looking. No one noticed him or bothered him at the luggage carousel at D/FW.

· An abundance of sightings on Melrose in the last 2 days....

* At M Cafe on Thursday (12/7) : 1st saw Connie Britton (currently playing the Mom in the tv version of Friday Night Lights, but has done plenty of tv) leaving as we arrived. She looked pretty much like you'd expect her to. Next Famke Janssen showed up with some guy and a ridiculously cute dog. Finally, completing the trifecta, Selma Blair and a male friend arrived. Selma has a fantastically edgy new hair cut (a celeb with a partially shaved head!) and the makeup looked fab. Loved it! She went over and exchanged the "Hey, we're both celebrities" pleasantries with Famke. Enjoyable.

* On Friday (12/8) saw Jordana Brewster exiting the Baskin Robbins on Melrose. She was gorge and with some good looking guy. Heard she's engaged, maybe it was the fiance? The obscenely overrated Pinkberry is across the street, yet Jordana chose Baskin Robbins. Consider me a fan now. Tried to explain to my friends who she was by going over what movies she's been in, but sadly all I could remember was that she dated Derek Jeter and Mark Wahlberg. Ouch.

· Saw Catherine O'Hara (e.g., Best in Show) at the Culver City Trader Joe's on 8 December in the early afternoon. I think she was near the bread first then later I spotted her looking at the household products section. Her eyes really stood out, very big and beautiful.

· Two very cool/old skool/TV Land sightings this week:

12/5 - Lunchtime, coming out of my lower BH office building with x-mas shopping on the brain, comedy legend Bob Newhart steps on the 'vator with me, either coming from the bank (counting his funny money) or the radiologist (which worries me, but Mr. Newhart looked good) . In the middle of telling how awesome he is I have an IHBF (that is, involuntary holiday brain fart) and tell him what I'm getting my brother for Christmas; he just smiled with that deadpan/bemused Newhart smile. Whatever. Classic.

12/7 - Lunchtime, getting his health-conscious groove on, I saw Clarence Williams aka "Link" from The Mod Squad in the Whole Foods Market @ 3rd & Fairfax, looking real actor-serious with his food bar purchase. He still has that Bad-Ass-Militant-Cool vibe and more was than a little intimidating, even with what was probably a tofu wrap. Can you dig it?

· I know that this is a C-list celebrity sighting at best, but it totally made my day. Today (Saturday), Thomas Lennon (Lieutenant Dangle on "Reno 911!") walked into the travel bookshop on West Third Street... seemed very friendly and chatty with the shopkeepers. He actually had a mustache just like on the show, but thankfully, he wasn't wearing Lieutenant Dangle's short shorts. Anyway, after a long drought of celebrity sightings, there's nothing like a hip-but-obscure sighting to get you back in the game.

· All five feet and three inches of dickhead brother Wayne (Jason Hervey) from "The Wonder Years." He was meandering around the Santa Monica Mall foodcourt deciding between The Great Steak and Potato Company and Hot Dog On A Stick.

· Not too exciting but I saw runway model Dani Rees dining with Phantom Planet guitarist Darren Robinson at Wokano last week. She is very pretty in person. They seemed happy, normal and low key.

also

Last Wednesday I saw Zooey Deschanel at the Beverly Hills Sport club. She was on the treadmill with her ipod and a ponytail. She went pretty much unnoticed.

· Caught Richard Benjamin pushing his own cart at the Marina del rey Costco this afternoon (12/8 — around 3:00pm).

It's super clear this guy hasn't had any cosmetic work done on his face. In fact, I sorta thought global warming might be affecting his appearance as all his features seem to be melting/ sliding off to the right side.

The cart was empty, and he had an expression that read: "This place is way too fuck'in big. Time to get some cheap gas. I'm outta here."

· 10 Dec 2006, 10am - I saw Tom DeLonge at the LAX Southwest baggage claim standing among the pasty folks from Northern California on their way to the Long Beach cruise terminal. I hope Tom got the cheap internet fare too, otherwise it's not worth the hearding and subsequent scramble for a seat.

· While stopped at a red light on Beverly Blvd. near the Beverly Center, who should happen to pass in front of me but Amber Benson and Adam Busch—actors best known for their roles as murderee and murderer (respectively) on Buffy the Vampire Slayer—holding hands, looking couple-y.

In today's musical episode: Andy Dick; Sean Connery; Lindsay Lohan; Elijah Wood; Cameron Crowe; Julian McMahon; James Franco; Chris "Ludacris" Bridges; Chris Robinson; Mandy Patinkin; Kevin Connelly; Bobcat Goldthwait; Robin Tunney; Travis Barker; Kelly Osbourne; Shirley Manson and Jermaine Jackson.

· Went to KingKing last night (Sunday, 20August) to see my hairstylist (Bijou de la Mer— she's got this HOT Rita Hayworth hotness going on) perform her burlesque routine in Victory Variety Hour's production, "Super Nova A-Go-Go". Great band plays (Candypants- woo!) and who shows up to hang with the lead singer after? Andy Dick. We were eager to witness him lick or pee on someone. Instead he just hung out in a dark corner of the bar back by the loos. When the MC commented on Andy being there, Andy shouted "Andy Dick needs a drink!". He had an obnoxiously loud conversation during part of the MC's schtick (which by that point, had grown tiresome anyway). I was disappointed he didn't make some sick comment to me as I walked past him to the girly room. Apparently he went to college with me— but I STILL don't recall ever seeing him on our very small campus. Sadly nothing more exciting to report unless it happened after we left at 11:30pm.

· This one is about a month old, 'cause I simply forgot to send it. We were treating some clients to an overpriced lunch at Spago and spotted sexy septuagenerian Sean Connery on the patio, lunching with a couple of agent-types. Waiting in the valet line, I noticed a crowd of maybe a dozen geeks standing ready, armed with the requisite 40-year-old photos of Dr. No-era Bond pix, psyched up to pounce as soon as Sean showed his wrinkled face. As my car was delivered, Sean shuffled out and was engulfed by the geeks, and my last sight was of him trying to walk up Canon while dutifully signing pictures and posters that were probably on eBay by the end of the day. The way he seemed resigned to this led me to believe it's a constant nag for him, leaving me to almost feel sorry for him... a devil's bargain for all the wealth and trim he earned all his life. You're the old man now, dog!

· So I'm chilling out at Guys last night (8/22/06) on Beverly and La Cienega for Karaoke night. I'm there with my normal, unfamous friends, chilling out and having a blast. At around 1 AM in walks Lindsay LOHO, wearing what can only be described as a babushka to shield her from the throngs of fans (It was half empty by this point). She comes in, stands by the bar, and I decide whether to a) contact the producers of Georgia Rule (which I don't know) to let them know their starlet is out at it again, b) tell her I am a huge fan of the Parent Trap and nothing she has done since or c) make a Mel Gibson joke to break the ice. By the time I could decide which route to take that would get me one step closer to the famous firecrotch, she exits GUYS stage right with her friends from Laguna Beach (Heidi and LC). Once outside, the valet let her cut the line of people waiting. Lohan and co. piled into a brand new Escalade, which she looks ridiculous behind the wheel of, where she proceeded to put a cigarette in her mouth, never light it up, and then tear ass outta there at like 60 mph. To the set of Georgie Rule???? Could she be late??? Who knows. Point is, LOHO has not learned her lesson and her Jewish Holocaust survivor get-up isn't fooling anyone.

· Last night (8/22) walked by Elijah Wood on Abbot Kinney in Venice. He was headed into the deli on the corner at California Ave. He apparently lives in Venice. The dude is short and intense.

· Wednesday, 8/16, 3 PM, Paramount Watertower Cafe, Cameron Crowe. Technically this probably doesn't count, since: a) Cameron Crowe and b) on a lot, but the weird thing was how all the late-lunching assistants and junior execs swiveled as one as though the Messiah had just returned and was ordering sushi right in front of them, omg. Every single person there was staring at him with this creepy-drooly Homer Simpson expression. Did no one see "Vanilla Sky"?

· Today, 8/18, the more famous Julian McMahon of Nip/Tuck, also at Paramount (sorry.) He's very pretty and tall and has broad shoulders and is ludicrously good-looking. I was in the process of trying to walk and drink coffee at the same time, which led to me spilling it all over myself and generally looking like a retard. McMahon paused, amazed that I was blocking his path, and raised his eyebrows in polite, devastating disbelief. Scrapbook moment!

· Wednesday, saw James Franco at the Alcove having an early dinner/very late lunch with another young guy. They were working on a script on his laptop. The Friend spilled his chai latte and James was right on top of it, immediately ordering him another. How nice.

· Chris Robinson with a posse of (mostly) guy friends at La Cita bar in downtown LA last night (8/24).

· Saturday, 8/19: at Monroe's in Weho at an LRG dvd (skate vid) screening. My girl was able to work out a little VIP booth action for a group of us ladies, which helped considering we all felt like we were straight outta the Ming Dynasty, amongst the skaters and their minions. Close to the end of the night, we were promptly and most aggressively booted from the booth by none other than Chris "Ludicris" Bridges and entourage. Admittedly, I'm a big fan of the "Ludi", and was able to finagle my way back to the bar in front of the booth for a closer look. Mr. Bridges was looking super cute with a shaved head (new look?), but not so much cute at all were the ladies he was rolling with, kinda dissappointing.

· Sunday, August 20th @ 945am. Equinox Westwood. Princess Bride's Inigo Montoya/Mandy Patinkin on an elliptical trainer, reading a thin script undoubtedly for Criminal Minds and mouthing lines to himself. He then moved to the stretching area and with his New Balance shoes off, did some ab work., yoga poses/back rolls, and other odd Praying Mantis like stretches. He then actually showered in the locker room. I point this out as all the celebs I've seen at Equinoxes all over LA—Dave Navarro, Kevin Connolly, Pauly Shore, Mena Suvari, among others—never actually go into the locker room to shower afterwards and instead scurry off to get sweat all over the seats of their Prius'! Mandy left wearing chinos, a white v-neck tee tucked in and a cell phone on his belt. He also had one of those Whole Foods looking canvas bags as his gym bag which looked more like he was shopping at a Farmer's Market than working out at a gym!!

· I didn't think it was that notable, but Kevin Connelly was dining solo last Friday at Koi around 10ish while Nicky and Paris were at the Justin Timberlake show. He had a pack of Camel Lights and was on his blackberry for a while. He sat at the Sushi bar, corner spot, and was very understanding while people nagged him. He said he was doing reshoots since 5:30 am, finishing at 9 pm.

· Last night (8/21) saw Bobcat Goldthwait shopping at the the Ralph's on 3rd and LaBrea with his very tattooed lady friend. I knew he had gotten all skinny and old-looking, but seeing it in person made me so sad. I used to have such a huge crush on him when I was 10 and he was in the Police Academy movies and One Crazy Summer.

· At the Academy's Barry Lyndon screening on Monday night, saw Robin Tunney walking in. It was pointed out to me that the season 2 premiere of her show (Prison Break) was happening at the same time. Perhaps she's just a die-hard Kubrick fan like the kook in the audience who brought a framed Barry Lyndon poster for Ryan O'Neal to autograph.

· Saturday August 19th. on the bike strand along the beach in santa monica...while riding my bike on the final leg of my Pacific Palisades to Marina del Rey, back to the Palisades jaunt, I passed a skateboarding, newly single, Travis Barker. Looked the same as always...crooked baseball cap, no shirt, baggy shorts and tats everywhere. i only wish i had "F-you" money so's I could get that kinda artwork done to me.

· Sunday Morning. Babalu on Montana.

I was enjoying a delightful Santa Monica breakfast with some out of
town guests who kept complaining that we hadn't seen any celebrities when who walks in to dine at the next booth but Travis Barker, the 3 kids and the Nanny. No Shayna (sp?) in sight. He was very attentive to and laughing with the two older ones while the baby slept. He ordered chocolate chip pancakes for the kids. Man is he skinny. Everyone in the restaraunt did their best "not to notice" him.

· Tuesday morning, 8/15 heading west on Beverly Blvd, I see two girls about to cross the street (no light, no pedestrian walkway) and as I'm picturing this turning into a game of Frogger...I noticed that they clearly had not been home yet - as I get even closer I see it's none other than Kelly Osbourne and some tragic hipster girlfriend. I'm assuming still being up at 8:10 am might constitute another "vacation".

· I'm pretty certain we had a Shirley Manson sighting at Mexico City in Los Feliz Sunday night. She was eating dinner with two non-famous people so my dinner pals weren't entirely convinced it was her. But she had an appropriately UK accent. Didn't hear much else of the conversation as the non-famous lady was doing way more talking.

· Jermaine Jackson, now Muhammad Abdul Azi according to Wikipedia, rolling down Rodeo in his, yes, Rolls-Royce convertible (top down) on Friday, August 18 at 6:30p. As I trailed him through the stop-and-go traffic, his brother Michael's "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' " came on the radio, so I rolled down the windows and cranked up the volume. It seemed like the thing to do.

In this week's skank-friendly episode: Liv Tyler and Adam Sandler; Keanu Reeves; Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams; Lindsay Lohan and Maroon 5; Kiefer Sutherland; Brett Ratner and Michelle Trachtenberg; Paris Hilton and Paul McCartney; Donatella Versace; Kevin Federline; Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman; Elijah Wood and Rebecca DeMornay; Teri Hatcher; Matthew Perry; Sean Hayes and Billy Joel; Eric McCormack; Sarah Polley; Taylor Hicks; Chris Daughtry; Adrian Grenier; David Krumholtz ; Nicole Richie; Chrstina Aguilera; Donald Faison, Justin Kirk and Parker Posey; David Boreanaz; Serena Williams; Jennifer Love Hewitt; Jeff Goldblum; Kevin Smith; Jason Lee; Neil Patrick Harris; Danny Bonaduce; Donovan Leitch; Master P and Romeo; Bob Saget; Crispin Glover; Vanessa Marcil; Jacqueline Bisset; Eliza Dushku; David Faustino; Joey Slotnick; Corey Feldman; Federico Castelluccio; David Gest and David Johansen.

· Just had an uncomfortable silence in the elevator with Liv Tyler and Adam Sandler on the way back to work (714 West Olympic), think they're filming Empty City upstairs. He also rejected my cheetos I tried to offer him. how lame. He thought it was funny though.

· Sunday 4/16 at Nobu Malibu. Eating fish with my girl a few tables away from Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon. No kid in sight, they were happy and chatty and hungry. Fools packed away some fish! She was rocking a look similar to her Lord of The Rings get up, minus the pointy ears. She's pretty hot. Royston looked like every other Joe Malibu/Hollywood. Couldn't pick him out of a crowd. But they seemed happy, so Happy Hollywood Couple bonus points.

· Keanu Reeves at the Foundation Room annual "Pajama Party" anniversary bash Saturday night. No jammies for Keanu. Don't know why he was there, actually. The rest of us were in our bunny slippers; he was wearing a sportcoat. Was with some blonde chick who was very, very effed up. Left her out on the verandah while he went inside to party for a while. Came back, took her by the arm, dragged her down the hallway while she said "I don't know why I let you do this to me." Obviously put her out in a car or something because he returned shortly after—sans blonde—to resume partying. Would have liked to see his jammies, though -exactly what sort of pajamas would Neo wear?

· 4/12, Downtown Los Angeles, 4:45pm, Ryan Gosling was walking by City Hall after what I'm assuming to be a hard day of filming. He looked good, a little thin, but very handsome in real life. Had a bit of an arrogant air about him, like he expected to be recognized, but that was not unappealing. No sign of his other half, Rachel McAdams.

· -4/9/06: Like McAdams loves Gosling...spotted these sweethearts at Millie's Cafe in Silver Lake. They brunched with a male friend, who looked actor-ish, but I couldn't place him. Ryan Gosling was just adorkable, and Rachel McAdams was a tad dumpy, which surprised me because she seems to have adorable style otherwise. They were very cute together and left together on his motorcycle.

· on a rainy tuesday night spotted lindsay lohan and crew plus maroon 5 hanging out between the bowery and magnolia on sunset. the young ones were not allowed to drink.

· Saw Kiefer Sutherland choodlin' down Vermont with a friend near Skylight Books this past Sunday. He seemed placid and far less agitated than that afternoon's debacle at the t-shirt kiosk would suggest. We asked him for a personal story of medical emergency for an artpiece we were doing but he politely demurred. Staircase wit dictated I yell after him, "Lost Boys is the best movie ever!" - alas, attention captured by Skylight's tuff tailless cat and a sexxxy nurse instead.

· Saturday, April 1- The Ivy: My weekend (life, sigh) is now complete. After enjoying a lovely 2+ hour lunch with the fam, saw Brett Ratner and 3 friends get out of a Bentley while waiting for my car at the valet stand. He walked in, sans reservation, and was taken to a table that was meant for 3 if you squeezed. The host, unphased by his super stardom, informed him that was all that was available. Too bad Brett, back to the valet stand you go. Upon his return, I realized that one of the 2 females in his party was an almost non-existent Michelle Trachtenberg. She was leaning on his shoulder, probably because she couldn't support her own body weight. Ratner, on the other hand, was packing enough pudge for the both of them. Too bad they got turned down for a table, looks like she could've used a meal or 50.

· So over at the recording studios, who rocks up last evening but Paris Hilton. Already here is Sir Paul [ed. McCartney, we're assuming] , cheerfully running around and making merry. Paris spent 5 minutes after parking her McLaren (of the wing doors) with the door up in the air going 'ohhh notice me in my cool car.' After hiking up her butt-crack Juicy pants, she wandered over to the recording studios in her Backstreet Boy Wife-Beater tank. She paused before Sir Paul who took one look at the spectacle that is Paris, sniffed, and turned back to his conversation. Paris marched on, bowed and a bit wrinkled.

· Santa Monica 3rd street Promenade, Lucky store - saw an emaciated figure in skin tight black pants with a really bad peroxide job. The stick figure was with a minder which merited further investigation. Emaciated figure turned out to be Donatella Versace
Santa Monica Fairmont hotel later that same evening- K-Fed, shorter then expected with a shit-eating ( I scored the golden ticket) grin on his face, carrying a can of cheap beer. About what I expected.

· Bill Paxton cruising down little santa monica in bh with small posse a couple steps behind this afternoon. He had this weird shiteating grin and he stopped to say hi to someone and said 'yeah, we got picked up!' which i guess means we'll be seeing more of his ass (literally) on hbo.

· Stood in line at Sprinkles for 20 minutes plus for a $3.25 cupcake (what? those red velvets are well worth it)...right behind the very affable, cozy, and normal-behaving Jimmy Kimmel & Sarah Silverman with a young teen girl (seemed like Kimmel's sis perhaps). Both wearing baseball caps (ASU for him - weird? - & NY for her) and sunglasses, they never complained about the wait, puffed their chests out, or demanded their cupcakes nowdammiti'macelebritydonchaknow. What a pleasure. They seemed like two people I'd like to slap a beer back with.

· 4/5 - A trip to Trader Vic's yielded a night with Elijah Wood, Rebecca DeMornay, and the cell-phone toting DeMornay wunderkinds. Wood's ever-growing posse listened with rapt attention as Mr. Frodo said something about something while wearing a little outfit with a tie that said something else about his sexuality. Remarkably, two drunken racist lumberjack-types came to our table to ask if we were celebrities. We said no (we were 3 filthy corporate lawyers and a recent Guatamalan émigré, don't ask), but a female co-worker humored them with a dead-on impression of Frodo waking, rubbing his eyes, and exclaiming "Gandalf!?" And scene.

· Saw Teri Hatcher yesterday (4-5) at Prive Salon on Beverly. She was getting her hair colored. Skeletal but kind of hot. She wasn't making out with anyone even though there were plenty of gay dudes there for the party. In a crazy town like this, it's refreshing to see a loyal beard.

· Matthew Perry at Arclight tonight. Walking up and down the ailes of the gift shop with no purpose other than to get noticed. No one bit. No one cared. He then went into the men's room. Watching him do it was just so, so sad. I actually felt sorry for him, but then I remembered how much money he made off that show.

· Had dinner last night at Nobu and was seated right next to Sean Hayes and other random Velvet Mafiosos. Not bad, but things went to the next level when his party was joined by Billy Joel, looking portly yet healthy, and his fiancee, who is smokin' hot and looks about all of 20. I'll keep the snark to a minimum out of respect for the fact that this is guy who wrote "Summer, Highland Falls". No booze was brought to the table.

· Good Friday at the Farmers Market. Eric McCormack asking for the "more interesting of the gruyeres" at Mr. Marcel's. Husband's comment, "He's taller than you'd expect." That's a new one.

· Saw Eric McCormack at the Farmer's Market on Friday, April 14th. Saw Sarah Polley running up and down Runyon Canyon at least twice on Monday, April 17th.

· Last night at Amoeba I saw Taylor Hicks shopping after the Tuesday Idol show. There was a large black handler man watching over him. He was in the back room looking through the jazz section and seemed very excited to be there. As were we all.

· Sunday the 2nd around 1pm. Chris Daughtry at the Sheraton by LAX. He was looking hot as usual in jeans and a clingy T shirt. He was holding a baby and going into Starbucks with some older ladies.

· Ogled Entourage's Adrian Grenier at last night's Ima Robot show at the House of Blues. Hot and, as far as I could tell, alone. More disturbing was standing in front of Numb3rs star David Krumholtz for most of the band's set. Not only because he stabbed Kelli Martin to death on ER, but because he appeared to be wearing a bright yellow Ronald McDonald fright wig. Inexplicable!

· Walking back from lunch along Beverly Drive today, I saw a group of guys, five or six of them, hanging around outside Color Me Mine. Paparazzi. How do I know? Because they each had cameras with enormous lenses and looked like greasy Europeans. I thought for a second about peering into the store to see which prey they were stalking, but just continued on my way. Good thing, too - I passed a woman on a cell phone as I walked on, and overheard her say, "Eh, no, it's just Nicole Richie. She's doing pottery or something.

· Saw the skinniest pair of legs I've ever seen walk into Sushi Nozawa lunch today. Of course it was Nicole Richie. She's really scary looking.

· Ex-pop princess Xtina Aguilera (what has she done for me lately?) and her husband Jordan Bratman eating a late lunch (4pmish) at the ever-popular Hugo's Restaurant. Both wearing baseball caps and looking down at their food, didn't look like there was much conversation to be had. Remarkably, Xtina's hair was straight and sort of real-looking, rather than her fried wannabe Marilyn curls trend of of late.

- Big morning at the Coffee Bean on Sunset & Fairfax. Inside, I saw "Scrubs" star Donald Faison chatting basketball with another patron, wearing sweats and making over-exaggerated facial expressions just like he does on the show. Outside, indie fave Parker Posey and Justin Kirk from "Weeds" (I fucking love that show) were sitting and chatting like old friends, her little white fluffy dog wandered around dragging its leash on the ground. She was a little jumpy but smiley and he is hotter and straighter-looking than you'd think after "Angels in America."

· just saw david boreanaz at my gym (equinox on sunset). he was at the end of his workout, looking quite fit. no vamps in sight. that is all.

· Go to the Four Season for the Easter Brunch buffet and you're going to see some celebs. It's really that simple. While piling prime rib on my plate at the carving station (trip #3) I noticed there was this badly behaved but cute little blonde kid rolling around in the middle of the room on the floor, like a dog scratching it's back on some rough carpet as dad hovered over him laughing. Dad was David Boreanaz of Buffy, Angel, and now Bones fame. Minus the teen-angsty brooding he is almost unrecognizable.

· Friday, March 30- Koi Coming in for an 8pm resi, saw Serena Williams dining with her mom among others. Shes just as big and muscular as she looks on TV. This sparked the conversation topic of how she and Wolverstien Brett Ratner could've possibly dated. On a not so notable other sighting, dined at the table next to Brittney Gastineau.

· Staggering from the mimosas and almost ready to pop, my gal and I spotted Jennifer Love Hewitt waiting for a table on our way out. She was wearing an orange dress and looked utterly stunning upon first glance, but as my eyes inspected the rest of her frame a disturbingly skeletal outline revealed itself. I hope she made four trips to the buffet like I did because she really needs to eat. Not that anything would have stayed down for long, but still; even the tease of sustenance would do her body good.

· Tue., April 11: Jeff Goldblum walking down Sunset in front of Peet's Coffee. Looking gawkier than ever with those tinted glasses he always seems to be wearing. The first thing that came to mind were those photos of him romping around on the beach a couple years ago. Funny, I can't remember what my dead grandmother looks like without aid of a photograph, but I still remember exactly what Goldblum's wang looks like.

· Whole Foods WeHo last Friday at lunchtime, saw KEVIN SMITH at the salad bar. Naturally I stared straight into his cart - literally filled to the brim with red wine and French bread. Clearly one who embraces his carbs. He looked just like how you'd expect Kevin Smith to look — smart but unkempt, wearing shorts and some sort of jersey. He has lots of hair and yet a giant bald spot in the middle. Curious. Later, he was in the same check out line as me with a very pretty, brunette girl in pigtails. I believe the woman may have been his wife, as they seemed very natural together. I checked out and left before I could get a good ending to this sighting.

· Saw a charmingly scruffy Jason Lee on the LACMA courtyard on Sunday afternoon around 5 p.m., holding a baby of indeterminate sex. He (Lee, not the baby) was getting harassed by a table full of old men who couldn't remember the name of "Chasing Amy" until Lee reminded them. He looked somewhat exasperated to have been relegated to "that guy from that thing" status by a bunch of octogenarians.

· Neil Patrick Harris at the Westwood Equinox today (4/15). He's actually a regular there, but today was a classic as he was working out under the TV that happened to be showing "80's Child Stars" on E! and all of a sudden, there was Doogie Howser on screen. It was very meta.

· Just saw Danny Bonaduce holding his son Dante and walking into a liquor store on Hillhurst. There are so many things I could say about that scenario, but they're all too easy. What a trainwreck.

· Mon., April 10: A scraggly-looking Donovan Leitch grabbing a cup of coffee at Peet's. I had no idea who he was, but a drooly female co-worker spotted him instantly. She tried to explain who he was to me, but I kept saying "who?" while he was waiting for his fancy whipped coffee drink about three people away from me. Finally she said "the son of Donovan" - that hardly helped. A quick look on IMDB at the desk showed me that he was in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo - much more impressive than his gig on Grey's Anatomy.

· Thursday afternoon in the Sherman Oaks Costco parking lot, Master P sat in the front seat of his SUV while some kind of custody trade-off was taking place around him. A woman in pink stretch pants and a lot of jewelry unloaded children from the back of her black SUV into the back of his huge silver one. There was no eye contact or conversation between the woman and the Master (I can't think what he might be the Master of). He had a phone to his head, but never seemed to say anything into it. He's surprisingly creepy in person. He drove away with like 7 kids in the car. Romeo was in the front passenger seat.

· Bob Saget having dinner at Chaya Venice (4/5) with his adorable daughter. I didn't catch any obscenities or jokes about coke, so it seemed like just a nice normal father-daughter outing.

· 4/6 - Spotted Crispin Glover and a petite, improbably blonde companion at the Magic Castle (where else?). The nattily attired Mr. McFly looked healthy and happy, and showed no inclination to engage anyone in swordplay, head-kicking, or strung-out, rambling interviews. Sigh. Much of the crowd was already too drunk to recognize their own dates, let alone him.

· 4/11/06: Vanessa Marcil from NBC's "Las Vegas" with her loverman at Madame Matisse on Sunset. She kind of doesn't matter, but I thought it might be important to point out that her tiny skull is bearing the load of the biggest, saddest, collagen-injected lips I have ever seen in real life. They look like sausages. Also, she was crying instead of eating, which is kind of not funny, but perhaps explains why all of her ribs were visible through her shirt. I just saw on the NBC website that Lara Flynn Boyle is now on "Las Vegas" as well, perhaps she's become Marcil's aesthetic mentor? Yikes!!

· I know this is probably a little too seventies for Defamer, but I have to say: walked into Jacqueline Bisset at a screening at the City of Lights/City of Angels Festival at the DGA, and good fucking God! This woman must be sixty and would out-scorch all the 25-year-olds in the room. Still insanely, horrifyingly hot beyond all description. I can't imagine what she must've been like at 25...if you saw her, you'd turn into a pillar of salt.

· Friday night @ Mood, my girls & I were waiting in line (we were next to go in), when Eliza Dushku and her blonde friend pulled up in a cab. Eliza hugged the bouncer, talked to him for a bit, gave him some kind of business card and invited him to something... then they showed their IDs to another bouncer to get inside. Eliza was dressed really cute (she's so tiny!!) with her Chloe Paddington bag, but her hair looked a little mullet-y... my friend said it was perhaps due to the rainy night & the way she had it clipped back. We saw her again inside, but she seemed to leave pretty quickly after she got there... like she was looking for someone who wasn't there.

· saturday night (4/9/06) david faustino aka bud bundy at Trocadero in WeHo. He is VERY short. he was dancing with a couple www.averagegirls.com type girls (not very attractive, but not fugly). the girls had the whole "hip hop video/booty clap" type dancing thing going on.

friday night 4/8/06 Joey Slotnick (the dude from nip/tuck who traded his lamborghini for kimber...i think his name was merrill) at cat & fiddle hanging out at the bar by himself. seemed like a pretty nice guy.

· I saw Corey Feldman at the "low cost" (87 grade at $2.99 a gallon!) gas station in Studio City on Coldwater Canyon. My man is tiny, wearing light jeans, a tie dye T, a flannel, the classic black Ray Bans and a lumberjack style cap that covered his bottle-black hair. He hit my Amazonian ass at boob height and kept the gaze locked there as he yakked into a cell phone. I wanted to ask him how his music career was going (remember him on Stern doing that "Former Child Actor" song?!) but it took longer to fill his Mercedes than it did my Escort.

· Saturday at the bagel place on Larchmont: FURIO from "The Sopranos" (I had to look him up on IMDB: Federico Castelluccio). I totally didn't recognize him but my boyfriend pegged him right away, ordering bagels in line in front of us. He met up with some other (suspiciously Italian looking...?) actor, they were discussing roles, etc. Ah, Hollywood. Whacked on The Sopranos, lookin' for a job...

· Saturday night, April 8, I was in Studio City at a teeny-tiny bar called the Fox & Hounds Pub. I was there to see the Cowsills, that band from the '60s that the Partridge Family was based on (don't laugh—they were amazing). Anyway, for some reason '70s pop singer Freda Payne was in the audience. She got up to sing "Band of Gold" with the Cowsills, but I could barely see her because this MASSIVE guy was blocking my view. He wasn't even watching the band—he just kept looking from side-to-side, as if he was guarding someone. Then I saw that he WAS guarding someone—David Gest! I guess the ex-Mr. Minnelli needs a bodyguard in case he runs into Liza. I was so close to him, I could drink in all his plastic surgery. His left cheek looks like someone took a rusty razor blade and just dug in. I couldn't imagine what David Gest was doing in the Valley at a bar the size of my living room. Well, when Freda Payne was done singing, he latched onto her, whispering all giggly in her ear for the rest of the set. Then they left together. Is he now trying to lure poor Freda into holy matrimony?

· David Johansen of the New York Dolls at Equinox in West Hollywood. I think he was going for a spa treatment.

I am not one who usually feels anything but envy in regards to celebrities, but my heart went out to poor Frodo, aka ELIJAH WOOD, at Starbucks on Vermont this morning (2/22). Frodo spilled one of the three drinks he was buying and the Bucky's employees were super nice about it. But not even sure they recognized him, they're all overly cheerful there. Anyway, this totally skeezy dude, maybe in his early 50s, corners unassuming Frodo and starts to pitch him some project! I felt so embarrassed for Frodo I had to turn away...and simply eavesdrop instead of openly stare. Frodo was a true gentleman, not only LISTENING to this guy's "pitch" but even asking him questions.

The dude is like, "Where can I send you the script?" If you can believe it, Frodo nicely named his agent and agency. The skeezy "producer" guy kept getting the agent's name wrong and she's a pretty big time agent, as in if you have any legitimacy in the biz at all you'd already know who she was. Then the "producer" dude actually had the nerve to say to Frodo, "So, do you live around here?" Frodo was trapped into explaining that no, he lives in Venice, but his mom was at a hairdresser's up the street. How cute is that?? Not only does he hang out with his MOM while she's getting her hair done but even fetches her coffee!! (Hmmm. Maybe he's gay after all.) I was so riveted with the Frodo drama this morning, I put like 14 packs of Sweet n Low into my coffee just to keep listening and almost accosted Frodo on the way out simply to say, "Dude, I feel your pain."

All in all, Wood handled the delicate situation the only way he could. As any recognizable actor can tell you, local Starbucks are a virtual minefield of maniacs patiently waiting for an opportunity to pitch you a career-saving blockbuster, and the slightest sign that you're blowing off their advances could result in being beaten to death with a last-generation Powerbook. It's best to nod, give out your agent's information, and let them deal with the subsequent threats on their life.

• Previously: Overheard Celebrity Movie Reviews: Elijah Wood On Narnia [Defamer]

Elijah Wood after the cast and crew screening of The Chronicles of Narnia at the ArcLight said:"The little girl carried the film. British teeth and all."

So sayeth the prophet Elijah: Disney's epic succeeds because a gifted child actress refused to wait for her date with the Tooth Faerie and bravely seized stardom from the terrifying maw of corrective dentistry.

• Overheard: Agent Mulder Didn’t Love “Elizabethtown” [Defamer]

“There’s one that’s called elijahwoodisveryverygay, which is actually a personal favorite of mine, it’s absolutely hilarious,” Wood said, reports World Entertainment News Network. “It’s this kind of joke Web site that maintains that they have proof that I am very, very gay in various photographs — photographic evidence (of me) holding hands with a male.”

Wood says some of the “photos” are pretty realistic. “I was actually at a film festival once... and this fan came up with a gift... I open the gift in front of all these people that I’m talking to and it happens to be a photo from one of these Web sites of me and [LOTR co-star] Dominic Monaghan making sweet love,” Wood explains.” If you didn’t know any better, it kinda looks real. These people have a lot of time on their hands and my hat’s off (to them) because it’s very good work.””

Wood is obviously so comfortable with his sexuality that he's not afraid to wreak havoc with everyone else's. That picture of his face emerging from a plywood birth canal probably did some profound psychic damage to fellow breeders. Our nightsweats won't abate for weeks.

• Elijah Wood gets laugh out of gay rumors [MSNBC]
• Elijah Wood is Very, Very Gay [veryverygay.com]