Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello has the news that in an upcoming episode of the the show, Chuck makes out with a guy. He doesn't actually go gay (though his outfits always have been) but he does it to help Blair along with one of her little schemes. Looks like Chuck would do anything for love, including that. The lucky fellow is Neal Bledsoe (see him shirtless here) and he guest stars in the sixth episode. In our gay minds, actor Ed Westwick orchestrated this whole thing to make former roommate Chace Crawford jealous. Yeah, even our fantasy life sounds exactly like an episode of Gossip Girl

MisterHippity's new line beats the original, "I Love Meat."

Clint Eastwood
Not sure he really needs replacing (or can be replaced at all), as he's sort of a singular cultural institution unto himself. But if we're in the mood for a gruff, crime fightin', six gun shootin', conservative with a puddly sentimental heart, then I think we need look no further than Keanu Reeves. Don't go crazy! Yes, I understand that there was a grumbly gravitas that Eastwood brought to his silly actioners that Keanu decidedly does not bring to his, but they're kind of the same. Both, frankly, can't act for beans but it doesn't matter! There's something criminally appealing about them. They're dazzling us with their flat line delivery while pickpocketing our souls! Plus, Keanu's 44 now (can you believe that??) so he'll soon be ambling into safely Grizzled territory. Then he can start directing pictures about weary men in the weary world who wearily do weary things, like kill their molested childhood best friends or kill their ladyboxer protege, just like Clint! Just think, in thirty years time "Whoa." will be the new "Make my day."

Joaquin Phoenix
Well, this is a little difficult because he wasn't really that much of a movie star to begin with. But the Oscar-nominated star of Gladiator and the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line was getting big. He's got that brooding strangeness, a willful devotion to his craft resembling an angry Johnny Depp. So who could fill these curious little worn-out shoes? How about similarly-faced Gossip Girl fop Ed "Chuckles Bass" Westwick? He plays in a band, just like Joaquin! And he's shown some prissy talent and a penchant for looking gloweringly stupid while offering terse, wannabe cryptic answers to inane interview questions. Whether he's got the weird talent that Phoenix has (had?) remains to be seem. But right now he's shaping up to be a fine candidate.

Nicole Kidman
OK, she's not "officially" retiring, but she did mention it off-handedly in an interview recently! An icy internationalist with a taste for the artsy out-there movies and the big commercial films? Kidman is sort of a dream come true for Hollywood (or, at least, she was until she had a long string of bombs—The Invasion anyone?—and her face became strangely plasticine). Does any young actress have her strange, sad alien grace, those same purring smarts? Harry Potter sidekick/burgeoning sex symbol Emma Watson might in a few years. As might a couple other young actresses. But really Sienna Miller seems best poised to take the mantle. She's not American either! And she became famous for dating a famous guy (Jude Law) before she became a famous actress (is she a famous actress yet?), just like Nicole did with a now-forgotten character actor named Tom Cruise. She's cold and probably talented and already inured to the tabloid frenzy.

Angelina Jolie
Luckily, gloriously be-lipped charitably minded multi-culti talented actresses just grow on trees. We kid, we kid! Angelina Jolies are pretty rare! There are like only two of them per billion people. Which means 11 others exist, and we must find them. Who else can shoot guns and throw knives convincingly one minute, then sob and moan and act a little nuts effectively the next? Maybe this young Kristen Stewart from Twinklight could do it. She seems weird and grumpy and above-it-all. Someone put an Uzi in her hand and she how she does. Though she doesn't have the natural beauty of Jolie. Oh fuck it. You know what? She said it would probably be thirty years before she retired anyway. The new Angelina Jolie is Angelina Jolie. She's only 33 after all. (Can you believe it?)

Really the problem is that the whole talent pool has become so diluted. We're not saying that there aren't talented, beautiful people anymore, just the opposite. There are way too many out there. Meg Ryan was in every romantic comedy for a few years. That was it. No one else. Now we've got Elizabeth Banks and Kate Hudson and Sandra Bullock (sort of?) and Anne Hathaway and etc. etc. Too many. We blame the internet. We're not sure why, but this is probably its fault.

Chace is cheerfully reeling off the indictments against him. "Model turned actor, dime a dozen, eye candy, doesn't know what he's doing ... and Perez Hilton says I have 'gayface.' So on top of everything else, I have to overcome gayface."

Somewhere, we hear America Ferrera rolling her eyes! We ask you, could a unicorn overcome its horn? Could a sun overcome its shine? Chace, kiddo, it's that "gayface" that got you where you are today. You don't disown it. You pull an American Eagle cap down over it, take it to Splash, and use it to rake in free appletinis until the bartender shouts "Last call!"

• OMFG! IT'S THE GOSSIP BOYS! [Details]