Schedule & Activities

DECEMBER 23:

* Winner and guests arrive in Cleveland (Time TBD)
* 3pm: Check into a suite at the Renaissance Cleveland Hotel
* Visit the former Higbee’s Department Store Window (next to Renaissance Hotel)

DECEMBER 24:

* 10am: Personal behind-the-scenes tour of A Christmas Story House & Museum
* Ride in family car (weather permitting) and receive bars of Lifebuoy Soap
* Try on original costumes from the movie
* Read through the costume “bible” that includes photos and notes from the production
* 2pm: Check into A Christmas Story House
* Large FRA-GI-LE Major Award crate delivered to the front door of the house (yours to keep – provided by A Christmas Story House). Crow bar provided to open.
* Go out to check the mail for Decoder pins delivered to mailbox (one for each guest and yours to keep - provided by A Christmas Story House)
* Climb under the sink just like Randy
* 5pm: Chinese Turkey Dinner at Pearl of the Orient
* 7pm: Back to A Christmas Story House to watch “A Christmas Story” in the house it was filmed (25th Anniversary DVD is yours to keep; popcorn and sodas provided)
* 9pm: Spend the night in A Christmas Story House sleeping in Ralphie and Randy's bedroom!

DECEMBER 25:

* 8am: Open presents in A Christmas Story House living room
* Continental breakfast basket provided by A Christmas Story House
* Presents included: 2 BB guns (behind the desk), blue bowling ball, can of Simonize, and a bunny suit, 4 Christmas Story House shirts. (provided by A Christmas Story House)
* Bring your own presents to unwrap as well
* Shoot BB guns in the back yard (provided by A Christmas Story House)
* 1pm: Check out of A Christmas Story House and return to Renaissance Hotel (Room is reserved for you)

• Spend Christmas Eve & Morning in the house from A Christmas Story [eBay]
• “A Christmas Story” 25th Anniversary Celebration & Convention [achristmasstoryhouse.com]
• You'll Shoot Your Thigh Out [Thighs Wide Shut]

A pair of size-28 Calvin Klein white briefs once belonging to Wacko Jacko will be auctioned on eBay tomorrow, with a reserve price of $1 million.

The unwashed underpants have a sensational past. They were part of the evidence confiscated in 2003 by then-Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon, who wanted a DNA sample for his unsuccessful child-molestation case against the washed-up King of Pop... For extra authenticity, the briefs come sealed in an evidence bag and wrapped with police tape.

Obviously, the seven-figure reserve price leaves this particular memento beyond the reach of the casual Jackson collector, such as ourselves. Rather, we expect this auction will boil down to a two-way bidding war between eBay users SheikAttack29—logging in from a domain somewhere in Dubai—and MarkCubanRocks, both of whom hope to use the precious DNA to clone their own Jackson, already booked for an eight-performances-a-week Vegas showroom residency until 3069.

• IN BRIEF: JACKO'S UNDIES FOR SALE [Page Six]

"A visit to the set of Spider-Man 4 (one shooting day)...A meet and greet with the cast (1 hour)...A walk-on/ extra role in the film for the auction winner only (Role and length of screen time to be determined by Sony Pictures)...

Designer outfits to wear to premiere for winner and guest from top designers (Designers to be chosen by Sony Pictures...Winner and guest may keep the outfits)"

As /Film points out, however, Spider-Man 4 hasn't actually gotten a greenlight yet. But presuming it does—who doesn't want to see how things played out after Tobey Maguire (or was it Topher Grace?) dirty danced with Kirsten Dunst (or was it Bryce Dallas Howard?)—we think this will be an experience you'll not soon forget, particularly if a sadistic PR exec insists your outfits be designed by Ace Uniforms, "Southern California's first name in quality caterwaiterwear."

• Spider-Man 4 Premiere, Meet & Greets, Walk On + More [eBay via /Film]

After intensely studying the works of Volney Mathison, inventor of the e-meter, and L. Ron Hubbard, who ripped off Mathison to make his own similar meter, I've reached into the future and hacked, ripped off, and refined the e-meters of the past with this Mark 9000 e-meter! The improvements you'll notice right away. And this is handcrafted! And I don't even want to tell you how long it took to make!

On the front you will see that it is a simplified reading from either Mathison's or Scientology's. If there is an engram or a thetan, the meter will show that, and the non-functioning lights will wish they could blink appropriately. Note also that the dial on the lower left goes up to 11! Show me anybody else's meter that goes to 11!

On the inside you will see the technology I have discovered. What better way to detect thetans but with thetans! The green porcine thetan looks for nonhuman entities, and the cute girl/clock thetan looks for human entities. I've used high-tensile ultra-clear tape to ensure that this product is as good as it gets! And the string has a tensile strength of 20 pounds!

One of the cans is a real Campbell's name-brand can, while the other is an off-brand. I did this to create an oscillating tone between the cans that helps wake up the thetans as you hold the cans.

This is the one-of-a-kind prototype, so no warranty is included. But if you have any thetans after 90 days of use, I'll gladly give a refund provided the thetans sign a statement saying "I'm still here, jackass."

· Don't start dialing your local cable company for PPV ordering info on Lohan-Hilton: Caged Heat Extreme Fighting Championship just yet. Lindsay will most probably not end up doing any hard time for her crimes. [USA Today]
· Lohan's role opposite Shirley MacLaine in Poor Things is—surprise!—increasingly looking like it's not going to happen. [TMZ]

With a starting bid of a more than reasonable 99 cents, we'd argue that you can't afford not to make your best offer on the very sectional-seating which very possibly once propped superproducing Man of Ideas Brian Grazer as he pleaded with his artistic life partner to see the "Eminem is a natural born actor's actor!" light. However, should that auction leave you cold, there is always the current offering on Craigslist of a table featured in "THE PERSUIT OF HAPPINES WITH WILL SMITH [sic]," which figured prominently in the movie when Smith's homeless father character locked himself in an office building overnight, and, desperate to provide a meal for his young son, scraped the remains off its underside to make two chewed-gum sandwiches.

• RON HOWARD'S COUCH !!! SECTIONAL SOFA !!! [eBay]
• 54" Herman Miller Aluminum Table used 4 the Movie PERSUIT OF HAPPINESS - $550 [Craigslist]

As even the highest-altitude Tibetan monks with access to WiFi know by now, on Friday night, Britney Spears finally succumbed to the relentless voices in her head telling her, "We can't hear anything with all this hair on top of us! Get rid of it, please!" Moments later, a tidal gust of Santa Ana winds swept through the now famous salon and carried the shavings to the far corners of the globe, where entrepreneurial spirits lucky enough to be visited by one of her locks instantly took to the World Wide Webs to capitalize on their good fortune. Be warned, however, that eBay is a grifters' playground; we leave you to sort out the authentic strands from the impostors with access to a head of fried brown hair and a pair of scissors, keeping in mind J.T. Tognozzi, husband-to-the-Tarzana-hairstylist-stars, has already warned the LAT that any such offering comes from "scam artists." He claims the genuine article is in safe keeping, where they plan to "sell the shorn hair on EBay, give it to a charitable organization," or possibly donate it as the centerpiece exhibit of the Britney Spears Nervous Breakdown Museum, breaking ground in Kentwood, LA sometime in 2009.

• Britney Spears Hair [eBay]

Because we here at Defamer like nothing more than to play marketplace matchmaker to merchants of slightly used celebrity undergarments and their devotees, we'd like to now divert your attentions to eBay Lot #280076499409, consisting of two manificent examples of the satin and lace contour bra, dating to the late 20th Century and guaranteed to have been worn by Katherine Heigl during her Foxy Extraterrestrial period:

Katherine Heigl Two Bras From ROSWELL Show Worn

Description
You are getting two bras from Katherine Hegil show ROSWELL worn buy her. They are in 100% condition. The item come with a Certificate Of Autheticinty. You can ask a question if you can like to. You Thank You for looking at the auction you are great for biding on the auction.

With Heigl's star set to rise even higher with the summer release of Knocked Up, the current bid of $250 seems to us grossly underpriced. Why, the "Certificates Of Autheticinty" alone (closer view here) seem worth at least that much, and are perfectly suitable for framing and hanging on one's Tarzana talent management office, where auditioning clients can feel reassured that the underwire and demi-cup you've pulled out of your desk and asked them to slip into in order to get a "better look at what we're dealing with here" were already worn by a proven industry success story.

• Katherine Heigl Two Bras From ROSWELL Show Worn [eBay]

At least three hardcovers of "If I Did It" - in which the disgraced football legend theoretically expounds on how he would have committed the slayings of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman - were sparking bidding wars.

An attorney for the Brown family accused eBay yesterday of dragging its feet on complying with the publisher's request to have the books removed from the site. [...]

A spokesman for eBay, Hani Durzy, insisted his company was trying to accommodate publisher HarperCollins' request to remove the books from the auction block. But he said with more than 100 million items on the site at any given time, it was difficult to quickly flag them.

Admittedly, our eBay browsing skills are not nearly as sharp as they were back in the summer of 2002, when we simply had to own every available example of Welcome Back, Kotter-themed macrame art in existence, but our preliminary research would seem to suggest that no copies of the book are currently available. Gawker does provide links to some Google-cached auctions, however, where bidders seemed all too willing to part with thousands of dollars in exchange for finding out "how he did it." (Answer: Messily, with a big knife. Save your money.) We'd hate to leave your Black Friday celebrity homocidal maniac shopping needs unmet, however, so instead, we guide you to a legitimate eBay auction for the URL www.BuyIfIDidIt.com, ensuring that anyone lucky enough to get their hot little hands on the must-have beach read of the winter can quickly turn a tidy profit, free from the heavily policed halls of eBay.

• Bid frenzy on eBay for O.J.'s axed book [NY Daily News]
• www.BuyIfIDidIt.com BUY IF I DID IT .COM [eBay]

We thought a handsome companion item to our post about Alec Baldwin threatening to shit on an Arnold Schwarzenegger documentary is this photo, brought to our attention by our friends at BestWeekEver.tv, of a lovingly handcrafted Christian-Bale-on-the-crapper figurine, as precious and detailed as anything Hagen-Renaker has ever produced, and sure to only increase in value with time. The eBay craftsman selling "The Bathroom Man" is willing to hand sculpt your purchase to look like you, but why have a boring, non-celebrity such as yourself immortalized talking a miniature, poorly aimed crap (or are those cinnamon buns?) on the floor, when you can proudly display an unmasked Batman doing the same? And for those for whom the $139.99 price point is not an issue, may we suggest ordering a second sculpture, featuring the likeness of Bale's The Prestige co-star, Hugh Jackman—a handsome, bookend companion that would complete a diorama scenario of the two magician nemeses going head-to-head in a mantelshelf crap-off.

• The Bathroom man - Hand Sculpted to look like U [eBay]

For Hollywood prop collectors, fans of Mike Myers, and desperately lonely, middle-aged science fiction enthusiasts alike, we bring you this unique eBay opportunity to own a Fembot dummy, complete with original French maid's uniform and perforated breasts for your tommy-gun-rigging convenience:

The Fembot of Vanessa Kensington from the motion picture, Austin Powers 2, "The Spy Who Shagged Me". This silicon puppet weighs approximately 30lbs and is the original that was used in the movie. All silicon skin with a fiberglass plastic shell interior for the face. Face is wired with lights inside the eyes and mouth area. Works with a 9 volt battery. Punched hair. Also, there are holes where the nipples would be. This is where the special FX dept rigged gun barrels to pop out and shoot blanks. This prop does not include gun barrels or any equipment used on that effect.

While the face mask included with your purchase bears a striking resemblance to a slumbering Anna Paquin, the option is always available to have another custom made to serve individual needs. For example, by the time the Georgia Rule crew clues in to the fact that the unconscious T-Lohan 2000 sitting in hair and makeup is nothing but a silicone-and-circuit-board stand-in, its exhausted owner will have gotten several precious hours of hangover-relieving sleep.

• Austin Powers Fembot Movie Prop Dummy Original COC! [EBay via BoingBoing]

Amid all this Redstone-Cruise hullabaloo, it's almost too easy to forget the sweet, sugar-titted pleasures of the last "my, how far the world's biggest movie stars have fallen" sensation to sweep through Hollywood: Mel Gibson's Swervy Joy Ride Through Hebey-Hatesville. Well, not everyone has such a limited attention span: A savvy, web-enabled entrepreneur has managed to score an actual cocktail napkin from Moonshadows, the very Malibu bar where Gibson set the stage for his infamous arrest, and put the specimen up for sale on eBay. Yes, they were napkins exactly like this one that absorbed the sweat off every one of Gibson's libations that ill-fated night, lying just inches away from him as he draped his hairy forearms around the nearest set of giggly blondes and smiled feebly for a nearby camera. The serious collector might well be willing to entertain this flawless reproduction's But It Now price of $5,000.

• OWN A PIECE OF MEL GIBSON DUI HISTORY! [EBay]

Rejected Streisand porn titles: Anal Yentl, The Way We Whore, A Star is Porn, The Vibrator Has Two Settings, Sluts, Cock-Swallowing Anal Teens 25 Featuring Barbra Streisand.

• "Barbra Streisand" Porn Film on eBay [Fleshbot]
• "Barbra Streisand" NUDE & Risque' in 60's 8MM film [eBay]

• Alec Baldwin's 20 GB 4th Generation iPod! No reserve! [eBay via Gawker]

Andrian Adams is either selling the future, a great cocktail party story or maybe a bit of both. The London-based record producer/manager has taken to eBay to auction off his share of the Britney Spears single "Everytime." By his estimation, it is the first time someone has used the site to sell a copyright interest in a certified hit by an A-list artist. [...]

Adams opened bidding last week at about $26,000, privately hoping it would go as high as $125,000. By late Tuesday, the song—or, rather Adams' cut of it—was going for nearly $31,000. With less than 24 hours to go until the auction's scheduled Wednesday close, Adams was far shy of his dream six-figure payday.

If the trend catches on, we could be looking at a hot, all-new 'Partial Intellectual Property' section on eBay. Think about it! For the cost of a winning bid, you could be the proud owner of just-the-Bruce-Vilanch-jokes from the Oscars monologue, the Harajuku girls backup-giggling on Gwen Stefani's album, or the parts of the Good Will Hunting screenplay that Ben Affleck contributed! Both sentences!

• Bidding on Britney [E! Online]
• Britney Spears Hit Song Everytime Copyright [eBay]
• Previously: Britney Spears Bare, Sticky Foot Stamps Out Husband s Dreams [Defamer]