The assumption when any television show hit ends its run is that the stars will go on to fame and fortune and other projects. Sometimes that happens and we never hear from them again (see Friends and inexplicably Full House) but when it doesn't, they all rush back to familiar territory to jump start their careers. Here's are scale from the worst to best.

Dynasty
Final Episode: May 1989
Breakout Stars: Heather Locklear, Emma Samms (just kidding)
Reunion: Dynasty: The Reunion aired in August 1991. The came back for another go-round Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar in 2006.
Cause: There were some cliffhanger plotlines to tie up, and really, nobody was doing anything else. Also, shoulder pads were about to go out of style, so they had to do it to save on the wardrobe budget.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: So bad it's campy.

Firefly
Final Episode: August 2003
Breakout Stars: Does anyone beside us and hardcore Joss Whedon fans even remember this?
Reunion: Serenity hit movie theaters in September, 2005
Cause: To try to get someone, anyone, to finally watch this thing. It failed.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: Did it have any to start with?

Sex and the City
Final Episode: February 2004
Breakout Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, who was the biggest show when the series started. Everyone else found out there really aren't any roles for women over 30.
Reunion: Sex and the City: The Movie came out in May 2008 and broke box office records. A sequel is planned
Cause: These ladies needed a way to make some money. And, obviously, cosmo-swilling Midwestern "fashionistas" demanded it.
Held Out: 4 years.
Respectability: Shameless.

The X-Files
Final Episode: May 2002
Breakout Stars: David Duchovny, who was only a recurring character on the show's final two seasons, is doing quite well on Californication.
Reunion: X-Files: I Want to Believe, the second movie based on the show, failed at the box office in July of 2008.
Cause: We still haven't figured this one out.
Held Out: 6 years.
Respectability: Pretty lame.

Seinfeld
Final Episode: May 1998
Breakout Stars: All of them, but the biggest has been Larry David, now of Curb Your Enthusiasm who wasn't even an actor on the show. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is still holding down The Adventures of Old Christine. Jerry Seinfeld sits in his house and counts his money, only leaving occasionally to do stand-up, American Express commercials, and The Bee Movie. Jason Alexander had a few failed sitcoms and KFC commercials. Michael Richards had a racist rant that ruined his career.
Reunion: On the cover of Entertainment Weekly August 2009.
Cause: They'll all guest on Curb Your Enthusiasm this year, where a Seinfeld reunion becomes a meta plot point. For a giggle. They're all still rolling in residuals.
Held Out: 11 years.
Respectability: High.

Facts of Life
Final Episode: May 1988
Breakout Stars: Nancy McKeon was a Lifetime fixture before going to rock the tween set on the Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. George Clooney did two seasons.
Reunion: The Facts of Life Reunion aired on ABC in November 2001
Cause: Because the gays thought it would be fun and Mrs. Garrett wasn't getting any younger.
Held Out: 13 years.
Respectability: Surprising good. This also seems to be the exception that proves the rule, either that or all the girls have given up on acting careers.

Saved by the Bell
Final Episode: May 1993 (we're not counting The College Years, which ended in 1994)
Breakout Stars: Mark-Paul Gosselaar did the later seasons of NYPD Blue and is now a hit on cable's Raising the Bar. Tiffani Amber Thiessen did 90210, Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, Fastlane, and Good Morning, Miami. Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls and became a Hollywood punchline, Mario Lopez danced with stars, and Dustin Diamond released a sex tape.
Reunion: The cover of People in August 2009.
Cause: Because it was either that or Jimmy Kimmel.
Held Out:16 years.
Respectability: Amazing!

I guess People offered the gang more money than they could get out of Late Night, but the magazine reportedly does briefly mention Fallon's reunion quest while still basically pretending the entire thing was its editors' own idea. But there is hope for Jimmy Fallon: the absence of Screech in People does bode well for an actual real full-on reunion on his show. And he has Mr. Belding, too!

And I'm not exactly sure why this exists, other than because of a desire on Tiffani's part to have her own viral video like her former co-star Mark Paul Gosselaar did when he appeared on Jimmy Fallon's show in character as Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell - but I'm a sucker for any Indigo Girls joke. And despite a little too much self-congratulation masked as self-parody (Funny Or Die's bread and butter these days), this does have its funny moments. Cat videos!:

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

Bronze, silver and gold medals awarded after the jump:

On the dais accepting his bronze medal is actor Leo Fitzpatrick, best known for his work in Kids and The Wire. As our tipster Alexis said, "Leo Fitzpatrick as Michael Phelps FTW. Down to the lisp."

No stranger to death-defying feats is our silver medalist, Jackass participant Steve-O (suggested by StylusPictures). However, we think drug testing would disqualify him.

Cue up the National Anthem and follow it with Emmy fanfare, because our gold medalist is none other than Saved By The Bell alum Dustin Diamond. An unconventional choice to be sure, but at least we know he likes getting nearly naked in front of a camera (and that he's probably into water sports). Congratulations to his very own Bela Karolyi, commenter everfade!

• PREVIOUSLY: help Us Cast the Michael Phelps Story [Defamer]

However sad it is, it seems that the aforementioned influential scene of diet pills and pointless high school ambition best exhibited by Jesse's freak-out was not as fictional as our wee tween minds originally believed. According to Vulture's sources, Dustin and his ghostwriter (i.e.: mainly his ghostwriter) will reveal all kinds of details about the "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying" that went on after Mr. Belding shut down the lights each night. As insanely thrilled we are to go and purchase a retro wall SBTB wall calendar on which we shall X out each day until the book is released, there's still a tiny part of us that always hoped Zach and Kelly never actually did the deed after "Cut!" ended the day. Nor do we want to learn the inevitable truth that Slater was on steroids. Same goes for how many rails it took to keep Lisa Turtle from transferring to rival Valley High. Oh well, it can do anything more to ruin our childhood memories than The Phantom Menace did, right?

• SCREECH WRITES 'SAVED BY THE BELL' TELL-ALL [Vulture]

Danny Bonaduce, Dennis Rodman and Dustin "Screech" Diamond are heading into the ring to compete in CMT's upcoming reality series Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling.

Also on board are Todd Bridges (Diff'rent Strokes), super-heavyweight boxer ButterBean, Trishelle Cannatella (The Real World), Erin Murphy (Tabitha Stephens on Bewitched), Frank Stallone, '80s pop star Tiffany and Playboy playmate Nikki Ziering.

We're not planning to watch it anyway, but we'd just like to say: If this experiment doesn't end with a Darwinist death-match between ButterBean and the notorious amateur pugilist Diamond, then it wasn't worth doing in the first place. Place your bets now.

• CMT sets wrestling lineup [THR]

As explained in this email blast sent to Defamer HQ, the rationale for the campaign is as follows: "We've all done things that in hindsight, we should have known better about. Celebrities, more than anyone, wish they could make their bloopers and blunders disappear. Well, two high-profile names are now fessing up to their mistakes! Gary Coleman and Dustin Diamond now know better and are admitting their faux-pas to the world in online video confessionals." Um, okay? Other than the fact that this graf contains the phrase "now know better" (the new slogan for I.C.B.I.N.B), we still don't know what any of this has to do with butter-substitute. While we understood and applauded your casting of Fabio as your former pitchman (even to this day, he remains the gold standard and go-to-guy when you want to visually represent the abstract concept of escapist housewife fantasies), it's hard to think of a worse pitchman for a product that is primarily sold to weight-conscious women than a scat-obsessed misogynist. Next time, why not just hire O.J. Simpson and Scott Peterson and call it a day?

• Dustin Diamond confesses & admits that Now He Knows Better! [YouTube]

Glory-hole-inspecting sister site Fleshbot has selflessly subjected itself to the crimes against amateur celebrity pornography committed by opportunistic former Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond by reviewing Screeched, the "stolen" sex tape in which the actor supposedly lures a pair of stray bachelorette party revelers back to his motel room for an erotic adventure involving a bubble bath and the lighthearted defilement of a luck lady's upper lip with the feces of career-reviving desperation. The verdict? Unsurprisingly, the product is a letdown:

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, "Screeched" features too many shots of Diamond's face. It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo. Apparently "Bro" offers points for that sort of thing.

Based on this expert assessment (the full review is here), we recommend that our readers pass on the crushing disappointment that is Screeched, and instead populate their degrading Saved by the Bell-based sexual fantasies with any of Diamond's former Saturday morning co-stars, who undoubtedly would have been able to use their superior acting talents to properly sell a climactic Dirty Sanchez.

• DVD Review: "Screeched" [Fleshbot]

"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt appeared on Howard Stern's radio show this morning to plug Dustin Diamond's own entry into an already crowded field of celebrity sex tapes featuring furry, squeaky-voiced children's television stars. Apparently, Diamond's previous boasts to Stern about his megalithic manhood were not exaggerated:

David went on to say the tape featured two women with Dustin, who he noted had "a telephone pole" between his legs. David also said the scene ended with Dustin performing a "Dirty Sanchez" on one of his costars, although it was more the smell of the "moustache" than being able to see it that made the act so disturbing.

When Howard played tape, he commented that he couldn't believe the size of Dustin's penis in its flaccid state, while Robin referred to it as "a tree."

The movie, apparently retitled Screeched after Saved By The Smell tested poorly in the all-important "0 - 120-year-old humans with an active gag reflex" demographic, is now available for pre-order on electronic smut purveyor extraordinaire ClubRedLight.com, where a truly terrifying banner ad taunts us with a close up of Diamond's wiggling index finger moments before it embarks upon an erotic spelunking expedition. (It's a modified Sanchez, due to the relatively high difficulty level of trying to fashion convincing poo-whiskers with a telephone-pole-sized paintbrush.)

• The Rundown [HowardStern.com]
• Screeched [ClubRedLight.com]

TMZ.com has unveiled the second installment of their de facto infomercial for the Screech sex tape, complete with a new clip from the video featuring Dustin Diamond's "co-stars." Luckily, their faces are pixelated, their voices digitally altered, and are only vaguely described as "from the heart of the Midwest and in their early 20's," which should at least temporarily forestall the unprecedented shame they will experience for accepting a gig that even the most emotionally ravaged porn star would refuse for the purpose of maintaining some elemental shred of dignity. (TMZ has also helpfully included celebrity smut-puddler David Hans Schmidt's entire promotional itinerary, so you'll know where you can next catch him hawking his wares.) As an alternative to the new preview footage, we offer this clip of SNL's Weekend Update coverage of the story, which while not all that funny, at least makes us feel less complicit in assisting Diamond's attempt to ride a Dirty Sanchez back to semi-fame. Isn't even a highly theoretical sex act sacred anymore?

TMZ.com has obtained (read: been given a copy of by the celebrity porn broker who's trying to sell it, and who's interviewed alongside the clip) a preview of the Screech sex tape, featuring 42 seconds of star Dustin Diamond soaking in a bathtub and then describing one of the video's featured sex acts to the camera. (Yeah, probably the Dirty Sanchez one.) For now, we can deal with the mildly scarring sight of Screech reclining in the tub, possibly in the early stages of sexual arousal. But we know that we'll eventually be required to watch the full video when it's eventually "leaked," a psychically scarring ordeal that will almost certainly permanently replace our happy, innocent memories of the Saved by the Bell gang sharing plates of French fries at The Max with nightmarish images of an imposingly bedonged Screech sodomizing a Jessie/Lisa tag-team as a self-gratifying Zach cheers them on.

[Image: TMZ.com, with our personal touch added.]

• Screech Sex Tape Preview [TMZ.com]
• Horseman Of The Sex-Tape Apocalypse About To Deliver Screech Scat Video [Defamer]

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us. We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond. "Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it." [...]

Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, said his client has become a successful standup comic and will appear on the ABC sitcom "The Knights of Prosperity." "I haven't seen the tape," Paul told us. "I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."

The working title? Saved by the Smell. (Yes, really.) You may have been hoping for a more outrageous or clever play on the title, but evil this profound must necessarily come in a mundane package.

Of course, this whole story could be nothing more than a publicity stunt to drum up interest in Diamond's comedy career (please?), but we must prepare for the worst. It's better to be huddled in the corner of the basement, counting out a year's supply of canned goods and batteries when the Apocalypse comes, rather than to be outside mowing the lawn while passively waiting for the shower of flaming frogs to pour from the rapidly darkening heavens.

[*We refuse to even acknowledge the Tori Spelling/Violet relationship. Haven't we suffered enough this morning?]

• Porn star's name may ring a 'Bell' [Rush and Molloy]
• Previously: Screech Is Packing [Defamer]