Since late October, @avary has been tweeting regularly about prison life, referring to himself as #34 and regaling his followers with tales that will probably turn into a mindfuck prison thriller screenplay someday, because some people are so irrepressibly hip that even imprisonment for a tragic crime turns all cool and A Clockwork Orange-y in their hands.

The Los Angeles Times' Mark Milian wrote about the wayward Pulp Fiction and Beowulf scribe's stream-of-consciousness Twitter early last week.

But then: Plot twist! Milian's blog post led authorities to realize that Roger Avary wasn't in prison at all. Rather, he had somehow ended up on a work furlough program, which allowed him to hold a day job and merely bunk up at night with fellow furloughees. This is both not the hardscrabble prison life everyone thought @avary was describing, nor the prison sentence Roger Avary was supposed to be serving. So guy got nabbed and they sent him to real prison, prompting @avary to tweet:

LAT is preoccupied with how Avary ended up in furlough instead of jail, but what I want to know is, (1) Was @avary faking his prison badassery, since he was never in prison in the first place? (2) If so, was it a ploy to make us think he is irrepressibly hip and A Clockwork Orange-y? Because that would be pretty lame. (3) Alternately: Is the jailhouse equivalent of a work-study program actually as disgusting and terrifying as I always imagined real prison to be? Meaning @avary wasn't trying to deceive, it's just that we soft-bottomed media folks foolishly assumed that his scary tweets were from the belly of the beast, when in fact they represent a relatively pleasant penal existence, and when @avary gets to real prison it's going to get really crazy.

[LAT] [LAT] [LAT]

This is the happy realization today for two of Hollywood's most recently beleaguered actresses. First, TMZ reports that Heather Locklear has had her DUI case dismissed thanks to the help of mega lawyer Blair Berk, who also negotiated an 84-minute jail stay for Lindsay Lohan last year. Despite the fact that the actress was found to be under the influence of prescription drugs, the judge waved that little infraction away so that Locklear could plea no contest to reckless driving, which mandates three years of informal probation, a $700 fine, and a 12-hour drug education course. Sadly, all of Denise Richards's plotting has come to naught.

Also cleared of wrongdoing are Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky and Top Model castoff Bianca Golden, whose Caribbean family blowout left more than a few egos and vaginas bruised. Both women have had the cases against them dropped, says Us. However, Blonsky's father still faces assault charges, on account of not being famous.

• Heather Locklear Dodges DUI Bullet [TMZ]

• Hairspray Star, ANTM Contestant Cleared of Assault Charges [Us]

· Grenier, meanwhile, is reportedly displeased that she was out partying with LaBeouf at 3 a.m. Asked for a status update, Grenier was reportedly "testy...and refused to comment." [NY Daily News]
· Shia's mom Shayna LaBeouf spoke to reporters from Cedars-Sinai, where she's been with Shia since the accident. She said he's "doing fine," and was close to tears as she said "thank you, thank you," to concerned fans. [E!]
· Gold Derby blog's Tom O'Neil takes out his gilded switch and raps Shia lightly on his non-injured hand. If you expect to win Oscars, young man, we'll need to see some shaping up in the DUI truck-flipping department! [LAT]
·Transformers 2 co-star Tyrese was asked if he thought the reported month-long hiatus might affect Shia's involvement in the film, to which he responded: "A month? He won't be in the hospital for a month. He just hurt his hand. He can afford a private nurse." [MTV]

CSI star Gary Dourdan claims the drugs he was caught with earlier this week didn't belong to him.

Dourdan says he was returning from the Coachella Music Festival, where he got some people into a V.I.P. section. An after-party left him "ragged," he said, so he pulled over to sleep.

"I am blessed that the Sgt. realized that the luggage carrying whatever they found was not mine and that my tests have been coming back negative," Dourdan continued. "I've been happy to cooperate in any way to clear myself and go on with my blessed life."

Dourdan — who is not returning to CSI next season — also apologized to his fans. (He was set to present Taylor Swift with an award at Hollywood Life magazine's 10th Annual Young Hollywood Awards last week, as CSI is one of her favorite shows.)

"I am so sorry to all my fans, especially the young ones, like Taylor Swift, who I should've been supporting with my daughter instead of driving tired in the desert," he said.

"I am planning events to get the word out that you don't need a bunch of nasty chemicals to have a good time," he added. "Just good friends, family, good music and a good honest spirit full of faith."

We're just relieved that Palm Springs law enforcement was flexible enough to accept that the trunk containing an assortment of illicit party favors, dead hookers, Portishead merch, and at least one still-tripping member of Hot Chip must have been placed there by some other Coachella after-party guest, not Dourdan himself. As for young country star Taylor Swift, she has apparently taken the disappointment in stride, eagerly awaiting her Young Hollywood Awards replacement trophy after being explained by an official that the original "is currently in the evidence room at the Palm Desert Sheriff's Dept., being tested for traces of a finely pulverized powder found clinging to its base."

[Photo credit: WireImage]

• CSI Star Denies Drugs Belonged to Him [usmagazine.com]

Police are asking the district attorney to file a misdemeanor child endangerment charge against Richie Sambora, who had two children in his car when he was arrested for investigation of drunken driving last month. [...]

Calls to Sambora's publicist and the district attorney's office weren't immediately returned early Wednesday.

Regardless of how sensible your alcohol-soaked intentions to chauffeur your children to 6 a.m. soccer practice via a little-known, Hummer-assisted shortcut through a local playground, there is simply no excuse for putting your brood's lives so flagrantly at risk. Whatever the legal outcome, we truly hope this latest chapter provides the very most rock-bottom moment for the the revolving-door rehabber, and that we don't later learn that Richie himself piloted the maiden voyage of the Sambora Family Party Jetways' non-stop service to the Wynn Las Vegas's rooftop landing strip.

• Police seek child endangerment charge in Sambora case [Yahoo/AP]

Daniel Dae Kim, who stars as Jin-Soo Kwon on ABC's hit TV series "Lost," was arrested early this morning on suspicion of drunken driving.

Former cast members Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros were arrested on suspicion of drunken driving on Dec. 1, 2005 when police spotted their vehicles weaving along Pali Highway.

On Sept. 2, 2006, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje ("Mr. Eko") was arrested and accused of disobeying a police officer and driving without a license.

The charges were later dropped when Akinnuoye-Agbaje provided proof that he possessed a license. His character was killed off by a smoke monster in the first half of that season.

Of course, similar fates also befell Rodriguez and Watros, as while the Lost island may contain a great many uncertainties, the loud ticking of the DUI Death Clock is not among them. We'd caution Jin-Soo to keep one eye out for any long-overdue reappearances by rabid polar bears in the coming Season 4.

• 'Lost' actor Daniel Dae Kim accused of DUI [honoluluadvertiser.com]

"He refused to blow in the (breath test) instrument, citing American legislation," Holmlund told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "So we applied the old method — a blood test. It will take 14 days before the results are in." [...]

"There were no obvious signs, like when someone is really tipsy," he said.

Holmlund said it wasn't clear where Murray picked up the vehicle, or to whom it belonged.

"It was a golf cart. How it ended up in this predicament I don't know," he said, adding that Murray wasn't facing any theft charges.

It isn't illegal to drive a golf cart in city traffic in Sweden, but Holmlund said it is very unusual.

Even if the blood test turns up positive, the officer speculated that Murray will face fines rather than a prison term, and we're sure their investigation will also eventually turn up the identity of the vehicle's highly amused owner. But credit the legend with knowing the right way to execute a DUI incident: nothing in the police report indicated that he took any hostages, was chasing a cart containing the terrified mother of a caddy he'd just fired in anger, or that he he claimed to be wearing somebody else's golf-pants.

• Bill Murray: Drunken driving in a golf cart? [CNN.com]

On his drunk driving, he said: "It happened. Unfortunately, it happened. I'm not perfect. I'm like anyone else. Driving under the influence isn't cool. I have kids and I don't want anyone to get the wrong message about that. It's something I've resolved in my life. Things got a little bumpy and it was taken care of. And I feel great about it and feel good in my sobriety."

Morgan, who is married with three children, said he deals with his alcohol problems "one day at a time."

"I don't know about tomorrow, but I know that today I don't want a drink," he said.

A solemn Morgan fell silent for a moment, then looked up, a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and added, "I want 25 to 30 drinks!" before tumbling off his chair is convulsive laughter, catching his breath only to gloat how "I really had you going there for a second, Mrs. Reporter Lady, didn't I?" before seamlessly transitioning into deep sobs as he caught another glimpse of the fun-killing device shackled to his ankle.

• Tracy Morgan talks drinking and sobriety [CNN/AP]

• Cops: Drugs Found After Lohan Crash [AP]
• Lohan's Accident Aftermath [TMZ]

Appearing before Beverly Hills Judge Elden Fox today, Garrison pleaded guilty to one felony count of driving under the influence causing injury to multiple victims, and one misdemeanor count of furnishing alcohol to a minor. He also admitted to causing great bodily injury and death and that he was driving with a blood alcohol level of more than .15 percent.

"It is very unusual for anyone to accept responsibility these days for their conduct. And he has done it," Garrison's attorney, Harland Braun, said after the hearing. The judge set sentencing for Aug. 2.

The plea faces a maximum prison sentence of six years and eight months, a sobering reminder of the high price of succumbing to the deadly BHHS lifestyle. Garrison, meanwhile, becomes just the latest casualty of the crackdown on the illicit antics of Hollywood's club-crawling elite. Even his one fansite, Lane Garrison 101, seems to be resigned to the actor repaying his debt to society, having not even produced a CafePress.com "Free Lane" t-shirt, opting instead for an entire line selfishly bearing their own logo.

• 'Prison Break' actor pleads guilty to manslaughter [LAT]

The always fun at parties Eve was arrested for suspicion of a DUI after she crashed her gold Maserati on Hollywood Boulevard early this morning. According to the always on the scene TMZ, "she hit the center divider, totaling the front of her car." Right after the accident, cops arrived to drop handcuffs onto her wrists and hauled her off to the local clink as you can see in the video from the always-celeb-gawkin' site. The best part is when Eve was sprung early this morning she was picked up by — yup, you guessed it — another Maserati. What — did she get some sort of a "buy a Quattroporte, get a free coupe" deal? – Ray Wert

Rapper Eve Busted for DUI after Maserati Mash-Up [TMZ.com]

Related:
Vivica Fox Popped for DUI: "I Got Drunk And Drove, I Wish To God That I Hadn't, But I Did."; Al Unser Jr Charged With DUI After Las Vegas Crash [internal]

Paris Hilton was ordered Tuesday to appear in court May 4 for allegedly violating her probation in a reckless driving case by driving with a suspended driver's license. [...]

Outside court, Hilton's attorney, Howard Weitzman, was asked whether the matter was close to being resolved. "It is," he said without elaboration.

Hilton's spokesman, Elliot Mintz, has said that at the time, Hilton wasn't aware that her license had been suspended.

A May 4th appearance gives Hilton's lawyers some more precious time to strategize on how best to avoid a revocation of her probation and potential prison sentence of up to 90 days. Should they secure that legal victory, we imagine it will make for a particularly festive Cinco de Mayo celebration this year—ironic, since it was margarita indulgence that got the heiress into trouble in the first place. In the meantime, Hilton has a few weeks to arrive at the perfect outfit for her big day in court; as of her last statement on the matter, she was leaning heavily towards something austere "like a Chanel suit," but paired with a pair of python Gucci fuck-me pumps that will playfully "remind the law people that I just gotta be me!"

• Hilton ordered to attend May 4 hearing [Yahoo/AP]

A court clerk told The Journal News on Tuesday that Torn had decided on the nonjury trial, scheduled for June.

The actor was initially represented by Adam Levy of Carmel, who is running for Putnam County district attorney and is the son of television's "Judge Judy" Scheindlin. But Levy said Torn has hired a new lawyer.

Torn's refusal to cop a guilty plea in the case might stem from a similar incident from 2004, when, despite video evidence showing him slurrily mouthing off to cops, the actor was cleared of all charges. We don't know why he would now chose to drop Judge Judy Jr., who represented him in the previous case. Perhaps it was Levy who recused himself, concerned that his signature "he's the boss, applesauce!" defense might not be enough to earn another DWI acquittal.

• Actor Rip Torn to Take DWI Case to Trial [ABCNews.com/AP]

Obviously distraught after getting booted off Dancing With The Stars, Vivica A. Fox (known to many as Vernita Green) apparently got liquored up and decided to go for a drive. She was pulled over late Tuesday in LA after passing a patrol car at 80 mph and then failed a field sobriety test. A breathalyzer test revealed a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit and she was hauled off to the pokey. No word on if she screamed "You can't do this to me, i was in Soul Food" at any time during the arrest. – Matt Hardigree

Vivica A. Fox Arrested in LA [AP via Forbes]

Related:
Unicorn Was Driving, Claims Schnockered Montana Driver [Internal]

"Our office is waiting to obtain a copy of the citation," said Nick Velasquez, a spokesman for the Los Angeles city attorney's office. "Once we're able to verify that Miss Hilton was driving the vehicle, we will request that the court revoke her probation and set a probation violation hearing."

Hilton could face up to 90 days in jail if a judge finds she violated her probation, he said.

While a three-month Paris-in-lockdown stint might be exactly the kind of poetic comeuppance millions of her detractors had long fantasized about, we'd caution not to too hastily underestimate Hilton's impressive, Darwinian abilities: Not only does the genus manage to briskly adapt to new environments, it also successfully scales social strata through a combination of wily, cutthroat survival instincts, and the proffering of complimentary samples of its two signature scents, Paris Hilton and Just Me. We therefore suspect that by the fourth week of any incarceration, the fallen heiress will reign supreme over all three castes of her adopted community, with the newly fragrant Bulldykes, Ladies of Muhammed, and Aryanne Nation shiving each other regularly in the prison yard in the hopes of gaining exclusive access to the new Alpha Girl in town in the bitchin' orange hot-pants/jumpsuit number.

• Paris Hilton may have probation revoked [AP/Yahoo]

I was on the phone with my agents back and forth for about a week straight on the subject of getting off the show due to the fact that I had to be injected with steroids every two weeks so I wouldn't look like a hive infested chipmunk every morning. I'm highly allergic to cockroach resin, dust mites, and mold, three elements that are prevalent in Oahu. [...]

We get stopped driving like 15 miles an hour down a 35 to 40 mph road. I cry, this sucks ass, I get over it take pictures with some cops at precinct on their camera phone, take a breathalyzer and go home a couple of hours later. I hire some lawyer from hawaii, loose my 28 acres of land and my home in jersey paying him off, just so I can get the same treatment I would have gotten from a public defender. I realized my payday in movies was way better than T.V. at that moment....

I do my time in L.A., i get out in a couple of hours because they only have room for real criminals like killers, drug dealers, and rapists. I pay fines, do my community service, and I get a sentence to wear a bracelet for three months. The bracelet is to detect liquor content in your sweat every half hour it takes a reading using some split fuel cell type technology. I go to get this thing put on and I realize this thing is like a freaking VCR, and why do they care If I drink, what am I gonna do, drink and walk over someone, I have no license...I think that level of vigilance is great for alcoholics, druggies, and heroin attics. Yet I felt for someone like me, who loves her life too much too f*ck it up for a sip of a beverage, this level of control just isn't necessary.

In a perfect world, this life/she-vampire/armpit-loving actress would be liberated from the Patrón-sniffing shackles of her totalitarian tormentors, leaving her free to frequent whichever establishments she chooses—Teddy's, for example, where she was spotted the same day she was released from jail—while demonstrating her formidable will power by abstaining from indulging in even a single "sip of a beverage."

• New Messages from Michelle: February 16, 2007 [Michelle-Rodriguez.com via LostBlog.net]

Actor Ray Liotta was arrested Saturday night after crashing his vehicle into several parked cars. LAPD officers cuffed the actor and took him in for driving under the influence. Preliminary reports show the substance which Liotta was allegedly under was not alcohol.

According to police, Liotta was driving a Cadillac Escalade at the time and hit two parked cars — one of which was struck so hard that it ended up on the curb.

Let the blind illicit substance guessing game begin! For those following such events scrupulously for their Fantasy Celebrity DUI League, all-star Nicole Richie's combination of marijuana and Vicodin proved potent enough to send driving against the flow of traffic on the 134. Could a similarly toxic cocktail have been to blame for Liotta's smash-up derby, or was he perhaps overstimulated by some other substance that led him to the gross miscalculation that he could have squeezed into a three-foot parking space if he just parallel-parked fast enough?

• Ray Liota Busted — Goodfella Allegedly a Badfella [TMZ]

Morgan entered his plea as part of a conditional discharge deal. If he meets the requirements of the court, which include a doctor-supervised alcohol program, community service and no arrests for the next six months, the case against him will be dismissed. [...]

On his way to his (chauffeur-driven) car, Morgan told reporters how uncool his behavior was.[...]

On Dec. 2, 2005, Morgan was arrested in Hollywood on impaired driving charges after police stopped him for speeding.

Despite his lawyer's assurance that he expected the community service to include lectures to school groups about the evils of drunk driving, it's important to remember that Morgan is not an accredited substance abuse counselor; he is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education, an abiding love for all of God's creatures, and a bad habit of getting behind the wheel when he's utterly shitfaced.

• Tracy Morgan Cops to Uncool Charge [E!Online]

Authorities said they are seeking at least three charges, including gross vehicular manslaughter, driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Beverly Hills police said officers also found containers of alcohol inside Garrison's SUV.

Beverly Hills Police Chief David Snowden said Garrison had a blood-alcohol level of more than 0.15% — about double the state's legal limit of 0.08%.

Harold Braun, Garrison's lawyer and title holder of Today's Hardest Working Man in Showbusiness, had originally stated the actor had consumed a grand total of two drinks that night, a "margarita" (perhaps the kind served in a festive five-quart plastic sand pail that did Paris Hilton in, as well), and "a drink from the bottle of alcohol that he had just purchased." But while Braun had originally postulated that "someone put something in the drink," we're pretty sure he was referring to some kind of date-rape drug, and not a 1.5 liter splash of citrus-infused Grey Goose chased with a couple of fat rails.

• Beverly Hills police want felony charges for 'Prison Break' actor [LAT]

The judge placed Hilton on 36 months probation. She must pay a fine of $390 and attend an alcohol education program. She was also given the option of completing probation in 24 months if she completes 40 hours of community service.

A $390 fine will hardly register on Paris's radar: She could always pretend to run out of gas again, then hand an eager paparazzi a wad of bills, asking in her most plaintive whine, "Could you, like, bring this to the courthouse for me? Thanks sooo much, guys. I'm late for Freedom Writers at the Grove!" The mandatory, totally-not-hot alcohol education seminar and 40 hours of Beverly Hills trash collection duty, on the other hand, are likely to register their punitive sting, and we're grateful we won't be present for the inevitable tantrum that immediately follows her lawyers' delicate explanation of the infeasibility of her plan to put dutiful flack Elliot Mintz in a blonde wig and floral print mini-dress and send him in her place.

UPDATE: The LAT reports Hilton pleaded no contest to the lesser charge of alcohol-related reckless driving.

• Paris Folds in DUI Case [TMZ]