Adam Jasinski, winner of last season's Big Brother, didn't just sit on his laurels, spending the rest of his life harking back to his golden days in the sun. Realizing that one's moment doesn't last forever, he got up very quickly and went out to build the drug dealing empire he's always dreamed of.

Sadly, for every great dreamer, there's an army of people determined to stomp on their dreams and leaving nothing but broken shards on the floor. Yesterday, Jasinski was arrested and charged with attempting to sell oxycodone (aka Hillybilly Heroin) across the eastern seaboard.

<a href="">The FindLaw blog quotes a DEA special agent from the criminal complaint:

JASINSKI stated that for the past several months he had been obtaining thousands of pills of oxycodone and re-selling them to customers all along the east coast. JASINSKI was able to purchase large quantities of pills because he had received $500,000 as the grand prize winner of the CBS reality television show Big Brother Season 9.

Jasinki's day/cover job? Serving as head of The Lifestyle Publishing Group, a company he owns, which supposedly prints The Recovery Guide, a periodical on addiction and recovery issues.

Jasinki's Big Brother-learned skills of coping in a confined space may come in handy. The charges carry a penalty of up to 20 years in prison.

[via ASSME]

Us
"How I Survived Abuse."
The Mary Murphy cover story is about how she was married to this guy from 1978 to 1987 and he raped her, beat her and blamed her for having a miscarriage. Then she got into dancing and it saved her life. Next: Beyoncé called Lady Gaga and asked her if she wanted to be in a video shoot — with two hours notice— and Gaga said yes! Heidi Montag says she's gearing up for a second nose job after being elbowed in the face during a dance rehearsal. The Jackson Family is still shooting their A&E reality show — to air in December and MJ's kids will be included. Rebbie Jackson allegedly feels Michael would "spin in his grave" if he knew. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are secretly back on: A source says she just can't let go — and she's sad that her summer flings have moved on and Vince Vaughn has been on TV lately and so on. But John is so busy getting ready for a tour he can't even think about dating. Taylor Swift was seen in a "romantic embrace" with Taylor Lautner at one of her concerts. "But the Taylors' teenage hormones really took off at the after-party," the mag claims.
Grade: D- (slimy boiled okra)

OK!
"Inside Our Home."
Just so we're clear: At no point do Rob or Kristen utter the quotes on the cover like "Inside our home" or "we're already like a married couple." This is fanfic about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's "love nest" at the Vancouver Sheraton Wall Centre, where they supposedly share the entire 34th floor with adjoining 2-bedroom suites, and a third suite for guests. Rob and Kristen sleep in a king-size bed and microwave Rob's "beloved Hot Pockets" in one of three kitchens. And! "Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars, and Kristen reads aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that he gave her this year." A "friend" says when they have a day off, they sleep and cuddle all day. One time after out running the paparazzi, they got into an elevator and, as the mag puts it, "then they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind." Also, the picture of their "bedroom" in this story is directly from the hotel's website. Next: George Clooney is trying to quit boozing so he didn't invite Brad Pitt to Italy this summer — a "source" says "he didn't want to get sucked into an endless drinking session." Justin Timberlake is telling his inner circle that Jessica Biel has changed since they first met and he wants to see other women. But she refuses to let go! They're giving the romance another chance, because JT "doesn't want to go out like that" — looking like a cad. Moving on: Kourtney Kardashian is having a boy. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner — who met on the set of Valentine's Day — may be dating. They've been calling and texting "all the time." Apparently TL threatened to kick Kanye's butt and TS was touched. At the Gosselin Twins birthday party, the girls blew out candles and then told a camera crew member that their wish was for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Sniff. Rihanna is "looking more fierce than ever." The secret behind her new confidence? She's finally stopped talking to Chris Brown.
Grade: F for false story, upgraded to D for entertainment value (old pumpkin turned into jack o' lantern)

In Touch
"At War With Tom."
Apparently Katie's parents came to visit. But it wasn't just a visit — it was a "crisis talk." They're not happy with Tom pressuring Katie to have another baby when she's not ready. Despite the tension, Tom and Katie are trying to keep Suri happy. Even though the mag claims TomKat is fighting over religion, Suri's already enrolled in Catholic pre-school. So whatever. Next: Lindsay Lohan may have tried to kill herself. Her rep denies the story, but Grazia reported she'd been rushed to the hospital at 8 in the morning with deep slash wounds on her right wrist. She'd been drinking and crying for hours. She allegedly told hospital staff she'd cut herself trying to open a bottle of wine. Michael Lohan tells the mag: "Look at Michael Jackson. I'm afraid she's headed down that path." Next there's a six-page story called "Why They Can't Stop Gaining," which includes Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Jon Gosselin, Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. Also inside: Jon Gosselin sucks because he pulled one of his daughters by the ponytail and yanked one of his son's arms. Then he promised Mady a laptop and Cara an ATV. A psychologist who does not treat Jon says, "You can't put a kid on an ATV." Did you know that Jesus gets an allowance? Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover expenses. Nicole Kidman has "gone to far" with her "shockingly smooth skin." (See image 7).
Grade: D (mushy zucchini)

Life & Style
"Two More Babies On The Way!"
The Angie story is called "I WANT EVEN MORE BABIES!" She told the British magazine Stylist, "I can see further additions to the family — both adopted and our own." An insider says: "Some people get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Brad and Angie are addicted to children." The mag adds: "It's a dangerous addiction." Oh, and by the way: "Brad was smooth and youthful… before he started raising a family." (See image 8). Moving along: Kristin Davis says: "I'm 44 and I want a baby." As Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie has a warning for Katy Perry: "I don't think he's capable of monogamy. I was part of his conveyor belt of women coming through his door. If you go to one of those famous bars or clubs in London, every second girl in there knows what Russell is like in bed, from personal experience. An ex who dated Brand before Georgina says: "It wouldn't be fair for me to call him a scumbag… He's just a boy." Couple name alert: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are "Taylor Squared." Suri Cruise is "so grown up" with her lipstick, heels and Starbucks. One caption reads: "Lipstick on a 3-year-old? Suri looked like a teenager." Actually, she didn't. "America's Worst Dad" is all about Jon Gosselin. He's addicted to fame, he should grow up, and he needs to mediate with Kate, say "experts." Katherine Heigl's adopted baby Naleigh had two holes in her heart when she was born and open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old. Ben Affleck has been "chatty and flirty" with his costar Rebecca Hall on the set of his new movie The Town. And she looks just like Jennifer Garner (See image 9)! Lastly: Beyoncé and Lady Gaga will be in B's upcoming video, "Video Phone." Everything on the set was hush-hush, but this story informs us that Beyoncé wears a feathered dress, Gaga wears something wild, and the fashion is "sick and insane."
Grade: D+ (burnt squash)

Star
"Lindsay Hits Rock Bottom!"
This mag claims Lindsay Lohan collapsed on October 6 at a party thrown by Mario Testino. She fell into a "booze-filled tailspin" after learning that the Ungaro show was an "epic failure." While she was in Paris she was partying every single day and an insider says: "Lindsay is a wreck, a mess, a disaster. She's an obituary waiting to happen." (See image 10) At the party she read the Ungaro reviews and then had a meltdown. She was crying and shouting and later she passed out drunk and her friends got her out of the place. The mag says that when she drinks she "craves cocaine" immediately and "will go to any lengths to get it." Once she made a friend drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica just to get drugs and then snorted a line off the console of the car while the car was moving. A "friend" says Lindsay is taking Paxil, Xanax, Ativan, Valium and Adderall. "She'll just reach into her bag and take a handful without looking to see who they are." By the by, 15-year-old Ali Lohan partied alongside her sister in Paris. In addition, insiders say a year and a half ago, Lindsay started getting Botox on her forehead and between her eyebrows. A source says "her upper face is practically frozen. Plus she's addicted to lip fillers… I doubt she can feel her lips anymore." Someone else says: "Lindsay is afraid of being alone, so she ends up trolling restaurants in Hollywood that are open 24 hours, where lots of seedy people hang out. She ends inviting some of the lowlifes home." Her favorite pickup line is to tell guys she's not wearing any underwear. "Some of her hookups have already robbed her. She'll wake up and find stuff missing. Half the time she doesn't remember what she did. She could easily end up murdered." Also inside: Taylor Momsen's skirts get shorter and shorter. (See image 11.) As Patsy Stone once said: "One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist!" Whitney Port and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet may be switching teams? Fed up with her baby daddy's drama, she recently confided to a friend that the ladies have been looking really good lately." Jessica Simpson had to rewrite her speech for a gala to benefit Operation Smile: She froze when the teleprompter started and complained that she couldn't even pronounce half the words. Chris Brown wants to keep the orange vest from his community service — as a reminder of how awful things can get if he flips out again. Khloe and Lamar: "It's over already." They had a fight when he got back late from a game and Khloe asked for a back massage. He refused and said she should give him a massage after playing a tough game. They argued; she slept in another room that night, and the next night he went out and flirted with other girls. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are back on. Jon Gosselin wants to hook up with Kate's best friend, Jamie Cole Ayres. They've always had a secret attraction and now have been sending sexy texts! David Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko, has locked Dave out of their $5 million mansion and he's been sleeping at his apartment in Tribeca. She's not letting him see their son Harry, either. He's been sending jewelry and flowers, but it's not working. Brad and Angelina have "given up" disciplining their kids; they're not into yelling at them or something. The kids have dinner around 11pm — a "smorgasboard of snacks." There's no set bedtime of when to sleep or where to lay their heads. The kids sleep in Brad and Angie's bed and wear whatever they want. "Sometimes Zahara falls asleep in her Sleeping Beauty dress, which has permanent chocolate milk stains on it." Pax and Maddox are raising a child army: They shoot paint guns in the house, fire plastic arrows at the nanny, and have enlisted Shiloh and Zahara to join their ranks. Oh, and Maddox wanted to pierce Vivienne's ears himself, with a pin, but Angie decided to have it done professionally.
Grade: B+ (sauteed spinach)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

Q: How bad did it get with the drugs?
A: "We were payin' money."


Q: When did the drugs start?
A: Time is categorized as either "Before The Bodyguard" or "After The Bodyguard."


Q: What did she do when she was high?
A: Read the bible.


Q: What did Bobby Brown do when he was high?
A: Arts and crafts.


Q: How frequently did she do drugs while filming The Preacher's Wife?
A: Every day.


Q: Was Bobby Brown jealous of her?
A: Hell to the yes.


Q: Does Whitney still worry about pleasing Bobby?
A: Hell to the no.
Q: Was Bobby Brown Abusive?
A: Emotionally, yes.


Q: Did Whitney realize what she was getting herself into when she signed up for Being Bobby Brown?
A: Hell to the no.


Q: What was Whitney's drug of choice?
A: Bobby.

Shit, man: this girl's spouting absolute nonsense. Even her companion's stupefied.

As for her criminal record, the site Martini and Scotch — ha! — gives the shocking rundown:

In April 2001 she was charged for driving without a license and damaging property.
In August 2001 she was charged for driving with a suspended license and reckless driving.
In December 2004 she was charged AGAIN for driving with a suspended license and marijuana was found in the vehicle.
In August 2006 she was charged for driving without the vehicle owners consent and driving with suspended license.
In December 2008 she was charged for burglary; purchasing known stole property.
In April 2009 she was charge for petty theft.
In August 2009 she was charged with Prositution [sic].

Meanwhile, earlier this year some fans saw her sleeping on a beach and smoking meth. They say she smelled like a bum. We would laugh and point fingers, but, c'mon, this is just sad.

Halem, who looks like your average middle class white dude (see pic) is adamantly "not bitter" that he can't survive solely as a journalist, states, "If I wanted to destroy my life, I wanted it to be for something I knew I could sell." Yo society, there's something not quite right when, after an education of $100K-plus, one of the few available job opportunities for an aspiring writer (and maybe even for Twitter itself) is selling something called "Blackberry Kush."

The @artistscollctve Twitter account went up last week and, in the vein of a more #420 friendly Kogi BBQ, the medical marijuana delivery service also boasts "On-Time GPS" and the availability of "green crack." Artists for Access is a "creative non-profit" operating under something called a 501 3c non-profit license, "as far as the law is concerned, we're good."

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Technically legal in California, Halem's dicey business model is legit from a state standpoint, but not federally. You can't just call up an get a bag, but knowing the multitudes of dodgy loopholes that exist in the CA medical marijuana policy (i.e. insomnia counts) it's probably not that hard to score a prescription. Line up your doctor's notes ASAP! Because this opportunity may not (probably won't) last.

Jesse James Hollywood—a criminal with a name that will get him everywhere—said on the witness stand yesterday that he did not order the murder of a 15 year-old kid in revenge for the kid's half-brother owing James a $1,200 drug debt. Let's hope not!

James admits snatching the kid, Nicholas Markowitz, off the street and putting him in his van and driving him to Santa Barbara. Markowitz was later found "shot nine times and buried in the Santa Barbara foothills." His older brother Ben "was described by prosecutors as a white supremacist who wore swastika tattoos, despite his Jewish background."

Hollywood spent several years on the run as a fugitive in Brazil, and eventually came back to the US after being featured (multiple times) on America's Most Wanted. He says his friends killed Markowitz without his knowledge, and that he was shocked to hear it had happened.

All we know for sure is that if his name was "Elbert Dean Merriweather," Justin Timberlake never would have gotten involved.
[LAT]

The rough outlines of the case are known: Staub's drug-dealer boyfriend kidnapped a client, and Staub ratted him out, cutting a deal with federal prosecutors. That deal was brokered by her boyfriend, professional informant Kevin Maher, who knew the U.S. Attorney in Miami. But the details in the documents are spectacular.

In 1986, Staub went by the name Beverly Merrill, but her working name as a high-end prostitute was "Angela Minelli." She was living in Miami, and one of her clients was Daniel Claudio Aguilar, a cocaine dealer for the Medellín cartel. According to a federal indictment, Aguilar was selling two kilos of cocaine to a group of men for $48,000 in June of 1986. The deal was being "brokered" by Staub's neighbor, Carmen Centolella. Before it was consummated, Staub accompanied Centolella to his apartment down the hall from hers with one kilo to "test" it. When they got there, four men jumped Staub and ran off with the cocaine.

Aguilar blamed Centolella for the robbery, beat him, kidnapped him, and repeatedly called his father demanding $25,000 and threatening Centolella's life. Interestingly, one of those threatening phone calls was made by Staub—we mean "Angela"—herself.

Centolella's father called the FBI, who arrested Aguilar and another man with a 9 mm pistol in their car. They picked up Staub at Aguilar's house with six kilos of cocaine and $16,000 in cash.

After talking to Maher, Staub turned on Aguilar. She pleaded guilty to one extortion charge and cooperated with prosecutors.

This made Aguilar mad! Maher told us a couple weeks ago that Staub was crazy to appear on a reality TV show, because the guy she put away might want to know where to find her: "The guy she locked up was a high-level drug dealer from Medellín," Maher said. "Now he's out. What do you think he's gonna do when he sees her face on TV and knows exactly where she lives? She's got to be out of her fucking mind." That makes even more sense now, because according to court documents, Aguilar orchestrated threats against Staub back then: After she started cooperating with the government; Aguilar's mother called Staub to yell at her, another woman called to say "Your life is at an end, honey,"; her apartment was broken into; and a male called her to say he'd seen her walking her dog and that she shouldn't take "risks" like that. Aguilar was released from prison in 1994.

During and before the trial, Aguilar's attorneys tried to attack Staub's credibility by pointing out repeatedly that she was a prostitute.

And two years after the trial, while Staub was out on probation, a doctor wrote the court to advise that, given her "drug history and her former drug lifestyle," she should remain in a court-mandated rehab program.

And that's the story of how New Jersey's sweetheart used to be an extorting coke whore. Read the whole thing here. Really.

Maher, whose career as a paid informant for DEA, FBI, and NYPD was memorialized in Charles Kipps' Cop Without a Badge, sold the torrid, seedy, and exclamation-pointed story of his marriage to Staub to the tabloid weekly. Here's the good stuff:

Maher met Staub in Miami in 1986. "[She] was a paid escort with a local service, says Kevin, and claimed that she had been with numerous celebrities. She was also a 'raging nymphomaniac.'"

They met cute a party that sounds exactly like you'd imagine a party in Miami in 1986 would be: "Everyone was having sex out in the open in the suite. Beverly was on top of a guy on the couch, but she was looking at me. Afterward, when she went into the bathroom to shower, I followed her in—we had sex on the floor!"

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Unsurprisingly, Maher says they "were both messed up because of all the cocaine we were doing," which naturally led to marital discord. "We'd have big arguments, she'd kick and punch and the cops would come," he told Star. "They arrested me four or five times. Once, they arrested both of us after she slashed my arm with a knife."

As a stripper, Staub did some pretty neat tricks: "She was like a gymnast! She could do anything! One time, on her birthday, she came home with $6,000—and I was sure there were some sexual favors involved."

Sorry, Kevin, we don't believe this one: "Having sex six times a day wouldn't even satisfy her!"

The couple married in 1988, while Maher was still married to another woman. They split the next year. Maher also told Star that Staub was dating a high-level Colombian cocaine dealer and out on $10,000 bail related to an extortion charge when they met. Her boyfriend had held one of his clients hostage for nonpayment, and she was got caught up in the arrest. She pleaded guilty and did five years' probation.

On last night's show, Staub vaguely denied the charges laid out in "the book," saying she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time when her boyfriend was arrested and refusing to answer anything else. "Even if I was that person, that monster they portrayed me to be, wouldn't they have picked up on that?" We guess, maybe, sure!

"This book has come to haunt me," she said, "and I have to do a lot of damage control about things that I lived in my life and things that have happened. [But] there's dialogue and dialect written everywhere about everyone."

We were curious so we called Maher and got some more information. He told us that Staub actually put her boyfriend and an accomplice away, and that he's worried they might come looking for her. "She locked up two people," he said. "That was part of the deal." When Maher found out Staub was out on bail, he used his law enforcement connections to cut her a deal.

"You give this guy and another guy," he says he told her, "and I'll go to the U.S. Attorney and get you a supervised release." Staub cooperated, and her boyfriend was sentenced to 15 years.

"The guy she locked up was a high-level drug dealer from Medellín," Maher said. "Now he's out. What do you think he's gonna do when he sees her face on TV and knows exactly where she lives? She's got to be out of her fucking mind." She probably is. But Bravo is not, and Maher says the network should have known that, given Staub's past, letting her pursue her own aggrandizement on their air might have consequences: "How culpable is Bravo going to be when this woman gets killed?" It's a strange argument coming from an informant who put plenty of people in jail and went on to participate in a book about his exploits, but he would know.

Maher also said that Staub is a bisexual, which we guess makes sense in a porny kind of way. "Let's talk about her bisexuality," he said. "She liked strip clubs for two reasons: The fast money, and the availability of beautiful young women around her."

And Maher told us the names of those "celebrities" Staub claimed to have slept with. We'll let you know who they are soon as we give them a chance to respond.

"I've decided to give an exclusive to Star," Maher said when we called him. "That comes out Tuesday, so I can't talk until then. But yes, I was married to her. She did a lot of things that I think will put her life in danger. She was involved with the drug cartels in Cali and Medellín." That much is already clear from the promos Bravo has been running for Tuesday night's episode and Cop Without a Badge, the 1995 book about Maher's life as an informant.

Speaking of which, copies of the out-of-print title are currently going for upwards of $100 on Ebay, and Maher says negotiations are underway for a new paperback edition. And Maher's exclusive interview with Star comes out on Tuesday, the day of the next episode of Housewives. Everybody wins!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.A representative for Bravo did not immediately return phone calls and e-mails asking for a comment as to why a television network would gleefully (and profitably!) air details of the woman's life under the pretense of a "reality" show when those details may piss off some of the violent people Staub used to run with. On the other hand, it's likely that all those details have already been aired, by Maher himself, in Cop Without a Badge (we haven't seen a full copy yet).

Bravo's bio on Staub says "she prides herself on being one of the first women in New Jersey (and 14th person in the country) to have a Black American Express Card and her history of celebrity hook-ups is one for the record books." She was also the millionth woman in New Jersey to be a stripper and get involved in the cocaine business. Other details of Staub's past are set to be revealed on the show next week.

UPDATE: A Bravo rep got back to us with their stock response to the Staub controversy, the most delightfully absurd work of flack lunacy we've encountered in a long, long time: "Bravo does not comment on the personal lives of our talent." Eleven words, three lies: Guess what they are!

Josh Hartnett, Eva Mendes, and Ben Kingsley had been attached to the project. Writer-director Jonathan Jakubowicz told Variety:

We wanted to shoot in the city of Culiacan in Sinaloa, northern Mexico, the epicenter of the drug wars, but it just wasn't possible. The world should pray for peace in Mexico.

Ah yes, prayer, that familiar habit of Hollywood. Here's another idea: Why doesn't Tinseltown try moderating its habit of snorting the entirety of Peru up its nose? Mexican gangsters would have no business smuggling drugs across the border if the demand weren't there. Mendes did a stint in rehab last year, which we claimed was research for her role as a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. Now that the movie's cancelled, what's her excuse?

1) "WHICH high-powered fashion editor has been given the nickname 'Hamster'? Seems the fat she had pumped into her lips made her resemble the toothy rodent." [P6]

2) "WHICH former tabloid editor asked his reporters to hunt down celeb coke dealers so that 'he could say he does the same blow that the celebs do?'" [P6]

3) "WHICH TV star's fight with her man started because of his wandering eye? Seems she didn't pay enough attention to him, so he found someone else who did." [P6]

4) "Which closeted TV icon enjoys 'watersports' in his bedroom? His steady stream of gentleman callers are a little grossed out by it." [Gatecrasher]

5) "Which OCD celeb is so scared of germs that she insists on having her toilet replaced in every hotel she stays in?" [Mirror]

TMZ and our sister from another, Quaadlude-riddled mother Defamer are heavy on the hoax beat. 'Cause, you know, Casey Affleck is filming a documentary of Phoenix's transition from good if not very well liked actor to his new rapper persona: Old Sergeant MacGruffin', a Civil War soldier who got lost in the Great Smoky Mountains for 140 years. So it must be some sort of mockumentary thing and there will be a big "ha ha" and then Phoenix will go back to being an actor, still as good, probably, and definitely still not very well liked. And I believe that!

But I also believe that there's a current of sincerity in the whole debacle, not really born out of an actual desire to become a rapper, but stemming from a great desire for more and more precious drugs. Phoenix's cataclysm on Letterman last night came freighted with the usual "nervous tics" of people currently on or desperately awaiting their next dance with heroin. And like the junkies on The Wire were always cooking up harebrained schemes to go rob junkyards or drug stashes, a rich smackhead with a lot of time on his hands might decide that it makes complete sense to make some gonzo comedy/art project about being a rapper. And then maybe said golden triangulist might start to buy into the whole act a bit too much, because they're crazy and on drugs all the time. That would explain his highly-focused commitment to the act, even while he's being eviscerated by David Letterman. (Or maybe Letterman was in on it!)

The only thing tough to reconcile is Casey Affleck's involvement. If Phoenix really is on drugs, Affleck is kind of a shitty friend for indulging the whole Rip van Tinkle experience. Hopefully, in defense of a world I like to imagine where Casey Affleck is still a nice boy from Cambridge, Phoenix really is a nut, but sober as can be, who is just now finally showing the effects of growing up in the supremely bizarre way that he did. If that's the case, then godspeed. Just don't do anymore national television. It makes me uncomfortable.

This is just one element of the absolutely insane story Baldwin tells actor Christopher Kennedy Lawford for Moments of Clarity, Lawford's new book about addiction. Back when Baldwin was the trim, hirsute nighttime soap star you see pictured, he often found himself in druggy, boozy parties late at night, and why not? Naturally, he would cope with his inebriation by driving to an arcade warehouse at sunup to play Galaga. As you do.

"I would play video games from, like, 9 a.m. to 11 a.m., and I would wind down. Then I'd go home and go to bed," Baldwin writes.

"This was the only way I could go 'beta' and go into that state I needed to be, where I could calm down and take my mind off everything. I didn't want to see anybody, talk to anybody, deal with anybody."

A "moment of clarity" came when he saw pity in the face of Julian, the person who ran the parlor.

"I was doing a show then [Knots Landing], making tens of thousands of dollars a week, which was part of the problem," he writes.

"Julian would put the key in the lock and open the door, and he would just kind of look at me like, 'Wow, I'm glad I'm not you.' "

Baldwin agreed. "You got no idea, Julian. Julian, I need you. I need you to get that key and open the f- - -ing door and let me in. I got to play 'Galaga.' "

Lost in the videogame's tractor beam, Baldwin found an addiction that could replace any cheap thrill produced by alcohol or drugs. Who needs chemical highs when you have the high scores of the sequel to Galaxian? Donkey Kong, the Burgertime chef, that cheap floozy Ms. Pac-Man...they don't judge, or ask why your lapel smells like Wild Turkey and hashish. They just beep and bop and beep and bop, providing a support group as pixellated as a drugged actor's eyes.

• BALDWIN: I WAS AN ALEC-OHOLIC [NY Post]

"Around 4:30 p.m., a female witness saw Heather Locklear driving erratically while leaving a parking lot in Montecito," California Highway Patrol spokesman Tom Marshall tells PEOPLE. "The witness said Locklear was revving her engine loudly, and backed over a pair of sunglasses several times."

Soon after, the witness – who apparently didn't recognize the actress – spotted Locklear, 47, stopped on a nearby highway, exiting her vehicle.

"The witness called 911 because she was concerned for Locklear's safety," Marshall said. "When a CHP officer arrived, Locklear was found seated inside her vehicle, which was partially blocking the roadway."

Because Locklear appeared "disoriented and impaired," she was taken to a local CHP station and drug and alcohol tests were administered, Marshall said. The actress was cooperative.

"Alcohol was ruled out as a factor, but based on the officer's observations, we believe Locklear was under the influence of prescription medication," Marshall added.

Had Locklear stumbled upon a pair of Ray-Bans worn by her rival Denise Richards, or was she repeatedly crushing Spade's sunglasses in a female empowerment ritual worthy of Waiting to Exhale? Whatever the case, Locklear's had a difficult year, with imaginary 911 calls and a trip to rehab already under her belt. Take all the time you need to get well, Heather — your job as president of D&D will still be secure when you get back.

• Heather Locklear Arrested on DUI Charge [People]

"My Girlfriend Got Fat And I Find Her Less Attractive Now." from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

Though she’s only been out of rehab for a year, insiders are claiming that “Lindsay's been drinking, doing cocaine and causing all-around mayhem for the past few months…. She quit going to Alcoholics Anonymous and has absolutely never taken recovery seriously. She's gotten progressively worse, and everyone in her life is really scared." Even worse, she showed up at the VMA’s with red scratches all over her arm, leading people to fear she’s started cutting herself again. If you’ll recall, the last time she did that was back in 2006 when she claimed she’d hit “rock bottom.”

Of course, Lindsay’s MySpace blog tells a different story. In an entry dated September 19th, the starlet writes (without using capital letters, just like e.e. cummings):

“my publicist emailed me today saying that star magazine is going to publish another ridiculous story about me- then again it’s not like their track record is up there with the new york times. if anything they printed was true, i’d be married, pregnant with mark ronson’s child and hanging with my sister and her ‘fake’ boobs all this while being dead due to an overdose… wow! according to them i am one busy girl, even more so i am one busy dead girl!!!!"

Hmm. So who are we to believe here, Lindsay herself or a tabloid magazine? At this point, it’s hard to say. Whatever the case, I’m just glad Lindsay has such a supportive family environment to fall back on in times of trouble. Oh wait…

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Lindsay Lohan Relapse:Booze, Coke & Cutting [Star Magazine]
• have a good weekend!!! [MySpace]

George Michael was arrested in London Friday after being discovered with what police term say were Class A and a Class C drugs, according to reports Sunday.

The singer, 45, was cautioned and has not been charged.

A Scotland Yard press spokesman says, "A 45-year-old man male was arrested on Sept. 19 in the Hampstead Heath area on suspicion of the possession of drugs."

...While the spokesman also would not identify the type of drugs, reports have said that they included crack cocaine, which is termed a Class A drug in the U.K.

The reports say that Michael, who lives nearby with his long-term partner Kenny Goss, was arrested at an underground public men's room.

This is not the singer's first Hampstead Heath embarassment — in 2006, he was caught cruising the park for an after-hours father figure. Perhaps Michael could benefit from adding a new location to his bag of tricks? (No, not that kind of "tricks.") We hear David Duchovny has a great Arizona vacation home...

[Photo Credit: AP]

• George Michael Arrested in London [People]

While Mirren defended a woman's right to say "no" at any point, she's not always in favor of reporting such attacks.

"I don't think [a woman] can have that man into court under those circumstances," she continued, "It's such a tricky area, isn't it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don't think he was a rapist."

Mirren, 63, also admits she took illegal drugs – including marijuana and LSD – as a teen. "I loved coke," she continues. "I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties." (She also says she hasn't touched the drug in more than 20 years.)

"Dope always made me feel miserable and paranoid and unhappy," she adds. "And I woke up one day and thought, 'No more of that, thank you.' "

Now that Mirren's shocking tales have made Caligula look like a fun, G-rated romp, our long-standing Defamer crush on the actress has become as confused as the plot of Teaching Mrs. Tingle. In no way do we endorse date rapes or Mike Tyson, so perhaps you'll excuse us if we take some time out to re-assess our feelings for the erstwhile Queen Elizabeth. Sure, she can fill out a cherry-red bikini like no other 63-year-old, but for now, we're going to put away our heavily-scratched DVD of Calendar Girls and reflect on a happy time when our Hollywood summer didn't seem quite so rapey.

[Photo credits: Brenna/Jason Fraser via Daily Mail]

• Helen Mirren Shocker: I 'Loved Coke' & Was Date Raped [People]

Sources connected with the Heath Ledger investigation say the Drug Enforcement Administration set a new low for starf**king.

People who have talked to TMZ off the record are now willing to go on record — still anonymously — about one of the most bizarre DEA power grabs ever.

How's this for starters ... no one we've spoken with connected with the case can point to a single DEA case where a massive investigation was launched over an accidental death in which no criminality was even hinted at.

We know the DEA went all over the country, in one case tracking down a guy in California who smoked a joint with Ledger in the '90s, telling him he had to testify in a Grand Jury probe. And how's this for chutzpah ... the DEA told the guy he would have to pay his own way to NYC to testify before the Grand Jury!

Still, that errant joint smoker was hardly the most obscure witness tagged by the DEA; agents interviewed not just high-profile targets like Michelle Williams and Helena Christiansen but also the shirt from Brokeback Mountain, a guy who bought a ticket to The Four Feathers, and Julia Stiles. Finding nothing of value, the agents hung out long enough to see The Dark Knight in IMAX at The Bridge, eventually concluding their investigation when the pimply sixteen-year-old at concessions was unable to determine where exactly the Joker got those wonderful toys.

• DEA — What Were THEY Smoking?! [TMZ]