The full cast of the show was announced today on Good Morning America (no LaToya, boo) and ABC has cast it similar to past years with some singers, athletes, actors, an Osmond, and a random politician. Well, since they stuck by their formula, we're going to use our own formula to handicap the odds of who is going to win your mother's favorite show. Just don't take her for all she's worth. Save that for those greedy bitches in the office pool.

Mya
You Know Her From: Her debut album.
Chances: She was known more as a singer than a dancer, but she's young and hip and has an album to promote.
Compare Her To: Toni Braxton
Odds: 20-1

Macy Gray
You Know Her From: Trying to say goodbye and choking, trying to walk away and stumbling.
Chances: Macy has always been a bit of a loon. We have a feeling that she's not going to be able to tell the difference between a foxtrot and Foxy Brown.
Compare Her To: Scary Spice
Odds: 100-1

Chuck Liddell
You Know Him From: Beating the shit out of people.
Chances: We think the Paso Doble needs a little more finess than an elbow drop, but if he's quick on his feet, he might be able to pull it off.
Compare Him To: Floyd Mayweather
Odds: 30-1

Melissa Joan Hart
You Know Her From: Explaining it all.
Chances: She has fought to stay relevant all these years, so this lady knows how to work hard. She's going to give it her all. Let's just hope her pesky brother Ferguson doesn't ruin it!
Compare Her To: Jenny Garth
Odds: 15-1

Kathy Ireland
You Know Her From: Beating off to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in the '80s.
Chances: She is making so much money from hocking her shit at KMart that she doesn't need a career boost. But, she looks damn good for 46, so she may just get her cha-cha on.
Compare Her To: Paulina Porizkova
Odds: 30-1

Mark Dacascos
You Know Him From: Do we?
Chances: This former Iron Chef fixture is a nobody, and not even a hot nobody like Gilles Marini. We refuse to acknowledge that he is on the show.
Compare Him To: Helio Castroneves
Odds: N/A

Ashley Hamilton
You Know Him From: Boinking Shannen Doherty.
Chances: Um, if you can survive living with her and coming out alive, then you can kick ass doing a few twirls around the dancefloor. Also, his father George didn't do badly on the show.
Compare Him To:
Odds: 10-1

Michael Irvin
You Know Him From: ESPN, the Cowboys
Chances: The "old athlete" has proven to be a contender in past years. Also, if he doesn't want to be teased by his football chums for years, he better do well.
Compare Him To: Warren Sapp
Odds: 5-1

Donny Osmond
You Know Him From: Conquering all media with Mormon mind tricks.
Chances: They're good. Fuck.
Compare Him To: Marie Osmond
Odds: 3-2

Tom DeLay
You Know Him From: The U.S. House of Representatives
Chances: Oh please. The "old guy" never makes it that far.
Compare Him To: Tucker Carlson
Odds: 100-1

Natalie Coughlin
You Know Her From: Watching her in between Michael Phelps video montages during the summer Olympics.
Chances: Swimming requires microscopic attention to detail just like ballroom does, and she's used to working in ludicrous outfits. Keep your eye on her.
Compare Her To: Shawn Johnson
Odds: 4-1

Joanna Krupa
You Know Her From: Runways, your dreams.
Chances: You know how pretty girls are lousy in bed because they don't have to do much work. Well, the same applies to dancing.
Compare Her To: Josie Maran
Odds: 60-1

Debi Mazar
You Know Her From: Entourage before it sucked.
Chances: She is the only one on the cast who was in a Madonna video. She didn't dance, but still. But she never really took her career that far, so does she have the motivation?
Compare Her To: Vivika A. Fox
Odds: 25-1

Kelly Osbourne
You Know Her From: The first circle of reality television hell.
Chances: The chubby teen girl slot isn't the worst one to fill. Also, Sharon will be there cheering her on, so let's hope she stays around, if only for her family in the audience.
Compare Her To: Marisa Jaret Winokour
Odds: 15-1

Aaron Carter
You Know Him From: Boy bands, rocking the House of Carters
Chances: If he can behave himself long enough and get his act together, the former boy banders usually can follow choreography and win the audience's hearts.
Compare Him To: Drew Lachey
Odds: 5-1

Louie Vito
You Know Him From: Snowboarding, if you know him at all.
Chances: He's young, athletic, and cute. That should bode well in his dancing abilities and the number of votes he'll get from the audience. However, we're still not sure who he is.
Compare Him To: Apolo Anton Ohno
Odds: 5-1

Osmond's legally unbinding announcement gives us hope that a DwtS season robbed of Cloris Leachman could well be something worth watching—especially if he outdoes his sister's fainting spells and baby doll dances of despair with a fibula-splintering compound fracture during a particularly unhinged tin soldier routine set to his own, late-'80s hit, "Soldier of Love." [Reality Blurred]

Within three to five years, Miley will have to face adulthood. Fans grow up, and their youthful interests quickly dissolve. Her challenge will be overcoming the Hannah Montana stereotype. Miley's fans are not thinking about the fact that she will grow up too. As she does, she'll want to change her image, and that change will be met with adversity. It's next to impossible to fight, embrace, use or love your image. Trust me. I've seen this all play out before; it's the same ball game, just different players in a different time.

But Miley has an amazing support team. She seems to have good Christian values, with parents (including dad Billy Ray) teaching her important life lessons. She has management that has seen this phenomenon through before—Jim Morey's company—Jim managed me during my Puppy Love days. I hope Miley enjoys every minute of this brief experience before her inevitable reinvention takes place. It's going to make a fascinating book someday. I'll read it.

You see? "Puppy Love" is the obvious Osmond analogue to "Teenagers fuck," as we declaimed yesterday in waving off the Miley controversy, and Nostradonny's glimpse into his crystal ball saw this reality coming a mile away. Disingenuous apologies aside, Jim Morey's careful management of Cyrus's "inevitable reinvention" is off to a dynamite start, and we, too, look forward to reading her ghostwritten memoir sooner than later — particularly Chapter Eight, simply titled "Annie" and already promised as an excerpt to Vanity Fair in 2010.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Time 100: Miley Cyrus [Time]