• Will Wisteria Lane never know peace? ABC has signed a new deal with Desperate Housewives creator Mark Cherry that could keep the show on the air until 2013. [Variety]

• Hollywood has a new profitability King! The Wrap calculates that Paranormal Activity made for under $15,000 and so far grossing $65.1 million has now seen a 433,900 percent return on its budget, which soars past Blair Witch's 414,233 percent return on its $60,000 production. [The Wrap]

• After its first full day of theatrical release, the Michael Jackson documentary This Is It has earned a very nice but not world-destroying This Is It $6.6 million. [Variety]

• Meanwhile at NBC, one shall live while another shall die. The Peacock ordered six more episodes of Chuck, while the dream ended for Trauma as the network announced it would not order more episodes beyond the show's initial 13 episodes run. [Hollywood Reporter]

• While dozens of productions have signed on to keep shooting in California as a result of the state's new tax incentive program, the money set aside for the tax break's first year has run out and production continues to flee its home state, citing bigger tax breaks available elsewhere. [The Wrap]

• Risking stepping into serious bummer territory Vh1 will run a new reality/book camp show, aimed teaching a group of men how to be good fathers. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Tony Scott has singed on to direct the story he was born to tell; a biopic based on the life of Steve Banerjee, the creator of Chippendales male revues. [Variety]

In a word: no. When Updike wrote the book, he wanted to break free of his generally misogynistic mold and created women who weren't whorish, stupid or baby killers.

Some argue, yes, that the portrayal of women as witches only reinforces negative stereotypes, but Updike disagreed. "Let us respectfully construe the word 'witch' as 'free woman," he explained, while also assuring critics that the book was "one attempt to make things right with my, what shall we call them, feminist detractors." Political or no, the book was pure Updike: a dirty, satirical examination of American ways.

While most of the original's sumptuous descriptions couldn't be directly translated to film, at least the 1987 adaptation provided an excuse to bring three lovely actresses — Cher, Michelle Pfeifer and Susan Sarandon — onto one screen. Plus, it's pretty damn good and was wildly popular, which explains why Hollywood types continue to salivate over the story of three magical women and the man they love, Darryl von Horne. Separate pilots were shot in 1992 and 2002. Neither made the cut, obviously. So why would ABC have a go?

It's unlikely they wantto make a feminist statement, nor do the show's previews have much hint of satire — or even brains. And certainly a network show can't be as sexy as the book or the movie, although the writers will definitely try.

No, the network appears to be trying to capitalize on pop culture's supernatural obsession while also attempting a revival of its Desperate Housewives brand of quirky soap. None of that should be surprising considering the remake mania that has swept the nation as of late, not to mention the recent spate of spooky soaps.

But will viewers buy it? Who knows. The reviews haven't been great. Washington Post critic Tom Shales already says he wants it to "disappear," while the Boston Herald says the show has "all the markings of being an early casualty of the season." That's not very promising. This writer loves the show's more recognizable stars, Lindsay Price and Rebecca Romijn, and I hope it doesn't get axed right away, but even on paper this sounds like an unnecessary, doomed mission, so I'm not holding my breath.

It's hard to know what Updike would say about this whole mess, because he's dead, although this quote may provide a hint: "Americans have been conditioned to respect newness, whatever it costs them." That's obviously no longer true.

While some shows, like Heroes, have tried to merge product placement and plot on the web, Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry and his crew are now bringing the trend into primetime.

The writer and others on ABC's payroll will help produce eight commercials for Sprint in which "Housewives" characters grapple with mystery, murder and general soap opera drama. Of course, none of the mainstay Housewives will appear in the commodity-driven mini-series. Rather, the actors in the commercials will appear as "background extras" on the actual show, which could be an ultimately embarrassing move for everyone involved.

NBC and Jay Leno, whose new show premieres tonight, are taking a slightly dated approach:

And an easy way to plug an advertiser in an era when TV commercials are at the mercy of the DVR. Leno describes himself as "advertiser friendly," and NBC has already struck a deal with McDonald's, whose Monopoly-based promotion will find Leno announcing the chain's ad featuring NBC stars. Visitors to McDonald's will be steered by placards to Leno's program.
...
Today's challenging economy could well rewrite the old ad playbook, says Brian Steinberg, TV editor at Advertising Age magazine. "We'll see how much he can weave into his show. Because when the ads are part of the program, you're less likely to hit the fast-forward button," he says.

Could this be the wave of television's future? Ads are the program and the programs are the ad? Even if it works, it seems to us viewers have grown up a bit — just a bit — since television's early years and will be turned off by such obvious attempts to buy their business. Or that's our hope, at least, for the increasingly blurry lines between advertising and entertainment must be preserved at all costs.

Bad mothers are like unhappy families, no two are alike, but they are all a whole lot of fun to watch. Not only do they propel several televisions shows, but they will create fucked up kids, and without fucked up kids, where are we going to get our artists, serial killers, fameballs, and future Rock of Love cast members? Here's to the women who are more about lies, drugs, and promiscuity rather than homework, bed times, and grounding.

Nancy Botwin
Why She's Bad: She's an unstable drug dealer who is more concerned with keeping herself alive and getting laid than her children's well being.
Worst Parenting Moment: Younger son Shane gets shot when a Mexican drug cartel tries to execute Nancy.
Reasons to Love Her: She knows how to keep things interesting, and she's populated her children's lives with a cast of memorable characters. And she lets her kids drink, do drugs, and have sex while inappropriately young. She's going to be a great subject for Silas' memoir.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Shane, an alcoholic, masochistic teenage killer.
Fun Scale: 9
Mother's Day Present: Starbuck's gift certificate.

Susan Meyer
Why She's Bad: This desperate housewife pays more attention to her love life than her kids. Older daughter Julie was more the voice of wisdom than Susan ever was, or will be.
Worst Parenting Moment: Her young son MJ almost getting killed by a mad man.
Reasons to Love Her: Susan is the mom-as-friend that you always wanted. She would fret and frown and put her foot down, but she'll always let you get away with your dastardly deeds and do whatever you want.
Most Fucked Up Kid: MJ is going to have some serious Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after his most recent ordeal.
Fun Scale: 8
Mother's Day Present: A copy of He's Just Not That Into You

Nora Walker
Why She's Bad: She's the type of mother that refuses to see her children's faults and will therefore let them get away with anything, and help them to do it. However, her instincts to meddle are almost unbearable and she's unhealthily involved in her adult children's lives. Like all the other Walker brothers and sisters, she likes to keep secrets.
Worst Parenting Moment: Almost giving recovering addict son Justin a fix.
Reasons to Love Her: Who doesn't want a mom to tell you that you're great no matter what? And if you can't call up your mom to gossip, why bother to call at all.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Unrepentant embezzler Tommy.
Fun Scale: 5
Mother's Day Present: An iPhone.

Betty Draper
Why She's Bad: In a show full of mad men, she's a mad woman; your classic frosty '60s housewife who is June Cleaver on the outside and Sylvia Plath on the inside. Her children are like another accessory in her home, ones she can't connect to emotionally.
Worst Parenting Moment: Locking her kids in the closet, and smoking and drinking (a lot) while pregnant.
Reasons to Love Her: The hair, the clothes, the perfectly-cooked meals. Betty is retro fabulous.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Sally is already a petty theif, but we bet Bobby turns into the funnest coke fiend at Studio 54.
Fun Scale: 3
Mother's Day Present: Valium.

Jackie Peyton
Why She's Bad: She's a drug addict who feels more comfortable on the job than at home. Also, she's leading a double life and having an affair to keep herself in prescription drugs.
Worst Parenting Moment: Getting in a fight at her daughter's tap class.
Reasons to Love Her: She tries to keep things light and interesting, taking her daughters on outings and spoiling them because of her guilt.
Most Fucked Up Kid: Grace, a neurotic mess with an anxiety disorder.
Fun Scale: 6
Mother's Day Present: A new haircut.

Nicki Grant
Why She's Bad: We have no problem with her raising a family in the big love of polygamy, but she lies to and manipulates everyone around her, using her children as pawns. Also, she has such daddy issues of her own that she's barely fit to raise kids.
Worst Parenting Moment: Abandoning her brood to move back to the fundamentalist compound she came from, without telling her kids why she left of when she's coming back.
Reasons to Love Her: Nicki is the kind of trainwreck that is marvelous to behold. And when she's not quoting pat Bible platitudes, she can be dishy and fun.
Most Fucked Up Kid: On a show with this many children, we can barely tell them apart from the others.
Fun Scale: 2
Mother's Day Present: A Topsy-Tail

Zolciak is infamous for her bizarre blunderbussing on the Bravo reality show, from crying about fake hair and making up a fake cancer story, to feeling entitled to a country singing career when her singing voice sounded like a pile of burnt toast tumbling out of her mouth, to (not-so) secretly dating a rich married "celebrity" named Big Daddy so he'd buy her Cadillacs and things.

Then she started a ludicrous website. Around that time, Kim hired World's Worst Publicist Jonathan Jaxson to get her name out there. He then shuttered her blog for nonpayment last week — though the taunting message announcing its suspension by her "webmaster" is now gone.

So ol' Kim is suing Jaxson —for supposedly messing around with her website and telling people she was broke (she is). Which all makes pathetic, weary sense. Adding a dash of Jaxson's miserable little spice to this sad soup of polyester hair and hoarse cigarette voices is a natural step for this awful story.

The world is dead and rotting. That's basically all there is to this.

In this economy, ABC can't afford to only let go every gay, gay-adjacent, or gay-hating actor on Grey's Anatomy. Other ABC series are feeling the burn, and two newly departing actors were announced today.

The first? Nicollette Sheridan of Desperate Housewives, according to E!:

So how's she getting offed? Here are the exclusive details of the rumored exit...

As it's been penned: Edie [Sheridan] finds out her husband, Dave, plans to kill her-and Dave almost does kill her. She runs out of the house, but alas, poor Edie gets in an accident, something involving her car and an electrical wire. More details to come; the script is still being released for table reads.

Our condolences, Nicollette; may David Spade offer you a spindly shoulder to cry on. Also getting formally fired is the much-rumored-about Balthazar Getty, says E!:

After weeks of rumors that Getty has been causing problems on the set, sources tell us exclusively that episode 19, titled "Spring Broken," will be Getty's last of the season.

According to insiders who work on the show, Getty's character, Tommy Walker, will have a very dramatic and surprising storyline in coming episodes, in which he will-spoiler alert!-go to jail, get out on bail and go on the lam in Mexico.

But here's the really scandalous part...

Sources tell me that before he goes, Balthazar's Tommy will get thoroughly wasted, flirt with young girls and get a nice slap across the face from his mother, Nora (Sally Field).

Is it a case of art imitating adulterous life, or were Getty's future plotlines swallowed-up by Field's maniacal scene-chewing? Whatever it is, we're sure the tumbling economy didn't help; it's a good thing Lost announced an end-date it's working steadily toward, or we have a feeling that the May sweeps smoke monster would leave no one on the show besides Michael Emerson and the dog who plays Vincent. Actually, we would still watch that.

• Exclusive! Nicollette Sheridan's Desperate Housewives Days Numbered [E!]

• BREAKING NEWS: Nicollette Sheridan Leaving Desperate Housewives [E!]

IS Alaska's Gov. Sarah Palin headed to "Desperate Housewives"? Series creator Marc Cherry is "very hot to trot to have her appear on the season-five finale," Hollywood p.r. man Hal Lifson, who's not involved with the show, told us. "Marc is highly enamored of Sarah and sees her as the ultimate guest star [playing] a similar version of herself. The idea has gone over surprisingly well with execs at Disney, who see it as a blockbuster based on Sarah's huge ratings on 'Saturday Night Live.' " Cherry declined to comment. An ABC rep said, "There's no truth to it."

And who is this "Hollywood p.r. man Hal Lifson, who's not involved with the show"? Well, as near as we can tell from his website, he represents exactly three things: a Palm Springs hotel, singer Doc Kupka, and a husband-and-wife pair of runners. Naturally, this qualifies him to dish inside dirt on Desperate Housewives. Oh, and coincidentally, all three of Lifson's clients boast New York Post press clippings (here, here, and here)! Wonder how that happened. Next time it is a slow news day, readers, we shall ask our friends to make up wild rumors about struggling Georgia senator Saxby Chambliss and Gossip Girl, then print them as fact. This, then, is our J-school legacy to you.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• WISTERIA BOUND? [Page Six]

SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives Time Travels
The big surprise in last season's finale was a series of short scenes showing the characters five years in the future. The new season picked up where that left off, with everyone older and not necessarily wiser. It's a bit gimmicky, yes, but it's allowed them to jettison tiresome plotlines and create brand new ones (Lynette's rambunctious twin boys are now rambunctious twin young men!). While some of us here at HQ still find the show to be a bit of a whiny bore, others are digging the series like it was the first season all over again. B+

Entourage's Cameoverload
The HBO boyfest LA answer to girl business New Yorkfest Sex and the City has been overdoing it with the celebrity guest appearances, yes. But its arc has also been pat and frustrating. Drama has reached Inspector Clouseau levels of idiocy, Turtle has been given little to do, E continues to rankle in his snappy-short-guy-who's-kinda-earnest way, Adrien Grenier still cannot act, and poor Jeremy Piven is going to drive himself to an early grave with all his senseless bellowing. Credit to the underused Debi Mazar and Rex Lee for keeping their characters fresh and fun, though. C-

Dexter Is Still Killer
Showtime's gory character study about a Miami forensics expert cum justice-seeking serial killer (Michael C. Hall, steamy as ever) and the people who orbit him is still as thrilling as ever. Good grades go to Jennifer Carpenter's sassy new haircut, the always-dependable Lauren Vélez and David Zayas as Dexter's weary partners in crime fighting, and to the softly heartbreaking Julie Benz who brings a quiet dignity to every tiny scene she's in. This season's chief storyline (so far), concerning Dexter's accidental murder of an ADA's (Jimmy Smits) brother, is tense and ominous. You know, as the show should be. A-

True Blood, Truly
It's campy and silly at times, yes, but with the ever-increasing mysterious death toll, we're hooked now. Anna Paquin-factor be damned. B

Mad Men
Oh you know it's good. A

MONDAY

Gossip Girl & The Hills: Hurt So Good
The Upper East Side teen soap (fiction) and the Los Angeles post-teen soap (reality!) are both dumb and gut-churning sometimes, yes, but both have mostly been hitting on as many cylinders as they can so far this season. GG has tempered the silly melodrama of last season with more groan-inducing witty New Yorky references and word play, while The Hills has mined some sneakily affecting emotional depths. (Well, not really that affecting, but you know, relatively.) It's what the kids are watching and really, they could be doing worse. GG: B+, Hills: B-

Two and a Half Men Apparently Exists
Yeah, apparently it does. And lots of people watch it. Sigh. D

TUESDAY

Greek Is The Best Show You're Probably Not Watching
Well the third season of this terrific little confection of a college series is almost over, but I'm told the entire first season is available for your ears and eyeballs to consume online. It's a funny, sweet, nice-but-not-too-nice dramedy about a college in Ohio (where it's always sunny and warm!), that has soared these past couple of months. That Greek (heh!) guy from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is on it, and, well, swoon. The various romantic polygons have remarkably not gotten tired, and the sore-thumb single gay plotline has been treated calmly and evenly. Go watch! A-

Please Do Not Watch 90210
This excreble misery of a remake is a sloppily-made, boring piece of drivel that mind-bogglingly managed to even underestimate the taste level of squealing teenage girls. With seemingly no feel for plot structure, continuity, character, or humor, the writers have blundered along, serving us tepid little piles of gruel that—despite the presence of o.g. stars Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth (plus a hilarious Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez line)—woefully pale in comparison to the original teen whine and cheese party. Ugh. F-

Fringe: WTF?
OK, we admit we only watched the first episode of this sci-fi CSI meets X-Files pastiche. And we admit to sort of enjoying it. But nothing really pulled us back in. Joshua Jackson, way late of Dawson's Creek, is as wannabe suave and charming as ever, Anna Torv is sort of hard to pin down, and Lance Reddick is left to lurk in the shadows, reminding of us better work like The Wire and Lost. Who has kept up with this? How's it doing? We guess right now we'll give it a C

WEDNESDAY

Goodbye Forever, Project Runway
So it ends tonight, whatever. This season has been kind of unbearable, save for a few highlights (Leanne! Sort of!), with its annoying catchphrases, untalented contestants, and uninspired challenges. When the show comes back as a sad Pontiac Phoenix rising from the ashes on Lifetime (or, um, maybe not), we're pretty sure we're not going to watch it. Which is sad, because it used to be so damn good. Ah well. To everything a season and blah blah. C-

I Suppose There Have Been Other Things Airing On Wednesday Nights?
Um, let's see here.. Lipstick Jungle? No thanks. Knight Rider? Certainly not. America's Next Top Model? Never in a million years. Oh here we go. Top Design. Wait. Wait, nope. Not that either.

THURSDAY

Clocking In At The Office
We've only had two episodes, but they've been squirmy, swoony delights thanks mostly to the rainy day engagement between floppy old Jim and frizzy old Pam—though, it'd be nice to have her back in the actual office, rather than flirting it up with that teddy bear dude from Mad Men—and to the pitch-perfect Amy Ryan as a strange, nerdy, cautious love interest for ever-bumbling Michael Scott. Kudos also to the show's writers for giving lesser-seen characters like Meredith their chances to shine. A-

Kath & Kim
Sad. Just sad. Such high hopes for the usually likable Molly Shannon and Selma Blair, but this Australian import just didn't connect. D

Live From New York It's... Thursday Night?
Because of some sort of political and economic foofaraw going on these days, Lorne Michaels and co. have decided to add a special Thursday version of their Saturday Night Live Weekend Update segment to the NBC lineup. You know, to stay current and all. We've only had one so far (they'll run up to the election), and it was funny in parts and strained and awkward in others. The thing is, SNL is so skimpy on the funny as is, it seems a bit foolish to stretch out their best material to two nights a week. But, we'll keep watching for now and give it a tentative B.

It Really Is Always Sunny In Philadelphia
FX's hilarious, filthy, swear-filled, low-budget comedy It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia continues to blow the brain with out-there yet somehow completely salient themes like the gas crisis and how to fake one's own death. A

(Note: Please come back, '30 Rock.' Pleeeassse??)

THOSE OTHER TWO NIGHTS NORMAL PEOPLE SPEND DRUNK

Friday and Saturday... I dunno. I guess there's new stuff on, but who really watches. So instead let's take a moment to discuss the real TV this fall, which of course has been news and various humorous reportings on said news. As we said above, there seems to be some sort of election happening as well as some coverage of the large and troubling black hole that recently opened up here in New York, south of Worth Street. The "news" programs, as they were, have been of course loud and shouty and irksome and saturated with the kind of editorializing and conjecture that has somehow slunk its way to the top of the heap. It's so rare, like really honestly rare, these days to see any reporting that's not loaded with opinions and speculation and all manner of rabid fame-clawing by correspondents desperate to earn the next truckload of sweet ass O'Reilly or Olbermann cash. Fuck who's in the tank for who, let's toss out both tanks and start from scratch. And yes, though I like her, I'm willing to throw the Maddow out with the bathwater. F+

The parody shows, chiefly The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, have fared far better because, duh, there's just so. much. to make fun of. It's no surprise that these arch hosts (Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert) are performing ably, but all of their correspondents, writers, and editors have also been more on top of their game than we've seen in a long time. Wherever you fall on the issues (crazy, nonsensical shortsightedness vs. Barack Obama), the back-to-back lineup is always worth watching. A+

So that's that! Tell us what else you've been watching and if you've enjoyed it in the comments. And, you know, disagree with me. Because really I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

Boomp3.com

Before proceeding down the red carpet at a charity event, Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria Parker checked in with her closest associates for a bit of last minute advice. While the advice was inaudible to the normal human ear, a body language expert felt that the close associate weren’t dispensing any form of advice, but a quick boost of confidence. The expert said, “The left one said something about being really awesome while the right spoke about how they’re really workin’ it tonight.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan appeared to be very desperate to hear some feedback on her brand new boots. Sheridan said, “I picked up them when after things went south with Michael. Again. Now, I’m not so sure if they're right way to announce to the world that I'm back on the market.” The results of Sheridan’s informal survey showed that a majority of those asked were not fans of the boots, but with the caveat that they looked like they'd be really comfortable.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

After filming a scene for the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria Parker took out a stack of bills and began to count out loud at a very high volume. One crewmember asked if Longoria Parker was going to practice her stealth tipping skills, but the popular actress said that her husband is the undercover tipper in their relationship. Another crewmember thought that Longoria Parker might be headed to the Spearmint Rhino to make it rain. Longoria shook her head and said, "Wrong. All wrong. It's my snack money for when I see Pineapple Express at the Americana tonight, dudes. Skittles and James Franco, crazy delicious!"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

The salad may provide me with enough energy to last rest of today's filming. But, my Blackberry is my Blackberry and I can talk to my husband. The salad is healthy and may be delicious; I think it's a chicken salad of some kind. But, I can talk to all of my friends and see what they're up to. I could find out if Ryan Seacrest really sleeps with his Blackberry under his pillow. I mean, I could do both, but my one handed typing skills are not as strong as I'd like them to be. Tony is good at it, though. Maybe he can teach me. I should message him about that. I think I'm going to do both because they take away my Blackberry as soon as I get within 5 feet of the set.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In 2001, 24 debuted. Its premiere episode was nearly pulled because it featured a plane getting shot out of the sky in a scenario eerily similar to the events of September 11th. But viewers who found the terrorists-are-out-to-get-us premise all too believable could relax because Jack Bauer was assigned to protect an African-American presidential candidate. There was no way that was realistic; there weren't even any Black senators. But a funny thing happened. Palmer won the election. We've spent the past six years watching an African-American president. We've seen him handle one ridiculous crisis after another — and he seemed to be doing a better job than the president we actually had. Palmer even had some of Obama's annoying qualities. He always wanted to take the high road, even when the situation merited a Jack Bauer style ass-kicking. He was too trusting of his unscrupulous associates.

The Obama/Palmer connection has been observed throughout the blogosphere and by the actor who played Palmer himself, Dennis Haysbert. Who knows. Maybe Hilary's real problem was that TV's female president is relegated to basic cable on Battlestar Galactica.

The gay marriage-television link is equally strong. While gay weddings were occasional plot points dating back to the Seinfeld episode where Elaine attends a gay wedding, this past season they were parts of the season finales of two of ABC's hits. Moreover, they were presented as ordinary events, no different than heterosexual marriage ceremonies. Brothers and Sisters ended with Kevin and Scotty's wedding, which was attended by a Republican senator.

On Desperate Housewives, conservative, gun toting Republican Bree, who once abandoned her gay son, catered the wedding of Wisteria Lane gays, Bob and Lee. None of the heterosexuals on the block raised an eye brow.

Mere weeks later, the California Supreme Court legalized gay marriage. Coincidence? Probably. But the muted opposition outside of Kern County could be because people are already used to seeing gay weddings on TV.

As the Times notes, Hatcher "has both confirmed and denied" having work done, but the image at left of Hatcher in 1991's Soapdish shows a smoother, plumper visage. And Carrie Fisher's triumphant and hilarious guest appearance on 30 Rock last year was tarnished only because "you had to hit the rewind button a few times to make sure it was her."

As much as we adore Barbara Walters til death does us part, it's hard to ignore her incapability to express more than one stoic expression on The View these days. And Melanie Griffith's less-than-stellar career of late hasn't been helped by what the Times refers to as "much-speculated-upon changes to [her] visage."

And then there are the two wild cards. As easy as it seems to label Priscilla and Marcia Cross as Botox users, we can't help but notice how similar they look to their decade(s)-old versions. Maybe we're going out on a limb, but is it possible that these two were simply born with sky-high eyebrow arches and remarkable cheekbones? As they say, maybe she's born with it.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• ON TV: BOTOX. FACE-LIFTS. RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY. [LAT]

As Hatcher tells Usmagazine.com, it was Denton and her daughter who picked out the song for her, and while we've never been huge Carrie Underwood fans, we sincerely hope the only time we ever hear this song again is on her watch. More importantly, we sincerely hope the next time we see a long-haired toothpick grinding against their mic, that toothpick will be Steven Tyler, and that mic will be wearing a scarf.

• TERI HATCHER: SINGING ON IDOL WAS 'NERVE-WRACKING' [US Magazine]

Among the most deserving members of the group are, in no particular order:

Jim Halpert on The Office: because laughter is everything. Plus, he's tall.
Ned on Pushing Daisies: Tall, too! And he makes pies. While wearing an apron. With perfect hair and dreamy eyes and that tall, lean frame...let's just say we'd forgive him if he accidentally killed us.
Amanda Tanen on Ugly Betty: If we swung that way, this would be our girl (free clothes!), and from our imagined male point of view, well, same thing: free suits!
Michael and George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development: Best. Threesome. Fantasy. Ever. And afterwards, Michael Cera might bake you cookies, while Jason Bateman played you his favorite records!
Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks: Sure, not Swimsuit Issue-worthy (at least back then, but these days in ER, yum), but in a way, Lindsay was the original Juno MacGuff.

And the incomprehensibles:

Jack Bauer from 24: While we genuflect thrice daily to a poster of the real-life Kiefer, we are going to have to strongly oppose the choice of Jack Bauer. Are we the only ones who happened to catch the fact that his wife was tortured, raped and killed? Yeah, dreamboat for sure.
Jack Shephard from Lost: Yes, Matthew Fox is a fox, there is no doubt. And yes, he's a doctor, and sure, he may have saved, oh, a trillion or so lives. But he's got daddy issues, and we're not into being bossed around, even if it means saving the world (or whatever the fuck they're trying to save this season).
Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills: 90210: Again, hot. But as much as Brenda Walsh infuriated us with her teeth and her moody/wannabe actress/princess-y tendencies, we'd have dumped the too-cool-for-school druggie just on the basis of Squint Addiction.
Summer Roberts from The OC: We've been known to act a little high-maintenance from time to time, but this Cali girl took the term to new heights of offensiveness. Plus, she kinda strikes us as one of those high-school girls who'd pretty much just lay there and blab on her cell while you're pumping away.
Bree Van De Camp from Desperate Housewives: Seriously? Of all the (admittedly impossible-to-choose-from) old frumps on this old frump of a show, EW readers want the shrill ice queen in their sack? Thin lips + bony legs = thanks but no thanks.

And finally, the most crucial void on the list, the most adorable, dateable, loveable visage ever to cross our screens, was inexcusably uninvited to join the list of Effables: Bret from Flight of the Conchords. We don't know about you, but every episode has been permanently saved on our DVR and played repeatedly, from noon to night, to the dismay of our roommate. We'll let you tell us who the EW readers scathingly excluded from the list in the comments!

• READER PICKS: TV CHARACTERS YOU'D DATE [EW]

What, exactly, caused a friendly sidewalk exchange between Jesse Metcalfe and Taryn "Hustle & Flow" Manning to result in a knuckle-sammy to the meticulously manicured face of the career-doomed Desperate Housewives gardener, we perhaps shall never know. Even more tragically, all dreams of meting out some D-list street-justice were dashed by club security, who held Metcalfe back, telling him to "Sh-sh-sh...Bouts over pretty-boy," before patting him on his crispy hair and sending him on his way.

• Jesse Metcalfe Knocked on His Ass!! [TMZ]

(The NSFW link is here.) The shots, much as Schmidt described back when the couple was trying to legally block him from brokering them back in Oct. '06, depict Cross emerging from an outdoor shower, completely au naturelle in every sense of the word, and looking not particularly thrilled to be having her picture taken. Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to head out in search of a loofah, a bar of Lava soap, and the closest outdoor shower.

• Special footage of Desperate Housewives's Marcia Cross (NSFW) [bedtimeforbeavis.com via ONTD]