Uncle Jesse will soon be doing a beautiful duet with Verbal Kint? Weird! Yes, John Stamos has just been cast in Kevin Spacey's upcoming film Father of Invention, a comedy about a crazy inventor. We've written so much about this movie in these here Trade Roundup pages. This is going to be the biggest movie ever, right? Like, total summertime box office foofaraw that makes a kajillion dollars. Wait, what's that? It will be some barely-released indie that no one sees and is forgotten quickly? Much like Spacey's upcoming Shrink? Oh. Oh OK. That's too bad. [Variety]

Sorry, all you Tyler Perry haters. The Atlanta-based entertainment mogul—who produces religiously draped morality plays about black folks both embracing and pushing away negative stereotypes—has had his TBS (also in Atlanta!) television series House of Payne picked up for another 46 episodes. 46! I watched an interview once with Mr. Perry where he talked about the show's lead actress at one point praying off camera before a scene then speaking in tongues suddenly while filming said scene. He loved it and told them to keep it in. This is true. I am not making this up. He's a "sure, people speak in tongues all the time and it is normal" kind of Christians. He's also one of those "nobody in the black community is gay" kind of Christians, though he hasn't really said that out loud. But his movies, in some ways, speak for themselves. [THR]

Joshua Leonard, who disappeared into the wild woods of Maryland some ten years ago leaving only some teeth (or was it a finger?), is on the move. Yes the Blair Witch Project actor has his big Hump Day coming out soon, and now he's signed on to star in The Lie, a comedy about a struggling musician trying to make decisions. In another film or two the lazily funny actor will probably be bumped up to sarcastic-best-friend-to-annoying-male-lead-in-a-romantic-comedy status, competing directly with the likes of Thomas Lennon (who is a fucking millionaire because he wrote Night at the Museum). Hollywood! [Variety]

Longtime ER producer and showrunner David Zabel has inked a deal with NBC to make a pilot. It will be a legal drama with a family bent, because Zabel's family has a grand tradition of working in law. And also because Judging Amy was long enough ago that only a few people remember it happened it all. Tyne Daly remembers. Tyne Daly will remember forever. [THR]

Haa, OMG look. There are new posters out for The CW's upcoming sure-to-be-dreadful Melrose Place show, and they're very similar to those once-popular "OMFG" Gossip Girl posters. My favorite is above. Because what a pun that is, right?? Menage a Tues. Because it's on Tuesdays! Should I have gone with the one that says "Tuesday Is the New Humpday" (Joshua Leonard!), which implies that people on the show will be humping? Children will be watching this show guys. Married Emo Queen Asheee Simpson is on it. Children. Humpday. Menage a Tues. Hollywood! [THR]

Oh thank God. Unstoppable, the movie about a runaway train full of chemicals, is back...on track. See Denzel Washington had walked away for a bit because of delays and whatnot, leaving poor little Chris Pine all by his lonesome, but now he's back. It's filming in Pittsburgh. And really, who can say no to Pittsburgh?? [Variety]

HOLY SHIT. This is a sentence: "The also-untitled Chilli project will follow the singer as she enlists the help of relationships expert Tionna Smalls to find love." Like, our old friend Tionna Smalls? Holy shit. Oh, that's about a new VH1 reality show with the TLC chick Chilli. There's another show about Pepa Denton, from Salt 'n Pepa. Man, the world is reeling right now. In a good way. [Variety]

Oh God. Amy Adams has joined the cast of that Mark Wahlberg/Christian Bale boxing picture directed by Darren Aronofsky, The Fighter. She'll play "Charlene, a tough, gritty bartender and former college high-jumper from Massachusetts". And you know what that means, folks? Another bad, strained Boston accent. Adams is a great actress but "tough" and "gritty" she is nawt. Did anyone see What Doesn't Kill You? Holy hell, that thing was a maudlin disaster. Amanda Peet had a decent accent though. But what's with the Boston fetishism? I'm all for movies made in my beloved hometown, but "Charlene, a tough, gritty bartender"? Well, she'd better look like Beverly D'Angelo on a bad day and be cranking Newport butts 'cause otherwise, I won't believe it. [THR]

Speaking of faux grit, Mariska Hargimammy and Chris Meloni have signed on for more work as detectives Rapey and McLoosecannon on Law & Order: SVU. They'll stick around for at least two more seasons, making about $400,000 a week. Christine Lahti is going to guest for a few episodes, which is great, and Stephanie March will be back for ten episodes, which is also great. I really like this show, even though it is ridiculous and those paychecks listed above make me want to claw my eyes out. The world is off kilter my friends. [Variety]

Oh no! Unstoppable, that movie about a runaway train headed towards chemicals, might be derailed. Or stopped! Or any of the other wordplay things you can do! Chemicals! Denzel Wershington and Christina Pine were to star and Tony Scott was to shake a camera around and confuse everyone direct, but now budgetary concerns are halting its progress. See, star-driven stuff like Tony and Denzel's The Taking of Weird Numbers Train, also about a train, didn't do well. Mostly it's because no one likes John Travolta anymore, but Denzel will still get blamed. This is a tragedy for these multi, multi, multimillionaires. [THR]

Aw, Chris Kattan has something to do now. The rubber-faced Saturday Night Live actor will costar in a new series called The Middle, a single-cam ABC show about a Midwestern car saleswoman, played by Patricia Heaton. It will be a fun two episodes before it gets canceled. [THR]

Eight and a half million people watched something called Princess Protection Program on the Disney Channel on Friday. Sadly, and inexplicably, I was not one of them. Seriously, Richard? You didn't even know this was on? Even though Selena Gomez, whom you hate, was in it, and you have seen A Cinderella Story 2? Disaster. I'm losing it in my old age. [Variety]

Oh, terrific. Dimension is planning a remake of An American Werewolf in London, because of TwinkyTwinkleLight probably. Let's just hope that Tom Everett Scott stays far, far away from this one. [THR]

With the tighter confines of a New York City subway car to contain him, Travolta has downgraded his Parisian bazooka for a more conveniently terrorizing handgun. And as the heavily tattooed hijacker to Denzel Washington's transit worker-turned-crisis negotiator, he's surrendered the adorable leather-daddy exterior we had hoped he'd maintain for at least a few more roles. Alas, the savagery is complete. As for the rest, we're still not convinced the 1974 original required a visit from the End of Ideas fairy, but who can say really say no to Tony Scott? Oh. Well, give it a look anyway.

• 'The Taking Of Pelham 123' [YouTube]

According to Page Six, the North Beverly Park Homeowners Association (including Jackson and Magic Johnson, among others) is outraged that the South Beverly Park HOA (representing Washington, Stallone, Eddie Murphy and even Sumner Redstone) has denied it members use of an entry gate on Mulholland Drive — "forcing the south dwellers' nannies, workmen and relatives to drive seven miles around to the south gate."

Naturally, this effrontery cannot stand; the dueling associations are presently squaring off in court, with the exasperated judge urging reconciliation while the North group's lawyer complained that the smaller, Oscar-challenged HOA to the south should pay for the right to use the gate. Meanwhile, we hear Sharon Waxman is set to report that Denzel's side rejected their neighbors' offer via secret ballot in a high-powered, super-classified dinner at Redstone's joint. Nikki Finke naturally will protest those findings, confirming instead that Sam Jackson's nanny was, in fact, spotted entering the community on Mulholland.

Such drama! Please let us know if your own Beverly Park detours persist; we're determined to mediate a speedy resolution any way we can.

• Civil War in H'Wood [NYP]

The latest installment also includes Kate Winslet, Denzel Washington, Shenae Grimes, James Cromwell, Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, Whitney Port, Anton Yelchin, T.R. Knight and more.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17

I spotted RYAN GOSLING at the Hotel Cafe last week catching a show by singer AUDRA MAE. He was with a bunch of scruffy dudes - sans Rachel McAdams! Ladies, there may still be hope for us all. He looked super thin and was rocking some stubble. Stayed and hung out after the show until some drunk chick vomited all over the bar, at which point he promptly beelined for the door.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 18

Just returned from the new Big Wang's in West Hollywood where KEVIN FEDERLINE was holding court around the pool table. The group that he was with was way too exited to be in a NoHo bar with KFed. Lots of hooting and cheering every time he made a shot.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 19

Saw super talented and delicious HGTV's Next Design Star runner-up MATT LOCKE at the Sound of Music sing-along. Insert joke about hammering hard wood here. Snicker snicker.

I'm walking up Flower street in Downtown LA around noon today walking towards The Standard when all of a sudden TIM GUNN walks out. He looks great, if not incognito. In hindsight I should have asked him to say "holla at ya boy."

Right now. A very blond KATE WINSLET in first-class on AA 180 from LAX to JFK.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 20

I spotted the USS Enterprise crew member ANTON YELCHIN in Van Nuys on Saturday night at a party at Beer City Studios. He was supporting a friend's band on harmonica and guitar. Much later in the evening, he serenaded the remaining party goers with an 8-minute, improvisational story song about his experience with a "MILF."

Also spotted at the party that night was SAM GOLZARI from American Dreamz and 21. He was playing with his band at the party and, needless to say, we were all "Omerized."

While eating excellent pizza at Tomato Pie on Melrose, SHENAE GRIMES from 90210 walked past me twice. Petite, cute and NOT ANOREXIC!!!! no matter what the tabloids or the L.A. Times claim. Five minutes later, same place, spotted JAMES CROMWELL with his wife/girlfriend and an unexpected big smile on his face.

The MTV Awards may be just a memory now, but on Saturday I actually saw JESSE CAMP, live and in person outside of Cheetah’s. He was accompanied by his wife, and looks pretty much exactly the same as when he won that contest years ago.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 21

On Griffith Park Blvd. at the intersection with Los Feliz Blvd. Was waiting for the traffic lights to change, and just glanced in the rear view to check my hotness, and who do I see pulled up to my bumper, baby? None other than delish-o-gay, T.R. KNIGHT. Was at the wheel of his champagne, metallic SUV (not too big). I knew he lived nearby and it was only a matter of time... Was using his cellphone as he drove. Bad man. Needs bottom spanked. Matter of time...

At the Aero Theater for a sneak peek of Choke - LAURA INNES (redhead doc from ER) sat just across the aisle from me — she laughed in all good spots, stayed for the Q&A with director CLARK GREGG, looked nice and normal and had no attitude (unlike some other people who flipped their lids over the no-camera rule); also JON FAVREAU was there to support Gregg — someone asked a question about Iron Man 2 and they had a laugh, Favs hung out for a bit and talked to all sorts of fans who were surprised to see him, another no-attitude celeb.

MONDAY, SEPT. 22

At BLT Steak: WHITNEY PORT and five others sat at the table next to us, which was fine, she's pretty and all and her manager or whatever wasn't too annoying. But, as we were walking out I noticed DENZEL WASHINGTON sitting in a corner. I feel like he smiled at me when I smiled at him. He is way sexy.

Spotted KEVIN BACON and KYRA SEDGWICK in the parking lot at the southwest corner of Ventura and Beverly Glen in Sherman Oaks at noon today. They were walking to their light blue Prius and looked young, cute, and fit. Seriously. At first I thought it couldn't be them, because who is that cute young blonde ponytailed girl? But sure enough, it was Kyra (no mistaking that face). At one point Kevin put his arm around her and they kissed. Genuinely looked like the real deal.

Amanda Peet: Even a Neil Simon script and eye candy provided in the form of Patrick Wilson couldn’t save Peet’s 2006 role in Barefoot In The Park from critical ridicule and a very brief run. The NY Times equated the theatergoer’s experience to watching paint dry, and said of her performance: "She's trying, really hard, to be funny and freewheeling, but it hurts.” Ouch.

Kathleen Turner: You would think no one could dare attempt to reincarnate The Graduate's Mrs. Robinson other than Nicolas Cage defamer Kathleen Turner. The husky voice, the stiff hair, the scent of desperation — all right up Turner’s alley. Sadly, the dame spent most of her off-stage time downing vodka and passing out on the theater’s bathroom floor. Watching Luke Perry fondle the elderly is painful enough — watching him fondle the elderly and unconscious? Impossible.

Denzel Washington: Denzel’s 2005 appearance as Julius Caesar wasn’t a flop per se, but, as is the case with too many of his movies, making a whole bunch of money does not a success make. Fanfare ensured the limited run filled seats, but reviews handily laid out the Unwelcome Mat for the unimpressive star on the Great White Way.

David Schwimmer: The NYT struck again, ripping to shreds Schwimmer’s attempt to erase Ross Gellar from our scarred memories by making his Broadway debut in a heavy military revival. Labeled a bland “pouty puppy,” Schwimmer didn’t let the swift exit of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial deter him from killing off The Producers opposite the wildly high-regarded vocal talents of Larry David.

Julia Roberts: When being called a “lamppost” is the highlight of your critical fallout, you know it’s time to tidy up the stage and quickly put your total failure of a Broadway debut to bed. But not Julia Roberts! “Hated” by reviewers, unable to sell tickets for half of their going rate, Roberts’ blindingly bright star power dimmed considerably for what felt like the first time after boldly starring in Three Days Of Rain.

• HARTNETT TO STAR IN 'RAIN MAN' AS THE UN-RETARDED ONE [Radar]

While Washington's effectively likens Snipes to a tree (but not the Ficus, a genus forever associated with unlawful tax-evasion), it's Harrelson's moving testimonial that managed to lodge a lump in our throats: The actor relays the events of his first professional film gig, on 1986's Wildcats, during which he, Goldie Hawn, and a number of other high-ranking followers of the Nation of Islam first experienced the ugliness of reverse-racism. Before things could get ugly, however, Snipes stepped in to offer a pacifying lecture on Bigotry Throughout The Years. Or something to that effect.

• Woody And Denzel On Wesley [The Smoking Gun]