That low rumble you felt in your loins this morning wasn't the D train beneath you, headed north to Fordham. No, it was a subconscious reaction to the news that Zac Efron, a young and brave ambassador from the Elf kingdoms of the West, has been cast in yet another movie. It's called The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud, based on the novel of the same name. This comes on the heels (harrrrr) of the news that he's ducked out of the remake of Footloose that Disney-porn auteur Kenny Ortega plans to direct. It's unclear when Efron, whose Elf name is ZaideeEfwinkle, will return to his kingdom of mushroom stools and Kikaree birds, but it seems likely that he'll first have to play the lead in that buzzed-about Shirley Temple biopic. [Variety]

Tom Hanks is developing a movie based on the old action hero space toy Major Matt Mason, who was a noble explorer of the final frontier who lived in a space station. The project is expected to proceed apace until some brave intern timidly taps Hanks on the shoulder and, when he's got his attention, kindly and quietly reminds him that he's not 35 anymore. [Variety] Dennis Quaid and Julianne Moore fucking hate each other. Oh wait, ha ha, no. Just their characters. Quaid is slated to play Bill Clinton and Moore his beautiful wife Hillary in an upcoming HBO film called The Special Relationship, about Clinton's dealings with British PM Antoinette Blair. A weary, so very bored Michael Sheen will once again play Blair, his third go around in the role. [Variety]

National Amusements cinemas is up for sale (by Citigroup), but is not attracting any bids. Potential buyers have been chased away because they want to buy select theaters from the 1,000 screen chain, not the whole kitten caboodle, but Citi won't let 'em. Had they done like I wanted and kept the Circle Cinemas in Cleveland Circle open, none of this would be an issue, I suspect. [THR]

Jon Hamm is playing the lawyer who inspired Perry Mason in the Allen Ginsburg biopic Howl. [Variety] Sparkly vampyr twink Robert Pattinson is going to be a star-crossed lover in the Summit feature (they own him) Memoirs. [Variety] And Slumdog Millionaire pretty face Freida Pinto will star in Julian Schanbel's next artsy fartsy movie, alongside Hiam Abbas, who acquitted herself beautifully in The Visitor. [Variety]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer scourge Michelle Trachtenberg has been cast in that pilot about nurses that isn't Nurse Jackie, called Mercy. She'll play a clueless dork. Fitting. But srsly, folks. This woman has the best agent in the biz. Her continued and frequent employment is baffling. [THR] Meanwhile George Lopez, the man responsible for both Beverly Hills Chihuahua and for currently ruining Nick at Nite, has nabbed the most coveted job in showbiz. He'll be the host of a TBS late-night talk show. Sounds bleak, sure, but Lopez actually has kind of a rabid following. (Rabid was a joke about chihuahuas... sigh). [THR]

1. Harrison Ford - “Air Force One” (1997)
2. Morgan Freeman - “Deep Impact” (1998)
3. Michael Douglas - “The American President (1995)
4. Bill Pullman - ”Independence Day“ (1996)
5. Kevin Kline - ”Dave“ (1993)
6. Dennis Quaid - ”American Dreamz“ (2006)
7. Bruce Greenwood - ”National Treasure: Book of Secrets“ (2003)
8. James Cromwell - ”The Sum of All Fears (2002)
9. Jack Nicholson - “Mars Attacks” (1996)
10. Jeff Bridges - “The Contender” (2000)

Really, America? Dennis Quaid from American Dreamz? Leaving aside our shock that this poll managed to reach all 1,200 people who actually saw American Dreamz, we wonder if they watched a version where Quaid played someone other than a buffoonish parody of George W. Bush. As for Jack Nicholson from Mars Attacks! outranking Jeff Bridges's laid back Commander-in-Chief, perhaps voters simply don't care what the country has to suffer through just so they can eventually live in a teepee with Natalie Portman.

And yes, we noticed the absence of John Travolta's thinly-veiled Bill Clinton analogue from Primary Colors. Maybe his on-screen wife Emma Thompson can run next time.

• Best Movie Presidents: Poll Results [Moviefone]

"It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship," the actor tells us exclusively. "Also, I find it regrettable that our son, Jack, has to be reminded in a public way of the turmoil and pain that every child feels in a divorce."

Quaid, who went on to marry real estate agent Kimberly Buffington and have twins last November, adds: "I, myself, moved on years ago and am fortunate to have a happy, beautiful family."

Why, is that a thinly veiled shot at Meg and her lovely adopted daughter, Oprah Winfrey Ryan? Be careful, Dennis: you can shut her down in the press all you want, but Meg Ryan will never be afraid to give you some lip (after all, she's got plenty to spare).

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Dennis Quaid says Meg Ryan's beef over divorce is 'unbelievable' [NY Daily News]

But she tells the new issue of InStyle (excerpted by Entertainment Tonight), "Dennis was not faithful to me for a very long time, and that was very painful.

"I found out more about that after I was divorced," she adds.

Of Crowe, she says: “I think he took a big hit. But Russell didn’t break up the marriage. He was definitely there at the end, but it wasn’t his fault. I was a mess. I hurt him too at the end. I couldn’t be in another long relationship, it wasn’t the time for that. So I got out.”

She continues, "My time as a scarlet woman was really interesting. As painful as it was, it was also incredible liberating. Now I was utterly free. I didn’t have to care about what people thought."

Now that Ryan has injected life into a long-dormant story with these new, lip-smacking details, we await rebuttals from Quaid and Crowe. In the meantime, like something that was once thin that has become surprisingly full, our impression of Ryan has expanded to include these new revelations. Who knew that America's Sweetheart could OH MY GOD MEG STOP. STOP DOING THAT TO YOUR LIPS. JUST STOP, PLEASE. LOVE, DEFAMER.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Meg Ryan: Dennis Quaid "Not Faithful to Me for a Very Long Time" [Us]

Meg Ryan appeared on the special issue's third cover, following Jodie Foster and Cindy Crawford, in 1994. Happily married to Dennis Quaid and still enjoying that whole America's Sweetheart phase, Ryan was a natural choice. But as we all know, five years later Ryan entered an affair with Proof Of Life co-star Russell Crowe, which led to divorce, trout pout and making dirty movies. Oops. As for Mel Gibson, People's 1996 cover star, beauty gradually descended into bigotry and all kinds of sugar tit-laden anti-Semitic madness we just don't even feel like discussing in detail at the moment.

The very next year, none other than Tom Cruise and his uber-serious mug graced the cover. Officially adored by the world after appearing in Jerry Maguire the year before, Cruise was still married to Nicole and every woman in the country felt that Cruise truly "completed" them. But after hiring a divorce lawyer, a beard (in the form of Penelope Cruz), and a new wife, Cruise's beauty is now only recognized by those with OT-V clearance and above. And finally, 2004's issue featured a blissfully married Jennifer Aniston, who sadly spent most of her interview "laugh[ing] off speculation of then-husband Brad Pitt's rumored romance with Mr. & Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie." Again, oops.

[Photo credits: People.com]

• KATE HUDSON IS PEOPLE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL COVER GIRL [People]

In today's episode: Colin Farrell; Jon Voight; Dennis Quaid; Vince Vaughn; Tim Roth; Janeane Garofalo; Sandra Oh and Dave Gruber Allen; Noah Wyle; Dave Matthews; Amanda Bynes and Ron Jeremy.

· This morning (9/28) at the ghetto Starbucks on Bundy & Ohio, saw Colin Farrell walking out with a male companion. Didn't look midgety and wasn't greasy at all. I'd do him.

· 9/29 — I appear to be following Jon Voight around the Century City mall.

· Dennis Quaid is totally stalking me. First, I go to Harvelle's two weeks ago for the first time in, like, five years, and his band just *happens* to be playing. Then, I go hiking in Will Rodgers State Park this weekend (9/30) for the first time in, like, a year, and he just *happens* to be walking with his dog and his blonde. Coincidence? His dog wanted to kill my dog for some reason, but Dennis kept that shit under control.

· Saw Vince Vaughn tonight (Sep 30) around 7:00pm at the Mayfair/Gelsons grocery store on Franklin and Bronson. He was wearing a gray t-shirt and with another guy who I didn't recognize. Also, taller and more handsome than expected.

· On Saturday early afternoon I was enjoying that tasty coleslaw at the Houston's in Pasadena when lo and behold, Guildenstern himself (or is it Rosencrantz? I forget) Tim Roth sat at the table next to me with his kids. He promptly ordered a pint (nice) and started playing poker with his kids (niiice). Short, handsome and could probably choke a bitch with one hand.

· Saw Janeane Garofalo at Broadway Bar on Saturday night. She is small, and covered in tattoos that are certain to drive 24's makeup artists and wardrobe staff crazy.

· Sep 28 - Saw Dave Gruber Allen (the guidance counselor on Freaks and Geeks) at the Nature Mart in Los Feliz. Next day, saw Sandra Oh looking really hot in a retro 70's outfit at the WeHo Whole Foods, buying skin care.

· Noah Wyle and wife in the pit at the Hollywood Bowl for Bright Eyes and the LA Phil Saturday night...Noah seemed quite excited to document the moment for posterity and had his wife take his photograph with the Bowl stage behind. Where's a Pap when you really need one? Not a celeb by any means, but one of those skinny bitches that won ANTM was also spotted, Nicole perhaps?

· And now, for the most boring celebrity sighting ever: Noah Wyle and family at the Hollywood Bowl Circus show on September 30. He looked tan and happy, wife and kids looked adorable. It is very strange in the Britney/Lindsay era for celebs to actually be normal. Noah's so on the ball he's even mastered the "contented but not smug" facial expression, something his ex-castmate George has yet to achieve.

· 9/27/07 5:45pm - Stuck in traffic on S. Santa Monica Blvd in BH by Sprinkles. I took a look at the line of suckers when I noticed Dave Matthews (without the band) patiently waiting for his chance to overpay for a measly cupcake.

· amanda bynes was dancing with the gays at popstars last night (9/28)

· Was in terminal 2 at LAX on Sun Sep 29 heading back to Toronto after a glorious four-day jaunt in sunny CA. (I attended a friend's wedding in Temecula, and I tried out for "Merv Griffin's Crosswords" and passed the audition — take that, bitches! I'll be back to tape my show on Nov 12.) Around 11:15am I walked into the washroom to, y'know, go pee, and who should I see fixing his hair but Mr. 9 & 3/4" himself, Ron Jeremy.

I know, Hedgehog sightings in LA are a dime a dozen, but it was exciting for me. I looked for about three seconds as I walked in to be sure it was him, but I decided against bothering him. As I stood at the urinal, by which point Ron had departed, I heard some other guy asking excitedly, "Hey, wasn't that the porn star guy?" Yes: yes, it was.

A guy at work told me I should have asked him for his autograph.
According to the documentary on his life, Ron's a lonely guy who gets no respect, and he likes being recognized.

• Even Actors Wanna Be In The Band [TSG]

Dennis Quaid confesses in the new issue of Best Life that he battled "manorexia" in the mid-'90s. After losing 40 pounds to play Doc Holliday in "Wyatt Earp," Quaid says, "My arms were so skinny that I couldn't pull myself out of a pool. I'd look in the mirror and still see a 180-pound guy, even though I was 138 pounds." Quaid, now fit and elegant on the mag's cover, says, "for many years, I was obsessed about what I was eating, how many calories it had, and how much exercise I'd have to do."

Quaid doesn't get into specifics about how he maintained his "manorexic" frame or, for that matter, if his eating disorders also included the tell-tale "heaving-in-the-men's-bathroom" sounds associated with "boylemia". Still, body dysmorphia in males remains exceedingly rare, and it's difficult to say where the source lies in this case. It could have been something as simple as Quaid's then-wife Meg Ryan, whose own physical self-loathing was kicking into high gear around that time and who was always envious of how great he looked in a bathing suit, leaning over in bed and whispering the word "fat, fat, fat" into her husband's ear for several hours after he fell asleep each night.

• MAN NONEATER [NY Post]
• Previously: More Globe Moments: Dennis Quaid's Chick Flick Joke [Defamer]

QUAID: "Our last nominated drama tells the story of two young cowboys who met in the summer if 1963 and forge an unexpected, lifelong connection that proves the endurance and power of love. It's a controversial film. It's...let's just say it rhymes with 'chick flick.'"

[SFX: CRICKETS too confused to muster much chirping.]

[SFX: Barely audible, grudging LAUGHTER.]

CUT TO: Heath Ledger REACTS with a sliver of a smile, wishing he could swallow down his shame like his Brokeback character, Ennis Del Mar.

Always a pro, Quaid took the stifling silence in stride and continued his recitation of Teleprompter copy. But the damage had been done, as millions of people around the world were bumped out of the moment, finding themselves wondering what pronunciation of "an uplifting, emotional tour de force about the incredible, but sometimes tragic, power of love" can be made to rhyme with "chick flick."

• Previously: Golden Globes Hangover: Melanie Griffith Clings To Her Daughter, Past [Defamer]