Enjoy the attempt to figure out who's who—it took us ages before we realize that the cleaned-up, preppie young man to the right was Jackass star Steve-O. It's amazing how a bath, some nice clothes and a thorough airbrushing can turn your ordinary, drug-addicted exhibitionist into someone vaguely reminiscent of a nice college basketball player. Publicity team, you've degaussed your way into our hearts.

• Dancing With The Stars - Season 8 [Zap2It via ONTD]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

Jossip has the goods on the ex-Us staffer, Jill Ishkanian, who had left the magazine (which she then sued) to start a paparazzi agency called Sunset Photo & News (where she was embezzled from).

So how did the industry veteran just happen to be driving near the actress one night this week?

Because, according to one conspiracy theory, Ishkanian was purposefully following her with an agenda in mind.

You'll recall that back when Ishkanian (pictured) was running Sunset Photo, a certain lady named Denise Richards just happened to appear in a number of the agency's shots that were then sold to the tabloids. A on-looker might surmise that Sunset Photo and Richards has a special relationship going on, which benefited them both: Sunset got to profit from photo sales, and Richards got to dictate how she came across in the press (read: good). That was especially important, because the entertainment press was inexplicably obsessed with Richard's then-beau, Richie Sambora, who is Locklear's ex-husband and father to her daughter — and plenty of outlets were interested in painting Richards as the villain in the feud between she and Locklear. [Ed: This story was soooo boring, we didn't even pay attention a the time.]

All this might have led some, like TMZ, to conclude Ishkanian (a Richards ally) tailed Locklear, phoned in a false report of erratic driving to get her arrested, which meant she would have the first pictures of the incident, and another favor paid to Richards, who's still keen on seeing Locklear fall.

We asked Ishkanian to comment on the matter, and she told us "I'm not getting into a pissing match with [TMZ head] Harvey Levin who has all his facts wrong" and instructed us to check with the police investigating the matter, or her attorney. "I'm willing to go through yet another controversy if it means that I saved the life of Heather Locklear, or some other person down the road that may have been affected by her condition behind the wheel. A condition that was not determined by myself, but by 3 CHP officers. The toxicology reports should be very telling indeed."

It appears that the long-awaited Melrose Place revival is now playing out in real life! Was Locklear drugged by Richards? Will Ishkanian rip off her wig and plot to blow up Malibu Colony? Will Lisa Rinna join the saga just as it starts to feel played out? Developing!

• Heather 911 Caller Up to No Good [TMZ]
• The Curious Case of Heather Locklear's Paparazzi-Ready DUI Arrest [Jossip]

"It's coming back for another season," Richards told Us at the Panasonic Lounge at the Passion for Pink luxury suite in L.A. on Tuesday.

"We start filming in a few months," Richards said.

Asked if she has any well wishes for ex husband Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller, who are expecting their first child together, Richards told Us: "I am not commenting on that situation. I hope one day get to a place but I'm not commenting right now."

We, also, hope to one day get to a "place" regarding Richards, only it is a place where we can stop commenting, on account of a cancellation that sticks. Until that day comes, we can do little but huddle around a flickering light of blue flame, rubbing our hands together for warmth as an unstoppable, unkillable Denise putters around her house, occasionally chirping, "It's so fun to have a spa day with your girlfriends!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Denise Richards: Reality Show Renewed! [Us]

"The numbers started out pretty good - just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode," a source told The Insider yesterday. "But the audience has dropped off. "

What, now, will we turn to when our desire to see celebrities coax masturbatory fantasies out of their nephews goes unslaked? You gave it your best shot, Denise — but unlike your character in The World is Not Enough, it looks like Christmas won't be coming early this year.

[photo credit: AP]

• DENISE SHOW IS CANCELED [NY Post]

According to the not-yet-out piece, The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, nude photo aficionado and recent recipient of a brand new pair of boobs, is so focused on maintaining her widely-seen curves that she sports those 4-inch health-impairing stilettos every Sex And The City fan thinks will turn them into Carrie Bradshaw while cleaning house. And thin-as-a-rail Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly uncomfortably yammers on about how she once weighed in at an apparently unacceptable 135 pounds and “literally stopped eating...I’d do Bikram yoga and go to bed. I lost 15 pounds in one month.” We hope the John Mayer tossaway can forgive us for not immediately rising to our feet and giving Minka a standing ovation.

Even picky sperm selector Denise Richards goes overboard in her interview, treating the TVG reporter like a shrink and leaning on her oft-used plea for pity by referencing her recently passed mother: “After my mom died last year, I gained at least 10 pounds. I know because TMZ was kind enough to publish pictures of me looking very, very soft in the stomach.” How refreshing to discover the secret to overcoming grief caused by the death of a family member: just obsessively google images of yourself in a bikini and concentrating on going down a jean size or two! As for the self-professed chunky toddler, A.C. Slater-turned-reality-trash-host Mario Lopez says he “never feels awake unless I’m sweating,” and tells the mag he exercises “for a minimum of one hour a day.” Which sounds about right, considering his current career responsibilities are limited to applying hair gel before “judging” street dance crews alongside J.C. Chasez!

[Photo credits: Getty]

• TV GUIDE [TVG]

If you've had the great pleasure of catching an episode of Denise Richards' star vehicle, It's Complicated, or watching one of her many defensive "I'm A Good Person, Not A Sperm-Stealing Slut" promotional appearances, you may have noticed her quiet insistence on clearing up all those rumors that she stole Bon Jovi guitar hero Richie Sambora from former BFF Heather Locklear. Adding salt to Heather's wound is her assurance that the two weren't even friends — Richards told The View she just met Heather through shared ex and current pay-for-sex repeat offender Charlie Sheen. But Locklear's camp tells the NY Post that the blonde "has phone records that prove Denise was calling Richie while Heather was still married to him...Heather was such a good friend to Denise. She gave Denise clothes and offered her a shoulder to cry on...there are even photos in the press of Heather taking Denise out after she and Charlie split."

Well we're sold. If Heather says she has phone records, says she has pictures, and says she gave Denise actual clothes (since when does the husband get the wife's wardrobe in divorce court?), we don't need further proof. After all, Locklear told us "glamour is all about what you feel inside" in those L'Oreal spots, and truer words were never, ever spoken.

As for Hefner's wild bunch, TMZ reports that producers of everyone's favorite sunny and sparkly show best played on mute, The Girls Next Door, have found themselves in the middle of number one prostitute girl Holly Madison's and trailer park refugee Kendra Wilkinson's battling egos. Though mere (yawn) jealousy is at the center of the fight for Hef's Viagra-bolstered bedroom moves, we're confused about the reported "flying fur" producers are dealing with. Are wigs being torn off? Bikini wax remnants saved and thrust across the pool? We'll have to actually watch the damn thing to demystify that enigma.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• CLAWS OUT AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION [TMZ]
• DENISE'S 'REALITY' CHALLENGED [NYP]

Displaying the same take charge attitude that allegedly drove ex-husband Charlie Sheen into the arms of hookers dressed like cheerleaders, Richards gets Sabrina to admit that she should have returned the clothes in question. Denise then lectures them on learning to get along better and the importance of proper communication. Given the outstanding communication and problem solving skills that Denise and Charlie displayed during their divorce, one can only applaud the E! network's appreciation of irony.

• Denise Richards: It's Complicated [E!]

• WATCH VIDEO

1) Just Because Your Daughter Has Asthma And Your House Is On Fire Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Party ‘Til Dawn!: While Dina leaves her two non-Lindsay, barely teenaged kids Ali and Cody alone to attend what must have been a very important event, because, you know, she's...what is she again when she's not out with Lindsay? Oprah's seat-filler or something? Anyway, Dina demonstrates how important it is to just take care of your business even though your two kids are about to die from an outlet fire and one has asthma and can't breathe. And there's no need to worry about keeping your cell phone handy - I mean what could go wrong? Like, as if an outlet is gonna blow up and nearly kill your asthmatic daughter? Oh. Right.

2) Should Someone Lie To Your Child, ‘Rip Them Up And Chew Them Out’!: Dina makes an excellent point when she tells her viewers that anyone who enters her house must tell the truth and nothing but the truth. This rule, of course, does not apply to her family or anything, just any visitors and stuff. And even though she doesn't admit to having any kind of seventh sense when it comes to lie-detecting, she might just rip you up and chew you out 'cuz she feels like it. She's Dina Lohan, in case you didn't know.

3) It’s Like, Totally Scary For A Mom When Your Child Is Beautiful, Talented And Funny!: So Lindsay did actually get a mention last night, and it was quasi-sweet, though simultaneously so nauseating we wanted to go find Michael Lohan and rip his wig hair out as though he were Dina's voodoo doll (mental note: Make. That. Happen.) You see, Dina and Lindsay have both just been struggling with the fact that Ali is so goddamn pretty and talented and gorgeous and tall and they simply cannot stop her from being the biggest star the world has ever seen. Well, after Dina Lohan, that is.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

First up was It’s Complicated (spoiler alert: it’s not), which begins with a title sequence that calls Richards a bitch and a husband stealer and then attempts to prove those assessments wrong. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t — all we know that is that by the second episode, we hope the producers can add a few more colorful descriptions of Denise into the opening credits. For starters, let's try chronically unemployed, negligent parent and self-obsessed brat. When she gushes in the show that people only know her as the Bond girl and the girl from Wild Things, one is tempted to reach through the screen and shake the delusion out of her skinny bones. Denise, nobody remembers you as a Bond girl, and showing your tits a decade ago isn’t exactly a resumé.

But Richards does have her angle: She used to be married to Charlie Sheen. Once upon a time, there was no way to make money just from being someone’s skanky old fish-faced ex. But Richards has found it, and all the pre-show hype has only helped her claw her way back into the spotlight. There were Sheen’s failed attempts to keep his children from being exploited on the show (which Richards executive produces, natch). Then came yesterday’s aptly-timed MSNBC report, where Richards claims Sheen recently left her a voicemail message saying, “I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you (bleeping) whore.” But don’t get excited; that message is ten times more interesting than anything in this half-hour snoozapalooza.

Next came Living Lohan, which we’re pretty sure had the working title The Creepy Blond Pimp, Lindsay #2 and Some Boy Who May or May Not Be Part of the Family. After the opening of the premiere episode (again, shots of dogs defecating on rugs - a reality TV fascination, for which we still have the Osbournes to blame) the story followed the burgeoning career of Lindsay Lohan’s little sister Ashlee Simpson Ali Lohan. Like Denise Richards, the Lohans seem to spend an inordinate amount of time researching themselves online. Where Denise “finds” a list of semi-famous men she’s dated and wants to brag about, Dina Lohan discovers a picture of her daughter Lindsay giving someone a blowjob. While Dina goes into media attack mode, fourteen-year-old Ali stares at the computer screen, as if she has seen her own fate. And she loves it.

• Denise Richards: It's Complicated [E!]
• Living Lohan [E!]

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen's camp accused Denise Richards of having exploited her children for her own publicity-whoring needs—and re-addressed the time Richards allegedly paused from hurling ambisexual- jailbait- porn-junkie accusations long enough to request a sperm donation of her ex. Now, the star of E!'s Denise Richards: My Undiagnosed Bipolarism Is Complicated is firing back. Talking to Page Six, the actress provided recent SMS evidence suggesting there may be more to her cancer-wishing, tranny-positive ex-husband than meets the eye:

"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold," Richards said. "His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis. [...]

Richards claims the [sperm donation] e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

While our knowledge of fertility-sciences is limited at best, we're almost positive that if Sheen's sperm is prostitute-tranny-infested, it's not necessarily a given that the resulting child would come out a hot mess. On the contrary—they could turn out totally fierce! (Unless, of course, Richards's egg is also prostitute-tranny-infested. Then the trannytute gene is dominant, and you're pretty much guaranteed a hot tranny baby mess.)

• FURIOUS DENISE RETURNS FIRE [NY Post]

Oh, what's to be done with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. They may bicker incessantly and claim they can't stand the sight of one another, but deep down, you just know they're hoping the other contracts feline AIDS. With her E! reality series set to premiere on Memorial Day, Richards has been hitting the talk show circuit harder than Richie Sambora in a bathroom stall at the LAX wrap party. This included some face-time with fossilized CNN grand inquisitor Larry King, where she explained that the show comes directly out of need; not, surprisingly, the need to be on TV, but rather the need to feed and shelter her two children, abandoned by their father to follow his tween-outfitting, trampoline dreams. Now, a "Sheen insider" tells Page Six that Richards' claims are absurd, as the actress is regularly greeted by the beeping sound of a Hollywood Alimony Services dump truck backing into her driveway to release that month's child support payment:

But, "Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support," a Sheen insider fumed. "Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can't?"

In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony - adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen's hot sitcom, "Two and a Half Men," which "eventually will net her up to $25 million," the source said. [...]

With Richards' financial needs accounted for, the question remains: Why? Why subject herself and her children to constant, craftily story-edited observation when she could have just as easily have spared them the experience? Perhaps the show itself will provide the elusive answers, and so now, it's just a matter of waiting until Denise Richards: Yes, I Actually Exist—Kill Yourselves, Kill Yourselves Now premieres to scrutinize it for possible clues.

• SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL [NY Post]

After Denise sternly yet comically puts all those husband-stealing rumors to bed, Whoopi Goldberg opens up her patented can of Whoop Ass and grills the Jessica Rabbit understudy on why she would consider dragging her two young daughters through reality trainwreck hell. But Denise is no sissy, and asks her (twice!) if she'd even seen the show. Whoopi assures her she has with a nervous nod and a "Yes, ma'am," but we're not true believers. If she had, wouldn't she have learned by now that Richards is not the kind of guest you actually throw thinking cap type questions at?

• THE VIEW [ABC]

• WATCH VIDEO

As promised, this series will give the world an overdue glimpse at the real Richards—not the insane-seeming, fame-addicted, serial creep-dating cartoon that's portrayed in the tabloids, but the very real insane-seeming, fame-addicted, serial creep-dating cartoon who splits her leisure time between vanity-Googling sessions and validating rumors for reality show cameras.

• Denise Richards [E! Online]

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking pregnant women for their changing bodies.
The Evidence: "The newest accessory in Hollywood is a baby bump. Let's just hope these don't come with stretch marks. It's all about the cocoa butter ladies!" Because when a woman brings a new life into the world, the first thing on her mind should be taking care of those unseemly stretch marks!
The Sentence: three months of Harlow Richie-Madden diaper duty and a kick in the nuts from mum-to-be Nicole Kidman.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Ageism; heightism; general assholery.
The Evidence: "If I was on the beach, which I am not and haven't been on in years because I don't live the celebrity life of luxury, I wouldn't mind lookin' at [Denise Richards] in hopes of a vagina lip hangin' out but the second a younger, tighter body walks by this hag, I'll be getting my creep on elsewhere. It's one of those better than nothing situations like the time you jerked off to your sister on a family camping trip because it was between her and your mom and jerking off to your mom just felt too wrong..." Wow, there is just so much wrong here. In Drunken Stepfather's world apparently a "tighter body" means a "better person" and it's cool to jerk off to your female family members, because all women — even the ones who are related to you — are only useful as sexual fantasies.
Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Brooke Shields Leaving the hospital on crutches, I guess her legs finally gave-out from the weight of her testicles." Uh, why is Brooke Shields a man? Because she's tall? I don't even understand this one.
The Sentence: Dysentery. Drunken Stepfather can spend all that time on the toilet thinking about what he's done.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's weight; kicking someone when they're down
The Evidence:"Star Magazine is going all crazy over these Britney Spears bikini pictures, claiming she looks great after losing 20 pounds, and she's still losing more. But if you ask me, Britney Spears losing 20 pounds is like Rosie O'Donnell dropping 200: You just wouldn't notice. Regardless, no matter what Britney does, she'll never be attractive again, so I say she should just keep on stuffing her face with Cheetos. At least that way you'll be able to smell the cheesey flavour coming before she crashes her car into your ass." You know, Britney's "attractiveness" to idiots like you is sort of the least of her problems right now. Also, you're a dick.
The Sentence: A lifetime of indentured servitude at the Cheeto factory.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Implying women are men because they are not waifs.
The Evidence: "So, when I say these two rumbled, I mean, literally, the ground shook. Khloe is one solid woman. She could probably give Brooke Hogan a run for her money. Then afterwards they'd swap tips on shaving their testicles. BFFs with balls 4 life!" Jesus — just because a woman has muscles, does not mean she's a man.
The Sentence: A large dose of Nair straight to the ball sack, natch.

Apparently not entirely on top of his clients' current affairs as he should be, Sheen's publicist Stan Rosenfield issued a statement to the NY Post letting them know that "this is an old, old, old story. But, if you're looking for a really good story, I heard that Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are getting a divorce." As the RS story alleges, Sheen had been using Nici's services up until last year. So either Rosenfield has absolutely no idea what the article claims, or thinks the usage of "old" three times will make last year seem just as long ago as 1954. In addition to adding a few more gossip pages into his Google Reader, Rosenfield might want to consider how prophecies he once made to the American Journalism Review have come to fruition: "Freedom of the press doesn't mean you have to be vitriolic...but [the press], in their rush to be super-competitive, gave the control to us. Any power, eventually we're going to lose it."

[Photo credit: Splash]

• SHEEN STAYED HOT FOR HOOKERS [NY Post]