OK!
Did a double issue last week so the editors could spend the holidays rereading the Twilight books, or ahem, doing some "reporting" on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
Grade: Excused for religious holiday (Keeping the "Christ" in Christmas.)

Us
"Elin's Revenge"
Everyone at Us must have had visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads all week because the only new information in this story about Elin Nordegren divorcing Tiger Woods is this dud of a quote from her twin sister Josefin Nordegren: "It's been difficult because it's not something we can deal with in private... But we are doing our best." Snore. In other news, Angelina Jolie gave Jennifer Aniston a break this week and agreed to be the one who's "so lonely." Angie's sad because she has no mommy friends, but for some reason the source phrased that as "Angelina is hungry for normal moms to be around," which makes it sound like she's a mom-brain craving zombie. In "Better Without Makeup?" (image 6), we learn that 66 percent of Us readers think Lady Gaga is beautiful just the way she is. The same can not be said for Kim Kardashian. Finally, Us calls out the other tabloids for their bogus covers in "Fake News of the Year" (image 7). Too bad we already beat them to it.
Grade: F (All he wants for Christmas is his mistress.)

Life & Style
"Tiger And Elin Fight For The Kids"
This story retells Tiger Woods saga from the point of view of his two kids, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months. The mag writes: "Sam and Charlie may be too young to grasp that at least 14 different women have now accused their father of cheating on their mother..." Lately Charlie's been pretty preoccupied with spitting up on himself and watching Backyardigans, so we can't argue with you there Life & Style. Ivana Trump, who has absolutely nothing to do with the Tiger Woods, tells the mag Elin Nordegren should be thankful that the kids are too young to read or watch scandal coverage. As for Elin, she's determined to divorce Tiger, even though Kultida Woods begged her not to. An insider explains, "Tiger's mom is from the old school, where women didn't leave their husbands over indiscretions and didn't take their children from their home... She tried to speak to Elin about keeping the family together, but Elin wasn't receptive at all." So Elin didn't want to turn a blind eye like a good '50s housewife? Shocking. Next: Us Weekly reported that Mickey Rourke is marrying Elena Kuletskaya in April, but they're not even dating. Were you aware that stars are just like us? Diddy is inappropriately obsessed with Jersey Shore too! He says, "I grew up with Italians when I went to school in the Bronx, so I've always been connected to Guidos. I'm saying the word in a positive sense. They're just cool and family-oriented and hilarious!" Be advised: Brad Pitt has gone 233 days without shaving (image 8). In closing, it seems Dr. Mehmet Oz knows the effect spending the holiday with the fam has on us, so he's shared this servicey little guide to curing holiday hangovers: (Image 9).
Grade: D- (Losing the deed to your platinum mine.)

In Touch
"REVENGE PREGNANCY"
For the 8,000th time this year, Angelina got pregnant to trap Brad in their loveless union. She has a "telltale bump" [of fabric] and sources say she's three months pregnant. This is putting a damper on Brad's plans to leave Angie for Jennifer Aniston. They've been hooking up secretly, yet the mag still figured out the exact time and location of their last rendez-vous: December 9 at 3:30pm on a secluded trail off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills. Jen told a friend it was "like their relationship had never ended," but someone from In Touch writes: "She wouldn't reveal whether she and Brad had a romantic encounter," which is apparently how the mag is referring to sex now. Meanwhile, Angie "will do anything to keep Brad around — and that includes planning a huge celebration for Zahara's 5th birthday on January 8, knowing that he would have to attend." Why else would a mother plan a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter? Also plotting against her man: Britney Spears. She wants Jason Trawick to propose to her for real, not just on the cover of numerous tabloids, so she's been wearing five wedding rings to give him the hint (image 10). In strangely plausible news, In Touch claims that Tiger Woods is still hooking up his mistress Rachel Uchitel (she was on the receiving end of the most romantic of Tiger's dirty texts.) Rachel recently left her New York apartment and headed to Florida. She says she's spending the holidays with relatives, but she's been spotted out and about in the Florida town where Tiger's yacht is docked. A friend says, "They have been sleeping together the entire time since the scandal broke." Check out "Before They Were Famous," a.k.a. stars' original noses (image 11). Also, this may shock you, but Lady Gaga wasn't born wearing a see-through lace body-stocking (image 12). Next: A-Rod has been purposely playing the victim in the press since his breakup with Kate Hudson, and he made sure he was photographed looking glum on the night of the New York premiere of Nine. "His behavior really calls into question how authentic he was in the relationship to begin with," says clinical psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers. Really?! In "Weight Winners and Losers of the Year," we learn that Kelly Clarkson is a "loser" because she's gained weight and "seems more comfortable in her skin now than she was during her midriff-baring days on American Idol." We'll shame you yet, Kelly!
Grade: D (Thinking of all the fellas that you haven't kissed.)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup!"
This is just 10 pages of pre-holiday filler. Without makeup Jessica Simpson "looks like a completely different person," Jennifer Garner "looks like she's neglecting herself," and Kate Gosselin has the "look of exhaustion" all over her face (image 13). We preferred Us's gallery of humiliation, which was presented in one spread without catty commentary. Moving on: Jude Law and Sienna Miller had a pregnancy scare. Jude is such a gentlemen that he allowed Sienna to pee on a stick in his home, but it was a false alarm. A source claims there is a baby on the way for Bruce Willis and his wife Emma Heming. Bruce's rep said he's not aware of a pregnancy, but didn't exactly deny it. FYI: Don't view image 14 if you're eating. Hailey Glassman is dating Celebrity Boxing Federation promoter Damon Feldman, who says, "She's been very friendly. She's very classy." The phrase "Hailey get your pants on!" comes to mind. Obvious Blind item: Which closeted male celeb drew the suspicions of his A-list costar when he was just not that into their love scenes? She'd never met a straight man with no interest in her goods! Kim Kardashian has been looking at engagement rings with Reggie Bush. Her only requirement? That it be bigger that her sister Khloe's nine carat ring. "Khloe beat Kim to the altar, but Kim will beat her with the size of the ring," says a source. Audrina Patridge told her friends that she thinks it's only a matter of time before she gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they just laughed. One of Bret Michaels' hair extensions fell out while he was recording with Miley Cyrus. She saved the grungy lock and may frame it. In other news, Britney Spears called Kevin Federline in tears to canceled a visit with her boys because Jason Trawick demanded that they spend time together. Brit was so upset that she called off their engagement, which she pushed Jason into in the first place. Tiger Woods' "No. 1 mistress" Rachel Uchitel has been telling friends that she's two weeks late. She told Tiger and an insider says it "it scared the hell out of him" because "Rachel being pregnant could actually make his nightmare a whole lot worse." Rachel has been bragging to friends, saying that she sees having a "cub" with Tiger "as her meal ticket." Jennifer Aniston is still trying to adopt a Mexican baby with Brad Pitt's' help, but Star writes, "in the meantime, she's sowing her wild oats all over Hollywood." The mag claims she's dating Sam Rockwell, Josh Groban, and Josh Hopkins of Cougar Town, who Courteney Cox brought to Jen's holiday party. A source says they exchanged numbers so later "Jen picked up the phone and asked Josh to come to her chili cook-off party." Finally, "Jersey Shore Drug Scandal!" In an interview with her local paper, Jenny "J-WOWW" Farley admits the guys on the show are "heavily into steroids... injecting whatever it could be into their system that will make them bigger and better looking." But, it's much worse than we suspected: The kids are also injecting self-tanner. J-WOWW says the girls take human growth hormone and "they inject tanner into their bodies... just like steroids, to get the perfect color skin. I've seen people go far beyond the extremes that were portrayed on the show."
Grade: D+ (There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas.)

1.) Wanda Sykes' Sarah Palin pop-up book

2.) Tyra's "big" holiday give-away show
First of all, she doesn't even give the presents to everyone in the audience, just one audience member per gift. Secondly, she sounds more like she's on the street corner trying to sell us shit that fell off the back of a truck.

3.) These shirts:

4.) Tuna

5.) Same shit, different drunks
I missed the first two episodes of the new season of Bad Girls Club while away on vacation, but I caught the new one that aired this week, and it seems like I didn't miss much.

6.) Extreme Bathrooms
There was actually an hour-long show all about "extreme" bathrooms. I watched the whole thing, because it seemed like a Homer Simpson-y thing to do, but it was basically all like this:

7.) Babs
I don't know if it's all the years on television and all the awards she's received, or the onset of dementia, but it seems like every time she speaks now—about anything—she expects everyone to be fascinated, or at least impressed, with what she's saying.

8.) That's my Mariah!

9.) Mom who grows weed
A woman sold her hair salon and asked her son how she should invest her money, and he bought her a piece of land and turned her into a medical marijuana farmer. She's enjoying it.

10.) Last-minute Christmas gift idea
The Shady Lady brothel has just added male prostitutes to its roster. The madam there is offering coupons.

Since it is both the male and the female's priority to mate, it would appear that casual and transactional intercourse would run rampant among the tribe, but that is not necessarily the case. Aside from the pure pleasure of physical company, the guido takes equal amount of pleasure in complicating the path to consummation. That way when the the mutual desire is finally realized it is even more intense than just laying down with one another after a night of flirting and making out.

The search for a suitable partner is as much like a hunt as it is any other activity, and like hyenas, female lions, and rare Apollonian jellyfish, these young people hunt in packs. Teams of two are the norm, but this puts them at an unfair advantage. When one member of the team is closing in for the kill on a suitable piece of meat both the male flankmate and the female lady in waiting are forced together, even if they don't want to be. This seems like an inefficient strategy, because one member of the pair is always going to less than satisfied.

Why can't they go and find their acceptable mates solo? That would mean that hooking up is a personal and private matter. The point is not only to enjoy the physical pleasure of togetherness, but also to display ones prowess in front of his or her peers. Therefore a hookup doesn't count unless a member of the same sex is there to witness it and ensure that the selected prey is suitable. Without peer approval, there is no conjugation.

Luring a woman back to a man's den usually relies on their wit, charm, appearance, and dancing skill, but getting them into bed requires something a little more technological: the Jacuzzi. It is like a warm brew of seminal fluid—a rooftop aphrodisiac—that melts all the inhibitions of the female and gets them to behave in spectacular ways, often dictated solely by the male. The male guido is insulated from the heat and the jets of this water wizard by his layers of testosterone-induced muscle and is therefore impervious to its powers. To amplify this, he eats the magic formula of champagne and potato chips, a concoction that will slow his digestion to a point that he will be able to metabolize the strange pheromones of the hot tub efficiently. Women know that as soon as they get in the Jacuzzi that they will make out with just about anything, including each other, so they resist its pull, but once they get there, they are as easily molded as a jar full of orange Play-Doh.

Eventually, the mind-altering affects of the Jacuzzi wear off and the men have to put their genies back in their bottles waiting for the next time they can get a little rub. With all this frustration it's amazing couples are formed, and when they do, the complications are just as difficult and numerous. Let us take a closer look at both the hunt and the kill, but first, we need to learn some simple terms so that we can understand the natives in their own language.

• Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
• My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
• Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
• Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
• Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
• Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
• Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
• "Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
• House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
• Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
• Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
• The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
• Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.

"We're Going Home": The problem with needing a "bro" to witness one's hook up is that he is also witness to humiliation. While it is perfectly acceptable to look for a condom and have sex with a girl in front of a friend and her friend, it is not OK to let the girls leave without giving up their delicate ladyflowers.

That is the problem with plying your dates with the magical powers of the Jacuzzi. Once the fumes wear off, the girls are a little muddled and make up stupid excuses to leave immediately, and when one goes, she will drag the other with her. Then both boys know that neither hooked up and are then deemed less virile by their cohorts. It is a sad, sad state of affairs, and one that The Situation and DJ Paulie Disgrace fall into with two girls who they take home.

Also, ladies, the period is a great excuse to keep your virtue intact after bathing in the psychotropic waters of the Jacuzzi. Like "puke breath" and most other bodily functions, the guidos are deathly afraid of menstrual blood. Using Aunt Flo as an excuse will not get them off you of your good, it will keep them from trying to put their pierced penis into your delicate parts.

While these girls go home to avoid being taken advantage of, Snooki gets so drunk that she can't even find her home. That means she has no excuse not to hook up with a man she is not attracted to. Since she can't get back to the house, they decide to sleep on the beach, which would be romantic if it weren't for all that sand and being awoken by a trash trailer combing the sand at dawn. Nothing says classy like getting so wasted you don't remember your address.

The Grenade: A "grenade" is an ugly girl who has partnered with an attractive girl for a group hunt. While one of the males gets with the attractive girl, the other has to fall on "the grenade" and absorb the impact so that his friend can claim a victory with his girl. As Pat Benatar said, love most certainly is a battlefield.

This is the situation that DJ Paulie Discharge finds himself in when The Situation fis in a situation with a girl and her nasty friend. These two ladies are certainly a handful. After leaving club Karma with them, The Sitch and DJPD ditch the pair for another set of girls in a Mercedes, because they were cuter. However, those girls were "wasting time" and "fucking around" and wouldn't get down to "business." When the first set of girls come back, The Situation and DJ Paulie Doubleface quickly ditch the girls they're with for the original pair.

Along with The Situation's brunette beauty comes her mean blond friend, and that is a problem. This sour puss is such a cruel sort that she ruins the night, not only for DJ Paulie Doubledate, but also for The Situation. Her friend is more than willing to get get down to "business," but she doesn't want to be left alone, and she is so ugly and busted that DJ Paulie is Dunzo. Once she feels neglected, she makes her friend leave with her. The Situation's situation looks bleak. Is he ever going to score? Maybe not until he separates from the group.

Beating up the Beat: As we learned before, dancing for the guido is not just a substitute for sex, but a prelude to it, even in its more violent form of "battling." It always gets ShamWOWW into trouble.

After her boyfriend hung up on her for touching DJ Paulie's D and ended their relationship, she has been trying to get back together with him. This has not stopped her from flirting or hooking up with anyone else, but she needs to feel claimed at all times. Without a boyfriend to betray, she won't feel the the guilt, shame, and excitement that comes with cheating on him, and that is what really gets her off. But in order to keep him, she must continue to deceive him (and herself) that her she has been faithful.

This is difficult when he sends a spy. This agent is a very clever interloper who not only observes his target, but even picks up Sneaky so he can break into the group's inner circle. Once with Snickers, he watches ShamWOWW grind and battle on different men and reports back to her boyfriend. This makes him hang up on her again, possibly ending their relationship again. She is going to try to get him back, but the drama that accompanies her relationship limbo is fuel to her. It allows her unfettered access to other men and will also create more drama when and if she reconnects with her boyfriend. It is the ideal situation for the conflict vampire.

Snooki is also an accomplished dancer, but instead of being subtle, she prefers a more advertorial approach. She does flips and spins in a very short skirt and a thong, showing of the very part of the anatomy that the men in the crowd are looking to invade. It is a brazen approach, but one with proven results. The difficulty is that it only seems to attract chubby men who know more about jiggle than "juice." However, Snooki seems willing to make out with just about anyone, so she doesn't mind too much.

Fireworks: While complications do arise, often a couple is made, like Sammi So-So and Ronnie. Like a hot sword is plunged into water to cure it and make it solid, so must a new union be drowned in conflict.

Sammi is a Helen of Troy type who needs to have men fight over her. That is why at Bamboo she flirts with Mike the Cop. If Ronnie really takes her seriously, he will fight for her and get upset with her. She counters his anger by being pissed that he left with ShamWOWW. Everyone knows what a slut ShamWOWW is and going anywhere with her unaccompanied could lead to relations at any moment. However, Ronnie resisted the temptation. Once she has proven that he will fight for her and he will not be tempted by obvious skanks, Sammi must go through a period of dejection to test how he will handle her in dark times. When he sticks by her and still thinks she is special ("Oh, Ronnie?!"), he has finished the seven labors of Hercules and can now muscle his way into her Mount Olympus.

This is treacherous path that a guido must walk to love. It is full of deceit, manipulation, and trial, but it is worth it, because once he reaches the promised land, his lady love is not afraid of having sex. Other reality show girls will hide behind the covers and demure from having intercourse, but Sammi So-So is not afraid to tell the whole world she did it. Not only is she unashamed, but she celebrates it. Congratulations, Ronnie, you are the first man to "take care of business" in the house.

The Punch: Yes, this was the episode that was supposed to include the Snooki punch heard round the world. The most shocking thing about this scene was not the absence of the punch, but the presence of Vinny, a young man with very manicured eyebrows who supposedly lives in the house with everyone else. Up until this point we thought he was Laslo, the mad scientist that reportedly lives in Val Kilmer's closet in Real Genius who we never see, but comes through in the clutch.

In this case the clutch is when Snooki gets punched by a drunk asshole at a bar over an altercation concerning some shots. We have all seen this punch in promos and on countless animated gifs circling the internet, but MTV chose not to air it, instead cutting to a black screen for the impact and then showing the immediate aftermath and the man getting arrested.

Watching this scene is sort of like tonguing an empty socket after a wisdom tooth has been removed. We know what was there before and what should be there, but instead we just get some vast emptiness that is a little bit dry and foreign and just seems altogether wrong. And for MTV to pull the clip now is kind of hypocritical. They're basically saying that it was wrong to market the show with the clip in the first place. Instead of showing the punch and trying to show just how horrible and vicious violence is and the immediate negative effects it has on both parties involved, we get darkness. Now that the network fooled everyone into watch, they decide not to show it. It's kind of like a girl who will show you her tits at the bar but won't put out when you take her home. Either go tawdry all the way or don't go tawdry at all.

In guido culture though, a man hitting a girl seems to be the ultimate offense, and every man in the bar piles on the offender to get their own punches in. Even ShamWOWW, who hasn't ever met a man she couldn't eviscerate, joins in the fray.

So, the punch has come and gone, but we have yet to see how Snooki is going to be the next day. We hope that her poof hasn't been deflated at all!

Native Tongue:

Ronnie: "I'm going to get at her so bad. I'm going to eat her alive, bro."

Sammi: "It's like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can't even deal with each other."

Sammi: "You think this is a game? This is no game, Ronnie."

The Situation: "A bra is the same as a bathing suit."

The Situation: "We're going to have sex. That's the situation."

The Situation: "I'm like, 'Chill out, Freckles McGee.'"

JWOWW: "I could have been like peace, fuck you, I'm gonna go do me."

The Situation:"If you're not hitting the gym for an hour or so, then you'll have a problem, because I'm at the gym for an hour and a half. I'm working on my fitness."

Ronnie: Mike [The Situation] would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point."

Snooki: "The friggin' duck phone."

JWOWW: "This little shrimp thing is bopping around in a circle."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to waste my time and take home a girl who just wants to hang out. I just want to get down to the business. You line it up, then you move on."

The Situation: "They were nice and all, I just wanted to fool around."

DJ Paulie D: "Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There are rules to it. Boys take care of boys."

Mean Blond Girl: "This is a sick hot tub, if it was hot. It's a sick tub."

JWOWW: "Just because you see our faces close doesn't mean we're fucking around with each other."

Snooki's Mom: "It's a little dirty."
Snooki: "It's the Jersey Shore."

The web has come alive with Best Film of the Decade lists. Unlike Best of the Year lists, where the same dozen or so films appear again and again, Best of the Decades are where a list-making critic can really take wings and fly, revealing their inner soul through their choices. Are you a Lost in Translation type or a Memento -ite? The choice says everything, and nothing, about the list makers.

So what we've done is added up all the Best lists we could find online — from the New Yorker to spitefulcritic.com; anywhere where people had made a list. We gave each film a point for every inclusion on every top ten list. Some lists made it a bit difficult, doing say an unordered top 15's, but we've included as much as we can to try and get an accurate count.

Also in the case of multi-film series, such as Lord of the Rings or the Bourne films, some critics placed the entire series on the list, some cast their votes for the individual films.

And when the votes were all in, by a nose, There Will Be Blood stood alone at the top of the decade, its straw in the whole damn cinema's milkshake.

Some other interesting findings:

• Really this has to be considered a huge moral victory for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Barely noticed by Oscar, relatively little discussed so many years later, the Gondry/Charlie Kaufman film came just one vote away from taking the entire decade.
• When one looks at how spread out the voting is, one can't help but see how few consensus masterpieces there were in this decade. A mere 11 films get more than 5 votes.
• Perhaps the most discussed filmmaker of the decade, Michael Moore, barely registers, getting just two votes for Farenheit 9/11 and one for Bowling for Columbine.
• Many of the decades other high profile auteurs also barely crack the list: No Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino gets higher than the four vote level. Judd Apatow and Alexander Payne fail to rise above three votes. Clint Eastwood and David Cronenberg above two. Steven Speilberg bizarrely scores a high ranking in the voting only because of Catch Me If You Can, which inexplicably received six votes for a highly forgettable film. Other than that, no Speilberg film received more than a single vote.
• The highest grossing series of the decade, the Harry Potter films, gets body-slammed by the listmakers with just one vote.
• If the Pixar movies had been one series, it would have won the decade. Easily.
• Foreign films predictably are largely ignored by the listmakers. Brazil's City of God is the highest ranking with six votes.
• This was a rough decade for comedy, with very few films seemingly entering the canon. The highest ranking and thereby best comedies of the decade are 40 Year Old Virgin and Anchorman, each of which scored three votes.

Overall certainly no one could say that masterpieces were pouring out of every crevice during the zeroes. But looking at the list overall, one can feel mildly content that there were in fact a pretty large number of pretty decent films over the last ten years. We can close the door on a decade of tumult saying in the cinema front at least, if not in the peace and economic stability front, the 00's can go home feeling content about a job well done.

Below is the tally of votes, in order of their place of finish:

12 Votes
There Will Be Blood

11 Votes
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Lord of the Rings films,

10 Votes
No Country For Old Men

8 Votes
Memento

7 Votes
Brokeback Mountain, The Dark Knight,

6 Votes
Almost Famous, Catch Me If You Can, Pan's Labyrinth, Wall-E

5 Votes
City of God, The Departed, The Incredibles

4 Votes
Cache, Gladiator, Kill Bill,The Lives of Others, Lost in Translation, Royal Tennenbaums

3 Votes
The 40 Year Old Virgin, Amelie, Anchorman, The Bourne Series, Finding Nemo, Mullholland Drive, Sideways, Slumdog Millionaire, The White Ribbon, You Can Count on Me

2 Votes
25th Hour, Adaptation, Amores Perros, Borat , Capturing the Friedmans
Casino Royale, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Fahernheit 9/11, Far From Heaven, A History of Violence, Inglorious Basterds, Mystic River, The New World, O Brother Where Art Thou, The Son, Spirited Away, Team America, Together, Werckmeister Harmonies, What Time is it there?, The Wrestler

1 Vote
2046,300, AI, American Splendor,The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford ,The Baader Meinhoff Complex, Bad Education, Battle in Heaven, The Beat that My Heart Skipped, Before Sunset, Best of Youth, Beau Travail, Bloody Sunday, Bowling for Columbine, La Commune, Crash ,Dead Man's Shoes, The Descent, Divine Intervention, Donnie Darko, Downfall, The Fog of War, The Fountain, Four Months, Three Weeks and Two Days, Funny People, Grizzly Man, The Harry Potter series, Hunger, Hustle and Flow, Inland Empire, Into the Wild, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Knocked Up, Last King of Scotland, Let the Right One In, Letters From Iwo Jima, The Life Aquatic, Little Miss Sunshine, Master and Commander, Metallica, Some Kind of Monster, Million Dollar Baby, Millions, Monster, Monsters Ball, Moulin Rouge, Ocean's Eleven, The Passion of the Christ,The Pianist,Ratatouille, Red Road, Requiem for a Dream, Superbad, Talk to Her, Time of the Wolf, Transformers, Traffic, United 93, The Queen, Wet Hot American Summer, Y Tu Mama Tambien ,Zatoichi, Zodiac

The Source Lists:
Drew Mcgary, NBC Bay Area, Paste Magazine, The Times of London, The Onion AV Club, Popdose, Hollywood Reporter, Houstonian, Entertainment Weekly, Total Film Editor in Chief, Total Film Readers, L Magazine, Jonathan Fuhrman: Mediaite, Global Comment, Rolling Stone, IDS News, Zero For Conduct, TV Guide, True Slant, IMDB top rated, Stylus Magazine, The Telegraph, Orlando Sentinel, Moviefone, David Denby: The New Yorker, Reel Loop, richardrushfield.com, Spiteful Critic,

Uh oh, Pepper looks pissed. And Tony looks alone. What happened to all his friends?

Garry Shandling makes his big debut as Senator Stern, so Tony mocks him, naturally.

See Tony is alone. Empty chairs. Empty soul. It's lonely at the top.

But wait, it's Rhodey, he's back...and he looks pissed. And who's that to Rhodey's left? It's Sam Rockwell, as Justin Hammer. Did they walk in together? And where did Pepper go? Where's Happy?

Same sexual chemistry between Pepper and Tony, check. But then again I think RDJ is so charming he could have chemistry with a lamp post... lucky lamp post.

Iron Man is America, and a rock star. And look in the background — it's the Iron Man dancers, thus proving the slutty Halloween rule to be true: any outfit can be made whorish.

These gloves could very well be the best little party favors ever. Please hand these out at Comic Con!

Whiplash is obsessed. See? See? He has newspaper clippings. And newspaper clipping are to stalkers what glasses are to shy mousy girls with a hot girl dying to get out inside: stereotypical. But let's assume that since he's spent so much time cataloguing the family story, that this grudge may go way, way back. Since he's had time to make a scrap book.

Who hit Tony?

The garage is all cleaned up and stocked with new rich guy toys. Bruce Wayne who?

What is happening to Tony's neck?

Yikes it's spreading. Tony is literally turning into an Iron Man. Also, he could be turning into a human computer, which has happened in the Iron Man comics before.

More Justin Hammer, and in perfect timing with Whiplash's "shark" comment.

Nick Fury just wants to get motherfucking Tony onto the motherfucking team.

More Iron Man-ettes. I suspect this may be a banner year for the cosplay fans.

Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff in her Black Widow "business casual" attire.

War Machine prototype!

Is the Black Widow working for Rhodey? Is that her in the background?

Black Widow in her ass kicking attire, is she beating up Happy? I bet Jon Favreau just loved that.

Whiplash finally shows us what his lightsaber whips can do — which is break Tony's car.

Which he does.

I'm still not sold on the Whiplash outfit, but it does look pretty bad ass from behind.

Uh oh — will Tony be Whiplashed in half, or will the bad guy just show off some more? Answer: Show off.

Whiplash has nasty metal mouth.

What is this flying contraption? It looks like it's shooting at Iron Man? Multiple Mecha suits?

A first look at War Machine, and Tony's new suit, with a triangle chest plate. Is this due to the metal veins? Also the background is filled with power suits, almost like an Armor War...

War Machine and Tony fight other mechas and you get a faceful of War Machines shoulder gun, and Tony's fully reconstructed suit, Mark VI. Very nice. So who thinks they are filming the Armor Wars story?

A Real Life Jersey Shore Protest [FourFour]

Related: New 'Nine' Trailer: Anyone Rooting For A Kate Hudson Comeback? [EW]

Ok!
Kendra was pregnant, and now she's given birth. Margaret says, "her baby is pretty cute, but I still don't care." The mag asks her how she'll lose the 55 lbs. she put on during the pregnancy, and she says she'll do martial arts, swimming and squats. "It's time to get my butt back into shape." Whatever. Also inside: A source says since things got serious between Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan in November, she's telling friends that she wants to have his children. Billy is "very caught up in Jessica's mystique" and believes it's a relationship worth pursuing. Lastly: Lindsay Lohan was asked about the Gucci model she's supposedly dating, and proclaimed: "it's lame b.s."
Grade: F (flight cancelled)

In Touch
"Melissa Says 'I Do.'"
If you have the devotion required to read this eight-page article about the wedding of former The Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft, we salute you. Because we could only glance at all of the mind-numbing details. We do know that at the end of the ceremony, the bride and groom walked away from the altar to an instrumental version of the Monday Night Football theme song. Moving on: Madonna bought a $10 million 30-acre farm in the Hamptons. Jessica Simpson's "dangerous" new romance with Billy Corgan is covered thusly: "Jessica Simpson has always been a bit misguided when it comes to love. So when she was spotted walking out of the Ritz-Carlton in New York on December 4 with 42-year-old Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan, the world responded with a bemused 'WTF?'" An insider says they are not exclusive. They seem to have little in common, but they're both religious. Billy's "friend" tells the magazine that he's using the relationship to promote his new album. His ex-girlfriend, Tila Tequila, says: "I think Jessica Simpson is a waste of space. She can't even put two and two together. She doesn't show any female empowerment. She gets screwed over by her ex-boyfriends because she is all clingy. She should stop being so weak and stand up for yourself." In an interview, Tiger Woods' high school girlfriend says he broke her heart by dumping her via letter and writing that his parents were making him concentrate on his career. Next: A story called "Angelina's Desperate To Keep Brad" uses happy pictures from the Unicef Snowflake ball to illustrate how Angie is possessively clutching at Brad (see image 7). So a picture of her playfully grabbing his jacket becomes "she is trying to hold on to him for dear life." Angie wanted everyone to see how happy they were, but, according to the mag, "onlookers saw right through the Oscar-winning actress's transparent performance." Brad is smiling in every picture, yet the mag claims "Brad seemed visibly annoyed" by her "over-the-top antics." Body language expert Dr. Lillian Glass says: "His sad, non-smiling eyes and lack of a genuine smile also indicate his unhappiness." Brad took pictures with George Clooney and Matt Damon, and Angelina jumped into some of the pix, so the mag claims: "Brad wanted photos of him and his boys together. But Angelina insisted on inserting herself into them. It was obvious she was seeking attention." The lesson here is that Brad should learn to smize and Angelina should be a wallflower. Next, Gia, who's mom is Teresa from RHONJ, has a two-page spread of her closet (like mom did) and as for Jacqueline from RHONJ, "her son can rock any look." (See images 8 and 9.) Hey! Look who was quoted regarding that Sex And The City Photoshop Of Horrors on page 58! (See image 10)
Grade: D-, downgraded to F for irrelvant cover (flight delayed 6 hours)

Life & Style
"Baby Joy!"
An insider claims that Angelina decided, about four months ago, that she wanted to get pregnant again. "She basically told Brad that if it happens, it happens, and she wasn't going to concern herself with birth control. Angie's most at peace when a baby's coming." Nowhere does it say that she's actually pregnant, even though the cover claims "baby no. 7 is on its way." So "on its way" must mean "twinkle in the eye." Don't be fooled: the other two baby "exclusives" are old quotes from Kendra and Kourtney and no photos of their newborns. Moving on: Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie says that at night when the kids are in bed, Kate is lonely. "That's when she calls and we chat. It gets lonely when you're the only adult." Oh, and Kate hasn't had sex in a year. Oh, and here's a picture of Jon eating Panda Express alone in a mall somewhere, which is sad and also HILARIOUS. Next, we present image 11 WITHOUT COMMENT. Famed fling Jamie Jungers spoke to the mag and says Tiger Woods is '"well endowed — above average. I would rate him an 8 out of 10 in bed. He used to call me 'Jamie Juices' or 'my little coffee cup.' We never used protection. We just got caught up in the moment. We didn't discuss it." FYI: Billy Corgan calls himself a "wrestlemaniac." Ooh, the mag casts the movie of Tiger Woods' life, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Lindsay Lohan, Reese Witherspoon and more! (see image 12). You know how they're filming Sex And The City in Morocco? Well John Corbett was there. Spoiler! Aidan's back. Apparently European tabloids are reporting that George Clooney's gf, Elisabetta Canalis, was "getting cozy" with Dutch soccer star Clarence Seedorf over Thanksgiving weekend, but Cloons and the Italian chick are "solid as ever." Finally: "Mother-Daughter Plastic Surgery Brought Us Closer" is about Lynne Curtin from RHOOC getting a facelift on the same day that her daughter got a nose job. Lynne says "it was a total mother-daughter experience."
Grade: D- (flight delayed 2 hours)

Us
"Split! Why Reese Left Him"
Basically Reese and Jake had a "civil and measured" breakup. She felt pressured to wed again, but she wasn't ready, says a source: "She decided to walk away rather than walk down the aisle." The breakup transpired "over a series of phone calls." She couldn't commit, and even last year, she told Parade: "I'm not far enough out of being married to do it again." Also, when she was giving all of her energy to Jake, she felt like she wasn't giving her kids enough. She's "a Sunday-school teaching, take-charge personality" who "wants things the way she wants them"; while Jake is "really laid back." Moving on: A picture of Lindsay Lohan in India, holding a child! (See image 13.) Rihanna has a new tattoo on her chest, which says: "Never a failure, always a lesson" backwards, so she can see it in the mirror. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planing a "hush-hush" wedding in Spain before the new year; the bride will wear Balenciaga. Finally: A "source" says of the Jessica Simpson/Billy Corgan relationship: "She likes weirdos and anybody who's a 'real' musician. He's smart and intense, so she likes that. But they have practically nothing in common."
Grade: D- (flight delayed one hour)

Star
"Tiger & Jessica: The Shocking Inside Story."
Jessica Simpson attended a golf event with Tony Romo on July 1, so she met Tiger Woods. A "friend" says she'd actually met Tiger before, and thought he was really sexy. She was excited to see him again and "packed a bunch of slinky outfits so he'd notice her." Tiger liked what he saw and they were "touchy feely" and flirty! Jessica asked Tiger, "coyly," if he was available for private golf lessons and he slipped her his cell phone number. And she gave him her number. And what happened next was NOTHING. She's a good girl whose daddy was a preacher and would never date a married man, etc. etc. etc. But: She has a framed photo of her and Tiger (and Tony) in her bedroom. Moving on: Angelina smiled at Brad at the Unicef party and the smile "was the same one she'd given him" when she was pregnant before. So clearly she is pregnant now. A family insider says: "Angie hasn't been this happy in months." She's constantly laughing and chatty and "this is exactly like she was when she was pregnant with Shiloh and the twins." The insider adds: "She's got her pregnancy personality back." Brad Pitt walked her to the ladies room, and waited outside for her — and when they sat together, he stroked her hair. So: Pregnant. Leading body language expert Patti Wood says: "We rarely see photos of Angelina smiling like this. When you are joyful, your facial muscles go up, indicating a state of euphoria — which is exactly how she could feel if she's expecting again." Um, did she just explain what a SMILE is?!?! Recently, Star reported that the coupe had the fight to end all fights. But NOW Brad seems committed to being by Angie's side. Because you can leave six kids, but you can't leave seven. Next: Taylor Momsen was fired from Gossip Girl because they were sick of her late nights and unprofessional behavior. But she is telling people she is leaving for other acting gigs, and music. Her rep says she is NOT fired, but we'll see. Is Robert Pattinson the new James Dean? (see image 14) Rihanna called a friend and said she had a "sexy secret." She said: "Don't trip, but I hooked up with Justin." It was "good — hot and wild" and they had some of the best makeout sessions she's ever experienced. Justin's been calling her nonstop, but Rihanna says it's just for fun. "She's only out for the physical with him," says a source. "And she got it." HOT. Blind item! "Which fading reality starlet recently pulled a Britney? She shaved her head and was involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital in early December, but cameras missed the whole thing." Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were walking in NYC and it was really cold, and she asked if she could borrow his coat, and he was like, "No way, I'm freezing too." At the Gossip Girl Christmas party, Kelly Rutherford, 41, lured 24-year-old Chace Crawford away from doing Don Julio tequila shots with Ed Westwick and went into "full-on cougar mode." "They were getting kind of saucy." Lastly: A male model and aspiring rapper named Michael Girgenti, whose stage name is Primo Stallone, claims that he is the father of Kourtney Kardashian's baby. He also says he has "private kinky pictures" of himself and Kourtney, and when asked if there was a possibility that he had fathered Kourtney's baby, Michael said: "You could say that. Yeah." Apparently Kourtney didn't even know who the father was but her mom, Kris, told her to say publicly that it was her ex, Scott Disick.
Grade: D (turbulent flight)

15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Amy is from Oakland via Texas and a "permalancer" for Old Navy. She likes Lady Gaga and would love to dress Leigh Lezark.

Anna is originally from Wisconsin, loves Carla Bruni and worships at the altars of Marc Jacobs, Lanvin and Band of Outsiders.

Anthony hails from Birmingham, Alabama and loves glamour and color.

Ben made dresses that were inspired by different kinds of snakes and would love to design for Rihanna. Keep your eye on this one!

Christiane's originally from Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, and makes simple dresses using vivid colors. She might go far in this competition.

Emilio's hometown is Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. He has a background in costume design.

Janeane Marie lives in Portland and is inspired by "earth science and space."

Jay is a visual merchandiser and stylist for the Gap — in the kids' division. He did a really cute happy dance in the casting session when Tim Gunn liked his stuff.

Jesse is from Ohio but lives in Orlando, FL and is an actor as well as a designer. He made a bright blue tulle party dress that no one liked but still made it on the show.

Jesus is originally from Mazatlan, Sinaloa, Mexico. He used to dress up Barbies and used his mom as his model in the casting session. He says he adds "a little touch of grandiosity" to everything.

Jonathan's dream client is Meryl Streep and he loves Galliano. He made shorts with a hideous appliqué on the crotch and was picked anyway.

Maya is 22 and created a collection called Fashism, which is super avant garde. Crazy shapes and orb-like purses with spikes. One to watch!

Mila is inspired by artists Mondiran and Calder; she's into color blocking and loves Halle Berry and Cate Blanchett. She, Emilio and Pamela are the forty-somethings in a show with mostly 20 and 30 somethings.

Pamela's favorite designer is "God." Her dresses are pretty, soft and beautifully constructed, and Tim Gunn thinks "she's on the cusp of something big."

Ping works as a design intern, assistant stylist, model, interpreter, reporter and freelance writer (!!!). She loves "everything asymmetrical." She is a little wacky, and so are her clothes. She's going to be fun to watch.

Last, but not least: Seth Aaron lives in Vancouver but is originally from San Diego and does tough, rocker jackets. He's got 2 kids, a lizard and a dog. His favorite color is black and he fears "getting fat."

So you heard it here first: Keep a fashion eye on Ben, Christiane, Maya and Ping… And be prepared to be entertained by Anthony, Jesus and Jay.

There are photos, casting videos and at-home videos on the site, but be warned: Lifetime's website is THE WORST. It still SUCKS, just like it did last season, and you'll have to sit through those damn "the touch the feel of cotton" commercials over and over if you want to see anything good. It's like they want to drive people away.

The good news is, Season 7 taped over the summer in New York, where it belongs. So I'm looking forward to it!

Project Runway Designers [MyLifetime.com]
Project Runway Season 7 Cast Revealed! [Blogging Project Runway]

This is disturbing on at least seven levels.

1. Inherently disturbing: A nine-year-old is performing "Smack That." Alongside these lyrics:

Smack that, all on the floor
Smack that, give me some more
Smack that, till you get sore
Smack that, oh ooh

She "smacks" her buttocks, thrusts her hips, and shimmies her shoulders.
2. A crowd of young adults is cheering her on.
3. ...one of whom is her older sister, who may have suggested the song (0:30)
4. Given Miley's experience with sexualized-young-people controversy, does this sisterly interaction have a whiff of "victim working out her angst by victimizing others"?
5. Noah's outfit looks suspiciously like a Minnie Mouse dress. Since the Cyrus family juggernaut is a Disney creation, this is extra creepy.
6. This version of the video bears the logo of mileyworld.com, Miley Cyrus' official fan site, meaning there is a chance that the Cyrus family and/or their starmakers want Noah to be perceived this way.
7. Noah has been in absurd situations like this before and is a child actress, recording artist, and inheritor to a formidable family mantel. Is it even possible to save this child from the farcically oversexed wilderness of... Disney? Hollywood? America at large?

Dargis' "fuck them" - the first of several - refers specifically to a fact she highlighted in her piece this weekend on the lack of progress in Hollywood films for and about women: Two major studios, Paramount Pictures and Warner Brothers Pictures, didn't release a single movie directed by a female, even in a year of renewed prominence for women in film. One bright spot: The Hurt Locker by Kathryn Bigelow (pictured above) is sweeping the early critics' awards: in the past two days alone she and her film have gotten top accolades from the Los Angeles Film Critics Association, the Boston Society of Film Critics, the American Film Institute, The New York Film Critics Online, and the Alliance of Women Film Journalists.

In a wide-ranging conversation this morning on women in Hollywood, Dargis, who has been a chief New York Times film critic (a title she shares with A.O. Scott) since 2004, had similarly strong words for Hollywood conventional wisdom and the studio system overall. "My tendency is not to talk in sweeping terms, but one thing I can say in sweeping terms is that there's a lot of sexism in the industry," she says. Here are some of the other highlights from the conversation.

On why women in Hollywood aren't faring any better: This business is really about clubby relationships. If you buy Variety or go online and look at the deals, you see one guy after another smiling in a baseball cap. It's all guys making deals with other guys. I had a female studio chief a couple of years ago tell me point blank that she wasn't hiring a woman to do an action movie because women are good at certain things and not others. If you have women buying that bullshit how can we expect men to be better?

On working within the system: For me the most sobering thing of the last ten years is that there really was a point where four of the studios were run by women… and you would have thought that would lead to an uptick of women directors. I'm not saying I've done a systematic analysis, but it doesn't look like it changed very much… Working within the system has not worked. It has not helped women filmmakers or, even more important, you and me, women audiences, to have women in the studio system. … I think the studio system as it exists now is a no-win situation for women filmmakers.

On director Kathryn Bigelow's success (achieved in part by getting funding outside of Hollywood, detailed in Dargis's June profile of her): Something like a woman winning best director for directing an action movie and not a romantic comedy is symbolically important. Whether it then leads to a lot of women doing things outside of the pathetic comfort zone of romantic comedy – and I say that as someone who loves romantic comedy – we'll see. We know that because women are allowed to make romantic comedies that they can make romantic comedies. That's in everyone's comfort zone. The idea that a woman can be a great action director is not is everyone's comfort zone. That's [Bigelow's] exceptionalism.

On Bigelow's chances for Oscar or future commercial success: The only thing Hollywood is interested in money, and after that prestige. That's why they'll be interested in something like The Hurt Locker. She's done so well critically that she can't be ignored.

Let's acknowledge that the Oscars are bullshit and we hate them. But they are important commercially... I've learned to never underestimate the academy's bad taste. Crash as best picture? What the fuck.

On male and female directors being held to different standards, as Dargis suggested in comparing Bigelow and Michael Mann in her piece: Do you think that a woman would have been able to get forty million dollars to make a puppet movie the way that Wes Anderson has been able to make, bringing to bear all the publicity and advertising budget of Fox? After two movies that didn't make a lot of money? I think this is true for a lot of black filmmakers too – they're held to a higher standard. And an unfair standard. You can be a male filmmaker and if you're perceived as a genius – a boy genius or a fully-formed adult genius – that you are allowed to fail in a way that a woman is not allowed to fail.

On whether there's an essential difference between male-made and female-made movies: Flaubert wrote Madame Bovary. That's all we need to say about that. But I do think as 51 percent of the population we should be given a chance… It's very boring to watch the same people coming from a certain kind of background make the same kinds of movies.

On Nancy Meyers and Nora Ephron: I personally don't think either of them is a good filmmaker — they make movies for me that are more emotionally satisfying but with barely any aesthetic value at all. I really like Something's Gotta Give, but I don't think it's a good movie…. I'm of two minds. Sometimes I think what women should do what various black and gay audiences have done, which is support women making movies for women. So does that mean I have to go support Nora Ephron? Fuck no. That's just like, blech.

On Sandra Bullock, whom she recently wrote should use her production company to "start giving female filmmakers a chance to do something other than dopey romances": Use your power for good, Sandy!

On why so many romantic comedies are so terrible: One, the people making them have no fucking taste, two, they're morons, three they're insulting panderers who think they're making movies for the great unwashed and that's what they want. I love romantic movies. I absolutely do. But I literally don't know what's happening. I think it's depressing that Judd Apatow makes the best romantic comedies and they're about men. All power to Apatow, but he's taken and repurposed one of the few genres historically made for women. ….We had so few [genres] that were made specifically for the female audience and now the best of them are being made by Judd Apatow. But what are his movies supposed to be about? Nominally about the relationship between a man and a woman, but they're really buddy flicks. Funny People was supposed to have an important role for a woman, but she was uninteresting and an afterthought.

On representations of women onscreen: There's a reason that women go to movies like Mamma Mia. It's a terrible movie… but women are starved for representation of themselves. I go back to Spike Lee and She's Gotta Have It. I remember going to see it at the Quad in New York, surrounded by a black audience. People are starved for representations of themselves.

On women being taken seriously as moviegoers: It's a vicious cycle. We're not going to movies because there aren't movies for us. Therefore we're not seen as a loyal moviegoing audience. My point is that if there are stories about women, women will come out for that…

That's why [women] go to a movie like The Devil Wears Prada and make huge hits. They want to see women in movies. People in the trade press constantly frame that as a surprise. This, gee whiz, Sex and the City's a hit, Twilight, hmm, wonder what's going on here. Maybe they should not be so surprised. In the trade press, women audiences are considered a niche. How is that even possible? We're 51 percent of the audience.

On this quote from a box office analyst for Hollywood.com, in The Washington Post: Fuck him. What an asshole. Yes, that's what I want! That's exactly what I want. If Angelina Jolie had been cast in a movie as a good as The Bourne Identity with a filmmaker like Paul Greengrass, I would have gone out to see it, and I'm sure I wouldn't be alone. That is absurd. That's blaming female audiences – you get what you deserve? Is that what he's saying?

On being a female critic reviewing and featuring women's films: I wanted to get [Bigelow] on the cover of 'Arts and Leisure'. I wanted this fantastic woman director to get her face on the front of the New York Times…[But] I am an equal opportunity critic. I will pan women as hard as men. I've had testy people imply that I should go easier on women's movies. I find that incredibly insulting. Are you kidding me? I don't want to be graded on a curve. None of us want to be a good woman writer.

I don't want to be the woman critic. I don't want to be the feminist critic. I don't want to be the shrew. What I want to do is talk about the art that I love and point out, every so often, inequities….It's a weird balancing act and I'm not saying there aren't contradictions.

On whether the prominence of women-directed films in 2009 will change anything, even if they're not statistically significant compared to other years: It's pretty shitty right now. Anything positive can only help a little bit. How's that for optimism?

Women In The Seats But Not Behind The Camera [New York Times]
Kathryn Bigelow Makes Movies That Go For The Gut [New York Times]
Now Starring At The Movies: Famous Dead Women [New York Times]
With Strong Female Characters, Hollywood Suffers From a Fear Of Failure [The Washington Post]

Related: Double X Films [The Atlantic]

Earlier: Things Are Not Getting Better For Women In Hollywood

How'd they pass?

1. They stonewalled the photographer.
2. They playfully dignified the photographer.
3. They gave the photographer an incredible quote.
4. They gave the photographer an incredible scene of drunken jackassery.
5. They left the photographer in an Escalde with tinted windows.
6. They kept the interaction under two minutes.

These six elements are essential to a perfect TMZ interaction. The Jersey Shore kids are bona fide celebrities. This is no joke, folks.

Presenting 'Jersey Shore' Yutzes Up Hollywood, Dir. Harvey Levin.

[Ed. Since the TMZ embed isn't working—or Supernatural Forces of Snookie are just breaking everything in the universe everywhere, right now—you're just going to have to either (A) use your imagination or (B) actually go to their site to watch it. Apologies.]

00:16: Snookie getting punched is astutely rendered an "unfortunate incident" by Donatello—the one with the bowstaff—who smiles while he says this.

00:24: Snookie finds herself dealing with an unfortunate bout of SnookieNoodle, wherein both gravity and the rapture of the universe catch up to her, knock her over, and send her "noodling" to the ground.

00:35: The cast of Jersey Shore are asked by their intrepid, Tavis Smiley-esque TMZ interviewer to address the situation with UNICO.

00:36: "What's UNICO?" He was probably confusing them with ATTICA.

00:39: Snookie, who may or may not be aware of UNICO's work to further the cause of Italian-Americans (though, really, she's probably confusing them with UNIQLO) offers her nuanced political dissent for the group: "Fuck UNICO!"

00:41: The TMZ cameraman impressive attempts to spout off UNICO's credentials: "It's the largest Italian-Amer...." He decides to go another route.

00:45: He tries a different route: "What do you think of the whole defamation thing?" but gets stonewalled.

00:48: BroHugs.

00:50: The TMZ guy tries one more time: "Do you think the portrayal of you guys is true? A lot of people are upset about the whole thing..."

00:55: He speaks! "Ah, come on, man, everybody knows young people make mistakes and then learn from them." The Jersey Shore cast exhibits their deft media strategy: answering a totally different question that the one asked of them while castigating the interviewer for finding himself in a glib position of inquiry.

1:00: Now the TMZ interviewer is on a roll. "In regards to being a guido," his question begins. But...

1:05: ...they laugh! They're celebrities! People in LA now understand their genus/species! This is like when Cornelius and Zara land on Earth in Escape From The Planet of the Apes, except Cornelius was played by Roddy McDowell, who'd kill himself if he had to take this role. No, literally, kill himself.

1:08: The TMZ photog is desperate! He tries to communicate with them in their native language using the SOS sign for attention: "Yo! Bro! Do you got a Cadillac sign on your side?"

1:11: The response is, naturally, fantastic. Indeed he does. A tattoo is shown. An Escalade is climbed into. And just like that, new stars are birthed from the Universe in a supernova of awesomeness.

Finally the kids in New Directions got a chance to compete at sectionals and it was not the rainbow covered unicorn pasture they had imagined. There were major shakeups in the group, and all of the messy secrets and relationships had their final reckoning and then...showtime! Artie loading onto the handicapped bus was just about the saddest 3 foot sojourn you ever did see, and not the triumphant razzle dazzle they imagined when everyone banded together to raise money for a bus. Wait, didn't they use that money to build a handicap ramp in the auditorium? Did Puck sell more drugs or something? Or did he win a bunch of money at fight club (Oh, never mind. Sue Sylvester donated the money for the ramp after visiting her handicapped sister)?

Their first big outing wasn't a total bust. Just look at all the great songs they got to sing.

"And I'm Telling You...": I'm sorry to all you Dreamgirls fans out there, but I am not a huge fan of this song, so maybe I was biased against Mercedes interpretation, but I wasn't that into it. However, all the kids were, so it was decided that Mercedes would sing it as the group's ballad at the competition.

Now that Will was ousted as leader during last week's Matressgate, they had to come up with a whole new set list. Of course Rachael took the lead—as she did more than once last night—and offered one of the many selections from her repertoire as the ballad. Emma, the acting Glee "coach," tells Rachel to give Mama Mercedes a chance, and she lights into this tune, much to the satisfaction of her classmates. Rachael looked like she was faking a positive reaction at the performance to hide her pain, but in the end she did the selfless thing and takes herself out of the running and lets the big belter have her moment. Mercedes was not going anywhere, and neither was Rachael. She did more for the team by stepping down than by stepping up. Finally Rachael is a big girl, and we never liked her more.

Everyone in the group loves Mercedes because she is fierce and confident and dishes all the dirt (is she going to tell everyone that Brittany and Santana are getting it on?). We thought she was being a lady by keeping Puck's secret, but it seems that her big mouth is as good for gossiping as it is for singing. Now everyone in Glee knows Puck's the father except Rachael, who figures it out with her "sixth sense." Sorry, Rachael, but as a female drama nerd, your sixth sense is called gaydar, not ESP.

Based on a hunch—and her very wiley Tay-Sachs ruse to suss out whether or not papa was a Jew—Rachel tells Finn that Puck is the father. A big fight ensues and Quinn lets out a whole bunch of tears, which wash away all her lies.

All of the sudden, everyone's telling everyone they're not going. Rachel fights for Finn, Finn fights for Quinn, Puck fights for Quinn, Finn fights Puck, and Quinn, well, she just wants to be alone. We're even more Team Quinn! after she handled her mess with class. She owns up to the mistakes she made, lets Finn walk away without lying to him, she pushes Puck away, and says she needs time and space to figure out what she's going to do. It's finally time for her to grow up and stand on her own. She also forgives Rachael for having the strength to do what she couldn't. And Rachael was honest about her motivations too. Since when are these kids so mature? It all seemed a little pat to tie up the whole "who's the babydaddy?" storyline, but it was satisfying and left enough up in the air that when the show comes back we'll still have some interesting dynamics.

Ken was also standing up for himself and trying to force Emma to love him when she announced she was pushing off their wedding for a few hours to get it "out of broad daylight" and so that she could take the kids to sectionals. He was none too thrilled, but let it happen anyway, for now.

"Don't Rain on My Parade": I know I'm asking for a gay riot after shitting on "And I'm Telling You...," but I'm not a huge fan of this Funny Girl classic either. The lyrics are awkward, the structure is strange, and I don't get why the sun is a ball of butter. Wouldn't it be really melty? Also, it seemed so obvious to have the weird Jewish girl with the big nose take on Barbra's big number. Then again, when the club is left to come up with a song on the fly, what else would Rachael fall back on? Like she said, she's had this prepared since she was four. And man, does she kill it. I'm getting a little teary just thinking about it now.

But it is strange (against the rules?) to have one girl do a whole number on her own without anyone else in the group uttering a note. That's not a show choir, that's the Rachael Berry Show. We loved it, but it wasn't what this competition is all about. And is it really a ballad? I'm not sure what else I would call it, but a gut-wrenching rouser like this doesn't scream ballad to me. Still, when she throws her arms out and introduces the "band" and our merry mass of misfits walk (and wheel) down the aisle...ugh, here come the tears again.

There was a giant storm cloud looming over the whole proceeding. Not only was Mr. Schue banned from competition, but Finn also quit the group in the wake of Quinn's big reveal. The only replacement they could find was naughty nerd Jacob (his trying to cop a feel while "comforting" Rachael on the bus was an awesome detail). Then, of course, when they arrive, they find out that the Jane Addams girls and the Haverbrook deaf kids have stolen all their numbers thanks to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester.

Surprisingly, it was Rachael who came through for the team, and for a change, it wasn't because she was trying to make herself look like a queen. She even tried to get Mercedes to sing a ballad like they agreed, but the group insisted that she take the solo. Wow, she actually tried to step to the side when center stage was offered. You grow, girl!

Will wasn't going to let dastardly delight Sue Motherfucking Sylvester ruin all the hard work he put in. SMFS was a bit less of a delight when she ran into Will in the hall at school. Not only did she list the things Will is not good at—being married, running a high school Glee club, and finding a haircut that doesn't make him look like a lesbian—but she uses every cruel tactic in the book to incite him. For a change, when she gave a little "victory" fist pump when walking away, we cringed instead of laughed.

To spite Sue and save his club, Will goes to Finn—who thanks to a blah blah blah plot device was in the school. Will sends his little alter ego to save the day with a pep talk and a new song. Ain't nothing going to get them down, and they find a way to march in their parade with umbrellas, even if some members are still a little pissed at each other.

"You Can't Always Get What You Want": Other than the silly organ version at the beginning of The Big Chill, this is the best cover of The Rolling Stones song I've ever heard, and New Directions found a way to turn it from a gospel-inflected dirge into a victory march. No wonder the crowd was up on their feet (and it seemed like a large crowd of white people considering there were only three choirs performing, one of the teams was all African-American, and none of the New Directions parents made the trip from Lima. Just who are these crazy white people going to random show choir sectional tournaments?).

This was a fitting song for Finn, seeing that he didn't get anything he wanted. His baby and Quinn were both taken away from him, even though the baby wasn't his in the first place. He doesn't even want to be the star quarterback or the Glee club hero anymore. He wants to be a normal kid, but Will thrusts the responsibility for saving the team onto him. Admirably, he steps up. Wow, his and Rachael's kids are going to be real leaders—and gay.

Thanks to Candace Dystra, fifth runner up of Miss Ohio 2006; Rod Remington, co-anchor of WOHN-TV and Sue Motherfucking Sylvester's ex-boyfriend; and Donna Landries, Ohio vice comptroller, New Directions does get what they want, the secional trophy. That means the girls from Jane Addams didn't get what they wanted, and they were big old cheaters. That has really got to sing. Eve really fucked up. Even though she tried to come clean before the final verdict was handed down, she didn't try hard enough, and McKinley High's squad was deemed the one that didn't suck the worst.

That means SMFS didn't get what she wanted either. Not only is the Glee club still around, but she got outed for being a big old cheater and deposed from the Cheerios. The way she told Principal Figgins "I beg your pardon" in about seven different inflections with different shades of meaning was amazing. That should seal up Jane Lynch's Emmy nomination right there. So, Sue will be down at her condo in Boca (of course) getting tan and she is going to come back to give Will a ride on the Sue Sylvester Express—destination: horror.

It was poor, stupid Terri who really didn't get what she wanted. When she sees Will in their house, it was a little bit sad and a lot bit awkward. She says, "I wanted so many things I know we'll never have, but it was OK because I had you." Way to turn the knife, Terri. And, sorry, we don't believe you. We believe you'd rather have a breakfast nook full of scented candles and Restoration Hardware dressers full of lilac sachets with some other dude than be all poor and married to Will. Now that they're over, are they over over or is it going to be Terri-lurking-in-the-shadows over. We kind of hope it's the later, because we need someone to hate hate, not love hate like we love hate Sue Motherfucking Sylvester.

When Will leaves he goes straight to Emma's wedding to find the ice sculpture melting and the Cheetos going stale in their bowls at the VFW Hall in Lima, Ohio, which is officially more depressing than a burnt-down Chuck E. Cheese taken over by wild dogs in Detroit. When he arrived (with a very nicely wrapped gift) he thought that he wouldn't be getting Emma, but it looks like Ken finally wised up and walked out. Though it wasn't all good news, Emma was leaving school because she couldn't face having to see both Ken and Will in the same building everyday. She doesn't want to be the rebound girl either, so when Will says that he and Terri are done, she does the smart thing and goes home alone.

But the next day, Will realizes he can't live without her, and they make out in the high school hallway like a couple of band geeks. But what happens next? Will they stay together? Will they leave school? Will Terri boil her bunny now that she is getting with her man? Damn you for leaving us, Glee! We can't get what we want, which is another episode next Wednesday.

"My Life Would Suck without You": I didn't realize how much I liked this Kelly Clarkson song until I heard it here. If it weren't for the very expected Emma/Will hookup during the number, it would have been another three-Kleenex kind of celebration, but alas. What was spectacular about the routine is that it incorporated moves from plenty of the other numbers—the "Single Ladies" ring finger, the coy "Say a Little Prayer" curtesy, the cowboy moves from "I Didn't Even Know His Last Name", and plenty of others that we had seen so far in the season. Not only was it a tribute to all the steps Will had taught the kids, but to the show itself. Seriously, Glee, our lives would suck without you.

Then we found out that Idina Menzel is about to sign as the coach of vocal adrenaline and Will's rival (and possible love interest?)! Who is Idina Menzel? Kill yourself! No, don't. Wait until April, because this is going to be more spectacular than a Sue's Corner marathon.

Ok!
"My Side Of The Story."
Rachel Uchitel was interviewed at her home, and Tiger Woods was not mentioned in the conversation. The mag's first question: "The media is painting you as the other woman, how would you describe yourself?" Uchitel says: "I've been called homewrecker, gold digger, tramp, whore. I make mistakes, but I'm not those things." For the next four pages, we learn: she has 2 dogs — one named Rudy Giuliani and one named Ozzy Osbourne; she likes Twilight and is Team Edward; and she watches Nancy Grace every night. In one picture, she is holding a photo of herself as a child and the caption reads: "I'm a good person." Moving on: The golf pro who introduced Tiger and Elin says she won't stay for him — or the money — after what he's done. "I don't see her being able to continue to love someone who violated her trust so thoroughly. That's not how she was raised." Hey, did you hear the rumor that when Rihanna and Zac Efron met backstage at David Letterman's Late Show, where they sipped champagne and swapped numbers? We didn't either. And Gossip Cop — which has partnered with Ok! — says it's not true. The rumor that Robert Pattinson was going to play John Lennon in Disney's 3-D remake of the Yellow Submarine is also false. Finally, in Taylor Squared news, a close friend of the pair tells Ok!: "They're the new Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. But they have the same first name — that sends it over the top! The cuteness factor is through the roof."
Grade: F (22°)

Life & Style
"Sandra: Fighting For My Kid."
We were bored to tears by this cover story about how Jesse James's daughter, Sunny, will sleep over at her biological mom's house on Christmas Eve. Mom is porn star Janine Lindemulder, and the mag points out that her house is "where same place she films adult videos." But Janine has nothing bad to say about Sandy Bullock: "I applaud her for the way she's taken over these past six months. She's done a wonderful job with Sunny." Moving on: Brad and Angelina celebrated their 5th anniversary in a poolside bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. He surprised her! "To keep information from getting out, and to keep Angie in the dark, only top level hotel staff members were informed." Brad and Angie were holding hands when they arrived. Angie was a excited and kept asking Brad what he was up to, but he just smiled. They ordered pasta and vodka via room service, and didn't leave the room until the next day, when they had a "triple date" with Cindy Crawford and her husband and George Clooney and his gf. (It wasn't actually a date — it was the party for Clooney's new movie, but whatever.) Kendall Jenner is "vogueing" for Forever 21 in a new ad campaign, and the mag points out that "her eyes sparkle like Brody's" and she has sister Kim Kardashian's "hot hair." (See image 7.) Holly Madison and Benji Madden: Dating. Finally: "What Happened To Cameron's Face" alleges that Ms. Diaz had fillers and stuff, but she looks exactly the same in both pictures (See image 8.)
Grade: F (29°)

In Touch
"I Will Leave My Wife For You."
So now we know that Tiger was juggling his wife Elin, his fuckbuddy Jaimee Grubbs and his mistress, Rachel Uchitel at the same time. This mag has emails from Tiger to Rachel, which read: "I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next me, lay on me, or wherever you want to lay. Fuck. Why didn't we find each other years ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation." Later in the article there is a picture of Rachel in a white bikini next to a picture of Elin in a white bikini, and the copy reads: "Why would Tiger stray from Elin?" And mentions that she is "an elegant Swedish former model with a killer body." Moving on: "Miley: 17 Going On 37." She dresses in leather, she pole dances, and now she has a tattoo under her boob. Apparently her "bosses" at her record label are concerned about what message she sends to young fans. Yawn. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is "caught in the middle." When he was standing on the carpet between Brad and Angie, "the tension between the couple was palpable. And Maddox did not look happy about it." The photo accompanying this story negates and contradicts the allegations, because the three of them look pretty happy on the red carpet (see image 9.) Also, the text reads: "The thought of his mom and dad splitting after giving him all of these brothers and sisters seems to be having an affect [sic, it should be Effect) on him." An insider says, "Lately, he has just been playing video games." Bizarre behavior for an 8-year-old! Meanwhile, Pax is "wild," and "runs around the house screaming in Vietnamese and attacking Maddox." Sounds fun! Next: George Clooney has finally "met his match" with Italian TV personality Elisabetta Canalis — she won't let him pay her rent, and has more clout in Italy, so when they need a reservation, she'll use her name. "She's in control," says a source. Jessica Simpson "nearly fainted" when she found out that Tony Romo's new girlfriend, Candice Crawford, was wearing a diamond ring from Tony. In "Hollywood Weight Watch, Who's Up, Who's Down," we learn that Brittany Murphy is too skinny; Sara Rue needs to lose; Jared is up; Reese Witherspoon is down; Mischa Barton is up. Lastly: Looking into the eyes — and closet — of Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives Of New Jersey is horrifying. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (45°)

Star
"Baby At Last — With Brad's Help!"
Jennifer Aniston's "mentor and confidant," ex-husband Brad Pitt, is "urging her on and patiently walking her step-by-step" through the "complicated, nerve-wracking" adoption process. After Jen visited an orphanage in Mexico, she sent Brad a text, telling him she was thinking of adopting. This set off a "flurry" of texts. "At first she wasn't sure she'd be strong enough," but "Brad gave her the courage to move forward." LOL. He told her: "You'll be an amazing mother. I've always believed that." When Jen heard that, "tears welled up in her eyes." She "pretty much lost it." LIKE WE ARE LOSING IT NOW. "For some reason, hearing Brad say those words to her was exactly what she needed." Brad told Angelina about the situation, and "Angelina exploded." But Brad explained that all Jen wants is help giving an orphan a good home. "This really struck a chord with Angie." She told Brad: "Do what you have to do." She told Brad to give Jen the number of her adoption expert, who helped her with Maddox, Pax and Zahara. Brad's been talking to Jen about how to nurture a child from another culture and reassured her that she can do it alone. In other Jolie-Pitt News, Maddox is looking forward to a small role in the new Karate Kid movie, Kung-Fu Kid, starring Will Smith's 11-year-old son Jaden. Blind item! "Which athlete has been playing the field behind his A-list girlfriend's back? One flirty night club encounter has already turned into a series of dates, and his main girl is getting suspicious." (coughARodCough) More: Lady Gaga drinks half a cup of apple cider vinegar three times a day. Britney saw that kooky Chris Brown wedding dance video and now she wants to do a special dance at her wedding to Justin Trawick. In Tiger Woods news, a "friend" of Rachel's says the night Tiger met Ms. Uchitel, they had sex seven times — and never used a condom. At 5 am, Tiger took a break to go to the gym, and when he came back, there were "two more rounds of lovemaking." The "friend" says: "This wasn't wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type sex, this was making love. That's how Rachel describes it." Apparently Tiger was paranoid and would check cabinets and closets for hidden cameras or recording devices during his hookups. Ironic that his own text messages busted him! Rachel knew about Tiger's other chicks, Cori and Kalika, but "hearing about Jaimee was what broke her heart. The wife is one thing, but it's what the others have said that hurts. She read that he didn't use condoms with any of them, either, and it just grossed her out." Next: Jessica Alba's relationship with Cash Warren is falling apart — she told a "pal" that they're not sleeping in the same bed and she has a crush on Mario Lopez. Stephanie Pratt was fired from The Hills but MTV execs are letting her make it look like she quit, to avoid embarrassment. She'd been showing up hungover or not at all, and then there was the DUI. "Producers like catfights and broken romances, not drama that involves breaking the law," says a source. "Stephanie just became this major mess and was too much of a liability." Finally: Weight Wars! Winners & Losers" features an expert guessing what the stars have been doing with their bodies. Chris Noth has MAYBE been doing weight training and yoga. Mischa Barton has been eating more because she got kicked off The Beautiful Life. Jessia Simpson has "plumped up again."
Grade: C- (50°)

Us
"What She Knew"
In an epic story about Tiger Woods and his women, there's info about how Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife. He would book hotel rooms under Mr. & Mrs. Bell (his best friend is Byron Bell). He also text messaged — a lot. MANY of the text exchanges between Tiger and Jaimee Grubbs are printed here — and they were texting right up through Thanksgiving. A snippet:

Tiger: I need you.
Jaimee: Then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
Tiger: I will wear you out soon
Jaimee: How soon? I got a new piercing.

To check out the rest, see image 11. Meanwhile, Elin was apparently living an "isolated life," jogging alone, wandering around Macy's alone, and eating alone at Cheesecake Factory. Next: In "25 Things You Don't Know About Me," Snoop Dogg reveals that he used to work at McDonald's; he has a "mancave," and his favorite subject was math, "Cuz if it ain't about money, it ain't about me." When Christina Milian and The Dream got married in Rome, she wore a lovely Monique Lhuillier gown; he wore an Alexander McQueen tux with Tom Ford boots. As in: Knee-high boots. (See image 12.) Charlie Sheen's wife Brooke has decided that she will only hire "older women" as nannies. The headline here is: "No Sags, No Wrinkles, No Job." Lastly: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are "suddenly serious." His parents live on Long Island and Brit is scheduled to be in New York for three days around Christmas, and she'll visit his parents while she's here!
Grade: C (55°)

From Life & Style

Click "full size" to enlarge

From Life & Style (but seems like a rip-off of when Us did What's Wrong With Lindsay's Face?)

Click "full size" to enlarge

From In Touch

From Us

Click "full size" to enlarge

From Us

Almost as powerless as Serena, who managed to be stupider and sluttier than usual last night, and she spent most of the hour either trapped in a country house or lying in a hospital bed and she still managed to get on our nerves. Her mother didn't do any better, as ultimate mean girl Lily fell prey to a conniving bitch and her slutty daughter. Eric and Jenny had the lamest popularity feud in the history of television, Dan got the cold dready shoulder from Vanessa, and Chuck Bass was seeing things. Things were a little bit different on the Upper East Side, so the power was in a serious state of flux.

Dorota:
Power Play: Vanya gets a name check but she doesn't? She's slipping!: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: 55
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Family Secrets: His mother is alive!: +2 (for having a mom), His mother is alive!: -2 (for not knowing)
Fashion Points: Has a giant painting of Rachel Zoe on his wall. We read it as ironic: +1
Personality Flaw: Has a problem with feelings: -2
Power Play: Is haunted by the ghost of character actors past: -1, Not only does he have ghost dad messing with him, his fake step mother Lily is on him too: -2, Throws out Lily's flowers, which kind of ruled: +2, Better than his dad: +1
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Blames Blair for feeling like a disappointment. Oh, hell no: -1
Social Schemes: Doesn't throw the homeless people out of his new building: +3
WTF: Has a full-on LSD flashback in the hospital: -1, It helps him grieve and get closer to Blair: +3
Total: 7
Season to Date: 29
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Fashion Points: Giant houndstooth print blouse: +2, '30s inspired hat and coat: +1, Gets compliment on her outfit: +1
Power Play: Dan has to tell her about Serena's accident: -1, Was right about Trip: +2
Quip: "This is a homeless shelter. A) gross and B) really?": +1
Serena Bonus: Is not Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Brings Chuck breakfast in bed. She is not the help: -1, Chuck blames her for feeling like a failure: -2, Chuck is ignoring her booty calls: -1
Total: 5
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Nate:
Family Secrets: Lets Serena know his grandfather is away and that Trip has to be lying to her: +2
Fashion Points: Manbangs: +1
Personality Flaw: He does not do indignant well: -1
Power Play: Advises Dan to "man up." Please. Like this queen even knows what it is: -1, Punching Trip is the butchest thing he's ever done: +2
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3, For wanting to bone her: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Thinks drama majors are sexy. Of course: -1, Can't help Serena: -1, Knows that the fastest way to Serena's heart is to give her drugs: +1, Stays at the hospital with Serena, which is kind of cute: +1, But she's Serena: -1
WTF: Hid pot in a book at the family summer home. That's our kinda guy: +2
Total: 5
Season to Date: 11
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Fashion Points: This outfit finally happened: -1, Exercises her accessory superiority: +2
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Social Schemes: Banishes a minion to walk across the street: +2, Her minion is plotting against her: -1, So are Eric and his trolly little friend: -1, Please, like Eric poses a threat: +2, Has to buy her friends: -1, She still has minions to control: +2, Apologizes to Eric: -2, Still manages to hold on to power even though she's a shitty queen: +2, This is the worst popularity skirmish ever: -3
WTF: Drug dealer Jenny! I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so scared for this storyline: +20
Total: 24
Season to Date: 1
Power Position: High

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Knows Lily is keeping secrets: +2, Doesn't know what they are: -1
Personality Flaw: Has essentially become a Real Housewife of New York: +2, Stop feeding everyone!: -1
Power Play: Get's Lily's co-op proxy. That may sound demeaning, but there have got to be some seriously powerful folks who now have their fate in Rufus' guitar-strumming, chili-stirring hands: +4
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Lily wants to use "alone time" to confess her secrets, not engage in "rich lady and house painter" roleplay: -1, The co-op lady he is going to bang is a hot piece: +2
Total: 10
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Power Play: Has a friend with a country house: +1, Worried about Serena even though they're not friends: +1
Serena Bonus: No Serena Bonus because she is Vanessa, after all. That's just as bad.
Sexual Intrigue: Dating some dude: +2, We haven't seen him, so he's either busted or imaginary: -1, Shoots down Dan: +20, Really, V? This guy bagged Serena and awesome Olivia. He also has serious man guns and you're going to say no? That's unwise: -3
Total: 20
Season to Date: -8
Power Position: Up

Eric:
Money: Is so rich that he doesn't know how a vending machine works: +3
Personality Flaw: Is a lousy queen—in all senses of the word: -1
Power Play: Has a minion: +2, She's a weird little troll: -1
Serena Bonus: For having to put up with Serena for the rest of his life: +6
Social Schemes: Has a plan to take down Jenny: +3, It's kind of lame: -1, His plot gets foiled by Jenny: -1, This is the worst popularity skirmish ever: -3, Is friends with the real queen again: +2
Total: 9
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Family Secrets: Her secret is getting out: -1, We have a feeling it's not so bad: 0 (just observation), Rufus still doesn't know: +1, Didn't tell Rufus when she should have: -1
Money: Her coat closet is bigger than most East Village studio apartments: +5, And that is just her closet for coats!: +2
Personality Flaw: Forgot it was the anniversary of her husband's death: -1
Power Play: Serena won't talk to her: -1, Wait, it's Serena: +2, Maureen thinks she's a skank: -1, Tries to save Chuck: +1
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3, For giving birth to her: -6
WTF: At least we now know where Serena learned to be skanky and stupid: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Down

Serena:
Fashion Points: Manages to show major skanky cleavage while hanging in a cold country house alone. Can't someone give this girl a Snuggie?: -2, Put on her hospital gown backwards so she could show off her boobs: -1
Personality Flaw: "I want coffee and cable." Shut up, you whiny bitch. No wonder Trip left you alone: -2, As Maureen points out, she is "just a phase," like lesbianism in college: -2, Prefers Fitzgerald to Hemingway. We hate to agree with her on an intellectual matter, but: +2, Wouldn't even get a Chappaquiddick joke if we made one: -1, No one will believe her over Trip because she is a skanky crack ho and he is a U.S. Rep: -1
Power Play: Needs to turn up her tacky music: -1, Doesn't want Trip to run over some wolves because she thinks they are the wolf pack from Twilight: -2, Somehow, through all of this drama, she managed to help Chuck find his feelings: +2
Serena Bonus: For being Serena: -3
Sexual Intrigue: He boyfriend totally diddled Barney Frank to get a position on his committee: -1, Demoted from Jackie O to Marilyn: -2, Trip is totally playing her: -1, Her boyfriend leaves her for dead: -1, She turns on Trip faster than she'd inhale a line of coke off one of the tables at Marquee: +2, At least Nate still wants her: +1
WTF: She is trapped alone in a house in the woods. Why, oh why, couldn't there be a serial killer involved in this horror movie set up?: -1, She thinks she can leave Trip and catch a cab in the wilderness. You can't even catch a cab above 145th Street, what makes her think there will be little yellow life saver in this god-forsaken place? This is perhaps the stupidest thing Serena has ever said, and that is a very high bar: -5
Total: -19
Season to Date: -25
Power Position: Down, down, down, down, down

Dan:
Power Play: Finds out about Serena's accident first: +2, Invites stupid Vanessa to the hospital. Does she even like Serena?: 0 (because we don't know, or care)
Serena Bonus: For not being Serena: +3
Sexual Intrigue: Like he really needs to date another actress right now: -1, His new piece decorated her dorm room like it's the set from Clarissa Explains It All: -1, This slutty actress is serving him a piece on a silver platter and he turns it down: -1, Manages to grow a set and confesses his love for Vanessa: +2, He loves her after like a week?: -1, And it's Vanessa: -3, Vanessa doesn't want to date him. He went from bagging Serena and awesome Olivia to getting dissed by Our Lady of the Dreads: -100,000,000
Total: -100,000,000
Season to Date: -100,000,013
Power Position: He is devoid of all power

Margaret Mead had the Samoans, Dian Fossey had gorillas, and the rest of us have the eight guidos on Jersey Shore for the most important anthropological study of its day. MTV has chosen four men and four women to live in a house in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, which we hear is called "Sleazeside Heights" in the local vernacular. What is assembled here is not only excellent entertainment, but a breakthrough in media and the science of reality television as a whole.

What we've grown accustomed to are two types of non-competitive reality shows, both pioneered by MTV. There is the Real World species and The Hills species. Jersey Shore is descended from the former type, but is so unique in its evolution that it is a new creature onto itself. For a Real Worldicus Americanus to be a viable animal, producers are looking to cast easy to recognize "types": annoying drunk girl, the slut, angry black man, the violent guy, the flamboyant gay, the sassy black lady, the country bumpkin, the religious zealot. Most of these shows feature a number of types that, when combined will be explosive. While the people go into the show thinking that they are individuals, they are quickly molded into their pre-written role thanks to editing, trickery, and a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. The participants think of themselves as more than just a stereotype, but that is what they are to us.

The amazing thing about Jersey Shore is that it is comprised of only one very distinctive type—the guido—and it is a type in which all of the participants not only willingly identify, but glorify. They are not afraid of being seen as a stereotype because they want to be the big-haired, muscled out, tanned freak in a too-tight Armani Exchange top. While the rest of society may deride the guido, these specimens see nothing wrong with it, because they live in a universe where it is the norm. Based on the other inmates in the Sleazeside Heights zoo, there is nothing manufactured about these people. They do not possess the fame-seeking guile of the Speidis of the world, because their only aspiration is to be revered as the ultimate guido. Because of this, no coaxing into conformity with reality show norms is needed. All the cameras have to do is sit back and observe.

Their disconnect with the byways of mainstream society is especially observed in the environment in which they have been placed, a three-level shore house directly on the boardwalk. When some set designer from New York tricked it out for the show, he snarkily filled it with Italian flags, sparkly sofas, posters of Scarface, maps of New Jersey, tacky couches, and leopard print bedspreads. The residents find nothing kitschy or campy about this set at all. Instead of the intended irony, they only see "class" (see below).

We already met those on the other side of the glass, but lets learn a little bit more about their specific genus.

Angelina: She arrives at the house carrying all her belongings in trash bags, that makes us want to call her Trash Bags. However, she seems to take inexplicable joy in making sure the males of the house do not get to mate. Because of this, we want to call her Blue Balls. Trash Bags or Blue Balls, please help us decide. Maybe her aversion to the other males getting attention is because she has a boyfriend at home, so she is not getting any loving while she tries to stay faithful. She is complex, but lazy.

JWOWW: Is the human embodiment of Stripperella except she tries to cover it up by dying most of her hair brunette. The white pieces still show through, as do her enormous breast implants, which she displays in shirts that look like a glittery Ace bandage leisurely draped over two toddler's heads. She is a slut who takes pleasure in making men want her and then making their lives hell. She is very dangerous when provoked. Also, we like to call her ShamWOWW because everything about her is fake.

The Situation: A prevalence of referring to oneself in the third person is usually a symptom of low self-esteem masked by fake bravado, and The Situation (real name: Mike) is a perfect example. He thinks that all the ladies love him, but he needs them to love him. His name describes his defined abdominal muscles, which he describes as a "situation." The physical perfection he tries to achieve is meant to make up for lack of security he feels in himself. He appears to be a strong alpha, but he is really a sad, sad follower.

Snooki: If there was a Guido equivalent of a fag hag, it would be Snooki. She will do anything to please the men in her life, even though none of them desire her sexually. Also she resorts to extreme tactics when no one is paying attention to her. She clings to the outmoded standard of beauty that she claims to have created ("the poof") even though her peers shun it. She also can not operate simple machinery.

DJ Pauly D: Has about the ugliest collection of tribal markings outside of the before pictures in a tattoo removal ad. Yes, it says Cadillac down his side, most likely so that the women who lie next to him in bed will have something to read. He has no morals when it comes to mating and will do anything for the attention of the ladeez. Once he finally blinds them with the aberrant scribbles on his skin, he takes them home where he marks their vaginas internally with his pierced penis. They will always bear the mark of DJ Pauly D—a herpes blister and labial scar from the cuts made by his Prince Albert. He also likes to fight.

Ronnie: Though smart when it comes to dealing with women, his size, bravado, and penchant for making fruity drinks belies a more "sensitive" side. "The Situation" can see the situation clearly and thinks that his romantic rival is in love with him. We can not say that he is wrong. Like most people hiding secrets, Ronnie is full of anger. That might also be the steroids, but we're going with secrets.

Sammy: This self-described sweetheart is a Helen of Troy type. She needs to have men going to war for her in order to crown a clear victor. She likes to think of herself as the mothering type who will make a great cook and raise a big Italian brood, but she will never be able to settle down because the constant conflict does not work well with monogamy. However, she is still looking for the Darwinian ideal to bed her, and only the strongest survive. The weak can all die, for all she cares, preferably at her hand.

Vinny: Vinny has been ruined by his mother to thinking that he is better than he truly is. He feels that because he is young and educated he somehow has a leg up on his comrades. At the same time, he does not alter his conformity to their standards of appearance or behavior. He will eventually have a psychotic break where he will move to Vermont and try to reinvent himself as an organic, vegan farmer. He will fail and have to move back with his mother.

There are the creatures that we are forced to ponder. Of course, there are a few words that one must know to understand their sophisticated patois:

• Classy: This is a standard of beauty and behavior to which all aspire. While the taste and requirements are subjective, the directive is absolute: one must be classy.
• Trashy: The opposite of "classy" and includes behavior like taking off one's thong in a hot tub, bringing people home from a club, and cheating on one's boyfriend (but not one's girlfriend). While the guido may refer to behavior in another as "trashy" that same behavior in oneself is often deemed "classy."
• Vibing: Getting along with and flirting with a member of the opposite sex.
• Dogging On: Making out with or engaging in sexual tomfollery when in a public setting.
• Pounding Out: Engaging in sexual intercourse with someone-hopefully in a private setting, but not necessarily.
• Blow-out: The type of ornate plumage the male employs that requires a blow dryer and several tubes of hair gel to perfect.
• Sluts: To men a "slut" is both any woman who wants to have sex with him and any woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, which means all women are sluts. To the female it is all women other than herself. It can also be a term of sexual empowerment for a woman, unless applied to one who is not "classy," then it is the ultimate insult

Now that we have learned their jargon, it is time to witness them in their natural environment.

Work: The herd is not allowed to merely live in house, they must also work at the Shore Store, a Boardwalk T-Shirt emporium that sells wares like hot pink booty shorts, air brushed tank tops, and Ts with sexual slogans such as "I shaved my balls today."

Not everyone enjoys working, Trash Bags finds it tedious and tries to slack off at any opportunity. Vinny, who has the first disease of the season (sadly, pink eye) asks her to fill in for him, and she can only agree to work one hour. She is lazy.

The Situation enjoys a work situation, because it gives him a chance to show off. Vinny is an eager worker, but only because he needs to please a boss, who he sees as a substitute father figure. Because his mother plays such a prominent role in his life, he is searching for male authority to steer him the right way.

Landlord/boss Danny is a benevolent tyrant. He enjoys the kids, but he enjoys the money they make him even more. He will fire one, eventually. We hope it's not Sneakers.

Hooking Up: Romantic entanglements are of the utmost importance to the young guido. Other than the gym and tanning salon, the bedroom is his most cherished habitat.

Here we see DJ Pauly D getting close with JWOWW, they eventually make out. The next night, they make out again, and JWOWW discretely hides their locked lips behind her hand. She has a boyfriend at home and she doesn't want to cheat on him. She does not define "cheating" as making out with another man and seeing his pierced penis. Cheating is if she gets him off before she climaxes. If she uses a man for her own pleasure that is not cheating.

Blue Balls also has a boyfriend at home, which is why she has strapped a chastity belt on all the men in her immediate vicinity. The problem is her boyfriend hates her. Whenever she calls, he seems to be too busy for her. When he tells her that he is "in a meeting" and can't talk, she repeatedly calls and gets his voicemail. This is grounds for dumping her. Please, please, throw out the Trash Bags.

The most complicated romantic entanglement is between Sammy Soso, Ronnie, and The Situation, who find themselves in a love triangle situation. Sammy Soso was initially attracted to The Situation, but found it to be a Soso Situation. After holding hands and "vibing" with him, she makes out with him in the club. Then she decides to make out with Ronnie. Naturally, this angers The Situation, because his self-worth is now shattered thanks to Sammy. He picks up the little pieces of his ego and flips her off. Because of his behavior, she sees him as weak and "dogs on" Ronnie instead, flaunting their relationship in The Situation's room so that he will feel even worse about himself.

In retaliation, DJ Pauly Desperate, Vinnie, and The Situation bring three girls back to the roof and try to get it on with all of them. The Situation feels vaguely better about himself, but now that Ronnie is officially the alpha, he is uneasy about his status.

As for the complicated hook ups of Snickers, we will get to that in the next video.

Puking: This is a common occurrence among the members of the guido tribe and it is looked upon as an inevitability of their hard-drinking lifestyle, but as also the most foul act a human can perform. It is weakness, and weakness is not tolerated. It also creates "puke breath," which is a deadly ailment that can cause death if it breathed on another guido. Puke breath to guidos is like holy water to vampires—something so profane it will melt your very skin.

Here we have Snooker's new friend Robby, who she met at a club. He vomits when she tries to make out with him. This is either because he drank too much or because he finds her revolting. Maybe a combination of the two. After instructing him to hurl over the railing of the balcony and onto the sidewalk below, she goes downstairs to get a trash bag for him to vomit in. She doesn't know that this is really Blue Balls' luggage. When she walks him home, she will not kiss him because of his puke breath.

Just the day before Snack Cake herself got so blitzed that she vomited the next morning. No one would hold her poofy hair because they were afraid of puke breath inhalation. The puking was so severe, it made her late for her first day of work. When asked for an excuse by bossman Danny, she said, "I was in the bathroom," because having him think she think she was taking an enormous turd is better than having him think she is infected with puke breath.

Drinking: Next to hooking up, getting drunk is the leisure activity of the guido. This usually allows them to hook up more freely, so it is a symbiotic relationship. Sometimes it leads them to want to hook up too much, like when ShamWOWW made out with DJ Pauly Shore at the club and then took off his wife beater, leaving with both his shirt and her pride. Apparently she needed to go eat ham, which is a cure for drunkenness. Also, if vomited up, it makes the puke breath almost bearable.

Also behaving badly under influence of alcohol was Snuffleupagus. She got so bombed that she took off her clothes and hopped into the hot tub with all the boys, where she was as unwanted as a Baby Ruth floating at a pool party. Rejected, she went downstairs where she tried to call her father on the duck-shaped phone that is the favorite communication device of the tribe. However, she could not make it work. After hanging up on her father several times, she also hung up on ShamWOWW's boyfriend several times and some mean man who just kept screaming "Who is this?" at her. It was probably Ronnie's "juice man" returning frantic pages for more T.

Vinny got drunk and dance with a fat lady, which somehow gave him pink eye. This has not yet been medically proven to happen.

Fighting: Give a guido enough testosterone and their muscles will swell, their dicks will shrink, and contests of superiority will be very, very likely.

This relatively weak fight started because someone was assessing the Situation. He didn't like the way he was being looked at and blew his aggressors a kiss. Apparently making homosexual overtures to another male of a neighboring group is an incitement to violence (which may be why leader Ronnie keeps his love of the Situation a secret).

When one member of a pride has his pride attacked, it is up to all the male members to defend that honor, which is why the Situation got assessed, but Vinny got shoved, and DJ Pauly Dope responded with a punch to the nose. Thankfully the authorities were there to restrain him and quickly defuse the Situation by throwing him and his friends out on the street. Fights aren't won or lost, they are only ended, either by bouncers of cops.

While this contest may be fierce, inter-tribal civil wars tend to be verbal in nature, especially between members of the opposite sex. Trash Bags and Robo-Cop Ronnie get in a tiff because he thinks she shouldn't be cock blocking and she thinks that trashy girls shouldn't be let in the house. Their screaming made no sense whatsoever, but was a bit of mild entertainment for an evening at home.

Communication Skills: Here are some of our favorite things that people actually said last night:

Sammy: "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet, but don't fuck with me."

Ronnie: "Take your shirt and [the women] come to you like flies on shit."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to work, I'm a DJ."

Trash Bags: "How is this girl getting in the jacuzzi in a bra. Wear a thong bikini if you're going to wear anything. It's more classier."

Sammy: "I had so much respect for you guys until you got into the Jacuzzi with those sluts."

Blue Balls: "That's how we know we're classy girls because we've been here two days with those guys and nothing has happened."

The Situation: "This situation is unbelievable. You can't even believe the situation you're about to get in the situation."

Trash Bags: "I'm a bartender, I do like, you know, great things."

Snickerdoodle: "I'm the fucking princess of fucking Poughkeepse."

The Situation: "Everybody loves me: babies, dogs, hot girls, cougars."

Vinny: "I don't care if you're fat, ugly, 45 years old—I'll dance with you."

DJ Paulie Dude: "She wants to have fun and have a boyfriend. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I'll play that game. I'll be that guy. I don't care."

Blue Balls: "If a girl's a slut, she should be abused."

Trash Bags: "I'll cut your hair while you're sleeping."

I decided to ask a few professionals. Raves and nominations notwithstanding, as casting director Mark Bennett (The Hurt Locker, Junebug) puts it when asked for his professional opinion, "Unfortunately Hollywood is still a system that doesn't produce a lot of great parts for black women and doesn't produce a lot of parts for women who aren't conventionally beautiful. And that's not going to change overnight."

In a piece last month on The Root, cultural critic Stanley Crouch was outright pessimistic:

"Gabby Sidibe better enjoy her fame while she can because black actresses never have less than a hard row to hoe. Even if the inner life they bring to characters is as beautiful as they are physically, they have little chance."

Crouch cited several black actresses whose careers were, as he puts it, "pissed away by the system," and argues that even with Precious's success, at the end of the day, "Hollywood will continue to go along as it has gone." And he didn't even touch on the fact that Hollywood has had little use for any women larger than a size zero.

So far, Sidibe has shot a pilot for Showtime – The C Word, a dark comedy starring Laura Linney – and also wrapped a Sundance lab film called Yelling to the Sky. But her most significant post-Precious performance has probably been on the talk show circuit.

The greatest risk Sidibe initially faced was best articulated (inadvertently) by Roger Ebert in his November 4 Chicago Sun Times review of Precious:

"Her work is still another demonstration of the mystery of some actors, who evoke feelings in ways beyond words and techniques. She so completely creates the Precious character that you rather wonder if she's very much like her."

You can wonder, but the answer is no. "It's called acting," her manager, Jill Kaplan, says. Sidibe herself has skillfully, but seemingly effortlessly, put space between her character and herself with her television appearances, which exhibit both poise and comic timing.

"When you see her being interviewed, she's so charming. You look at her and say, I'd like to watch her in other parts so you can see her acting different personalities," says Bennett.

Both Bennett and Billy Hopkins, the casting agent who co-discovered Sidibe at an open casting call (and Precious director Lee Daniels' former partner), point out that cable television offers a far greater range and depth of roles for actresses. And they both speculate that she'd make a good talk show host. (An appealing, if entirely premature, prospect).

Hopkins sounds determinedly optimistic about Hollywood's receptiveness to an actress like Sidibe. "Is she a hard type to cast? Yes. But is she talented? Yes. So I think those will balance each other out," he says.

Eyde Belasco, who cast Sidibe in Yelling To The Sky and has worked on movies like (500) Days of Summer and Half Nelson, writes in an email that her own choice had "very little to do with her look and everything to do with her amazing acting abilities." She adds, "I think the best types of roles for Gabby going forward, to keep her from being typecast, are ones that are not linked to her look. Maybe it's about taking on a great supporting role (such as her role in Yelling To She Sky) that has very little to do with her physical appearance and all to do with her performance. If an actor can afford to do it, it's about waiting for the right role. Gabby does have a very specific look. But, hopefully, filmmakers and casting directors will want the best actress for the role."

It can be hard to get insiders to discuss industry prejudices on the record, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. "Hollywood tends to think of actors like Gabby as being perfect as a white person's friend. She'll have to work really hard to distinguish herself in their eyes," says Bennett. "The soft prejudice that she's going to face is going to be getting cast in parts that aren't written for a black girl. At the end of the day, I find there's a certain risk aversion in terms of Hollywood casting. It wouldn't surprise me if she finds her most fulfilling professional opportunities in the coming years outside of Hollywood."

Bennett's advice to her is not to wait to pursue the parts she wants: "It's a mistake for actors to sit around and assume that Hollywood as a monolith will have imagination. Actors have to insist on what they're capable of."

Kaplan, Sidibe's manager, is reluctant, for obvious reasons, to have the actress pigeonholed or even discuss that risk. She says Sidibe has gotten all kinds of scripts sent her way. "It doesn't have to be about changing Hollywood's ideals – it's just about a talented actress," she says.

She adds, "I think she can do anything. She's a prodigy – she's very funny. She really loves Judd Apatow movies and comedies in general. We're looking for a big fun comedy for her, or maybe something romantic…She loves superhero movies."

Speaking of Apatow and comedies, I tracked down Allison Jones, the casting director who has worked with him since Freaks and Geeks, and who was also responsible for the inarguably inspired casting on Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Office. Here's what she writes:

A good comedy director I think values instincts more than line readings...so if her comedy instincts are as solid as her dramatic ones (on talk shows she is a riot and so delightful), then she will have no problem... Someone's funny, she's funny. Someone's good, she's good. [In addition] as much as anyone's physical appearance can limit their appropriateness for a role (including the stick-thin actresses), she will not be right for everything. But maybe there are more opportunities out there rather than fewer.

Hopefully those opportunities will exceed the comic roles that the industry has so far offered larger black women (or men pretending to be them)—where their sexuality is a punchline in itself.

As the awards season kicks off, Sidibe's name is already on many ballots — she was just nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for best actress — and expected to be on more, including those for the Oscars (announced February 3). And maybe that's what it'll take to clinch her broader appeal, should anyone need convincing. Kaplan doesn't want to make predictions. "I can't say what's going to happen," she says. "I'm definitely trying. I'm working on it right now. People are going to see outside the box."

Hollywood: Same As It Ever Was [The Root]

Related: Et Tu, Amy Poehler? What's So Funny About Desiring A Big, Black Woman? [What Tami Said]
Sumpin' Turrrrble: SNL's Keenan Thompson Performs Minstrel Act [Racialicious]

We also got rid of our least favorite sub plot last night, but it was at the expense of Mr. Schuester leading our Glee kids to their inevitable sectional victory. That Sue Motherfucking Sylvester was also on a tear, and not being her sarcastic cutesy self. She was a hyena with carcass blood smeared all over her sneer, and she was out for murder. Also, everyone makes fun of the Glee kids and they love it. Next week Rachel is going to do a "You Spin Me Right Round" number in full S&M gear. Just you wait.

And we got our latte of pain with some ironic cocoa powder sprinkled on top thanks to the song selection which was all about sunshine and light and smiling. Yippee! Let's walk on sunshine through the choruses.

"Smile": Though this Lily Allen track may sound like a pretty ditty it is really a symphony of schadenfreude, with the singer laughing at the pain of her ex. How sadistic that this is what Rachael uses to get Finn ready for their co-captain yearbook shot. But before we get there, just who are these people in the band and where do they come from? If they're fellow music nerds, why wouldn't they just be in the Glee club? And how long are we going to go on using them and pretending they're not there? Shouldn't one of them get a joke or a story line or ask Mercedes out on a date or something?

These band members may just be part of the student body, which really loves defacing the Glee Club photo in the yearbook each year. Yearbooks are for doodling, but then why don't the Glee kids go and deface the cheerleaders picture? What's going to happen if they do? The cheerleaders are going to hate them and have their football player boyfriends throw Slushie in their faces? Too late. But they're a bunch of wimps, so when the principal bans the Glee photo from the yearbook so that it won't further humiliate the students, they don't protest. And why, oh why, Babygay Kurt, in your library research of past Glee photos didn't you unearth Mr. Schue's from back in the day?

Of course it was Sue MF Sylvester who really had it out for the little club that could. We don't know what happened to her at Thanksgiving, but it must have been worse than one of our horror stories, because her little quibble with the club turned into a vicious vendetta. She isn't acting because she hates them, she's doing this because she enjoys watching them suffer.

Just like all the New Directions kids love watching Rachael make a fool of herself. When Rachael, the secretary of the Muslim student's association, and Will insist that their club get a photo in the yearbook, Principal Figgins agrees, but there is only room for two people. The club elects Rachael of course. She wants the job, and none of them like her, so (like daft cheerleader Brittany says) they'll be the ones drawing a mustache on Ms. Barry.

Still, she convinces Finn to join her in the picture, and he agrees because his identity is more and more linked to being the big stud of the troupe. However, the football players are having way too much fun with his eventual humiliation. When they put a Sharpie to his face in real life, that's more than he can bear and he ditches Rachael for their modest photo shoot. Oh, the cackles of teens can be like razors.

"When You're Smiling": We only get a bar of this standard, but it's more than enough to make a point. The song is about overcoming disappointment and sadness and doing something to make your situation better, and Rachael needs that message when she's dissed by Finn for about the 7,543,319th time. He's not coming to take a picture, and he's not going to serenade you at your window, Rachael. Time to move on!

She gets into character right quick with a little pep talk reminding herself that it's lonely at the top and to stop caring what people think about her. As much of a bitch as Rachael can be, she really is quite a strong person to maintain her delusions of grandeur in the face of such staunch opposition. While her smile turns on the camera, it's her tears that really win the crowd over. By crying on demand and begging the cameraman, she books the club in a TV commercial. The whole world's smiling with them.

Quinn is trying to turn her frown upside down by getting reinstated in the Cheerios. Maybe if she got rid of that stupid side-pony-braid combination that she keeps sporting they'll let her back in. After getting kicked out by Sue and scorned by all the other girls (including the two who are in Glee with her), it's funny that so much of her status is wrapped up in being the chief flying monkey for wicked witch Sue MF Sylvester. She doesn't want her future "real" kids to think of her as some loser, but as a wonderful popular cheerleader. How is she going to do that? But forgetting her sorrow and convincing SMFS that she belongs on the squad.

The one really gritting her teeth and grinning through it is Emma, who is no longer getting married in Hawaii but at the VFW hall in Lima, Ohio, to a man that she doesn't love and doesn't have good hygiene. Of course that means she can't go with her beloved Will to see the kids at sectionals, since the ceremony is the same day, but she has decided that plunging into a life-long mercy fuck is the right thing to do and maybe if she smiles at it, eventually it will all be better. This story line is wearing as thin as an anorexic after a bout with H1N1, but we loved that Emma basically told Will to get over himself and stop assuming that she loves him. She knows pining away for him will end badly. Marrying Ken won't be much better, but she's hoping that by pouring sunshine all over it, she'll end up with a rainbow.

"Jump": Have you ever paid attention to the lyrics of this Van Halen chart topper? Me neither, and that's because they really don't make much sense. They're really just throw-away sentiment for a killer rock song. That said, we're taking the "jump" of the title to be a leap of faith or a call to some sort of drastic action.

Will didn't so much as jump, but was pushed when he found Terri's fake baby bump in her drawer. Finally, the fake pregnancy is over! Amen. It ended pretty well too. The scene between Will and Terri in the kitchen was a doozy as she desperately tries her best to manipulate him even though she knows her plot is over. The "Evil sister Kendra stole the baby bump from the maternity store" excuse was a dilly—It was so good, it's amazing it didn't work. The reason it didn't is because Will knows that Terri is one fucked-up, crazy bitch who would lie about being pregnant. He knows she's flawed but loves her anyway, for some strange reason.

Terri's rationale for why she did it is a little bit flawed. She says that Will is in love with her high school self, not the real Terri, and she had to save the marriage. That's a little hard for us to imagine, since we have no clue what she was like back then (flashback episode full of '90s classics, please!), but she knows there is something fundamentally wrong with the pairing. She blames his involvement with the club, but it's much deeper than that, and (as crazy as she may be) she's smart enough to know it. So, Will takes the big jump and moves into the Glee club's rehearsal room, where he finds a stack of mattresses, the payment for the crew's commercial.

Speaking of which, the spot in itself is a joy, but what was really great about it was watching Rachael make the jump from being a self-serving diva to doing something for the good of the team. While they all talk about how they will forget the little people when they're famous, the joy from their performance comes from the fun that they have as a collective. It's great that we're really starting to believe this. I want to be in the club too. I'd even go back to high school just to sign up. OK, maybe not...

The one who has really started benefiting from being a team member is Ms. Quinn Fabray, who uses her years under the bitchtastic tutelage of Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to save the club. When Will uses one of the mattresses, that means the Glee kids have been paid for their commercial, which is a no-no for a school group. That means the club is disqualified from competition. Pre-pregnancy Quinn was fighting to get these merry melody makers sidelined, but now that they've accepted her, she uses her scheming to get them reinstated, and with a full page in the yearbook to boot. The only gesture that Sue MF Sylvester can even feel anymore is a stab in the back, so Quinn tells her if Glee isn't resuscitated that she will rat out all the free shit the Cheerios have been swimming in for years. What did Sue write in her journal of doom about this move? She was probably proud and impressed.

And even better than besting Sue was when Quinn decided she didn't want to be a Cheerio anymore after all. She'd rather face the ignominy of being in Glee with people who care about her than the popularity of being the icy princess at the top of the Cheerios pyramid. Now she's using her scheming powers for good, not evil.

"Smile": The convention for ending each episode quickly became leaving the audience with a roaring and inspiring "11 o'clock number" (9:58pm in this instance) that will have us welling up, clutching our hearts, and loving this god-send of a show. Not this week. This song—another one about smiling through the pain—was not only bluer than normal, but also served as the background music for the Glee club's inevitable humiliation at the hands of a thousand malicious markers.

The real pain came when Will had to step down as head of the Glee Club in light of Mattressgate and left the kids on their own to lead the group. Wait, wouldn't control then go to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester, who is still unofficially the co-chair of Glee? Rather than getting them disqualified, Will would rather step down, which isn't as hard a decision to make after he saw them all come together for the commercial. Most of that responsibility rests on Rachael's shoulders, and it's inspiring to see her becoming a leader, which is as unselfish a position as she could take.

The kids even got excited about their full page in the photo book, brought to them by the letter Q and the noun "gumption." They were so jacked that Puck even worked up his delicious man guns just for the shoot (and boy, he shot us right through the heart with those guns). As Will watches on, smiling at the happiness that he's brought his group, they're all laughing, but everyone's a little sad. But wasn't Will's goal to give the kids the wonderful experience he had in high school? Looks like mission accomplished Mr. Schue. Put on your jump suit and get to an aircraft carrier.

With a stop by Sue's Corner (about how the day after Christmas all ugly people should stay inside so that her retinas could rest from seeing them) we see what is making her so angry she vowed to "innocently murder" Will: she's still smarting about losing her man to bitch-faced Andrea the anchor. All SMFS wants is to be loved. And if she can't be, then everyone else will suffer!

But it doesn't look like the Glee club is suffering at all. As sad as the final scene was—when we're left only with images of them drawn all over and defaced—it was also a bit inspiring. Sure, they might still be under the mistaken impression that no one will mock their picture now that they're "television stars," but it seems like they've stopped caring completely how everyone else feels about the club. They're having a great time, doing something they love, and have finally found social acceptance—and if that isn't enough to make you smile, than nothing is.

Jasmine and Casey were besties until the latter allegedly broke into the former's apartment. There, Jasmine says, Casey masturbated in her bed, then left the used vibrator bewteen the sheets and absconded with a grand theft's worth of jewelry, clothes, and panties. Now Jasmine's speaking out about Casey's insanity—but who, you ask, is Jasmine?

• She's Trainwreck Royalty Papa was a playboy shoe magnate, Mama was a 1970s Bond girl. According to their mother, Jasmine and her sisters were named after three of their father's mistresses, "a tribute to those who didn't make it." Jasmine's parents divorced when Mom realized Dad had gambled away the family fortune, and Mom went on to fake a pregnancy and say this other lady's fiance was the daddy, which led to a nasty little lawsuit in 1995.
• 
  
• She's an Early Bloomer Jasmine started modeling at 14. By 17 she had, according to the London Evening Standard, stolen thousands of pounds from her mother to pay off menacing drug dealers, and even checked into five-star London hotels for three-day sex and drugs orgies, with bowls filled with high-grade cocaine," and once did a stint at the Priory alongside Kate Moss.
• 
  
• She's a Reality TV Villain Who Catfights Above Her Weight Class Jasmine was the "rich bitch" of Britain's Make Me a Supermodel's first season, causing supermodel host Rachel Hunter to muse aloud about wishing Lennard would get stung by a bee and die. Jasmine later got a job hosting an Make Me a Supermodel spin-off, but was fired for calling Hunter "Rachel Munter" (apparently it's a really bad word in England?) and "a fat bitch past her sell-by date who cost me winning the show" and "fat, spotty, and finished" and "I suggest she throws out the truckload of make-up she uses and hire a personal trainer."
• 
  
• She Dates Men and Women, Young and Old Paramours allegedly include Simon Cowell (while he was dating Terri Seymour), Hugh Grant, and Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson's on-again off-again "lesbian Don Juan" heiress girlfriend, who blew the whistle on Casey's alleged crime when she recognized Jasmine's panties on Casey and sent Lennard a text message:
  

  There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing—you need to call the police.

  Jasmine's not gay, it's just that she is just very beautiful, and so are her friends, so sometimes it's hard to resist:

  I meet a lot of beautiful girls working in the modelling industry and I prefer to look at them rather than men, sometimes. I'm not a lesbian. ... But being with a woman is a totally different sexual experience. They're soft, with curves, boobs and sensual lips.

• She Was Friends with Casey Johnson Until Casey, Like, Fell in Love with Her Isn't it so annoying when you take a drug-addled, emotionally damaged heiress under your wing, but she totally bites the hand that's feeding her, because she is such a hungry bitch and does not have as much self control with food as I do, because, gawd, I'm awesome:
  

  Since the day I met Casey, I have only been a good force in her life. ... I tried to get her off drugs and alcohol. ... I've given her money. I am the only person who helped this girl, and I believe she was obsessed with me, and thinks in her mind we had some kind of affair.

  This time she really messed with the wrong lady. I am going to teach her a lesson

• 
  
• She Enjoys Lollipops Jasmine was in Guy Richie-directed Revolver, where she shows her panties and satiates an oral fixation in a scene interspliced with a gory shoot-out.
• 
  

I think we've got ourselves a new holiday tradition, kids. And a round of applause, please, to Gawker video intern Rose Annis, who, at our request, took the much-beloved Christmas special - which was preempted so that ABC could air the President's West Point address - and made herself an awesome mashup. Not just anyone can get an assignment like "splice together Peanuts and the deployment of thirty thousand troops" and create a Christmas miracle.

Earlier: A Charlie Brown Christmas Will Not Air Tonight