Us
"Inside Her Family Tragedy." Honestly? Too sad to read about J. Hud's awful triple murders. Also, the latest news is that kid had his hand hacked off. What else was inside? Dancing With The Stars' Maksim Chmerkovskiy was quoted saying that his costars Lacey Schwimmer and Cheryl Burke needed to do something about their weight, but now he says that his words were taken out of context: "I want them to know that I wasn't calling them heavy, because they aren't." Lastly: Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are only going to be in five or six episode of the new season of Project Runway. Celebrities will fill in the rest of the time. Plus! Mood fabrics has an L.A. branch, but it was too far from the filming site, so producers "simply placed a Mood sign on a different storefront." WTF?
Grade: F (razor blade-filled apple)

Life & Style
"Carrie Calls Jessica Fat." Intern Margaret says, "It's not that there wasn't stuff in this magazine, it's just that the stuff in there made me want to vomit." Here's the deal: A "friend" of Carrie Underwood's said that Carrie has been sniping about Jessica Simpson's body. Carrie thinks Jess is attractive but wouldn't want to be "so buxom and top heavy." A "pal" of Jessica's says her current stylists don't know how to dress someone with big boobs. Jessica says: "I dress for men and myself. If I'm dressing for men, then I know it's good for myself." Um. Okay. Then the story spins off into a four-page battle of "skinny vs. curvy" — side by side pictures of women, sometimes battling themselves. The magazine talks to men — Zac Efron, Penn Badgley, Christian Siriano! — and asks them which they prefer. One guy actually says, "A hybrid of skinny and curvy would be the ultimate." It's such a mindfuck (Fig. 1, 2). Travis Barker had dinner with his daughter; he's out and about a little bit. There's a six page "exclusive" with Larry Birkhead called "Saying Goodbye To Anna Nicole." It involves staged pictures of Larry and baby Dannielynn packing up all the pink stuff in the house. They're moving because there's no backyard. Lastly, in a new section called "Dr. Rey's Casebook," Dr. Robert Rey from Dr. 90210 "weighs in on which A-list assets deserve top billing, and which ones could use a little work." He says Heather Graham needs a boob lift and Cameron Diaz would look better with Lindsay Lohan's chest.
Grade: D- (tooth brush)

In Touch
"Jen Looks Pregnant." Apparently it is cover-worthy news that some people think that Jennifer Aniston's tummy looks enlarged and she's been hiding it (Fig. 3). The magazine notes that "all of her friends have kids." Also, if it's John Mayer's baby, "it would explain why they are back together." Moving on: Reese is finally ready to marry Jake Gyllenhaal. A "pal" says she is "not a very spontaneous person" and the wedding will happen "in 2009." Very specific! There are two pages called "Why Won't Tom & Katie Put A Coat On Suri?" (Fig. 4). George Clooney is back with ex-gf Krista Allen because she is "independent" and "not clingy." A-Rod sent Madonna a 22-karat gold bracelet with a single charm that reads "bashert," which reads "meant to be" in Yiddish. They're planning to spend Thanksgiving together. Angelina went to Afghanistan on October 21 to visit refugees left homeless by the fighting against the Taliban as part of her work as a UN Goodwill Ambassador. She cried. Lastly, everyone in Hollywood is wearing the Black Halo Jackie O. dress (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (marshmallow "circus" peanuts)

OK!
"Wedding & New Baby In Weeks!" So, if Brad and Angie get hitched, it wouldn't be a "big, white affair" says a "family friend." It will be "very elegant, though" with "vows they write themselves." And it will either happen at the French chateau or in New Orleans. Expect no more than 25 guests: Jonny Lee Miller, Brad's mom and dad, James Haven. The same friend says, "To Brad and Angie, marriage is a piece of paper." Moving on: The story titled "Jen & Gerard's SEXY DATE" informs us that Ms. Aniston and Gerard Butler are in talks to star in a comedy together. Fourteen-year-old Mark Indelicato, who plays Justin on Ugly Betty, is gonna be Hannah Montana for Halloween. "I'm going to get a Hannah Montana T-shirt, the wig and the guitar that sings," he says. "It's going to be awesome." Oh, Tyra was a bully! "In elementary school, I was a mean girl," she says. "I would kick girls out of our group and make them go play with the non-popular kids. I was pretty bad." Nick Cannon was DJing a party in New York, and ten minutes into Nick's set, Mariah snuck out to talk to Donatella Versace. "She clearly wasn't into Nick's music at all," a source says. Page 59 asserts that Tina Fey's 3-year-old daughter Alice wears a $1300 Judith Ripka pearl necklace. Tina, say it ain't so! Or maybe it was a gift???
Grade: D+ (stale candy corn)

Star
"Angie's Humiliating Betrayal!" Brad Pitt has been flirting with his Inglourious Basterds costar, Diane Kruger. They were in Troy together, but she was married back then! Angelina is scared that Brad is gonna do to her what he did to Jen. Plus, Brad went on an Oktoberfest bender with Quentin Tarantino, which Quentin called their "whores and beer" night. There's no confirmation that whores were in attendance, btw. Brad came home super late and he and Angie got into a "screaming match." She told him she'd leave if he started up with Diane. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality starlet had a blonde moment and forgot to turn off her mic in the bathroom? No, the crew couldn't hear her flush, but they could hear her do a few lines of coke." Funny headline: "Parents To Miley: Don't End Up Like Jamie Lynn!" Another great headline: "Twin Peaks: Mary-Kate & Ashley Battle Over Matching Boob Jobs." Ashley Olsen wants to get implants, so she asked MK to get them at the same time, so it wouldn't be as obvious that she got work done. A source says: "That way they could say they both matured and are filling out naturally." They are 22. MK was horrified and said no way. They've already had nose jobs, btw (Fig. 6). Katie Holmes has a crush on her All My Sons costar, Patrick Wilson. He's married. Tom has bodyguards around Katie at all times; they spy on her and report back to him. Jennifer Aniston has hired a wedding planner! Last week she popped the question to John Mayer, now she's planning her ceremony. She says she's meeting with celebrity wedding planner Mindy Weiss to plan a 40th birthday party, but Star says Aniston's working on a beach wedding in Los Cabos, Mexico. She wants people doing tequila poppers and listening to a mariachi band. Jen wants to wear a simple white dress with flowers in her hair; a flowing "Mexican peasant" look. Coco Cox-Arquette will be the flower girl. Pete Wentz will be the best man. Lastly, there is a 5 page feature on laundry tips with pictures of stars picking up their dry cleaning.
Grade: C (generic chocolate bar)

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Boomp3.com

Pint size media mogul Ashley Olsen took further advantage of her mogul status as she cut through the line at LAX early on Tuesday morning. In addition to moving ahead in line, Olsen did not have to crawl on her hands and knees to breeze past the rest of the line. Olsen said, "Airport lint is hell on my jeans."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• The Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget [Comedy Central]

In fact, she was forced to do two separate interviews. Which, OK, so I understand that they want to start becoming individuals rather than this packaged twosome, but, um, isn't their business entirely based on the fact that they are sisters and, yes, twins? Their billion-dollar corporation, built on silly movies and books and TV shows and clothes that were very much about being twins, is called Dualstar for God's sake. I guess Mary-Kate has had some acting roles by herself and Ashley... Uh, Ashley probably does stuff alone, too. But c'mon. To her credit, Tell went on to call them "diminutive twins" anyway.

Before Bartha, Ashley was most recently linked to one ball wonder Lance Armstrong; prior to the bit part actor/bicyclist, the working twin had dalliances with Jared Leto before Lindsay Lohan stole him away. Most curiously, perhaps, was her brief sting dating the Prince of Annoyingness Wilmer Valderrama. The only pattern we see for our Ashley is the common presence of blue eyes (minus Wilmer), a solid but not intimidating bad boy rap sheet (minus Bartha, far as we know), and a general goal of dating the most random Hollywood outcasts in town. Were we not so envious of her newest paramour, we'd quite possibly applaud her diverse taste, even with Wilmer in the pack. Jared will always be Jordan Catalano in our eyes, no matter how much makeup he piles on.

MK has a wildly different (and yet unnervingly similar!) pattern of her own. Currently dating euro billionaire Lapo Elkann, the prunier Olsen counts artist/Uma Thurman cousin Max Snow and every Hollywood bimbo’s favorite throwaway make-out partner Stavros Niarchos among her ex-boyfriends. It seems MK’s requirements include long, mangy hair, an incredibly ambiguous “career” despite being labeled heirs, and guys who are afraid of showers. In the end, we get the sense that the more pragmatic and naive Ashley tends to chase after those who shoot excellent game and resemble knights in latex/guylighter/hair gelled armor, while MK has a far more pointed system: the dirtier, sleazier, greasier, and potentially damaging boys feed (hey, something has to feed her) her masochistic mania. Analysis complete.

[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• THEY CAN'T HIDE FROM US [NYP]

After making PETA's 2005 Worst Dressed List and earning particularly mean reason from the group's trademark bag of bitchy tricks, ("If she keeps on wearing fur and eating at Carl's Jr., she'll be back on the list next year as Star Jones."), Paris allegedly sat through animal torture videos from China and promised to stop wearing fur. As a reward, PETA removed the "heirhead" from next year's list. Christina Ricci followed a similar path after making the 2006 list, sitting through a Martha Stewart expose (shudder) on how mean it is to hurt the fuzzy wuzzies, and PETA obliged by removing her from the list as well. And the always crafty Lindsay Lohan managed to put a stop to her inclusion on the 06 list before its release date by assuring the PETA prez she was working on "weeding out" fur from her wardrobe. Too bad last month's whole fur bandit shenanigans didn't exactly make our favorite chic lesbian look like a woman who keeps her word.

As for those stars who've decided to fight back against all the haters at PETA, Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen have made the Worst Dressed List more than a few times, but quietly made their reactions known by including tons of animal fur in their clothing collection last year. As for the queen of Best Dressed Lists (just not PETA's), fur lover extraordinaire Kate Moss has continued to sport everything from beaver to rabbit to mink to who knows what kind of lizard skin onesies after hours despite PETA's threats and cutting remarks ("Nothing completes the transition from supermodel to super tramp like a fur coat.")

Bonus: Britney Spears, endless black hole of lovely surprises, was cut from PETA's poll earlier this year because, according to a PETA spokesperson, she "needed a break." While it doesn't quite fully endear us to the red paint sabotage army, we can't help but think that it's a positive gesture.

[Photo Credit: X17, Bauer-Griffin]

• TOP FIVE REASONS ONLY STUPID GIRLS BRAG ABOUT EATING MEAT [PETA Blog]
• EXCLUSIVE: PETA NAMES WORST DRESSED CELEBS OF 2008 [Us]

”Thin-twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are about to get some publicity that will have them running away faster than if they'd spotted a calorie...As the Olsen twins prepare to celebrate their 22nd birthday this Friday, they'll be getting some unusual 'gifts' in the mail... from countless young people who object to cruelty to animals.”

What the Olsens’ birthday present(s) will be from PETA and why, after the jump.

Rather than sending a months-long supply of trendy Detox lemon and maple syrup drinks to their 24/7 New York party palace, the animal lovers have recruited their junior committee, known as Peta2, to chop off their granola-laced dreadlocks and ship them to Casa Olsens by the truckload. As the LAT reports, the group's site has "posted a 'mission' on its highly trafficked web site, Peta2.com, urging young people to send the fur-wearing twins snippets of their own hair along with a note that reads, 'Please, use my hair instead of the animals.'" As brilliant and crafty as PETA may deem their master plan, we suspect the improvisational fashionistas will prune with delight after receiving the massive human hair delivery. Judging from their bizarre sartorial decisions in the past, look out for human hair earrings, human hair buttons and ties made out of narly dreadlock braids to appear on the pages of Vogue next month.

• OLSEN TWINS INCUR THE WRATH OF PETA [LAT]

What makes this particular game of bingo far more fun than usual is struggling to figure out which Olsen is which. And in an effort to help you out, we'll clue you in to the fact that Ashley, who hasn't clung to The Prune as obsessively as MK recently, appears only thrice in our montage. Let the guessing games begin!

[Photo credits: FilmMagic, Getty, Wireimage]

• SECRET OF THE OLSENS' SMILE? SAY 'PRUNE'! [MSNBC]

boomp3.com


A forlorn Mary Kate Olsen was seen entering a Century City parking lot and no, she wasn't upset because of how much she was going to have pay for parking. Olsen was more upset that she was photographed wearing what most would consider a rather normal outfit. Olsen asked if the photographer could come back in twenty minutes or so and she'll be wearing something wackier than what Bjork wore to the Oscars that one year. Yet the photographer persisted with his picture taking and explained that this is worth more money. Olsen sighed, then asked, "How do you know that I'm Mary Kate? Maybe, I'm the sane one. Ashley?" The photographer shrugged his shoulders and said, "Same difference."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

boomp3.com

The always fashion forward Mary Kate Olsen told reporters that she was running late and just threw on whatever she could find. Whatever she could find happened to be a patio chair and a piece of her cats' scratching post. Olsen told a reporter that she got caught up with her Blackberry and just lost track of time and she just thought that the scratching post looked really cool.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

First we have the blonder Ashley, who appears to be obeying every women's magazine advisory to apply sunscreen everywhere from your areolas to your inner wrists. But we're digging the squeezable thighs and the curvy tummy:

And though the more messy-haired Mary-Kate isn't quite revealing as much skin in these pics, we're pretty sure we spot an actual boob. Of the non-concave variety. We're also overjoyed to see that infamous back of hers, once featuring vertebrae so prominent you could open a bottle of Coors off them. All we see is a nicely tan rear with no signs of starvation.

But you tell us: are the Olsens officially hot, or have they just mildly improved?

[Photo Credits: Egotastic]

• MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN BIKINI PICTURES [Egotastic]

Now, however, Mary-Kate (right? Yeah, the Mary-Kate one) is making out with Sir Ben Kingsley in indies and landing showy roles on Weeds, so we'll assume she's the one we'd always thought was destined for bigger things than So Little Time and When in Rome. Above, find a promo clip for her new Showtime gig, which in a short 40-second runtime reinforces our feeling that the show's producers probably stunt-cast the best possible Olsen as their Jesus-freak pothead.

• First Look: Mary-Kate Olsen Joins the Cast of Weeds [YouTube]

"Mary-Kate has huge energy. She is very, very committed to her work," Kingsley told Access during a visit to the set.

We genuinely hope that Access took that quote out of context just for shock value, because we really can't bear to visualize Olsen, eager to prove that aforementioned commitment to her venerated scene partner, grabbing Kingsley's head and gnawing on his tongue like it's the first meal she's had in a week. But we're sure that whatever winds up on screen won't be nearly as bad as we've built it up to be.

• Ben Kingsley: Kissing & Telling About Mary-Kate [AH]

• Stamos Slurs Through Press Call [Breitbart.TV]
• ER star Stamos zoned out [Daily Telegraph AU]

Perhaps it was their tabloid ubiquity between their 18th and 21st years, a period during which they allegedly struggled with addiction, eating disorders, and experimental bag-lady fashions that has dampened the public's enthusiasm for this largely meaningless milestone, or that more spectacularly self-destructive peers have stolen the spotlight, but who can know for sure? We speak only for ourselves when we say that much of their intoxicating mystique was diminished back on January 28, 2005, when the still-conjoined pair seized control of their DualStar Corporation from longtime Svengali Robert Thorne, a move that allowed them to finally go through with the controversial surgical separation procedure the sage manager had long counseled against, freeing them to pursue a far less interesting range of solo pursuits.

• Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen [IMDb]
• Olsen Twins [Defamer]

· The trailer for Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's Grindhouse is circulating around the internets. And Rose McGowan has a machine gun for a leg. Not to get too reeled in by half a minute or so of teaser footage, but we might have to see this movie nine or ten times.
If looking at paparazzi photos of two Lost co-stars dry-humping (well, not-so-dry-humping) on the beach is something you've been waiting for, today is your lucky day,
This has always been one of our favorite New Pornographers songs, but now it has an even more special place in our hearts. And Bob Barker's too, we imagine. [via Fleshbot]
· Paris Hilton can't even get any respect on dirty, abandoned furniture.
· The Olsen twins move into the next phase of their corporate empire building, launching an e-commerce site where 'tweens can buy the same huge sunglasses and baglady-inspired fashions they themselves model on a daily basis.

Hyde — Monday night madness... Ok, so it's been a while since I ventured out of my garret bungalow beneath the bouganvilla draped stairs, nestled in West Hollywood, and boy did last night make up for lost time. I saw EVERYONE... well, maybe not everyone, but so many celebs! The nicest actress in the world : January Jones, totally sober, offering to give her buddies a ride home. Smokin' Monica Keena (back to blonde), and her usual male-harem, including Largo performing comic Kevin Seccia, and a tall strawberry blonde producer. The Mo-Ke gang was chillin' while Monica and Kirsten Dunst were having an old home week reunion. When I got back from the ladies' I had the pleasure(?) of seeing Brandon Davis and Paris Hilton (when you get sober, aren't you supposed to cool it with the heiress drinking buddies?) No one yelled 'firecrotch,' so I think it's safe to assume Lindsay wasn't even in the state... Last but not least, Lil' Miss Ragamuffin Mary Kate Olsen. So small, so draped in fabric.

The second report follows after the jump:

Nothing notable at the Roosevelt followed by what I thought would be a dud evening at Hyde. My friend told me to come to the bathroom with her and I almost resisted- when I walked in there she was.. Paris Hilton. I think she's much hotter in person- strikingly so.. wow. I was surprised Paris wasn't super thin- she's skinny but in a normal way. She was with a brunette of similar height/body- but I didn't recognize her. Amanda Demme was there and didn't seem as cold as my previous impressions of her. Kirsten Dunst walked past me and I didn't even notice- my friend had to point her out. On the way out one of the Olsen Twins was looking very emaciated & bag ladylike- grinding with one of the pillars as if it was a poll. I felt like I was watching Jon Benet (minus the makeup/hair) during the talent portion of a pageant- it just felt wrong!

Bonus roll call of famous-type people at Hyde on Friday night:

Brett Ratner, Nick, Jessica, Olsen Sister + Chris Rock + Kato Kaelin @ Hyde last night...it was the caricature night — fucking kato kaelin sighting made my night.

• Swinging Producers Ready To Shoot Fame-Seeking Fish In Tiny Nightclub Barrel [Defamer]
• Great Moments In Velvet Rope History: Hyde Turns Away Obnoxious Billionaire [Defamer]

David Judaken, who owns Mood, told TMZ Thursday: "Thanks to your investigative reports, we are under investigation by several agencies." Judaken added that since our reports authorities have complimented him on the club's vigilance. He said the woman who was busted Thursday had an exceptionally good fake ID. He said his club has a "zero tolerance policy," adding, "My security doesn't even recognize celebrities or care." It is unclear in the video if Cavallari was carded before entering.

Dubious statements about the club's doormen's inability to spot a infiltrating Lohan or Olsen notwithstanding, we can hardly blame the Mood staff for letting the 17-year-old slip by. Judging from the video of the arrest her "exceptionally good fake ID" was obviously supplemented by the kind of back-up breast work that defies a parental plastic surgery consent form, indicating that she was at least 18 or 19 and could go relatively unnoticed by authorities once inside.

• Bust at Hot Hollywood Club [TMZ.com]
• Previously: Breaking! Underage Stars Party At Hollywood Clubs! [Defamer]