OK!
Did a double issue last week so the editors could spend the holidays rereading the Twilight books, or ahem, doing some "reporting" on Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
Grade: Excused for religious holiday (Keeping the "Christ" in Christmas.)

Us
"Elin's Revenge"
Everyone at Us must have had visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads all week because the only new information in this story about Elin Nordegren divorcing Tiger Woods is this dud of a quote from her twin sister Josefin Nordegren: "It's been difficult because it's not something we can deal with in private... But we are doing our best." Snore. In other news, Angelina Jolie gave Jennifer Aniston a break this week and agreed to be the one who's "so lonely." Angie's sad because she has no mommy friends, but for some reason the source phrased that as "Angelina is hungry for normal moms to be around," which makes it sound like she's a mom-brain craving zombie. In "Better Without Makeup?" (image 6), we learn that 66 percent of Us readers think Lady Gaga is beautiful just the way she is. The same can not be said for Kim Kardashian. Finally, Us calls out the other tabloids for their bogus covers in "Fake News of the Year" (image 7). Too bad we already beat them to it.
Grade: F (All he wants for Christmas is his mistress.)

Life & Style
"Tiger And Elin Fight For The Kids"
This story retells Tiger Woods saga from the point of view of his two kids, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 10 months. The mag writes: "Sam and Charlie may be too young to grasp that at least 14 different women have now accused their father of cheating on their mother..." Lately Charlie's been pretty preoccupied with spitting up on himself and watching Backyardigans, so we can't argue with you there Life & Style. Ivana Trump, who has absolutely nothing to do with the Tiger Woods, tells the mag Elin Nordegren should be thankful that the kids are too young to read or watch scandal coverage. As for Elin, she's determined to divorce Tiger, even though Kultida Woods begged her not to. An insider explains, "Tiger's mom is from the old school, where women didn't leave their husbands over indiscretions and didn't take their children from their home... She tried to speak to Elin about keeping the family together, but Elin wasn't receptive at all." So Elin didn't want to turn a blind eye like a good '50s housewife? Shocking. Next: Us Weekly reported that Mickey Rourke is marrying Elena Kuletskaya in April, but they're not even dating. Were you aware that stars are just like us? Diddy is inappropriately obsessed with Jersey Shore too! He says, "I grew up with Italians when I went to school in the Bronx, so I've always been connected to Guidos. I'm saying the word in a positive sense. They're just cool and family-oriented and hilarious!" Be advised: Brad Pitt has gone 233 days without shaving (image 8). In closing, it seems Dr. Mehmet Oz knows the effect spending the holiday with the fam has on us, so he's shared this servicey little guide to curing holiday hangovers: (Image 9).
Grade: D- (Losing the deed to your platinum mine.)

In Touch
"REVENGE PREGNANCY"
For the 8,000th time this year, Angelina got pregnant to trap Brad in their loveless union. She has a "telltale bump" [of fabric] and sources say she's three months pregnant. This is putting a damper on Brad's plans to leave Angie for Jennifer Aniston. They've been hooking up secretly, yet the mag still figured out the exact time and location of their last rendez-vous: December 9 at 3:30pm on a secluded trail off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills. Jen told a friend it was "like their relationship had never ended," but someone from In Touch writes: "She wouldn't reveal whether she and Brad had a romantic encounter," which is apparently how the mag is referring to sex now. Meanwhile, Angie "will do anything to keep Brad around — and that includes planning a huge celebration for Zahara's 5th birthday on January 8, knowing that he would have to attend." Why else would a mother plan a birthday party for her 5-year-old daughter? Also plotting against her man: Britney Spears. She wants Jason Trawick to propose to her for real, not just on the cover of numerous tabloids, so she's been wearing five wedding rings to give him the hint (image 10). In strangely plausible news, In Touch claims that Tiger Woods is still hooking up his mistress Rachel Uchitel (she was on the receiving end of the most romantic of Tiger's dirty texts.) Rachel recently left her New York apartment and headed to Florida. She says she's spending the holidays with relatives, but she's been spotted out and about in the Florida town where Tiger's yacht is docked. A friend says, "They have been sleeping together the entire time since the scandal broke." Check out "Before They Were Famous," a.k.a. stars' original noses (image 11). Also, this may shock you, but Lady Gaga wasn't born wearing a see-through lace body-stocking (image 12). Next: A-Rod has been purposely playing the victim in the press since his breakup with Kate Hudson, and he made sure he was photographed looking glum on the night of the New York premiere of Nine. "His behavior really calls into question how authentic he was in the relationship to begin with," says clinical psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers. Really?! In "Weight Winners and Losers of the Year," we learn that Kelly Clarkson is a "loser" because she's gained weight and "seems more comfortable in her skin now than she was during her midriff-baring days on American Idol." We'll shame you yet, Kelly!
Grade: D (Thinking of all the fellas that you haven't kissed.)

Star
"Stars Without Makeup!"
This is just 10 pages of pre-holiday filler. Without makeup Jessica Simpson "looks like a completely different person," Jennifer Garner "looks like she's neglecting herself," and Kate Gosselin has the "look of exhaustion" all over her face (image 13). We preferred Us's gallery of humiliation, which was presented in one spread without catty commentary. Moving on: Jude Law and Sienna Miller had a pregnancy scare. Jude is such a gentlemen that he allowed Sienna to pee on a stick in his home, but it was a false alarm. A source claims there is a baby on the way for Bruce Willis and his wife Emma Heming. Bruce's rep said he's not aware of a pregnancy, but didn't exactly deny it. FYI: Don't view image 14 if you're eating. Hailey Glassman is dating Celebrity Boxing Federation promoter Damon Feldman, who says, "She's been very friendly. She's very classy." The phrase "Hailey get your pants on!" comes to mind. Obvious Blind item: Which closeted male celeb drew the suspicions of his A-list costar when he was just not that into their love scenes? She'd never met a straight man with no interest in her goods! Kim Kardashian has been looking at engagement rings with Reggie Bush. Her only requirement? That it be bigger that her sister Khloe's nine carat ring. "Khloe beat Kim to the altar, but Kim will beat her with the size of the ring," says a source. Audrina Patridge told her friends that she thinks it's only a matter of time before she gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they just laughed. One of Bret Michaels' hair extensions fell out while he was recording with Miley Cyrus. She saved the grungy lock and may frame it. In other news, Britney Spears called Kevin Federline in tears to canceled a visit with her boys because Jason Trawick demanded that they spend time together. Brit was so upset that she called off their engagement, which she pushed Jason into in the first place. Tiger Woods' "No. 1 mistress" Rachel Uchitel has been telling friends that she's two weeks late. She told Tiger and an insider says it "it scared the hell out of him" because "Rachel being pregnant could actually make his nightmare a whole lot worse." Rachel has been bragging to friends, saying that she sees having a "cub" with Tiger "as her meal ticket." Jennifer Aniston is still trying to adopt a Mexican baby with Brad Pitt's' help, but Star writes, "in the meantime, she's sowing her wild oats all over Hollywood." The mag claims she's dating Sam Rockwell, Josh Groban, and Josh Hopkins of Cougar Town, who Courteney Cox brought to Jen's holiday party. A source says they exchanged numbers so later "Jen picked up the phone and asked Josh to come to her chili cook-off party." Finally, "Jersey Shore Drug Scandal!" In an interview with her local paper, Jenny "J-WOWW" Farley admits the guys on the show are "heavily into steroids... injecting whatever it could be into their system that will make them bigger and better looking." But, it's much worse than we suspected: The kids are also injecting self-tanner. J-WOWW says the girls take human growth hormone and "they inject tanner into their bodies... just like steroids, to get the perfect color skin. I've seen people go far beyond the extremes that were portrayed on the show."
Grade: D+ (There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas.)

1. "They will spend Christmas morning together with their child/ren, opening gifts and having a family breakfast of pancakes and hot cocoa. Sweet, right? Not really. Their Christmas present to each other is several uninterrupted hours in the guest quarters with their "other partner" on Christmas Day. So it will look like the family spent all day together – with a stream of friends coming and going during the day – while there's actually a carefully scheduled series of merry making in the guest house." [Blind Gossip]

2. "So this female Real reality star was out shopping on Sunday and standing in line with what my source said was an incredibly hot guy. Anyway, who she was with is not really the point of this, but just an added bonus. Anyway, the point is our reality star who has even had her own show was talking on her cell phone in a very, very loud voice. This was annoying to the other 20 people in line, but not as annoying as the way she was talking on the phone. It was described as the most superficial, high pitched squeaky phone call of all time and everyone in line was cringing. The guy with her was apparently used to it and his main job appeared to be carrying things for the reality star. Well, as the line progresses she is so absorbed in her own world and her own call that she fails to see an elderly man in front of her who has bent over to retrieve something. Not seeing anyone in front of her, our reality star pushes by the guy, knocking him to the floor and walks up to the register. Meanwhile the people behind her help the man back to his feet. Our reality star continued to chat very very loudly the entire time at the register and as she walked out the door." [CDaN]

3. "This very gorgeous and very voluptuous singer is thinking of switching religions. She thinks her music isn't getting enough hype and that by subtly declaring she is joining a spiritual group quite popular in Hollywood, she'll get some more press. Hey, it beats fake relationships and breakups! Not Beyonce." [BuzzFoto]

This is a good thing for Starz!, which is trying to turn itself into the new HBO with lots of highbrow original content, and Albrecht, who has flailed every since being ousted by Time Warner share holders almost three years ago.

Albrecht was asked to step down from his post as head of HBO in 2007 after reports surfaced that he beat his girlfriend in front of a casino. He started at HBO in 1985 and had a hand in bringing us The Sopranos, Sex and the City, The Wire, and every other show you love that was not TV, it was HBO. At the time, he said the incident stemmed from a relapse of his alcohlism. The girlfriend in question didn't press charges and later married him.

She forgave him, and so has the industry! After leaving HBO, Albrecht headed IMG Global Media and started Foresee Entertainment, a production company that sold a fashion-based drama to Starz! They must have liked it so much, they they brought Albrecht on board to run the whole show. We can't wait until he's up on stage accepting Emmys for the channel in 2014. We promise not to make any jokes about him choking the golden lady. OK, maybe not.

[Image via Getty]

1. "A bunch of stars were at a party over the weekend. They were all supposed to bring gifts for a sort of 'white elephant' exchange. One of the stars (a C list actress) took the 'white' part a little too literally. They brought three little packages of white powder, neatly wrapped in Christmas ribbon and tied with a candy cane. Because there were children at the party, most of the guests were offended and asked the actress to leave. Not Rachel Bilson." [BuzzFoto]

2. "This actress is expecting a very special gift of jewelry soon from her actor boyfriend. After all, they've been dating for a while, they've met each others' families, and they each get more press together than either one would get alone. So, it's reasonable to expect that an engagement ring would be forthcoming, right? Um, yes, but not to her. The engagement ring is going to his very special boyfriend, who has been forced to lurk in the shadows for several years now. Oh, our actress might get a ring too, but although the jewelry may be real, all involved are very clear that the hetero sentiment is totally fake. Yes, she knows all about the other guy, and she knows that she plays a distant second to him, but she also really loves how the fake relationship boosts her image and her income. We personally think that a three-stone ring would be most appropriate. Not to symbolize their past, present and future love for each other, but to symbolize all three of the people in the relationship." [Blind Gossip]

3. "So, this A list singer who is married to an A list movie actress was in a music store over the weekend and was looking at guitars and trying some of them out. Also in the store at the same time was a teenager who was looking at effects pedals. The specific one the kid was looking at cost about $500 which is pretty pricey for a pedal. Anyway our singer and the teen talked for awhile and then the singer ended up buying a guitar for himself. While he was at the counter paying he told the cashier to also charge the effects pedal to his credit card and to tell the teen Merry Christmas." [CDaN]

4. "Which knock out party girl, a mistress of a huge sports star, has her lips plumped at the SmoothMED clinic on East 59th Street?" [P6]

5. "Which lady who recently filed for divorce is trying to lure her husband to a Christmas reunion? Friends suspect she hopes to generate footage for a reality show." [P6]

1. "Which sometime emaciated Hollywood A-lister is demanding that her people step up her arrangement with her current actor beau so that they get engaged quite soon, to help with publicity for her next movie? While he went along with the contracted relationship quite happily his star is rising fast enough for him to have second thoughts about the next step."> [PopBitch]

2. "Which geeky actor from a popular TV show tried to pull a fast one on an established retailer? Several months ago, he set his sites on a particular item and asked the retailer if he could have it. They told him that although they would not simply gift it to him, they were willing to entertain a reasonable offer for it. He never made an offer. A few months later, he came back, wanting the same item again. This time, he fired off an angry email, claiming that the item was stolen from him. Perhaps he theorized that they would believe him and simply hand the item over to him? The company took his claim seriously and began an investigation of the provenance of the item. However, when they asked him for any kind of legitimate proof that it was his, he realized that he was caught in a lie and quickly backed off. Then, instead of blowing the dust off his wallet and buying it, he began whining very publicly about it. We don't know if he will get sued for making defamatory statements, but his false accusations against the retailer – and subsequent public whining and playing the victim to gain sympathy – just make him look like a big jerk." [Blind Gossip]

So how do we talk about Brittany Murphy now?

In the final years of her too-short life (which ended with cardiac arrest late Sunday) Murphy was all saucer eyes and nervous energy, a toothy grin on the arm of one shady movie industry boyfriend after another. After multiple called-off engagements, she settled on Simon Monjack, the screenwriter husband and accused con man now raising eyebrows for trying to block her autopsy. Celebrity publications charted her weight fluctuations, speculated about eating disorders and drug use, and documented red carpet disasters and plastic surgery slip-ups.

There was a time, though, when Brittany Murphy's headlines were all about her promise—and until the bitter end, she fought to get back into the lead actress fold that had once seemed a given. After conquering regional acting circuits, Murphy and her mother threw themselves at the feet of Burbank's pilot season free-for-all, and the little girl from Edison, New Jersey scored one role after another, from the short-lived Drexel's Class to Blossom to Melrose Place and her breakout role in Clueless, where Murphy proved herself a talented comedian. The nervous energy was charming; the saucer eyes sweetly endearing.

But it took four years for her to deliver a successful cinematic follow up with small roles in darkly comedic Drop Dead Gorgeous and critical darling Girl, Interrupted, where Murphy demonstrated dramatic range playing an eating disordered incest victim.

One part of that character became prophetic: Shortly after Girl, Interrupted Brittany underwent a transformation from roly-poly brunette to a whippet-thin leading lady with the requisite blonde hair, heart-throb boyfriend (Just Married co-star Ashton Kutcher), and rumors about drug use and eating disorders. She steamrolled through a series of moderately successful (if generally forgettable) comedies, including Uptown Girls, in which Roger Ebert pinpointed Murphy's "divine ineptitude" (in the manner of "Lucille Ball") as the otherwise light movie's strongest suit.

It was a fine career, but it didn't sit right, and Murphy again changed tracks with roles in 8 Mile and Sin City—and a Maxim-approved "troublemaker" makeover—but her agent suddenly dropped her at what should have been a career turning point. Murphy was described as "hot and cold" and "difficult." She became a voicing staple (with leading vocal roles in Fox's King of the Hill and penguin movie Happy Feet) even as she fought for screen time in acting roles she eventually lost due to "creative differences" and being "problematic on set."

So how are Brittany's sometime detractors memorializing her now?

The Guardian's obit opens with potential unrealized:

It has become something of a Hollywood formality that any young woman actor fresh on the scene is pencilled in to play Janis Joplin sooner or later. Brittany Murphy, who has died aged 32 from cardiac arrest, was one of many performers over the years who were attached to some Joplin biopic or another.

In this case, it was Piece of My Heart, for which Murphy auditioned successfully in 1999, but which was never made.

E's Joal Ryan remembers a "rare," "erratic" career defined by what it was not: easy.

She was different. ... Different can mean "extremely difficult," as in the Murphy of a 2008 New York Post item. (According to the paper, Murphy required a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich-diagonally cut, no crusts-on the hour, every hour on the set of the just-released, if barely, thriller Across the Hall.)

Or it can mean "erratic" (per a 2004 MSNBC report on Murphy's behavior at a press junket for Uptown Girls), and "barely there" (per The Wrap on Murphy's behavior during the recently completed shoot for another thriller, Something Wicked.) ...

Or it can mean unique. As in uniquely talented.

CNN takes the euphemistic route:

Brittany Murphy, the bubbly, free-spirited actress who appeared in such films as Clueless and 8 Mile, died Sunday, apparently of natural causes...

The Atlantic's Alyssa Rosenberg remembers Clueless as a bittersweet high point:

The girls of my generation may have grown beyond their fleeting desire for knee-highs, and overalls are nowhere to be found in my wardrobe. But in a sense, Murphy never grew beyond her performance as Tai. To watch her in Clueless is to see her at her most joyful and at her funniest. ... Onscreen or off, she never quite surpassed the role that launched her career: the endearing and genuine newcomer...

But Brittany's most memorable postmortems will likely be of the tabloid variety: grisly details from the scene of her death, "sources" who come forward to say they saw it coming, speculation about "self-destruction," "enablers," and the price of fame. And so Brittany Murphy, it seems, will die as she lived: ambivalently, a public figure that no one ever quite figured out how to pin down.

1.) Wanda Sykes' Sarah Palin pop-up book

2.) Tyra's "big" holiday give-away show
First of all, she doesn't even give the presents to everyone in the audience, just one audience member per gift. Secondly, she sounds more like she's on the street corner trying to sell us shit that fell off the back of a truck.

3.) These shirts:

4.) Tuna

5.) Same shit, different drunks
I missed the first two episodes of the new season of Bad Girls Club while away on vacation, but I caught the new one that aired this week, and it seems like I didn't miss much.

6.) Extreme Bathrooms
There was actually an hour-long show all about "extreme" bathrooms. I watched the whole thing, because it seemed like a Homer Simpson-y thing to do, but it was basically all like this:

7.) Babs
I don't know if it's all the years on television and all the awards she's received, or the onset of dementia, but it seems like every time she speaks now—about anything—she expects everyone to be fascinated, or at least impressed, with what she's saying.

8.) That's my Mariah!

9.) Mom who grows weed
A woman sold her hair salon and asked her son how she should invest her money, and he bought her a piece of land and turned her into a medical marijuana farmer. She's enjoying it.

10.) Last-minute Christmas gift idea
The Shady Lady brothel has just added male prostitutes to its roster. The madam there is offering coupons.

Since it is both the male and the female's priority to mate, it would appear that casual and transactional intercourse would run rampant among the tribe, but that is not necessarily the case. Aside from the pure pleasure of physical company, the guido takes equal amount of pleasure in complicating the path to consummation. That way when the the mutual desire is finally realized it is even more intense than just laying down with one another after a night of flirting and making out.

The search for a suitable partner is as much like a hunt as it is any other activity, and like hyenas, female lions, and rare Apollonian jellyfish, these young people hunt in packs. Teams of two are the norm, but this puts them at an unfair advantage. When one member of the team is closing in for the kill on a suitable piece of meat both the male flankmate and the female lady in waiting are forced together, even if they don't want to be. This seems like an inefficient strategy, because one member of the pair is always going to less than satisfied.

Why can't they go and find their acceptable mates solo? That would mean that hooking up is a personal and private matter. The point is not only to enjoy the physical pleasure of togetherness, but also to display ones prowess in front of his or her peers. Therefore a hookup doesn't count unless a member of the same sex is there to witness it and ensure that the selected prey is suitable. Without peer approval, there is no conjugation.

Luring a woman back to a man's den usually relies on their wit, charm, appearance, and dancing skill, but getting them into bed requires something a little more technological: the Jacuzzi. It is like a warm brew of seminal fluid—a rooftop aphrodisiac—that melts all the inhibitions of the female and gets them to behave in spectacular ways, often dictated solely by the male. The male guido is insulated from the heat and the jets of this water wizard by his layers of testosterone-induced muscle and is therefore impervious to its powers. To amplify this, he eats the magic formula of champagne and potato chips, a concoction that will slow his digestion to a point that he will be able to metabolize the strange pheromones of the hot tub efficiently. Women know that as soon as they get in the Jacuzzi that they will make out with just about anything, including each other, so they resist its pull, but once they get there, they are as easily molded as a jar full of orange Play-Doh.

Eventually, the mind-altering affects of the Jacuzzi wear off and the men have to put their genies back in their bottles waiting for the next time they can get a little rub. With all this frustration it's amazing couples are formed, and when they do, the complications are just as difficult and numerous. Let us take a closer look at both the hunt and the kill, but first, we need to learn some simple terms so that we can understand the natives in their own language.

• Kid: A pejorative diminutive for a man the speaker does not like, especially one who is trying to pick up his girl or beat up his friend.
• My Girl: This is a magical incantation that once uttered by a man claims a woman as his. It means that he may not talk to, look at, or dance with another girl and she can not even be in the same room with a single man. It is both romantic and soul crushing.
• Legit: An adjective used to show that someone is sincerely engaging in an action and not doing it ironically or as a mean of manipulation.
• Smush: A sexual act where a man presses his penis—limp from too much booze and steroids—against the woman's vagina. It is considered to carry the same importance as intercourse even though no penetration occurrs. "Smushing" counts as scoring and if a man "smushes" with a female, he can still brag about the action to his friends.
• Business: Having sex. See alternative use "taking care of business."
• Hang Out: Having sex. Also spending time with a member of the opposite gender presuming that sexual activity will transpire.
• Fuck Around: This does not mean to hook up. It means to say one will do something with no intention of actually doing it, especially when it comes to "hanging out," "taking care of business," or getting into a Jacuzzi.
• "Waste My Time": When someone won't have sex with another person after "hanging out."
• House Music: The type of music that is perfect for "battling" (see below). When this type of music is played any dancing between members of the opposite sex, no matter how provocative, is deemed non-sexual.
• Battling: The style of dancing that accompanies house music. It entails first pumping, ground punching, arm throwing, random flailing, and aggressive movements of all stripes.
• Grinding: The sexual type of dancing which often leads to "business." It can not be done to house music, and is often only performed when R&B and other types of noise are being pumped out of the speakers at Karma.
• The Floor: The place where dancing occurs, usually used in conjunction with battling. It can be a hostile force, and sometimes the men must beat it with their fists in order to tenderize it for their movements.
• Grenade: We will get to this shortly.

Now, let us see just how these mating rituals go awry.

"We're Going Home": The problem with needing a "bro" to witness one's hook up is that he is also witness to humiliation. While it is perfectly acceptable to look for a condom and have sex with a girl in front of a friend and her friend, it is not OK to let the girls leave without giving up their delicate ladyflowers.

That is the problem with plying your dates with the magical powers of the Jacuzzi. Once the fumes wear off, the girls are a little muddled and make up stupid excuses to leave immediately, and when one goes, she will drag the other with her. Then both boys know that neither hooked up and are then deemed less virile by their cohorts. It is a sad, sad state of affairs, and one that The Situation and DJ Paulie Disgrace fall into with two girls who they take home.

Also, ladies, the period is a great excuse to keep your virtue intact after bathing in the psychotropic waters of the Jacuzzi. Like "puke breath" and most other bodily functions, the guidos are deathly afraid of menstrual blood. Using Aunt Flo as an excuse will not get them off you of your good, it will keep them from trying to put their pierced penis into your delicate parts.

While these girls go home to avoid being taken advantage of, Snooki gets so drunk that she can't even find her home. That means she has no excuse not to hook up with a man she is not attracted to. Since she can't get back to the house, they decide to sleep on the beach, which would be romantic if it weren't for all that sand and being awoken by a trash trailer combing the sand at dawn. Nothing says classy like getting so wasted you don't remember your address.

The Grenade: A "grenade" is an ugly girl who has partnered with an attractive girl for a group hunt. While one of the males gets with the attractive girl, the other has to fall on "the grenade" and absorb the impact so that his friend can claim a victory with his girl. As Pat Benatar said, love most certainly is a battlefield.

This is the situation that DJ Paulie Discharge finds himself in when The Situation fis in a situation with a girl and her nasty friend. These two ladies are certainly a handful. After leaving club Karma with them, The Sitch and DJPD ditch the pair for another set of girls in a Mercedes, because they were cuter. However, those girls were "wasting time" and "fucking around" and wouldn't get down to "business." When the first set of girls come back, The Situation and DJ Paulie Doubleface quickly ditch the girls they're with for the original pair.

Along with The Situation's brunette beauty comes her mean blond friend, and that is a problem. This sour puss is such a cruel sort that she ruins the night, not only for DJ Paulie Doubledate, but also for The Situation. Her friend is more than willing to get get down to "business," but she doesn't want to be left alone, and she is so ugly and busted that DJ Paulie is Dunzo. Once she feels neglected, she makes her friend leave with her. The Situation's situation looks bleak. Is he ever going to score? Maybe not until he separates from the group.

Beating up the Beat: As we learned before, dancing for the guido is not just a substitute for sex, but a prelude to it, even in its more violent form of "battling." It always gets ShamWOWW into trouble.

After her boyfriend hung up on her for touching DJ Paulie's D and ended their relationship, she has been trying to get back together with him. This has not stopped her from flirting or hooking up with anyone else, but she needs to feel claimed at all times. Without a boyfriend to betray, she won't feel the the guilt, shame, and excitement that comes with cheating on him, and that is what really gets her off. But in order to keep him, she must continue to deceive him (and herself) that her she has been faithful.

This is difficult when he sends a spy. This agent is a very clever interloper who not only observes his target, but even picks up Sneaky so he can break into the group's inner circle. Once with Snickers, he watches ShamWOWW grind and battle on different men and reports back to her boyfriend. This makes him hang up on her again, possibly ending their relationship again. She is going to try to get him back, but the drama that accompanies her relationship limbo is fuel to her. It allows her unfettered access to other men and will also create more drama when and if she reconnects with her boyfriend. It is the ideal situation for the conflict vampire.

Snooki is also an accomplished dancer, but instead of being subtle, she prefers a more advertorial approach. She does flips and spins in a very short skirt and a thong, showing of the very part of the anatomy that the men in the crowd are looking to invade. It is a brazen approach, but one with proven results. The difficulty is that it only seems to attract chubby men who know more about jiggle than "juice." However, Snooki seems willing to make out with just about anyone, so she doesn't mind too much.

Fireworks: While complications do arise, often a couple is made, like Sammi So-So and Ronnie. Like a hot sword is plunged into water to cure it and make it solid, so must a new union be drowned in conflict.

Sammi is a Helen of Troy type who needs to have men fight over her. That is why at Bamboo she flirts with Mike the Cop. If Ronnie really takes her seriously, he will fight for her and get upset with her. She counters his anger by being pissed that he left with ShamWOWW. Everyone knows what a slut ShamWOWW is and going anywhere with her unaccompanied could lead to relations at any moment. However, Ronnie resisted the temptation. Once she has proven that he will fight for her and he will not be tempted by obvious skanks, Sammi must go through a period of dejection to test how he will handle her in dark times. When he sticks by her and still thinks she is special ("Oh, Ronnie?!"), he has finished the seven labors of Hercules and can now muscle his way into her Mount Olympus.

This is treacherous path that a guido must walk to love. It is full of deceit, manipulation, and trial, but it is worth it, because once he reaches the promised land, his lady love is not afraid of having sex. Other reality show girls will hide behind the covers and demure from having intercourse, but Sammi So-So is not afraid to tell the whole world she did it. Not only is she unashamed, but she celebrates it. Congratulations, Ronnie, you are the first man to "take care of business" in the house.

The Punch: Yes, this was the episode that was supposed to include the Snooki punch heard round the world. The most shocking thing about this scene was not the absence of the punch, but the presence of Vinny, a young man with very manicured eyebrows who supposedly lives in the house with everyone else. Up until this point we thought he was Laslo, the mad scientist that reportedly lives in Val Kilmer's closet in Real Genius who we never see, but comes through in the clutch.

In this case the clutch is when Snooki gets punched by a drunk asshole at a bar over an altercation concerning some shots. We have all seen this punch in promos and on countless animated gifs circling the internet, but MTV chose not to air it, instead cutting to a black screen for the impact and then showing the immediate aftermath and the man getting arrested.

Watching this scene is sort of like tonguing an empty socket after a wisdom tooth has been removed. We know what was there before and what should be there, but instead we just get some vast emptiness that is a little bit dry and foreign and just seems altogether wrong. And for MTV to pull the clip now is kind of hypocritical. They're basically saying that it was wrong to market the show with the clip in the first place. Instead of showing the punch and trying to show just how horrible and vicious violence is and the immediate negative effects it has on both parties involved, we get darkness. Now that the network fooled everyone into watch, they decide not to show it. It's kind of like a girl who will show you her tits at the bar but won't put out when you take her home. Either go tawdry all the way or don't go tawdry at all.

In guido culture though, a man hitting a girl seems to be the ultimate offense, and every man in the bar piles on the offender to get their own punches in. Even ShamWOWW, who hasn't ever met a man she couldn't eviscerate, joins in the fray.

So, the punch has come and gone, but we have yet to see how Snooki is going to be the next day. We hope that her poof hasn't been deflated at all!

Native Tongue:

Ronnie: "I'm going to get at her so bad. I'm going to eat her alive, bro."

Sammi: "It's like goo-goo, ga-ga all over each other at the beginning, then you get real comfortable, and then shit goes down where you can't even deal with each other."

Sammi: "You think this is a game? This is no game, Ronnie."

The Situation: "A bra is the same as a bathing suit."

The Situation: "We're going to have sex. That's the situation."

The Situation: "I'm like, 'Chill out, Freckles McGee.'"

JWOWW: "I could have been like peace, fuck you, I'm gonna go do me."

The Situation:"If you're not hitting the gym for an hour or so, then you'll have a problem, because I'm at the gym for an hour and a half. I'm working on my fitness."

Ronnie: Mike [The Situation] would bang a Gatorade bottle at this point."

Snooki: "The friggin' duck phone."

JWOWW: "This little shrimp thing is bopping around in a circle."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to waste my time and take home a girl who just wants to hang out. I just want to get down to the business. You line it up, then you move on."

The Situation: "They were nice and all, I just wanted to fool around."

DJ Paulie D: "Women are definitely a game. It's like a business. There are rules to it. Boys take care of boys."

Mean Blond Girl: "This is a sick hot tub, if it was hot. It's a sick tub."

JWOWW: "Just because you see our faces close doesn't mean we're fucking around with each other."

Snooki's Mom: "It's a little dirty."
Snooki: "It's the Jersey Shore."

The web has come alive with Best Film of the Decade lists. Unlike Best of the Year lists, where the same dozen or so films appear again and again, Best of the Decades are where a list-making critic can really take wings and fly, revealing their inner soul through their choices. Are you a Lost in Translation type or a Memento -ite? The choice says everything, and nothing, about the list makers.

So what we've done is added up all the Best lists we could find online — from the New Yorker to spitefulcritic.com; anywhere where people had made a list. We gave each film a point for every inclusion on every top ten list. Some lists made it a bit difficult, doing say an unordered top 15's, but we've included as much as we can to try and get an accurate count.

Also in the case of multi-film series, such as Lord of the Rings or the Bourne films, some critics placed the entire series on the list, some cast their votes for the individual films.

And when the votes were all in, by a nose, There Will Be Blood stood alone at the top of the decade, its straw in the whole damn cinema's milkshake.

Some other interesting findings:

• Really this has to be considered a huge moral victory for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Barely noticed by Oscar, relatively little discussed so many years later, the Gondry/Charlie Kaufman film came just one vote away from taking the entire decade.
• When one looks at how spread out the voting is, one can't help but see how few consensus masterpieces there were in this decade. A mere 11 films get more than 5 votes.
• Perhaps the most discussed filmmaker of the decade, Michael Moore, barely registers, getting just two votes for Farenheit 9/11 and one for Bowling for Columbine.
• Many of the decades other high profile auteurs also barely crack the list: No Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino gets higher than the four vote level. Judd Apatow and Alexander Payne fail to rise above three votes. Clint Eastwood and David Cronenberg above two. Steven Speilberg bizarrely scores a high ranking in the voting only because of Catch Me If You Can, which inexplicably received six votes for a highly forgettable film. Other than that, no Speilberg film received more than a single vote.
• The highest grossing series of the decade, the Harry Potter films, gets body-slammed by the listmakers with just one vote.
• If the Pixar movies had been one series, it would have won the decade. Easily.
• Foreign films predictably are largely ignored by the listmakers. Brazil's City of God is the highest ranking with six votes.
• This was a rough decade for comedy, with very few films seemingly entering the canon. The highest ranking and thereby best comedies of the decade are 40 Year Old Virgin and Anchorman, each of which scored three votes.

Overall certainly no one could say that masterpieces were pouring out of every crevice during the zeroes. But looking at the list overall, one can feel mildly content that there were in fact a pretty large number of pretty decent films over the last ten years. We can close the door on a decade of tumult saying in the cinema front at least, if not in the peace and economic stability front, the 00's can go home feeling content about a job well done.

Below is the tally of votes, in order of their place of finish:

12 Votes
There Will Be Blood

11 Votes
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Lord of the Rings films,

10 Votes
No Country For Old Men

8 Votes
Memento

7 Votes
Brokeback Mountain, The Dark Knight,

6 Votes
Almost Famous, Catch Me If You Can, Pan's Labyrinth, Wall-E

5 Votes
City of God, The Departed, The Incredibles

4 Votes
Cache, Gladiator, Kill Bill,The Lives of Others, Lost in Translation, Royal Tennenbaums

3 Votes
The 40 Year Old Virgin, Amelie, Anchorman, The Bourne Series, Finding Nemo, Mullholland Drive, Sideways, Slumdog Millionaire, The White Ribbon, You Can Count on Me

2 Votes
25th Hour, Adaptation, Amores Perros, Borat , Capturing the Friedmans
Casino Royale, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Fahernheit 9/11, Far From Heaven, A History of Violence, Inglorious Basterds, Mystic River, The New World, O Brother Where Art Thou, The Son, Spirited Away, Team America, Together, Werckmeister Harmonies, What Time is it there?, The Wrestler

1 Vote
2046,300, AI, American Splendor,The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford ,The Baader Meinhoff Complex, Bad Education, Battle in Heaven, The Beat that My Heart Skipped, Before Sunset, Best of Youth, Beau Travail, Bloody Sunday, Bowling for Columbine, La Commune, Crash ,Dead Man's Shoes, The Descent, Divine Intervention, Donnie Darko, Downfall, The Fog of War, The Fountain, Four Months, Three Weeks and Two Days, Funny People, Grizzly Man, The Harry Potter series, Hunger, Hustle and Flow, Inland Empire, Into the Wild, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Knocked Up, Last King of Scotland, Let the Right One In, Letters From Iwo Jima, The Life Aquatic, Little Miss Sunshine, Master and Commander, Metallica, Some Kind of Monster, Million Dollar Baby, Millions, Monster, Monsters Ball, Moulin Rouge, Ocean's Eleven, The Passion of the Christ,The Pianist,Ratatouille, Red Road, Requiem for a Dream, Superbad, Talk to Her, Time of the Wolf, Transformers, Traffic, United 93, The Queen, Wet Hot American Summer, Y Tu Mama Tambien ,Zatoichi, Zodiac

The Source Lists:
Drew Mcgary, NBC Bay Area, Paste Magazine, The Times of London, The Onion AV Club, Popdose, Hollywood Reporter, Houstonian, Entertainment Weekly, Total Film Editor in Chief, Total Film Readers, L Magazine, Jonathan Fuhrman: Mediaite, Global Comment, Rolling Stone, IDS News, Zero For Conduct, TV Guide, True Slant, IMDB top rated, Stylus Magazine, The Telegraph, Orlando Sentinel, Moviefone, David Denby: The New Yorker, Reel Loop, richardrushfield.com, Spiteful Critic,

1. "This Former American Idol has fallen into a very bad habit. Very bad indeed. Not only are they heavily into drugs (which really isn't a secret), we've heard a rumor that they are now selling themselves to get money to pay for the drugs. Very sad. Not Katharine McPhee." [BuzzFoto]

2. "This might just be a first. This C list movie actress who has fallen from grace was seeing a guy on and off about six months ago. He wasn't the only person she was dating but he is for sure the one who got her pregnant. Not for the first time our actress had a procedure and she was no longer pregnant. Fast forward to three weeks ago when a sister of our actress had the same procedure and it was the result of her being with the same guy who had impregnated our actress." [CDaN]

3. "This a traditional 'shopping' weekend for this established celebrity couple. She will likely be combing the aisles of every exclusive store, looking for that perfect flat panel TV or watch or digital camera or set of golf clubs for him. He will be busy too, but not in the way you think. Since he must keep up appearances by spending the holiday with his family, his boyfriend gets this weekend. Our star will be very busy instructing him on how to properly unwrap and handle his gift. Don't worry about his SO, though. His assistant will pick out a very nice gift for her—as is done every year—and she will feign excitement over her gift and their lovely and picture-perfect Christmas. We can't wait for the photos of the whole family gathered around the tree, smiling, smiling, smiling. Fake, fake, fake!" [Blind Gossip]

One of my pet theories about the mystique surrounding Nikki Finke — beyond her own exquisite ability to involve herself in every story she writes on her site — is that she has intentionally or not devised an ingenious strategy of dealing with the people who write about her. Journalists tend to be naturally concilliatory creatures. As they report and write their stories, they try to negotiate middle-ground ways to say things so that they have plenty of cover when their sources get upset after they publish. Finke, backed by a reputation of being fairly litigious, slyly plays into this trait by barraging anyone who's taken on the task of writing about her with so many complaints, insults, and veiled threats that the "middle ground" becomes her side of the ledger. And then, she shits on the writer anyway. It's pretty effective.

Anyway, Nikki Finke has been pretty upset with Gawker's coverage of her over the last few months. To recap:

• In June I scoffed at the anonymously sourced reports that she had sold her blog to Jay Penske's Mail.com for $15 million. Later stories which she's cooperated with have confirmed what my source told me at the time.
• In September, John Cook tallied up the frequent number of times that Finke has called in sick to the readers of her site. As I happened to be on vacation at the time he posted that, I was somewhat sympathetic with her gripes about that one.
• In October, Ryan Tate wrote about her niche-sized traffic stats pegged to the fact that her site, which she moved from Deadlinehollywooddaily.com to Deadline.com after her deal with Penske, had just gone on Quantcast, the traffic-counting service that we consider the gold-standard for stats.
• That same day, we offered a $1,000 bounty for a recent picture of Finke because the only ones we've only ever seen two, and certainly someone must have a photo laying around that's been taken since the turn of the millenium? That prize remains unclaimed. (Have a snap? Please email me!)
• A few weeks later, John got a pretty excellent catch in his RSS reader showing Finke changing a box office report on Michael Jackson concert doc This Is It showed how she went from "extraordinary" to "disappointing" after she heard some spin from a rival studio.
• And then, in November when Finke's great scoop about Oprah Winfrey quitting her syndicated show panned out, a tipster pointed out to John that a transcript of Winfrey's announcement that Finke posted had been cut and pasted from a Chicago Tribune blogger.

So that brings us to today. When she posted a press release claiming that "Deadline.com's Deadline/Hollywood by Nikki Finke now has a larger readership than Variety and The Hollywood Reporter combined," I was intrigued. The release cites figures from comScore claiming that Deadline.com had 1.1 million uniques in November, compared to 515,000 at Variety.com and 336,000 at HollywoodReporter.com. But different services can give wildly different counts and Compete.com actually has Variety.com over Deadline.com for November.

There is no doubt that Finke had a great November. And Quantcast's monthly uniques are roughly in line with comScore's but their daily figures (see the chart at the top) suggest that much of it was driven by that Oprah spike and her numbers will come back down pretty soon. On Nov. 23, her best day according to Quantcast (see the chart at top), she had 330,000 unique visitors. But since then, traffic has settled back down under 100,000, which is roughly the territory where Quantcast puts Finke's trade competitors. There's nothing wrong with making traffic boasts, but seeing as how the data wasn't as clear cut as Finke's press release made it sound, I passed on posting an item about it.

She, of course, saw this as a personal slight, sending in an angry email falsely accusing Ryan of using the wrong numbers in his traffic item back in October (he used the right ones) and never calling her for comment (we have).

A semi-heated exchange ensued. And when I started writing this, I had planned on posting the whole thing. But now it just seems so tiresome. See how Finke's magic works?

P.S. Nikki: I sent you an invite to comment. It will make you a star commenter and anything you post will go straight onto the site.

It happened at Broken Embraces and again at Up in the Air and even last night at a 10pm showing of A Single Man, all the yahoos in a packed but tiny theater put me in such a bad mood that I could barely concentrate on the film. Especially here in New York where even buying a ticket days in advance and arriving 45 minutes early may not be enough to guarantee you a good spot on opening weekend. So, everyone, here are the rules. If you can not follow them, then you have to sit in the aisle or wait for everything to come out on DVD and leave the theater for civilized folk.

• The party for whom the seat is saved must be in the theater. In this age of Fandango, you can't buy tickets for all of your friends, and then send one person early to stake out eight chairs while the rest of the party lollygags about and takes their time getting there. If you are too lazy to get to the theater early, you don't deserve a better seat than everyone who can just because you have someone foolish enough to do your dirty work. This, above all else, is the number one rule.
• 
  
• A seat with a coat or bag on it is taken. The universal sign for "this seat is being saved" is a coat and/or bag placed in the seat. Don't shout over seven people, "Is that seat taken?" if there is a coat in it, because the answer is yes, you idiot. To keep the enforcement of this rule consistent, it means your coat and/or bag does not get a seat for a movie ever. You bought one ticket, you and all your shit only gets to use one seat.
• 
  
• The only acceptable place to go is to get popcorn or use the toilet. You are not allowed to go make a phone call or wander around or do anything else crazy and, see above, the person must be in the building.
• 
  
• You can only save one seat at a time. That is the absolute limit. If there is two of you, then one must go about his business while the other saves the seat. Once he returns, switch roles. If you are with a larger group, only one party can go at a time. Five people can't all go to get movie nachos and use the toilet while one person perches over your person movie fiefdom and shouts "all the seats as far as the eye can see are taken!"
• 
  
• No, I will not move over. Sorry, but my friends and I got here before you and, due to the first-come-first-serve nature of movie houses, we get to pick where we sit. We know there are free seats around us, and we have chosen not to move. We will not pick up all of our stuff and our concessions to move over so there will be two empty spots together and you can sit next to your boyfriend. As the holders of these seats, it is our prerogative to do so. If you got here after us, then you have to deal with the seats that are left. If you don't like it, well, you should have arrived earlier.
• 
  
• No, I will not watch your stuff. If you come to the movie alone, do not drag me into saving your seat for you while you leave the theater. I am not your slave. It sucks, but you're going to have to pee and get our Twizzlers before selecting your seat. If you don't like it, then get a friend or hire an escort to go to the movies with you and one of you can save a seat—following these rules of course.
• 
  
• Don't ask me if a seat is free. If there is no body, coat, or bag in a seat, it is free. Do not ask me if it is free. If it looks empty, then it is. If you want it, it's yours. Also, just cause I'm sitting next to it, don't ask my permission to sit there. I do not own that seat. No one does. It is empty and it is a free country. If you want it, sit your fat ass down and leave us alone. We're trying to enjoy a movie.
• 
  
• When the previews start, any save is voided. The seat saving window is closed. This wouldn't have to be strictly enforced except for the Fandango bandits who are hold spots for people not even in the theater yet, while others wander about in the dark spilling popcorn and knocking over our drinks and going "Is this seat taken?" while we're trying to find out about the new Woody Allen movie.
• 
  

Thank you for listening, and see you at the movies.

[Image via Getty]

Uh oh, Pepper looks pissed. And Tony looks alone. What happened to all his friends?

Garry Shandling makes his big debut as Senator Stern, so Tony mocks him, naturally.

See Tony is alone. Empty chairs. Empty soul. It's lonely at the top.

But wait, it's Rhodey, he's back...and he looks pissed. And who's that to Rhodey's left? It's Sam Rockwell, as Justin Hammer. Did they walk in together? And where did Pepper go? Where's Happy?

Same sexual chemistry between Pepper and Tony, check. But then again I think RDJ is so charming he could have chemistry with a lamp post... lucky lamp post.

Iron Man is America, and a rock star. And look in the background — it's the Iron Man dancers, thus proving the slutty Halloween rule to be true: any outfit can be made whorish.

These gloves could very well be the best little party favors ever. Please hand these out at Comic Con!

Whiplash is obsessed. See? See? He has newspaper clippings. And newspaper clipping are to stalkers what glasses are to shy mousy girls with a hot girl dying to get out inside: stereotypical. But let's assume that since he's spent so much time cataloguing the family story, that this grudge may go way, way back. Since he's had time to make a scrap book.

Who hit Tony?

The garage is all cleaned up and stocked with new rich guy toys. Bruce Wayne who?

What is happening to Tony's neck?

Yikes it's spreading. Tony is literally turning into an Iron Man. Also, he could be turning into a human computer, which has happened in the Iron Man comics before.

More Justin Hammer, and in perfect timing with Whiplash's "shark" comment.

Nick Fury just wants to get motherfucking Tony onto the motherfucking team.

More Iron Man-ettes. I suspect this may be a banner year for the cosplay fans.

Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff in her Black Widow "business casual" attire.

War Machine prototype!

Is the Black Widow working for Rhodey? Is that her in the background?

Black Widow in her ass kicking attire, is she beating up Happy? I bet Jon Favreau just loved that.

Whiplash finally shows us what his lightsaber whips can do — which is break Tony's car.

Which he does.

I'm still not sold on the Whiplash outfit, but it does look pretty bad ass from behind.

Uh oh — will Tony be Whiplashed in half, or will the bad guy just show off some more? Answer: Show off.

Whiplash has nasty metal mouth.

What is this flying contraption? It looks like it's shooting at Iron Man? Multiple Mecha suits?

A first look at War Machine, and Tony's new suit, with a triangle chest plate. Is this due to the metal veins? Also the background is filled with power suits, almost like an Armor War...

War Machine and Tony fight other mechas and you get a faceful of War Machines shoulder gun, and Tony's fully reconstructed suit, Mark VI. Very nice. So who thinks they are filming the Armor Wars story?

1. "This A list actor has always dated the most beautiful girls in the world. These girls are his beards. He actually prefers skinny boys. His latest flame is a boy who was involved in a European scandal involving starlets, drugs and high class prostitution. Scandal Boy recently shipped out to Los Angeles so that he could be at the beck and call of our actor." [Blind Gossip]

2. "This B- list actress from a show that was recently dropped is engaged. The thing is though no paps or tabloids care enough to actually ask her anything about it. This is just not acceptable to her so she has personally started telling every pap she runs into about her engagement but they still don't care to write about it or mention it. This is a direct result of her always being difficult to them in the past so they don't feel like doing her any favors." [CDaN]

3. "This new momma is suffering from a little of the ‘baby-blues.' Instead of her partner being supportive, he is being a total jerk. He tells her to 'snap out of it' and 'stop feeling sorry for herself.' He makes her do all the work with the infant and is constantly criticizing her and making fun of her if she doesn't get dressed and made up in the morning. Not Sarah Michelle Gellar." [BuzzFoto]

A Real Life Jersey Shore Protest [FourFour]

Related: New 'Nine' Trailer: Anyone Rooting For A Kate Hudson Comeback? [EW]

The entertainment industry runs on freebies; gift bags filled with fur-lined DVD players and diamond-studded iPod holders, private jet rides to Cannes, dinners paid for by your agent or producer. If you are anyone in Hollywood, the world lines up to hand over its goods on a platinum platter. And in Hollywood, being handed a check is akin to being served notice that the world is wondering when you are going to remove your stinking carcass from its immaculately scrubbed foyer.

Today, The Wrap reports on the fallout from CAA's ultimate power move. A year ago, the uber-agency decided fatefully to make its guests pay for their own parking, a shot across the bow akin to making visitors sign a declaration that they are nothing, not even insects, before the might talent agency. Apparently, the Wrap has learned, the move saved the agency $800,000 this year in validations.

What are they doing with that $800,000 in blood money? Buying miles of rain forest or opening a new convalescence home for elderly development executives? Perhaps investing in a decent script for client Reese Witherspoon?

No, according to The Wrap, this draconian cutback comes in the face of massive bonuses this year. It seems the agency is planning, more or less, to take Hollywood's parking fees and give them to their agents in the form of one-thousand-dollar bills that they will use to light their illegally imported cigars. (Celebrity clients, The Wrap reasonably speculates, are still validated.)

Parking in Century City, where the agency is located, is indeed about the steepest valet tab on the planet, with a two-hour visit running as high as $34. The piece points out " visitors to CAA — really, I'm not kidding — have taken to parking at the Century City mall." The mall is a full half a block away, caddy corner across the intersection, in Earth distances. In LA distance, however, walking half a block is the equivalent of marching approximately 14 and three-quarters miles anywhere else on the planet, a marathon slog truly beneath the dignity of visitors to the most powerful agency in the world.

However, for the masters of CAA, who can stand, cigar in hand, currency smoldering in the ashtray and stare out the window watching their non-celebrity clients trudge foot after desperate foot down the block, waiting in anguish for the crosswalk light to change — for those with that privileged view, all must seem very right with the world indeed.

Ok!
Kendra was pregnant, and now she's given birth. Margaret says, "her baby is pretty cute, but I still don't care." The mag asks her how she'll lose the 55 lbs. she put on during the pregnancy, and she says she'll do martial arts, swimming and squats. "It's time to get my butt back into shape." Whatever. Also inside: A source says since things got serious between Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan in November, she's telling friends that she wants to have his children. Billy is "very caught up in Jessica's mystique" and believes it's a relationship worth pursuing. Lastly: Lindsay Lohan was asked about the Gucci model she's supposedly dating, and proclaimed: "it's lame b.s."
Grade: F (flight cancelled)

In Touch
"Melissa Says 'I Do.'"
If you have the devotion required to read this eight-page article about the wedding of former The Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft, we salute you. Because we could only glance at all of the mind-numbing details. We do know that at the end of the ceremony, the bride and groom walked away from the altar to an instrumental version of the Monday Night Football theme song. Moving on: Madonna bought a $10 million 30-acre farm in the Hamptons. Jessica Simpson's "dangerous" new romance with Billy Corgan is covered thusly: "Jessica Simpson has always been a bit misguided when it comes to love. So when she was spotted walking out of the Ritz-Carlton in New York on December 4 with 42-year-old Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan, the world responded with a bemused 'WTF?'" An insider says they are not exclusive. They seem to have little in common, but they're both religious. Billy's "friend" tells the magazine that he's using the relationship to promote his new album. His ex-girlfriend, Tila Tequila, says: "I think Jessica Simpson is a waste of space. She can't even put two and two together. She doesn't show any female empowerment. She gets screwed over by her ex-boyfriends because she is all clingy. She should stop being so weak and stand up for yourself." In an interview, Tiger Woods' high school girlfriend says he broke her heart by dumping her via letter and writing that his parents were making him concentrate on his career. Next: A story called "Angelina's Desperate To Keep Brad" uses happy pictures from the Unicef Snowflake ball to illustrate how Angie is possessively clutching at Brad (see image 7). So a picture of her playfully grabbing his jacket becomes "she is trying to hold on to him for dear life." Angie wanted everyone to see how happy they were, but, according to the mag, "onlookers saw right through the Oscar-winning actress's transparent performance." Brad is smiling in every picture, yet the mag claims "Brad seemed visibly annoyed" by her "over-the-top antics." Body language expert Dr. Lillian Glass says: "His sad, non-smiling eyes and lack of a genuine smile also indicate his unhappiness." Brad took pictures with George Clooney and Matt Damon, and Angelina jumped into some of the pix, so the mag claims: "Brad wanted photos of him and his boys together. But Angelina insisted on inserting herself into them. It was obvious she was seeking attention." The lesson here is that Brad should learn to smize and Angelina should be a wallflower. Next, Gia, who's mom is Teresa from RHONJ, has a two-page spread of her closet (like mom did) and as for Jacqueline from RHONJ, "her son can rock any look." (See images 8 and 9.) Hey! Look who was quoted regarding that Sex And The City Photoshop Of Horrors on page 58! (See image 10)
Grade: D-, downgraded to F for irrelvant cover (flight delayed 6 hours)

Life & Style
"Baby Joy!"
An insider claims that Angelina decided, about four months ago, that she wanted to get pregnant again. "She basically told Brad that if it happens, it happens, and she wasn't going to concern herself with birth control. Angie's most at peace when a baby's coming." Nowhere does it say that she's actually pregnant, even though the cover claims "baby no. 7 is on its way." So "on its way" must mean "twinkle in the eye." Don't be fooled: the other two baby "exclusives" are old quotes from Kendra and Kourtney and no photos of their newborns. Moving on: Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie says that at night when the kids are in bed, Kate is lonely. "That's when she calls and we chat. It gets lonely when you're the only adult." Oh, and Kate hasn't had sex in a year. Oh, and here's a picture of Jon eating Panda Express alone in a mall somewhere, which is sad and also HILARIOUS. Next, we present image 11 WITHOUT COMMENT. Famed fling Jamie Jungers spoke to the mag and says Tiger Woods is '"well endowed — above average. I would rate him an 8 out of 10 in bed. He used to call me 'Jamie Juices' or 'my little coffee cup.' We never used protection. We just got caught up in the moment. We didn't discuss it." FYI: Billy Corgan calls himself a "wrestlemaniac." Ooh, the mag casts the movie of Tiger Woods' life, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Lindsay Lohan, Reese Witherspoon and more! (see image 12). You know how they're filming Sex And The City in Morocco? Well John Corbett was there. Spoiler! Aidan's back. Apparently European tabloids are reporting that George Clooney's gf, Elisabetta Canalis, was "getting cozy" with Dutch soccer star Clarence Seedorf over Thanksgiving weekend, but Cloons and the Italian chick are "solid as ever." Finally: "Mother-Daughter Plastic Surgery Brought Us Closer" is about Lynne Curtin from RHOOC getting a facelift on the same day that her daughter got a nose job. Lynne says "it was a total mother-daughter experience."
Grade: D- (flight delayed 2 hours)

Us
"Split! Why Reese Left Him"
Basically Reese and Jake had a "civil and measured" breakup. She felt pressured to wed again, but she wasn't ready, says a source: "She decided to walk away rather than walk down the aisle." The breakup transpired "over a series of phone calls." She couldn't commit, and even last year, she told Parade: "I'm not far enough out of being married to do it again." Also, when she was giving all of her energy to Jake, she felt like she wasn't giving her kids enough. She's "a Sunday-school teaching, take-charge personality" who "wants things the way she wants them"; while Jake is "really laid back." Moving on: A picture of Lindsay Lohan in India, holding a child! (See image 13.) Rihanna has a new tattoo on her chest, which says: "Never a failure, always a lesson" backwards, so she can see it in the mirror. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planing a "hush-hush" wedding in Spain before the new year; the bride will wear Balenciaga. Finally: A "source" says of the Jessica Simpson/Billy Corgan relationship: "She likes weirdos and anybody who's a 'real' musician. He's smart and intense, so she likes that. But they have practically nothing in common."
Grade: D- (flight delayed one hour)

Star
"Tiger & Jessica: The Shocking Inside Story."
Jessica Simpson attended a golf event with Tony Romo on July 1, so she met Tiger Woods. A "friend" says she'd actually met Tiger before, and thought he was really sexy. She was excited to see him again and "packed a bunch of slinky outfits so he'd notice her." Tiger liked what he saw and they were "touchy feely" and flirty! Jessica asked Tiger, "coyly," if he was available for private golf lessons and he slipped her his cell phone number. And she gave him her number. And what happened next was NOTHING. She's a good girl whose daddy was a preacher and would never date a married man, etc. etc. etc. But: She has a framed photo of her and Tiger (and Tony) in her bedroom. Moving on: Angelina smiled at Brad at the Unicef party and the smile "was the same one she'd given him" when she was pregnant before. So clearly she is pregnant now. A family insider says: "Angie hasn't been this happy in months." She's constantly laughing and chatty and "this is exactly like she was when she was pregnant with Shiloh and the twins." The insider adds: "She's got her pregnancy personality back." Brad Pitt walked her to the ladies room, and waited outside for her — and when they sat together, he stroked her hair. So: Pregnant. Leading body language expert Patti Wood says: "We rarely see photos of Angelina smiling like this. When you are joyful, your facial muscles go up, indicating a state of euphoria — which is exactly how she could feel if she's expecting again." Um, did she just explain what a SMILE is?!?! Recently, Star reported that the coupe had the fight to end all fights. But NOW Brad seems committed to being by Angie's side. Because you can leave six kids, but you can't leave seven. Next: Taylor Momsen was fired from Gossip Girl because they were sick of her late nights and unprofessional behavior. But she is telling people she is leaving for other acting gigs, and music. Her rep says she is NOT fired, but we'll see. Is Robert Pattinson the new James Dean? (see image 14) Rihanna called a friend and said she had a "sexy secret." She said: "Don't trip, but I hooked up with Justin." It was "good — hot and wild" and they had some of the best makeout sessions she's ever experienced. Justin's been calling her nonstop, but Rihanna says it's just for fun. "She's only out for the physical with him," says a source. "And she got it." HOT. Blind item! "Which fading reality starlet recently pulled a Britney? She shaved her head and was involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital in early December, but cameras missed the whole thing." Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were walking in NYC and it was really cold, and she asked if she could borrow his coat, and he was like, "No way, I'm freezing too." At the Gossip Girl Christmas party, Kelly Rutherford, 41, lured 24-year-old Chace Crawford away from doing Don Julio tequila shots with Ed Westwick and went into "full-on cougar mode." "They were getting kind of saucy." Lastly: A male model and aspiring rapper named Michael Girgenti, whose stage name is Primo Stallone, claims that he is the father of Kourtney Kardashian's baby. He also says he has "private kinky pictures" of himself and Kourtney, and when asked if there was a possibility that he had fathered Kourtney's baby, Michael said: "You could say that. Yeah." Apparently Kourtney didn't even know who the father was but her mom, Kris, told her to say publicly that it was her ex, Scott Disick.
Grade: D (turbulent flight)

15. Russian Glamour, June 2009
Beyoncé's skin looked digitally darkened on the cover of Russian Glamour — and the editors had a guide! A magazine called Joy used the same shot in December 2007. Was something lost in translation? Save your "black Russian" jokes until the end.

14. L'Oreal, August 2008
Beyoncé's skin seemed very light in ads for Feria haircolor. One theory: she was washed out by the strong lighting usually used in shooting hair.

13. Vogue, November 2009
The cast of Nine is chock-full of gorgeous women, but this shot is a mindscramble of random rays of sunlight in hair and dresses with edges so sharp they look like they're for paper dolls. As I wrote in October: "I'm guessing [Annie] Leibovitz shot them each separately and then did a composite, but when you have a person who doesn't cast a shadow on the lady next to her, then that person is a vampire." Poor Kate Hudson looks like she was slapped on as an afterthought.

12. Complex, April/May 2009
Kim Kardashian's waist was cinched, her thighs were slimmed, her skin skin smoothed out and her hairline was cleaned up. Plus, her head appears to be a different shape in the "after" image. Who would have thought a skull could be made "sexier"?

11. Self, September 2009
Kelly Clarkson's "Total Body Confidence" came from digitally slimming her waist and behind. Two Self editors explained that the cover: "is not, as in a news photograph, journalism. It is, however, meant to inspire women to want to be their best."

10. King Arthur poster, 2004
Movie marketers felt they must, they must, they must increase the bust. Ironically, Keira Knightley told the Guardian that she lost her chest, doing archery and preparing for the role:

To fight, convincingly, shoulder to shoulder, she had to do that thing that is so de rigueur, which is totally to change your body shape. "I was about three times the size I am now. It worried me, but it was cool, it was a body that was doing what it should do. I haven't got a clue because I don't weigh myself, but it was all muscle and I was big. My neck disappeared. My chest flattened even more. It wasn't the most feminine thing in the world, but it worked for the part, because there was strength there, and it was needed."

Of course, Hollywood can't imagine a world in which people would see a movie starring an athletic, flat-chested woman. So a digital boob job followed.

9. Redbook, July 2007
The crazy thing about the Faith Hill Redbook cover is not that it was Photoshopped — it's that this is the standard amount of digital altering that goes into a cover. Unlike some true Photoshop disasters, there are no alarming mistakes here to tip you off. That makes it easy to accept the retouched image without even blinking. Faith Hill is a beautiful woman. But she needed 11 different kinds of alterations before she could be on the cover of Redbook. What a world.

8. Campari calendar, 2008
Jessica Alba: Just another woman whose real body wasn't good enough. In this case, her waist needed to be nipped in so she could shill liquor.

7. Vogue, May 2008
RoboGwyneth looks like a robot, or an alien, depending on whom you ask. One thing is for sure: Her head and neck are not in the same space-time continuum.

6. Redbook, June 2003
Jennifer Aniston's head was placed on to Jennifer Aniston's body — from another photo shoot. At the time, her publicist, Steven Huvane, said: "It's a combination of three pictures. If you're going to do it, then at least match her head up to her body, and make the neck look like it belongs to her. I still can't figure out which exact picture the face came from." A Redbook spokeswoman downplayed the changes: "The only things that were altered in the cover photo were the color of her shirt and the length of her hair, very slightly, in order to reflect her current length."

The neck does look alarmingly unreal, and her head and waist are out of sync somehow. Angelina is surely to blame.

5.Redbook, July 2003
The month after the Aniston debacle, Redbook was at it again: According to USA Today, "[Julia's] head comes from a paparazzi shot taken at the 2002 People's Choice awards. Her body, meanwhile, is from the Notting Hill movie premiere [in 1999]." Julia's publicist, Marcy Engelman, said, at the time: "It's a shame they didn't use the body that went with the head, because it was a great Giorgio Armani pantsuit (that she wore to the People's Choice awards)."

4. Newsweek, March 2005
The editors used Martha's head and a model's body, because Ms. Stewart was still in jail when the issue was being put together. It wasn't supposed to be a photograph, anyway, it was art: "The piece that we commissioned was intended to show Martha as she would be, not necessarily as she is,'' Lynn Staley, assistant managing editor at Newsweek, told The New York Times. Staley acknowledged that the cover carried a disclaimer: ''In this case, we identified this piece as a photo illustration." As Martha would say, it's a "good thing" you did.

3. Seventeen, May 2003
Think about all the Buffy plots which could have been orchestrated around Sarah Michelle Gellar's weird wrist appendage over there on the left, if her arm actually looked like that.

2. GQ, February 2003.
Some people saw Titanic over and over again — but they never saw those legs, on the left. Kate Winslet was pissed about being trimmed down on this cover, saying:

"The retouching is excessive. I do not look like that and more importantly I don't desire to look like that. I actually have a Polaroid that the photographer gave me on the day of the shoot… I can tell you they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third. For my money it looks pretty good the way it was taken."

1. Ralph Lauren Blue Label ad, October 2009
In which model Filippa Hamilton was turned into a string of spaghetti.

Amy is from Oakland via Texas and a "permalancer" for Old Navy. She likes Lady Gaga and would love to dress Leigh Lezark.

Anna is originally from Wisconsin, loves Carla Bruni and worships at the altars of Marc Jacobs, Lanvin and Band of Outsiders.

Anthony hails from Birmingham, Alabama and loves glamour and color.

Ben made dresses that were inspired by different kinds of snakes and would love to design for Rihanna. Keep your eye on this one!

Christiane's originally from Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire, and makes simple dresses using vivid colors. She might go far in this competition.

Emilio's hometown is Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. He has a background in costume design.

Janeane Marie lives in Portland and is inspired by "earth science and space."

Jay is a visual merchandiser and stylist for the Gap — in the kids' division. He did a really cute happy dance in the casting session when Tim Gunn liked his stuff.

Jesse is from Ohio but lives in Orlando, FL and is an actor as well as a designer. He made a bright blue tulle party dress that no one liked but still made it on the show.

Jesus is originally from Mazatlan, Sinaloa, Mexico. He used to dress up Barbies and used his mom as his model in the casting session. He says he adds "a little touch of grandiosity" to everything.

Jonathan's dream client is Meryl Streep and he loves Galliano. He made shorts with a hideous appliqué on the crotch and was picked anyway.

Maya is 22 and created a collection called Fashism, which is super avant garde. Crazy shapes and orb-like purses with spikes. One to watch!

Mila is inspired by artists Mondiran and Calder; she's into color blocking and loves Halle Berry and Cate Blanchett. She, Emilio and Pamela are the forty-somethings in a show with mostly 20 and 30 somethings.

Pamela's favorite designer is "God." Her dresses are pretty, soft and beautifully constructed, and Tim Gunn thinks "she's on the cusp of something big."

Ping works as a design intern, assistant stylist, model, interpreter, reporter and freelance writer (!!!). She loves "everything asymmetrical." She is a little wacky, and so are her clothes. She's going to be fun to watch.

Last, but not least: Seth Aaron lives in Vancouver but is originally from San Diego and does tough, rocker jackets. He's got 2 kids, a lizard and a dog. His favorite color is black and he fears "getting fat."

So you heard it here first: Keep a fashion eye on Ben, Christiane, Maya and Ping… And be prepared to be entertained by Anthony, Jesus and Jay.

There are photos, casting videos and at-home videos on the site, but be warned: Lifetime's website is THE WORST. It still SUCKS, just like it did last season, and you'll have to sit through those damn "the touch the feel of cotton" commercials over and over if you want to see anything good. It's like they want to drive people away.

The good news is, Season 7 taped over the summer in New York, where it belongs. So I'm looking forward to it!

Project Runway Designers [MyLifetime.com]
Project Runway Season 7 Cast Revealed! [Blogging Project Runway]

1. "This Hollywood bad boy had supposedly cleaned up his act. However, his wife has been consulting very quietly with a prominent divorce attorney, and has also been asking a lot of questions around town about their stock portfolio and bank accounts. We've heard it's because her husband's former bouts with both substance abuse and the kind of sex that requires a fat bank account have made comeback. While he is working and he still has the fat bank account, he has lost his grip on both fidelity and sobriety. His wife has had enough, and has her foot halfway out the door. Dude, you'd better get your act together before she takes you to the cleaners, because your PR people are going to have a tough time spinning you out of this one. The girl may be pretty, but – in case it hasn't dawned on you yet – she sure isn't dumb." [Blind Gossip]

2. "I always knew this B list Golden Globe nominee/winner television actor was self conscious about his hair. But, what I didn't know is that although he has a few plugs, he covers 95% of his extremely bald head with four different very expensive toupees. He tells his many one night stands not to touch his head and he has four models in his bedroom where he keeps them when not wearing them." [CDaN]

3. "This young Hollywood hot couple will be breaking up in the next year. No question about it. Our source is claiming that the female in the pair is obsessed with matrimony and the male is obsessed with a blossoming career. He also wants an open relationship while she wants a house together, babies, the whole deal. The source claims that the girl is really just worried she is losing her grip on her BF and will do anything to keep him around. Not Blake Lively." [BuzzFoto]

4. "Which television anchor is frantically denying he had an affair with his wife's sister?" [P6]

5. "Which Meatpacking nightclub has bouncers who have come up with a new revenue source? When underage patrons present fake ID, the door guards threaten to turn them over to police, then offer to give back the IDs — for a fee." [P6]

6. "Which Hollywood hottie is less than impressed with her ex-boy friend's equipment? She's telling friends he's a flop in the sack. [P6]