10/07/2008
4th Assistant
Director of Development seeks 4th Assistant. Previous 4th Assistant took 2nd Assistant position elsewhere. Duties include assisting 3rd Assistant with 1st Assistant's personal errands and filling in for 3rd Assistant when 3rd Assistant substitutes for 2nd Assistant if 2nd Assistant is out sick or shadowing 1st Assistant, lunch pick-ups for 1st-3rd Assistants and light filing. Benefits after 3 months. Excellent opportunity for someone looking to become a 3rd assistant. 10/7

9/24/2008
Assistant - Female Celebrity/Mogul
Successful female celebrity/entrepreneur seeks trustworthy assistant. She is very high-profile so you must always be presentably and stylishly dressed, as you will be seen in paparazzi shots behind/next to her. Have had problems with assistants with bad skin in past. Must be perfectly moisturized, small unclogged pores, no blackheads, pockmarks, Café au lait spots, eczema, rosacea. Skin tone must complement celebrity in all lighting conditions. Please email resume, recent photograph and 3 references who can attest to the flawless condition of your skin (Think dermatologist, waxer, etc.). 9/24

Fret not if you happen to be weak at assistant-based integers or have a less-than-flawless complexion, as there are plenty of other options on this [if you haven't yet caught on, totally bogus] job board. So what are you waiting for? Your dreams are just 14,000 rolled calls at slightly above minimum wage without any health benefits away!

[Photo credit: Hollywood Assistant's Handbook]

• UTA Job List - Where Dreamers Go To Find Assistant Jobs

"I am continuing to look for work, but I have no offers pending and the impending strike by the Screen Actors Guild reduces my prospects for work even further," Heche, 38, writes in court papers. [...]

In a court declaration, Heche indicated her financial straits were dire and that she can no longer afford to pay the $14,798 in monthly support, along with private school tuition for her 6-year-old son Homer, the mortgage on her house in Canada where Men In Trees filmed, rent on her Los Angeles home and car expenses.

She further testifies that she has been unemployed except for "one very short-term contract for a movie role," for which she was paid $65,000, or "approximately the amount I received for one episode of Men In Trees," and that her business manager recently informed her that she has "a total of $34,840.93 in all of my accounts as of May 13, 2008." All this was compelling enough evidence for the judge to grant Heche a pass on her next month's installment. Next, Heche's lawyers may actually take the unusual strategy of arguing the financial-insanity defense, pointing as evidence to the actress's utterly insane decision to invest in the Canadian real estate market while employed on an iffy-fated series at best, as the U.S. dollar swirled 'round the shitter. It's unlikely to sway the courts, but still, all hope is not lost: With the overturning by the California Supreme Court of the gay marriage ban just minutes ago, sexuality free-agent Heche can get reacquainted with her Sapphic side, and make an honest woman out of the newly single and extremely financially stable Jodie Foster!

• Anne Heche: I Can't Afford Child Support [People]
• Anne Heche Crazy Broke [TMZ]

Slumber Assistant Sought (P/T) Professional Must have clean record and pass background check Prior experience as a personal assistant a plus Available nightly (7 nights a week) between the hours of 9:30 pm and 11:30 pm Manicured and gentle hands

Non-smoker Non-drinker Quiet breather and no bad breath

This position is limited to 'playing with' client's hair in the evening until she falls asleep. She generally retires to her suite anytime between 9:30 and 10:30 pm. There is to be no talking or communication unless there is a direct request from the client. Schedule would consist of arriving no later than 9:30 pm, removing your shoes, seating yourself next to the client's bed, running your fingers through her hair until she falls asleep at which point you will depart the suite, dim the lights, and exit the estate quietly.

Position pays $400, weekly with no benefits. A photo of this client's hair is below. Please note, it is curly and long and requires a very gentle approach.

Please respond with photo of your hands. Also, please include the most updated copy of your resume.

No, $400 per week really isn't that much money, so maybe the gig is better suited to Fox employees looking to replace their suspended overtime pay. And those with the assistant experience mentioned in the ad have probably been asked to do stranger things for similar pay, such as comb their agent boss's hair while they're on conference calls, accepting the occasional beating with a hairbrush for not working through tangles with an acceptable level of gentleness.

• Slumber Assistant Sought (P/T) [Craigslist]

Entertainment Public Relations Assistant BEFORE YOU READ: You MUST live in the Los Angeles area NOW! Offices are in West Hollywood/Beverly Hills. THE POSITION: Need to hire very personable, outgoing, freindly and very intelligent, public relations assistant/receptionist to work for the owner and account executives of a medium size celebrity/entertainent, hip, young PR company/agency in West Hollywood who is amazing with people and more amazing on phones. Must be able to do 100 things at the same time, if not more, handle a very busy schedule efficiently, master heavy calls and call logs, juggle countless invitations and premiere listings and be amazing on the phones, etc. It's an overwhelmingly busy, REALLY DEMANDING, hectic atmosphere!!! Did I mention it is a busy place???? Last 5 assistants could not handle the pressure. Hours are long plus weekends and nights to cover red carpets and events. If you are not serious about a life in publicity with actors and celebrities, this is not the job for you!!!!! The up side? Huge room for growth! PLEASE REREAD THIS AD BEFORE APPLYING!! THE JOB IS ONLY FOR HIGH ENERGY, EXTREMELY HARD WORKING, SMART APPLICANTS! Please submit cover letter as to why you want the job as well as your resume.

• Entertainment Public Relations Assistant [Craigslist]
• Previously: Defamer Employment: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Being A Personal Assistant, But Were Afraid To Ask [Defamer]

Comedy Writers Wanted for WGA TV Show

YOU *SHOULD* PURSUE THIS JOB IF:

—You're a great comedy writer who's just out of college and dying to write for television.
— You're a great comedy writer who hasn't yet figured out how to break into the biz (i.e. get an agent, etc.)
—You're a great comedy writer who has worked in TV a lot, but are out of work right now because there aren't so many primetime half-hour comedies on television anymore.
—You're a great comedy writer who's willing to work lots of late nights and weekends.

—You're a great comedy writer and making WGA scale (approx. $3,000 per week) sounds REALLY APPEALING to you. —You're a great comedy writer and you're a lot of fun to be with. —You're a great comedy writer and you usually get along GREAT with the people you work with. — You're a great comedy writer and you don't mind at all having your work completely re-written, even though you know your draft ROCKED.

YOU SHOULD *NOT* PURSUE THIS JOB IF:

—You're a great comedy writer who has worked in TV a lot, but now you're bitter about the entertainment business.
—You're a great comedy writer and you want a 10AM to 6PM job.
— You really really really really really want a job writing on Entourage or The Office, but will "settle" for a show on a kids' network, and then be perpetually bummed that you didn't get on The Office.
—You're a great comedy writer and making WGA scale (approx. $3,000 per week) sounds REALLY CRAPPY to you.
— You're a great comedy writer and you're depressing to be with.
—You're a great comedy writer and you're usually DIFFICULT with the people at work.
—You're a great comedy writer and, when you're rewritten (by someone "WAY less talented" than you), you become filled with rage and want to bludgeon the person who rewrote you.
—You would ever write (or laugh at) any of these 6 lines of dialogue:

(1) "Hey, stop eating my dinner, Eatie McEaterson!"
(2) "These nachos are like a party in my mouth!"
(3) "Whooaaa, too much information."
(4) "And by [that] I mean [this]."
(5) "Whoops, did I say that out loud?"
(6) "I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."

If you enjoy any of the above 6 lines of dialogue, time to move on to the next Craigslist ad! [...]

If you really hate this ad and you want to tell us how awful, unprofessional, and arrogant it is, please send that email to either your mom or your nearest Home Depot.

Best Regards,

A-TV-Show-That's-Looking-For-Great-Comedy-Writers-Who-Are-Nice-And-Fun-And-Not-Annoying-At-All

The rest of the ad is here; reading the entire thing should have any aspiring, unrepresented comedy writer more than willing to follow the time-honored path of blowing an agent if it means never having to deal with another Craigslist job posting like this one to find a job that comes with WGA benefits.

• Comedy Writers Wanted for WGA TV Show [Craigslist]