That's why we at Defamer are always eager to pass along cost-efficient, stress-reducing services geared towards Hollywood's hardworking and high-powered men (and sometimes women, but not today, sorry girls). Look no further, pent-up-eroonies!

NOONER b/j !!!!!!!!!!!!! - 49 (bURBANK)
Reply to: redacted
Date: 2009-02-10, 11:49AM PST

Any Warner Brothers or Disney Execs
up for an AWESOME blow job this afternoon!?!?!?
I am on my knees to please sirs.
lets do it!!!!!!!!!!!!
You deserve it NOW!

Perhaps this could be the perfect opportunity to commemorate the DreamWorks/Disney distribution deal, with representatives from each studio—one in mouse ears, the other holding a fishing rod—availing themselves simultaneously of the Craigslist poster's services in a symbolic coming together as one.

• NOONER b/j !!!!!!!!!!!!! - 49 (bURBANK) [Craigslist]

Dating Coordinator for Busy TV Personality/Doctor (Beverly Hills)

Hi: I’m looking for a Dating Coordinartor/PR assistant who can market me personally to find a seriously minded soul mate/marriage partner.

A little about me: I’m a successful, attractive, personable, generous, good-hearted, single Doctor/TV personality who is a little shy and busy to date. I would like to hire a canvasser/pr/sales type to help me find an attractive, personable lady for a long-term relationship.

This would be an ongoing canvassing position, paying $10.00 hour on part-time hours plus bonus. This is perfect for students, single parents, older adults, and actors/musicians who are sociable and have plenty of free time. You would go out into social circles, talk to select individuals, give them my card with email, and I would take care of the rest. Think of it kind of like a real-world version of the TV shows: “The Bachelor” or “Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire?”

This is an ongoing position, and would last anywhere from six months to 1 year or longer, since I am taking my time in finding the right soul mate to be with. There are plenty of matchmakers, headhunters, and internet services that do this, but frankly I don’t trust them. I believe a real world person like you meeting a real world person for me is ideal.

Since there may be more than one qualified candidate, and I have ample resources, more than one person may be hired for this position.

If you’re interested, please send me your phone, photo, and qualifications to me.

Thanks

Ah yes, a "real-world version of Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire?” Can you smell the romance? We sure can, and it's the same corpsey stench that came off our TV sets when Darva Conger first took Rick Rockwell's hand in marriage. But this is no time to get picky about employment. Ten bucks an hour to marry off a celebrity doctor sounds like a dream job to us! Now update your resume skills section to read "proficient in quickly befriending other swimsuit models with great tits" and send those suckers in!

• Dating Coordinator for Busy TV Personality/Doctor (Beverly Hills) [Craigslist]

HUNG BLACK ESCORT NEEDED FOR EMMY AWARDS (Awards and after parties)

I am looking for a hung black escort to attend the Emmy Awards with me. The escort must wear flimsy white linen slacks that will be tailored and provided. Cockring ok—no underwear.

No money involved. Must attend the Emmy Awards and a couple after-parties with me. Fuck around with whoever you like, but flimsy, white linen slacks must be worn with no underwear — a cockring is preferred. Escort can be white but prefer black. Must be hung however. Have fun and meet the right men.

Lets have some fun!

Included with the ad was the accompanying photo (we've black-barred out all faces to protect the innocent). Interested and appropriately equipped parties take note, however: We make no guarantees that the blonde man gleefully sniffing the trophy's signature rubber-band ball will be the same one who'll be similarly inspecting your white-linen-wrapped goods (post-Labor Day fashion bylaws be damned!) after Sunday night's big event.

• HUNG BLACK ESCORT NEEDED FOR EMMY AWARDS (Awards and after parties) [Craigslist]

FREE Driver in exchange for a look in your underwear! (SoCal)
Hey ladies!

I'll pick you up, drive u to work, pick u up from work and drop u back home for FREE!!! NO charge! But it'll depend how far your work is and I can only drive u 2-3 times a week cause I don't have the car a lot and the days will vary every week. All I ask is a pose in your underwear while I release myself, that's it!

You don't have to do anything, no touching or dancing. Just let me see u in your undies while I release myself! It'll take about 5-10 min that't it. I know this is a wierd deal but it's real and not a scam. I'm a real person kinda shy but a good guy.

So, it would work like this. I would come to your place and u give me a tease in your undies and after I'm done I'll drive u to your work. When I pick you up and drop you to your home, you would give me another tease! That's it! Please, lets make this work! Pretty please...............? I have a pic and number IM me at [redacted].

We can meet in public first to get to know each other and we can talk on the phone. Again, I'm a real person no strings attached! I'll drive for you FREE! If u need to stop for errands along the way, I'll do it for you also! I have a nice clean car '03 year. Let's make this work!

Yes, lets! And if you're having hesitations that this attempt at beating the pump will end up with a best case scenario of your driver beating his—and at worst, with what tabloids will eventually dub the "Peekaboo Carpool Strangler"—all those enthusiastic exclamation marks should be more than enough to convince you!

• FREE Driver in exchange for a look in your underwear! (SoCal) [Craigslist]

20th Cent. FOX lot. MWM, horny, hung thick! Any other studs here? - 38 (Fox Lot)

38, MWM, VGL, discreet, clean, NEG, and HUNG. Looking for some playmates on the lot for jacking/oral. Or around the area who can host from time to time. Cool with jacking, oral, anything safe. And, yes, total top here. Forward pics. No pics = no response. Face too. Gotta see you before meeting up. Total discretion, obviously. Thanks and have a great day.

No, thank you! Not be outdone, Sony's rascal in Culver City reintroduced his offer as well ("Stuck here on the lot again today, no luck yesterday, getting hornier by the hour"), once again accompanying his plea with a photo of an unsuspecting cluster of folks listening in at the masturbatory hotbed of Stage 19. We can't wait to see how a horny Paramount drone, with the swinging dick of his studio's billion-dollar 2008 tightly in hand, ups the symbolic ante on Wednesday with the C/L's lustiest, most well-cast and best-marketed ad to date.

• 20th Cent. FOX lot. MWM, horny, hung thick! Any other studs here? [Craiglist]

• Sony Lot JO [Craigslist]

Anyone on the SONY lot up for a mid afternoon Jerk? (Culver City)

Stuck here on the lot. Anyone here know somewhere to get together, unzip, pull out our cocks and jerk out a load?

need to cum bad

Could this be the same "preppy and athletic" Sony lot horndog of several years ago, who demanded a headshot and resumé before meeting to rub one out? There's only one way to find out, fellas. And while we wish, per the query, that we could recommend a darkened nook behind some Spider-Man soundstage lending itself to such rendezvous, unfortunately, we have no knowledge of anything currently shooting on the lot beyond a junior exec and FedEx guy in the Thalberg Building men's room. Good luck, you star-crossed tossers!

• Anyone on the SONY lot up for a mid afternoon Jerk? (Culver City) [Craigslist]

Remember the scene in Revenge of the Nerds where the cheerleader gets fucked while the nerd is wearing a Darth Vader costume.

I WANT TO BE THAT CHEERLEADER!

You don't have to wear the whole getup, just the mask. I have the mask. PLEASE!

Remember, lightsabers are dangerous weapons, so we have to play safe.

I am also totally down with fucking some Jedi if anyone has some Jedi robes.

I am into most positions and very oral. No anal please.

Send a picture so I can see the man behind the mask. A picture of your rod would be cool too. Everyone with a photo will be considered.

While the request was filed under "casual encounters w4m," we'd caution all takers that there's no guarantee that the person who greets you at the door, holding pom-poms and wearing a head-to-toe Boba Fett get-up with easy-entry adjustments, is necessarily a female. May the Force be with you.

• use the force - w4m - 25 (central la) [Craigslist]

Are you Carrot Top? - mw4m - 32

Us: Cute, fun, hipster couple Los Feliz, hoping to meet Carrot Top. Are you Carrot Top? We really like your body. We're really into your whole "look." Him: Thirty-two, tallish & 180 lbs. Her: Twenty-six, medium-height and busty brunette.

If you're free, and not scared to meet some new friends (and fans!), please let us know!

It never even occurred to us that something so simple as a Craigslist ad could put an adoring and sexually adventurous couple within touching distance of Carrot Top, the real-world Batman villain created when a mild-mannered comic fell into a vat of radioactive toxic sewage at the Acme Oversized Props factory. We can only hope that our modest efforts will bring them that much closer to realizing their dreams of hanging off those freckled, cantaloupe-sized biceps, and determining once and for all if their comedy hero is a top in name alone.

• Are you Carrot Top? - mw4m - 32 [Craigslist]

GF will do anything for Two (2) Tickets to Academy Awards - mw4m - 40

The rest of the ad, plus a screenshot of the goodies up for grabs, follow after the jump:

We are a real and very genuine couple who once in a while likes a little kinky, naughty play. We are coming in the week of the 18th and would like to attend the Academy Awards. MY GF is willing to do ANYTHING I tell her to do for Two (2) Tickets to this event and would love to attend an after party as well.

To fully test the perimeters of their tempting, all-inclusive offer, we sent back an e-mail containing this image of a giant Oscar statue covered in delicious, breath-limiting plastic wrap. We're happy to report we got a quick response, consisting of a friendly, "Yup! That too! What section are your seats in? For that kind of kink, we'd have to insist on orchestra or first mezzanine at the farthest," suggesting these Oscar-loving swingers are fully prepared to deliver on their all-caps offer of "ANYTHING," should you have the hotly sought-after goods they seek.

• GF will do anything for Two (2) Tickets to Academy Awards - mw4m - 40 [Craigslist]

CAA - m4m hey, you an asst, maybe?

tall dark hair. me a client, kind of high profile, waiting to meet one of my agents. in the lobby, by the desk, 530 this evening. exchanged a couple of long looks and i had to go. would love to hear from you...

That this client felt Craigslist was his best chance to be reunited with the object of his affection instantly makes us wonder about how "kind of high profile" he actually may be. The agency's earners certainly know that should an anonymous assistant catch his eye, it would take little more than a phone call to his rep to arrange for the five underlings most closely matching even the vaguest of descriptions to immediately be delivered to his home to make sure that his every need was serviced.

• CAA - m4m [Craiglist]

Looking for Beowulf - 21

I'm looking to blow Beowulf.

Just saw the movie and have a total fantasy now.

I want more than 3D. Just look hot like him and let's make this happen.

Defamer Connections is optimistic that LFB-21 will find at least one role-playing taker, even if he winds up looking more like the actual Ray Winstone than his motion-captured avatar. (Or worse, Grendel.) After all, Craigslist offers no satisfaction guarantees for its homoerotic CGI-heavy battle-epic fantasists—just ask the user that hoped to be "Gangbanged by 300 Spartans" back in March, who was forced to settle for seven balding, middle-aged dudes in shower-curtain capes and flip flops.

• Looking for Beowulf - 21 [Craigslist]

Dear Rachel Bilson, - m4w - 99 You practically raped me with your eyes at the gym the other day.

At first I thought, great another perv checkin' me out on the treadmill... then you follow me upstairs, and it just got ridiculous after that. If you're going to stare me down like that either grow some balls and say hi, or kill me, but don't be that creepy stalker chick who follows me around the gym and stares me down. Not cool.

Our advice to Bilson, should she be reading this, is to reject his options, as murdering the author, while putting an immediate end to both of your frustrations, could wind up having severe repercussions down the line. (Ditto growing a set of balls.) Instead, we'd simply suggest you refocus any energies expended lusting after your cardio-room crush back into your own exercise regime; you'll find after just a few weeks, the results will be spectacular enough to transform former stalkees into persistent stalkers, at which point you can post your own Missed Connections notice requesting they "find your sack already and choose the spinning cycle next to mine. It's not like you don't know I always sign up for #17!"

• Dear Rachel Bilson, - m4w - 99 [Craigslist]

Britney Spears please read - m4w - 29 Britney when you want your life back on track and are willing to admit you need help eail me. You have hit rock bottom and only when you realise this will you truley be able to get back on track.

* Location: you know

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

While the provided age and gender might lead you to theorize that the poster is 29-year-old ex-husband Kevin Federline, we suspect those were included to throw us off the trail of the true identity of Spears' Craigslist angel: Lindsay Lohan. All the clues are there: the signature misspellings, the world-weary recognition of another troubled soul's rock-bottom moment from someone who's been there, done that, carjacked the Denali and chased an assistant's mom through the streets of Santa Monica in the early hours of the morning. Should Spears get this message and contact the poster calling out from "location: you know," perhaps Lohan can convince her that even though the first couple of trips through rehab seem like nothing more than an image-salvaging sham forced on you by self-interested handlers, it's during that crucial, eye-opening third stint that one finally realizes the depth of one's problems.

My Lost Boy-Corey Haim - w4m - 25 My name is Sammi and I am a 25 year old girl who lives in LA. I think the song about the girl stuck in 1985 was written about me because I love all thing's 80's especially Corey Haim. Of course I loved Lucas, The Lost Boys and Liscense to Drive but after seeing him in the movie "Blown Away" my infatuation with him became full fledged. His is gorgeous and talented and judging by his performance in "Blown Away" I think he would be fantastic in bed.

As we all know, Corey started in this industry at a very young age and was unable to resist the temptations of drugs and alcohol which as an assistant to a personal publicist who has major clients, I completely understand that this industry is freakin TOUGH and temptation is everywhere. LA is definitely a complete hedonistic lifestyle. Still, even when Corey gained weight, was incoherent and auctioning his teeth on ebay i knew that he would get hot again and make a come back because he is really a great actor. Well now he has an addicting new reality show and...he's hot again.

I don't get star struck. I've hooked up with and dated celebrities, i work as assistant to one of LA's biggest personal publicists and I always go to LA's hottest clubs including Les Deux, Area, Opera, even parties at the Playboy Mansion (where I met Corey Feldman). Well two weeks ago I was told about a party for the new show "The Two Corey's" at Sugar. We got in but didn't want to pay the $20 cover because well, we never pay cover. So as we are walking out I see Corey standing outside smoking a cigarette. He was so beautiful, I wanted to say something, anything, but I was too scared. When I went back later...he was gone.

In the movie "Can't Hardly Wait" the drunk angel stripper talks about a similar situation with her and Scott Baio. I truly believe in Fate. In fact, I even have a tattoo of the word "Fate" on my lower stomach. But like the movie says "Fate can only take you so far because once you are there it is up to you to make it happen." Well, I didn't make it happen.

Now I'd like to be clear. I don't want to marry Corey Haim and I don't even have to date him. I would just like one night of hot animal sex with him.

Please help! If you or someone that you know can help me reach my goal of having sex with Corey Haim I would be eternally grateful. Thanks so much!

Whether or not "Sammi" is real (and we fear she may not be—everyone knows that Feldman was the breakout cocksman of Blown Away) isn't actually important; what will get Haim through this dark night of the soul is the mere possibility that there's someone out there who might finally muster the courage to approach him the next time he's enjoying a smoke break outside of Sugar, overcoming the butterflies fluttering beneath her Fate tattoo long enough to offer him that one, hot, perfect night of animal sex.

• My Lost Boy-Corey Haim - w4m - 25 [Craigslist]
• Previously: Corey Haim's Unemployability Makes Compelling Reality TV [Defamer]

I'M REAL! FILM PRODUCER FOR NSA W/ASPIRING ACTRESS/MODEL NEEDING HELP - m4w - 35 Real Posting! Yes, I am a real motion picture producer with numerous credits of films you've most likely seen. I'm mid 30's, slim and fit, sexy as hell and easy on the eyes! I don't have much time for dating and am looking for a mutually beneficial situation/NSA with an aspiring actress/model who may need to jump start their career.

This is very real and over the last several months I've place 2 actresses and one model with very prestigious agencies and all are now actively auditioning numerous times a week. I know there are numerous actresses/models out there that are doing whatever it takes to make the rent. You just can't seem to land any roles or agents or connect with the right people. For the adventurous and spontaneous type, this could be for you. I will give all my info to the proper candidate once I know you're serious. Pic for Pic! First come first serve!

The producer's three assertions that he and his tantalizing offer are genuine are all the confirmation that we need, as any fraud looking to take advantage of a trusting lady who just can't connect with the right people surely would've offered no more than two "I'm real! Pinky swear! Just ask all the future superstars with top-shelf representation I've nailed!" references. Remember, it's a first come/first served offer, so don't fritter away the precious moments you could be using to launch your career with unnecessary caution.

• I'M REAL! FILM PRODUCER FOR NSA W/ASPIRING ACTRESS/MODEL [Craigslist]

will put out if u take me to see harry potter - 19

Date: 2007-07-11, 6:20PM PDT

I'm 19, 6'1''. a liitle extra weight..I wanna go see harry potter but i have no money...anyone wanna take me?...

While we salute the great lengths to which this determined Potterite is willing to go to experience the sexual awakening of his adolescent wizard hero, we wonder if it's perhaps a tad stingy of spirit to require anyone who makes it past the first elimination rounds to sign a fine-print-heavy Terms of Agreement, stating that it's a stadium-seating-only offer, and that purchase of a box of Dibbs and a large popcorn, while not compulsory, guarantees you'll be chasing the Golden Snitch by the end of the night.

• will put out if u take me to see harry potter - 19 [Craigslist]