Granted, this is just one expert's results. Others have preceded, and others are sure to follow. But if there's anything we trust around here, it's science:



· Actor in a leading role: Mickey Rourke
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Actor in a supporting role: Heath Ledger
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Actress in a leading role: Kate Winslet
FINDINGS: Inconclusive, but shows high concentrations of the carbon compound HW, thus suggesting a strong likelihood of accuracy.

· Actress in a supporting role: Amy Adams
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. DNA breakdown shows overwhelming evidence of Penelope Cruz, with traces of Viola Davis.

· Animated Feature Film: Wall-E
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Art Direction: The Dark Knight
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Costume Design: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Rare genetic mutation known as NOM-13 makes Button allergic to Oscar. The Duchess shows most compatible awards traits in this category.

· Directing: Slumdog Millionaire
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Documentary feature: Man on Wire
FINDINGS: Inconclusive. A well-known Bavarian doctor is nearing a vaccine for this; it may be ready by Sunday. Active ingredient: Sympathy.

· Documentary short: The Conscience of Nhem En
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Cleft-palate recovery is going swiftly and well for the disfigured Indian child in Smile Pinki; her discharge is expected this weekend.

· Film editing: Milk
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. A potent strain of Slumdog Millionaire has overtaken the calcium in original subject.

· Foreign language film: Departures
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Waltz With Bashir tests positive for the Jews.

· Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
FINDINGS: Accurate. (NOTE: High dosages of latex repel NOM-13 gene mentioned above.)

· Music (Score): Defiance
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. The Dark Knight has a formidable squad overseeing its unparalleled purity in this category.

· Music (Song): "Down to Earth" (Wall-E)
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Short film (animated): Presto
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Short film (live action): Auf Der Strecke (On The Line)
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Toyland's Holocaust cell-count has jumped robustly in recent weeks.

· Sound editing: Wall-E
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Sound mixing: The Dark Knight
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Visual effects: Iron Man
FINDINGS: Accurate.

· Writing (Adapted screenplay): The Reader
FINDINGS: Inconclusive. Slumdog bites are failing to heal, may be infected on Reader scribe David Hare's otherwise strong legs.

· Writing (Original screenplay): In Bruges
FINDINGS: Inaccurate. Intravenous Milk feed has built category's resistance to Irish germs.

• Oscar Winners Leaked? [Cinematical]

• Leaked Oscar-Winner List Is a "Complete Fraud" [AP]

Sure, when Heroes premiered in 2006, it had a couple of things going for it, namely: freshness, a good villain, and a series of wicked, show-ending cliffhangers. Still, the problems that EW and the NYT are citing in the current season were with Heroes from the start.

The show has always had too many characters, and even in the first season, many lacked a compelling reason to be there. That season was clogged with storylines (like the yawn-inducing travails of narrator Mohinder) that practically demanded to be fast-forwarded through, and the revelation that the show's writers were assigned separate plotlines in each episode instead of writing full scripts on their own is only partially to blame for the show's whiplashing segues. Eventually, the more interesting characters were saddled with so many powerful abilities that they needed to be repeatedly incapacitated to move the plot along, causing heroes like the time-jumping Hiro to become annoyingly extraneous.

Also, the acting is, uh... well, just watch this clip. Yeah, it's at least campy, but in a "best show on the Sci-Fi Channel" kind of way. Actually not even that, because they have Battlestar Galactica. So maybe in a "third or fourth best show on the Sci-Fi Channel" kind of way. All we're saying is that if a show is desperately hanging onto an actress like Ali Larter, it won't exactly be burning up the Emmys.

Heroes doesn't need to be saved — it's always been like this. Sometimes, when the shock of the new wears off, reappraisals like this can occur (in much the same way, America has finally come to grips with its embarrassing Life is Beautiful phase). Don't head to Heroes expecting great acting, skillful plotting, and emotional resonance. Enjoy it for what it is meant to be: a showcase for Milo Ventimiglia to take off his shirt.

• Flagging ‘Heroes’ Attempts Self-Rescue [NY Times]

Phoenix is certainly no stranger to red carpet shenanigans (as his best buddy, Follicle Frog, will affirm) but the incident seems less like a joke (despite a nearby, hilariously deadpan Casey Affleck) and more like a Ray-Bans-clad cry for help. "Nommmf deadserious," Phoenix insists in the video, and his rep's awkward "That is what he told me" confirmation leads us to believe that Phoenix really is going through with his plans to ditch acting for a career in music. We didn't like Reservation Road much either, Joaquin, but we can't say we're looking forward to the alternative.

• Joaquin Phoenix Calls It a Career? [E!]

They sent back a busy graph that showed a confluence of lines plotting summer hours, male bulge humor, and funny Mediterranean accents. Add to that a diversion-hungry populace still shellshocked from the time Gwyneth Paltrow and her redheaded Hell's Angels boyfriend literally ate their way through the country, and you have what could be considered the perfect summer movie storm.

• 'Hellboy 2,' 'Knight' lift Europe [Variety]