We miss you, Chris. Thanks for doing it.

Uh. You're welcome?

Asylum gets this heart-rending explanation from the sniveling funnyman's publicist himself:

"When DIRECT TV came to me and the Farley family with this idea about 'Tommy Boy,' we talked and thought it would be a cool way to remind people just how funny Chris was. It is a clever homage to my friend and a movie that we loved doing, " he says.

"Nobody else wants to pay me money for things," he means.

The lucky recipients are the Phoenix Police Department, whose fine men and women patrol the streets of the Rules of Engagement star's hometown. A press release explains why:

Asking there be no fanfare or media attention, Mr. Spade called last week and said he wanted to donate $100,000.00 to the Phoenix Police Department towards the purchase of rifles to help keep our patrol officers and community safe.

At 9:30 A.M., Mr. Spade stopped by the Phoenix Police Department's Desert Horizon Precinct and gave a check to Chief Harris made out to the Phoenix Police Foundation, a 501C3 status charitable organization led by long time foundation board president Marc Cavness, a local prominent attorney. The foundation will direct the full amount towards the purchase of the rifles.

It's certainly a nice gesture, conjuring the image of delighted rookie recruits lingering 'round the station house Christmas tree, lifting each of the dozens of individually wrapped, rifle-shaped packages piled beneath it to their ears and shaking them vigorously, as Chief Harris admonishes lovingly that they'll "just have to wait until the 25th to find out what Spade-y Claus brought you all this year!"

• David Spade Donates $100,000 to Phoenix Police Department for New Rifles [blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com]

"I texted her to check on her," Spade, 44, said Saturday night in Santa Monica at the annual benefit dinner and concert for the Lili Claire Foundation (which helps children living with neurogenetic conditions), about Locklear, who was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence.

..."I think things get blown out a lot of proportion," said Spade. "She's always solid and always a great person. And I think people understand she's in a tough situation and she does her best."

When it comes to Locklear, 47, Spade says, "I think there's no one that doesn't feel for her or have nice things to say about her in my experience."

We agree, but Dave — not even a phone call? A box of chocolates? A DVD collection of the first, truncated season of LAX with a calligraphied note saying, "Always thought this was your best work. XOXO, Joe Dirt"? Sure, that semi-disinterested text message may work on Teri Hatcher or a Playboy playmate, but this is Amanda Woodward we're talking about here. Cut a girl some slack and at least send an e-card!

• David Spade Checks In on Heather Locklear [People]

Spade is a funny dude, but that can’t be it. Surely he must have a secret—something that draws the skirts to him like men’s bathrooms draw George Michael. Thankfully, Moehringer wasn’t afraid to do a little digging, and through exhaustive interviews with Spade and various ladies he’s flirted with, he may have actually hit upon the reason for all the chick-magnet-madness.

Spade’s platonic friend Courtney Cox Arquette explains it thusly: “He has good teeth.” But the most illuminating reason comes from David himself. When asked what advice he’d give a single guy, Spade says:

"Be normal and kind of have your shit together. And be consistent and reliable. Just not a flake. Really, the thing is, not to be a superflake. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t be supercocky. Don’t be a show-off. Everyone for some reason feels the need to show off.”

So that’s it? Just don’t be a dick? Admittedly that’s a hard thing to do in this town, but we still think Spade must have a dump truck full of Roofies stashed his house. Otherwise it just doesn’t add up.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• The Don Juan of Our Time [Los Angeles Magazine]

David Spade is the father of a baby girl born last week in Missouri to Playboy Playmate Jillian Grace, the actor's rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.

"David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement," Spade's rep, Meredith O'Sullivan, tells PEOPLE.

If you actually stopped to run the numbers, this was bound to have happened eventually. We're relieved, then, that when it finally did, Spade decided to step up to the plate, and didn't try to worm his way out with one of those, "Well, that's impossible. We used protection...The rhythm method is protection... Well does she look like me? What does 'exactly' mean, exactly? Just tell me this: Is there any chance she might be half black? You know what—I'm going to forward you to my manager, and you tell him what you want and we'll work something out. Look, I'm sorry, I'm really needed back on the Rules set right now. Love you miss you bye bye K? Bye byeeee...*click*" That would have just been petty.

• David Spade Becomes a Dad [People]

In today's installment: Francis Ford Coppola and Pauly Shore (duh!), Tom Hanks, Bob Newhart, Warren Beatty, Woody Allen, Katherine Heigl, The Jonas Brothers, Forrest Whitaker, David Spade, Michael Cera, Johnny Knoxville, Rita Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, Rose McGowan, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, Bobby Trendy, Joshua Kelley, Kevin Farley, Tila Tequila, Robin Antin, Charlyne Yi and more.

MONDAY, JULY 28
· Very few people impress and awe me as I have lived here most of my life and work at a place where I see amazing people every day. However, Monday while I was trekking up Westwood Blvd to hit Un-whole Foods for lunch when my jaw dropped. Coming out of Rite Aid was none other than BOB NEWHART. It was such a total shock. He is a national treasure. He should be escorted around in a popemobile or something that fits his stature, not hobnobbing with mere mortals. Then, the next days, I was having an apres earthquake lunch with a friend at The Stand and, what do you think, she tells me that she just saw Bob at the CVS south of Wilshire! He seems to be making the rounds. Gotta love him!

TUESDAY, JULY 29
· FORREST WHITAKER indulging some fans outside ONE Sunset. Not as big as I thought he'd be.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30
· I spotted JASON SCHWARTZMAN in the Staples on Sunset. He wasn’t holding any office supplies, but he did look like a man on a mission. Very handsome, although much smaller than I would have expected.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 1
· I was celebrating another lamb to slaughter (aka bachelorette) party on Friday night at the busted "club" Tao in Vegas that's in the Venetian/shopping mall. Our table and both area ended up being a thoroughfare for ho's who wanted to hop on a near-by platform type area that faced the DJ booth blaring out a medley of top 40 thru the years. FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA was sitting on the other side of our booth —just sitting— fat, old and alone and no one seemed to pay him much mind. I was still contemplating the surreal aspect of his presence and wondering why the fuck he would be wasting his time in such a lame place when I almost got knocked over by PAULY SHORE. I assumed he was in a crazed rush to get to FFC, imagining this as his moment to get on cinematic top due to a magical chance meeting with a great director at a club in a mall. I positioned myself to get a full view of their sure to be awkward exchange. It took PS about 10 minutes to get up the nerve to bumrush FFC and it was over quick. It soon became clear that the real story of the night was PS's apparent need to commute to Vegas for club pussy. He sat on the platform for hours grabbing and pawing at any tallish, blonde-ish Forever 21 dress model that danced within his grasp. I saw only one of them give him the hands-off, the rest all reacted quite favorably. It was truly incredible. I can only assume that Paulyy takes the LV tourism ads to heart. Perhaps rejected and dejected outside an LA club one night- a light went on..." Not only will I probably be able to get into clubs there -If everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas..then surely some drunk, vacationing skanks will hit it with me!"
· Seinfeld's LARRY "THE SOUP NAZI" THOMAS having breakfast at Aroma Cafe in Studio City.
· WARREN BEATTY with two young girls (daughters?) and a blond
woman at Humprey Yogart in Sherman Oaks.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2
· Saw RITA WILSON and TOM HANKS at the Century City Mall with, I think, their youngest son, walking by the Apple store. I recognized Rita first and wouldn't have known it was Tom until I heard him laugh. They looked like a nice, happy family. One of the more normal spottings I've had in this damn city.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3
· As I was sauntering down the alley behind Fiesta Cantina on my way to one of the WeHo bars that looks like a W hotel, I came upon BOBBY TRENDY with two (real) girls giving advice to some 'roided out queen in a Mercedes convertible. They were assuring said queen that his outfit looked good. Note to 'roided out queen: do not take sartorial advice from fucking Bobby Trendy. He basically agreed you looked good in bleached, capris lengthed overalls (!) with a thin black belt and white espadrilles.
· I spotted the Skanksis of Evil: Piggez Hilton, ROBIN ANTIN of Pussycat Dolls 'fame' and gay rights pioneer, TILA TEQUILA at 11. Piggez was basking in the lamelight of the other two and wouldn't be surprised if he called the paps himself. Not all the cheap beer prices in the 'Ho could destroy those images. And don't you think i didn't try.
· Had multiple celeb sightings at the Dolly Parton concert at the Greek theatre Sunday night. First, saw KATHERINE HEIGL with hubby JOSHUA (who is surprisingly hot in person). JUSTIN CHAMBERS was with them as well. Katherine was wearing glasses, sun dress, looked nice. Waited in line for the bathroom like a normal person. Right after I saw them, a strikingly pale and plasticky looking chick walked by in a yellow dress...turns out it was ROSE MCGOWAN. She was with some dude who wasn't Robert Rodriguez...guess they really broke up, or he's not a Dolly fan. Finally, walking out I nearly bumped into JOHNNY KNOXVILLE, tall and haggard looking, which I guess is the result of beating the crap out of yourself for a living.
· Went to the amazing Dolly Parton show on August 3rd. Spotted a grey-haired JOHNNY KNOXVILLE (with daughter in tow?) and MR. AND MRS. KATHERINE HEIGL Hate to break it to you, but when a fan or two approached her, she seemed smiley and rather gracious. Or maybe I had too much wine.

MONDAY, AUGUST 4
· MICHAEL CERA and CHARLYNE YI having a late lunch at Mustardseed, just now. They were with two other guys I couldn't identify by the backs of their heads. I recognized Charlyne Yi first and then noticed the beloved George Michael whose hair was cropped super short, rendering him naturally incognito.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5
· Saw those cute Menudo boys [Ed. Note - I'm assuming she means THE JONAS BROTHERS, because surely the members of Menudo can no longer be considered "cute", right?] being rushed to their Delta flight yesterday morn. Security had to grab them as so many little teen girls were hounding them. Gotta luv those boy bands!
· ASHLEE SIMPSON and PETE WENTZ at the Hush Sound show at El Rey Theatre. They chilled in the band's private booth upstairs with all Pete's friends.
· I spotted WOODY ALLEN outside the Los Angeles Shakespeare Theater offices downtown talking to comedian BRENTLY HEILBRON. Is it for this?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· DAVID SPADE (in mesh baseball cap & jacket... in August?) with KEVIN FARLEY at the Steve Miller show Wednesday at the Nokia. Not in the "pit", but close and either playing air guitar or making fun of the folks around them ... which was weird because they were there and clearly fans. (I got free tickets and figured what the hell, but I have to say Steve Miller is rock solid and clearly loved by his fans.)

boomp3.com

A crestfallen David Spade left Hollywood hot spot Coco de Ville after being mistaken for daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres ... again. While waiting for a drink at the bar, Spade was tapped on a shoulder by a woman and was told that the woman just loves her talk show and think it's really great that she's going to marry Portia De Rossi ("You've got to lock that down"). When the Rules Of Engagement star turned around, the woman's face turned bright red and she quickly apologized. After the incident, Spade held a mini conference with his amigos about creating a new look; Spade said, "It was okay when I used to get mistaken for a Hanson Brother or Owen Wilson or a Boz Scaggs roadie, but this Ellen comparison is happening too often."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In today's installment: David Spade, Neil Patrick Harris, James Woods, Kathy Griffin, Jason Bateman, Samantha Ronson, Emma Stone, Lisa Bonet, George Foreman and more!

FRIDAY, JULY 4
· Saw LISA BONET (a.k.a. Lilakoi Moon? really?) eating breakfast in Boulder, Co on July 4th. She was wearing a gray (organically dyed, no doubt) cotton (or perhaps organic bamboo) dress, had long dreadlocks, and John Lennon-style round sunglasses. She and her boyfriend Jason Momoa were the picture of multicultural hippiedom. She also seemed cooly unfazed by the Madge-Rod C-Rod Lenny Kravitz clusterf*ck. She might have been high though. It's Boulder after all.

MONDAY, JULY 7
· Saw Lindsay's love-drug SAMANTHA RONSON going through security this morning at LAX. No sign of the Freckled One anywhere. Fine with me. As far as I'm concerned, Samantha's the hotness in that couple.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9
· Saw GEORGE FOREMAN at LAX Wednesday. Didn't have his grill, but had two young men with him. I can only assume it was two of his sons George and George. I must admit, the George's were ridiculously good-looking. Wouldn't mind doing some grilling with them.

FRIDAY, JULY 11
· Spotted in the crowd at Ricky Gervais' sold out show at the Kodak Theater: JASON BATEMAN, KATHY GRIFFIN, JJ ABRAMS, CHERI OTERI and EMMA STONE.

SATURDAY, JULY 12
· NEIL PATRICK HARRIS is starting his workout @ Equinox WeHo right now.

MONDAY, JULY 14
· Stopped at a light in Sunset Plaza, glanced to the right and saw JAMES WOODS sitting at an outdoor table at Cafe Med. Unfortunately, he was with another guy and not engaged in any provocative James Woods behavior like canoodling with a twentysomething or holding up his I.Q. score or M.I.T. diploma....just behaving like a normal citizen, albeit one who sits where all the tourists, not to mention tetchy locals like me, will spot him.

UNDATED
· DAVID SPADE was at a movie theater, the one by the Grove, last week. He was with some girl who was all over him during the movie.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

In today's installment: Alec Baldwin, Miley Cyrus, Seth Rogen, David Spade, Amanda Bynes, Ellen Page, Lawrence Fishburne, Anthony Kiedis, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Mena Suvari, Michael C. Hall, Marilu Henner, Holly Marie Combs, Tempestt Bledsoe, Clea Duvall, Heidi Fleiss and both Rancics, Giuliana and Bill.

APRIL 13
· Just saw Seth Rogen at the Whole Foods at Fairfax and Santa Monica. He was being toted around by his quite attractive yet non-actress brunette girlfriend. She obviously wears the pants so to speak. Seth looked like he normally does; schlubby and definitely not light on his feet.

APRIL 15
· RFD is sort of like shooting vegans in a barrel, but this was too good to pass up. Tuesday, 4/15, there was a near-miss "American Pie" reunion when the kid who played Finch (imdb says, eddie kaye thomas; now appearing on the delightful "til death") left just before Mena Suvari arrived: tramp-stamped, be-wifebeatered, braless. Adjourned to the bathroom for several minutes, came out snuffling and nose-wiping. Hope nobody told her that these days they cut llallo with ground kitten bones.

APRIL 17
· Sid-ibum-Bid-ibum-Do-Me-Til-I'm-Well-Done...Anthony Keidis, looking very tan, well-groomed and happy leaving Blue Plate on Montana with his tall young bride.

APRIL 18
· I went to the 11:10pm screening of Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the Cinerama Dome and who was there but Amanda fucking Bynes! She was wearing black short shorts, gold high heels, and looked a little too young for me to be attracted to her without it being creepy. Amanda seemed to enjoy the movie though, and when she exited the theater she was being followed by an enterprising paparazzo with a video camera.
· GULAGER ALERT! Saw Clu Gulager trying to cross Fountain Ave on Friday, April 18th. Normally I try to hit people that don't use a crosswalk, but the Gulag can walk wherever he damn well pleases.

APRIL 19
· After a few weeks without a celebrity sighting to report, I can happily add not one, but TWO sightings to my favorite Defamer feature! Yesterday (4/19), my friend (who hears 4 times a day that talks just like Juno) and I were at the Hollywood Farmer's Market, when who should walk by but Ellen Page. I saw a lot of greens coming out of her giant reusable bag (could have been lettuce or the tops of carrots). And she wasn't wearing any sunglasses either, unlike Marilu Henner, who was with a hoarde of kids (maybe she was doing a scavenger hunt like Teri Hatcher). Props to Ellen for keeping it real and for helping to save the environment (she says as she goes back to the 90s).
· We saw Alec Baldwin tonight walking by himself through the food court at the Woodland Hills Promenade Mall. He was wearing blue shorts and workout jacket, seemingly oblivious to the crowd around him. He went up to the AMC theater ticket window and seemed to be grilling the cashier about something. We left and came back 10-15 minutes later and he was still there, but this time with another man I didn't recognize. That's the last we saw of him as we headed out to our car.
· Saw Miley Cyrus in the Barnes and Noble at The Grove around 11:15am holding a book called Puddlejumpers and looking at other books in the kids section. She had on giant dark glasses, but nothing else about her was incognito. She went directly to the check-out when a couple of 8-year-olds recognized her. Yeah, a superstar in the kids book section. Wild.

APRIL 20
· Yesterday, while at Swinger's cafe, Michael C. Hall (Dexter / Six Feet Under) and Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter) came to have a post-work out lunch after sweatin' it at Easton's gym across the street. Justin Kirk (Weeds) was also brunchin' it. After my delicious Swinger's lunch I headed over to Target where I saw my favorite funny lady, Ashley Jensen (Extras / Ugly Betty). I really love her! So cute in person too!
· Scariest celeb sighting: Suge Knight was on my flight to Vegas on Saturday afternoon. I guess he's fallen on hard times if he's flying Southwest but his diamonds would say otherwise.
· At the Hollywood Farmers' Market around 11 a.m., Zooey Deschanel was looking very happy (and great looking, without makeup). Her glow might have had something to do with the rave review that the NY Times gave her singing sidebar She and Him.

APRIL 21
· I was at Granville's in Burbank for my buddy's birthday[Happy Birthday Chris!]. We were all hanging out and laughing when someone realized that the girl sitting next to our table was no other than Tempestt Bledsoe a/k/a Vanessa Huxtable. She was having a quiet dinner with a girlfriend. We decided not to bother them but you know The Cosby Show was the show that I associate all these fond memories so my friend and I eventually approached them for a photo [after most of our group had gone home]. Tempestt was very gracious but declined taking a picture because she wasn't in the frame of mind. We accepted that and told her it was a pleasure meeting them. I was a little bit disappointed but my life is complete! I met Vanessa...now if I can met Rudy, life will be just sweet!
· Saw Holly Marie Combs of Charmed fame at Disneyland. Was with son, nanny type, and husband(?) She looked gorgeous, very natural looking without make up, sat on the tram with the rest of us common folk.
· Was at Koi last night, taking the parents (who are visiting from Georgia and were hoping to spot a star) out for dinner. Our party of six, which included my seven-year-old niece, was seated in the table adjacent to David Spade. He was dressed in t-shirt and a huge army green trench and trucker hat, speaking loudly enough to be heard for several tables. If that's not obnoxious enough, he dropped the "F-bomb" several times... fortunately it went right over my niece's head, but we did move her to the other side of the table so she was no longer back-to-back with Potty Mouth. He was with three male friends and kept talking about his career and how "I don't want to spend more than $3,000," presumably on dinner, but who knows. In fairness, he did say "Excuse me," and step aside allow my girlfriend to pass him on her way to the restroom, so maybe he's a gentleman every now and then. The evening left me even further confused about how he landed Heather Locklear, though...

APRIL 23
· Apparently Ventura and Sepulveda is the Beverly and Melrose of C-listers. Two days ago I saw Lawrence
Fishburne at said intersection, dressed in a plaid button down shirt, aviators and ill-fitting jeans. He
was alone and waiting to cross the street towards the Sherman Oaks Galleria. The next day I saw Stephen Root
(thanks IMDb), Mr. I-Believe-You-Have-My-Stapler of Office Space fame, going into the Marmalade Cafe not 1/2 a mile away.
· This one is for all my fellow gay girls out there. Spotted Clea Duvall and Leisha Hailey with two friends at the Tegan and Sara show at The Glass House in Pomona (ew). Two dykons walked right into the heart of a hotbed of lesbians! They were low key and adorable as all hell. Squee-age was kept to a minimum.
· I was having an early dinner (circumstances, not my age) at La Scala in Brentwood (the eggplant is to die for) and who should be in a wall booth facing the entire rest of the surprisingly busy restaurant, she in her giant while sunglasses, he under his giant bowler hat, but Ms. Paris Hilton and true love of the moment Benji Madden. No fanfare, no paparazzi, no idea why they would be having dinner at 5:30 in the afternoon (or perhaps it was lunch?), but drinks and actual food appeared to be consumed in a completely civilized manner, and the parting smile as she brushed against my shoulder on the way out will fuel my pathetic fantasy life for way too long.
· Lo and behold, who comes weaving and stumbling down Hollywood Blvd at 12:45 in the afternoon? None other than former madame Heidi Fleiss. She was decked out in all-white carrying a plastic bag. From a block away, I thought she was a drunk, homeless person. I felt like running to her father's office to demand an intervention.
· As I was pulling up into the parking lot of the Albertons at Hillhurst & Los Feliz at 6:45pm, I immediately noticed a woman exiting the store with huge blonde hair, tiny mini skirt and tight shirt. It's my first Angelyne sighting! Angelyne gets into a pink Corvette with personalized custom tags. Maybe I have low standards, but I thought she actually looked pretty hot for being 100 and I even had my glasses on. However, she must have a pound of make up on. Definitely a G.I.L.F. Oh, another thing. She looked like she didn't want to be bothered but why do you look like that when you are eldery and drive a pink corvette if you are trying to shun attention?

APRIL 24
· Giulianna and Bill Rancic jaywalked in front of my car on La Cienega. Looked like they were heading to Stone Fire Pizza Company. Though I am not sure how G's skinny legs hold her up, they looked cute together, holding hands as they crossed the street.
· Was at the Soup Plantation at the Beverly Connection on Thursday night and saw everyones favorite Goth Labrat, NCIS star Paulie Perrette. She looked really good and had a hairy bearded rocker guy in tow. I gotta learn to play guitar!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

In today's episode: Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong; Justin Timberlake; Susan Sarandon; Kiefer Sutherland; David Beckham; Courtney Love; Lindsay Lohan, Balthazar Getty, Taryn Manning, Avril Lavine and Deryck Whibley; David Spade and Verne Troyer; Anne Heche; Adrian Grenier; James Cromwell, Jeremy Sisto, Lake Bell, and Dita Von Teese; Kyle MacLachlan, Chad Lowe, and Bridget Moynahan; John Mayer; Andy Dick; Christina Ricci; Greg Germann; Ian Ziering; Enrico Colantoni, Judy Reyes, and Curt Smith; Scott Caan; Wanda Sykes; Diablo Cody; Greg Grunberg; Daniel Baldwin; Jason Segal; Zoe Bell; Vanessa Paradis; Nathan Fillion; and Adnan Ghalib.

· Monday 2/11 — Saw MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY spending some of his Fools Gold at Cut. He was having dinner with LANCE ARMSTRONG. Just the two of them ... alone. Two guys dressed very casually sharing wine, steak, and conversation. Matthew's hair was cut very short like Lance's - perhaps they've found their leading man for whatever LiveStrong biopic that's surely in the works.

· On Saturday (2/9) I ran into Justin Timberlake — as in, he got in my way and we accidentally sort of collided — in the lobby of the Ojai Valley Athletic Club. He was there playing basketball with some hot hanger-on chicks and a few (local?) dudes. Very strange.

· Last night (2/10), Susan Sarandon at an outdoor table at the restaurant at the Beverly Wilshire. My friends and I had to do a triple-take because we were arguing that the woman we were looking at was way too young to be Susan Sarandon. Seriously, I'm gayer than a pink hairnet, and this woman was beautiful as hell. Gracious with the staff, blah blah. I'd go on, but I don't want to be accused of being her publicist. Sorry to gush.

· 2.8.08 - Saw Kiefer Sutherland at The Roxy. It was a showcase for the three bands on his record label. He had on jeans, black shirt and a gray blazer. The man is very good looking in person. He was wonderful about stopping and talking to fans and signing autographs. He seemed to be having fun with his friends and kept a very low profile.

· Crawling along Santa Monica Blvd in Beverly Hills on Tuesday afternoon (2/12), none other than Britain's gift to America, David Beckham rides past going down Rodeo Dr. in his convertible Porsche. Along for the ride were at least two of his sons, looking suspiciously unrestrained. Tsk Tsk Becks!

· Courtney Love unnecessarily raising hell at the Troubadour, 11 pm, Thursday night: I was at the Troub to see the Morning Benders open for the Kooks. It was sold out to the gills, so I camped out on the VIP staircase to watch from above. Courtney comes tearing up the stairs, with a blond minion in tow and no VIP pass. When the nice security guy asked her to please leave the VIP area, she said, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The security guy then had a long talk with her to convince her that he was serious about not permitting her in the area, at which point the blond minion RAN to get her a pass. A pissed Courtney stood there grudgingly until the woman came back with the wristband. She waved the wristband in the security guy's face, and tried to brush by him once again. At which point he informed her that she needed to put the wristband ON. News flash: The world is over Courtney Love and her rockstar bullshit. When is Courtney going to get over it, too?

· Well I guess the quiet neighborhood Italian restaurant my parents love is now the hottest meal ticket in town. Last night, Thursday, Feb 7, at Madeo: Lindsay Lohan with brown hair, Balthazar Getty & wife, Taryn Manning & Boyfriend (Mams Taylor), pre fight and leaving in a black Rolls Royce Phantom, as Avril Lavine and Deryck Whibley arrived in their black SUV. What a night!

· A bearded David Spade and shockingly tiny Verne Troyer chilling together last night (2/7) in the most visible entry area of Ketchup on Sunset. Laughing and drinking and skeezing out on the Playmate-types circling them. Could someone please give these two a basic-cable reality show? Like, now? I'll make it easy for you, VH1 junior alternative development exec. Just cut and paste this PrivacyWatch sighting into an email and send to your boss. I won't even ask for a commission.

· Anne Heche dining with 2 or 3 other peeps at Mercedes Grill in MDR last night, Feb 7. Pretty & petite with a black fedora that she surprisingly pulled off while simultaneously wearing cargo pants. She's a smoker, yuck.

· Just saw Adrian Grenier, looking mighty scruffy at the MOCA opening tonight. Didn't really see who he was with, but it seemed like he was being left alone. I wonder if he Jacksoned the Pollock out of anyone after the show.

· Fun times at Hugo's in West Hollywood, Sunday February 10: The inexplicably famous Dita Von Teese (who's notability, as far as I can tell, is due only to having been married to a mid-level rock star, as emulating styles of 60 years ago and removing said styles in the 'burlesque' fashion is, no matter how well it is done, neither unique nor worthy of such fame).Far more exciting was our second viewing of prominent Oscar-nominated 'that guy' James Cromwell, the ever delightful Jeremy Sisto (who my fiancee insists bears uncanny resemblance to Skeet Ulrich, who was not there and the comparison isn't true anyway) and the underrated Lake Bell (also the second time we've seen her there). Sisto, on leaving after a quick coffee with someone I didn't recognize, proceeded to have friendly conversations with both Cromwell (a 'Six Feet Under reunion' as commented by the lady at a table nearby) and Bell.

· Today, Sunday 2/10, was a fabulous day at Hugo's on Santa Monica! First, Dita von Teese walked in, wearing a great 40s-style outfit and looking flawless as always. Her skin is to die for! Then, I saw Jeremy Sisto from Six Feet Under and Clueless...he was scruffy but looking good! He ate and then lingered outside for a while talking to some girls. Also at Hugo's was his Six Feet co-star James Cromwell! He was so, so tall! Jeremy and James saw each other after a while and had a friendly hello.

· Friday 2/8, at the Rhett Miller show at the Troubadour, Bridget Moynahan wearing a Giants hat (kidding!) and looking good post-Brady Baby. Also Chad Lowe looking, well, like Chad Lowe.

Also, Monday 2/11 at the Stairs in Santa Monica, John Mayer slowly walking off the champagne and caviar from Grammy night.

· Prior to going to the Rhett Miller show at the troubadour on fri (2/8) my friend and I hit Lou on Vine for a bite and some vino... sitting near the bar was agent Dale Cooper, Kyle MacLachlan. He wears the hell out of a pair of Levi's. Hit the show, Rhett was amazing, no surprise there, but as we were leaving Bridget Moynahan came down from the VIP section looking for Rhett. She looked great, was with some girlfriends....

· Friday February 8th - Went to the Woods where Andy Dick, in the spirit of Adrian Grenier, asked if he could "blank" the "blank" out of me. I declined, and he proceeded to chat up a booth of blondes, who must have been more receptive.

Later that same night, I saw a blonde Christina Ricci at Denny's, accompanied by an two older gentlemen. I'm not sure of what she ordered, but she looked very cute with no makeup.

· Feb 7 - At a party in Chinatown for Dwell Magazine. Bizarrely, so is Andy Dick —drinking beer (is he supposed to be sober?) — and he's chatting with Greg Germann from Ally McBeal. Picture attached.

· Sunday 2/10: Hiking Runyon Canyon with a friend was Ian Ziering. Later, at Studio City Jamba Juice, spotted Judy Reyes from Scrubs. Then at the upstairs California Pizza Kitchen, Enrico Colantoni (Just Shoot Me & Veronica Mars) was eating lunch with his family. At the next table Curt Smith from Tears for Fears (!!!) was having lunch with his daughters and helping them color. So cute.

· Yesterday (2/5) my friends and I spotted Scott Caan of Oceans 11,12,13, etc fame at the Whole Foods at Santa Monica and Fairfax. He wearing one of those hats, like a fedora but smaller (porkpie?). He was also wearing black Chucks. Typical Hollywood short but definitely do-able.

· Writing this on my cell, so it will be short. Right now (5:30pm on Monday, Feb 11) Wanda Sykes at Marix in WeHo. Walked in with a guy and a girl.

· 2/06 at the new retail space called: Grove, one Diablo Cody, looking just like her EW illo!

· On my way to work Downtown today (Feb 6) and was walking past the Original Pantry and saw Greg Grunberg, (OFFICER PARKMAN from HEROES) standing outside waiting. He was texting on his phone and he caught me staring and then I pulled out my phone so I think he was waiting for me to go for it, but I felt silly. And also I could feel him reading my thoughts about the whole situation...

About an hour ago I was walking to 3rd street promenade from a parking garage on 2nd, when someone asked me for a light. It was a VERY drunk Daniel Baldwin! Any other time, I wouldn't have batted an eye, but one of my guilty pleasures just happens to be Celebrity Rehab (I know, I can't help it). So seeing Daniel drunk was quite a shock! I didn't say anything for fear he would lose it, so I obliged and lit his cigarette. Then he staggered off alone without saying thank you. I guess Celebrity Rehab really doesn't work.

· 2/1 Was forced to go to a series of one act plays friday night and not happy about it. Was excited, however, when I saw Jason Segal of How I Met Your Mother sitting in the front row. I've crushed on him since Freaks and Geeks! I assumed he was there to support a fellow writer or actor. Spotted him again during intermission kissie-facing one of the actresses in the play:( As much as I wanted to hate her - she was gorgeous - I couldn't because she was hilarious in the show and incredibly sweet when I told her great job which,yes, also allowed me to get closer to my crush.

· Wednesday 02/05 Death Proof's Zoe Bell drinking a PBR and checking out the art at the imuhwherwulf opening at the Thought Gallery in Hollywood. In person she was a total double threat. Not only was she very pretty but she looked like she could beat up half the dudes there. Granted half the guys there were wearing girl's jeans but still.

· Today (10-Feb) I was enjoying a gorgeous day at Disneyland's California Adventures when I should happen to look over and see Vanessa Paradis, Johnny Depp's "girl", (as he refers to her). She was with their young son Jack who looked to be having a fantastic time and a Disney VIP Liaison. I didn't see their daughter nor the Demon Barber himself. I think I was pretty much the only person in the vicinity to have any clue who she was.

· Tuesday 2/5 Nathan Fillion (you'll always be captain tight pants to me) with a lady friend taking in Wicked at the Pantages.

· 2/11 - Last night, I watched professional toolbox, Adnan Ghalib, dining with a young coquettish brunette at SFValley celebrity haunt Hugo's Studio City. He had an animated conversation outside whilst re-read the menu - thrice. I was surprised to see the amount of bling he was wearing, and watched him inappropriately touch the waitress on her arm. I need to bathe again...he makes me feel greasy. Who do these people think they are?

Just kidding, Diablo! We don't blame you. We blame Judd Apatow. But then again, we don't really blame him, either. The truth of the matter is this: we haven't really fully formulated a hypothesis as to why this is happening. We have just noticed that it IS happening at a much-higher rate than it has during the entire time we've been blogging. Admittedly, as far as the Scientific Method is concerned, we're only on Step 2 of an eight-step process. Which means we have miles to go before we sleep. But just like the Katie Holmes Marathon Conspiracy, we WILL get to the bottom of this. Of this you can be assured.

In today's episode: Gwyneth Paltrow and Jack Black; Robert Downey Jr.; Deep Roy; Steve Martin; Stevie Wonder; Alicia Silverstone; Aaron Eckhart; Kevin Connolly; Elisabeth ShueDavid Spade; Michael Rapaport; Wentworth Miller; BJ Novak; Justin Chambers; Avril Lavigne; Tommy Chong; Kyle Howard and Robert Patrick Benedict.

· Took my lady to the Arcade Fire show at the Greek Theatre 5/29/07. We had back row seats but the staff were looking to fill the pit with people by way of Birthdays. So happens we were able to finagle our way down as her B-day was last Thursday. Anyway, as the headliner got started I noticed the familiar face of Gwyneth Paltrow (sans Chris Martin) enjoying the show right next to my girlfriend. Just so happens she is her favorite all-time actor/fashionista so I had to take some unauthorized (crappy) pictures through the night. (See above.) We asked for a real one at the end of show but she didn't want attention brought to her. She was very sweet to my gal and even wrapped her arm around her. She still is in dreamland meeting her icon.
Also saw Jack Black and I said to him that I enjoyed his film and he replied with a nice handshake. A terrific performance made for a memorable night!

· -Friday (05/25) 9:00pm. Spotted Tim Burton's oompa loompa-muse Deep Roy in the pub drinking a martini at Ye Olde King's Head in Santa Monica. At first I thought it was Weng Weng.

-Sunday (05/27) 10:00pm. Robert Downey Jr. at Toi in Santa Monica with two teenage boys and a woman. Dressed casually, very low-key.

· I just saw steve martin leaving the newsroom on robertson alone with a newspaper under his arm. I like him. This was a tough tip to report though because it means that I have had to first accept and then move beyond the shame of being on robertson blvd in the first place for I am way too hip for that :(

· Saw Steve Martin last night (5/23) at Orso or as my friend said, "an old man masquerading as Steve Martin." IMDB tells us that Martin will turn 62 this year, so actually, he looked pretty good - sitting at a table in a brown jacket with what I believed to be an age-appropriate dinner date and then another couple about the same age. For someone so animated in the movies, in real life he moved like an over-60 man with that famous white hair looking just a little old-man thinned and combed-over. No, I couldn't tell if he was drinking Vin de Idaho through a straw or if he asked the waiter if he could "smell the bottle cap," so I'll just assume that's how it played out.

· Saturday May 26th- Stevie Wonder dining at Mauro's Cafe in Fred Segal/Ron Herman Melrose. I immediately recognized his long and lustrous dreadlocks and knew it was The Stevie Wonder. He was dining in the corner of the restaurant with a group of people at around 5pm.

· I was wondering what was up with the two yet-to-be-occupied seats on the full flight Saturday (5/26) from DC Dulles to LAX. But once we were all seated STEVIE WONDER got on the plane accompanied by his valet. (Thank goodness I'd horded frequent flier miles to fly first class.) To be in the presence for a few hours of a genius of his super awesome stature and all around amazingness made me feel er, too high (too many bad puns all around). As my dad says, there are celebrity sightings, and then there's sitting one row away from Stevie friggin' Wonder. He fell asleep asap and was catching flies the whole flight; I was worried that my crying baby would wake him. When we got to the gate his valet immediately escorted him over to the restroom where he remained while most other folks — who didn't notice him to begin with — de-planed.

Today at the Hollywood Farmers Market we spotted a haggard Alicia Silverstone. Hmm, yawn.

· Apparently, the stars were out in full force this past Memorial Day weekend, as was I, but I guess I just missed them. Here's who I did see on Sun., 5/27. Aaron Eckhart looked hot strolling along Robertson with an unidentifiable, pretty brunette. Just back from shooting Entourage goes to Cannes, Kevin Connolly looked a little antsy wandering around BLD until his party showed up - 2 hip-looking, non-famous chicks.

· Thurs 5/24: Saw onetime harried babysitter and Vegas-hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Elisabeth Shue at LAX on Thursday night, experiencing some kind of delay at the front of the security line. Luckily, the situation was resolved without her having to send her baby through the x-ray machine to prove that it was no threat to other passengers' safety.

· Saw David Spade last night (5/24) at Stone Fire Pizza on La Cienega. He was walking to the back door with a to-go bag, alone. He looked tired and dirty.

· Saw the king of "whack white boy" cameos, Michael Rapaport at the post office on Fairfax just north of Santa Monica yesterday (5/29). Big, tall guy whose curly hair now just kind of frames a large bald spot on the top of his head. He was buying tons of stamps - five sheets of the new "Star Wars" ones and then about a dozen more sheets of some other kind. A somewhat crazy-sounding woman in line called out to him as he left, "Hey - I'm a really big fan of yours." Rapaport turned and thanked her, sincerely it sounded like, with a smile and headed out. Seemed pretty high energy, but nice. I think the postal employee waiting on him was amused by who had shown up at her window. Saw him in a Sundance movie last year called "Special" that he was actually pretty good in, but it was the kind of festival-only movie that'll probably never again see the light of day.

· On Saturday, May 26 and again on Memorial Day, spotted a very handsome and wet Wentworth Miller at the Hollywood Y. I think he was just emerging from the pool. Unlike other celebrity sightings, he did not disappoint. Tall and handsome.

· BJ Novak (aka Ryan the Temp) at the top of Runyon Canyon Monday afternoon. He was with a guy friend, and I guess now that he's going to be Michael Scott's boss he really is king of the world.

· 5/24 Runyon Canyon: Dr. Alex Karev himself (Justin Chambers) making his way down the main road with a male friend. He's got a cute little buddha belly thing going on.

· Saw Avril Lavigne and a bunch of band-member-looking types waiting for valet outside Geisha House Thursday night (5/24). She was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, short skirt, and too much eyeliner, for those who care. I was walking my dog and she ran up to pet it, then jokingly/not-jokingly accused me of buying him to pick up girls. (Couldn't really argue since I was walking a five-month-old puppy past a night club at 10:30 at night.) No sign of Deryck.

· 5/26/07, 4:30 p.m.: Here's a great one for the 12 or 13 straight guys who read Defamer: Shannon Tweed, the top-loaded blonde centerfold and soft-core skin-flick pioneer who later spit out Gene Simmons' kids, was in line alone at the WeHo Pinkberry, keeping it together in a black top, tight jeans, red lipstick and big glasses. From 10 feet away, the facelift looked like an outstanding investment; she's 50, according to IMDB, and would pass for 35 anywhere outside WeHo. She could definitely still play a tough-but-tender district attorney who falls in hot-monkey-sex love with a mysterious record producer who just might be the prime suspect in her cop ex-husband's investigation of a series of kinky stripper murders. One guy at Pinkberry noticed her and said hello, probably thanking her on behalf of his right hand during those lonely nights in high school. She got her medium yogurt-related food substance with blueberries and drove away in a silver Mercedes.

· 4/21/07 AirTran flight ATL to LAX (cheap! and XM radio)
Business Class (it was $80 more and you don't have to mix with the masses— they makes Southwest clientele look high end)
Tommy Chong with his hot blond late 40ish wife with sad hairstyle (honey, a bun with huge swaths of your long front hair left out "to frame your face" was never really a "do").
She requested in a "see who we are" way to have someone move so they could sit together. Tommy, said nothing and followed obediently and sat when she told him.

He is looking old - totally white hair, and beard paired with Hawaiian shirt, Dockers and birks with socks! (ick), but virile and sinewy arms— at baggage claim he was last seen hefting all sorts of luggage onto a self service baggage cart and then pushing the overloaded cart into the night. Wifey was no where to be seen.

· Saturday, 5/26 Sunset 5 Theatre, Kyle Howard and his mom showing the love for former Grosse Point co-star Lindsay Sloan at the 7:10pm showing of The TV Set. How cute, taking the moms out for a date on a Saturday night.

· I saw Robert Patrick Benedict from Felicity checking out his old castmate Keri Russell's film "Waitress" at the Arclight this past Saturday.

• Spade on Charity: What Would Clooney Do? [TMZ.com]

In today's episode: Forest Whitaker; Orlando Bloom; David Caruso; Dustin Hoffman; Jay Leno; David Spade; Ryan Reynolds; Tony Hale and Kelly Clarkson; Tim Allen; Tim Allen; Giovani Ribisi, Danielle Rees, and Zooey Deschanel; Scott Speedman; Thomas Lennon; Meg White; Brooke Burke and David Charvet.; Ben Harper and Laura Dern; Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb; Mario Lopez, Dante Spencer, and Isaac Cohen; Nick Carter, Brian Littrell, and Howie Dorough; Justin Guarini and Jesse Camp.

· So I went to this Hollywood Reporter reception at Crustacean on Monday and was enjoying wine and mini-bowls of garlic noodles when Academy Award Winner Forest Whitaker (please bold entire phrase) cruised by with his wife. Good sighting, but it gets better. On his way to the door, a little Asian guy in the jazz/R&B band notices Forrest and announces on the loudspeaker "Forest! Forest!" and somehow convinces the couple to come to the front of the room. The guy then proceeds to get everyone's attention and SERENADE him with John Lennon's "Imagine." Extremely awkward. The crowd just kind of looked on in puzzlement. But Forest was gracious, posed for a few photos with that little woman who owns the place, then high-tailed it to the valet (literally I think I heard screech marks when he pulled away).

· — Viceroy Hotel in Palm Springs (Saturday 10 March)...was lounging by the pool with cocktails and friends and saw what looked like a weathered version of David Caruso...yeah, you can guess where this is going...it was David Caruso. He was down there for his wife's birthday and she brought 4 fellow gays with her (2 of which were quite hot). They appeared to have a few small children (his?) and nannies in tow. He said hello and seemed like a nice guy but I really wanted him to pull his sunglasses down and tell me I was going to jail for killing his brother or something.

— Il Sole (12 March)...birthday dinner with friends (long ass wait but amazing food) and in strolls Orlando Bloom with an angry publicist type. Its not a big restaurant but he proceeded to be greeted by or greet someone at almost every table. There was one oversized blonde with an English accent that hovered around him most of the time...she looked familiar but I have no idea who she is. Orlando was sporting some curly brown locks and a cute sweater. He's a bit too girlish for my taste, and I don't think he can act his way out of a paper sack, but he's cute so who cares. Four paparazzi were waiting for him outside the restaurant.

· 3/12 pm- Saw Mr. Focker himself, Dustin Hoffman, at my current fav restaurant and serious Cougar hangout, Bandera in Brentwood. Pretty much what I expected him to look like, and seemed really nice. I was hoping to see him with Sacha Baron Cohen, since I've heard they've been joined at the hip lately- but no luck. That would have been niiiicccceeee.....

· I'm driving down some side street in Burbank last week trying to beat the traffic on Hollywood Way to the Burbank Airport, when I see some aged contraption ahead with billowing mounds of black smoke coming from where the exhaust pipe should be. I mean this thing was a pollutin' machine. The neighbors probably thought the street had been closed to film the next Towering Inferno movie. I pull up alongside the driver, give him a dirty look, and it's none other than Jay Leno. He doesn't smile, just returns the dirty look, I pass him and continue on my way.

· if you ever want to have breakfast with david spade (and why would you?) he can apparently be found at the belmont on la cienega. the last 3 times i was there with family he was eating inside with "his posse". my mother says he has "dookie drawers" which means he has a big ass. i don't know if he actually wears adult diapers full of shit but whatevs. he's usually there with kevin farley ( brother of the late chris farley) who looks good. david is, per usual. tiny and a bit girlish. does heather have lezzie tendencies???

· Fri 3/16 @ 11:50am - Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds, getting ready to ride off on his silver Ducati motorcycle on Roxbury Drive and little Santa Monica. The bike caught my attention first before the rider.

· Saw Tony Hale and his lovely wife at the amazing Patty Griffin show at the Wiltern tonight, 3/13 — Buster was always my favorite Bluth so I had to try hard not to geek out. They seemed very normal/cute.
Also saw Kelly Clarkson at the same show, very low-key ... hat and no makeup, and accompanied by an older woman—maybe her mom? Thumbs up to Kelly for her taste in music ... I knew I always liked that kid for a reason!

· gelson's studio city, tues nite, about 6ish. there's tim allen, who's next to me in the frozen pizza section (wouldn't he have a personal chef or something?) he opts for digiornio's while i get california pizza kitchen. he gives me one of those "surprised friendly" smiles that makes me think at first that i know him. all i can think of is that heonce got busted for DUI, right? i never watched "home improvement."

· Giovanni Ribisi with a newly blonded Danielle Rees, Zooey Deschanel and other male friend at the dive bar "Little Joy" in Echo Park. The girls are both gorgeous in person albeit quite a bit thinner than I'd imagined. They were hamming it up in the dj booth while the fellas looked on. Giovanni, like a fine wine, is getting better with age. I'd never thought of him as "sexy" before, but a few dignified lines and some facial hair have changed my heart. All four of them were drinking water or red bull all night. (Scientology thing maybe?) They seemed happy. No PDA to be seen though.

· Wed 3/10 @ 4:00pm - A very bearded Scott Speedman outside the Arclight lobby by himself heading towards the parking lot.

· Saturday, the 10th, spotted Thomas Lennon from Reno 911 walked in the Jamba Juice near Beverly Center. He was sporting his character's famous 'stache and enjoying a morning walk with his dog. About an hour later, inside Bev Cen, Dita Von Teese was walking near the Louis Vuitton store. She looks EXACTLY the same in person, jet black hair, red lipstick, and a tight black outfit.

· Thursday, the 15th, Meg White from The White Stripes was dining at Swingers on Beverly. She looked totally casual and relaxed, even though it was 2 in the morning. Two guys joined her at the booth, but Jack was not there.

· Don't know if this counts as a "celebrity" (the line is murky these days), but saw Brooke Burke and hubby (??? looks like a leftover from "Baywatch") [ed. note Extreme Makeover's Garth Fisher M.D. Baywatch's David Charvet] eating at Blue Plate on Montana in SM on Sunday. I can't remember what she's famous for, other than taking her clothes off and some shit on E! She was in a sun dress thing-y and flipflops that probably cost more than all of our meals combined. Sunglasses and baby strapped to her ample (fake) boobs.

I'm not a fan of her (looked very plastic), but the other two males thought she looked good (the woman in our group gave her a "eh"). Apparently Brooke and her annoyingly LA hubby forgot to either pay or take their credit card. Weird confusion that resulted in the waitress running after them. They came back to clear up the confusion, but by then the four of us had lost interest in the soap opera.

Mere seconds later, Ben Harper and Laura Dern sauntered by (near the Peet's at the corner). Looking attractive, tall and lean— they're a couple who looks like they enjoy a lot of sex. Usually I'm not a Laura Dern fan, but damn...she was looking fine. And Ben is almost hot enough to turn a man gay. I thought to myself that I'd kill for that physique (as I puffed stupidly on my post-breakfast cig). My brother was visiting from out of town, so it was a nice "welcome to LA" morning. Now, if only I can stumble across Grace Park, I'll die a happy man.

· 3/11 - On Sunday, I passed Donald Faison w/ Cacee Cobb pulling into the parking lot at the Coffee Bean on Sunset & Hayworth. He was driving a black Prius and looking very happy.

· Shopping at Macy's Glendale Galleria last Friday afternoon (March 10) when I ran into Isaac Cohen, Britney's ex, browsing the men's department.
I stuck around for a few minutes later and realized he was there to work a Cubavera event. Around an hour later, Mario Lopez shows up for a meet and greet.
People lined up to see him flash the mega dimple smile and maybe see him strut his stuff, but no dancing there. And to complete the trio of man candy, Dante Spencer (I know he's Paula Abdul's ex because somebody said so) also worked the room. I must say, all three were easy on the eyes and caused quite a stir among the ladies.

· Saturday March 10th. Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame with hot Latina in tow at the Magic Castle. At one point during a show, a magician called out, "Hey Mario, I see you here all the time. Are you a member or something?" to which a slightly embarassed Lopez replied in the affirmative. So I guess that's what he's been doing since the Bayside years ended.

· Yesterday, March 13th at Koo Koo Roo in Museum Square area on Wilshire Blvd. Three Backstreet Boys, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell, and Nick Carter (I had to look up their names on the internet) were spotted having lunch with two other guys. We did not see them leave as they exited out the back door. Imagine that...the Backstreet Boys going back door?

· Tuesday, 3/13.

So I waited on Justin Guarini tonight, along with two of his friends. He's fairly tall, reasonably polite, but needs a haircut. But on to the important stuff:
Their bill was $167. My tip? $10. Stellar. Really classy. To be quasi-fair, they paid $140 cash and Justin put the rest on his card...and he was the one that left a tip. So one could make the argument that he tipped me well, but his friends are fuckers. However, Justin, you're still culpable because you have shitty, ill-bred friends who stiffed me.

· I don't even know if this counts but it's definintely a random sighting.

On the 304 bus this morning heading toward Santa Monica, I'm almost positive former mtv vj Jesse Camp was passed out a few seats ahead of me. Homeboy is still going for the homeless glam rocker look. Eventually woke up and began text messaging before getting off somewhere in Santa Monica. Maybe a meeting at mtv??? Bizarre.

" 'The Showbiz Show' found its voice during the second season and really hit its stride to turn into appointment viewing for our celeb-crazed culture," said Lauren Corrao, Comedy Central executive vp original programming and development. "Our viewers, including celebrities themselves, tune-in to 'Showbiz' each week to get David's incomparable take on the latest Hollywood gossip, scandals and self-obsession."

The story also notes that Spade has also been made a "last-minute addition" to the CBS midseason sitcom Rules of Engagement, a project produced by aforementioned BFF Sandler's Happy Madison. We can't wait for the new season's first installment of Self-Referential Cardboard Puppet Theater (which is always a refreshing break from the self-mocking asides that comprise 50 percent of the show), in which the host's popsicle-stick stand-in and his movie star pal discuss how Spade only got the gig by offering to clean Sandler's pool twice a week until the show is eventually cancelled.

• Comedy digs Spade, picks up show for 3rd season [THR]

In today's episode: Jessica Simpson; Lindsay Lohan; Robert Downey Jr.; David Spade and Kevin Farley; Hugh Hefner and The Girls Next Door; Simon Cowell; Danny DeVito and Danny Bonaduce; Jason Alexander; Amy Adams and Paula Malcomson; Tate Donovan; Harry Hamlin; Charles Fleischer and Tawny Kitaen.

· Yesterday (Wednesday) - early afternoon. Jessica Simpson was shopping at Ralph's supermarket, 12842 Ventura Blvd, Studio City. Someone must have tipped the press as a gang of paparazzi and a Channel 2 TV news truck lurked out front.

· Saw Lindsay Lohan shopping with her mom at Century City today. She actually looked cute, but I couldn't tell if she had freckles coming out of her vagina or not...

· Saw a very studly looking Robert Downey Jr. lunch at Lilly's in Venice Friday September 8th.

· Saw David Spade and Kevin Farley (brother of Chris) at the Rainbow Room before the +44 show next door. I'd imagine that Spade is a HUGE +44 fan, but I didn't see him at the show. Sighting rules dictate that since Kevin was in both Tommy Boy and Black Sheep, this counts as seeing Spade and Chris together.

· Thank goodness I'm moving away from LA next week, as I don't think I could ever have a funnier celeb sighting. As I was driving home from pole dancing class on Thursday, along Melrose, I see Hugh Hefner and the Girls Next Door in front of the Improv. He's less old looking and more waxy than I would have thought, where as they looked exactly as I would have thought. While the sheer number of cameras and posing and preening might indicate that there was some kind of event, I drove home happily imagining Hef and co at a regular crappy improv comedy show shouting out non-hilarious things like "cherry picker!" every time some poor sweaty comedian shouts out "Ok, what's my job?"

· Saw Simon Cowell at the AA terminal in LAX on Sunday (9/10). He was chatting up a blonde while his girlfriend collected all their luggage. If that didn't show enough lack of manners, when his phone rang instead of answering it himself he tossed it to her so that it wouldn't interrupt his conversation.

· Saw Danny DeVito AND Danny Bonaduce both going to the same 2:30 pm showing of "Hollywoodland" at the Arclight, on Wednesday, Sept. 13.

Danny B looks like he's been rode hard and put away wet.

· Monday 9/11 I was sitting jury duty.....well, waiting in that big jury holding cell....with JASON ALEXANDER. Don't know if he got called since I was in the first group. He was chatting with a friend he had run into there, and she managed to get excused immediately. Didn't catch the conversation.

· I forgot to promptly send in these two Hollywood Bowl sightings from the Willie Nelson, etc. concert on Sunday night:

Amy Adams, very pretty and petite in line for drinks before the show.

I was happy enough with that, but the gods were smiling, and who should be chatting with friends in our very row (section L, kind of high up average seats), but my favorite HBO whore, Paula Malcomson aka Trixie on "Deadwood." Since it was in between sets, my husband complimented her on her fine work and she actually started chatting with us, telling us she cancelled her HBO already and hopes the two planned movies work out. Very gracious and sweet, and superpretty in person—and so tiny! Her Irish accent is of course charming as well. She's a damn fine actress, since she was nothing like the volatile Old West prostitute she plays on T.V.

· 9/12: A bonafide B-list celebrity sighting at the Whole Foods Westwood around 6 pm. Tate Donovan, looking thinner and longer in the tooth than I expected, talking on his black razr and walking around the deli section. Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Aniston hit that???

· Tuesday 9/12, 10:30 p.m. at The Grove - Harry Hamlin strolling through the quiet shopping complex sans Ms. Rinna, looking casual in blue jeans and sneakers, holding a plastic bag and listening to something on headphones - maybe it was the samba or waltz, considering he was starting on Dancing with the Stars that very night.

· Charles Fleischer was at Starbucks in Sherman Oaks on 9/12/06 at 10:00AM making everyone laugh. He was pointing to the bake case for his order and asked for the fly buzzing around in the case. "I'll have the fly, is it fresh? I don't want any frozen flies," he said and the Starbucks employee responded by saying that their flies were, "Free range, with no hormones or additives."
I died.

· 9/12 at Neiman Marcus, on the escalator: Tawny Kitaen, looking frazzled, as if she expected Florence Henderson to jump out from behind the better sportswear section