The assumption when any television show hit ends its run is that the stars will go on to fame and fortune and other projects. Sometimes that happens and we never hear from them again (see Friends and inexplicably Full House) but when it doesn't, they all rush back to familiar territory to jump start their careers. Here's are scale from the worst to best.

Dynasty
Final Episode: May 1989
Breakout Stars: Heather Locklear, Emma Samms (just kidding)
Reunion: Dynasty: The Reunion aired in August 1991. The came back for another go-round Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar in 2006.
Cause: There were some cliffhanger plotlines to tie up, and really, nobody was doing anything else. Also, shoulder pads were about to go out of style, so they had to do it to save on the wardrobe budget.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: So bad it's campy.

Firefly
Final Episode: August 2003
Breakout Stars: Does anyone beside us and hardcore Joss Whedon fans even remember this?
Reunion: Serenity hit movie theaters in September, 2005
Cause: To try to get someone, anyone, to finally watch this thing. It failed.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: Did it have any to start with?

Sex and the City
Final Episode: February 2004
Breakout Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, who was the biggest show when the series started. Everyone else found out there really aren't any roles for women over 30.
Reunion: Sex and the City: The Movie came out in May 2008 and broke box office records. A sequel is planned
Cause: These ladies needed a way to make some money. And, obviously, cosmo-swilling Midwestern "fashionistas" demanded it.
Held Out: 4 years.
Respectability: Shameless.

The X-Files
Final Episode: May 2002
Breakout Stars: David Duchovny, who was only a recurring character on the show's final two seasons, is doing quite well on Californication.
Reunion: X-Files: I Want to Believe, the second movie based on the show, failed at the box office in July of 2008.
Cause: We still haven't figured this one out.
Held Out: 6 years.
Respectability: Pretty lame.

Seinfeld
Final Episode: May 1998
Breakout Stars: All of them, but the biggest has been Larry David, now of Curb Your Enthusiasm who wasn't even an actor on the show. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is still holding down The Adventures of Old Christine. Jerry Seinfeld sits in his house and counts his money, only leaving occasionally to do stand-up, American Express commercials, and The Bee Movie. Jason Alexander had a few failed sitcoms and KFC commercials. Michael Richards had a racist rant that ruined his career.
Reunion: On the cover of Entertainment Weekly August 2009.
Cause: They'll all guest on Curb Your Enthusiasm this year, where a Seinfeld reunion becomes a meta plot point. For a giggle. They're all still rolling in residuals.
Held Out: 11 years.
Respectability: High.

Facts of Life
Final Episode: May 1988
Breakout Stars: Nancy McKeon was a Lifetime fixture before going to rock the tween set on the Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. George Clooney did two seasons.
Reunion: The Facts of Life Reunion aired on ABC in November 2001
Cause: Because the gays thought it would be fun and Mrs. Garrett wasn't getting any younger.
Held Out: 13 years.
Respectability: Surprising good. This also seems to be the exception that proves the rule, either that or all the girls have given up on acting careers.

Saved by the Bell
Final Episode: May 1993 (we're not counting The College Years, which ended in 1994)
Breakout Stars: Mark-Paul Gosselaar did the later seasons of NYPD Blue and is now a hit on cable's Raising the Bar. Tiffani Amber Thiessen did 90210, Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, Fastlane, and Good Morning, Miami. Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls and became a Hollywood punchline, Mario Lopez danced with stars, and Dustin Diamond released a sex tape.
Reunion: The cover of People in August 2009.
Cause: Because it was either that or Jimmy Kimmel.
Held Out:16 years.
Respectability: Amazing!

While appearing on last night's Tonight Show, a wary Duchovny did his damnedest to avoid any potentially tumescent lines of conversation, yet every time he backed away, he found himself stepping into a new pile of "that's what she said"-level innuendo. Of particular interest to Jay Leno (and Tea Leoni's lawyers) was the onetime designation of Duchovny as "head boy," a one-innocent schoolboy title that loses some of its rakish flavor each time a 48-year-old Duchovny uses it at the craft services table to open up a double entendre-filled conversation with a hot background extra named "Misty." [The Tonight Show]

"Yeah, we played tennis and we were playing partners and friends," she says. "There is no romance, and we are just friends. No love, nothing. That is all I have to say."

Duchovny's lawyer weighed in on the matter to People:

"The stories about an alleged affair between David Duchovny and his tennis instructor, Edit Pakay, are completely false," attorney Larry Stein says..."Ms. Pakay denied the rumors to me in person last Friday, saying they are just friends, and in addition, said in writing that such stories are 'lies and deceit," he says.

Shame on you, America, for assuming that Pakay was attempting to imply an affair with innocent statements like "I don't want to be the third person in the marriage but I know it can be seen that way." Can't a tennis coach sell her story to a British tabloid, provide personal photos of herself and Owen Wilson, and drop incriminating hints about her ex-employer without everyone jumping to conclusions? Now, if you'll excuse her, Ms. Pakay has to go recreate some notorious teacup pictures for Life & Style — by which she means nothing, ravenous media wolves!

• David Duchovny's Tennis Instructor Denies Affair [E!]

• Lawyer: David Duchovny Denies Affair with Tennis Instructor [People]

Speaking last night, Edit admitted: 'We have a very, very close friendship. I don't want to be the third person in the marriage but I know it can be seen that way.

...When asked directly if her relationship with the film and TV star had developed into a full-blown sexual affair, Edit said: 'I don't want to say anything that might hurt David. I am not going to deny it. I don't know what our relationship means to him.'

...Reflecting on her relationship with Duchovny, Edit said: 'I might talk more later.

At the moment I cannot. I have a lot of pride. If I talk about my relationship-with David, people will think I am just some girl who talks to the Press.

'I am not like that. If you want to write that we have an affair then fine. I will not argue against it."

Pakay's attempt to dissuade people from thinking she's "just some girl who talks to the Press," by talking to the Press deserves some convoluted kudos, though at this point, we're not sure what to believe anymore. Did Duchovny menage it up with alien bounty hunters? Did he attempt to replace an increasingly over-it Tea Leoni with Annabeth Gish? At this point, no twist seems too far-fetched (and since we bought the whole "Baby William" thing, that's really saying something).

• 'An affair? I'm not going to deny it': Tennis coach tells of her close friendship with 'sex addict' David Duchovny as he splits from wife [Daily Mail]

It was not [Duchovny's] 'sexual compulsion proclivity' that caused the break-down of their marriage, but rather his discovery of explicit text messages on [Leoni's] mobile phone sent by actor Billy Bob Thornton.

Through the texts Duchovny found out she had begun a relationship with Oscar-winning actor Billy Bob Thornton, 53, who was formerly married to Angelina Jolie.

Five-times married Billy Bob met Téa when they made a comedy film together earlier this year called Manure.

Thornton, a musician with his own band, has been seen with Téa at his gigs.

'She even helps him load and unload his truck,' says a friend of the couple.

What gives, Mulder? After all the nubile background players you've shown your X-Files to, can't your wife enjoy some groupie action with Angelina Jolie's sloppy seconds? Yes, the stench of patchouli and Wild Turkey that would emanate from even a text message might be hard to take, but you made your bed, David. Now lie in it (and without that cute 20-year-old PA who "really loved you in Trust the Man").

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Sex addict David Duchovny splits from wife Téa Leoni after discovering HER 'illicit affair' with Billy Bob Thornton [Daily Mail]

Dean Winters
Role on Sex: Carrie's fuck buddy John McFadden. After her second massive break from big, Carrie attempts to make her fuck buddy John into a real boyfriend. This attempt fails miserably.
Where Is He Now: Since his hard time in Carrie, Dean Winters moved on to greener pastures: he has a recurring role as Liz Lemon's hilariously deadbeat boyfriend on 30 Rock, Dennis "the beeper king" Duffy. He also has a recurring role on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

John Slattery
Role on Sex: Bill Kelley, an up-and-coming politician and total silver fox. His relationship with Carrie fizzles because he's obsessed with golden showers.
Where Is He Now: As silvery and foxy as ever, John plays slimy-yet-handsome ad exec Roger Sterling. He also had a recurring role on Desperate Housewives, but our hearts belong to Roger.

David Duchovny
Role on Sex: Carrie's erstwhile high school boyfriend Jeremy. He lives in Denver, but has taken a trip out East so he can go to a mental institution. His relationship with Carrie is a no-go because of his mental fragility, but that did not preclude them from knocking the boots a couple times.
Where Is He Now: We all know that David stars as a sex addict on the acclaimed Showtime dramedy Californication and also in his actual life. He was already a bona fide TV star before his time on Sex, but perhaps his time in Carrie-land inspired him to take the more emotionally complex role of Hank Moody on Californication.

Craig Bierko
Role on Sex: Creepy jazz-obsessed Ray King. Things do not work out with Carrie because he can barely hold a conversation that doesn't involve music.
Where Is He Now: earlier this year, Craig starred in a Fox sitcom called Unhitched with Rashida Jones. He played Jack 'Gator' Gately, a 35-year-old who recently divorced his college sweetheart. He is back in the dating scene and totally clueless. Even though it was produced by There's Something About Mary scribes Bobby and Peter Farrelly, the show was canceled after six episodes. However, we know that Carrie holds a leprauchan-ish pot of gold between those gams of hers, so we have high hopes that Craig's TV career will rebound in the near future!

• Californication [Showtime]

He said Tea gave him an ultimatum: "Get treatment or our marriage is over," a source told the tab, which is riding high after getting former presidential candidate John Edwards to admit his tomcattin'.

"At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed," The Enquirer contends.

US Weekly concurs that Duchovny, 48, "has a history of indiscretions," according to "multiple sources." The mag claims he put the moves on an extra on his Showtime hit, "Californication." "They ended up making out," alleges a source. "She later heard this wasn't the first time he'd taken special interest in an extra."

Since checking in for a 35-day course at the Meadows rehab center in Wickenburg, Ariz., Duchovny has been visited by his supportive wife, who has been forced to scratch promotional appearances for her new comedy, "Ghost Town."

There's no telling how much of Duchovny's five-week sex rehab stint has yet to be completed, but we suppose if he had to dry out somewhere, "Wickenburg, Arizona" sounds as good a place as any. Still, we wonder if this presages a drop in deep background eye candy when Californication returns for its second season. Should sex-addicted novelist Hank Moody find his way to the Playboy Mansion, will the grotto be filled not with Playboy bunnies but with first-round casting rejects from Lifetime's Fat Friends?

• Cheat sheet found in David Duchovny's Sex Files [NY Daily News]

One of them was that he’d been caught having an affair with his tennis instructor (a woman) and that he was undergoing rehab to save his marriage.

Alas, it isn’t so, says a close friend [editor's note: "alas"?]. Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

I have inferred from my conversation with Duchovny’s friend that this has something to do with an addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction, where the person is just hopelessly trapped in chat rooms.

...When Duchovny is done with the rehab, I’m also told that he and Tea and their kids will complete their move to Manhattan’s Upper East Side from Hollywood. They will be very welcome here, as Tea is much in demand work-wise. Duchovny will have more "Californication" and plenty of offers. New York doesn’t solve all your problems, but it’s a much more realistic place to live than Los Angeles.

The truth is here, not out there.

If you say so, Rodge! Sounds to us like Duchovny's problem could be better served by a DSL downgrade than by a sudden uptick in falafel and population density, but then again, that might just be our non-"realistic," Left Coast point-of-view talking. Duchovny might find it hard to shake his online persona ("HouseOfDP") no matter which city he chooses to land in, but call us optimists: we want to believe.

• David Duchovny Sex Scandal: No Affair [Fox News]

In 1997, the actor denied rumors that he himself was a sex addict.

"I'm single and I had a long-term girlfriend up until last November," Duchovny told Playgirl magazine. "I have been seen with more than one woman in the last few months, so I'm an easy target for those kind of things."

He continued "I'm not a sex addict. I have never been to those meetings. It's hurtful to my family and if I was involved with a woman in a monogamous relationship, it would be hurtful to her. There was another story claiming I was a neat freak. If I had to choose one of the two, I think I'd rather be a sex addict."

It appears Duchovny chose unwisely, though he'll certainly be raking in awkward, free promotion when Californication returns for its upcoming second season. While we're sure the actor regrets the damage done to his family (as well as that suddenly damaging, soul-baring interview to Playgirl — but they were so friendly!), we can't say we're that surprised. After all, this is the man who sullied the polite tradition of tea time forever by posing with a cup covering areas that only Dana Scully is meant to investigate. If the truth is out there, we really shoulda seen this coming.

• David Duchovny Enters Rehab for Sex Addiction [Us]

Alas, there they were: David Duchovny, X-Files creator/director Chris Carter, writer/producer Frank Spotnitz and cascades of withering shrieks inside the Majestic Crest. Oh, and two lightly spoilerrific clips — a couple minutes each, the longest sustained orgasm most of the attendees have had since the show went off the air.

And by lightly, we mean lightly: A guy gets it in the face and hand with a trowel, winds up in the snow. Crazy psychic Billy Connelly finds him buried. Enter special agents Mulder and Scully. Brooding follows — lots of it. And that's... all? See you in five weeks!

The rest of the night was pure subterfuge, unless you count Carter's faux-reluctant disclosure of a research trip to, ahem, Cleveland. He would barely talk about his means of secret-keeping, allowing only that his and Spotnitz's paranoia was such that ahead of shooting, department heads were allowed script reads only in a sealed room with a camera trained on them and no notes allowed. Duchovny said he had to beg for a screenplay of his own — a bit of a regression from the first film 10 years ago, when the red, Xerox-proof script pages simply made it hard to read his lines.

Once he got the script, Duchovny was still in the dark as to where Mulder had been since the TV show's run — which was fine by him. "When you look back at when Gillian [Anderson] and I first played the characters in 1993, the idea of trying to be that guy in reruns right now — as much as I'd love to — would be a little embarrassing," he said. "That's probably one of the most interesting things for an actor to try: to embody the same character as time goes by. Not wanting to be a cartoon character frozen in time, but a character who changes in time."

Like... how? "No," Duchovny said, shutting the door on yet another plot thread. "It's one of the reasons I wanted to continue playing this character; I wanted to take him on this journey he started in 1993. ... He's frustrated. He hasn't changed. He's a quester; he's always going to be looking."

To that end, Spotnitz plucked a few hundred gushing audience heartstrings by confessing how much he missed his characters. Duchovny one-upped him, recalling Carter's teariness the day of the first read-through ("Awwww!" again, right on cue) and citing a fan video screened on set north of Vancouver. "I just remember thinking, 'Oh fuck, I've gotta deliver,' " he said.

One fan asked when 20th Century Fox would be delivering on its own end — trailers? Teasers? Commercials? Anything? Indeed, awareness beyond fans isn't especially high, as Spotnitz inferred with Fox brass sitting right in the front row. "We had a big marketing meeting with the studio and they assured us that by July 25 everyone will know about this movie," he said. And in the event they take to it, it's set up for a third edition in the next two to three years.

We guess we'll wait and see, but meanwhile, we've scanned the program for a few daily recommendations you might consider through the end of the festival — from no-budget micro-horror to a primate-centric Charlton Heston tribute to a Reitman family gab session. See them all (and add your own tips) after the jump. And give us a ride, would you? We're quiet, clean and can probably fit in your trunk.

Tonight: Start the fest in style by crashing the premiere and after-party of Wanted; assuming she shows up, it's likely the only way Entertainment Tonight can be sure Angelina Jolie has not yet made twins.

Friday, June 20: Not to be confused with Alan Ball's execrable eye-terror Towelhead, the Duplass Brothers' Baghead is a nifty comedy/horror hybrid about four struggling actors who hit a cabin in the woods to hash out a screenplay for themselves. Creative tension gives way to sexual tension, which in turn gives way to a bag-wearing homicidal maniac. What, your writing partners never tried to kill you? Alternate: Swear-A-Long Scarface at the Ford Amphitheater. It is what it sounds like.

Saturday, June 21: After eluding their damn dirty hands in April once and for all, the late Charlton Heston receives a free tribute screening of Planet of the Apes outdoors on Broxton Ave. Alternate: Mystery Science Theater 3000 creator Joel Hodgson and his Cinematic Titanic crew return for a live-on-stage lampooning of Roger Corman's The Wasp Woman.

Sunday, June 22: David Duchovny and Chris Carter drop by the Crest to show clips from X Files: I Want to Believe and deflect amateur screenwriters' offers during the Q&A to write the franchise's next film. Alternate: The engrossing, Sundance-winning doc Man on Wire, about the wack-job who walked between the World Trade Center towers on a tightrope in 1974.

Monday, June 23: Ivan and Jason Reitman chat all things Canadian and nepotistic in a conversation at the Geffen Playhouse. Alternate: Guillermo del Toro chats all things monsters and Hobbit at the Billy Wilder Theater.

Tuesday, June 24: A late revival screening of The Lost Boys promises "special guests" (someone named "Corey" is a high-percentage guess) and a preview of the straight-to-DVD sequel Lost Boys: The Tribe. Alternate: Una Noche con Antonio Banderas at el Teatro de Guillermo Wilder.

Wednesday, June 25: We haven't seen Paper or Plastic?, but any documentary about a grocery-bagging competition in Las Vegas seems virtually guaranteed to soar. Alternate: Josh Safdie's kleptomaniacal Cannes and South By Southwest sensation The Pleasure of Being Robbed.

Thursday, June 26: The Russian social "satire" Cargo 200 is arguably the bleakest, most uncommercial and bitterly amusing film we've seen this year. Which is to say we loved it. See it now or wait for Netflix. Alternate: Rob Reiner gets his spittly, hyperventilating election-year game going with a screening and discussion of his 1995 film The American President.

Friday, June 27: Night Flight: Born Again revisits the gone-but-not-forgotten program's stash of music videos, interviews, shorts and other cult artifacts that made it the compelling (if short-lived) analog to '80s-era MTV. Alternate: If that's not fringe enough for you, three hours' worth of Kuchar brothers films are screening at the same time down the street at the Billy Wilder Theater.

Saturday, June 28: Another crash-worthy gala premiere of Hellboy II: The Golden Army starts winding things down, followed by more monsters-and-Hobbit talk from Guillermo del Toro. Alternate: The Peter Bart-approved crankhead opus Heidi Fleiss: The Would-Be Madam of Crystal.

Sunday, June 30: The W Westwood hosts a 20th-anniversary screening of A Fish Called Wanda. Alternate: None. Are you kidding? Have you seen A Fish Called Wanda?

· Julian Schnabel learned of his Best Director win at New York City airport baggage carousel, upon turning his cellphone on: "It was very glamorous. It was one of those existential moments. I was extremely happy." [USA Today]
· Like Ernest Borgnine's bash, Sweeney Todd producer Richard Zanuck made it a family affair, taking in the press conference from his son's home in Beverly Hills—which is nice, but not, like, seated next to Johnny Depp with lots of water glasses and fancy silverware nice: "I must say, it's a wonderful thing to be seated at a table and all the suspense of that. All that was nonexistent (tonight), but it doesn't take away from the honor." [Variety]
· "Glenn Close, best TV actress/drama for FX's Damages, was in a bar in New York's meatpacking district with the show's cast and crew. 'It's a wonderful way to watch — we were rooting for our team.'" She then mounted the counter at the Brass Monkey for a celebratory striptease patrons won't soon forget. [ABC News]
· Best Actor in TV Series, Musical or Comedy winner David Duchovny went to see a movie while the winners were announced: "I kinda didn't want to watch, it would just make me tense or nervous, so I went out to see a movie at four (o'clock) and I knew I wouldn't be home until it was announced. I knew if my phone was ringing when I walked into my hotel room that I would have won. And it was. Nobody calls a loser." And with that, this year's ceremony wiped the snot from its nose as it checked its phone in vain for any congratulatory messages. [AP]

Now, reports THR ESQ, the Chili Peppers are suing:

The Peppers don't claim Federal trademark infringement. Instead they allege state law claims of unfair competition, dilution of value of the "Californication" mark and unjust enrichment.

"Californication is the signature CD, video and song of the band's career, and for some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right," band frontman Anthony Kiedis says [in a press release].

One would have thought that at least one clearance report red flag might have gone up alerting the network to the possibility of legal troubles down the line should they have chosen to borrow Kiedis's coinage without paying for the privilege. Still, faced with the series's rather cumbersome original working title of Midlife Crisis Featuring Bitter, Boozy Writer Who Gets Barrels of Pussy in an Improbable L.A. Teeming With Hot Bookworm Groupies, we can understand how they might have perhaps too hastily chosen to go with the far catchier one-word moniker.

• Red Hot Chili Peppers Sue Showtime over 'Californication' Title [THR ESQ]