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TV’s number one supercop, David Caruso, put his sharp detective skills to work and finally solved The Mystery of the Great Pumpkin that has been plaguing the L.A. area for the last few years. Tilting his shades down, Caruso said, “Looks like Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater came home to roost,” and off in the distance the familiar strains of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled” started to play. According to Caruso, the Great Pumpkin wasn’t one giant pumpkin, but multiple pumpkins standing on top of each other while wearing a large orange trench coat. As a reward, Caruso was given his choice of any pumpkin and heaping amount of praise and thanks.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Hide the children and follow the jump to enter the frightening world of... the David Caruso Stalker Chronicles.

As recently as April, Austrian authorities were reportedly searching for an unnamed 41-year-old woman who skipped her trial on charges of stalking and threatening to kill Caruso and his "butt-ugly Latina whore" — generally believed to be his former TV wife Alana De La Garza. That was the last we heard of it before this week, when a subculture of stalker hunters leapt out of the woodwork and into our morning coffee. And they make the outlandish Marilyn Monroe collectibles circuit seem better-adjusted than a Honda:

Yesterday this site published the above photos of David Caruso's stalker, speculating that the photo on the left was indeed David Caruso's stalker. As predicted, when Gabriele Huber's Internet access became available in her spider hole, she went into triple overtime vehemently denying these images were her. Does that mean the woman posting the denials IS Caruso's stalker but the photos aren't? Huber also denied using the pseudonyms Vixen, Anonymous, and QB2die4 as well to post these denials. As Frank Tripp would say, honey that's a "felony stupid."

Er, right. Anyway, if you happen to see this woman bumping around Innsbruck, feel free to casually ask if she caught last week's CSI: Miami or if she knows where to find a good defense lawyer. Just in case, you know? Caruso's bullied, beleaguered crews are counting on you.

• The Stalker Chronicles

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CSI: Miami star David Caruso was more than willing to pose for photos with fans of the popular CBS series. Caruso even rattled off a few of his beloved one liners while taking his trademark sunglasses on and off. One fan took the rather surreal experience to the next level by playing the series' theme song on their phone. Caruso laughed, then put on sunglasses and said, "That's the sound of me missing my flight," while the phone played the ringtone again.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

It's taken me a bit of courage to actually fess up to what I've seen on the set of CSI:Miami, but I actually worked there for two years and saw first-hand almost 50 episodes being filmed. Caruso is without a doubt, the most tortured, saddest man-child/ actor I've ever seen in over 15 years of movie and tv-making. Everything you have heard is true, but worse.

He can't walk and talk at the same time (you should see him on stairs), requires dozens of takes for simplest line-readings (which as we all know, he can only do one way), and can't even put his CSI gloves on on-camera (always a time cut, just watch). He will cuss uncontrollably (often in front of a child actor) and blame everyone but himself for his inability to act. He used to hack up big loogies on the floor of the set, too, until a producer gently reminded him of sanitation and courtesy. Oh, and he re-writes every scene he is in, so he is totally to blame for the hackneyed one-liners. He will take anything the writers give him, and destroy it. And the sunglass bit is all his, a truly innovative contribution to his character. But as he said to us many times, "What should I do? I am a grown man with red hair."

We used to call the diet coke his "acting juice."

PS - He once asked the DP to make it seem like he was flying to the crime scene, explaining that Horatio is actually a mythical superhero. For Real.

For real, indeed! Thanks again to OnSetSnitch.
PREVIOUSLY: David Caruso Bullies Young Director Into Shooting Umpteenth Sunglasses Removal Scene

David Caruso asks [the show's director] when there will be a close up of [his] sunglasses - in every scene.

Here's the full, unedited text of the Popbitch item (typos/Anglo-isms theirs):

Just back from LA and was staying with a friend who's in Jericho. One of the scriptwriters for the show used to work on CSI: Miami and apparently David Caruso r4eally is the arse he appears. A new director was setting up a shot and as he was laying out the scene suggested that Caruso should walk through a door, into a room and pick up a bottle of something and open it etc. The producers took the tyro to one side and pointed out that "David gets a bit lost in props". Reasonably pointing out that it was quite a simple manoeuvre he was told that there was only a limited amount of time for the shoot and David didn't have the time to work out the meaning of the props. Gradually the action was whittled down to him just walking through the door and giving his line. To this the young director is once again taken to one side and it is explained to him that "David isn't very good with thresholds". He also asks when, in the scene, there will be a close up of the sunglasses - in every scene.

• Popbitch
• CSI Miami: David Caruso One Liners II: Sunglasses Edition [YouTube]

In today's episode: Forest Whitaker; Orlando Bloom; David Caruso; Dustin Hoffman; Jay Leno; David Spade; Ryan Reynolds; Tony Hale and Kelly Clarkson; Tim Allen; Tim Allen; Giovani Ribisi, Danielle Rees, and Zooey Deschanel; Scott Speedman; Thomas Lennon; Meg White; Brooke Burke and David Charvet.; Ben Harper and Laura Dern; Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb; Mario Lopez, Dante Spencer, and Isaac Cohen; Nick Carter, Brian Littrell, and Howie Dorough; Justin Guarini and Jesse Camp.

· So I went to this Hollywood Reporter reception at Crustacean on Monday and was enjoying wine and mini-bowls of garlic noodles when Academy Award Winner Forest Whitaker (please bold entire phrase) cruised by with his wife. Good sighting, but it gets better. On his way to the door, a little Asian guy in the jazz/R&B band notices Forrest and announces on the loudspeaker "Forest! Forest!" and somehow convinces the couple to come to the front of the room. The guy then proceeds to get everyone's attention and SERENADE him with John Lennon's "Imagine." Extremely awkward. The crowd just kind of looked on in puzzlement. But Forest was gracious, posed for a few photos with that little woman who owns the place, then high-tailed it to the valet (literally I think I heard screech marks when he pulled away).

· — Viceroy Hotel in Palm Springs (Saturday 10 March)...was lounging by the pool with cocktails and friends and saw what looked like a weathered version of David Caruso...yeah, you can guess where this is going...it was David Caruso. He was down there for his wife's birthday and she brought 4 fellow gays with her (2 of which were quite hot). They appeared to have a few small children (his?) and nannies in tow. He said hello and seemed like a nice guy but I really wanted him to pull his sunglasses down and tell me I was going to jail for killing his brother or something.

— Il Sole (12 March)...birthday dinner with friends (long ass wait but amazing food) and in strolls Orlando Bloom with an angry publicist type. Its not a big restaurant but he proceeded to be greeted by or greet someone at almost every table. There was one oversized blonde with an English accent that hovered around him most of the time...she looked familiar but I have no idea who she is. Orlando was sporting some curly brown locks and a cute sweater. He's a bit too girlish for my taste, and I don't think he can act his way out of a paper sack, but he's cute so who cares. Four paparazzi were waiting for him outside the restaurant.

· 3/12 pm- Saw Mr. Focker himself, Dustin Hoffman, at my current fav restaurant and serious Cougar hangout, Bandera in Brentwood. Pretty much what I expected him to look like, and seemed really nice. I was hoping to see him with Sacha Baron Cohen, since I've heard they've been joined at the hip lately- but no luck. That would have been niiiicccceeee.....

· I'm driving down some side street in Burbank last week trying to beat the traffic on Hollywood Way to the Burbank Airport, when I see some aged contraption ahead with billowing mounds of black smoke coming from where the exhaust pipe should be. I mean this thing was a pollutin' machine. The neighbors probably thought the street had been closed to film the next Towering Inferno movie. I pull up alongside the driver, give him a dirty look, and it's none other than Jay Leno. He doesn't smile, just returns the dirty look, I pass him and continue on my way.

· if you ever want to have breakfast with david spade (and why would you?) he can apparently be found at the belmont on la cienega. the last 3 times i was there with family he was eating inside with "his posse". my mother says he has "dookie drawers" which means he has a big ass. i don't know if he actually wears adult diapers full of shit but whatevs. he's usually there with kevin farley ( brother of the late chris farley) who looks good. david is, per usual. tiny and a bit girlish. does heather have lezzie tendencies???

· Fri 3/16 @ 11:50am - Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds, getting ready to ride off on his silver Ducati motorcycle on Roxbury Drive and little Santa Monica. The bike caught my attention first before the rider.

· Saw Tony Hale and his lovely wife at the amazing Patty Griffin show at the Wiltern tonight, 3/13 — Buster was always my favorite Bluth so I had to try hard not to geek out. They seemed very normal/cute.
Also saw Kelly Clarkson at the same show, very low-key ... hat and no makeup, and accompanied by an older woman—maybe her mom? Thumbs up to Kelly for her taste in music ... I knew I always liked that kid for a reason!

· gelson's studio city, tues nite, about 6ish. there's tim allen, who's next to me in the frozen pizza section (wouldn't he have a personal chef or something?) he opts for digiornio's while i get california pizza kitchen. he gives me one of those "surprised friendly" smiles that makes me think at first that i know him. all i can think of is that heonce got busted for DUI, right? i never watched "home improvement."

· Giovanni Ribisi with a newly blonded Danielle Rees, Zooey Deschanel and other male friend at the dive bar "Little Joy" in Echo Park. The girls are both gorgeous in person albeit quite a bit thinner than I'd imagined. They were hamming it up in the dj booth while the fellas looked on. Giovanni, like a fine wine, is getting better with age. I'd never thought of him as "sexy" before, but a few dignified lines and some facial hair have changed my heart. All four of them were drinking water or red bull all night. (Scientology thing maybe?) They seemed happy. No PDA to be seen though.

· Wed 3/10 @ 4:00pm - A very bearded Scott Speedman outside the Arclight lobby by himself heading towards the parking lot.

· Saturday, the 10th, spotted Thomas Lennon from Reno 911 walked in the Jamba Juice near Beverly Center. He was sporting his character's famous 'stache and enjoying a morning walk with his dog. About an hour later, inside Bev Cen, Dita Von Teese was walking near the Louis Vuitton store. She looks EXACTLY the same in person, jet black hair, red lipstick, and a tight black outfit.

· Thursday, the 15th, Meg White from The White Stripes was dining at Swingers on Beverly. She looked totally casual and relaxed, even though it was 2 in the morning. Two guys joined her at the booth, but Jack was not there.

· Don't know if this counts as a "celebrity" (the line is murky these days), but saw Brooke Burke and hubby (??? looks like a leftover from "Baywatch") [ed. note Extreme Makeover's Garth Fisher M.D. Baywatch's David Charvet] eating at Blue Plate on Montana in SM on Sunday. I can't remember what she's famous for, other than taking her clothes off and some shit on E! She was in a sun dress thing-y and flipflops that probably cost more than all of our meals combined. Sunglasses and baby strapped to her ample (fake) boobs.

I'm not a fan of her (looked very plastic), but the other two males thought she looked good (the woman in our group gave her a "eh"). Apparently Brooke and her annoyingly LA hubby forgot to either pay or take their credit card. Weird confusion that resulted in the waitress running after them. They came back to clear up the confusion, but by then the four of us had lost interest in the soap opera.

Mere seconds later, Ben Harper and Laura Dern sauntered by (near the Peet's at the corner). Looking attractive, tall and lean— they're a couple who looks like they enjoy a lot of sex. Usually I'm not a Laura Dern fan, but damn...she was looking fine. And Ben is almost hot enough to turn a man gay. I thought to myself that I'd kill for that physique (as I puffed stupidly on my post-breakfast cig). My brother was visiting from out of town, so it was a nice "welcome to LA" morning. Now, if only I can stumble across Grace Park, I'll die a happy man.

· 3/11 - On Sunday, I passed Donald Faison w/ Cacee Cobb pulling into the parking lot at the Coffee Bean on Sunset & Hayworth. He was driving a black Prius and looking very happy.

· Shopping at Macy's Glendale Galleria last Friday afternoon (March 10) when I ran into Isaac Cohen, Britney's ex, browsing the men's department.
I stuck around for a few minutes later and realized he was there to work a Cubavera event. Around an hour later, Mario Lopez shows up for a meet and greet.
People lined up to see him flash the mega dimple smile and maybe see him strut his stuff, but no dancing there. And to complete the trio of man candy, Dante Spencer (I know he's Paula Abdul's ex because somebody said so) also worked the room. I must say, all three were easy on the eyes and caused quite a stir among the ladies.

· Saturday March 10th. Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame with hot Latina in tow at the Magic Castle. At one point during a show, a magician called out, "Hey Mario, I see you here all the time. Are you a member or something?" to which a slightly embarassed Lopez replied in the affirmative. So I guess that's what he's been doing since the Bayside years ended.

· Yesterday, March 13th at Koo Koo Roo in Museum Square area on Wilshire Blvd. Three Backstreet Boys, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell, and Nick Carter (I had to look up their names on the internet) were spotted having lunch with two other guys. We did not see them leave as they exited out the back door. Imagine that...the Backstreet Boys going back door?

· Tuesday, 3/13.

So I waited on Justin Guarini tonight, along with two of his friends. He's fairly tall, reasonably polite, but needs a haircut. But on to the important stuff:
Their bill was $167. My tip? $10. Stellar. Really classy. To be quasi-fair, they paid $140 cash and Justin put the rest on his card...and he was the one that left a tip. So one could make the argument that he tipped me well, but his friends are fuckers. However, Justin, you're still culpable because you have shitty, ill-bred friends who stiffed me.

· I don't even know if this counts but it's definintely a random sighting.

On the 304 bus this morning heading toward Santa Monica, I'm almost positive former mtv vj Jesse Camp was passed out a few seats ahead of me. Homeboy is still going for the homeless glam rocker look. Eventually woke up and began text messaging before getting off somewhere in Santa Monica. Maybe a meeting at mtv??? Bizarre.

As a rule, the sequel is never quite as satisfying as the original, but this follow-up to the YouTubes sensation "Seven Minutes and Fifteen Mind-Blowing Seconds Of David Caruso One-Liners," spotlighting only the times the dialogue-devouring star supplements his patented delivery by shielding his eyes from both the punishing Miami sun and his own actorly brilliance, has its own charms: note that just before the one minute mark, we're treated to a sequence in which Caruso bolts from the frame after he's done his bit, as if anxious to remind the director, "Now that...is how you end a cold open," before heading off in dogged pursuit of another line to murder.

• CSI Miami: David Caruso One Liners II: Sunglasses Edition [YouTube]