Away in the Archie
God Rest Ye Archie Gentlemen
Archie the Snow Man
Archie Wonderland
Hark! The Herald Archies Sing
It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Archie
Archie Bells
Little Archie Boy
Archie Baby
We Archie A Merry Christmas
O Archie Tree
Archie Claus is Coming to Town
I Saw Archie Kissing Santa Claus

[Photo source: Getty Images]

Well, apparently he does, as an interview conducted by Kathy Griffin backstage at The Bonnie Hunt Show today revealed that Archuleta read our track-by-track review of his debut CD, or at least glanced at the video of girls reacting to his real-time defeat at the top of the page. (A reader tells us Kathy also name dropped us on the air, so we feel we owe her something in return: "Your rack is banging in that Hello Kitty shirt." There.) According to Arch, he was led to the post by his bestubbled vanquisher, David Cook—suggesting Cook reads Defamer as well. Enh, whatever. That's cool, we guess. [Kathy Griffin's MySpace]

1. "Crush"
This is the single you've likely heard several hundred times already, though you may not have been aware of it. It's the subliminal soundtrack coaxing you to the WalMart Top 20 CD rack and Junior Boys department, when all you really needed was a phillips head screwdriver. And how is it? Um, are you familiar with the term "freaking awesome?" Sexually confused pubescent angst and longing never felt so catchy! Sing it Archie—you're the only thing keeping us from tumbling off this elliptical crosstrainer we call life. Just his falsetto on the word "back" in "holding back" is enough to reduce Joe the Plumber to Joe the Screaming 13-Year-Old Girl Plumber. Score: A

2. "Touch My Hand"
Not really loving the first stanza. Archie's talking directly to us again, though. He's speaking to us! (Squeal!) Ho now, wait now—bridge is building nicely. OK, now we could see cranking this up on the 405 and screaming out, "Only me, only you, and the band...Trying to reach out to you, touch my hand!" to a passing Mexican road worker. OK now we're officially sold. We get it. We're in the audience, just one of the "sparkle of a million flashlights," and Archie is onstage, trying to find us. We're here, Archie! In the nosebleeds! It was all we could find on Craigslist at the last minute without having to go into the three-digits!
Score: B+

3. "Barriers"
Right away, we don't like where this song is going. "Barriers?" What's that supposed to mean? Are you inferring we've become too clingy? We beg to disagree. Oh, who are we kidding, Arch. Your soaring, soulful tenor just kicked in. "Too many locks, too many crimes, Too many tears, too many lies." We're glad you've finally come around. Now remove that double-bolt to your heart and let us in.
Score: C+

4. "My Hands"
Just to avoid confusion, this song differs from the last one about Archie's hands because this time he doesn't want us to "touch" his hands, but rather "hold on (don't let go of my hands)." It's a subtle but crucial difference. Holding on suggests our relationship has progressed, and we've gotten over the trust issues lingering from the last song.
Score: C-

5. "You Can"
Acoustic guitar plucking, a pensive "Hmmmmm." Yes, we can practically picture the shaved koala narrowing his eyes and nodding his head meaningfully as he begs us to, "Save me from myself, you can. And it's you and no one else...'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, You can." Yes, he's still singing directly to us. You know...it's not that the power has shifted in our relationship, per se, it's just—we're just really kind of tired tonight, Arch. Like, we were just gonna make some microwave popcorn and watch some TiVod Gossip Girl and—oh, you missed last night's episode too? But we really need to study, and...oh, our mom's calling us...We'll call you back tomorrow, OK? Yes, of course everything's alright. OK, byeeee.....
Score: C

6. "Running"
Nice! A little more upbeat. Hand claps. Sort of Don Henley divided by Hanson minus the gritty edge. Archie's cute again.
Score: B

7. "Desperate"
Uh oh. This one starts with an ominous '80s synthline, and a faraway Archie echoing, "Deeessssperaaaateeee." We don't associate desperation with David Archuleta. That's like calling a Care Bear a spouse-beater. Next!
Score: C

There's three more songs, but we have a feeling you're as emotionally spent right now as we are. It's OK. We understand. Loving Archie will do that to you. As for the record, separately, the parts amounted to significantly less than the sum. But the sum—oh, what a sum! You just want to pinch its little cheeks off!

Overall Score: A-

Your fanbase is bum rushing your houses of worship, hoisting placards demanding back their pillaged civil rights with the very hands that feverishly dialed in your 1-866-IDOLS number during your own moment of need. Only one child can bring these two sides together. The One. The Archie. Just leave your father at home, and remember what we always told you: song choice, song choice, song choice. Now what are you waiting for—a sign in some cornfield? Go save the world, kiddo! We're counting on you!

• David Archuleta set to move beyond "Idol" [Reuters]

For starters, the bashful, 17-year-old demi-Honduran seemed more nervous than usual in his introductory video package—not the energized nerves of a confident performer that might lead him to erupt into spontaneous choruses of "Flashdance... What a Feeling," but rather the white-knuckle distress of someone walking into a final matriculation unprepared. His admission that he is almost completely illiterate to the Lennon/McCartney songbook did not reassure us, either, particularly from a performer whose angelic interpretation of "Imagine" was what was credited with securing his coveted spot on the Big Stage in the first place.

And there he stood—a tiny, twittering uvula hanging at the back of a giant, flashing orifice. Put aside for a moment the fact that the song he chose, "We Can Work It Out," was in every way beyond his technical means. Ignore too the disconcerting lip-moistening between every verse, and the auto-show-model arm gestures. The Chosen One had committed the cardinal Idol no-no, failing to heed the one admonishment drilled into our heads repeatedly by Idol's Wayne Brady-hosted, ghetto follow-up: He forgot the lyrics, and in doing so, went in the span of one verse from Messiah to Sanjaya.

• americanidol.com

first floated by VoteFortheWorst.com, it turns out Hernandez did indeed work at a Phoenix gentlemen-only pole-dancing venue called Dick's Cabaret, "appearing fully nude and performing lap dances for the club's 'mostly male' clientele." We hope, in its mature seventh season, that Idol can overlook such past transgressions, even if it requires sitting David Archuleta down for a delicate explanation of why Hernandez's middle-aged, moustachioed cheering section wave dollar bills in the air after his every Idol performance.

And because one controversy is hardly enough, we also offer the above MySpace video of contestant Danny Noriega's delivering some Christmastime good tidings. God bless us, every one!

• KissNation
• Strip Club: 'Idol' Once Danced Here [ABC News/AP]

Besides winning Star Search 2.0's junior singing competition, Guanabee has unearthed this home video of Archuleta freezing the cast of the first season of Idol in their tracks with a showstopping rendition of Dreamgirls diva anthem "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going." That's right: a pre-fame Kelly Clarkson, staring 7 years into the future, into the eyes of the pipsqueak prodigy frontrunner of the current Idol season. That's how the Chosen One rolls.

• David Archuleta Sings Song From "Dream Girls," Is Our Adorable Little Dream Boy [Guanabee]