Hours after McKenzie Phillips' revelations of her "consensual" sexual relationship with her father swept media by storm, singer/talent judge/tabloid coverboy David Hasselhoff, a man who can't stand to sit on the sidelines of history, threw his 17-year-old daughter into the car and headed straight over to West Hollywood's noted sex shop Coco de Meraccording a TMZ report. Too soon?

So media, start cutting your special segments today, go ahead and order up your special edition covers, alert Barbara Walters to keep her beeper close to her head while she sleeps so she can leap out of the bed and slide down the breaking story fire pole and into the studio at a moment's notice. There is a humongous publicity tsunami hanging in the balance, waiting to be set off by a scientific confirmation that Celebrity Inappropriate Family Behavior is in fact a trend. And it is very hard to imagine that with all the venerable show biz families who buried the last vestiges of their shame eons ago, that there won't be just one of them willing to step up to the mat and claim their share of this negative PR goldmine.

Celebrity: David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman
Car: K.I.T.T.
Why So Embarrassing: It's the creepy thumbs up that makes this picture awesome to everyone not in it.
Suggested By: F1Morgan, Scandanavian Flick

Celebrity: 50 Cent
Car: Pontiac G8 GXP
Why So Embarrassing: Though we love the car, it doesn't particularly do it any good to get tarted up by 50 Cent on what seems to be the down-slope of his career. We bet Kanye could have sold more G8s.
Suggested By: BuickBoy92

Celebrity: Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, John Travolta, William H. Macy
Car: Harley Davidson Bikes
Why So Embarrassing: The four of them look like a gay biker gang, but not in the good way. We do give them props for their realistic portrayal of the typical lame Harley owner in this shot from the film Wild Hogs.
Suggested By: Golferal

Celebrity: Michael Johnson
Car: C4 Corvette
Why So Embarrassing: Oh so 1990s. You may be fast, but you'll never outrun this Glamour Shot.
Photo Credit: Mike Powell /Allsport

Celebrity: Mila Kunis
Car: Lexus SC430
Why So Embarrassing: We're not big fans of the Lexus SC430, but it's not particularly embarrassing. Parking it in a handicapped spot to grab a coffee is.

Celebrity: Michael Phelps
Car: Mazda6/Atenza
Why So Embarrassing: Immediately following his pot bust/gold medal marathon Phelps was tasked with pushing the Mazda brand in China. We'd probably start using drugs as well.

Celebrity: Andre Agassi
Car: Vector W8
Why So Embarrassing: Posing near a Vector W8 is only cool in a semi-ironic sort of way. In this case, Agassi is trying to show off all he has: big hair, awkward car, soon-to-be-ex girlfriend.

Photo Credit: John Russell/Getty Images

Celebrity: Danica Patrick
Car: Chevrolet Bel Air
Why So Embarrassing: Danica Patrick is talented, but she also understands the connection between her sex appeal and her ability to get sponsors. Unfortunately, this photo is just awkward. It's supposed to be enticing and seductive but the strange outfit and uncomfortable look makes us wish we'd never seen this photo.
Suggested By: PowerMatic

Photo Credit: FHM/George Holz/JEGPhoto

Celebrity: Adam West
Car: Chrysler 300C
Why So Embarrassing: Adam West, Batman, drives an old man car. Whatever, he's hilarious. He gets away with it. What he doesn't get away with is the "NBR1BAT" license plate. Holy Vanity Plate Batman!
Suggested By: 57sweptside

Celebrity: Conan O'Brien
Car: Ford Taurus SHO
Why So Embarrassing: Yes, Conan O'Brien is trying to look ridiculous. Yes, we love the Ford Taurus SHO. This is embarrassing for Conan because his attempts at appearing silly fail. You look awesome Conan.
Suggested By: Nerdwa

Celebrity: Sting
Car: Toyota Prius
Why So Embarrassing: Really, the guy who wrote Outlandos d'Amour is suddenly out cruising town in a Prius. We thought tantric sex was about extending the pleasure. Hybrids cut it way short, Gordy.
Suggested By: JamesMarino

Celebrity: Michael Schumacher
Car: Fiat Work Van
Why So Embarrassing: Schumacher looks the part too well. Also, "the quick gardner" sounds like a bad German translation of a man who fires quickly in bed.
Suggested By: Mr_Sives_Remotoc.

Ok!
This mag can't really be called a tabloid anymore. They've been threatening to change, then everyone got fired and things are not the same. Instead of gossip, it's all fashion, makeup, diet tips, pictures and stuff like Dita Von Teese's fave cocktail and an interview with Padma Lakshmi about her jewelry line. Is it "Elle Weekly," as they described? Not exactly. But there's no juicy "news."
Grade: N/A (disqualified from game)

In Touch
"38 Best And Worst Beach Bodies." There are seven pages of celebs in swimsuits. Guess who the mag says "could use a little work"? Lindsay Lohan; Kate Hudson, whom they accuse of "flaunting her curves,"; Katherine Heigl, who "has cellulite" on her "lumpy butt"; and tennis champ Serena Williams [Fig. 1]. In a "Beach Body Showdown," Beyoncé beats Britney, because of her "star quality" thanks to her "chiseled abs." Moving on. In a poll of who should be the black James Bond, Will Smith won, but Diddy, Idris Elba and Jamie Foxx were all in the running. Diddy says, "I think James Bond should be sent on a mission to New York. He should meet me: black Bond." In other news, Jennifer Aniston is "torn between two men." She was seen flirting with Bradley Cooper — they have gone on a few dates and sent a few texts. "But there is one big problem," according to the mag: She's been back in touch with Brad Pitt. "Seeing Brad and talking to him opened up a whole can of worms for Jen, emotionally. She never really stopped loving him," says a source. Which Brad will she choose?!?! Lastly, "Katie's Baby Dream: Twins." Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are gonna try in vitro, and MAY have twins. "Katie wouldn't mind having two more kids with Tom, but she didn't have the easiest pregnancy with Suri, so she isn't looking forward to two more pregnancies," says a source. And she is "thrilled" and Tom is "over the moon" about their nonexistent kids. Obviously.
Grade: D- (red card for insulting language)

Life & Style
"Jen Betrayed By Her Best Friend." Courteney Cox and David Arquette have been on Jen's side since her divorce from Brad Pitt. But! May 3rd, the couple attended a dinner at a friend's house and Brad was there and they totally talked to him!!! Then they spoke to him again later that night, backstage at a Chris Cornell concert. "It's got to be hurtful," notes psychologist Jean Cirillo, who does not treat Jen. "She seems like a sensitive person and Courteney should know that." What's worse, Courteney is hard at work on Cougar Town — a TV series about older women dating younger men — and Jen wants to make a movie called Pumas, about the same topic. Why is Courteney trying to make Jen's life miserable??!?!?! Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are getting "EVEN CLOSER," and there is proof, as you'll see in this picture of them squeezed into a limo together — the caption reads, "the costars sat with their legs touching," but it was either that or amputation! [Fig. 2] Bruce Jenner has a new face, have you seen it [Fig. 3]? Fifteen year old Ali Lohan is "turning into Lindsay" but really is just wearing her hand-me-downs [Fig. 4]. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Belly In Hollywood?" Pamela Anderson, 41 and mother of two, would "look fab" with the 26-year-old abs of Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. [Fig. 5]
Grade: D (red card for foul play)

Us
"Kate & The Bodyguard." A source says Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and her bodyguard are sometimes "very physical, often touching each other." And! She was spotted "gently poking him, giving him little love pats, unlike slapping does with Jon." Meanwhile, TLC is struggling to retool the May 25th premiere of the show to "somehow reflect or acknowledge the current reality in an otherwise heavily produced 'reality' show." A source says of Jon: "He really hates her and is out to destroy her publicly." Someone saw him at a restaurant with Deanna Hummel, his purported mistress, and says, "He shouldn't have acted like that. He's a married man." Also, a source says when one of her kids was bleeding, Kate raised her arms and said, "can someone deal with this?" She didn't hug the child or call him by name, she acted "like he was a roach." Here is a fun before and after of Kate: [Fig. 6]. Also inside: Angelina is mad at Madonna. She's infuriated that her Madgesty is trying to adopt from Malawi because she thinks Madonna "is a blatant copycat" who is "coming from the wrong place." She thinks instead of caring about the child, Madonna is in it for the publicity. Lastly, this magazine has an ABSOLUTELY EPIC spread of how many times In Touch has had Brad and Angelina "fake news" on their "inventive" covers. Burn! [Fig. 7]
Grade: C (yellow card for unsporting behavior)

Star
"Inside Jon & Kate's Twisted Marriage!" Kate's brother and sister-in-law, Kevin and Jodi Kreider, talked to the mag because they think Kate is selling out the kids and they're worried about them. Jodi was on the show for 3 seasons and is "popular with fans." Apparently when Kate found out that Kevin and Jodi were getting compensated for appearing on the TV show, Kate freaked out and screamed, "No one is getting paid but us!" Anyway, Kevin told the mag that while they were filming the show, Jon and Kate would fight so much, the crew would have a hard time getting 15 minutes of usable footage out of an 8 hour shoot. Kevin says that Jon came over recently and said he believes Kate has been unfaithful — with the bodyguard, Steve. Jodi says Jon has wanted off the series for a while, but Kate wasn't about to let him off, with so much money at stake. So Kate offered Jon a contract — stating that he could have girlfriends — as long as he showed up for shoots. There's so much more... it goes on forever. But. Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar is 5 months pregnant and it's a girl. Kristen Stewart's boyfriend, Michael Angarano, visited her on the set of New Moon and asked her to marry him. She thinks she's too young to get hitched and wants to wait. She's 19; he's 21. Is Jennifer Love Hewitt knocked up with Jamie Kennedy's baby? She was spotted buying a pregnancy test at a CVS. And wearing flowy dresses. Blind item! "Which cable TV hunk had an affair with his on-screen wife? Now that production is back in schedule, will the couple, who both have significant others, pick up where they left off?" (Please don't let it be Jon Hamm!) Also inside: This mag says Rihanna thinks that the nude pictures of her were released by Chris Brown because he invited her to his birthday party and she didn't show up. Don't their problems run a little deeper than that? Next: "Shannen Doherty: Homewrecker!" She's dating the photographer who shot her Radar cover last summer, Kurt Iswarienko, and he filed for divorce from fashion designer Taryn Brand on Christmas Eve. Taryn's mom tells the mag, "Shannen broke up a marriage. That's all I'm going to say." Ashlee Simpson is pregnant again, according to multiple sources. This has the mag wondering if Jessica Simpson's belly is a baby "bump." [Fig. 8] Last, but not least: David Hasselhoff has a "deathwish." He went to the hospital SEVEN times last year for alcohol poisoning and a source says, "when the booze runs out, he moves on to cough syrup."
Grade: C+ (yellow card for blatant harassment)

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Boomp3.com

Celebrity power blogger David Hasselhoff could barely step away from his laptop at breakfast this morning. In between bites of strawberries and toast, Hasselhoff said, "Nobody takes a minute off on the internet. You have to be there every minute of the day looking and hunting for the next big story. So, you have to make it work for you and here I am with my laptop and my wireless card looking to break more stories before I finish my breakfast than Perez does in a week." The Hoff appeared to be unconcerned about the syrup he spilled on his laptop since it's still under warranty at the Apple store.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

America's Got Talent judge David Hasselhoff got off to a rousing start of his second job, scaring tourists on London's South Bank. Hasseloff explained that he really isn't scaring the tourists as much as offering them a pleasant surprise and the opportunity to have their picture taken with a celebrity. Hasselhoff did admit that we were a rough patches in the beginning where he popped up from behind the embankment and there was nobody there. Hasselhoff felt a bit embarrassed, but he said that there's a learning curve with every new venture. Hasselhoff opened to have all the kinks worked out by lunch time on Thursday.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

In another humble attempt at becoming the world's coolest dad, David Hasselhoff managed to get his daughters and friends backstage at night two of this past weekend's Coachella music festival. The Hoff attempted to be on his best behavior in front of his children, but once he caught a bit of M.I.A.'s set and saw Prince, it reminded him of the time he performed on top of the Berlin Wall, only without the accents. It was at this point that The Hoff decided to make it rain with stacks and stacks of personalized Knight Rider era headshots, reportedly screaming at the top of his lungs, "It's 1985 again and I'm fucking back!"

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

· Is it just Shia LaBeouf, or is it hotter than Hades around here? Ahhh, that's better. [imnotobsessed.com]
· Nicole Richie and the Good Charlotte brother who Paris Hilton is not fucking brought their baby to the festivities! We know: Best Coachers ever! [E! Online]
· David Hasselhoff sported a black eye and bruised arm, for unknown reasons, though we've heard rumors that someone may have gotten a little too enthusiastic in the Mark Ronson dance pit. Says the Hoff: "That guy is really hot. I wouldn't miss him." [Mirror.co.uk]
· "Carmen Electra, Paris Hilton Frolic At Coachella Afterparty." Yup, that's it. [AP]
· As always, we encourage you to send in your own Coachella PrivacyWatches. Here's one to get you rolling: Dita von Teese, behind us at will call, in a red and white sun dress and matching hat, skin the color of a marshmallow. [bumpshack.com]

"[A woman] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff...and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant's phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with 'them.'"

Even more embarrassing than the fact that Hasselhoff sends his poor PA to fetch women for him using an airbrushed 8x10 is the method he uses in narrowing in on a target. The sighting in question occurred in Manhattan after a group of women returned from a taping of America's Got Talent, the show Hoff judges and occasionally blesses with his vocal stylings. Which prompts us to take down a mental note: do not make eye contact with any "celebrity" judges at reality show tapings in the future. One polite smile in their direction may result in a head shot ambush.

[Photo credit: Getty]

• DAVID HASSELHOFF'S PICKUP GAME ISN'T SO HOT [Gatecrasher]

After entering Cirque in 2004 for what she claimed was an eating disorder, but may have had more to do with LiLo's favorite Nesquik flavored nose candy, Mary-Kate Olsen emerged looking healthier, but the last three years haven't exactly been void of party appearances and 21st birthday parties involving plenty of booze. Then there's Richie Sambora, who was famously seen (well, seemed to have been seen) indulging in some beachside snort-n-sniff with Worst Bond Girl Of All Time Denise Richards. And who can forget the crumbling remnants of a hamburger struggling to make their way into an intoxicated David Hasselhoff's slurring mouth as his daughter filmed the tragicomedy? Cirque's sole soberista (so far) is Lindsay Lohan, but recent decisions to "tastefully" show the world her tits do not exactly a healthy lifestyle make. The only way this pricey rehab can salvage any sort of rep is by releasing Kiki in top form. Which will happen when piglets fly, of course.

• EVA MENDES HAS A POST-REHAB DINNER WITH HER BOYFRIEND [PageSix.com]

In today's episode: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren; Larry David; Seth Rogen; Dave Annable, Matthew Rhys, and Emily VanCamp; Larry Birkhead; Laurence Fishburne; Peter Krause and Bob Odenkirk; Tony Hale; Jamie Lee Curtis; David Hasselhoff and Spoon; Connie Britton; John Landis; Cindy Crawford; Sharon Lawrence; and Janice Dickinson.

· I just ran into Jessica Alba and Cash Warren at the Ralphs on Doheny and Beverly Blvd, about 10:30pm Tuesday Dec. 5th. Cash was pushing the grocery cart and seemed to be doing all the shopping, while Jessica was wandering up another aisle by herself. She wasn't looking at anything on the shelves, just wandering, which I thought was odd. Also, there was a beautiful white Bentley GT in the parking lot. I'm assuming it was hers.

· Larry David having drinks last night (12/6) at Wilshire in SM with a smoking hot young blonde. Seriously, she was like late 20s, all done up and starlet-y. Not a daughter/relative/assistant b/c he was sitting on a bar stool and she was cozying up to him. And she kept smiling all lovey-dovey. Not a first date, but it looked like it was new. Nice work, LD!

· 11/30 - Went to Boulevard 3 to see Ringside play a late night show (almost too late for this old lady) and of course saw Balthazar Getty (he's in the band) but also spied his t.v. brothers Dave Annable and Matthew Rhys) who both looked so cute in person. I was told that the girl sucking face with Annable was his illegitimate t.v. sister (Emily VanCamp)- ew. But I don't watch the show much, so I can't say for sure. The band was solid, sounded better than I remember— LUV that song 'Tired of Being Sorry'!

12/02 - Was waiting in line at Milk on Beverly Blvd and Seth Rogen walked in behind me with a petite, down-to-earth looking brunette. I approve of the coupling (if that's the case). Not sure what they got, but I do know he drove off in a brand new shiny black Lexus sedan.

Really old, sorry: 11/19 - Daughtry show at the Orpheum. I was NOT there to see Daughtry (although those fans make for some good people watching). No, I was there to see cuties The Midway State— talk about an odd pairing of bands! Anywho, during the break between TMS and Daughtry, I spied much shorter than expected and just as thin as assumed, ANS baby daddy, Larry Birkhead. Now, I don't think the man is attractive, but in pictures he has that saccharine cuteness thing going. Not so in person. He was just sorta there.

· Dec 3 - WEIRD! I'm at the back bar [next to the kitchen] at the Abbey, and who's standing to my left? Laurence Fishburne. Wearing a black leather jacket, and with a white male friend around his age. Make your own speculations about this one!

· 12/5 Saw Bob Odenkirk (he of the hilarious Mr. Show and the unfunny everything else, not the reliably unfunny /Steve/ Oedekerk) at the Koo Koo Roo on Larchmont and Beverly. He was all "WGA this," and "strike that" into his cel phone. When I drove away I nearly hit Peter Krause crossing Larchmont. Maybe he was too busy thinking about the Darling family blah blah fakety-fake (though this /was/ a real sighting).

· Tony "Buster Bluth" Hale and family in line to see Santa at the Grove: It was last night (12.6.07) at around 5:00. My son and I were in line a few people back from them. Very jovial fellow. Their nearly one year old, as expected, didn't care for being on Santa's knee.

· Dec 4- With all the Jamie Lee Curtis sightings earlier this week, I feel obliged to give you mine. I was at a Shepard Fairey preview before the opening and saw her talking loudly to her Robin Quivers-eque friend about a piece she would have bought if it wasn't already sold. Not bad for a cougar but kinda sending that 'militant lesbian' vibe....but in a good way. Excellent art show BTW.

· Dec 5- Spotted the band Spoon outside baggage claim at LAX. Later, David Hasselhoff wandering down Robertson. He looked bewildered and sorta wandered back and forth around the block. He was probably waiting for someone to recognize him.

· My total girl-crush Connie "Mrs. Coach" Britton - enjoying a late supper at Cafe des Artistes in Hollywood on Thursday night. It looked like a date as they were still deep in conversation as we left at 12:30 AM. If it was, dude has definitely outkicked his coverage. Happy Holidays!

· Dec 5 - Dammit, I just just saw 80s auteur John Landis at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift store at the Century City mall. He and his wife came in to shop just as I was paying my bill. He looks pretty much the same since the "Making of Thriller" days, albeit a little greyer. I assume he was with his wife, who is pretty and classy in a mature/non-plastic surgery-laden way. I so wanted to tell him what a huge fan I was, but chickened out. I may just have to settle by watching my "American Werewolf in London" DVD.

· Dec 3 - Was on a little vaca down in San Diego this weekend and spotted Cindy Crawford hanging at the recently opened Sweetwater Saloon in the new Hard Rock hotel. I was way too shy to approach her on my own, but my wonderful girlfriend stepped in to make the introduction. Cindy, who is just as beautiful in person, was very gracious and sweet ... and I may never wash my hand again.

· Dec 6 - Last week saw Sharon Lawrence in the lobby of my office building; looking very content...and very doable...I always thought she was hot in a MILFy-like way...

· A couple of sightings from Wednesday's Spice Girls show: I wasn't anywhere near Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I did spot Nick Verreos, who was right up by the runway and totally into the show, and Janice Dickinson, who had floor seats but seemed to be coming and going the whole time.

In today's episode: David Hasselhoff; Will Smith; Sarah Michelle Gellar; Anna Faris; Frankie Muniz, Bai Ling and Kyle Brandt; Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green; Bob Odenkirk; Danny Masterson, Bijou Philips, and Bobby Lee; Robin Tunney; Gil Bellows; Joshua Gomez; and Erik Stolhanske.

· Sunday 10/28 mid-day at the Sherman Oaks Whole Foods: checking out possibly organic pumpkins was The Hoff himself, sunglasses pushed jauntily back on his head, wearing a button-down cotton shirt and khakis. I was equally thrilled by the sighting and shocked that no one else seemed to notice. Does "America's Got Talent" not reach The Valley?

· I spotted will smith in his bentley heading up towards Calabasas wednesday afternoon.

· I was waiting for my car to pick me up at LAX last Saturday and saw the lovely Sarah Michelle Gellar getting picked up in a black limousine right before my very eyes. I wish I could look that good after a long flight. She looked very trendy with black tights and boots and was with 2 older ladies in her party. Once she got into the vehicle she immediately lit up a cigarette and then before I knew it Sarah was off to her destination. Probably a long time to go without some nicotine but damn she is one hot looking lady.

· 11/1 - Anna Faris hovering outside the Bean on Beverly Glen early in the AM. I almost didn't recognize her due to her morning puffy face and sweats. Still cute though. She was with some all-American actor type - no idea who he is.

· Totally forgot to write in — friday 10/26 at the clippers game — frankie muniz looking tiny and pissed off (the one way i've ever seen him), bai ling looking exactly like she does on go fug yourself, and kyle brandt (that actor from "days of our lives" who was once on "real world") looking like a bartender at q's. human tragedy all around.

· Last night, Monday, 10/29, I saw Megan Fox (from Transformers, poor man's Angelina Jolie) at Urban Outfitter in Studio City. Her boyfriend, Brian Austin Green doing his own shopping, carrying more clothes to try on then she. He was VERY cool, walking around the store with sunglasses.

· 11/1/07 - Hollywood Production Center - I work in a building populated mainly by reality shows. Undoubtedly it will become a very busy place should all the greedy above-the-line tools (writers OR producers, take your pick) continue to slam their dicks on the table and thusly make life worse for all of us as we head into the holiday season. Anywho... Just walked past BOB ODENKIRK in the hallway. He was wearing sunglasses inside (very LA douche-baggy) but dude was stylish in suit and tie. He was, of course, on his cell phone and all I heard was: "He doesn't know, the guy doesn't anything!" A hilarious moment that felt as if I had been transported into one of his Funny or Die industry-insider shorts. Glad I switched over to reality schlock when I did.

· 10/26 As I'm driving home down Hollywood Bl at El Centro, Bobby Lee goes skipping across (literally) the crosswalk. His hair is totally crazy. I love him.

· 10/28 3:00pm Crepevine Bistro, Pasadena Bijou Philips and Danny Masterson walk in with an older couple and take a table in the back. Bijou is wearing some little black minidress and has her hair in a big flopping knit hat a la rasta. Danny is wearing a hat and sunglasses and his beard. The menu at the crepevine is rather boring since their kitchen fire, so I wonder what they ate.

· Oct 31 I saw Danny Masterson from That Seventies Show at the Broken Social Scene show last night at the Orpheum Theatre. Guy looks just the same in real life as he did on TV, minus the polyester.

Broken Social Scene made glad our traffic-weary souls.

· Monday, 10/29:

A wee Robin Tunney at Mayfair Market on Franklin. She's tiny. I mean, they're always tiny, but she's smaller than I expected. No make up. Buying something grocery related. That is all.

Tuesday, 10/30

On my way into the garage at The Grove, spotted Gil Bellows wandering up the walkway towards the fountain. He was with an age appropriate woman and looking more salt than pepper. His IMDb page says he's 6'1", but I think that's doubtful. I also think he was wearing something on par with his costume for Shawshank Redemption (i.e. a jean ensemble). I can say that he had the same bemused smirk that he had in Shawshank, which is possibly the only reason I recognized him.

· Joshua Gomez, the furry-faced sidekick from Chuck, walking outside the Pollo Loco in Sunset Junction Thurs Nov 1, around 2 pm. Short—we knew that—but definitely doable. Did we know that?

· Tuesday, October 23, Interpol @ the Forum. Stood near Erik Stolhanske, drug school graduate/second-place syrup chugger extraordinaire, aka Rabbit from Super Troopers, who was talking with a couple of friends on the floor at the Forum between the Liars and Interpol sets. My sister-in-law confronted him and told him Super Troopers was my fave flick (not totally a lie). Said it was nice to meet me. Yay!

While "Tales From the Hoff" will center on a fictional character, the similarities between that character and Hasselhoff are obvious, including Hasselhoff's marital status (he divorced last year). Project stemmed from conversations Hasselhoff had with friends about how his life might inspire an interesting TV show.

As potentially hilarious as watching a lightly fictionalized Hasselhoff try to navigate a Hollywood that's far crasser than the one of his relatively recent lifeguarding heyday with nary a vagina to flash at the single, camera-toting tourist he mistakes for a paparazzo trying to document his El Pollo Loco run sounds, the producers have probably reviewed every episode of the stillborn So NoToriOus and realize the chief creative obstacle they face: No matter how long they lock themselves in the writers' room, they'll never dream up a scenario for their washed-up protagonist more tragicomically surreal than the twenty seconds of floorburger footage that's defined his recent career.

• E! to tell 'Tales From the Hoff' [Var]
• Previously: David Hasselhoff Seizes The Moment [Defamer]

During Tuesday's moving finale of the NBC hit (we're trying to make up for missing the event by slowly reconstructing it through YouTube clips), judge David Hasselhoff offered a brave performance of his Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical's "This is the Moment," knowing in his heart that the larynx-eroding effects of too many wild nights of drunken, camcorded floorburger parties might prevent him from delivering a single note in its intended key. Still, Hoff belted on, nearly collapsing from the exertion necessary to execute the song's lung-bursting finish. Fuck America, Hasselhoff's triumphant expression seems to declare as he sustains a final, strangled note, I've got all the talent you need right here.

• HASSELHOFF - Germany's Number One Male Vocalist [YouTube]

But could anyone better sum up the competition's 60-seat-Vegas-showroom essence than last night's winner, ventriloquist-impressionist hybrid Terry Fator? We think not. Now $1 million richer, Fator's twenty, long years traveling the bumpy show business backroads have finally paid off. (If you're skeptical of his celebrated talents, we invite you to marvel at Winston the Turtle channeling Roy Orbison above.) America's ventriloquists, so long the bottom-feeders of the post-Vaudeville entertainment world, can finally hold their heads up high, just as soon as they're done cursing the fact that the best impression they can muster sounds something like Robin Williams doing Jack Nicholson eating a sandwich.

• Ventriloquist Terry Fator wins America's Got Talent [entertainment.timesonline.co.uk]
• America's Got Talent: Terry Fator - Crying (Over you) [YouTube]

In today's episode: Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber; Kate Bosworth; Michael Bay; Faye Dunaway; Jon Heder; Nancy Reagan; David Hasselhoff; Kevin Connolly; Soleil Moon Frye; Adam Brody; Ian Ziering; Jason Priestley; Kevin Weisman; Kelly Osbourne; Camryn Manheim; Tom Bosley; Maria Menounos; Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds and Angelyne.

· @ the new Pinkberry in Brentwood Wed 7/11 8:30pm. We had just picked up our order when my boyfriend (who is as "non-Hollywood" as it gets) spots a dude in a red hooded sweatshirt at the cash register and asks, "Hey, isn't that some actor guy?" Actor guy turns out to be Liev Schreiber, and as I'm preoccupied explaining this to the bf I almost fail to notice a very pregnant Naomi Watts a few inches away from me, walking up to get her yogurt. She looks different in person and didn't seem to be wearing makeup, but kudos to her for braving the ever-present crowd at Pinkberry au naturale AND pregnant. After they left the store a few passers by stopped and talked to them, but other than that they seemed to go unnoticed. A very casual, seemingly down to earth and normal couple.

· Kate Bosworth at Pinkberry. July 10. She stood patiently in line, by herself, looking perfectly small and gorgeous.

· A bit late (sorry) but rather apropos, given your repeated references to all that is 'Transformers'. MICHAEL BAY himself, hanging poolside at the Beverly Hills Hotel, July 4th. He joined a group of heavily-enhanced / worked out OC-types who were drinking / sunning their surgeried bodies in a cabana. Arrived just in time to chow down on a burger & fries (Dude! Eat something! You're too skinny!). Checked out my 3 girlfriends & I; I don't care how much your movie just grossed; dream on, buddy! Left early, no doubt to battle Malibu traffic in time for the (fogged in) fireworks.

· Tuesday, 7-10: A 5:00 show of "Broken English" at the Sunset-5 is interrupted when a batty specimen, none other than Faye Dunaway herself, walks into the theater and sits down halfway through the movie. Notably on her person are a distinctive white baseball cap and a single, white glove on one hand, which has faint traces of hair dye. The movie ends, Faye stays firmly put in her seat, while the humbled theater staff cleans up waste and carefully watches the movement of their trash pails so as not to disturb her, because she is now immersed in a trancelike stupor, eyes closed, sans footwear. An hour after the next show has started, Mommie Dearest finally emerges, and walks out the front door, while an aura of wonder/horror lingers in her wake.

· July 11: Just saw Jon Heder and his twin brother at the Kwik E Mart in Burbank. No one recognized him, they were too busy getting squishees.

· so i know this is not as goovy as most, but yesterday (7-12) at Jessica nails on sunset plaza i saw Nancy Reagan coming out from getting her nails done.....i even intro'd myself to her, but she couldn't shake my hand cuz her nails, light pink were still damp. she got into her red (isn't it nancy reagan red) car, she was wearing a lovely light blue pants suit, with a driver and a guy with a ear piece. she looks amazing for being what 150 years old! i kinda felt like i had just met the 'queen'..........

· Looking like a tanned caricature of himself, David Hasselhoff ate lunch at Iroha on Ventura today (7-11). He's very freckley in person. I looked away.

· Tonight (7/11) around 10 pm at Blowfish Sushi, Kevin Connolly was chatting 3 tables down with some woman and one (or was it two?) guys. My girl spotted him first, I didn't even see him sit down. She's dying to see Jeremy Piven, but by the way she was, uh, "admiring" (staring at) him, E was a good find. Bigger than I expected.

· Just saw Punky Brewster (Soleil Moon Frye) walking down Larchmont talking on her phone (7-10). It's been about five years since I last saw her wasted at the Circle Bar, she seems much more mom-like now. Still very cute, still got those giant but tastefully deflated boobs. Remember before the reduction when she guested on that episode of Wonder Years where she pushed Kevin Arnold into the lake and when she bent over to try to catch him....woah.

Also, just remembered I saw Adam Brody dorking out at the Decemberists on Sat night, but looks like others found him too.

· A very tan Steve Sanders, ahem, Ian Ziering hiking up Runyon Canyon on Tuesday (7-10). He's, gasp, better looking in person than I would have thought, seeing as how I never gave him notice on 90210. And Brandon was hotter than Dylan. Just saying.

· I haven't sent any of these before, but these celebrities are everywhere! Today, about 30 minutes ago (7-12), Jason Priestley at the Trader Joe's on Riverside in Toluca Lake...with an older woman that had to be his mom...Later!

· Yesterday (July 12, 2007) Kevin Weisman patronized Starbucks on Sunset and Gower (where I happen to work). After he ordered his drink I let him know that he was the best part of "Alias." His response: "Ok, well now you get the rest of the money... becuase you were niice" said with a smile. Then he thanked me for the compliment and (hopefully) enjoyed his tall non-fat cap. Nice guy, that Kevin fellow.

· Tuesday July 10, spotted Kelly Osbourne in the VVIP area at the Klaxons' El Rey show with members of the Like (was it a daughters-of-rockers night out?) and a bunch of record label douches. Kelly was FREAKING OUT because she thought someone had taken her jacket.

· Today (7-11)on Abbot-Kinney in Venice, at 7pm, I saw Camryn Manheim (of "The Practice" and "This one's for all the fat girls" fame) crossing the street, smiling and laughing with her cute, shaggy-haired son, Milo. She looked good!

· "Mr. Cunningham" Tom Bosley at my eye doctor in BH yesterday (7-11). He was just sitting in the exam chair wearing dark glasses. Someone there told me he either loves you or hates you, nothing in between.

· On Monday, 7/10 at about 2:30 PM, I decided to take a quick break from work by taking a walk outside. I spotted some teamsters sitting on their butts on apple carts that said "Access Hollywood". Second later, I spotted Maria Menounos, full of attitude, wearing her "I'm-too-cool-for-you" aviators and a summery dress coming out of Madison with a beefy bald man-handler/producer wearing a Simon Cowell-esque black t-shirt. I'm guessing she was there to film something at Kitson.

· Saw Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds (the guy that Eddie Murphy's girlfriend used to be married to) with a surprising small entourage making his way through the baggage claim last night (7-10). Still looks in shock from all that money Tracey took from him. He looks like he's 50.

· On the 10th, I saw a suspiciously pink Corvette parked in front of the newstand on Beverly Drive. Could it be? Was it she? Yeah it was! I love Angelyne sightings.

But even though the above Entertainment Tonight footage is initially disturbing, no need to worry: Ivan quickly regained consciousness following his primetime audition, proving that he was no worse for the wear by playfully remaining splayed on the stage, stripping off his shirt, and launching into a woozy, pantomimed reenactment of AGT judge David Hasselhoff's infamous floor-cheeseburger incident.

• Entertainment Tonight [ETOnline.com]