Life & Style
"Slim Down Super Fast."
Did you know that if you dance all day instead of working at a desk, you can lose weight? Kelly Osbourne says now that she's on Dancing With The Stars: "I do five hours of rehearsals a day — sometimes even six." Debi Mazar says: "I've lost 11 pounds, and I've noticed my body toning in weird areas — my bra bulge is gone." This six-page extravaganza of peeps who lost weight dancing includes Mya — who was "soft" but is now "toned"; Kathy Ireland, who was "full-figured" but is now "foxy" and model Joanna Krupa, who was "thin" and is now "athletic." Moving on: In a poll titled "Who'd You Want To Be Frisked By?" Jon Hamm wins with 42%! (See image 7). The "cutest Jolie-Pitt pics ever" involve Shiloh buying snacks and making faces. "Perpetually single" Jennifer Aniston found herself in a "sticky situation" because Brad Pitt, John Mayer and Gerard Butler were ALL in New York City AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that: Being on the same island with all of your exes! And 1.4 million other people! According to handy map provided, John Mayer was downtown in his apartment; Brad was uptown at the Essex House and Gerard ate at a restaurant in Tribeca. DRAMZ. Lastly: "Real" "Housewife" Kim Zolciak would like for America to know that she has never been a stripper: "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man," she says. "If I'd been a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?" About her hair, she says: "I have great hair. It's shoulder-length, and it's the same color as most of my wigs. I have naturally black hair, but I bleach it."
Grade: F (runaway bride/missing groom)

In Touch
"I'm Going To Be A Mom."
What she means is: Someday. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey granted the mag an interview, and when asked if they want a family, she said: "Definitely." He said: "It's at the forefront of our minds. We're very close, but we want to enjoy our first year together." Nick also says that they'd like two kids but "we want to make sure we're ready when the time comes." Mariah has been staying fit by jumping on a trampoline, but she says she wouldn't mind gaining baby weight. "I'd be fine with it," she claims. Oh, and they ask her about turning 40: "Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long." She goes on to explain that she thought she'd die young, like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, Nick says of Eminem: "I don't respect him as a man… He and I need to have an old-school sit down." Moving on: Alongside blurry pictures of the Kardashian wedding, there's news that Lamar Odom's ex, Liza, was so upset about the nuptials that she tossed out thousands of dollars of his possessions from the NY apartment they had shared with their two kids. His kids did not attend the wedding. Neither did Khloe's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, whose girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, who is BFF with the groom. Next: Jon Gosselin's lawyer spoke to the mag about why Jon delayed the divorce and the guy says: "A divorce, especially for a woman with 8 children, is a very very traumatic thing. But as the mother of his children, [Jon] doesn't want her to have a nervous breakdown." To "win" fans back, Jon and Kate may appear together on Oprah, where they can iron out their differences on national TV. Oh, and a source says Hailey Glassman's parents want her to stay away from Jon. Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina are "purposely" being seen apart in public so that IF they decide to separate, it will come as less of a shock. "They plan to play up the fact that they never really defined their relationship in traditional terms," says a "friend." "They will say when they met, they were on the same page about having children, but neither wanted a life-long partner." Um, okay. He went alone to the Clinton Global Initiative not because she was home with the kids, but because he was making a point about being seen alone. Says a source. Also inside: Britney Spears has reunited with Jason Trawick; they went to a candy store with her kids. He is still her agent, he just can't be in a high-profile relationship right now, an insider says. Lastly: This mag calls out Us magazine for printing a cover story about Jessica Simpson spiraling out of control and finding solace in booze after the disappearance of her dog, Daisy. A friend says: "Of course she's sad about Daisy… but it's so blown out of proportion. She's not drinking excessively."
Grade: D (shitty wedding DJ)

Ok!
"My Dream Wedding."
Khloe sold her wedding snaps to Ok!, and they printed 13 pages of Kardashian pictures and info. How anyone could possibly care is a mystery. Margaret says the most notable thing about the story is that the ceremony was done so quickly that all of the bridesmaids' dresses don't fit properly, and the groom's pants need hemming. (See image 8 and image 9). Kim, whose dress is totally straining and pulling, says: "I was freaking out because I had mine tailored really tight. There was some crazy working out and taking Quick Trim to try and get in shape." Vera Wang is a friend of the Kardashians, and custom-made the bride's dress. Khloe says: "If Vera didn't think our marriage would last, she wouldn't have done it." Next week: Reception photos! Moving on: A source says Brad told Angie that if she got up to 115 pounds by November, he'd "move forward" with child number 7. The story reads: "Angie's been noshing on crepes, omelets. pasta and garlic bread, all prepared lovingly by her partner." A source says: "It's not like Brad's force-feeding her. But he's trying to steer her in the right direction." Kevin Federline wants to lose weight before he joins Celebrity Fit Club. Apparently he blames stress from his unstable custody situation and "Jamie Spears' spicy grilled meats" for his heavy physique. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston had dinner at Monkey Bar in NYC; John Mayer had dinner at Gemma — but pals say he wanted to be sharing a table for two with Jen. "He's been trying to get back into her life," says a friend. "He begged Jen to let him join her on her upcoming trip to Cabo."
Grade: D+ (fallen/broken wedding cake)

Us
"it's Over!"
About a month ago, Justin Timberlake told friends "it's over" with Jessica Biel. He's over it; she's too much to deal with. Except they're always off and on. Anyway, she refuses to accept it, and is pretending nothing's wrong, because "she needs him emotionally and for her career." Says a "pal." But after the VMAs, Justin was "clearly on the hunt." Lindsay Lohan has claimed that she hooked up with Justin several times while he was with Jess, and in June, she Twittered something about him being a cheater. She claimed she'd been hacked, because Justin told his network of people to ban Lindsay and make her life miserable. Apparently when Justin was first getting together with Jess, he visited her on the set of a movie she was making, but wore disguises — beards and hats — so as not to be recognized. JT's cheating rumors include Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan and Ciara, though a source says of Lindsay: "Her record of truthfulness is not awesome." The good thing about the "Celebrity Arms Race" is that everybody wins. The bad part? Michelle Obama is a "celebrity." (See image 10). On the "Are They Too Young?" page, we learn that 85% of people think it's okay for a four-year-old to wear a bikini; 48% think a four-year-old is not too young to have a manicure. 76% think Suri is too young to wear heels. (See image 11). Lastly: Raise your hand if you wish you could go inside the Gossip Girl closet!!! (See image 12)
Grade: C- (terrible weather for outdoor ceremony)

Star
"It's On!"
Justin is "pressing" Rihanna to plan another hookup. (They tried to keep their VMA hookup a secret, but Jessica found out within days.) An insider claims: "They like excitement of sneaking around… They got off on keeping it on the down-low." Once, they were alone in the studio late at night working on RiRi's new album, and Justin was joking about strippers — he said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance. "She likes to test the boundaries," says a source. But! RiRi doesn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer. She wants it to be publicly out there that JT is single before she commits to him. Anyway, they've been talking and texting, but Rihanna wants to be sure she's not a "lady on the side." Just an FYI on those "exclusive photos": One shows the side of her head and the back of his head; the other shows the back of both of their heads, standing near each other in a crowded club. Not exiting. Moving on: Blind item! "Which singer has rebounded after splitting from his wife by secretly bedding his sexy twenty-something assistant? And no, it's not the one he's been photographed with." Our guess: Usher. Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds in the first seven days after her son Sparrow was born — "and she keeps getting thinner." Wait, are they including the actual infant in those 14 pounds? Anyway: Her secret is "lots of fruit, veggies and fish" and no carbs. The mag says people are "shocked" by her weight. Jennifer Love Hewitt is "scary-skinny." An eyewitness saw her in L.A. and said she looked "frail and drawn" and her face was "achingly thin." Could it be that she's lost her appetite due to love troubles? Lastly: Ashlee Simpson has a crush on her Melrose costar, Colin Egglesfield. They were getting touchy-feely between scenes on September 23 — while Pete Wentz was on tour in Dallas. Ashlee was hugging him and holding his hand and "doing the whole hair flip thing," a spy reveals.
Grade: C (stained bridal gown)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

In the future, meaning later this afternoon, the state will immediately all criminals and public enemies grant starring roles on prime time television shows. Look forward soon to Charles Manson's season on Top Chef and Bernie Madoff's Rock of Love.

The full cast of the show was announced today on Good Morning America (no LaToya, boo) and ABC has cast it similar to past years with some singers, athletes, actors, an Osmond, and a random politician. Well, since they stuck by their formula, we're going to use our own formula to handicap the odds of who is going to win your mother's favorite show. Just don't take her for all she's worth. Save that for those greedy bitches in the office pool.

Mya
You Know Her From: Her debut album.
Chances: She was known more as a singer than a dancer, but she's young and hip and has an album to promote.
Compare Her To: Toni Braxton
Odds: 20-1

Macy Gray
You Know Her From: Trying to say goodbye and choking, trying to walk away and stumbling.
Chances: Macy has always been a bit of a loon. We have a feeling that she's not going to be able to tell the difference between a foxtrot and Foxy Brown.
Compare Her To: Scary Spice
Odds: 100-1

Chuck Liddell
You Know Him From: Beating the shit out of people.
Chances: We think the Paso Doble needs a little more finess than an elbow drop, but if he's quick on his feet, he might be able to pull it off.
Compare Him To: Floyd Mayweather
Odds: 30-1

Melissa Joan Hart
You Know Her From: Explaining it all.
Chances: She has fought to stay relevant all these years, so this lady knows how to work hard. She's going to give it her all. Let's just hope her pesky brother Ferguson doesn't ruin it!
Compare Her To: Jenny Garth
Odds: 15-1

Kathy Ireland
You Know Her From: Beating off to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in the '80s.
Chances: She is making so much money from hocking her shit at KMart that she doesn't need a career boost. But, she looks damn good for 46, so she may just get her cha-cha on.
Compare Her To: Paulina Porizkova
Odds: 30-1

Mark Dacascos
You Know Him From: Do we?
Chances: This former Iron Chef fixture is a nobody, and not even a hot nobody like Gilles Marini. We refuse to acknowledge that he is on the show.
Compare Him To: Helio Castroneves
Odds: N/A

Ashley Hamilton
You Know Him From: Boinking Shannen Doherty.
Chances: Um, if you can survive living with her and coming out alive, then you can kick ass doing a few twirls around the dancefloor. Also, his father George didn't do badly on the show.
Compare Him To:
Odds: 10-1

Michael Irvin
You Know Him From: ESPN, the Cowboys
Chances: The "old athlete" has proven to be a contender in past years. Also, if he doesn't want to be teased by his football chums for years, he better do well.
Compare Him To: Warren Sapp
Odds: 5-1

Donny Osmond
You Know Him From: Conquering all media with Mormon mind tricks.
Chances: They're good. Fuck.
Compare Him To: Marie Osmond
Odds: 3-2

Tom DeLay
You Know Him From: The U.S. House of Representatives
Chances: Oh please. The "old guy" never makes it that far.
Compare Him To: Tucker Carlson
Odds: 100-1

Natalie Coughlin
You Know Her From: Watching her in between Michael Phelps video montages during the summer Olympics.
Chances: Swimming requires microscopic attention to detail just like ballroom does, and she's used to working in ludicrous outfits. Keep your eye on her.
Compare Her To: Shawn Johnson
Odds: 4-1

Joanna Krupa
You Know Her From: Runways, your dreams.
Chances: You know how pretty girls are lousy in bed because they don't have to do much work. Well, the same applies to dancing.
Compare Her To: Josie Maran
Odds: 60-1

Debi Mazar
You Know Her From: Entourage before it sucked.
Chances: She is the only one on the cast who was in a Madonna video. She didn't dance, but still. But she never really took her career that far, so does she have the motivation?
Compare Her To: Vivika A. Fox
Odds: 25-1

Kelly Osbourne
You Know Her From: The first circle of reality television hell.
Chances: The chubby teen girl slot isn't the worst one to fill. Also, Sharon will be there cheering her on, so let's hope she stays around, if only for her family in the audience.
Compare Her To: Marisa Jaret Winokour
Odds: 15-1

Aaron Carter
You Know Him From: Boy bands, rocking the House of Carters
Chances: If he can behave himself long enough and get his act together, the former boy banders usually can follow choreography and win the audience's hearts.
Compare Him To: Drew Lachey
Odds: 5-1

Louie Vito
You Know Him From: Snowboarding, if you know him at all.
Chances: He's young, athletic, and cute. That should bode well in his dancing abilities and the number of votes he'll get from the audience. However, we're still not sure who he is.
Compare Him To: Apolo Anton Ohno
Odds: 5-1

EW.com reports that Paula's first post-resignation gig will be guest spot on Ugly Betty. She'll play a temp secretary who bonds with ditzy receptionist Amanda, who is basically Paula Abdul in a headset. Before then, she'll guest star on Drop Dead Diva, Lifetime's show about a woman who dies and finds herself without a job on America's most popular TV show, we mean, trapped in the body of a fat lawyer. Anyway, both sound ridiculous.

But the news today is that ABC wants more out of her than a guest starring role. Network head wants her not as a judge, but as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and possibly with a show all her own. Oh, we can only dream!

Oh, and the New York Times reveals today that Paula left American Idol because of money concerns and because she never felt like she was appreciated. But then again, you knew that already.

Enjoy the attempt to figure out who's who—it took us ages before we realize that the cleaned-up, preppie young man to the right was Jackass star Steve-O. It's amazing how a bath, some nice clothes and a thorough airbrushing can turn your ordinary, drug-addicted exhibitionist into someone vaguely reminiscent of a nice college basketball player. Publicity team, you've degaussed your way into our hearts.

• Dancing With The Stars - Season 8 [Zap2It via ONTD]

As TV Week points out, the rival anchor from Access Hollywood has yet to appear in a single ETOnline post about the upcoming season:

"‘Dancing With the Stars' has called 13 new celebrities to the dance floor and, for the first time, three real-life couples will battle in the ballroom-‘ET' reveals the dance partner pairing," reads the beginning of the story, but it then only lists 12 competitors. Guess who's missing?

This seems to us entirely unsportsmanlike, as Access Hollywood was more than generous in their coverage of ET regular Marie Osmond's Nutrisystem-induced fainting spell and subsequent descent into babydoll madness. You can't simply will Ms. O'Dell out of existence, ET! She's in it to win it, and sooner or later, you'll be forced to acknowledge her sizzling Cha-cha-chá.

• ‘ET' Dances Around O'Dell Casting on ‘Dancing' [TV Week]

Jewel: Before she was felled by her own scarf in a freak automobile accident, ISADORA DUNCAN was the mother of modern dance. We think she'd make a good fit with this "Foolish Games"-singing Alaskan Earth mother.

Steve O: No one does nihilism and self-destructive behavior better than BOB FOSSE. We think Steve O could nail these moves if he put his heart into it.

Steve "The Woz" Wozniak: Someone as bearishly free-spirited and forward-thinking as The Woz deserves a choreographer to match. We nominate MARK MORRIS.

Shawn Johnson: TWYLA THARP'S athletic, often times gymnastic, style of movement matches the Olympic gold medalist's.

Denise Richards A failed marriage, a critically trounced reality show. What Denise Richards really needs is meaning in her life. Choreographer, sociocultural-conceptualist and multmedia artist BILL T. JONES seems the one who could imbue this woman with some depth on the dance floor. His Blind Date might be a good start.

Lil Kim: Before Lil Kim turned into a tabloid name, a perjurer, and plastic surgery disaster, she was one badass MC. We therefore banish her back to the streets of Brooklyn for her dance inspiration, where kids are caught up in the new sensation GET LITE—a happier, clown-makeup-free version of Krumping. Get back to your roots, Kim!

Belinda Carlisle For the ex-Go Go who sang "Heaven is a Place on Earth," we recommend MARTHA GRAHAM, who in this early rehearsal video explains "the important thing was the weight of the body against the floor was emphasized."

David Alan Grier, the host of Chocolate News, belongs in an ALVIN AILEY classic like Revelations, where he can make amends for past artistic trangressions like Little Man and Thugaboo: Sneaker Madness.

• Dancing with the Stars [ABC]

Osmond's legally unbinding announcement gives us hope that a DwtS season robbed of Cloris Leachman could well be something worth watching—especially if he outdoes his sister's fainting spells and baby doll dances of despair with a fibula-splintering compound fracture during a particularly unhinged tin soldier routine set to his own, late-'80s hit, "Soldier of Love." [Reality Blurred]

To pad out this foregone conclusion, first casualty Jeff Ross was invited back to roast the contestants, presenting the perfect opportunity to get in a few gay-themed jabs at Lance Bass. Because the gayest thing to come out of DWTS has to be Lance Bass—not the fuchsia breakaway sleeves, the Dr. Drew-elicited waterworks, or the soiled dance belt Ross had to peel out from between his ass cheeks following his humiliating first-week defeat. [Dancing with the Stars]

Will it be enough to stave off Leachman's elimination for one more week? We'll find out soon, though to judge from the audience reaction shots afterward, Leachman has already won over two disparate admirers: House Bunny star Anna Faris and Flipping Out's Jeff Lewis. And, as the old saying says, "Where the comediennes and OCD martini olive counters go, so goes the nation."

• Dancing With The Stars [ABC]

This source said "Dancing" competitor Susan Lucci is "fit to be tied. She is working so hard and is outraged that others have been eliminated who are far better than Cloris. It's all about her obnoxious schtick. ... There are deep concerns that people are going to tune out, thinking this has become a big joke and not the serious though entertaining dance competition it's supposed to be.

''Everyone assumed it would be Cloris and not Toni Braxton who would be eliminated [Tuesday],'' added the source. ''There was even some gallows humor going around today. ... People joked it must be a whole lot of CBS, NBC and Fox executives getting everyone they know to vote for Cloris — to try and wreck the show,'' the staffer said with a rueful laugh.

Along with all of the judges, show co-host Samantha Harris is said to be ''sick and tired'' of Cloris and ''her attempts to dominate everything,'' said my source. It even was evident when Harris snapped at Leachman to get away from the kids who had just danced in a junior competition on the show Tuesday night. ''After we were off the air, Samantha, Susan and a lot of others were saying they had had it with Cloris.''

You'd better watch yourself, Cloris; not everyone is as susceptible to your cavernous cleavage as Bruno Tonioli. When will Leachman realize that Dancing with the Stars is a serious, well-respected forum for Mormon child stars to play out their apple-cheeked nervous breakdowns on-camera, not some mere lark?

• Sick of Cloris' shtick [Chicago Sun-Times]

“I hope the audience doesn’t think all older people act like her,” said Florence, 74. “I love Cloris, but sometimes she acts like she’s not all there, or she’s wandering around the ballroom acting silly.” So far, the Emmy winning octogenarian’s antics include letting judge Bruno Tonioli kiss her leg and using language that had to be bleeped when scores with partner Corky Ballas were announced. Cloris “is given a lot of leeway because of her age,” Florence tells Life & Style. “But you also have to respect the rules, the show and what it’s about.”

Florence, don't you think you should save your offended sense of decorum for your on-screen daughter Maureen McCormick? Thus far, her Marcia Brady-despoiling press tour has involved anal sex, congenital syphilis, and a cracked-out encounter with Steven Spielberg. Please, stop her before she recalls snorting huge rails off of Tiger.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Life & Style Weekly

It kicked off with the familiar kaleidoscopic opener, the viewing of which lulls the audience into a light trance, rendering them pliable to host Tom Bergeron's kinky sexual bidding whenever he utters the word "Bruno." That was followed by a series of political attack spoof ads, the twelfth as funny as the first, plus an encore performance of Lance Bass's sultry Tango del Eyeliner. Sadly, it was Rocco DiSpirito who danced with Death last night, its rhinestone-encrusted scythe falling on the comely chef who ultimately proved incapable of locating the soul inside a samba the way he does his Mama's Meatballs. At least he can go home with his head held high, knowing Mario Batali would never have been able to pull off that fuchsia sleeveless number.

• Dancing with the Stars [ABC]

Boomp3.com

The world’s ultimate cougar, Cloris Leachman believes she’s capable of carrying anything after carrying the popular ABC reality dance competition for the last few weeks. Leachman even carried her granddaughter a few blocks over to her car. Leachman said, “Put me on NBC and I’ll carry that network across the finish line, too.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Dancing With The Stars [ABC]