1.) He had sex with his daughter when she was 17 years old.


2.) He didn't consider this rape, but rather, "making love."


3.) He continued to have sex with his daughter for a decade.


4.) He suggested he and his daughter live as man and wife.


5.) He might have gotten his daughter pregnant.


6.) He taught his 10-year-old child how to roll joints, then made her the official joint-roller.


7.) He taught his teenager how to tie-off and shot her up for the first time.


8.) He reinforced negative behavior.


9.) He gave terrible advice.


10.) He didn't do such a great job with his other kids either.

While the late pop-star's dermatologist allegedly believes he's the father of Paris and Prince Michael, there are still rumors swirling around Blanket. And, of course, those rumors are wild, titillating and just plain wacky. Some believed that restrauteur Al Malnik fathered the long-haired 7-year old, but Malnik denied that claim.

Now, in an apparent grab for even more outlandish hearsay, British tabloid The Sun — and others — are citing sources who claim Macaulay Culkin shot his wad for the king of pop.

Thankfully, these sources are well aware that the nonsense their spouting sounds like bullshit:

So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolized him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing.

Actually, the more we think about this, the more it's feasible that Culkin did the deed for his buddy Jackson. As the source said, they were best friends. And what's more best friendly than donating your sperm so that your pal can create the illusion that you're actually his son? Nothing, really.

Really, this must stop. Marlon Jackson came out this weekend said perhaps the most sensible thing any of the family has said since Jackson's death: "Those were Michael's kids - regardless of where they came from." Here, here! These kids are going to be messed up. That's a fact. They hardly need the media circling like vultures, questioning from whence they came. But perhaps this is simply a sad example of supply and demand.

Since Jackson's death, it's been rumored that Dr. Klein — sort of a cross between Larry Flynt and Harvey Pekar — was the sperm donor for his two oldest children. It was a strange way to phrase a denial of those rumors. Klein also told Sawyer that he'd been aware of some of the drugs that Michael was taking, but not to the extent that was later discovered. Klein, who treated Jackson for Lupus and Vitiligo, also remarked on how unhappy he was with plastic surgeons who continued to work on Jackson's face and didn't know when to stop

"It wasn't like [Dad 1] and I had so much in common that we could have this great personal relationship. We were at totally different stages in our lives, and I don't think he was necessarily so fascinated by what I was going through. But we were fortunate that we had a lot of chemistry between us. ... At that time, my mom was still coming with me to work. She legally had to be there—thank God she was there!"

"I've been fortunate enough to never be the biggest media sensation. ... If you have somebody waiting outside your house for 32 hours, it doesn't matter how many days you've clocked in on the movie-star meter. You're still a person living your life. I can understand how that must have been for [Dad 2], who's such an icon. I've been fortunate enough to mostly come out unscathed."

"It's been so exciting to get out there and talk to kids—and I say 'kids' meaning my peers—about why I appreciate [Dad 3]. He's confronting health-care issues that affect young people. You know, most of my friends don't have insurance. They're working as photo assistants and stuff like that. These kids on the campaign trail asking questions, they are so well-informed."

"At first it was like, 'What this weird music that your dad listens to?' ... [Dad 4's] songs are very cinematic. I think as a kid I was attracted to that in the same way I loved 'Being For The Benefit of Mr. Kite!'—one of my favorite Beatles songs. It really lets a kid's imagination take flight. ... I was this little blonde girl with a baritone singing voice, which at nine was freakish, I'm sure."

"I don't know why relationships between men and women are always pigeon-holed into being some kind of push-and-pull for sexual power. I'm always kind of weirded out when I'm interviewed by people who say, 'Gosh! [Dad 5] must be in love with you.' It's like, 'fucking expand your mind.' We have a great friendship between us and I have such a fondness for him as a person. I can appreciate his quirks."

Seriously! Expand your fucking minds! It's not like anyone here has fetishized or even married women younger than Scarlett. Oh, wait. And come to think of it, she doesn't look anything like Obama. Anyway, happy guessing.

• My Five Dads [Paste]

"I hope I don't become a cougar anytime soon," she adds with a laugh. "I throw out all my animal-print dresses recently out of fear of exactly that!"

But she's still got issues. Maybe she was looking for a grandfather figure?

The Odd Couple [Marie Claire]