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TV’s number one supercop, David Caruso, put his sharp detective skills to work and finally solved The Mystery of the Great Pumpkin that has been plaguing the L.A. area for the last few years. Tilting his shades down, Caruso said, “Looks like Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater came home to roost,” and off in the distance the familiar strains of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled” started to play. According to Caruso, the Great Pumpkin wasn’t one giant pumpkin, but multiple pumpkins standing on top of each other while wearing a large orange trench coat. As a reward, Caruso was given his choice of any pumpkin and heaping amount of praise and thanks.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Hide the children and follow the jump to enter the frightening world of... the David Caruso Stalker Chronicles.

As recently as April, Austrian authorities were reportedly searching for an unnamed 41-year-old woman who skipped her trial on charges of stalking and threatening to kill Caruso and his "butt-ugly Latina whore" — generally believed to be his former TV wife Alana De La Garza. That was the last we heard of it before this week, when a subculture of stalker hunters leapt out of the woodwork and into our morning coffee. And they make the outlandish Marilyn Monroe collectibles circuit seem better-adjusted than a Honda:

Yesterday this site published the above photos of David Caruso's stalker, speculating that the photo on the left was indeed David Caruso's stalker. As predicted, when Gabriele Huber's Internet access became available in her spider hole, she went into triple overtime vehemently denying these images were her. Does that mean the woman posting the denials IS Caruso's stalker but the photos aren't? Huber also denied using the pseudonyms Vixen, Anonymous, and QB2die4 as well to post these denials. As Frank Tripp would say, honey that's a "felony stupid."

Er, right. Anyway, if you happen to see this woman bumping around Innsbruck, feel free to casually ask if she caught last week's CSI: Miami or if she knows where to find a good defense lawyer. Just in case, you know? Caruso's bullied, beleaguered crews are counting on you.

• The Stalker Chronicles

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CSI: Miami star David Caruso was more than willing to pose for photos with fans of the popular CBS series. Caruso even rattled off a few of his beloved one liners while taking his trademark sunglasses on and off. One fan took the rather surreal experience to the next level by playing the series' theme song on their phone. Caruso laughed, then put on sunglasses and said, "That's the sound of me missing my flight," while the phone played the ringtone again.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

As a rule, the sequel is never quite as satisfying as the original, but this follow-up to the YouTubes sensation "Seven Minutes and Fifteen Mind-Blowing Seconds Of David Caruso One-Liners," spotlighting only the times the dialogue-devouring star supplements his patented delivery by shielding his eyes from both the punishing Miami sun and his own actorly brilliance, has its own charms: note that just before the one minute mark, we're treated to a sequence in which Caruso bolts from the frame after he's done his bit, as if anxious to remind the director, "Now that...is how you end a cold open," before heading off in dogged pursuit of another line to murder.

• CSI Miami: David Caruso One Liners II: Sunglasses Edition [YouTube]