And ESPECIALLY when the solution to America's Movie Critic Deathwatch is hidden within the trenchant stream-of-consciousness rant therein. We're just sorry that troubled Hot Blog commenter "LexG" won't be around to reap the rewards of his masterwork after the blog's proprietor, David Poland, cut him off at the knees:

I'M SMARTER THAN HALF THE SO CALLED EXPERTS. I SHOULD BE A FUCKING FILM CRITIC. WHY AM I A WORKADAY POSTHOUSE DOUCHE WHEN I'M SMARTER THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD?

Our thoughts exactly! But that's hardly everything; taste all the bile after the jump. (Or, if you're Kenneth Turan, Elvis Mitchell or Luke Y. Thompson, maybe just consider skipping to the next item.)

I DON'T GET WHY SOME PEOPLE GET TO BE PROFESSIONAL MOVIE CRITICS WHEN I'M OBVIOUSLY SMARTER THAN THEM.

I HAVE DEGREES IN JOURNALISM, FILM HISTORY, AND ENLIGHT LIT, WITH MINORS IN RUSSIAN LIT, FILMMAKING, AND LIKE 15 OTHER THINGS.

HOW DOES A LUKE THOMPSON OR A FATBODY LIKE ELVIS DOUCHEBAG MITCHELL GET A PAID JOB AS A FILM CRITIC?

OR THAT FAT OLD BITCH KEN TURAN? THAT GUY IS THE WORST MOVIE CRITIC IN AMERICA, AN OLD, ELDERLY, BORING STUFFY BORE. KEN TURAN BLOWS.

LEXG IS SMARTER THAN FUCKING KEN TURAN, WHO'S LIKE THE BORING BOOK CRITIC VERSION OF MICHAEL MEDVED.

YEAH, I SAID IT. FUCK KEN TURAN. WORST MOVIE CRITIC IN AMERICA. OLD FUCK. MAN UP, TURAN, YOU'RE A PUSSY.

KEN TURAN IS GARBAGE.

HIRE THE LEX.

I'M SMARTER THAN HALF THE SO CALLED EXPERTS. I SHOULD BE A FUCKING FILM CRITIC. WHY AM I A WORKADAY POSTHOUSE DOUCHE WHEN I'M SMARTER THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD?

YES, I AM SMARTER THAN YOU.

YOU ARE A BITCH. I AM GOD. BOW TO ME.

THREE COLLEGE DEGREES, IQ OF 230. [...]

ALCOHOL OWNS. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

DRINK UP ALL BITCHES— LEXCOUNT = 11 BEERS, HALF A BOTTLE OF THE D.K.A. AND NOW SOME JACK BITCH.

YEP YEP.

KNOW. I AM PLAINVIEW. FUCK EVERYONE.

And there's more. Who's hiring?

• Dumping Posts [The Hot Blog]

"I am incredibly excited to be involved with such a prestigious show," said co-host Ben Lyons. "Reviewing films for a living is a thrill, and now that I will be a critic for At the Movies, it is an honor and huge responsibility that I look forward to."

"I am thrilled and honored beyond words to be joining the series," added co-host Ben Mankiewicz. "As a movie fanatic, this is my dream job. Without question, I certainly have very big shoes to fill."

Fine. It's not really the nepotism we mind — Lyons being the son of former At The Movies current Reel Talk host and syndicated hack Jeffrey Lyons (and grandson of NYC gossip Leonard Lyons); Mankewicz derived from his political-guru dad Frank Mankewicz and Citizen Kane-scripting grandfather Herman Mankewicz. That's not the kids' fault. However, the proliferation of Lyons' notorious quotewhoredom gives us pause, as does our fear that three generations of inbreeding within the critical gene pool will yield a monster that neither Ebert/Siskel/Roeper loyalists nor filmgoing kiddies want. But the guys come cheap, we suppose, and "Two Mutant Flippers Up!™" is kind of catchy, so we guess we'll reserve judgment until the Sept. 6 season premiere.

[Photo: Thompson on Hollywood]

• Lyons and Mankiewicz To Replace Ebert and Roeper [Thompson on Hollywood]