A long time ago, back when Radar wasn't a Zombie Radar, Charlie Sheen got married and it was carefully observed that, at his third wedding, Sheen noted:

"The first one was a show, the second one was a con, and this one is the real deal."

If by show, you mean, "I shot her in the arm." Oh, no, wait, that was fiancee Kelly Preston. But if by "con," he meant, "that time I was married to Denise Richards and she accused me of child molestation so in retaliation I accused her of beating the shit out of me," he'd be correct, I guess. So when he talks about the "real deal" he must've meant "the one time in my life I'll be in a relationship without a domestic abuse spat that involves police being called," well, he was wrong. Because he's now being accused of choking wife Brooke Mueller out.

He was charged with second-degree assault, menacing and criminal mischief and was housed in the Pitkin County jail, cops said. He later posted $8,500 bond after speaking with a county judge, according to police spokeswoman Stephanie Dasaro in Aspen.

No, but really Charlie Sheen, what's wrong with you?

Conspiracy Theorist? Check.
Racist? Check.
Druggie? Check.
Wifebeater? Check.

Also, Charlie Sheen, what's wrong with the people you marry or try to marry?

Kelly Preston ended up with John Travolta, and they both ended up scary Scientologists.

Denise Richards went totally fucking bonkers and had a show on E! where all bonkers people get shows.

This one was drunk and also isn't talking to cops which will just make this worse.

Better question: What's wrong with us? How is Charlie Sheen the highest paid actor on TV? Do you know anybody who actually watches Two and a Half Men? The real conspiracy theory is how Charlie Sheen still has a career. The guy is a bona. fide. fuckup. He is also invincible.

This incident, like every other Charlie Sheen incident, will matter not to anybody.

Charlie Sheen could burn down the Chateau Marmont with His Holiness the Dalai Lama in it after getting too crazy with his homemade meth lab, and Hollywood wouldn't hesitate to give him the leading role in a six-picture feature adaptation of Redwall as the lead mouse. And he'd win an Oscar for it.

Whatever. When this civilization is dead and the Avatard aliens or whoever are trying to understand our history and they get to the part about Charlie Sheen's career and the human compassion it somehow fueled itself on to keep going and going and never fail to die, all they'll need to do is watch this scene, which is basically the answer, and also, might serve as an essential part of the complex algorithm that is our ability as a species to conjure up forgiveness, or indulge ourselves in masochism, or something.

I think we like his smile. That has to be it.

Justin Timberlake's stalker—surprisingly, not Brittney Spears—one Ms. Karen McNeil, was busted on Timberlake's property last week. When asked to leave, she wouldn't. So Timberlake danced out a restraining order on this psycho, who'd also tried to follow Axl Rose. Which is sad for Justin Timberlake's publicist. So is the fact that, instead of just loving Justin, she's apparently being possessed by witches. Witches? Witches!

In the nonsensical ramblings, Karen states that she has been targeted by "Babylon witches" who seek to cast their "evil" on her.

Babylon witches? WTF? Has Robert Moses State Park really gotten that bad?

But Timberlake isn't the only one. Ryan Seacrest has a creepy leprechaun who thinks he's been made in Seacrest's image, or something. No, but seriously, this guy's scary, and he has a knife, and now Seacrest has a restraining order against him:

Lawyers for Seacrest got the order from a Los Angeles judge on Friday after Chidi Benjamin Uzomah Jr. was detained at the E! Entertainment Television headquarters the same day. Records show the 25-year-old man is already on probation for a previous incident involving Seacrest. Last month, Uzomah pleaded guilty to three misdemeanours, including carrying a switchblade knife as well as assault and battery. That was after he attacked one of Seacrest's bodyguards outside an event.

Who else? Miley Cyrus has had a ghoulish, pervy, 53 year-old stalker. Who just went free today. This was the guy who thought he was getting secret messages from Miley through the television a la Videodrome. Whereas we all hear "this music sucks, listen to something else," this creep hears, well, someone telling him to do creepy things. Which makes him crazy.

So what's there to understand about these people? Why do they think famous people give a shit about them, you know, besides the fact that they're mentally ill? What causes it? If the Stalker button on the top of this page is blatantly evident voyeurism, among other things, what goes beyond it? I'm sure it's still being studied, somewhere. In the mean time, Bret Easton Ellis plans on showing us the answer. Who else? Ellis is adapting a book for TV about Young Hollywood as seen through the eyes of a stalker. Wonder if he did his research on subjects close to him. Then again, considering his definition of "scary," he might be trying to teach us something. The stalked are scarier than the stalker, maybe?

Nah. Despite the fact that Hollywood's full of scary people, the people they spawn and inspire are even scarier.

Celebrities: they're nothing like us.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Adam Jasinski, winner of last season's Big Brother, didn't just sit on his laurels, spending the rest of his life harking back to his golden days in the sun. Realizing that one's moment doesn't last forever, he got up very quickly and went out to build the drug dealing empire he's always dreamed of.

Sadly, for every great dreamer, there's an army of people determined to stomp on their dreams and leaving nothing but broken shards on the floor. Yesterday, Jasinski was arrested and charged with attempting to sell oxycodone (aka Hillybilly Heroin) across the eastern seaboard.

<a href="">The FindLaw blog quotes a DEA special agent from the criminal complaint:

JASINSKI stated that for the past several months he had been obtaining thousands of pills of oxycodone and re-selling them to customers all along the east coast. JASINSKI was able to purchase large quantities of pills because he had received $500,000 as the grand prize winner of the CBS reality television show Big Brother Season 9.

Jasinki's day/cover job? Serving as head of The Lifestyle Publishing Group, a company he owns, which supposedly prints The Recovery Guide, a periodical on addiction and recovery issues.

Jasinki's Big Brother-learned skills of coping in a confined space may come in handy. The charges carry a penalty of up to 20 years in prison.

[via ASSME]

Joe Halderman's affairs were brazen, taking place both in the office and on the road, colleagues tell the Daily Beast's Lloyd Grove. He was a surly drunk, and was once thrown through a plate-glass window at an Upper East Side singles bar, one colleague told Grove. Some of his colleagues found his "cocky" aggressiveness more endearing, describing him to Grove as a "smart fratboy" and "charming rogue."

In fact, colleagues told the Observer, his limit-pushing was the key to his $200,000-$300,000 per year job at CBS News, where he worked starting in the early 1980s:

"If you said, which CBS News producer would be caught up in this thing, he would have been one of the first people to come to mind," said one associate. "His personality is one that pushes the envelope. As a breaking news producer that's what you need, but you could see how he would be living on the edge a bit."

And all the drinking and womanizing came crashing down on Halderman. His colleagues quoted in the Observer repeatedly "wondered out loud how such a smart person could do something seemingly so stupid." But it would seem he was pushed by circumstances, circumstances he himself made possible through his self-destructive spiral. Halderman met his first when wife when working in the CBS northeastern bureau, according to the Observer, only to divorce her after becoming a "star...cowboy" producer in London and re-marrying to a former CBS News translator — Russian, says Grove — who had three children of her own.

After having two kids with her, the couple divorced in 2004, a situation no doubt brought on at least in part by those "extramarital romances" colleagues told Grove about. As reported previously, Halderman was paying $6,800 and then $6,000 per month to the woman in child support payments. He went on to live with Stephanie Birkitt, a reported former lover of Letterman's, until she reportedly "dumped" him several weeks ago, as one colleague told Grove. His wife had just taken the kids with her in a move to Colorado and the breakup was, perhaps, the last straw.

As CBS producer Marcy McGinnis told Grove: "This is not a bad man. The behavior is so unbelievable, he just must have snapped."

[Previously]

(Pic: Halderman in New York Supreme Court today. Getty Images.)

Like Ryan Jenkins, Randone sought fame and fortune on television. This time it was 2000's The Sexiest Bachelor in America, a title for which he wasn't qualified. No matter, because Randone had another profession: he's a preacher who once said he wanted to use the show to display "masculine characteristics of a Christian," whatever that means.

And, like alleged kidnapping rapist Phillip Garrido, Randone once maintained a website, through which he spread his wacky ideas, like the importance of hell, a place where he envisioned going:

We are all sinners. Sin is a bigger problem than we care to admit or that we think. Sin is as small as thinking a bad thought and/or as big as murder. Because of sin, we deserve hell. I know that if there is one thing I deserve in life its(sic) hell…

Well, he could be headed that way, because cops say that on September 11, he tortured and the killed his live-in girlfriend, actress Felicia Lee, who appeared in such classics as Asian Fever, Hotel Decadence under the name "Felicia Tang." She also appeared in Rush Hour 2.

Randone's now being held on a $2 million bond and will be arraigned on Tuesday, although cops still don't have a motive.

So, the lesson here: America's popular culture, not the four horsemen, will spark the apocalypse. Also, if you meet someone who's been on a reality star, run, because they will kill you.

The Telegraph put together a great item report on the arrest. The 76 year-old Polanski, who's been living as a French citizen, was on his way to the Zurich Film Festival, where he was supposed to receive an honorary award and be the recipient of a tribute. The charges and arrest warrant—submitted in 2005 as an international alert by request of American authorities, meaning someone, somewhere still really wanted to bust him—stem from his 1978 guilty plea to supposedly drugging and definitely having sex with a then 13 year-old Samantha Geimer, an aspiring model, during a photo shoot at Jack Nicholson's place. Of course: it's always at Jack Nicholson's place.

Polanski plead guilty, but realized the judge might not honor the plea bargain in Polanski's sentencing, and left the country. The judge in the original case—the late Laurence Rittenband—has been accused of tampering with the verdict for political reasons. Polanski's tried to appeal the decision unsuccessfully. Just two months ago, he unsuccessfully tried to get an appeals court in California to overturn a refusal to even consider throwing out his 1977 case.

He's still been making films, and won an Oscar for The Pianist in 2003 (which Frantic star Harrison Ford accepted on his behalf), but hasn't returned to the US since. He had the quite the life pre-exile: his wife, Sharon Tate, was murdered by the Manson family. He was a refugee of the Holocaust; his mother told him to run before Nazis could get to him, and she was killed in Auschwitz.

And now, Polanski's situation and life is only going to get worse for all parties involved, again. Even the adult Samantha Geimer has forgiven him, and wants the case overturned:

The victim at the centre of the case, Samantha Geimer, has previously asked for the charges to be dropped, saying the continued publication of details "causes harm to me, my husband and children.

Oh, and thanks Switzerland, for pissing off the French:

France's culture minister says he is "dumbfounded" by the arrest. of the director, who is a french citizen. Frederic Mitterrand said he "strongly regrets that a new ordeal is being inflicted on someone who has already experienced so many of them".

Silly Swiss; with your sketchy, Nazi-assisting banks and "army" knives that could maybe fight a way on the canned soup aisle, you fucked up someone's weekend. And a nice film festival! His extradition and arrest are being processed there now (both of which he can fight in Swiss courts), but at this point, he looks to be headed home.

Roman Polanski's been a cause celebre of the film community since it happened. A documentary about the issue (Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired) ran on HBO last year. The trailer's below. Polanski's very much one of the most respected, working filmmakers alive. Expect there to be a huge outpouring of support for him in Hollywood. This is far from over.

Weathers will probably do more like one year, according to The Smoking Gun, although the time will be hardened by the fact that Weathers will have the least intimidating criminal record in the joint. "What are you in for?" "Mugging the shit out of a bunch of people. You?" "I stole DVDs from the mail and put them into my backpack everyday at work, until Netflix tipped off the USPS and I was busted on a surveillance video. I was caught RED HANDED. Geddit? Ha?"

A page of the plea agreement reprinted by the Smoking Gun refers to "the 3,012 recovered DVDs," implying that Weathers couldn't even fence the property he stole from the DVD mailing service, which is just as well: He faced $38,000 in restitution if he couldn't cough up the goods. Worst. Heist thriller. Ever.

(Pic via HackingNetflix on Flickr)

The last we paid attention to Spector, 69, he had been un-wigged and locked up for likely the remainder of his life after Clarkson "kissed the gun" he put in her mouth one drunken night in 2003. But he still has supporters, including Sandra Horine, a 43-year-old mother of two from Alice, Texas, who has become one of his prison pen pals.

A letter that he wrote to her in July (reproduced in full below) paints a picture of Spector as an angry and bitter man, remorseless about his crime and consumed by a victim complex. Spector, who signs off as the "Wizard of Iz," listed a raft of complaints about life at the Corcoran State Prison where he is locked in a 7 foot by 3 foot cell 23 hours a day, from how the guards intimidate him, to not being able to see his wife, Rachelle, to the "cruel" way that he was sent away before he had a chance to settle his business affairs. "They call this a "civilized" society. Bugs live more civilized beneath their rocks!"

Though it was more than six years between is first indictment for Clarkson's death until his sentencing last May (his first trial resulted in a mistrial), he complains how "cruel" it was for authorities to send him to jail before he had a chance to "tidy up my business affairs." He writes that it's "insane and very dangerous" when guards declare a lockdown six times a day. He accuses prison officials of playing "mind games" and being "jealous" of him when they won't allow him to see his wife Rachelle. And of the judge who sent him away, he writes, "I'm enraged with hate at that ... judge for sending me here and [it's] hate that keeps me going." Perhaps most galling to Clarkson's friends and family, he concludes, "They call this a "civilized" society. Bugs live more civilized beneath their rocks!"

A few of Spector's jailhouse missives have emerged since he was sent away last May. A letter he wrote to his friend Steve Escobar complained that he had been locked up in the same prison as Charles Manson, though he's held in a different complex reserved for prisoners undergoing substance abuse treatment. And as much as he says he hates Corcoran, he successfully protested being moved to another prison where his wife told the New York Post he thought he'd be killed.

Horine, who designs signage for a beer distributor, told Gawker that she closely followed both of Spector's trials and thinks that he is innocent. After he was sent to prison, she began writing him unsolicited letters. "I never in my wildest dreams thought he'd write me back." She's now lost count of how many letters they've exchanged — the latest, which she had in her purse when we reached her on the phone, arrived on Aug. 28 — and they even sometimes speak on the phone. More recently, she says, Spector's spirits have been up: "He's much better since he's gotten to see his wife."

At first, Horine forwarded the letters on to members of a "Free Phil Spector" email list she belongs to, and the internet being the internet, it ended up being passed along to us. But she's since started keeping her Spector correspondence private. "I don't want to share them with just anybody because these are letters he's writing me," adding, "Even though he's in there, he's still Phil Spector."

It's kind of gross, yes, but celebrity long ago superseded infamy. And, besides, there's no moral calculus in which corresponding with a murderer is worse than murders. For anyone who think what Spector did was heinous, the sputtering anger of an old man who's facing death alone and scared, this letter is evidence of justice being done.

The scans of the letter are tough to read, so we tried to transcribe it. There were some parts that were illegible, which we put in brackets, sometimes with our best guess of the missing words or letters.

[Rec]eived your 2 letters and I thank you [for] both of them and your kind words of encouragment + support. I am deeply most appreciative living in this "hell hole" which I call "The [Tar]antula Arms" or God's little acre [jus]t east of a rock + west of a hard place. I'm enraged with hate at that [ ] + judge for sending me here and [it's] hate that keeps me going. Some say hate is a good motivation. But I don't know how long it can last. This 24/7 lockdown life is slowly driving me insane and killing [me]. Did you know that six times a [day] they set off an "alarm" where [ ] you have to get face down on the floor wherever you are and remain there until the alarm goes off. Anyone who does not and is seen standing is "shot at"! They don't [tell] you if they use real bullets or not but they could. People have been known to die in this "drill." It's a warning to all prisoners not to "get out of line." And a way to keep the guards "sharp." It's insane and very dangerous. They play real [ ]ious "games" here in this prison.

Another note. Very rarely I am allowed out of my cell. In never go out-[ ]s as the desert heat daily is 112 degrees. But indoors I sometimes have access to a phone - sometimes. And [rar]ely. If I do I call Rachelle or my [daug]hter. Would you like me to try to call you if possible? The rules are strict and simple: I can only call collect (no credit cards are accepted). And I can only call to a land line - no cell phones. Rachelle forwards her land line to her cell phone to not miss my calls because she never knows when I might call. Would reimburse you at the end of the month through my trust fund for the amount of would appear on your phone bill "if" you wanted to do it and if I could call. [You] of course would have to send me your phone (land line) number. And if I could ever call it would be between the hours of 9:15 AM and 11:15 AM California time and one o'clock PM to 3:45 PM California time, weekdays only. Let me know if you are interested.

The appeal will take about a year and I [ ] I can endure this hellish prison [ ]e for that long. Rachelle has still not been "cleared" to see me. I have not seen her in person in almost 2 months. I think the prison is playing "mind games" with me. They are also [hol]ding back the mail she is sending [or] "pretending" she is not writing when I know she is. It's a thing they do with "celebrities" which they consider me. And older men who have younger wives. It's a "game" they play. [I th]ink they are just jealous. July marked the 3rd month I've been [ ]sely imprisoned 24/7, in a 7' by 3' cell. I have not felt this depressed, [alo]ne or lonely since my little boy (Nicole's twin brother) died at age 10 in 1992. This is a terrible + helpless feeling. Just as it was when they took me away in one minute with no chance to say goodbye or [ ] anyone or tidy up my business affairs. How cruel but apparently not unusual. And they call this a "civilized" society. Bugs live more civilized beneath their rocks!

I'm gonna go now. And remember in order to get from what was - to what will be - you've got to go through what is - and I'm the - "Wizard of Iz"

Love,
Phillip

The LAPD placed two officers, Rebecca Reyes and Blanca Lopez, on leave in connection with their investigation into the leak, the AP reports; supposedly the officers in question met Levin at a gay/lesbian networking event, at least according to a report floated in TheMediaBuffet.com, which last winter was first to report that TMZ paid $62,500 for the police snapshot.

Lopez's attorney has issued a blanket denial that she had anything to do with the leak; Reyes' lawyer has, according to AP, said she "did nothing criminal or anything for financial gain" — a much more specific denial that leaves open that possibility that TMZ's money may have gone to a friend or relative, as anti-paparazzi advocates claim is common practice.

The question of Reyes and Lopez's guilt is beside the point as far as the effect on TMZ is concerned: It's going to be harder to get the cooperation of law enforcement sources if they think it is at all likely a witchhunt will put their steady government job and comfy, government-funded retirement at risk, leaving them in the cold during a recession. Maybe Levin should put these two on the TMZ payroll, as a counter-example to others. He could certainly afford it.

(Pic: Levin at a Laker's game in April. Getty.)

Police sources in Jenkins' native Canada, where authorities believe he fled after murdering Fiore, say that the 32-year old took his own life in a British Columbia hotel room.

"We were able to determine that it was Ryan Jenkins," said Sgt. Duncan Pound of the RCMP's Federal Border Integrity Program, during an early evening news conference. "At this point it would be speculation as to how long he had been there."

The find came just hours after RCMP said Jenkins was in Canada...

Honestly, we feel a bit cheated on this one: not only are we firm believers that murderers should feel justice's swift kick, but the brutality of this crime - Fiore's body was found in a suitcase sans teeth and fingers and was identified via her breast implants - only enhanced our thirst for a relatively happy ending, not a hanging.

After reporting Jasmine Fiore missing on Saturday night, Jenkins disappeared and is now believed to be hiding out in his home country of Canada after driving up the West Coast from Southern California and then boating into Canada. According to the Telegraph, Jenkins has a history of domestic violence in his past, including one incident involving Fiore:

Court records show that Mr Jenkins was charged in June in Clark County, Nevada, with a misdemeanour count of "domestic violence" when he was accused of hitting Miss Fiore on her arm.

Mr Jenkins was also charged with assaulting his girlfriend in July 2005 in Calgary and given a conditional discharge with 15 months probation.

As you may recall, Jenkins met Fiore, who was reportedly working as a stripper at the time, in a Vegas casino after being booting off of the VH-1 show. They were married two days later and divorced a short time after that.

Interestingly, Jenkins appeared on another VH-1 reality show, I love Money 3, where he supposedly won the show's grand prize. That show has yet to air, and it's doubtful it ever will now that VH-1 is desperately trying to distance itself from Jenkins in every way now that he's wanted for murder with his bail already set at $10-million.

UPDATE: ABC just released a story containing some details about a "blow-out fight" Jenkins and Fiore engaged in at a poker tournament in San Diego, which was the last place she was seen alive.

"Jasmine was playing poker with a big group of friends at the Hilton Hotel," the source said. "She was being very rude and kept putting Ryan down. It was really awkward. She has a cutting sense of humor. He was getting really angry, and it totally set the tone for the rest of the evening."

The group later moved to the Ivy Hotel for drinks.

"She spent an enormous amount of time in the bathroom on the phone," the source said. "Ryan started asking who she was on the phone with, and she said her mom. It was 12:30 at night, and she was not on the phone with her mom.

"He kept screaming, 'Who were you talking to,'" the source added. "At about 1:30, they went up to their room to continue fighting."

Fiore was married to Ryan Alexander Jenkins, a contestant on the VH1 reality show, Megan Wants A Millionaire. His bio appears to have been removed by the network, but Steve Huff at True Crime Report caught a screengrab of it earlier before they did. In it, the Canadian investment banker boasts that he "has left many amazing women in his life primarily because he wanted more women," and that "the only time he cheated on his ex was when he wanted to break up with her."





The show is currently airing on VH1 and TMZ reported tonight that Jenkins was among its "final contestants." The gossip site also says that Jenkins met Fiore while she was stripping in Las Vegas after he was booted from the show, and that they married two days later.

Fiore, who recently moved to LA from Vegas with Jenkins, was last seen Friday night, some reports say at a poker tournament in San Diego, while others say at her home in Hollywood. Her remains were discovered by a homeless man digging through the trash for plastic cans at around 7am on Saturday morning. Fiore's mother said that her daughter was employed by Playboy as a representative and a coordinator for something called "Girls of Golf."

Jenkins' publicist says that he will cooperate fully with police investigating the murder, even though authorities believe he may be attempting to flee to Canada, his home country. Authorities also say that it was Jenkins who reported Fiore missing on Saturday morning. He then disappeared completely.

Pic via Jasmine Fiore's Modeling Portfolio

Jesse James Hollywood—a criminal with a name that will get him everywhere—said on the witness stand yesterday that he did not order the murder of a 15 year-old kid in revenge for the kid's half-brother owing James a $1,200 drug debt. Let's hope not!

James admits snatching the kid, Nicholas Markowitz, off the street and putting him in his van and driving him to Santa Barbara. Markowitz was later found "shot nine times and buried in the Santa Barbara foothills." His older brother Ben "was described by prosecutors as a white supremacist who wore swastika tattoos, despite his Jewish background."

Hollywood spent several years on the run as a fugitive in Brazil, and eventually came back to the US after being featured (multiple times) on America's Most Wanted. He says his friends killed Markowitz without his knowledge, and that he was shocked to hear it had happened.

All we know for sure is that if his name was "Elbert Dean Merriweather," Justin Timberlake never would have gotten involved.
[LAT]

He was a gay equality advocate on Miss USA, but then he was calling Will.I.Am "gay" like it was an insult in a nightclub. He did so to get under the singer's skin, but then when he did, successfully, get under his skin he got very upset at the results, even though he had thought the man a "thug" before pushing his buttons so he had to imagine it might get physical.

Now Hilton's trying to figure out if he's sorry or not. At the moment, the answer is, "Um, sort of:"

I wanted to hurt him with the word I chose, not anyone else. Unfortunately, the one who got hurt was me and, subsequently, a lot of other people. I wish none of it had happened.

I can't take it back. I did what I thought was best at the moment to stand up for myself in a non-violent yet still assertive way. Clearly, I am not homophobic... I will continue to say things that upset both gay people and straight people... I've come to terms with all my incongruities and am proud of who I am and what I do.

In closing, words can hurt. But words should not provoke someone to violence.

Hilton goes on, since the words "in closing" came less than halfway through his post. In closing, Perez Hilton makes no sense, and all efforts to make sense of him are futile.

The rough outlines of the case are known: Staub's drug-dealer boyfriend kidnapped a client, and Staub ratted him out, cutting a deal with federal prosecutors. That deal was brokered by her boyfriend, professional informant Kevin Maher, who knew the U.S. Attorney in Miami. But the details in the documents are spectacular.

In 1986, Staub went by the name Beverly Merrill, but her working name as a high-end prostitute was "Angela Minelli." She was living in Miami, and one of her clients was Daniel Claudio Aguilar, a cocaine dealer for the Medellín cartel. According to a federal indictment, Aguilar was selling two kilos of cocaine to a group of men for $48,000 in June of 1986. The deal was being "brokered" by Staub's neighbor, Carmen Centolella. Before it was consummated, Staub accompanied Centolella to his apartment down the hall from hers with one kilo to "test" it. When they got there, four men jumped Staub and ran off with the cocaine.

Aguilar blamed Centolella for the robbery, beat him, kidnapped him, and repeatedly called his father demanding $25,000 and threatening Centolella's life. Interestingly, one of those threatening phone calls was made by Staub—we mean "Angela"—herself.

Centolella's father called the FBI, who arrested Aguilar and another man with a 9 mm pistol in their car. They picked up Staub at Aguilar's house with six kilos of cocaine and $16,000 in cash.

After talking to Maher, Staub turned on Aguilar. She pleaded guilty to one extortion charge and cooperated with prosecutors.

This made Aguilar mad! Maher told us a couple weeks ago that Staub was crazy to appear on a reality TV show, because the guy she put away might want to know where to find her: "The guy she locked up was a high-level drug dealer from Medellín," Maher said. "Now he's out. What do you think he's gonna do when he sees her face on TV and knows exactly where she lives? She's got to be out of her fucking mind." That makes even more sense now, because according to court documents, Aguilar orchestrated threats against Staub back then: After she started cooperating with the government; Aguilar's mother called Staub to yell at her, another woman called to say "Your life is at an end, honey,"; her apartment was broken into; and a male called her to say he'd seen her walking her dog and that she shouldn't take "risks" like that. Aguilar was released from prison in 1994.

During and before the trial, Aguilar's attorneys tried to attack Staub's credibility by pointing out repeatedly that she was a prostitute.

And two years after the trial, while Staub was out on probation, a doctor wrote the court to advise that, given her "drug history and her former drug lifestyle," she should remain in a court-mandated rehab program.

And that's the story of how New Jersey's sweetheart used to be an extorting coke whore. Read the whole thing here. Really.

Brown will plead guilty to a felony and receive six months in jail or community labor — such as graffiti removal or trash pickup — and five years' formal probation. He will also undergo domestic violence counseling. Judge Patricia Schnegg said he will be allowed to complete counseling, community labor and probation in his native Virginia, but is to be treated there like any other offender.

The maximum he would have faced if convicted in court was five years in prison. Let's hope the domestic violence counseling works out.
[LAT. Pic via]

There's already been an arrested in connection with the incident. Toronto police have charged 36-year-old American Molina Liborio with assault in the case. This sounds like Will.I.Am's manager, known as "Polo Molina," who Hilton had fingered as the man who punched him and who had previously turned himself in to Toronto cops, according to TMZ.

The attack occurred shortly after Will.I.Am repeatedly demanded Hilton stop writing about him and Hilton, by his own account, called him "gay" and a "faggot" to get under his skin.

Which, honestly, is the sort of over-the-top hissy fit anyone would expect from the Perez Hilton, Scourge of the Internet. That Perez Hilton is so shameless his brand is practically bulletproof; he runs sex pictures of a beloved gay icon and people barely bat an eyelash.

But Hilton's been trying to overhaul his image and turn more nice and advertiser-friendly. Which makes it unfortunate, for him, that he's talking defensively about his own meanness in the widely-viewed video (above) about this incident, which he also documented on Twitter (below).

Although Hilton's demolished his image rehabilitation, he can take solace that nothing he ever does will ever destroy his brand as the web's most shameless gossip. Still, Will.I.Am still looks worse here, for managing to underline Hilton's (shudder) clout as a music critic and writer with an angry confrontation. Can we somehow conjure sympathy for the guy who called someone else "gay" and "a fag" in a tawdry nightclub fight? Yes, apparently, we can.

Crime Scene Blog says:

Don't know all the details yet, but the state has apparently gone after RadarOnline for filming Octomom's kids in violation of state labor laws.

We're no lawyers, but considering the fact that showing her out-of-control kids was clearly one of RadarOnline's greatest reasons for making all the Octomom vids in the first place, there might be something there. We'll let you know as we find out more.

UPDATE: KTLA News in LA says that RadarOnline failed to follow California's, uh,quite extensive set of child labor laws, particularly regarding infants:

Labor Commission officials say the violations relate to the evening of March 17th, when her first two of the octuplets arrived home from the hospital...
The web site failed to get a work permit, an entertainment permit and did not have a studio teacher on site while filming was taking place.

Why the fuck do you need an onsite "studio teacher" for newborn octuplets? No idea. But since infants are only permitted to work for 20 minutes a day, these octuplets could be the most lucrative team of infant stars in the business, if they hurry up. One hundred sixty potential minutes of luxurious, identical filming! Call em now, producers!

Sutherland's behavior, like his corrosive and overtly propagandist TV serial, was gratuitously savage; undisputed is that he head-butted designer Jack McCollough at the nightclub, and that McCollough never laid a hand on the actor or presented an imminent threat to anyone else. The only fact in question is whether McCollough stumbled into actress Brooke Shields before getting slammed (Sutherland's people apparently mark this as sufficient justification).

Still, it's a minor charge: Third-degree assault. Sutherland is unlikely to face jail time — in New York.

But Los Angeles is a different matter. There, Sutherland is in the midst of a five-year probation term for his second drunk driving conviction, and will be in violation of that probation if he is found to have broken any laws. Los Angeles prosecutors have already told People they plan to "review the incident" in New York.

A finding of intoxicated battery could draw an especially harsh penalty, of 48 days or more. And that, in turn, could mean delays for 24, set to start production on its eighth season at the end of May, according to the Hollywood Reporter. The show already had a hellish, truncated season 7 due to the writer's strike.

Never let it be said that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't know how to get out of a jam like this one when the clock is ticking. But take away his ability to magically solve all problems by beating the crap out of someone and suddenly his situation, not to mention Fox's, looks a lot more precarious.