After a protracted lull, theater violence experienced an uptick last month when the heroic Joseph Cialella quieted a mouthy fellow viewer at a Philadelphia screening of Benjamin Button. And last Friday, police evacuated 700 filmgoers following a shooting in a Greensboro multiplex where Notorious played on several screens (and where the film's leading man, Jamal Woolard, was in attendance). And yesterday, right on cue, the knives came out in New York:

A Long Island security guard at a movie theater in Valley Stream has been arrested for stabbing a moviegoer, police said.

Police said the security guard, Ricardo Singh, 24, was directing patrons to exit the theater after a showing of My Bloody Valentine in 3D when he got into an argument with a 16-year-old who wanted to wait inside for his ride. The argument escalated into pushing and shoving and Singh allegedly took out a folding knife and stabbed the teenager in the stomach, police said.

And after all that, the victim had to wait inside for his ride anyway — an ambulance that hauled him off to get six stitches. Singh was arrested and charged with assault, just another sign warning haunted Americans of the dangers of imitative violence afflicting our culture. As such, we'd advise avoiding all of these films this weekend, and skip Hotel For Dogs for good measure. And if a race-riot slaughter looks imminent at Slumdog Millionaire, try Paul Blart: Mall Cop. You'll be in good hands.

• Police: Security Guard Stabs 'My Bloody Valentine' Moviegoer [AP]

James Joseph Cialella Jr., 29, allegedly fired one round at an unidentified yakker at a Christmas Day showing of Button. According to reports, Cialella had asked the man and his son to keep quiet; when that failed, Cialella began tossing popcorn at the son. Tempers flared and a confrontation occurred, culminating in the dream of every chat-aggrieved filmgoer alive: Cialella drew a .380 caliber handgun and shot the dad in the arm, soundly ending the family's conversation, scattering other patrons in the crowd, and — perhaps best of all — prompting the gunman back to his seat, where he resumed watching the film in complete, unmolested quiet. For a little while, anyway; police soon hauled Cialella from the Riverview Theatre in handcuffs, later charging him with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations.

We're no lawyers, but surely we've arrived at a point at which the forcible silencing of chatty theater patrons is as self-defensive as shooting a burglar — particularly when it comes to the exquisite craft of David Fincher, whose reaction to this news no doubt supplanted Button's debut as his "first rimjob" moment. As such, consider this the launch of the Free Cialella campaign. We know tolerating a single act of gun violence can create a slippery slope (shooting your upstairs neighbor who spent the last week rewatching Mamma Mia! at high volume is still not justifiable, alas), but surely some genius defense attorney out there can convince a jury that Cialella was acting on all filmgoers' behalves, and in the interest of cinema in general.

Or, in the instance that he really is just a lunatic, at least get some cultural mileage out of the attack. We could use a hero, batshit South Philly gun-fiend or not.

• Phila. man shot because family talked during movie [Philadelphia Enquirer]

Jackson, 49, who had managed just fine at UCLA Medical Center for 32 years without feeding confidential files to the press, will now do hard time and pay a fine of up to $250,000 for doing exactly that back in 2006. She resigned her position last year before UCLA could fire her, but not before details of Fawcett's cancer diagnosis and treatment could show up in the Enquirer's hallowed pages and a subsequent investigation revealed more than 1,000 breaches of hospital confidentiality since 2003. Another employee, Huping Zhou, was indicted last month for illegally accessing 71 celebs' records, which he kept to himself rather than broker them to the tabloids. Selfish, selfish, selfish!

Meanwhile, Jackson will be sentenced in May, the medical documents are now secure, and the Enquirer's pillars of rectitude appear to have deflected a spray of legal bullets from the feds:

U.S. attorney's spokesman Thom Mrozek said that no charges have been filed against the Enquirer or any other publications, but that the role of the media is part of the investigation into the privacy breaches.

"Certainly there is possible culpability at media outlets if we can determine that they were knowingly paying for the illegal access of celebrity files," Mrozek said.

"Knowingly paying for the illegal access of celebrity files"? Never! A stolen Farrah Fawcett biopsy is worth at least $7,500 in this market.

• Former UCLA hospital worker admits selling records [AP]

According to police called to the Stray Cat at 2 a.m., the actors and four other crew members "interfered" with the other's arrest:

A Brolin insider told the Daily News that the actor was not involved in a physical scuffle, as several news outlets previously reported. "He was released very soon after the incident," the source said. "It was not a bar fight. It wasn't a physical situation."

Brolin was released from jail after paying $334 bail; Wright wasn't listed in police booking records as of Saturday evening.

Nevertheless, there's Wright's mug shot, boosting Team W pride just in time for the Vanity Fair delegation reportedly en route to visit the principals that day. And what a scene that would greet them: No different than any authentic Bush kegstand, really, with four squad cars, bike cops and a canine unit arriving to squelch the fun. We can't wait to see what carnage ensues if these guys actually do premiere before election day — in character as Dick Cheney, Richard Dreyfuss alone is good for at least a couple overhead beer-bottle smashes before he breaks out his shotgun.

[Photo credit: Josh Brolin, Jeffrey Wright, others on Oliver Stone film arrested [NYDN]

• "Bush," "Colin Powell" Nabbed In Bar Fight [CBS]

The contract he's suing over covers the years 2001-05. According to the deal, Grant started at an annual salary of $875,000, which was to increase to $1,025,000 by his final year, plus a bonus of 25% of his salary for each year Fox TV was profitable (or $112,500 if it didn't make money).

He also was granted a one-time bonus of 5% of the company's profits up to $1,250,000, to be paid in a manner and time-frame to be negotiated in good faith between the parties, as well as the unspecified payments from the company's [Equity Appreciation Plan] (even though that plan had been discontinued). Grant now says he wasn't paid this bonus or the EAP money and that Fox didn't negotiate in good faith.

Only a judge can decide who got paid what or when, but just one glance at the contract makes us wish we'd stayed in school long enough to have a million-dollar-plus kicker to go to court over. This page-view bonus crap is for the birds. And "equity appreciation"! Denton, are you listening?

• Former Fox TV Studio Topper Sues for Unpaid Compensation [THR, Esq.]

Prosecutors said Levin orchestrated a scheme to overstate Team Communications' annual and quarterly revenue to make the company appear profitable, when it was actually losing money. As a result, they said, customers ended up paying inflated distribution fees and Levin profited from the scheme.

Levin received a $335,000 bonus based on the company's reportedly profitable 1999 performance, and he pledged more than 500,000 shares as collateral for a loan to buy a $1.5 million ranch in Big Sky, Mont., prosecutors said.

We imagine a balance sheet that stated a $1.7 million profit in 1999 as a $4.25 million loss two years later — then crashed $42 million deeper in 2002 — was the kind of red flag you can't sneak past most federal investigators. Nevertheless, it's just as likely that a high-powered defense team is hammering out ironclad conspiracy theories as we speak, something along the lines of a concerted government effort to put away the producer of record for landmark dross including Hollywood's Stuntmakers, FX Masters, Superstars of Action, Mysterious Forces Beyond, World's Most Mysterious Places and Laurie Cooks Light and Easy. Indeed, Defamer sympathizes, and in the unfortunate instance of Mr. Levin's conviction or plea deal, we hope his sentence will be reduced to time already served.

• TV producer charged with stock fraud [AP]