JFP is apparently now an extra-wrangler. For the movies! He was trolling for extras on Craigslist in Atlanta—the posting is now deleted, but luckily it's reproduced right there on his priceless personal website!

DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A MOVIE WITH BILL MURRAY, SISSY SPACEK AND ROBERT DUVALL - THEN COME OUT ON WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY (note dates have been moved back AGAIN due to inclement weather)!
NOTE: to be in this movie, you must use my name - JOHN FITZGERALD PAGE - when you check-in. NO EXCEPTIONS. Leave me your name and the days you can show up at johnfpage@yahoo.com if you plan to come out either or both days.
What: Feature Film - "Get Low" - starring Bill Murray, Sissy Spacek, Robert Duvall http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1194263/
Setting: 1930's
Date: Wednesday 3/4 and Thursday 3/5 (EARLY IN THE MORNING)
When: Call time 3:30 a.m. WOMEN (pre-fit) & MEN (pre-fit) 4 a.m. Pre-fit means you have already been seen by wardrobe.
When: Call time 5 a.m. WOMEN & MEN (not pre-fit). Early birds get closer to the cast!
Scene: outside - a recluse stages his own funeral before he dies and it becomes a huge event with thousands attending.
Temp: (at call time) 35-43 degrees (high) 55-61 degrees- dress appropriately - some heated areas provided. Wear thermals or plain jackets you can take on and off easily.
Food: Complimentary coffee and soup, lunch
Extras: OPEN TO THE PUBLIC! Bring yourself and as many other people as possible (pre-fit or not). We can use you Wednesday (more important day) or Thursday or both days. Email johnfpage@yahoo.com with first & last names and days you plan to attend, then just show up with period clothes, hair & makeup and use JOHN FITZGERALD PAGE at check-in! Find me on set!...

Compensation - No pay, but you get lunch/snacks, a chance for prizes (flat-screen TVs, signed scripts, meet the stars, etc.), to be in a movie and see Bill Murray, Sissy Spacek and Robert Duvall up close!
Perfomance by: STEEL DRIVERS (GRAMMY NOMINATED BAND) WILL BE PERFORMING THROUGHOUT THE DAY

Any Gawker readers in Atlanta had better be there, taking notes. And just FYI, ladies, JFP includes these photos as guidance as to how you might want your hair to look:

Send us full reports! [Read all about JFP here and also here]

That's why we at Defamer are always eager to pass along cost-efficient, stress-reducing services geared towards Hollywood's hardworking and high-powered men (and sometimes women, but not today, sorry girls). Look no further, pent-up-eroonies!

NOONER b/j !!!!!!!!!!!!! - 49 (bURBANK)
Reply to: redacted
Date: 2009-02-10, 11:49AM PST

Any Warner Brothers or Disney Execs
up for an AWESOME blow job this afternoon!?!?!?
I am on my knees to please sirs.
lets do it!!!!!!!!!!!!
You deserve it NOW!

Perhaps this could be the perfect opportunity to commemorate the DreamWorks/Disney distribution deal, with representatives from each studio—one in mouse ears, the other holding a fishing rod—availing themselves simultaneously of the Craigslist poster's services in a symbolic coming together as one.

• NOONER b/j !!!!!!!!!!!!! - 49 (bURBANK) [Craigslist]

1997 Black Infiniti J30 4D Automatic with Leather and Moonroof. - $2200 (Koreatown)

129k miles. Two owners. All in all it’s a great car with a few minor mechanical and cosmetic issues:

The alternator needs to be replaced because it’s not charging the battery. My mechanic says it will cost around $250(parts and labor) to replace.

The body has a few small scratches and minor dings. No rust.

There is a deep crescent shaped scratch on the front windshield, left by the bottom edge of a formerly malfunctioning wiper blade. It’s barely noticeable except in direct sunlight and at night when illuminated by oncoming traffic.

There’s a small crack in the exhaust system that doesn’t seem to affect performance but it does give the car the idle of a much larger vehicle.

The front driver-side power window is not working but can be easily slid up and down with ones outstretched palm and a little finesse. All the other windows work perfectly (Except the rear drivers side window, which really doesn’t like to go down more than a quarter of the way.)

The Infiniti emblems in the center of each rim have pretty much faded away but they’d look nice spray painted black or covered with band stickers.

There’s something wrong with the fan belt. Again performance doesn’t seem to be affected much, though, when driven under 70mph, it does make a metallic shrieking noise like the Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. If you haven’t seen those films then I suppose it sounds a lot like a pig being stabbed. This is nothing to worry about if you live in a bad neighborhood and don’t need to impress anyone.

The car has an amazing Bose CD/Tape player stereo system. The CD player works great. The tape deck on the other hand has an old mixtape lodged inside it, but who listens to tapes anymore really. Also the volume dial has become a bit finicky over the years. I don’t recommend playing with it as I have it set at a comfortable volume and even the slightest touch will turn the stereo up to it’s maximum volume. In case this happens, you should turn down both the bass and treble and balance/fade the stereo to the right rear speaker. In this state you should be able to listen to news or talk radio, if all the windows are down. Also some of the stereo’s important buttons are missing because of an incident with a very powerful coin operated vacuum. With a bit of practice though you’ll be able to work it just fine. And the retractable antenna no longer retracts but it keeps trying.

The under carriage guard is missing. More accurately, it was lost during a night of blackout drinking. Also part of the front passenger side wheel hub was lost that same night. I drove the car a distance of 5 miles without a front passenger tire and the sparks from my rim scrapping the road, lightly singed the paint on the front fender just above the wheel. Honestly this is just a theory as I was drinking that night as well. Rubbing compound and elbow grease should make it look a lot better.

On the bottom of the drivers side door there’s a small gash where I hit a broken cinder block a few years back. There’s a matching gash in roughly the same spot on the passenger side. That one just seemed to show up one day. Again, I recommend rubbing compound.

Despite the above cosmetic flaws the car looks great, inside and out, on misty nights, under a layer of dew. These nights are great for dates or business dinners where you’ll need to chauffeur clients. Generally speaking, most of the cars flaws will go unnoticed if your passenger has had more than 4-5 alcoholic beverages.

Recently Smogged

The interior is basically clean. On humid days though you might smell the slightest hint of goat cheese or stale milk, due in part, and this is just a guess, to a small amount of my girlfriend’s dried vomit hiding under the front passenger seat, where the coin-operated vacuum, mentioned above, could not reach.

The check engine light and abs brake service light are on but my mechanic assures me that it’s a fuse issue and not an engine or abs brake issue.

One of the best things about the car is that in its current condition you need not ever worry about it being stolen or messed with. In fact I once neglected to replace the front driver side window for four months, after it was shattered by two brawling teens. And in that time the car was not once burglarized or urinated in. I attribute this to the fact that my J30 projects a palpable menace. It’s the car of a violent crystal meth dealer or your new Korean girlfriend’s abusive ex-boyfriend.

If you’re interested in taking a look you can meet me on the 6th floor of the Arclight Hollywood’s parking structure where it failed to start after a showing of Gran Torino, staring Clint Eastwood. (A bit corny but actually not that bad)

The Kelley Blue book value for a 97 J30’s in good condition is $3,770, however I will entertain offers as low as $2200.

Thank You.

Shhh. Anything any of us could say right now will just diminish the afterglow.

• 1997 Black Infiniti J30 4D Automatic with Leather and Moonroof. - $2200 (Koreatown) [Craigslist]

Dating Coordinator for Busy TV Personality/Doctor (Beverly Hills)

Hi: I’m looking for a Dating Coordinartor/PR assistant who can market me personally to find a seriously minded soul mate/marriage partner.

A little about me: I’m a successful, attractive, personable, generous, good-hearted, single Doctor/TV personality who is a little shy and busy to date. I would like to hire a canvasser/pr/sales type to help me find an attractive, personable lady for a long-term relationship.

This would be an ongoing canvassing position, paying $10.00 hour on part-time hours plus bonus. This is perfect for students, single parents, older adults, and actors/musicians who are sociable and have plenty of free time. You would go out into social circles, talk to select individuals, give them my card with email, and I would take care of the rest. Think of it kind of like a real-world version of the TV shows: “The Bachelor” or “Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire?”

This is an ongoing position, and would last anywhere from six months to 1 year or longer, since I am taking my time in finding the right soul mate to be with. There are plenty of matchmakers, headhunters, and internet services that do this, but frankly I don’t trust them. I believe a real world person like you meeting a real world person for me is ideal.

Since there may be more than one qualified candidate, and I have ample resources, more than one person may be hired for this position.

If you’re interested, please send me your phone, photo, and qualifications to me.

Thanks

Ah yes, a "real-world version of Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire?” Can you smell the romance? We sure can, and it's the same corpsey stench that came off our TV sets when Darva Conger first took Rick Rockwell's hand in marriage. But this is no time to get picky about employment. Ten bucks an hour to marry off a celebrity doctor sounds like a dream job to us! Now update your resume skills section to read "proficient in quickly befriending other swimsuit models with great tits" and send those suckers in!

• Dating Coordinator for Busy TV Personality/Doctor (Beverly Hills) [Craigslist]

LOOKING TO BLOW OBAMA - 24 (Burbank)

Chill masculine white guy looking to blow a dude while he wears this Obama Halloween mask I have.
I'm 24 white brn/blue smooth 7.5"cut athletic
Be masculine, hiv neg, and bug free.
Open to race. Be real. Send stats and pic.
Peace and Go Obama!

We admire the poster's color-blind screening process, as well as his willingness to reward Obama's noted oral skills with some of his own. In fact, another Craigslist poster popped up to offer an unlikely endorsement:

re: looking to blow obama

only cause this is anonymous. I hooked up with that guy last week. he had me sit in front of his tv and played Obama's acceptance speech and I was wearing this realistic Obama mask while he blew me.
It was kinda freaky. But the dude gave good head and swallowed.

Now there's a political platform we can get behind! Good luck to the Obama fetishist in his unlikely quest for political volunteers; we eagerly await the rebuttal "LOOKING TO SPOON MCCAIN - 65 (Simi Valley)."

• Exclusive: Obama buys half-hour of network primetime [THR]

• LOOKING TO BLOW OBAMA - 24 (Burbank) [Craigslist]

HUNG BLACK ESCORT NEEDED FOR EMMY AWARDS (Awards and after parties)

I am looking for a hung black escort to attend the Emmy Awards with me. The escort must wear flimsy white linen slacks that will be tailored and provided. Cockring ok—no underwear.

No money involved. Must attend the Emmy Awards and a couple after-parties with me. Fuck around with whoever you like, but flimsy, white linen slacks must be worn with no underwear — a cockring is preferred. Escort can be white but prefer black. Must be hung however. Have fun and meet the right men.

Lets have some fun!

Included with the ad was the accompanying photo (we've black-barred out all faces to protect the innocent). Interested and appropriately equipped parties take note, however: We make no guarantees that the blonde man gleefully sniffing the trophy's signature rubber-band ball will be the same one who'll be similarly inspecting your white-linen-wrapped goods (post-Labor Day fashion bylaws be damned!) after Sunday night's big event.

• HUNG BLACK ESCORT NEEDED FOR EMMY AWARDS (Awards and after parties) [Craigslist]

Boomp3.com

Despite crafting an elaborate plan involving a system of rope lines, helicopters and intensive flash photography, Suri Cruise was unable to make a clean getaway from parent Katie Holmes in New York on Tuesday night. Suri admitted that she failed to account for one thing: her mother's sunglasses. Cruise said, "I always forget about her sunglasses. I thought maybe for once she would be a normal person and not wear them since you know, it's night. Nope, mommy wanted to pretend she was a rock star yet again." Cruise place a share of the blame on the actors she hired for the failed attempt on Tuesday night. Cruise added, "You get what you pay for when you use Craigslist. I was paying in pizza rolls and I got a bunch of dudes from New Jersey." Cruise still remains optimistic and plans on making another getaway in the near future, perhaps during a snowstorm.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

FREE Driver in exchange for a look in your underwear! (SoCal)
Hey ladies!

I'll pick you up, drive u to work, pick u up from work and drop u back home for FREE!!! NO charge! But it'll depend how far your work is and I can only drive u 2-3 times a week cause I don't have the car a lot and the days will vary every week. All I ask is a pose in your underwear while I release myself, that's it!

You don't have to do anything, no touching or dancing. Just let me see u in your undies while I release myself! It'll take about 5-10 min that't it. I know this is a wierd deal but it's real and not a scam. I'm a real person kinda shy but a good guy.

So, it would work like this. I would come to your place and u give me a tease in your undies and after I'm done I'll drive u to your work. When I pick you up and drop you to your home, you would give me another tease! That's it! Please, lets make this work! Pretty please...............? I have a pic and number IM me at [redacted].

We can meet in public first to get to know each other and we can talk on the phone. Again, I'm a real person no strings attached! I'll drive for you FREE! If u need to stop for errands along the way, I'll do it for you also! I have a nice clean car '03 year. Let's make this work!

Yes, lets! And if you're having hesitations that this attempt at beating the pump will end up with a best case scenario of your driver beating his—and at worst, with what tabloids will eventually dub the "Peekaboo Carpool Strangler"—all those enthusiastic exclamation marks should be more than enough to convince you!

• FREE Driver in exchange for a look in your underwear! (SoCal) [Craigslist]

"After several great years together my last assistant and I have decided to date, thus making a professional relationship a conflict of interest. Be aware that this could be a temporary position if things do not work out between the two of us. All the standard prerequisites apply, positive attitude, promptness, attention to detail, good hygiene and strong fashion sense a MUST."

More gratifying household chores responsibilities — and your guesses as to the aid-boffing boss's identity — follow after the jump.

Of course you'll be expected to perform all the usual call-rolling, filing and calendar coordination duties, but the ideal candidate will have additional tolerance for an even wider range of soul-coarsening degradation:

Other duties that may be asked of you from time to time are:
Personal shopping (i.e. belts)
Cooking- experience with liquidarian preparation preferred but not required
Pet management (I live in a ranch style home in the Hollywood hills so hope you like horses, dogs, and a prize winning show peacock) may be asked of you from time to time but not part of your regular duties

So! We have a belt-wearing liquidarian with a handsome peacock (unless that slyly refers to either an NBC dance show we don't yet know about or... well, never mind). That should be easy enough to suss, right? Help us help you.

• Assistant Needed for High Ranking Staffer on Hit Dance Reality Show [Craigslist via WYBM]

2 tix: The Dark Knight on IMAX @ The Bridge - $60

I have 2 tickets for "The Dark Knight" at THE BRIDGE CINEMA DE LUX for this Friday (7/25) at 6:45. Please e-mail me if you are interested. Pick up only.

Or, if a romantic transaction is more your style, follow the jump for a sampling of the DK Personals Marketplace:

come see the "Dark Knight" with me, 4:45 today - m4m - 30 (West LA, Santa Monica, hollywood, LA)

hey guys, I'm looking for someone around my age (22 - 36) to go watch "The Dark Knight" wtih me over at the Arclight in "the Dome"....one of my friends flaked (big surprise) and I have an extra ticket I don't want to go to waste...I'm going either way...but I'd rather have someone come join me.

Great seats...so just be into comic movies and come out and have a good time, maybe we'll grab dinner after.

The Dark Knight - w4m

I am off today, who wants to see the movie "The Dark Knight"

Looking for someone to watch "The Dark Knight" with. - m4w - 27 (South Gate)

title says it all. let me know if interested.

Meanwhile, the eBay market has cooled down considerably since Friday; we're relieved to see that one Universal City seller's $499.99 offer went unbid-upon. And adjusted for inflation, of course, that'll probably be a steal by the time scalpers everywhere are honing their pitches for Iron Man 2. We'll take our chances.

• 'The Dark Knight' - Personals [Craigslist]

CASTING Hamster for short film (los angeles)

I am looking for a hamster.

I know I could buy one, but then I would own it. So , I was hoping to just rent one for 50 bucks for a couple hours.

The Hamster will be work in a studio shoot on a greenscreen. He is playing Rocky, the captain of a boat.

please send a picture

We are shooting for a couple hours on saturday, that is this coming saturday the 28th in Hollywood.

This coming Saturday? Fuck! Our hamster already made plans. Whatever — his headshots haven't arrived yet anyway.

• CASTING Hamster for short film (los angeles) [Craigslist]

20th Cent. FOX lot. MWM, horny, hung thick! Any other studs here? - 38 (Fox Lot)

38, MWM, VGL, discreet, clean, NEG, and HUNG. Looking for some playmates on the lot for jacking/oral. Or around the area who can host from time to time. Cool with jacking, oral, anything safe. And, yes, total top here. Forward pics. No pics = no response. Face too. Gotta see you before meeting up. Total discretion, obviously. Thanks and have a great day.

No, thank you! Not be outdone, Sony's rascal in Culver City reintroduced his offer as well ("Stuck here on the lot again today, no luck yesterday, getting hornier by the hour"), once again accompanying his plea with a photo of an unsuspecting cluster of folks listening in at the masturbatory hotbed of Stage 19. We can't wait to see how a horny Paramount drone, with the swinging dick of his studio's billion-dollar 2008 tightly in hand, ups the symbolic ante on Wednesday with the C/L's lustiest, most well-cast and best-marketed ad to date.

• 20th Cent. FOX lot. MWM, horny, hung thick! Any other studs here? [Craiglist]

• Sony Lot JO [Craigslist]

$2000 cash to any famous actors or very famous figure who can participate in the premier for David and Fatima movie: June 27th 7pm.

the $2000 will be handed to you once you arrive at the theatre.

The usual C/L job board criteria may slim the producers' odds a bit ("Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job!"), but we think we'll drop by anyway for a glimpse at the multi-Spears pile-up likely to ensue as the director fans his fistful of $100's in front of the box office. Just don't tell the IRS.

• Actor/Actress [Craigslist]

Remember the scene in Revenge of the Nerds where the cheerleader gets fucked while the nerd is wearing a Darth Vader costume.

I WANT TO BE THAT CHEERLEADER!

You don't have to wear the whole getup, just the mask. I have the mask. PLEASE!

Remember, lightsabers are dangerous weapons, so we have to play safe.

I am also totally down with fucking some Jedi if anyone has some Jedi robes.

I am into most positions and very oral. No anal please.

Send a picture so I can see the man behind the mask. A picture of your rod would be cool too. Everyone with a photo will be considered.

While the request was filed under "casual encounters w4m," we'd caution all takers that there's no guarantee that the person who greets you at the door, holding pom-poms and wearing a head-to-toe Boba Fett get-up with easy-entry adjustments, is necessarily a female. May the Force be with you.

• use the force - w4m - 25 (central la) [Craigslist]

Looking for SURGEON perf 1st surgery of kind or VERY FIRST SURGERY (Los Angeles)

Production Company in Los Angeles is working on a pilot reel for a television series for a major cable network.

We are looking for SURGEONS who will be performing the VERY FIRST SURGERY of its kind or his/her VERY FIRST SURGERY. You must be located in southern California. If this is you, please e-mail us your contact number and the best time to call you.

We are under a tight deadline, so if you are interested and met the above qualifications we need your submissions ASAP!

Virgin-Surgeon Island provides virtually limitless potential for steamy hookups, dramatic conflict, and nail-biting invasive medical procedures, as a dozen telegenic med school grads find themselves sequestered on a remote, tropical locale. There they'll be forced to compete in a series of increasingly demanding tasks—-from the Body-Shot Suturing Challenge, to the 3M Angioplasty-Off and Celebrity Liver-Transplant Finale—using nothing but their textbooks and keen wits to guide them.

• Looking for SURGEON perf 1st surgery of kind or VERY FIRST SURGERY (Los Angeles) [Craigslist]

Be a willing ear to listen to Artist new creative developments while creating new music projects as well as helping Artist to prepare for movie auditions; including script readings, internet research and shopping for audition wardrobe. ...

Oversee the maintenance and upkeep of multiple residences as well as Artist Automobile(s).

Must be comfortable navigating throughout the Los Angeles Area with the ability to give directions including short cuts. ...

Must be professional, ethical, reliable, organized and multi-task oriented. Confidentiality, discretion, diplomacy and resourcefulness are imperative as is a positive attitude. You should naturally possess a nurturing, compassionate and very personable disposition. Be comfortable as a caregiver with some natural instincts. Nothing over-bearing, just the basics. ...

Know when to have a laid back approach/personality; observing when the Artist is in a creative mode as well as when to assert yourself when on the road and handling business.

Naturally we wonder which industry dynamo requires a college-educated slave simply to read GPS data and take the Mercedes over to Jiffy Lube. That said, $50K per year seems like a small price to pay for an assistant with the "natural instincts" for caregiving and "observing" when the capital-A Artist is in a "creative mode." At least there's some traveling involved; bone up on your state-fair concert circuit and we expect you'll be light years ahead of the game come interview time.

• Celebrity Personal Assistant [Craigslist]

I have been called a genius by some of the world's top scientists. I became interested in writing scripts many years ago, and studied screenwriting independently (and intensely) between 1985 and 1990, and wrote two practice feature scripts and ten TV scripts. However, I was living in isolation (as geniuses sometimes do), so had no social contacts, much less connections in the industry. ...

I have managed to interest an investor from overseas via my website, who wishes to remain anonymous and who has 20 M he wants to invest outside his country in some area. However, he would also like a business plan, budget, timeline, etc. He has not specified the entertainment industry, but also has not rejected my proposal of it.

Ideally, if the investor likes the science-fiction business plan, I would like to write or cowrite the first script and then bring in a name director and name actors. I would also like to get a studio involved at some point. So, initially we would need money for me to write or cowrite the script and for a producers fee to cover your costs of creating the business plan and getting name talent.

This is exactly the kind of rational thought that gets people going places in this the industry, where MENSA exiles and other logical types have long sought refuse from the crass life of the mind. We figure this guy, who claims visual effects advances have driven his timely move, already has a few solid leads working by now, but if you know any producers willing to put a $20 million business plan together on spec for an anonymous investor and a dude whom some of the world's top scientists called a genius before he went into hiding to hone his cognitive psychological prowess (which he's clearly put to fine use here), then hey: Greatness awaits. Off you go.

• Producer Wanted [Craigslist]

Are you Carrot Top? - mw4m - 32

Us: Cute, fun, hipster couple Los Feliz, hoping to meet Carrot Top. Are you Carrot Top? We really like your body. We're really into your whole "look." Him: Thirty-two, tallish & 180 lbs. Her: Twenty-six, medium-height and busty brunette.

If you're free, and not scared to meet some new friends (and fans!), please let us know!

It never even occurred to us that something so simple as a Craigslist ad could put an adoring and sexually adventurous couple within touching distance of Carrot Top, the real-world Batman villain created when a mild-mannered comic fell into a vat of radioactive toxic sewage at the Acme Oversized Props factory. We can only hope that our modest efforts will bring them that much closer to realizing their dreams of hanging off those freckled, cantaloupe-sized biceps, and determining once and for all if their comedy hero is a top in name alone.

• Are you Carrot Top? - mw4m - 32 [Craigslist]

GF will do anything for Two (2) Tickets to Academy Awards - mw4m - 40

The rest of the ad, plus a screenshot of the goodies up for grabs, follow after the jump:

We are a real and very genuine couple who once in a while likes a little kinky, naughty play. We are coming in the week of the 18th and would like to attend the Academy Awards. MY GF is willing to do ANYTHING I tell her to do for Two (2) Tickets to this event and would love to attend an after party as well.

To fully test the perimeters of their tempting, all-inclusive offer, we sent back an e-mail containing this image of a giant Oscar statue covered in delicious, breath-limiting plastic wrap. We're happy to report we got a quick response, consisting of a friendly, "Yup! That too! What section are your seats in? For that kind of kink, we'd have to insist on orchestra or first mezzanine at the farthest," suggesting these Oscar-loving swingers are fully prepared to deliver on their all-caps offer of "ANYTHING," should you have the hotly sought-after goods they seek.

• GF will do anything for Two (2) Tickets to Academy Awards - mw4m - 40 [Craigslist]