Just don't expect the class we gleaned from star Jason Statham's winning Bank Job poster, nor the style attributed to even the worst trailers to ever appear in this space. This is essentially The Transporter splattered through the prism of Jackass, sweetly saturated with the lowbrow miracles of sex, violence, nudity, language and Corey Haim's mullet. Amy Smart's nipple tape, alas, did not make the cut. Say what you will (assuming you can get through all two-and-a-half minutes), but we can't believe Josh Brolin would throw these filmmakers off his next project.

• NSFW: 'Crank 2' Movie Trailer [/film]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

October 29, 2008 - A big mazal tov goes out to COREY — HE IS GETTING MARRIED!! The lovely lady is Tiffany Shepis! COREY and Tiffany first met 12 years ago while COREY was on set filming FEVER LAKE. They recently reunited at the Chiller Theatre autograph show & the rest is history. The wedding has been set for May 9, 2009! [...]

Also, COREY wants to let everyone who ordered a painting know that he will be shipping them out to you within about 2 weeks.

We were unfamiliar with Shepis's work, but learned from her bio that she is a "voluptuous New York-born beauty [and ] princess of scream [who] often upstages more seasoned actresses and has some great dance grooves." She has no fewer than 12 projects currently in the pipeline, including Blood De Madam: The Fallen Ones, Thorns from a Rose, and Night of the Demon. Quite obviously, that crossbow was aimed straight for Corey's heart. L'chaim!

• CoreyHaim.us via ONTD

Boomp3.com

At the Fox Reality Awards, Corey Feldman took time out of his busy schedule to soothe the frayed nerves of everyone affected by the current state of the economy and the upcoming presidential election. Feldman said, “Don’t worry about anything. I got this. Sues and me are going to Washington right after this event and we’re going to solve everything. We saved the Haimster, so we could probably save the McCain campaign and Wall Street before our first coffee break.”

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

On a mission to pick up some suntanning swag, popular vampire slayer/reality TV star Corey Haim happily posed with some fans. Well, one happy fan to be specific. The littlest fan said that Haim has been dead to her ever since he did the completely unnecessary sequels to Fast Getaway and Dream A Little Dream. Haim attempted to explain his reasons for making the sequels, but the lil’ fan threw her lil’ hands over her ears. The elder Haim fan asked if the Haimster would pose for a photo, which he happily agreed to. The elder fan picked up the little one, but she did her best to hide her shame.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• WATCH VIDEO

• The Two Coreys "The Real Reason Feldman Lost His Career" [YouTube via JonBlitt.com]

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

· Today Is The Day @ The Echo.
· Weird Mondays @ The Good Hurt.
· Amanda Palmer (of Dresden Dolls fame) is @ The Troubadour.

The Moment: Corey Feldman, The Night and You
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 10
Rock Bottom: Maybe it's just the sound mixing, but as genuine as Feldman's vocal gesture may have been, anyone who can get through his climactic baying in increments longer than five seconds gets his/her own show (working title: Pop Culture Stoic) next spring on A&E.

The Moment: Who Raped the Coreys?
Degree of Discomfort: 8
Rock Bottom: "You wanna talk about the truth?" Feldman asks after Haim accuses him of failing to act when he was molested at age 14. "I was being molested at the same time by somebody else. What did you do?" Enter waitress, who tops off Haim's coffee. Clearly, it's discretion that brings them together.

The Moment: Corey Haim Peers Through The Defamer Looking Glass, Darkly
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 6
Rock Bottom: Haim's assistant Nelle walked him right into an open manhole of Defamer comments in one episode of Two Coreys, prompting a pensive, introspective moment of planning where to dump her body when the camera crew went home. But he did keep reading, caveats be damned. There's only so much squirming we can do.

The Moment: 'Did Somebody Order Stake?' Unflappable Corey Feldman Surfaces At The LAFF
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 9
Rock Bottom: Feldman memorably ripped Haim's heart out last year by announcing Warners had invited him — but not Haim — to star in the studios "shitty," straight-to-video Lost Boys sequel. Outraged, Feldman declined — only to present his cameo in the unwatchable Lost Boys 2: The Tribe a year last month at the LA Film Festival. Yes, there goes a true friend.

The Moment: Corey Haim Is Back, Ready To Make Amends, And Still Has Enough Money To Pay For An Ad In 'Variety' Begging For Work
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 17
Rock Bottom: Well, we guess it did seem to work.

One sleepless night later, he arrives on set, where dutiful assistant/underminer Nelle marks his trailer door "The Haimster." Sadly, however, this little Haimster wasn't yet ready to climb back into its wheel: his session in the mortician's wax chair quickly devolves into a rambling tribute to all his favorite uppers, quickly followed by some incoherent small talk with mortal frienemy Corey Feldman.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

Instead of Corey Feldman, try Corey Haim: At the time of Drew’s fling with Feldman, picking between the two Coreys was a matter of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, Catch A Cokehead By The Toe. Judging by their subsequent trajectories, Drew may have made the wiser choice. But it’s the other Corey, sent to the bottom of his pill bag by Defamer commenters, who currently needs all the help Drew’s strawberry-scented guffaws can bring.

Instead of Luke Wilson, try Owen Wilson: Maybe back in the late 90s Luke seemed like the more intriguing Wilson. His nose wasn’t quite as broken as his brother’s, Owen hadn’t bewitched us all with his Hans in Zoolander, and Luke had yet to permanently banish himself from crush lists by actually sharing screen time with Jessica Simpson. But if Drew goes back to the Wilson well, Owen is clearly the front-runner these days.

Instead of Tom Green, try Dane Cook: Because the barren landscape of horrendously unfunny comedians has a new mascot, and Drew’s fondness of sticking her tongue down her boyfriend’s throat might be the only way to shut this one up.

Instead of Justin Long, try PC Guy: Because John Hodgman is a treasure and deserves some action. Bonus points for Drew if she agrees to film a cameo in the next Apple commercial, makes Justin cry, short-circuit whatever totally awesome new Mac he’s holding, and permanently erase that smirk from his face.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty]

• STAR EXCLUSIVE! DREW BARRYMORE AND JUSTIN LONG: IT'S OVER! [Star]

In it, they spied a blurb for the upcoming July 13th episode in which "Haim arrives on set visibly under the influence, and Corey Feldman can only watch in horror as things progress from bad to worse." It sounded like a doozy, but the reality, which we share now in the leaked clip above, is way rougher than anything we imagined. On the set of Lost Boys: The Tribe for reshoots, Haim had a crisis of confidence and flatly refuses to leave his trailer. Questionably motivated assistant Nelle then fetches him his bag of scrips, and the audio continues to run as he can be heard rummaging through bottles, followed by coughing. The editors then deftly weave Haim's line-flubbings into a chilling monologue delivered by Susie Feldman: "That's what happens when you don't care...you never try...a single pill has ruined his life, every relationship, his career, his health, his teeth, from one pill." Yeah. While you watch that, we're going to pour ourselves a glass of beer and notice the ripples our tears make across its surface.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!

Choose which Corey you'd like to be—we took the Corey upon whom we've already inflicted more pain than our conscience can handle—then punch and kick your way through each round, earning special moves at every level. There's the pungent "Stinker," the "Wooden Stake Attack," and the particularly cruel "Dreamt of Success Smackdown," but thankfully, the sadistic web developers stopped short of a "Molestation Guilt-Trip Roundhouse Kick." OK—enough talk. Get to Corey-bashing!

• Corey Vs. Corey [A&E]

The sensitive actor's face then projected a gamut of emotions as he digested the various observations left by our illustrious, if tact-deficient, commenting community. For every heartening message pledging lifelong devotion, there was an equally callous put-down. It all proved too much for a star whose skin was never thickened by the unforgiving Age of the Internets: Haim stormed onto the deck of his improbably swank home, wondering why his detractors had to "type anything? Why read my article?" Sure, Haim has a little trouble discerning between an "article" and a "self-promotional print advertisement"—but that doesn't make the moment any less heart-wrenching. Quentin—just watch that unsolicited VHS audition he submitted for Inglorious Bastards already, so we can all put the rough years and tears behind us, and finally toast to Corey's too-long-overdue return.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]
• Previously: Corey Haim Is Back, Ready To Make Amends, And Still Has Enough Money To Pay For An Ad In 'Variety' Begging For Work [Defamer]

Harrison Ford, Outed by Helen Mirren: "She considered him 'the nicest, sweetest guy you could want to meet. But he can't kiss - he finds it impossible to kiss on screen.' Then, she added: 'He's probably not very good off screen either. It's not just me - other actresses agree. Whenever we get chatting off screen and we get around to talking, we come to the same conclusion.'"

Jason Segal, Outed by Alyson Hannigan: "Alyson refused to kiss him or do any romantic scenes with him, because he smelled like smoke. He thanks her for forcing him to do that because now he not only smells better, he feels better as well."

Orlando Bloom, Outed by Keira Knightley: "Keira Knightley claims Johnny Depp is a better kisser than Orlando Bloom...When quizzed on who she thought was the best kisser out of the two actors, she told InStyle magazine: 'Johnny Depp certainly wasn't bad.' Despite Orlando's gushing praise for Keira's kissing technique, he did admit he found it 'peculiar.'"

Steve Carell, Outed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: "I just see Steve Carell's lips. 'So the bottom of a cat's paw - the soft supple part underneath - that's what Steve Carell's lips are like. But his tongue is like kitty cat litter. That's the physical experience.'"

Woody Allen, Outed by Helena Bonham Carter: "He tells you up front certain ways of kissing he does not want. No exchange of liquid is permitted. It can be a bit offensive because he makes no effort at all."

Angelina Jolie, Outed by James McAvoy: "I can tell you what it was like to kiss her on a film set: It was awkward, sweaty and not very nice."

Tom Cruise, Outed by Thandie Newton: "Kissing Tom Cruise was slightly icky and sort of wet. I'd really go home at the end of the day actually moaning about how hot it was and how many times we had to do it."

Victoria Beckham, Outed by Corey Haim: "She does this little grr gnaw thing that felt like a girl gnawing on your lip."

Sienna Miller, Outed by James Franco: "The British beauty's toothache made filming a nightmare. Franco admits filming the scene was far from enjoyable and had to be cut short when his co-star complained. He says, 'I think we kissed once in that film and it wasn't at all intense - there was no rolling around or anything. Sienna's molar was giving her pain so she called the dentist!'"

Leonardo DiCaprio, Outed by Virginie Ledoyen: "I think Leonardo is a nice guy. But I don't want him as a lover. There [was] no honest passion. No real sensitivity in our love scenes. In our underwater love scenes all I could think of was not drowning. I can't even remember his kiss."

[Photo credits: Getty, Wire Girl, Showbiz Spy, Renee Ashley Baker, NetGlimpse, Wireimage]

• JAMES MCAVOY: KISSING ANGELINA JOLIE WAS 'NOT VERY NICE' [ITW]

But there's Feldman, dropping in again as vampire-killer Edgar Frog ("Did somebody order stake?") amid fireside lesbian kisses, gratuitous flashing and prodigious bloodletting. We mean, we know things have been better, Corey, but... Why?

"Has anybody heard the relativity of physics kind of spelled out through the transcripts of the biological study of ancient man?" he asked the baffled crowd, apparently invoking the new-age synonym for "paycheck." "No?" he continued. "OK! Then I guess we'll just go to the simple answer: It was a good script. All right, thank you very much."

More silence. Jesus, Corey, stop. Save yourself. Just—

"No, it was a long process actually," he said. "It was a long, complicated process because obviously this a film that the original was held in high esteem by many a fan out there, and as PJ [Pesce, The Tribe's director] so eloquently put it at the beginning of this, he didn't want to be held up with torches and ransacked."

"I still think no matter what, it's not like Citizen Fucking Lost Boys Kane," Pesce said.

"They gave me the [first] script, which was by somebody else, and it wasn't a very good script," Feldman added. "It seemed like they were just throwing it together, and I wasn't really interested in that. Not only that, but I wasn't too involved; they just had a cameo in it for me." Eventually, we learned, Warner Bros. hired a new "writer," reintroduced Corey Haim's character and gave them more to do. Feldman met with Pesce to "see where his head was at."

"The conclusion was that the people making it were fans of the first film and planned to do it with honor and hold it in high regard," he said. "It was quite a compliment; I was excited about getting into bed with people who were lovers of the film." Awkward pause. "Casting couch, that's all I'm saying." No shit. We could all use a cigarette right about now.