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At the Fox Reality Awards, Corey Feldman took time out of his busy schedule to soothe the frayed nerves of everyone affected by the current state of the economy and the upcoming presidential election. Feldman said, “Don’t worry about anything. I got this. Sues and me are going to Washington right after this event and we’re going to solve everything. We saved the Haimster, so we could probably save the McCain campaign and Wall Street before our first coffee break.”

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

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On a mission to pick up some suntanning swag, popular vampire slayer/reality TV star Corey Haim happily posed with some fans. Well, one happy fan to be specific. The littlest fan said that Haim has been dead to her ever since he did the completely unnecessary sequels to Fast Getaway and Dream A Little Dream. Haim attempted to explain his reasons for making the sequels, but the lil’ fan threw her lil’ hands over her ears. The elder Haim fan asked if the Haimster would pose for a photo, which he happily agreed to. The elder fan picked up the little one, but she did her best to hide her shame.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Nevertheless, his overall support reminds us what a fertile period it is for the villain in American cinema — and how '80s/'90s-era schlock could stand to benefit from an A-list talent injection. We consulted our own casting department for five ideal remakes, and the stars who might push them over the top:

Leprechaun, featuring Tom Cruise as Leprechaun. Both a post-Tropic Thunder capitalization for the resurgent star and a perfect UA palate cleanser after the ordeal of Valkyrie.

Child's Play, featuring Clay Aiken as Chucky. A natural crossover for the Man Who Wouldn't Be Idol. A savvy agent could package this with Aiken's new son as the male lead and Kelly Clarkson as the mother who squares off Aiken's homicidal doll in a fight to the death. The producers couldn't likely tell him about the "homicidal doll" part until after the shoot, but whatever; it's not like he needs a script or anything.

Friday the 13th, featuring Corey Feldman as Jason Voorhees. Feldman broke through in 1984 as young Jason-slayer Tommy Jarvis, but with the franchise having exhausted Tommy's psychosis and The Two Coreys essentially confirming Feldman's own, this match makes itself. Scrap the remake in the works, Paramount — or at least order some reshoots.

Candyman, featuring Eddie Murphy as Candyman. In a PG-rated romp directed by Brian Robbins, Murphy's fat-suited Candyman really does do a number on the sweets shops in town, trailed by swarms of plump CGI bumblebees and playing kiddie snicker-snack with his candy-cane hook.

Halloween, featuring Mike Myers as Michael Myers. Tagline: "Still stroppy."

• Billy Bob On Elm Street [JoBlo]

• WATCH VIDEO

• The Two Coreys "The Real Reason Feldman Lost His Career" [YouTube via JonBlitt.com]

· Conor Oberst at the Troubadour.
· Peanut Butter Wolf at Cinespace.
· Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen at Largo.
· Jon Lovtiz at the Comedy and Magic Club.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

· Today Is The Day @ The Echo.
· Weird Mondays @ The Good Hurt.
· Amanda Palmer (of Dresden Dolls fame) is @ The Troubadour.

The Moment: Corey Feldman, The Night and You
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 10
Rock Bottom: Maybe it's just the sound mixing, but as genuine as Feldman's vocal gesture may have been, anyone who can get through his climactic baying in increments longer than five seconds gets his/her own show (working title: Pop Culture Stoic) next spring on A&E.

The Moment: Who Raped the Coreys?
Degree of Discomfort: 8
Rock Bottom: "You wanna talk about the truth?" Feldman asks after Haim accuses him of failing to act when he was molested at age 14. "I was being molested at the same time by somebody else. What did you do?" Enter waitress, who tops off Haim's coffee. Clearly, it's discretion that brings them together.

The Moment: Corey Haim Peers Through The Defamer Looking Glass, Darkly
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 6
Rock Bottom: Haim's assistant Nelle walked him right into an open manhole of Defamer comments in one episode of Two Coreys, prompting a pensive, introspective moment of planning where to dump her body when the camera crew went home. But he did keep reading, caveats be damned. There's only so much squirming we can do.

The Moment: 'Did Somebody Order Stake?' Unflappable Corey Feldman Surfaces At The LAFF
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 9
Rock Bottom: Feldman memorably ripped Haim's heart out last year by announcing Warners had invited him — but not Haim — to star in the studios "shitty," straight-to-video Lost Boys sequel. Outraged, Feldman declined — only to present his cameo in the unwatchable Lost Boys 2: The Tribe a year last month at the LA Film Festival. Yes, there goes a true friend.

The Moment: Corey Haim Is Back, Ready To Make Amends, And Still Has Enough Money To Pay For An Ad In 'Variety' Begging For Work
Degree of Discomfort (1-10 scale): 17
Rock Bottom: Well, we guess it did seem to work.

One sleepless night later, he arrives on set, where dutiful assistant/underminer Nelle marks his trailer door "The Haimster." Sadly, however, this little Haimster wasn't yet ready to climb back into its wheel: his session in the mortician's wax chair quickly devolves into a rambling tribute to all his favorite uppers, quickly followed by some incoherent small talk with mortal frienemy Corey Feldman.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

Instead of Corey Feldman, try Corey Haim: At the time of Drew’s fling with Feldman, picking between the two Coreys was a matter of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo, Catch A Cokehead By The Toe. Judging by their subsequent trajectories, Drew may have made the wiser choice. But it’s the other Corey, sent to the bottom of his pill bag by Defamer commenters, who currently needs all the help Drew’s strawberry-scented guffaws can bring.

Instead of Luke Wilson, try Owen Wilson: Maybe back in the late 90s Luke seemed like the more intriguing Wilson. His nose wasn’t quite as broken as his brother’s, Owen hadn’t bewitched us all with his Hans in Zoolander, and Luke had yet to permanently banish himself from crush lists by actually sharing screen time with Jessica Simpson. But if Drew goes back to the Wilson well, Owen is clearly the front-runner these days.

Instead of Tom Green, try Dane Cook: Because the barren landscape of horrendously unfunny comedians has a new mascot, and Drew’s fondness of sticking her tongue down her boyfriend’s throat might be the only way to shut this one up.

Instead of Justin Long, try PC Guy: Because John Hodgman is a treasure and deserves some action. Bonus points for Drew if she agrees to film a cameo in the next Apple commercial, makes Justin cry, short-circuit whatever totally awesome new Mac he’s holding, and permanently erase that smirk from his face.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty]

• STAR EXCLUSIVE! DREW BARRYMORE AND JUSTIN LONG: IT'S OVER! [Star]

In it, they spied a blurb for the upcoming July 13th episode in which "Haim arrives on set visibly under the influence, and Corey Feldman can only watch in horror as things progress from bad to worse." It sounded like a doozy, but the reality, which we share now in the leaked clip above, is way rougher than anything we imagined. On the set of Lost Boys: The Tribe for reshoots, Haim had a crisis of confidence and flatly refuses to leave his trailer. Questionably motivated assistant Nelle then fetches him his bag of scrips, and the audio continues to run as he can be heard rummaging through bottles, followed by coughing. The editors then deftly weave Haim's line-flubbings into a chilling monologue delivered by Susie Feldman: "That's what happens when you don't care...you never try...a single pill has ruined his life, every relationship, his career, his health, his teeth, from one pill." Yeah. While you watch that, we're going to pour ourselves a glass of beer and notice the ripples our tears make across its surface.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!

In today's installment: Cameron Diaz, Katherine Heigl, Vince Vaughn, Pam Anderson, Sharon Stone, Dave Chappelle, Corey Feldman, Jonah Hill, Eric Mabius, Eli Roth, Pete Wentz, Dane Cook, Fabio, Tim Robbins, Bo Derek, Bret McKenzie, Lucy Liu, Tara Reid, Rachel Zoe, JC Chasez, T.R. Knight, Jonny Lee Miller and Angelyne!

MONDAY, JUNE 16
· Went to the Grove to see a movie when I noticed a tall dark haired man making out with a pretty young blonde who didn't look a day over 18. After a couple takes I realized it was creepy horror film director Eli Roth. He looks more attractive in person, I must admit. He and the young blonde went into The Happening. From what I have gathered, they both seemed really uninterested in the movie (which was horrible by the way) and more interested in sucking face. Maybe because his girlfriend is in high school, she's used to hooking up in movie theaters?

THURSDAY, JUNE 19
· Driving north on La Brea from Slauson I saw in the passenger seat of the car behind me the unmistakable head of Jonah Hill (Feldstein). I changed one lane over so I could see him from the side. He seemed to be annoyed by my pointing at him and had the driver of the car (female) look over at me to laugh. I was just wondering what he was doing so far south...

FRIDAY, JUNE 20
· Pam Anderson was taking in the Dodgers/Indians game in the Dugout seats tonight. She was with her 2 boys, who looked just old enough for their friends to tell them there's a video on the internet of their dad driving a boat with his penis. Also, a goateed Ben Silverman sitting nearby dressed like a 15-year old, with some girl.

· Saw Tara Reid eating lunch with two European looking types at that French cheese place in the old Farmers Market on Fairfax. Damn, that girl looked cute and smiled at my tow headed kid. Really, she was eating.

SATURDAY, JUNE 21
· Saw Cameron Diaz at Home Restaurant on Hillhurst enjoying some outdoor Saturday afternoon brunch. She had hashbrowns on her plate! Skinny celebs eat real food! How?! Honestly though, she was looking good.

· In the midst of the heat wave, Flight of the Conchords' Bret McKenzie (a.k.a., the cute one) at The Waffle on Sunset, huddled in a booth with five or six friends. Couldn't see what he was eating.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22
· Last night, at Swinger's cafe, saw Dave Chappelle eating dinner outside with a male friend. They had quite a spread going w/ french toast, waffles, and milkshakes. The kind of dinner one might order after some "happy cigarettes." ;) Chappelle seemed in a lively mood, walking around and chatting with a few people. He looked good. I wish he'd get back on TV.

· I know it's been forever, but I had to contribute: Was at the beach all day today, escaping the god awful heat, and wandered around as Will Rogers Beach emptied around sunset... and I see an adorable Eric Mabius carrying his adorable son piggyback around the beach... priceless. Maybe celebrities are not all horrible people.

MONDAY, JUNE 23
· Saw Vince Vaughn at the Greek for the Robert Plant/Allison Krauss show. He was exchanging pleasantries with Ray director and Mr. Helen Mirren, Taylor Hackford. I like to think they were discussing a possible Fred Claus 2 in which Vince's character is rendered blind after seeing Fred Claus and becomes the most beloved blues singer in the North Pole. Saw a fan come up to tell Vince how much he likes his work and Vince took some time to chat. That was so money.

· Pete Wentz at LAFF's Monday night sold-out showing of Choke. He stayed until Clark Gregg and surprise guest Chuck Palahniuk finished their Q and A, trying to get out quickly before the audience rush. At first just thought, "hmm, that little man looks like Pete Wentz" until he took a picture with a fan. Dude is WEE, but I thought it was cool he stayed for the Q and A and didn't act like a dick about pictures. My standards are so low.

TUESDAY, JUNE 24
· I saw Rachel Zoe looking as angry as crushed velvet leaving the post-premiere party for The Wackness at the W in Westwood. Was she denied entry or was it just what I was wearing?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25
· At George Michael's show at the Forum, there was a delectable mix of celebs in the Forum Club during intermission and after the show. You had the older actresses in Bo Derek and Sharon Stone, tv hostesses in Daisy Fuentes & Debbie Matenopoulous, former boy bander in JC Chasez, Eli Stone himself Jonny Lee Miller & his pregnant fiance (wife?) Michelle Hicks, & most importantly Corey Feldman. Corey walked around with his enormous sunglasses around while dragging around his wife by the hand just looking for attention.

THURSDAY, JUNE 26
· Pete Wentz hiding his face and pretending like I cared who he was at the Rite Aid on Fairfax and Sunset. Considered following him to see what he was buying, but then I was distracted by something much more interesting: Kleenex.

· While waiting for an elevator in the 8000 Sunset parking garage, one finally arrived and produced ape-comic Dane Cook and one of his "bros", fresh from a work-out at Crunch.

SATURDAY, JUNE 28
· 1000 year old Angelyne was pulled over in front of my loft 5 minutes ago on Cahuenga and Melrose. They searched her trunk. Another squad car pulled up to join the search!!

· Just saw Fabio @ Equinox on Sunset. If only I knew George Clooney's number, I could have texted him to come over and beat him up.

TUESDAY, JULY 1
· As I was leaving the Arclight after the horriblenessness that is Wanted (seriously, the Loom of Fate?!?!), saw Katherine Heigl and her hags, T.R. Knight and his ward, Mark Cornelson, leaving. She was trying to go incognito wearing glasses, but looked very fit. T.R. and the ward looked pretty gay and short. No sign of lapdog, Josh Kelley.

UNDATED
· It was actually a couple of weeks ago...walking down Franklin Ave on my way to Mayfair Market, I saw none other than Fabio himself, sitting at that little Japanese restaurant. Hair: still luxurious, but not as long as in his heyday.

· Two weeks ago, spotted Tim Robbins at Kika sushi on Larchmont. Let me just say, he is hot. Sarandon is a lucky lady! Side note: I happened to catch Robbins' stage production of 1984 this
weekend, which is fantastic.

· A few weeks ago, I saw Lucy Liu with a male companion at Vegan Glory, this random little cafe in a mini-mall by house. She looked beautiful, as always.

Choose which Corey you'd like to be—we took the Corey upon whom we've already inflicted more pain than our conscience can handle—then punch and kick your way through each round, earning special moves at every level. There's the pungent "Stinker," the "Wooden Stake Attack," and the particularly cruel "Dreamt of Success Smackdown," but thankfully, the sadistic web developers stopped short of a "Molestation Guilt-Trip Roundhouse Kick." OK—enough talk. Get to Corey-bashing!

• Corey Vs. Corey [A&E]

But there's Feldman, dropping in again as vampire-killer Edgar Frog ("Did somebody order stake?") amid fireside lesbian kisses, gratuitous flashing and prodigious bloodletting. We mean, we know things have been better, Corey, but... Why?

"Has anybody heard the relativity of physics kind of spelled out through the transcripts of the biological study of ancient man?" he asked the baffled crowd, apparently invoking the new-age synonym for "paycheck." "No?" he continued. "OK! Then I guess we'll just go to the simple answer: It was a good script. All right, thank you very much."

More silence. Jesus, Corey, stop. Save yourself. Just—

"No, it was a long process actually," he said. "It was a long, complicated process because obviously this a film that the original was held in high esteem by many a fan out there, and as PJ [Pesce, The Tribe's director] so eloquently put it at the beginning of this, he didn't want to be held up with torches and ransacked."

"I still think no matter what, it's not like Citizen Fucking Lost Boys Kane," Pesce said.

"They gave me the [first] script, which was by somebody else, and it wasn't a very good script," Feldman added. "It seemed like they were just throwing it together, and I wasn't really interested in that. Not only that, but I wasn't too involved; they just had a cameo in it for me." Eventually, we learned, Warner Bros. hired a new "writer," reintroduced Corey Haim's character and gave them more to do. Feldman met with Pesce to "see where his head was at."

"The conclusion was that the people making it were fans of the first film and planned to do it with honor and hold it in high regard," he said. "It was quite a compliment; I was excited about getting into bed with people who were lovers of the film." Awkward pause. "Casting couch, that's all I'm saying." No shit. We could all use a cigarette right about now.

BOTH Corey Haim and Corey Feldman say they were sexually abused as child stars - and the culprit was not their old pal, Michael Jackson, who was acquitted of sexual abuse charges filed by others. "People can say whatever they want, but it wasn't Michael," Feldman told GQ's Mickey Rapkin.

"He and I have our own issues, but that wasn't one of them. The guy that did this to me was my assistant. I was still a virgin at the time. I hadn't even had sex with a girl. So for me it was just kind of bewildering." About his abuse, Haim adds, "It's something that will be addressed in my inner soul for the rest of my life, and it's something that truly affects me . . . It's just like, it happened, it's over, and move on. Let's move on to the next subject."

Yes, lets! No wait—we can't. Not yet. We're still trying to wrap our minds around the actual logistics of being molested by one's own assistant, as we're having difficulty picturing Feldman behind the wheel of an '86 Corvette, instructing his sex-offender gofer, "So, after you pick up my dry-cleaning and get me a Filet o' Fish with two slices of cheese, could you...*quiet weeping*...yes, I promise not to tell anyone...bring King to the groomers? Awesome, thanks dude."

• JACKO ABSOLVED [NY Post]

Feldman has already spoken out about what he suspects were several instances of R.E.M. (rapidly encroaching Michael) sleep at Neverland Ranch. Haim quickly dismisses the possibility that his friend wasn't conscious at the time—but what about Haim's own "rape." Was it rape rape? Or Hollywood-style rape—the kind one might begrudgingly submit to in some B-movie producer's poolside changing room in order to ensure oneself the lead in Prayer of the Rollerboys? At this point, we think pretty much anything is possible, and this shiz is getting heavy.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]